Patricia @pamcp - Tumblr Blog

Sometimes

Sometimes, I still think of what it could have been. What if we didn’t end like this. Would we be deeply in love with each other or would we be even more hurt than before. Would we be happy or would we be broken. Would you have changed for me or will I have to change for you like it has always been. Would you have sacrificed something for me or will it be all about yourself once again. Would you have waited or would I have to lie for you.

I wish I could have answers.

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It’s back

Im reverting to the person that I was before. I can feel it. I dont know if I like it or not. It makes me feel like utter shit and heartless but it’s getting me to focus on my path once again. The path that I set but diverted. Even though I have found myself, I completely lost track of what I aim to do. Not until now that I realise that I need to get my shit together. It was fun but no, no more. I need to focus on myself.

Christmas Eve

It’s christmas eve, and I feel asdfghjkl. I dont understand if Im pissed off, annoyed or just generally sad. If Im going to be honest, I hate this holiday. Mainly, because of all the reasons that I cannot state on here. I just want it to just end already. The only thing that I think will make me feel better is being with my happiness. Unfortunately, we cant be together. The world is unfair like that.

My plan is to just either bury myself in my unfinished 3,000 word essay or just sleep for 7 days straight until this holiday finishes. I dont want any memory of it

Nothing

Dont you just love that feeling of nothing. By nothing, I meant when you look into his eyes, those butterflies don’t flutter and your heart doesn’t race any longer.

Most people dont believe me, but I have fully moved on and it feels SO good. I saw him the other night. People kept pushing me towards him, and stupidly I went along with it. Maybe because I was confident that it will lead to nothing else. Maybe because I finally knew that no matter how close we were, I will not fall for him. Sure, he will always be in my heart. He is my first love of course, and we were together for 3 long years. But, honestly. When he was sat right in front of me, I felt nothing. I didn’t have the urge to try get his attention and win him over like before. For me, this is a great accomplishment.

I finally woke up. I now see that I can do much better without him. I don’t need him and he doesn’t deserve me.