Javi shows you how much he loves you after a visit in the bar with his friends who couldn't stop teasing him about his new-found love...
Contains: smut, p in v sex, oral sex (m & f receiving), fingering, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, praise kink, dirty talk, use of pet names, light possessiveness, condom use, brief mention of morning-after pill, soft!Javi, teasing, crying during sex (from pleasure), fluff, domesticity, Javier is obsessed with you, "i love you" for the first time, yearning, soft ending, vulnerability, established relationship
Wordcount: 8,957
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Javi took a small sip from his whiskey, feeling the alcohol burn against his throat as he swallowed it.
"Seriously?" Steve barked, gripping his shoulders tightly, his behavior noticeably altered by the alcohol he had consumed so far. Which was a lot more than Javi had.
"You're still at your first drink, Javi? Jesus… You're in a bad mood?"
Derek and Tom, two more friends from work, exchanged knowing glances, then leaned forward.
"He's not in a bad mood, Steve. You know that. But he's got a place to be. Just watch this motherfucker leave the bar at 11 to go home to his lady," Derek laughed.
Javi rolled his eyes, though he didn't deny their accusations right away.
"Right…" Steve snorted, emptying his glass in one go. "The mystery lady. How is she? You're gonna go to her after this?"
"Of course he is. Our man couldn't sit still since we got here."
"Just look at him being all shy…"
Their voices were a swirling chaos, mixing with the music gushing from the speakers in the corners. All Javi could do was roll his eyes again and shake his head faintly.
"Will you shut up? Goddamnit…"
"Are we wrong, though? That's why he doesn't drink so much. Because he's got other plans."
Javi chose not to answer and neither deny nor confirm their suppositions. Obviously, they were right, Javi did was going to come over to your apartment after this, just like you and he had planned. But his friends didn't need to know that.
One might not expect it, but Javi had never in his life encountered people more keen to gossip than those three men. He would tell them more about you, of course. But everything in its time. And he definitely wanted to find a quieter moment than a bar at 10 o'clock.
"I can't believe Javier Peña is in love at last… Would you guys have ever believed it? If I told you three months ago that we would be sitting in a bar and instead of approaching a beautiful lady at the counter, Mr. Playboy would sit here with his first whiskey of the night thinking about his girlfriend? Doesn't sound right to me."
Steve chuckled softly, but Javi could see in his gaze that he wasn't actually irritated by the shift in his behavior. No… just like Derek and Tom, he seemed satisfied. Genuinely happy for Javi, which made his lips curl involuntarily.
That and… you, of course. He couldn't help it. With his friends bringing up the topic of you over and over, it wasn't difficult to get lost in all the memories in his head, the countless dates, every single angle he had ever seen of your beautiful smile, the wrinkles around your eyes when you laughed, and how you jutted your jaw forward whenever you were thinking hard. There were a million things he could tell his friends about you if the circumstances allowed. How your eyes for some reason teared up when you drank sparkling water. How you always stubbed your toe on the last step when you sprinted up the staircase. Javi had told you so many times that you should just take it slower, but somehow, he couldn't stop you from falling into your old patterns.
"He's dreaming again," Tommy suddenly said, making Javi's eyes focus on his friend wearing a broad grin. They were clearly amused by the change in him. It wasn't that Javi was a different person around you, but nowadays, his head so busy going over every single detail he had ever spotted on you and was most smitten with, he was seldom fully present.
"Sorry," Javi whispered, but didn't really sound it. He lowered his gaze to the counter, scanning the wooden lines until Steve patted his back.
"Don't be sorry. I'm proud of you, you know?" His voice was oozing sarcasm, but Javi chose to just listen to what his friend had to say.
"You're finally in love… And it suits you. You've got that glow about you, my friend."
"Glow?" Tom laughed loudly, leaning in closer as if he intended to scrutinize his expression more closely.
"Yeah. Sometimes. Like during lunch break on Wednesday."
Goddamnit, Javi already knew what Steve was talking about without him having to give him any more information.
"What happened?" Tom asked, looking between Derek and Steve.
"Right, you weren't there for it. Missed quite the party. We were all eating peacefully, going over a case when Javi got a phone call. I swear to god, he looked at the number for a second and then rushed out of the room saying that he really needed to take that. Steve and I spent ten minutes guessing who it was, and this guy was fucking convinced it couldn't be her because Javi wouldn't be that worked up about it, but when he came back, I knew I was right. Because that man's face was glowing."
Yes, Javi remembered that moment so clearly he could go back to it any time he wanted. You had called him because you had had an important business meeting that morning. After you had told him about it the day before, he had insisted on you letting him know how it had gone the second it was over, which was why he had spent most of his lunch break in the copy room, listening to you recount the meeting, which had fortunately gone very well.
As so often these days, Javi had felt his cheeks burn when he hung up the phone, which hadn't gone unnoticed by his colleagues. It was just the natural effect you had on him. The sound of your voice alone made his knees weak and the blood rush through his veins, even when you weren't even in the same room.
"Really?" Tom chuckled at that, ripping him from his thoughts. "You really have to introduce her to us, Javi. We need to know what she's like when she's got that kind of effect on you…"
"You will," he quickly assured them, drinking the last sip of his whiskey before putting the glass back down with a low thud. "You will get to know her. She's… incredible."
Steve, who always became a little more touchy when he'd had a lot to drink, put a hand on his shoulder.
"He looks like a teenage boy with his first crush, doesn't he, guys?"
Tom and Derek laughed in unison, examining Javi's clenched jaw and sweaty brow, which was evidence enough that the teasing was getting through to him.
"Not a crush, though," Derek then corrected. "That man is head over heels. Remember when we saw him daydreaming in the office with that stupid smile instead of working?"
Tom and Steve, who only now seemed to recall the moment, burst into laughter.
"Yeah, yeah… very funny," Javi growled.
"You've gotten soft, my friend. You've turned into a soft, loyal puppy. I don't know how much I like that version yet, but it was about damn time you found someone. Need to make sure you're capable of loving, don't we?"
An hour later, Javi quietly walked up the stairs of the apartment building you lived in. His keys, or rather your set of keys you had given him, since he basically stayed over every single night, were dangling at his side, his head a little languid even though he hadn't had more than one whiskey. Which had been the source of a lot of teasing.
Javi normally didn't mind a few drinks in the evening at all, especially on a Friday night. But as his friends had so astutely figured out, he didn't want to show up at your place drunk, stumbling through the door so that you would have to get him to bed like a helpless child. No, the prospect of coming home to you was motivation enough and a source of infinite happiness to keep his good mood up even while everyone around him was gradually getting more wasted. They were probably still at the bar right then, making jokes about the changes in Javi's lifestyle, how he seemed more content and at ease these days.
Some of the things Steve, Tom and Derek had said about him had actually been rather kind, things that Javi felt proud of, but at the same time, he hadn't been too sad about leaving his friends early. Well, most of his anticipation about exiting the bar had probably been tied to you, to be honest.
