Paper Window Dreams

[paperwindows]

i kissed him

to calm him down

but who will kiss me

who calm me

who will let me down

[paperwindows]

i am sorry

the mess

being vulnerable

not talking to me now

[paperwindows]

Kua whāiro atu ē

Paku tohu i a koe

I te mutunga āu tuke

Kei te mārama

Ō kupu kūoro tahi

He taute, te tiro pī

Te kurapae a roto ī

[paperwindows]

they want to do drugs with me

you’d be turning in your grave

i wonder if i can be floored by him

i want to change him more than i wanted you

[paperwindows]

i say that i am not

i am not following

sometimes i show the parts of myself most close to shame

first

testing the waters, i step right in to see if i can swim

i said that i do not want to be touchy, i want to sit with my discomfort, i wonder if i'll drown with the irony weighing me down

[paperwindows]

we talked for six hours and now there's a throbbing next to my eyes,

there's an elephant in my room and it's white

[paperwindows]

the trains weren’t running

sitting to toe to toe

we intellectualise intellectualising

i uninvited him to the party

and then we had a fight

i yelled

and I don’t want to be your friend

i cried that you could not see me

how do i bare an insult

your eyes are so different from mine

im not here - i’m high, i’m observing myself

you told me your friend said what i’d taken offensive to was benign

[paperwindows]

I am waiting for something to go wrong

I am waiting for familiar resolve

I am waiting for another repeat

Another diet fed by crippling defeat

And I am waiting for that sense of relief

I am waiting for you to flee the scene

[paperwindows]

in lieu of mulling or meditiation

i flinch away,

an attempt to press pause,

to move the distress away,

to stop it in its tracks so we do not have to hold it and look at it,

and i see myself from above again,

eyes closed, fingers and ankles turn,

and i see your frustration growing,

you call it confusion but it does not meet my touch.

[nevver]

Gutter ball, Mark Power

[paperwindows]

ive been listening for a song that sounds like you

and you told me today that you love everything about me

[paperwindows]

if i could reassure you

i would say i am right here

i am not going anywhere

[paperwindows]

My feelings grow

[paperwindows]

this bolt from the blue

brings new weather

is it ok if i am not ready to acclimatise

[paperwindows]

i am alone

i am on my own

you put your hands right up under my ribs

fishing up around my lungs, fingers pressing into the heat of my beating heart

i grasped your elbows and pulled down, bloody forearms, palms and nails revealing themselves - seperate, again.

so you said i cannot have you in my space - there is no more.

[paperwindows]

the breath does not quite make it down

not filling my lungs

lingering

stagnant

panicked

now i am needy for his friendship

while he leaves me on seen

because i did not want to hold his hand

[paperwindows]

rubbing black sand into my shoulder

stepping into the stream

fear is cold on my feet

salt water in my airways