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[passingobsessions-blog]

I just had one of my actually screaming nightmares come to life.

A snake. In my bedroom whist I was unaware. I was happily playing merge dragons(a recent addiction). And heard what I thought was a mouse rustling in a storage bag. (Ocassionally they get into one and can’t get out) I look and see a long dark shape. I blink a couple of times thinking what is that. And suddenly realize it’s a snake tangled in my blankets and across the top of the plastic storage bag. I am standing on the bed pointing my firearm(yes I carry for personal protection. It’s a long story but I actually had a stalker try to kill me). At this slithery creature when I remember not to shoot there are gas lines under the floor somewhere. It’s on the floor I’m on the bed So what do I do? I called 911. Asked about animal control in between almost screaming “it’s in my room!” Repeatedly. They sent a couple of officers out to catch it. Only took them about ten minutes to get here and get it caught so kudos to them.

I feel a little bad that they had to kill it but I didn’t have anywhere to set it free and I think the poor officer was nearly as afraid as I was. So when they asked if they should set it loose in the yard. I anxiously said I don’t want it getting back in. So they disposed of it in the dumpster after a fast and hopefully painless termination.

This is an actual repeating nightmare I have had since I was very young. The one type I would not go to sleep after. So to have it actually happen to me is terrifying. I was in full blown panic mode and just wanted it gone. If I could have stayed calm I would have called a local rescue but that wasn’t happening in the moment and I hope there is never a repeat performance.

I have held and touched snakes associated with animal Ed and rescues but a wild snake in my bedroom where I sleep is not an okay experience. I could have handled coming across this in the yard or even the garage and just called someone to chase it away but inside my house flipped a switch that had me freaked. Combined with the anxiety I was already experiencing since my wallet was stolen earlier in the week and you have a perfect storm for a freak out. Of course I still need to work tomorrow and get my Liscense replaced in the morning so that picture is gonna look awesome after no sleep. Seriously need to sleep but I think it’ll be with the light on.

[passingobsessions-blog]

PTSD and everyday triggers

Talks a little about my dads death. May trigger some people.

My coworker has a phone. Most people’s coworkers have phones. My coworker however still uses the original default ringtone. And he gets a lot of calls.

The problem. That ringtone is the one that was on my phone when I got the call my dad was sick. Then again when I got the call he was being hospitalized. Then again for the third biopsy. Then for his diagnosis. Then it was still my ringtone when he stopped breathing and had to be put on life support so we could say goodbye and when he finally passed it rang again.

That ringtone triggers an anxiety attack every single time I hear it. My heart speeds up and my hands shake. Sometimes it’s hard to breath and I can’t focus on what I’m doing.

But it’s not gunshots or fireworks so I struggle to expain that it’s a real trigger. That this stupid innocuous sound is hurting me. That it would be so easy for someone to change it to anything but that ringtone literally any other ringtone in existence . I am told to lay off cause everybody has a phone and I’m the only one who has a problemwith it.

So frustrated. Wish more people understood trauma. In the meantime I will still flinch every time the ma bell I work with gets another call.

[passingobsessions-blog]

I feel tied down to my place in life. Like all the potential I have is waiting to strike hindered for no hammers have yet been forged.

[passingobsessions-blog]

Cranky today

I got completely overwhelmed today at work. So frustrating because I felt like a cranky toddler over stuff that doesn’t matter in the long run but was messing with my stability today. Coworkers were good about it thankfully and blamed it on low blood sugar but I couldn’t help but feel it was more that I was just so overstimulated this week and we were in a really busy loud location trying to do work that frustrates me already. Wanted a nap so bad I could cry and glad to get home where it’s quiet. Don’t think I’ll be going anywhere tomorrow just chillin in my peaceful place.