He slowly put the key in the lock, turning it as quietly as he could. Javi assumed you were still awake, but he couldn't be too careful, especially since you had complained about a headache earlier when he had come home after work. It had worried him enough to offer to stay in with you rather than go out with his friends, but you had insisted that he go, claiming that you would be fine with a relaxed evening on the couch and a large jug of fresh water.
"Javi… hey."
You were sitting at the kitchen table, hair loosely tied in a knot and a sudoku in front of you.
"Hi, sweetheart." He crossed the distance between the two of you in two large strides, then pressed his lips against the side of your head. "How are you? How's your head?"
"It's fine, baby. I drank so much water, I think I went to the toilet four times in the last hour, but it worked."
Releasing a soft breath, Javi pulled up a chair to sit down next to you. "Great… I was worried."
"You were?" you asked softly, lips pursed in sympathy. "No… I told you to enjoy yourself, didn't I?"
Your hand connected with his cheek, gently tracing along his shaven skin that was never fully even.
"I know. And I still had a very good time."
"Yes?"
Javi nodded. "Yeah. Even though they can't stop with the teasing."
"What teasing?" you asked, eyes wide, but he just snickered softly.
"Just the usual… You know, the stuff about me being distracted at work sometimes… Talking to you on the phone. They said I had a glow on my face on Wednesday during lunch break."
"Oh," you said, your hand dropping to rest on his thigh instead of his face.
"Yeah. I figured I should take it as a compliment. I think you should take it as a compliment," he then added, prompting you to chuckle lightly, your voice warm and soft against his skin.
"Maybe I should… They really can't stop, can they? I thought they would grow tired of teasing you about this after a week or two."
"Oh, they're persistent, baby," Javi muttered and briefly kissed you on the mouth, running a hand up and down your arm. "Today, they also said that you made me all soft. That you softened me."
"I softened you?" you repeated with raised eyebrows, a dark gleam shimmering in your eyes.
"I hope you disagree with that, Javi…" you hummed seductively, glancing at his crotch.
"Jesus, darling…" Javi muttered, only now realizing the double meaning behind his friends' comments.
"What? I would be very disappointed in myself if you agreed with that…" Your hand followed your eyes, drifting up his leg until your index finger trailed along the stitching of his jeans.
"You don't, do you?"
"No. I — don't," Javi murmured, voice threaded with a faint tremble that you might have imagined. Yes, there it was. Javi looked down his body where his cock was stirring beneath the confines of his underwear. He could both feel it and see it, which meant it hadn't gone unnoticed by you either.
"Good… I would rather like to make you harder, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Javi purred, leaning in once more to capture your mouth in a gentle, still explorative way, even though he knew the lines and curves of your lips better than he knew his own by now.
Meanwhile, the two of you had shifted to sit on the edge of your seats, minimizing the distance between your longing bodies as best as you could. But it just wasn't enough. Javi felt his cock uncomfortably rub against the tightly woven fabric of his jeans, your index finger ghosting over his crotch doing nothing to calm his breathing.
"Sweetheart…" he murmured, letting out a sharp hiss that tingled at the corner of your mouth.
And then, it wasn't enough anymore either. Javi felt frustrated sitting so far away from you, your back too far away to reach around and unclasp your bra. So he stood up abruptly, nostrils flaring as he took in the sight of you. You had that feverish glow about you, and maybe it was exactly what his friends had talked about earlier. If that was the case, it seemed to be infectious.
"Where are you going?" you breathed, sweetly sucking your bottom lip between your teeth. With a deep huff, he took a step forward, slung an arm around your back and hauled you up, pressing you close against his front as he headed for your bedroom.
"Oh, I'm taking you right with me, cariño…"
Everything about your apartment was so familiar, which was why Javi moved with such confidence, each stride willful and determined.
"You look so gorgeous, Javi."
Throaty laughter left him as he placed you in the center of the bed like he owned the room and everything inside it.
"Oh yeah? I'm flattered then…"
"I really need you inside me, Javi. Please. I… I thought about it all day."
Running a hand through his messy hair, Javi climbed onto the bed as well, the mattress sighing under his weight.
"Don't worry, hermosa, I'm gonna fill you up well… You want it right here?" Without any warning, Javi cupped your pussy, not moving or rubbing against you but just holding his hand right there while you squirmed and sighed heavily.
"Yes. Yes, there, Javi… But I would also like to suck it."
With the sole purpose of teasing you, he pretended to think about your request for a moment, lips pouty and brow furrowed. You, of course, knew that he would never deny such a proposal, which was why you quickly gripped his length through his jeans, although you weren't able to paw at him like you would have been had he worn sweatpants like you did right now.
"You're getting a little greedy now, aren't you?"
Despite his teasing, Javi didn't stop you when you moved to the edge of the bed, challengingly darting your eyes at the empty spot in the middle. How could he have possibly found the strength to do that? You were a perfect dream, the most beautiful and intoxicating person he had ever laid eyes on, and there you were asking him to let you suck his cock. It was ridiculous and unreal.
Still, Javi moved into position fast, his head swimming and his tip already leaking with precum, just a reaction to what you were about to do to him. He remembered all the times you had taken him in your mouth in vivid detail, but the most outstanding experience to date had been the very first time.
There was no use pretending to be new to any of this, in fact, Javi wasn't hesitant to admit that he had spent a good amount of his early adulthood sleeping around and exploring all sorts of things.
This had advantages and disadvantages. For instance, he knew precisely what he liked, what he didn't like, what he despised and what his guilty pleasure was. But on the other hand, when Javi was with you, he wished he could experience everything again with you for the first time. Not that it wasn't great all the same. Actually, sex and everything around it felt even more enthralling, intense and arousing since he did it with someone he was so bewitched by. Still, there was something so intimate and special about sleeping with you that made him want to relive all his first times with you. Which was applicable to the rest of his life as well.
He was lowering himself onto the bed now, spreading his legs a little so that there was enough room for you to crawl between.
"Baby, you're too good to me, you know that?" Javi whispered, his hooded eyes taking in the way you found a comfortable position between his legs, your hands settling on the waistband of his jeans.
"I like making you feel good, Javi," you answered with a playful smirk pulling at your lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yes… I like the things that you say." He drove his teeth into his bottom lip, breath hitching while he lifted his hips to help you yank down his pants.
"You like the things that I say?"
"Mhm." You nodded, eyes brightening with joy at the tent in his boxers.
"So you like it when I praise you?"
"Maybe," you grinned wickedly, one of your hands wandering up his thigh all the way from his knee. You clearly wanted to tease him just a little longer, stretch out the moment until he was going to lose a bit of his composure himself.
"Sweetheart, you're killing me here… Saying stuff like that… Touching me like that."
"Like that?" you muttered, your hand ghosting less than an inch above his clothed cock.
