Passive Curiosities

A place for meandering thoughts

[passive-curiosities]

Thinking about the need I have to introduce my hobbies to people that may be outside the video game community. Almost like making instructional videos a friend/family member just so they have an understanding of what I'm experiencing in some of my downtime. Show the similarities between professional sports and sf. The all inclusive nature of the community and the diversity. The fun of having swag and fighting, but not tied to a physical risk or barrier to entry.

Same thing I want to do in OW, showing a match and explaining the thought process and some adventures that are created.

The SF community is so cool.

[passive-curiosities]

Man it is cluttered here

Feels almost like the game STRAY, where you run around this neon/jungle/industrial/tokyo-esqe city run by robots. There are hints of emotion here, connection. But it gets... gravitational. The sifting through the rubbish as its being pulled toward you. Like walking down a crowded city street. Alone yet not at the same time? Just so, loud.

I came back here after a brief haiuts. A short stint of time where most of my hobbies either live or die. I'm glad to see this one make it out. It has progressed further in this race through life, but one cannot keep juggling every hobby forever. There is legit only so much time.

And that's the inspiration for bringing this back here. A palce to curate my thoughts and ideas. A bench to sit on in this crowded city of the internet. A place to set up shop. [Serve tea][1] - This tangent needs to be followed up at a later date.

All in all, I just want a place to share cool things that are just for me. A place that can hold like a museum to myself. A barometer of me. To have that perspective of what I would look like to see all my interests packed into one profile. What could you tell about a person? How would someone judge/relate to your profile?

A place free of etiquette where people can come to my wacky museum if they want.

So I chose here and I am reminded of why I chose here. Or I could just be rationalizing my previous decision to do so. Either way, I win?

All this so I can post overwatch replays. God damn.

AND I DIDN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT THE [SLAVIK INCIDENT][2]

From now on, hopefully anything in the [] will be related to a future post. Maybe I will start numbering them... and that way it provides some accountability for finally finishing a damn thought.

[passive-curiosities]

An Empty Waiting Room

It's interesting how one can get so much passion and joy starting a project or a hobby, but the moment it gets capped at any point it is up to the individual to decide wether to keep pushing forward or not.

Jack of all trades, master of none mentality.

It's that moment when you self evaluate to see if something is worth your time or not. There are so many options in this world, and dedicating yourself to a single action comes at the cost of potentially doing another.

The grass is always greener, right?

But I have discovered a joy in taking the time to think about things. Actually consider what I am doing. Being mindful, I reckon what people are calling it. And I am finding much more joy in the things I am doing.

The internet is a strange place. A place where you are not doing things just for yourself, but for others to see as well. That adds a whole different element to drive because you are secretly waiting to be seen and heard and engaged with. I know no one will ever read my journal, but there is a slight possibility someone will read this.

Is that the drive that keeps one going? A year from now, will I be upset if there are still 0 views on my work, but I have continued to maintain my progress? Is the satisfaction of doing something for myself outweigh the need to do it for others? I guess we will see, hopefully.

I wonder what type of reaction I will have. If my voice will change, knowing that I am in a public space versus the privacy of my journal.

As of right now, it feels as if I am in an empty waiting room in a hospital lobby. One of those old wings that is closed down, but still stocked and ready for use just in case. You can feel the hustle and bustle of living and dying just a few floors down or a wing over, but here it is quiet. It is almost peaceful in a haunted/spiritual sense. A liminal space, not quite finished but also not quite started.

Maybe someone will walk in and see a stranger, change the game snapping back into the reality of the world. Will they engage? If this were an actual scenario, and someone walked in, what would happen if they just sat quietly next you. How long would it take to have your mind stop reeling in distress, to overcome the fight or flight mentality. Would you feel the need to talk? Would you feel the need to leave? Probably. But what if you didn't? What if you let your mind wander back to its original state while that person was in the room.

Would your voice change? Would your mannerisms change? How long would it take for you to be truly back to your real self. Would you ever be be able to go back?

After an experience like that, would any room feel the same again knowing that someone could just walk in at any time.

[passive-curiosities]

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This is the symbol I had a dream about:

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First I would like to establish that I think in the form of sentences and words. Often times, I find myself struggling to respond to a text, email, or even conversation where I narrow it down to a few choices on how to act next. I find myself in a state of analysis paralysis and become stuck in this mental loop of repeating words, often times questions and answers.

Think about when I have to end a conversation. How does one do it properly? I need to take into consideration the other person's point of view, what happens next, what is the best way of being kind and considerate. How do you respond to someone via text without any context of where they are, what they are doing, or the meaning behind the words they are saying.

I dreamed of this symbol to represent the conclusion of something. The same as a subtle nod or a smile in conversation to represent that you're moving on to something else but don't want to be rude. A way to respond to someone and say I have heard and listened to what you have said, given it consideration, but there is nothing more I can add to this conversation. I am out of questions to ask, you have explained it to me fully and I am ready to move onto a different subject while not necessarily ending the conversation.

It represents that lull in conversation, where both parties are trying to think of something to say next. A way to reassure to someone that yes I was listening, and by all means please continue but at that moment I have nothing to add.

I worry on the internet that I will come across as defensive or rude. That somebody out there will say that I am wrong no matter the case, and that is okay. In real life, I would want to hit them with kindness and try to ensure that I can make everyone happy. But I know that is unrealistic. By using this symbol, it will be a way to acknowledge those opinions. To know they have been read and I have definitely thought about responding but ultimately did not know how to respond or felt that a response wasn't necessary.

I'm already thinking it sounds rude, that its not up to me to end conversations because I feel like it, but sometimes I just get tired. I just want to listen and I like when people talk. But conversation is a game of back and forth. And sometimes I'm just not up for it.

Im curious to see how this goes on the internet. The ability to have multiple conversations at one time is nerve-wracking and unfamiliar. I liken it to a dinner party where I go around having conversations with multiple guests. Trying to learn about them, looking at how they interact with others, planning my course of actions and noting down tidbits of information to strike up a conversation if necessary. I can carry my own and I am usually seen as outgoing, but I can only put up that facade so long before I am utterly exhausted.

Here, though, I can take my time. Be what I want and see if anyone comes to me rather than me seeking out connection.

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[passive-curiosities]

Out in the Ether

Looking for a place to send my thoughts into the wild world of the internet. A place to share some musings while anxious, high, or bored. This is something I have never done before, attempting to engage myself on some sort of social media. Always a lurker, never a poster. But today I make the choice to open up and talk into this void that so many others are yelling into as well. Maybe people will hear, maybe they won't but that's okay.

I feel like its walking down a new nature path. Am I expecting to run into anyone? Maybe. Do I want to? Probably not. But if I do I will be nothing but kind and cordial and wish you on a good day.

But is that really true? This is the internet after all. I have the capability to stop, pause, think about what I am going to say and respond how I please. This is a realm of endless possibilities and I can choose to be someone else entirely. And maybe I will be. Maybe I will discover a side of me that is different from who I am in real life.

I guess we will find out.

If you happen to read this, thank you for stopping in on this journey. I looked into creating a blog via wordpress, signed up for reddit, created an instagram all with the intention of trying to say something. Tumblr seems like the perfect place of mixed media and openness to just get things out there.

I think I'm just going to let my brain soak in the emptiness for a while. I don't like that websites make you pick all your interests upfront, trying to rabbit hole you into curating the perfect site. I don't want to be influenced by others just yet. I want to take the time to cultivate my own style and voice before seeing what fits in the norm. This is my chance to think.

To write and to learn. And to wave hello at others on this trail.