No, I don't want to teach

The disastrous life of a twenty-something English major.

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Coffee

Apparently, coffee decreases risk of breast cancer in women. I learned this today listening to one of my partners practicing for our group speech about coffee, and I started awkwardly laughing to myself.

My aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer last year. Lisa drank more coffee than any other person I’ve ever met.

When I was really, really small, my parents, my aunt, my uncle, and my cousins all went to Holiday World. It was hotter than Hades outside that day, and we were all sweaty grumpy messes. Lisa, trying to get everyone to agree to do something and stop being grumbly says “Let’s go find some coffee!”

Aunt Lisa passed away last month. I didn’t think it would be as bad as it was. My mom was a mess, and I went home every weekend for almost a month. I missed almost a week of classes for her funeral because I didn’t think I could sit through them the day before it or after it.

It’s one of those things that’s hard to tell people who aren’t from a family like mine. Telling people that your aunt passed away doesn’t sound like it should be a big deal to most people, but I’ve seen most of my aunts, uncles, and cousins at least once a month every month for my whole life.

My aunt Lisa was always the aunt who accepted you for whatever you did. She never judged you for having unconventional passions and plans. She usually had a word of encouragement ready and waiting.

When I got my UKSI scholarship, she told me that she had known I would get it.

I miss my aunt a lot. I awkwardly laughed about coffee.

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Guess Who’s Back?

Me.

It’s me. I’m back!

I’ve found myself more stressed out than usual this semester. Every time I think I’m about to get on top of the work I’m supposed to be doing, one million more things fall into my lap. Probably shouldn’t have signed up for quite so many classes honestly. Plus my family had a bit of a terrible thing happen (that I’m still trying to deal with on a personal level and might write about later) so I missed a ton of class.

When I get too stressed I tend to throw all non-essential productive activity out the window. All I want to do is sleep. This meant that I didn’t work on writing (which is the whole point of this blog), and I stopped going for runs. 

Mostly I ended up sleeping for 10 hours at night and wasting loads of time napping.

I felt guilty, then I didn’t care. There was too much else happening.

I’m trying to feel motivated again. It’s been kind of like clawing my way out of a really big blanket of not giving a shit, but today I wanted to write and I had time to write, so here I am.

I might even go for a run.

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How Not To Be Cool About It

Sometimes I don’t respond to situations as well as I think I’m going to. These are situations where I thought I was ready to handle whatever might happen, then it happens, and BAM. I am not ok. I thought I was going to cool with whatever, but woo boy I am not. These situations often happen in response to learning about something new in the life of someone with whom I was once very close. Take, for example, last weekend. I had a small breakdown when I heard my ex was seeing someone new. We broke up almost a year ago, and I initiated the break up. I was pretty sure I would be fine with whatever, but it was weird and uncomfortable and I spent the entire weekend feeling off kilter and crappy. I was not cool about it.

Human emotions are weird. I was fine, I was over it, and it’s not like I wanted us back together (I feel like our relationship ended for valid reasons). Suddenly, though, I was having a moment. I think it’s really hard to understand how people respond to situations because our emotions aren’t logical. There’s no reason I should have been affected, and yet I was. It hurt. I hurt. I should not have. I didn’t expect it.

I don’t really know what the point of shouting this story into the void was. Maybe I’m just trying to get it off my chest. Maybe it’s catharsis. Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned about how to respond when people don’t respond in the way we think they will. Maybe I’m just selfish for feeling weird about my ex moving on, and I’m trying to validate my emotions. I don’t know.

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The Exercise Experiment

I hate exercise. I hate it so much, and everything about it makes me sad. I don’t like sweating, I don’t like finding the time to fit it into my day, and I just generally never found it fun. This is why for the past 21 years I have been horrifyingly out-of-shape. I’m talking “winded after a brisk walk” out-of-shape. 

Recently, I got tired of not being able to climb a flight of stairs without dying a bit, so I started running. Well, I use the term running loosely. It’s more of a brisk walking/slow jogging but still! Exercise!

Actually, it’s about a little bit more than just the out-of-shapeness. I’ve been extremely anxious recently. I mean, I’m an anxious person by nature, but it’s been getting out of hand recently. People say that exercising can help with that sort of issue, and I needed to try something. Personally, I’ve found it to be helpful. The repetitive movement combined with the need to concentrate on what I’m doing is soothing. I’ve noticed that I’ve calmed down and slept better since starting. 