"Yeah, fuck — like that. I really need you to touch me, cariño. Are you gonna do that? Or are you gonna try to make me lose my fucking mind?"
His tone was more hollow now, lacking the intense depth of his usual voice. Maybe that was exactly what you had been talking about when you said you liked the things he said, how you could probably tell from the way he spoke how far you had driven him with your teasing.
"I like making you lose your mind just a little bit…" you admitted, but finally brought your hand to his hard cock, caressing it like it was much more sensitive than it actually was.
"Fuck, baby…" He drew a sharp breath through his tightly clenched teeth, one hand buried in your hair while the other pressed flat on the bed. "Is that what you wanna do tonight? Tease the shit out of me?"
You pretended to think about it, which provoked Javi to chuckle softly. "Oh yeah? You're seriously considering that? What do you want to punish me for then, mhm? Did I do something?"
Your expression shifted at that, eyes growing wider as you gripped his cock more firmly.
"No… You didn't. It's just really hot, you know? How you… look at me. Makes me feel like you want me so much."
"Oh, and I want you so much. You know that, don't you?" Javi leaned his head back against the wall, lips curling upward while he gently ran his fingers through your hair.
"Yes."
Returning the smile, you started to pull down his underwear and yanked them to his ankles with his help. His cock was hard against his abdomen, the veins standing out prominently and you involuntarily curled and uncurled your toes.
"It's so pretty, Javi," you murmured, lowering your head to the same level as his cock and darting out your tongue to lick a slow strip across his glans.
"Baby," your boyfriend huffed, his muscles coiling even though his gaze seemed to soften further. "Fuck… Your tongue's — so good."
His hand at the back of your head didn't push or hurry you but rather caressed your scalp in a way that made it all too tempting to glance up at him every now and then and devour the look he gave you. That sheer expression of his lust, his appreciation and even admiration. But since your main focus remained his cock, you kept your eyes on it for the most part, letting more and more of him slip past your lips in a manner that made Javi's eyes roll back.
"Jesus fucking Christ… Darling, you — you're so good to me. How the fuck did I deserve that, mhm?"
You brought your hand to his cock, pumping the part of his length that you couldn't reach so easily with your lips while twirling your tongue around his tip.
"You're just really good to me too, Javi. And you taste good."
"And you just want me to lose my mind… That's it, right? Fuck…" His free hand combed through his own messy hair, sweaty and tousled both from his time in the bar and the attentive work of your generous mouth.
Slowly, gradually, so that you wouldn't gag around him, you went deeper with closed eyes, your tongue flat so that his cock could slide past it. He really did taste good, a little salty, mixed with something warm and strong. And then there was his scent… Javi always smelled clean and fresh, but beneath the layers of his aftershave there was also something you couldn't quite find words for, something that you could only link to him. He just smelled like… Javier Peña. Through and through. Which was part of the reason why you loved going down on him so much. Why you loved it when your face was pressed against him and his lips whispered your name like it was a sin that shouldn't make its way out of his apartment.
"You feel so good, baby. So good, you — fuck, cariño… Can you look at me? Please."
You raised your head a little, just enough so that you wouldn't choke the second you lost your focus on your breathing, following his request instead. It definitely wasn't the most comfortable position, but you managed to lock your gaze with his, blinking a few times, determined not to let go of his dick just because he had asked to see your eyes.
"You're doing so well, sweetheart… I don't deserve you, shit… Holy shit — I don't know how you do it."
After toying with his cock for a few more minutes, focusing on his shaft and tip rather than forcing all of him down your throat, Javi tenderly pulled you off with a low groan. Spit and precum were coating his member, which was also the reason why slick, wet noises had been bouncing off the walls of his bedroom for the past few minutes. You liked it messy and therefore didn't mind the mixture of your drool and his wetness trickling down your chin or dropping onto your neck. If anything, it just made you feel like you were putting all your effort into the blow job, which was your goal at the end of the day.
"I need to make you feel good too, darling… Can I? Please, princess."
"Yes, Javi," you quickly murmured, allowing him to lift your face and kiss your lips.
"I need you, sweetheart." His motions were a lot more urgent, rushed even, as he cradled your head for a little longer, then helped you lie back. This time, neither of you even bothered to turn around on the bed so that your head could rest on the pillow, Javi just guided you down, his face hovering above yours.
"Fuck, baby, you don't know how much I want you. How much I was looking forward to coming home to you."
He knew that he sounded like he didn't give a fuck about his friends, like the cliché of a person who falls head over heels for a woman and abandons all his friends for months because he is so deeply in love, but in that moment, he didn't care. Because it was true. He had thought about you with almost no break ever since he had left the house and had to say goodbye to you.
"Can I have your fingers, Javi?" you breathed, rolling your hips up into his to grind against his hard length.
"Anything you want, hermosa… Where do you want them, mhm? Inside you? On your pretty clit?"
"Inside, please," you replied at once, making Javi believe that you had been thinking about his hands the entire time you were sucking his cock.
"Alright, baby. You're gonna get everything you want, I promise. You just gotta tell me, and you'll get it. Always."
"Always?" you giggled, hips rising while your boyfriend kissed his way down your body, pulling your shirt up for his mouth to leave a wet trace across your skin.
"Of course. Wherever you are… When I visit you at work… In a restaurant… a bar." Javi's hands were splayed across your ribcage, his lips purposefully tickling your stomach and making you jolt.
"I don't know if that's a good idea…" you whispered, your pussy clenching with excitement as Javi pulled down your sweatpants along with your underwear, wasting no more time with teasing you.
"What is?"
"You saying that…"
His large hand stroked up your thighs, gently parting them to take in the state of your cunt. "And why?"
"Because I want you often."
Javi lowered his head, though his eyes remained fixed on you. "How often?"
"Mhm… depends."
"Depends on what?"
Before you could respond, you had to get your breathing under control, which was why you drew in a deep breath, watching his tongue peek out and carefully circle your protruding bundle of nerves.
"Many things… Like what you're wearing… The things you're saying…"
Although Javi was thoroughly occupied with drawing patterns all over your pussy as though he intended to craft a painting with the quick swipes of his tongue, your words piqued his interest and his eyes found yours once again.
"What things I'm saying, baby?"
Your mouth twisted, eyes sparkling brightly. "Like… Like when you tell me about your work."
"My work?" Javi couldn't help but chuckle, effortlessly parting your pussy lips with the thumb of his right hand.
"Mhmm, yes… Sometimes. It just… sounds so hot."
He was still laughing as he slowly pushed his thumb inside your fluttering, soaked hole that was sucking him in so well Javi assumed it wasn't nearly enough to satisfy your needs yet. You needed more of him, all of him preferably.
"Well, then I guess I should tell you about my work more often, cariño," he murmured, his voice a deep vibration against your skin. "Because I like seeing you like that. S'really fucking sweet."
Driven by pure instinct, your head tilted away from him, your hair covering the side of your face where heat was rising in your cheeks. Javi couldn't be sure, though.
