Pathfinder With Idiots

[patfinerwithidiots-blog]

Krignar the Blessed

So there were more than one annoying characters along for the ride with the campaign I mentioned before. The Jade Regent it was called. We were essentially trying to get the proper empress to the equivalent of Japan in this world so that she could take her throne back from Oni, it is a cool campaign, but we had another interesting character along for the ride.

Krignar the Blessed. A farm hand, and nothing else. He was an archer, but only figured out how to use a bow on the morning we went out to adventure. Just came to him. But yea, we had arrived in a town called Riddleport and it was full of thieves. There was also a problem with a traveling family of Werewolves in the area, but this wasn't out concern, we had somewhere to be.

BUT KRIGNAR HAD DIFFERENT PLANS.

So while we were all asking around town for advice to get over the equivilent of the north pole and get to our destination, he decided to go shopping. He spotted a kid stealing some stuff and chased him to a tent. Then kid turned into a wolf and attacked him, but Krignar being the bear hands fighting master he was, knocked the kid out. Now what would normal people do. Go to the authoritys? Confront the family? Something legal?

Nope, Krignar picks up the kid and puts him in his bag.

He kidnapped a werewolf.

He also stole some of their family heirlooms that had been in the tent.

But the kid woke up later, and Krignar didnt want to tell us, so he threw the kid, still in his bag, in a dumpster. Just left him there. But kept the heirlooms that he had stolen. So, with one werewolf dealt with and some stolen things, we left.

We were then confronted by a pack of about 50 werewolves as night fell. Our resident druid at the time Boris, did the only thing he knew how to do.

He took off all his clothes and lay face down on the ground. The werewolves were weirded out and only wanted their shit back. We gave it back and informed them of where to find their kid.

Krignar didn't apologies as he thought it was the right thing to do. We all hated him too.

[patfinerwithidiots-blog]

A Player Named Joe

Yea, we have a player that plays with us on a regular basis named Joe. Joe is an odd fellow, he doesn't really see what all the draw is with making characters that have complex lives, like one of my current PC’s is a Dampire, half vampire that had a messed up life. But Joe, he decides that he enjoys characters that are more down to earth.

So to this effect, he made two characters. One was a father, and the other was his son. He started out by playing the father, a druid that was a farmer named Boris Abacroft.

That’s it, he was a farmer in the town that we started in that decided to come along with us so that we could beat some goblins that were attacking the town. He took his young son with him as an NPC. His name was Arthur Abacroft, or Artie to his friends. Now Artie was, and still to this day is the biggest piece of shit that I have ever had to deal with and I love it, but we will get to the specifics of why I hate him later.

So we go to deal with the goblins, and its a pretty easy fight. But during the fight, Artie almost dies and we have to save him. He also takes experience from us because he is ‘contributing’. We are kinda annoyed but we let it slide.

We then move on to a dungeon, and again Artie is there with us, and again Artie almost dies and we have to save him. In the end he took some of our experience and a portion of the rewards from the dungeon. It was getting annoying, but in that “Haha I hate it so much naah not really” kind of way, but yea we had reached the end of the chapter and it was time to leave the village.

But Joe came to a conclusion. That Boris, the druid that was super useful and had been an amazing addition to the party, didn't want to go.

Yea, it turns out that in the process of creating a character that had a happy life and a family and no reason to adventure, he had forgotten the most important thing about adventuring.

YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO HAVE A REASON TO LEAVE.

So Boris stayed home and we instead got to have Artie, his rebellious young son become a PC and join the party. We thought “Oh, he is really weak because he was an NPC, he will probably die soon”

He was the only character that made it the whole way through the campaign. And he fucked the party over in a myriad of different ways, but I will have to get to them another time. For now begins the story of the Parables of Artie

But yea, side note, this Joe guy has a 28 page word document that he has written that is called “The Parables of the Abacrofts” And it is a family tree spanning about 5 generations of farmers that all have nothing interesting about them and is filled with their mundane every day lives.

He is a special kid, but we all love him.

[patfinerwithidiots-blog]

Am I Your Card?

So, some context.

I had a character named Tobias. For reference, he looked like Tobias Funke from arrested development, and was a magus that threw magic cards. Now, the rest of the party was doing considerable damage, like 9 to 10 damage per hit.

But Tobias was a special little snowflake, he was doing on average, like 2 damage per hit. He was terrible, and was basically just a joke character. Especially since his backstory was that of a failed children's party magician that got wrapped up in the craziness of the party. His favourite line was to yell “Is this your card!” As he threw a card that would either bounce off the target or do about 1 damage, so he was pretty useless.

But, we use a thing where if you get a critical hit on something, then some weird shit happens, especially if its magic. So, imagine if you will, a fight is coming to an end. The boss is currently grappled and cant move by our massive Mexican wrestler and everyone is piled into the room so there is no space, and no chance of her escaping. The only one not in the room is Tobias.

He decides “She is almost dead, I want the last hit!” so he throws a card with the weakest spell he knows. It would do like 4 damage max, never going to kill, but he critically hits her. Now, magic crits act a little weird, and the card that we drew was, and I shit you not, a card that made you change places with the person you hit.

So, the enemy is suddenly replaced with a balding middle aged man with glasses, and the whole party looks over to where Tobias was once standing to see a freshly freed enemy. She promptly runs the hell away as it was her turn next, and Tobias just looks up at the massive man with a Luchador mask that is currently pinning him to the ground and says

“Am I your card?”

Pure gold

[patfinerwithidiots-blog]

Introduction!!

So yea, I play pathfinder with a few friends, and I decided that since we do some of the stupidest things that I have ever seen in a game ever, that I would share it with the world!!!