I'm constantly getting cut on the precipice of your cutthroat glare
I still desire it, like a teenager craves a pencil sharpener
Like my wandering soaked up heart still sits with you
The only area we connect is anger
Every 3-5 business days or months I'm here
Sitting on a metaphorical doorstep drooling over a memory of you
A memory that maybe I constructed
A distant phone rings, and when I pick it up it's your voice, cold with hatred
The mailbox shoots a million poloroids at me, each a snapshot of your stabbing eyes on Broadway st.
The last time I saw you I felt my blood like permafrost
90 degree heat does nothing to quench me
I am insatiable, putrid, disgusting to you
Your anger has become mine
There's a reason I tried so hard to memorialize you before you left
If one loving touch was enough to last a lifetime, I wouldn't fucking be here
So much of your love is shards
Each one with a glint of a charming grin, a memory of safety as you held me
Perhaps they're a mirror, like our suns and moons, reflecting me, reflecting you
Maybe that's why they call it disorganized attachment
Because I can't fucking pick them up
Everyone else on the planet is just fine
They aren't moving, they aren't seeing
I'm pushing so hard at the crust of the universe to go back in time
I never will
Instead I'm memorializing anger
Instead I'm forgetting you, except in some dreams where you love me
My lungs burn for you
And for the lack of air you once gave me
There's no cut, drug, or drink that would quite touch me like you do
Nor a 12 step program for firework kisses
Or rehab for losing hours in your company
Slate eyes, twin flame, open fire
You are everything and nothing to me
A well-intentioned flame cannot lick away a fire that burns brighter
The more I try, the more you are there
The more you are there, the more I yearn
The more I burn and cut and bruise and wail
Anger is consuming me, and so are you
-E 2022