"Am I making you blush, cariño?" he wanted to know, pressing an open-mouthed kiss right on top of your blazing clit.
"No," you quickly lied and thrust your hips forward, beckoning Javi to push his finger further inside you.
"Good. 'Cause if you were, I'd tell you there's no reason to feel that way. Now do you want more, babygirl?"
You couldn't believe he was even asking you that, your hand flying out to grab his broad shoulder.
"Yeah. Yes, please. Please, Javi. I need more."
He was so smug and so stirred by your pleas at the same time, tempted to draw the moment out a little longer, but in the end his desire to watch your pleasure unfurl in its purest form won out, and Javi put more strength behind his motions. He worked his thumb inside you to the knuckle, let a generous amount of spit run down your pussy and sucked the little nub between his lips, hollowing his cheeks to build pressure. All of it happened so quickly that your nails scraped his shoulders, even the thin layer of his open shirt unable to keep him from feeling a sharp pain soar through him. Still, it wasn't the kind of sting that would prompt him to tell you to keep your hands to yourself… No, Javi felt proud of making you lose control like that.
"Javi…" you howled, eyes pinched shut and thighs convulsing even though he had only just started.
"I know, baby. She tastes good. And I know she's been waiting for me, hasn't she? S'why she welcomes me like that. And s'why she's so wet and warm for me. Just for me, isn't that right?"
You adored listening to Javi giving your pussy pronouns, talking about it like it was a separate part of your body with a mind and needs of its own. You didn't know what it was about it, but you were well aware of the effect it had on you.
"Yes, Javi. Just for you. Only for you, fuck —" Your shoulders rolled, shoulder blades lifting off the mattress, hands travelling up to his dark hair, which you lightly tugged on. Once Javi decided it was about time to give you more of his fingers, he pulled his thumb out and instead fed you his middle and ring finger, both so long they reached far deeper inside you than his thumb had.
You nearly choked on your own spit, tension rippling through your spine like tiny shock waves, though you associated them with something good and pleasurable.
"Yeah, you're really fucking warm and tight for me right there, mhm? All that for me?"
"Yes, Javi. All that for you, please, fuck —"
You didn't even know what you wanted. Hell, how were you supposed to figure it out with his fingers seizing all your attention like a black hole every time you tried to coherently sort your thoughts?
But your boyfriend seemed to understand you regardless, or at least it felt like he was really hitting an aching spot when he slid his tongue over the underside of your clit. Yes, he was hitting all the right spots with that. His fingers were tapping against the spongy patch within your walls, which you rarely even found on your own, whereas Javi never let a single session go by without that little area getting its treat. "Like it deserves it," your boyfriend used to say.
Meanwhile, his tongue was taking care of your clit, which seemed to be in flames, your nerve endings on high alert. You wished he would quench your desires, finish what he had started and put out the fire scorching across your pearl, but at the same time you wished he were inside you with his cock rather than his fingers. Sure, you loved to squeeze around them, to feel them move and stretch your walls, but there was always something entirely different about Javi putting his cock inside you. The intimacy, the closeness of it all was probably what was most alluring to you.
"Javi…" you whined, voice higher than when you normally talked to him. You squirmed on the bed with your thighs pressing against either side of his head, your hips bucking in search of something you couldn't quite describe.
"I know, baby. I'm gonna make you feel so good. So good that this pussy's gonna soak my face. She's so wet, sweetheart, so fucking perfect for me… You feel that?"
Javi slowly drew his fingers back, proving to you that your cunt couldn't be called wet but downright drenched. Slurping noises rose from your center, so unambiguous and filthy that you might have felt embarrassed about it. But not with Javi. Not with a man who always worshipped your body's reaction to him and showed his adoration in the same way that he savored every last one of your moans and whimpers.
"I want you to — fuck me, Javi," you stammered, his lips closing around your clit and dragging his heavy tongue along the outline. It was staggering, so perfect that it took a lot of willpower to make peace with the fact that he was about to comply with your request and pull away, but you longed for his thick cock inside you too much to wait for your first orgasm of the night.
Javi loved to make you cum at least once before he buried himself inside you, but tonight your need to feel him was especially strong. You wanted to feel every inch of him on top of you, be able to tangle your fingers with his and drape your legs around his hips. And that was only possible with him lying on top of you, fucking you into the bed.
"You want me to fuck you, sweetheart? Now?"
"Yes," you whimpered and spread your legs wider. Javi didn't need any more than that. He hadn't been lying when he said he would give you anything you wanted, which also included stopping his tongue play on your cunt earlier than he had anticipated.
Panting heavily, Javi left his space between your legs, though he rubbed your clit one last time with the pad of his thumb. Then he crawled toward your bedside table and opened the top drawer with a confidence that suggested he knew his way around your apartment effortlessly. There they were. Condoms that fitted him perfectly.
"Really, Javi…?" you muttered through pursed lips, feet planted flat on the bed, your hand busy tucking your hair behind your ears.
"Yes, cariño. C'mon, don't give me those eyes."
He should have known that he had made a mistake the first time he had fucked you raw. Okay, it had happened more than once, but definitely no more than three or four times. Obviously, Javi had regretted it within minutes, but you had shown a particular fondness for feeling him without a condom every single time.
And to avoid the fear of getting pregnant, you had taken the morning-after pill, which had relieved Javi even though he wasn't keen on watching you go down that path just because it was convenient and allowed you that special connection during sex. Condoms were safer, and Javi knew that, goddamnit. At times, it was just very difficult to deny you anything at all. Tonight, he would remain unwavering, though.
"Just this once. Please," you begged, putting even more hunger and yearning into your eyes, though Javi quickly averted his gaze so that he wouldn't feel too tempted by your dangerous request.
"Baby, you gotta stop… I'm gonna make it good, I promise. You trust me, right?"
"Yes," you whined, glancing down at his cock, which was throbbing in his firm grip.
"Okay… Then just relax. And enjoy it."
Javi was quick to tear the small package open, fumbling with the plastic and dropping it onto the nightstand. Then his eyes connected with yours again, skimming past the yearning in your gaze with a faint stumble of his heart.
"I'm gonna make it good, cariño… Gonna do all the work… Just need my princess to enjoy it and keep her eyes on me."
You couldn't help but chuckle softly, which relieved Javi, who had feared that refusing to fuck you raw would set off your pouting.
"I can do the work too," you insisted, reaching for his hard, throbbing cock, but Javi shook his head with a glossy twinkle in his eyes.
"I know you can… But tonight I just want you to lie back and relax. Okay?" Javi lovingly placed his palm on your cheek, thumb stretching out to brush against your cheekbone.
"Okay…"
He didn't need to hear more than that. Running his hand up and down your thigh, Javi single-handedly rolled the condom over his cock and stroked himself a couple of times. Of course, he would have liked to forgo the condom as well, but he already knew that he would feel guilty afterwards when the two of you had to rush to the pharmacy in the morning for the morning-after pill.
