Paper Window Dreams

[paperwindows]

the trains weren’t running

toe to toe

intellectualising intellectualising

i uninvited him to the party

and then we had a fight

i yelled

and I don’t want to be your friend

i cried that you could not see me

how do i bare an insult

your eyes are so different from mine

im not here - i’m high, i’m observing myself

you told me your friend said what i’d taken offensive to was benign

[paperwindows]

I am waiting for something to go wrong

I am waiting for familiar resolve

I am waiting for another repeat

Another diet fed by crippling defeat

And I am waiting for that sense of relief

I am waiting for you to flee the scene

[paperwindows]

in lieu of mulling or meditiation

i flinch away,

an attempt to press pause,

to move the distress away,

to stop it in its tracks so we do not have to hold it and look at it,

and i see myself from above again,

eyes closed, fingers and ankles turn,

and i see your frustration growing,

you call it confusion but it does not meet my touch.

[nevver]

Gutter ball, Mark Power

[paperwindows]

ive been listening for a song that sounds like you

and you told me today that you love everything about me

[paperwindows]

if i could reassure you

i would say i am right here

i am not going anywhere

[paperwindows]

My feelings grow

[paperwindows]

this bolt from the blue

brings new weather

is it ok if i am not ready to acclimatise

[paperwindows]

i am alone

i am on my own

you put your hands right up under my ribs

fishing up around my lungs, fingers pressing into the heat of my beating heart

i grasped your elbows and pulled down, bloody forearms, palms and nails revealing themselves - seperate, again.

so you said i cannot have you in my space - there is no more.

[paperwindows]

the breath does not quite make it down

not filling my lungs

lingering

stagnant

panicked

now i am needy for his friendship

while he leaves me on seen

because i did not want to hold his hand

[paperwindows]

rubbing black sand into my shoulder

stepping into the stream

fear is cold on my feet

salt water in my airways

[paperwindows]

happiness

rests in the movement of knees

energy shifts in weight side to side

pleasure lies under my eyes, above my mouth, and in the curves of my ears

always open to the world

[paperwindows]

rumination

ruminating

what if

i what if

off into the loop

and there is no dopamine here

nothing happy

no joy

maybe there is no message

no learning

and what if

i’m just broken

this simulation gave me

broken brain chemistry

[paperwindows]

healing

comes in layers

the stretching of denim tight on my fuller thighs

awkward pauses leaving holes i do not jump it to fix

[paperwindows]

The cars out of petrol

And he told me it’s in my nature to figure it out, both feet on the ground

I’ve been thinking about how you said you weren’t that good yesterday, a little bit in the pit

And I’m worrying again, that my worrying will always get in the way

Im 32 but I don’t feel grown, I feel lost

I told him that for such a nice man he’s aggressive in his language around sex

[paperwindows]

anxiety arises

everywhere in my body

pushing my chest up and down

and i think "i know what to do, nothing"

"i know there is nothing to do"

but it keeps calling out to me

uncomfortable

and when it gets my attention it pulls me into its whirlpool

around and around we go

we are alone, we will never be able to manage and cope, we cannot sit with anxiety, we are destined to die.

[paperwindows]

grounded

trying with all my might

but i cannot feel the floor

breathing out for 8 counts

but the air in my lungs wonders why we're here