this is THE funniest punchline I’ve ever seen

oozey mess

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@passionpapayagreentea
this is THE funniest punchline I’ve ever seen
You don’t have to fake orgasm to help your partner’s ego. The guy I lost my virginity to wrote a play about the experience, and the character based on me gave a monologue about how she regretted sleeping with him because no one else would ever be that good. So, yeah. Just tell him you didn’t cum.
Im sorry he wrote a fucking what
I don’t care why, this is hysterical.
This is the best kind of prank.
No scares, no injury, no property damage, just confuse the hell out of someone.
when you click on a link and it opens in the same tab
rawest fucking hozier lyrics in no particular order:
i’d suffer hell if you’d tell me what you’d do to me tonight
heat of her breath in my mouth; im alive
i’d be the choiceless hope in grief that drove him underground
idealism sits in prison, chivalry fell on his sword
and when the earth is trembling on some new beginning with the same sweet shock of when adam first came
every version of me dead and buried in the yard outside
the stench of the sea and the absence of green are the death of all things that are seen and unseen
if I was born as a blackthorn tree i’d wanna be felled by you, held by you, fuel the pyre of your enemies
some like to imagine the dark caress of someone else, I guess any thrill will do
before the wave hits, marveling at god; before he feels alone one final time and marries the sea
betray the moon as acolyte on first and fierce affirming sight
i have never known peace like the damp grass that yields to me, I have never known hunger like these insects that feast on me
screaming the name of a foreigner’s god; the purest expression of grief
sweet and right and merciful, i’m all but washed in the tide of her breathing
but you don’t know the hell you put me through; to have someone kiss the skin that crawls from you
so i try to talk refined for fear that you find out how i’m imagining you
my head was war, my skin was soaked, I called your name ‘til the fever broke
be still, my indelible friend, you are unbreaking
remember me, love, when i’m reborn as a shrike to your sharp and glorious thorn
true but how could you forget:
my peace has always been dependent, on all the ashes in my wake
I’m somewhere outside my life, babe, I keep scratching but somehow I can’t get in
And the nights were as dark as my baby, And half as beautiful too
lemme just add
true that love in withdrawal was the weeping of me, that the sound of the saw must be known by the tree
if secrets were like seeds, then i’m lying on the marble marvel of the flowers you have made
why would make out in words a cage for your own bird, when it sings so sweet the screaming, heaving fuckery of the world
psych majors be like hold up… 👁👁 im readin ur mind
Me: *minding my own business*
Will.i.am: hit it Fergie!
Me: ALL THE TIME I TURN AROUND BROTHER’S GATHER ROUND ALWAYS LOOKING AT ME UP AND DOWN LOOKING AT MY (UH) I JUST WANNA SAY IT NOW - I AINT TRYING TO ROUND UP DRAMA LITTLE MAMA I DONT WANNA TAKE YOUR MAN AND I KNOW IM COMING OFF JUST A LITTLE BIT CONCEITED AND I KEEP ON REPEATING HOW THE BOYS WANNA EAT IT BUT IM TRYIN TO TELL THAT I CANT BE TREATED LIKE CLIENTELE CUZ THEY SAY SHES DELICIOUS
I hate when a woman says she hates something about her body and a man says “I’d still fuck” like that’s suppose to magically clear up my skin and elevate my self esteem.
Plus men will fuck anything. There are men in a mountain somewhere fucking goats cause they gussy is tight. Bye
gussy
if u think im cute u legally have to tell me
who am i without rice.
why am I hilarious and also beautiful
self care is putting yourself to bed on a regular schedule because it’s the base treatment for mood disorders
there’s no twist or anything it’s just really really good for u to sleep at consistent times
me reading this at 5am:
evolution of moods 1-3am