His left hand guided his tip through your slit, smearing your wetness all over your folds to make a mess he would be happy to clean up later.
"Javi," you whimpered as his cock nudged your sensitive bud, your legs spreading a little wider as though reminding him where your hole was.
"You want me to put it in?" he murmured, leaning down with his entire weight, knowing well how much you adored feeling as much of him as you physically could.
"Yes. Yes, Javi, please."
Your chests were flush against each other, not just sweat connecting your bodies but your heat as well. Everything was in sync, your heavy breathing, your heartbeat, probably even your temperatures.
"Put it in," you demanded once more, then drew a slow breath when you felt his heavy tip nudge against your hole. As always, Javi pressed his thumb into your clit while he worked his cock inside your cunt, giving you something to cling to and focus on while your walls stretched to accommodate him. Besides, he swore he always felt you loosen up a little more whenever his finger provided extra stimulation.
"Oh my god," you hummed, sliding your hands over the toned muscles of his arms and shoulders before planting them on his back. You pushed gently against him, communicating that you wanted to minimize the distance between the two of you without using your words. And just like you had hoped, Javi understood despite your inability to speak.
"Baby, you feel like a fucking dream. Look at me, cariño, please."
It wasn't easy to keep your eyes focused on one spot as your pupils tended to uncontrollably flick to the sides whenever he was stretching your walls like that. Still, you tried your very best for him.
"Javi, oh my god, oh my god," you whimpered quietly, feeling his chest cage you beneath him in the most exciting way possible.
"That's it, sweetheart. That's it… You like it? You like it when I go in slowly like that?"
He wasn't even halfway inside you even though you were more than ready to take him in one go.
"Yes," you breathed, your legs wrapping around his hips tightly.
You were holding onto him like a monkey, like you weren't planning to let him go any time soon. Pulse thundering behind your temples, you hid your face in the crook of his neck while Javi disappeared inside you painfully slowly, taking his time with every single inch. Of course, his touch on your bundle of nerves hadn't stopped and he still rubbed fast circles over your skin, which caused your lids to flutter and your pussy to drench his girthy cock.
You didn't know how Javi managed to squeeze his hand between your bodies, which were pressed so closely together that you had been certain not even a sheet of paper would fit between you. Still, he somehow found a way.
"Just a little bit more…" Javi hummed against your earlobe, pinching your clit between thumb and index finger. "Fuck… You're squeezing me so tightly. Just need you to look at me. Need to see how — good you're feeling."
That was something you could comply with. You didn't struggle for a second to convey your love for his actions and didn't shy away from moaning his name softly, working it between your teeth like a reverent prayer or a holy exclamation.
"Javi… Javi, please —" You took a deep breath, which didn't help. You felt too hot and short of breath, your body deliciously confined in the best way you could imagine. Buried beneath the man you needed so badly, held in place by his strong arms.
At last, he was fully sheathed inside you, his cock hitting all the right spots from within. Now that he was entirely buried in your warmth, he couldn't hold back any longer and quickly started to move in a steady rhythm. You weren't new to his technique, his long, intense, still quite slow thrusts that seemed to press you a little deeper into the bed with each one.
"Oh my god," was all you could breathe, your eyes on him as requested, though a thick veil hung over your sight.
"I know, baby. Feels good, doesn't it? I can feel you clench so hard around me. S'a lot for your pretty pussy, isn't it?"
You nodded softly, hazy eyes gazing back up at him.
"Too much?" Javi searched your face suspiciously at the faint shake of your head. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Need to hear you say it."
"No. S'not too much. It's good like that."
His hand gently slapping your clit wasn't really a reward, yet it felt like one.
"Deeper, Javi… please. Please, I need — more."
This time, it was Javi nuzzling your neck with his lips, kissing along your pulse point and hungrily inhaling your scent.
"Deeper? I can't go any deeper, hermosa. I'm already all the way inside you… She won't let me, you know?" To give you something different all the same, Javi swirled his finger around your clit with more force, smiling contentedly as you softly cried out his name.
"Javi… Javi, oh my god. I'm gonna cum."
It was no surprise that you were so close, considering he had already spent some time between your legs warming you up. It wouldn't take him much longer either, even though part of him just didn't want to let go yet, wanting to feel you a little longer.
"Jesus… You're so fucking warm, babygirl. So wet 'n' warm. Just made for me alone, mhm? I want you to cum for me and I want you to let it all go. Don't hold back."
He tucked your hair behind your ears, which didn't align with the powerful, sharp thrusts he delivered at all. They weren't painful or brutal, of course, but rather made you believe that Javi wanted to make sure you felt him. Preferably for days after. Each one was pointed and precise, driving into you with so much force you shuddered when he slammed back. Occasionally, Javi even broke the rhythm just to make his thrusts a little more surprising, drawing out a few more of those squeals from you. With success, obviously.
"You're so —" you mumbled, teeth dragging over your tongue to release the tension building in your body.
"I'm what?" Javi grinned, knowing that whatever words had formed in your head would amuse him.
"Good. Fuck… so good."
"That's my girl… You know what it does to my cock, don't you? Hearing you talk like that." Javi glanced down meaningfully, though you couldn't see a thing with your heavy, swimming head comfortably resting on a pillow.
"No. What?" you innocently asked, toying with the hair at his temples as your hooded eyes took in each of his lustful glances down your body, your jiggling tits, the thin layer of sweat covering your cleavage.
"Makes it really fucking hard… And proud." Javi purposefully drew his hips back before snapping them forward harshly, fully filling your spent pussy.
"Oh my god," you panted, unable even to tease him further about the effect of your words on his cock.
"Makes me wanna give it to you all night… Just playing with that sweet pussy for hours while she cums for me over and over again… So often that she forgets which one was coaxed out of her by my fingers, which one by my tongue and which by my cock… Makes me wanna give it to her really good, hermosa."
Javi lazily dragged his thumb around your bundle of nerves, throat vibrating with laughter at the way you jolted and jerked underneath him.
"C'mere, cariño…" Javi placed wet kisses along your jawline, all the way around your face until he landed one on your lips. "I want you to cum for me. Want you to give it all to me, baby, fuck… Need to — watch it. How you lose it."
His face was flushed and gleaming with sweat, drops falling from his brow onto your cheeks, but neither of you could have cared less. You were both on the verge of exploding, so much pressure and tension built up in your bodies that Javi felt like the condom wouldn't catch his entire load.
Meanwhile, your hands were still pulling at his hair, using a little more force every time he hit a particularly good spot or touched your clit right at its most sensitive point.
"Cum for me, baby. C'mon, sweetheart," he whispered at the exact moment his cock was buried all the way inside you, the rough skin of his thumb pressing directly onto your nub.
It was all you needed. His exhausted voice, his torso trapping you beneath him. Your head spun like a carousel, and the next thing you knew you were orgasming around Javi's cock, clenching around him ten times harder than before. He followed at once and spilled into the condom, his entire body quivering and shuddering.