Don’t get me wrong, I still hate it. I hate the sweating and everything is sore. I haven’t turned into an “exercise person.” I don’t really look forward to running, but dangit I’m doing it anyway. For me, that’s an accomplishment. I’ve never been great at doing things I hate because they’re “good for you,” but this time I’ve been doing it, and I’m proud of that. Now, if only I could give up french fries...

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Back to the School Year

I am officially back in the dorm for another year here at Ball State, and I hate it. The dorm, that is, not BSU. I don’t see anyone I recognize because most of my friends went off campus this year. The building feels lonely. Maybe it’s just that I feel lonely. I got used to always being able to walk down the hall to see my friends, and to spending hours in the evening hanging out on the floors of different rooms. That’s not really feasible anymore.

I feel so old and lame. It seems like everyone in my building is a freshman, and then there’s me, a junior with one friend still living in the building. I think I’m just uncomfortable because I feel like my friends are growing up and moving on and becoming ‘real’ adults, and I’m stuck in the same place still. I’ve been living in the same dorm for two years, going on my third. I don’t really get to cook or have my own space or much control over what I do in my ‘home’ because there are so many rules in a dorm. It sort of feels like still being 15, and it’s hard feeling like everyone else has gotten to move beyond that. I know this is definitely a little bit irrational.

On the plus side, I should only be here for half the year (woo study abroad!). That’s the entire reason I stayed in my building again. I’m pretty sure that’s the only way I’m not going to lose it this semester.

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Ladies in Literature

You know what I hadn’t noticed until recently? How hard it is to randomly pull a book by a lady off a shelf in the library. If you’re like me, you don’t really plan trips to the library. You walk in, you pull stuff that seems interesting off the shelves, you check it out, and you read it. I’ve done this for my entire life, but on the past few trips I’ve noticed myself coming home with stacks of books with only male authors. This bothers me.

Don’t get me wrong, lots of my favorite authors are males. Men write great books, but so do women. It feels like missing out when you can only find books by men. You’re not hearing from half of the population. It seems like randomly pulling books off the shelves should result in a pretty good representation of male and female, but it never does. I don’t know how or why this happens (though there is probably a reason and it probably would make me angry if I read about it). I do know that it’s something I need to rectify in my own reading habits. 

THE MANIFESTO

I, Ellie, will endeavor to read more books by women than books by men until Christmas. This manifesto is a personal goal to attempt to broaden my horizons and find female authors on library shelves because I’m currently discouraged by the lack of lady writers I’ve come across. 

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Confessions of a Ruthless Goodwill Donor

When I was in middle school I read this book called The Gospel According to Larry. The whole story centers on this kid writing a blog full of anti-consumerist “sermons.” This sounds like it would be a terrible book based on my one sentence description, but it’s actually amazing and you should definitely read it. Larry also rails against owning lots of material things. He limits himself to a certain number of possessions (I want to say its 75, but it’s been approximately eight years since I read the book so this could be wrong). While I am not anti-consumerist enough to only own 75 things, the idea that stuff holds us back stuck with me after I read this book.

Stuff drives me crazy. I have this tendency to save everything always, but I find clutter and useless items annoying. Organization is important to me because having clean spaces makes me feel calm, but I always end up leaving things thrown around my room. This dichotomy has created something of an issue for me. I can’t function when everything is a mess, but I don’t always take that into account when I’m dropping junk on my floor or saving crap I never use. This has created an annual tradition for me: the great summer room cleaning.

The great summer room cleaning basically involves me standing in my room dumping things into a garbage bag to take to Goodwill. There’s something incredibly zen about throwing crap in a bag. It’s freeing to get rid of stuff. You suddenly feel less tied down when your closet only has clothing you wear in it and your desk is completely cleared off. I feel more sane when I’m living in a space that is functional and organized. I always find that I didn’t realize how stressed I was until I clean up and feel calm.

I’ve started doing mini room cleans every time I get stressed at school. The act of cleaning and organizing helps get calm so I can get focused on doing what I need to do. Every time I find myself swamped with work, my desk ends up completely cluttered with things. Taking thirty minutes to organize is relaxing and gives me a space where I can focus on getting work done. 

