[pansydog]

my girlfriend called me the worst in a little fit of rage and it really took me back to when i was actually the worst. she may or may not have meant it. but maybe i haven’t changed.

[pansydog]

life isnt getting any easier. enduring isnt getting any less painful. solutions arent getting any clearer.

[pansydog]

day 1089 of wanting to put a bullet in my head

[pansydog]

sometimes i accidentally read a text from that time and i dont even remember it. i dont remember feeling then how i feel now. i would appreciate all those words now. if someone said to me “please dont die youre my best friend” today, i would change everything i was doing and be better.

i wish i had been present. its like that old part of me just refused to accept anything kind and only see the negative in every moment. or make it all up in my head. i clung to it all my bad thoughts like it was my job. i was 17 years old for 9 years. i wish i had wanted to grow up the second it was obvious i needed to.

[pansydog]

[pansydog]

i hate hearing about things i didnt want to know. and i hate when i hear those things from people who know i dont want to know those things????? hello???

[pansydog]

i cant imagine any kind of future for myself and that is so fucking scary ¨̮ like i literally cannot picture a realistic future scenario of my life in 5 years. Or even 1 year. Theres no way its gonna be the same as now. And i think that every year. But how can it get worse than this??

[pansydog]

i almost texted you for help today but then my gut said something about that would make me feel worse for about a thousand different reasons. but i kept you unblocked in the off chance that one day you need my help.

[pansydog]

this is what we get for pretending.

[pansydog]

some of yall arent happy with where youre at and it shows.

[pansydog]

I had my villain era already and it wasnt a good look. Im good.

[pansydog]

old habits die hard

[pansydog]

i have never felt so hated

[2gris]

[pansydog]

leo partners, leo exes and leo friends are truly three completely different people.

[pansydog]

unrelated but i just remembered i had a dream the other night that silver died and i couldnt bring myself to tell alana. i didnt know how. one of the more sucky dreams ive had lately. i dont know how i would delve up the courage to tell her. and i dont know if she would even care? thats kinda scary actually. i mean I don’t know if she would even care to know. or expect me to. I wonder if she ever thinks about her.

[pansydog]

but im not gonna pretend i dont think about it. or wonder “what if?” i lost a big part of my life like of course im gonna wonder how things would be if i hadnt been so stupid every day. i had a choice and i made the wrong one every time. i had so many chances and i shit on them every time. how could i not wonder? and i think about how i couldve changed the course of my life at several points in time. What if i hadnt brought up that time i saw a certain someone with another someone at that restaurant? Lol. Or going further back, what if i hadnt taken that pill. what if i hadnt yelled so loud that night. What if i hadnt laid my hands on her. What if i had told her sooner. What if i had ended things with gali sooner. What if i hadnt started seeing gali. What if i had just toughed it out and talked about what i was feeling with alana. What if i had just cut my tantrum short. What if i had just stopped to think about how she feels (i do that a lot more now and it changes everything). What if i had been nicer. What if i hadnt let ava abuse me for years, would i have been a terrible partner to alana? Would i have projected as much? Would i have just been a better person over all? Would i even have met alana?

I have a lot to think about at all times so i blog if it gets to be too much.