His head dropped while you greedily let air fill your lungs, the muscles in your stomach convulsing.
"Oh my god," you murmured like a religious mantra, a single tear escaping from your lower lashes, which Javi quickly wiped from your face. "Javi… I — shit."
"I know, cariño… I got you. I got you, always. Just look at you cumming like that… S'fucking perfect. You're perfect."
There was a lot of vulnerability resonating in his voice, but since you were hovering in a similar dreamy state, you met his tenderness precisely, bringing your hands up to the back of his neck.
"Don't leave," you whispered, caressing his shoulder blades and closing your eyes.
"Where would I go, baby, mhm?"
"You could go home. But I want you to stay."
"I want to stay too…" he muttered through clenched teeth, flexing his jaw as he glided a hand from your hip up to your ribcage.
Javi stayed.
And he didn't just stay, he also fucked you again and again, like he had wished for earlier. First with his tongue, since his cock needed a little time to recover. Javi knelt between your legs and kissed his way down your body, which drew a fresh layer of sweat across your thighs and raised goosebumps along your forearms.
He made out with your clit slowly and passionately, like an ardent kiss shared between two lovers. After your third high of the night, you were crying softly, causing Javi to crawl up to you and scoop you into his arms. Your chin resting on his shoulder, he brought his lips to your ear, nibbling at your skin and speaking quietly.
"Can I give you more, baby? I just can't fucking stop. You taste so good and I need to see it again. Need to hear you say my name when you cum. You say it like you're mine. Like you're trying to tell me that you belong to me and that I'm the only one who gets to touch that pretty pussy."
You wanted to tell him that it was the truth, and that you only ever wanted him to be so close to you, but the words caught in your throat. All you could do was nod and whine his name once more while Javi crawled back down your body.
"Never gonna be done with her, hermosa… Never gonna be done telling her how perfect she is," Javi murmured the instant before he dove back in.
After making you cum again, this time keeping his tongue inside you throughout your high, he fucked you one more time with his cock. He had had great plans to coax a fifth one out of you, but about halfway through you had pressed a hand over your mouth, whimpering that you were too sensitive, which he had respected without a second thought. So it was just him spurting into the condom while hissing curses through his gritted teeth, mostly followed by high praise for you, how well you always took him, how addicted he was to your cunt, how perfect you felt. Better than anything else he had ever experienced.
"Jesus Christ… You're gonna be the fucking death of me, hermosa, shit… Fuck, yeah, like that… Don't move, baby, yes… Just stay like that, goddamnit…"
Then it was over.
Javi pulled out of you carefully, aware that after four releases, you would shriek at the slightest contact against your raw skin. A much darker, more twisted part of him found delight and rotten pleasure in the idea of his cock turning you into such a mess. You had willingly let him bruise your insides, had allowed him to push his fingers or tongue back inside you again and again just because you were so intoxicated by the feeling of him.
"You make it really hard to stop, baby," Javi chuckled, lying down next to you and offering you his hand, which you eagerly took.
"How late is it?" you whispered.
"I don't wanna know…"
"Why?" you asked, turning your head to glance at his profile. "We can sleep in tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah… we can. But still. I think it's really late."
Chest rising and falling steadily, you kissed the knuckles of his hand. "I'm feeling very sleepy, Javi…"
"That's okay, cariño… I put you through a lot today. Are you feeling good? Everything okay?"
You nodded with a faint smile lingering on your lips. "Yeah. Very good."
"Your pussy too?"
Your grin broadened as you felt Javi's fingertips ghost over your thigh, drifting toward your center.
"Yeah… But I really can't go another round."
"I know," he admitted, jutting his jaw forward. "You're just… really addictive. All of you. Makes it hard not to touch you all the time…"
"Well, we've got all the time in the world tomorrow…" you murmured, knowing well how much your boyfriend adored lazy morning sex when neither of you were really awake but highly sensitive to each other's touch.
He had barely even stopped touching you, yet Javi was already excited by the idea of waking you up with his mouth. Perhaps you would still be wet from the night before. Or maybe his proximity, his cock pressed against your backside, would make you dream filthy things that would turn you on in your sleep, resulting in drenched panties when you woke up.
Before Javi's thoughts could wander too far, he quickly kissed the top of your head.
"I can't wait for it. I'm gonna be all yours."
You smiled, then tilted your face so that his next kiss landed on your lips.
"I love you, baby."
Those four words had been as quiet as all the others, yet they carried a different feeling. A different weight, a different emotion ringing in his tone. There was longing and desire mixed with curiosity and fear. Fear that you wouldn't say it back. Now more than ever, Javi became aware that he had never said it quite like this before. He had spoken about being in love with you, told you how wonderful and perfect you were, but saying it to your face like that? It was a first. And hell, it was a little scary.
"I love you too, Javi. I love you so much."
Tears welled in your eyes, your bottom lip quivering as you pushed your face against his neck. A wave of relief coursed through him, flooding from the top of his head down to his little toe. It was ridiculous to feel so afraid of you not reciprocating his love after everything you two had just done, but Javi couldn't help it.
He wasn't half as confident with you as he usually was. Not in a bad way, though. It wasn't like you drained his self-assurance, but he just felt so much shyer and more afraid of doing something wrong whenever he was around you.
Maybe that was what his friends had talked about in the bar. They weren't blind to the way you had fundamentally changed something within him. Something that Javi couldn't quite grasp, but he knew that he liked it. He liked this version of himself, the one who was capable of allowing himself to feel things he had been reluctant to admit before. He liked what you did to him, how he acted in your presence.
"Just stay, baby. I just want you to stay," you whispered, his and your limbs a tangled sprawl across the bed.
"I will stay, cariño. For as long as you want me to. God… I love you."
Javi shows you how much he loves you after a visit in the bar with his friends who couldn't stop teasing him about his new-found love...
Contains: smut, p in v sex, oral sex (m & f receiving), fingering, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, praise kink, dirty talk, use of pet names, light possessiveness, condom use, brief mention of morning-after pill, soft!Javi, teasing, crying during sex (from pleasure), fluff, domesticity, Javier is obsessed with you, "i love you" for the first time, yearning, soft ending, vulnerability, established relationship
Wordcount: 8,957
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Javi took a small sip from his whiskey, feeling the alcohol burn against his throat as he swallowed it.
"Seriously?" Steve barked, gripping his shoulders tightly, his behavior noticeably altered by the alcohol he had consumed so far. Which was a lot more than Javi had.
"You're still at your first drink, Javi? Jesus… You're in a bad mood?"
Derek and Tom, two more friends from work, exchanged knowing glances, then leaned forward.
"He's not in a bad mood, Steve. You know that. But he's got a place to be. Just watch this motherfucker leave the bar at 11 to go home to his lady," Derek laughed.
Javi rolled his eyes, though he didn't deny their accusations right away.