Basically what I’m saying is next time your feeling stressed, take a minute to step back, look at your living spaces, and clean. You might be surprised by how relaxing it is.

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Exiting Exeter

Well, I definitely did not write as much during the last week of the program as I had intended to. Admittedly, I was sort of trying to cram in as much time hanging out with my new friends as possible before we all had to go home, so I think that I used my time spent not writing wisely (sort of. I might have to document some of the experiences because they were relatively funny. Or, at least, I thought they were). The last few days were a blur of trying to do as much as possible and trying not to think about leaving. Unfortunately, the last day came, the Gala Dinner closing ceremony thing was attended, the coach took us to Heathrow, and we all flew home.

I’ve been home for about a week now, so I think this is probably a good time to try to reflect on the experience I had. Maybe even see how I grew as a person. This is going to be exciting, I’m sure.

I feel like this is the most growing up I’ve done yet. I came home feeling like I could handle anything and like I was ready to actually take control over my life. It’s like I’m finally ready to actually try to make something happen. A lot of this came from spending a month living by myself in a completely new place. A lot more of it is from the people I met there. Everyone else was hyper-motivated with lots of plans and really big goals. You try spending a month with a guy running his own start-up, probably the future President, a lawyer with a degree from the number one law school in Brazil, a chemical engineer researching new biofuel technology, a world-traveller who speaks three languages, and a million other frighteningly accomplished people and see if you don’t come home feeling like you really need to step up your game. Especially if the current game plan is no game plan. Basically, I feel really motivated to get my shit together. If any of you ever stumble across this, thanks for being awesome motivators, and never tell me that you found my blog because I don’t want to know.

I finally gave up Diet Coke! This may sound minor, but you are definitely underestimating how much of that stuff I was drinking. I only had three the entire time I was gone, and now I don’t even want it. Also, I’m trying to minimize my junk food intake. Not eating fried foods for a month made my skin look amazing, and I am shallow enough that that’s all it took for me to want to give it up. Health benefits, whatever, but perfect, beautiful, clear skin? That’s what I’m talking about. 

...don’t judge me.

This summer made me push myself out of my comfort zone. You know all the super-awesome people who are literally amazing that I mentioned? Yeah, I would never have talked to any of them if it hadn’t been for this program. Outside of the fact that we would have never met, I would have been way too intimidated. I have a tendency to be afraid of people that I perceive as being “better” than I am, be that smarter or cooler or more accomplished or whatever, but I found out this past month that the people I was too afraid to talk to before are awesome and the types of smart, passionate people I want to be friends with. Plus, I definitely held my own and these smarties wanted to be friends with me, too, I think. Nothing like learning how to be slightly less socially awkward. I’m really hoping that the confidence I found in Exeter sticks around for the school year. I want to try to meet new people and try new things. I always feel a little out of place. Maybe this will help me find my niche.

The best take-away from this summer for me is that I now have friends all over the world, or at least from a few other places. It’s so cool getting to interact with people not from the Corn State (also known as Indiana). It was amazing to find people that I felt like I fit with from all over the world. I feel like I learned so much about so many places that I’ve never been. It’s hard to explain why this is my favorite outcome of the summer school program. There’s just something amazing about it. Go make some international friends, then I don’t have to explain. Plus, it’s definitely a good excuse to travel. (I already have tentative plans to meet up with one of my UK friends in New York City for New Years, so stay tuned for that maybe happening!) 

I’m sure there are so many other things I should be reflecting on, but currently these are the big things on my mind. This summer was incredible in every way possible, and I think it’s probably made an impact on where my life is headed (even if I still don’t know where my life is headed). In the immortal words of my faves, thanks for the memories, Exeter.

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Consonants for Days

We went to Wales this weekend! Cardiff, specifically. It was the best weekend trip ever because basically all we did was eat. That is the kind of vacation I am about. There was a bit of a struggle in getting to Cardiff, though, as a member of our traveling party got on the wrong train. We thought this guy was going to Manchester for about 15 minutes. It was a bad moment. I panicked a bit (actually, I basically spent this weekend being group mom and trying to keep everything in order). Both of the trains stopped in Taunton, which was good as it meant we could pick up our lost friend. Everyone managed to make it to Cardiff.