"Right…" Steve snorted, emptying his glass in one go. "The mystery lady. How is she? You're gonna go to her after this?"
"Of course he is. Our man couldn't sit still since we got here."
"Just look at him being all shy…"
Their voices were a swirling chaos, mixing with the music gushing from the speakers in the corners. All Javi could do was roll his eyes again and shake his head faintly.
"Will you shut up? Goddamnit…"
"Are we wrong, though? That's why he doesn't drink so much. Because he's got other plans."
Javi chose not to answer and neither deny nor confirm their suppositions. Obviously, they were right, Javi did was going to come over to your apartment after this, just like you and he had planned. But his friends didn't need to know that.
One might not expect it, but Javi had never in his life encountered people more keen to gossip than those three men. He would tell them more about you, of course. But everything in its time. And he definitely wanted to find a quieter moment than a bar at 10 o'clock.
"I can't believe Javier Peña is in love at last… Would you guys have ever believed it? If I told you three months ago that we would be sitting in a bar and instead of approaching a beautiful lady at the counter, Mr. Playboy would sit here with his first whiskey of the night thinking about his girlfriend? Doesn't sound right to me."
Steve chuckled softly, but Javi could see in his gaze that he wasn't actually irritated by the shift in his behavior. No… just like Derek and Tom, he seemed satisfied. Genuinely happy for Javi, which made his lips curl involuntarily.
That and… you, of course. He couldn't help it. With his friends bringing up the topic of you over and over, it wasn't difficult to get lost in all the memories in his head, the countless dates, every single angle he had ever seen of your beautiful smile, the wrinkles around your eyes when you laughed, and how you jutted your jaw forward whenever you were thinking hard. There were a million things he could tell his friends about you if the circumstances allowed. How your eyes for some reason teared up when you drank sparkling water. How you always stubbed your toe on the last step when you sprinted up the staircase. Javi had told you so many times that you should just take it slower, but somehow, he couldn't stop you from falling into your old patterns.
"He's dreaming again," Tommy suddenly said, making Javi's eyes focus on his friend wearing a broad grin. They were clearly amused by the change in him. It wasn't that Javi was a different person around you, but nowadays, his head so busy going over every single detail he had ever spotted on you and was most smitten with, he was seldom fully present.
"Sorry," Javi whispered, but didn't really sound it. He lowered his gaze to the counter, scanning the wooden lines until Steve patted his back.
"Don't be sorry. I'm proud of you, you know?" His voice was oozing sarcasm, but Javi chose to just listen to what his friend had to say.
"You're finally in love… And it suits you. You've got that glow about you, my friend."
"Glow?" Tom laughed loudly, leaning in closer as if he intended to scrutinize his expression more closely.
"Yeah. Sometimes. Like during lunch break on Wednesday."
Goddamnit, Javi already knew what Steve was talking about without him having to give him any more information.
"What happened?" Tom asked, looking between Derek and Steve.
"Right, you weren't there for it. Missed quite the party. We were all eating peacefully, going over a case when Javi got a phone call. I swear to god, he looked at the number for a second and then rushed out of the room saying that he really needed to take that. Steve and I spent ten minutes guessing who it was, and this guy was fucking convinced it couldn't be her because Javi wouldn't be that worked up about it, but when he came back, I knew I was right. Because that man's face was glowing."
Yes, Javi remembered that moment so clearly he could go back to it any time he wanted. You had called him because you had had an important business meeting that morning. After you had told him about it the day before, he had insisted on you letting him know how it had gone the second it was over, which was why he had spent most of his lunch break in the copy room, listening to you recount the meeting, which had fortunately gone very well.
As so often these days, Javi had felt his cheeks burn when he hung up the phone, which hadn't gone unnoticed by his colleagues. It was just the natural effect you had on him. The sound of your voice alone made his knees weak and the blood rush through his veins, even when you weren't even in the same room.
"Really?" Tom chuckled at that, ripping him from his thoughts. "You really have to introduce her to us, Javi. We need to know what she's like when she's got that kind of effect on you…"
"You will," he quickly assured them, drinking the last sip of his whiskey before putting the glass back down with a low thud. "You will get to know her. She's… incredible."
Steve, who always became a little more touchy when he'd had a lot to drink, put a hand on his shoulder.
"He looks like a teenage boy with his first crush, doesn't he, guys?"
Tom and Derek laughed in unison, examining Javi's clenched jaw and sweaty brow, which was evidence enough that the teasing was getting through to him.
"Not a crush, though," Derek then corrected. "That man is head over heels. Remember when we saw him daydreaming in the office with that stupid smile instead of working?"
Tom and Steve, who only now seemed to recall the moment, burst into laughter.
"Yeah, yeah… very funny," Javi growled.
"You've gotten soft, my friend. You've turned into a soft, loyal puppy. I don't know how much I like that version yet, but it was about damn time you found someone. Need to make sure you're capable of loving, don't we?"
An hour later, Javi quietly walked up the stairs of the apartment building you lived in. His keys, or rather your set of keys you had given him, since he basically stayed over every single night, were dangling at his side, his head a little languid even though he hadn't had more than one whiskey. Which had been the source of a lot of teasing.
Javi normally didn't mind a few drinks in the evening at all, especially on a Friday night. But as his friends had so astutely figured out, he didn't want to show up at your place drunk, stumbling through the door so that you would have to get him to bed like a helpless child. No, the prospect of coming home to you was motivation enough and a source of infinite happiness to keep his good mood up even while everyone around him was gradually getting more wasted. They were probably still at the bar right then, making jokes about the changes in Javi's lifestyle, how he seemed more content and at ease these days.
Some of the things Steve, Tom and Derek had said about him had actually been rather kind, things that Javi felt proud of, but at the same time, he hadn't been too sad about leaving his friends early. Well, most of his anticipation about exiting the bar had probably been tied to you, to be honest.
He slowly put the key in the lock, turning it as quietly as he could. Javi assumed you were still awake, but he couldn't be too careful, especially since you had complained about a headache earlier when he had come home after work. It had worried him enough to offer to stay in with you rather than go out with his friends, but you had insisted that he go, claiming that you would be fine with a relaxed evening on the couch and a large jug of fresh water.
"Javi… hey."
You were sitting at the kitchen table, hair loosely tied in a knot and a sudoku in front of you.
"Hi, sweetheart." He crossed the distance between the two of you in two large strides, then pressed his lips against the side of your head. "How are you? How's your head?"
"It's fine, baby. I drank so much water, I think I went to the toilet four times in the last hour, but it worked."
Releasing a soft breath, Javi pulled up a chair to sit down next to you. "Great… I was worried."
"You were?" you asked softly, lips pursed in sympathy. "No… I told you to enjoy yourself, didn't I?"
Your hand connected with his cheek, gently tracing along his shaven skin that was never fully even.
"I know. And I still had a very good time."
"Yes?"
Javi nodded. "Yeah. Even though they can't stop with the teasing."