We went into Cardiff Castle the afternoon we arrived. Basically it was just a tower, some battlements, a grassy area, and a house we couldn’t go in because we had the cheap tickets. The tower was pretty standard ancient tower, but the insides of the battlements were very cool. Apparently they had been used as air raid shelters during World War II, so they’re now open for the public to walk through. They have some very loud bomb sound effects and recordings of Winston Churchill playing; it’s all very weird and atmospheric. It was strange to me being in a place where the threat of air raids was immediate. They were never an omnipresent threat in the US. They were something to fear and prepare for, but they weren’t a daily fact of life. The whole experience was just not something I had ever been exposed to.

That night, we celebrated a birthday at a terrible gay bar. Seriously, it was sort of a club but also not, and it was full of old people. It was just so weird. BUT it was pop hits night, so we got great music and hammed it up on the dance floor for a few hours. It was a great time while also being sort of terrible.

On Sunday everyone got up super late because that’s what you do when you go to bed at 3. We went on a hunt for brunch, then into National Museum Wales. I went through the coolest ceramics exhibition (by myself because everyone else was lame). It was called Fragile, and it was amazing. There was a work called Mute that was just mind-bogglingly cool. Basically the idea was to play two records simultaneously in an attempt to bring the whole thing crumbling down like the walls of Jericho, according to the artist. The viewers were asked to choose records and put them on the record players. I loved the way the entire exhibit tried to encourage user response and engagement. In addition to actually being part of the art creation experiences, visitors were given questions to answer and asked to provide feedback on the experience for other visitors to see. It was just so good.

We had a proper Welsh cream tea after, which included a pastry called Bara Brith. I do not know what Bara Brith is, but I do know that I loved it. We then walked through a park and basically just hung around doing nothing until our train left. It was actually quite nice. Cardiff was a lovely city to visit and explore.

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Beach-each

We took a day trip to St. Ives today instead of having class! It was great. I did absolutely nothing today. We arrived after having been on a bus for way too long, got off, and went down to the beach. Everybody changed into swimsuits and ran into the water. I think we were maybe a bit too optimistic about how warm the water would be. It was freezing. I couldn’t feel my legs after about five minutes, so we took a group photo to prove we had done the swim then ran out of the water to get some lunch.

After lunch we went back to the beach. A few people went exploring. I fell asleep in the sunshine, and it was glorious. Even after waking back up I just sort of lay around on my towel. We got to stay for all of the great weather, and it started raining basically as soon as we got on the bus back. I would say our timing was pretty great. I was sort of hoping to make it to Tate St. Ives, but I think my day was a success nonetheless.

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Monks and Music Fests

Glastonbury is pretty much only famous for a music festival today, but in the twelfth century it was widely believed to be the burial place of King Arthur and Guinevere, thus making it relevant to my course here in Exeter, meaning Wednesday there was a class field trip. Glastonbury is a weird, weird city. On the one hand, there’s loads of Christian stories associated with the place. For example, it’s the place Joseph of Arimathea supposedly brought the Holy Grail and created a healing spring. On the other hand, there’s loads of weird, New Age-y beliefs associated with it, too. It’s supposed to be a place where dozens of ley lines intersect. This means there’s a bizarre mixture of Christian and pagan sites. You can walk from the ruins of Glastonbury Abbey into a shop selling spell books and healing crystals in less than five minutes. I actually think this mixture is appropriate given the association with King Arthur. The Arthurian legends blend religion and magic in much the same way, giving little regard to the contradictions between the two. In the legends and in Glastonbury, both systems just are.

Climbing Glastonbury Tor was a challenge. That hill was ridiculously steep, and I honestly wasn’t sure I would get up it. BUT I totally did. We got some magnificent views from the top. On a clear day, you can see all the way to Wales. Unfortunately, the day was not clear, so we could only see the water between England and Wales. There’s a singe ruined tower from a church left at the top of the tor. It’s amazing that someone managed to lug the materials for a church all the way up that hill, although I suppose that it was surrounded by water in the past. Boating the materials most of the way there was probably not hard. It would have been sort of nice to be able to take a boat and not climb, but I have been enjoying a smug sense of self accomplishment. Maybe it wasn’t so bad after all.

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Have Some Class

The past two days have basically been standard college-type days. There’s really not a ton for me to gush about in a blog post. I mean “WOW! Today we talked about tangible connections to Arthur through text, image, and landscapes!” is just boring. Well, the class is super interesting, just not write a long blog post about it interesting. As most of my days are spent in class, that means there’s not a ton here to talk about.

I’ve gotten to spend time hanging out with people in the evenings, which has been very cool. A pun competition was held. Apparently I can only make puns about the ocean. Every other topic was was a wash. None of the puns I made could hold water. I’m trying so hard to pun right now and definitely failing, so I’m going to stop.

In exciting news, my class is going to Glastonbury tomorrow! I am so ready for this. Glastonbury is basically King Arthur central. I mean, they found his supposed grave there! I get to go see it! Not the grave, that was lost during the Reformation!

Also! This weekend I’m going to Cardiff! So that’s exciting! I’ll probably actually have things to say about that.

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Bath Time

Well, technically before Bath time. Last night we got a huge group of people together in the common room to play games and hang out. We did some weird games I hadn’t ever heard of, like swoosh and the balance game, and some I did know, like the pretzel game and mafia. Mafia was great because the mafia actually crushed everyone, and I was part of the mafia that round. Winning is always fun.

Unfortunately, doing fun things meant not getting tons of sleep before going to Bath, which meant I basically passed out on the ride there. Everyone else did, too, though, so once we arrived, we all stumbled blearily off the bus and towards the Roman baths. They were pretty cool ruins; lots of mosaics and temple pieces. The bath was still being filled by the hot spring that had fed it when the Romans used it. I think the best part about visiting ruins is imagining all of the people and all of the stories that would have walked in the place you’re standing.

We also went for high tea in the Regency Room at the Jane Austen Center. It was kind of weird (it just isn’t something that really fits in with who I am as a person), but it was tasty. Scones with clotted cream and jam might be my new favorite thing. I still don’t really like tea, though. Plus, we were sat directly beneath a window in the sunlight drinking hot tea. I thought I might actually melt. Luckily, that did not happen.

While we were in Bath, a bunch of people made plans to go to a club when we got back to Exeter. That was a weird, new experience. As someone who likes to dance, even though I’m terrible at it, I figured it would be fun. It was, but by the time we left I was really ready to go. I don’t really like alcohol, so I wasn’t really drunk enough to be around the super drunk people. Still, it was a good time, and I’ll probably go again at some point in my life. Plus, I slept super well afterwards. Dancing will do that to you.

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Oh Hell No!

After class today, we introduced various students of several nationalities to Sharknado 2: The Second One. It was a hit. Everybody basically spent the entire movie laughing and/or making snarky comments. We started trying to predict who was going to die and where the sharks would come from. I think that perhaps the US students who had already seen it had not adequately prepared the other students for the wonders of Sharknado. They were all sort of confused, but seemed generally pleased overall. So basically we’re still doing a great job as cultural ambassadors.

After Sharknado ended, a Danish girl mentioned that she had seen a movie in the same vein as Sharknado in that it was ridiculous and terrible in the absolute best way possible. This movie was called Kung Fury, and it was literally amazing. It was basically a spoof of 80s action movies with lots of stupid tropes like Nazis and time travel and scantily clad women. I think it may even have been better than Sharknado. 

It’s good to know that no matter where you are or where you come from, people can always bond over a terrible film.

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The Quest

My actual course began today, and it was exciting to finally get into what I applied for. The climate change stuff was interesting, but Arthur is who I am here for. Unfortunately, I think the rest of my classmates are weird. It should be ok, though, because I have actually started trying to make new friends. Yes, I, Ellie, a generally awkward human being, am trying to make new friends. 

Tonight we got a huge group of people together to try to watch Sharknado because most of the non-US students have never seen it. We couldn’t find an HDMI cable, so we ended up having a giant ping pong party outside. We had a huge group playing king of the court and chatting between turns. I met people from all over, including, weirdly, a Brazilian guy who has a friend on my school’s baseball team. The friend knows my cousin. It’s a small world after all.

I think this is the most exciting thing about this experience for me. I really thought that the class was going to be the best part, but honestly I’ve been having a great time meeting new people and learning about where they’re from. I might actually be living up to the cultural ambassador goals of the Fulbright Program. It’s been so much fun making actually meeting new people who are nothing like me at all. I feel like most of these statements are super obvious and clearly the goal of an international summer school, but I’ve been having a way better time accomplishing these goals than most goals I’ve been set.

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Exeter-ing London

That’s the worst pun I have ever made.

Anyway, today we returned to London. Those of us who had been living in Exeter already were excited to go “home.” We piled into two giant coaches and spent three hours zooming on down the highways. The program coordinator had some of us sit with him for the ride back, so I got to chill with him for the journey. That was actually pretty cool, although I kind of felt bad. We sort of took the best seats. And there were only the few of us on the bottom level of the coach, so it was really nice. This, children, is why you always befriend the administration. 

Ok wow sorry that went too far.

Anyway, we chatted about movies and TV and really boring podcasts. I had a magical pastry from a place called Gregg’s in a rest area. We got back to Exeter and picked up our timetables. While the other students were settling in, a couple of us took off to find detergent and a drugstore. This meant a visit to Poundland.

Poundland was great. Imagine, if you will, a Dollar Tree. Then, combine it with Meijer. That was Poundland. Everything was cheap. Everything was great. Detergent was acquired. Trousers were cleaned.

Tomorrow is the beginning of our real classes. I’m super excited, but super nervous. On the one hand, YES I GET TO LEARN ALL ABOUT MY FAVORITE MYTH EVER. On the other hand, oh god what if everyone in my class is ________ (weird, freakishly intelligent, uninterested in talking to me, completely stupid, an actual scholar of King Arthur, etc.)? I’m excited to maybe make some new friends, but also I like the people I’m already friends with. I think some of the complete panic I’m feeling is maybe being caused by how tired I am, so I should probably remedy that.

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London Calling 3

On our last full day in London, we visited the British Museum. It was sort of boring. I was surprised, honestly. The best part was the Parthenon Marbles. Actually, no, the best part was making cracks about how it was literally the museum of stuff the Brits stole. We were only in the museum for about an hour. We were outside of the museum for probably that long trying to work a selfie stick. Yes, we became those tourists. It was amazing. This selfie stick was so high tech. It worked with bluetooth, somehow. The phone holding part was nearly impossible to figure out. We managed to make it work, and we got an excellent group shot featuring the museum in the background an the selfie stick in the foreground.

Upon leaving the museum, everybody wanted food. We went for pie. Savory pie. It was actually magical. Who knew pie could be salty, meaty, and delicious? Not me, until yesterday. This pie basically reaffirmed my belief that pastry is magical. While enjoying our pies, we sat outside and listened to buskers performing classical music. We also got gelato. What I’m saying is that we had the best lunch ever.

We set off for Baker Street after finishing our meal. Unfortunately, we were waylaid by Harrod’s. Harrod’s is a horrible, giant department store full of overpriced luxury goods and ostentatious decoration. It actually kind of made my skin crawl. I don’t know what was up with that place, but I felt sort of gross the whole time we were there. Probably there is some underlying meaning about the disgust of excess to be found here, but I’m too tired to coherently articulate it. Just know that I did not enjoy Harrod’s. 

We stopped for a rest  in Hyde Park, and everybody wimped out on going to Baker Street. Yes, after all that, we didn’t even get to Sherlock’s. Oh, well.  We did, however, go to a very cool pub called The Albert. The pub was almost 300 years old. The building was amazing, and so was the food. That, or I was just half starved from all the walking. Everyone ordered so much food. It was way too much food, actually, and dinner turned into a complicated metaphor about World War II wherein two guys representing different countries attacked food representations of more countries. I have no idea how it started, but it just went on and on. I think possibly all of us were a little high on exhaustion. 

We concluded the evening drinking at a place called Soho Joe’s. A pizza was ordered and consumed (not by me. I’m still amazed by how much food has been eaten by a couple of the dudes here. [Also, if you didn’t notice, eating is basically all we did in London]). The drinks were not good. The conversation was. That’s been one of the highlights of this trip for me, actually being around people who talk about things. Ideas maybe is a better way to put it. We all sort of talk and argue, but it’s friendly. Everybody just sort of talks about what they think and why they think it. I don’t think I have ever been with so many articulate and well-informed people. I don’t know; I’m just having a good time. Real discussions are cool.