"What teasing?" you asked, eyes wide, but he just snickered softly.
"Just the usual… You know, the stuff about me being distracted at work sometimes… Talking to you on the phone. They said I had a glow on my face on Wednesday during lunch break."
"Oh," you said, your hand dropping to rest on his thigh instead of his face.
"Yeah. I figured I should take it as a compliment. I think you should take it as a compliment," he then added, prompting you to chuckle lightly, your voice warm and soft against his skin.
"Maybe I should… They really can't stop, can they? I thought they would grow tired of teasing you about this after a week or two."
"Oh, they're persistent, baby," Javi muttered and briefly kissed you on the mouth, running a hand up and down your arm. "Today, they also said that you made me all soft. That you softened me."
"I softened you?" you repeated with raised eyebrows, a dark gleam shimmering in your eyes.
"I hope you disagree with that, Javi…" you hummed seductively, glancing at his crotch.
"Jesus, darling…" Javi muttered, only now realizing the double meaning behind his friends' comments.
"What? I would be very disappointed in myself if you agreed with that…" Your hand followed your eyes, drifting up his leg until your index finger trailed along the stitching of his jeans.
"You don't, do you?"
"No. I — don't," Javi murmured, voice threaded with a faint tremble that you might have imagined. Yes, there it was. Javi looked down his body where his cock was stirring beneath the confines of his underwear. He could both feel it and see it, which meant it hadn't gone unnoticed by you either.
"Good… I would rather like to make you harder, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Javi purred, leaning in once more to capture your mouth in a gentle, still explorative way, even though he knew the lines and curves of your lips better than he knew his own by now.
Meanwhile, the two of you had shifted to sit on the edge of your seats, minimizing the distance between your longing bodies as best as you could. But it just wasn't enough. Javi felt his cock uncomfortably rub against the tightly woven fabric of his jeans, your index finger ghosting over his crotch doing nothing to calm his breathing.
"Sweetheart…" he murmured, letting out a sharp hiss that tingled at the corner of your mouth.
And then, it wasn't enough anymore either. Javi felt frustrated sitting so far away from you, your back too far away to reach around and unclasp your bra. So he stood up abruptly, nostrils flaring as he took in the sight of you. You had that feverish glow about you, and maybe it was exactly what his friends had talked about earlier. If that was the case, it seemed to be infectious.
"Where are you going?" you breathed, sweetly sucking your bottom lip between your teeth. With a deep huff, he took a step forward, slung an arm around your back and hauled you up, pressing you close against his front as he headed for your bedroom.
"Oh, I'm taking you right with me, cariño…"
Everything about your apartment was so familiar, which was why Javi moved with such confidence, each stride willful and determined.
"You look so gorgeous, Javi."
Throaty laughter left him as he placed you in the center of the bed like he owned the room and everything inside it.
"Oh yeah? I'm flattered then…"
"I really need you inside me, Javi. Please. I… I thought about it all day."
Running a hand through his messy hair, Javi climbed onto the bed as well, the mattress sighing under his weight.
"Don't worry, hermosa, I'm gonna fill you up well… You want it right here?" Without any warning, Javi cupped your pussy, not moving or rubbing against you but just holding his hand right there while you squirmed and sighed heavily.
"Yes. Yes, there, Javi… But I would also like to suck it."
With the sole purpose of teasing you, he pretended to think about your request for a moment, lips pouty and brow furrowed. You, of course, knew that he would never deny such a proposal, which was why you quickly gripped his length through his jeans, although you weren't able to paw at him like you would have been had he worn sweatpants like you did right now.
"You're getting a little greedy now, aren't you?"
Despite his teasing, Javi didn't stop you when you moved to the edge of the bed, challengingly darting your eyes at the empty spot in the middle. How could he have possibly found the strength to do that? You were a perfect dream, the most beautiful and intoxicating person he had ever laid eyes on, and there you were asking him to let you suck his cock. It was ridiculous and unreal.
Still, Javi moved into position fast, his head swimming and his tip already leaking with precum, just a reaction to what you were about to do to him. He remembered all the times you had taken him in your mouth in vivid detail, but the most outstanding experience to date had been the very first time.
There was no use pretending to be new to any of this, in fact, Javi wasn't hesitant to admit that he had spent a good amount of his early adulthood sleeping around and exploring all sorts of things.
This had advantages and disadvantages. For instance, he knew precisely what he liked, what he didn't like, what he despised and what his guilty pleasure was. But on the other hand, when Javi was with you, he wished he could experience everything again with you for the first time. Not that it wasn't great all the same. Actually, sex and everything around it felt even more enthralling, intense and arousing since he did it with someone he was so bewitched by. Still, there was something so intimate and special about sleeping with you that made him want to relive all his first times with you. Which was applicable to the rest of his life as well.
He was lowering himself onto the bed now, spreading his legs a little so that there was enough room for you to crawl between.
"Baby, you're too good to me, you know that?" Javi whispered, his hooded eyes taking in the way you found a comfortable position between his legs, your hands settling on the waistband of his jeans.
"I like making you feel good, Javi," you answered with a playful smirk pulling at your lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yes… I like the things that you say." He drove his teeth into his bottom lip, breath hitching while he lifted his hips to help you yank down his pants.
"You like the things that I say?"
"Mhm." You nodded, eyes brightening with joy at the tent in his boxers.
"So you like it when I praise you?"
"Maybe," you grinned wickedly, one of your hands wandering up his thigh all the way from his knee. You clearly wanted to tease him just a little longer, stretch out the moment until he was going to lose a bit of his composure himself.
"Sweetheart, you're killing me here… Saying stuff like that… Touching me like that."
"Like that?" you muttered, your hand ghosting less than an inch above his clothed cock.
"Yeah, fuck — like that. I really need you to touch me, cariño. Are you gonna do that? Or are you gonna try to make me lose my fucking mind?"
His tone was more hollow now, lacking the intense depth of his usual voice. Maybe that was exactly what you had been talking about when you said you liked the things he said, how you could probably tell from the way he spoke how far you had driven him with your teasing.
"I like making you lose your mind just a little bit…" you admitted, but finally brought your hand to his hard cock, caressing it like it was much more sensitive than it actually was.
"Fuck, baby…" He drew a sharp breath through his tightly clenched teeth, one hand buried in your hair while the other pressed flat on the bed. "Is that what you wanna do tonight? Tease the shit out of me?"
You pretended to think about it, which provoked Javi to chuckle softly. "Oh yeah? You're seriously considering that? What do you want to punish me for then, mhm? Did I do something?"
Your expression shifted at that, eyes growing wider as you gripped his cock more firmly.
"No… You didn't. It's just really hot, you know? How you… look at me. Makes me feel like you want me so much."
"Oh, and I want you so much. You know that, don't you?" Javi leaned his head back against the wall, lips curling upward while he gently ran his fingers through your hair.
"Yes."
Returning the smile, you started to pull down his underwear and yanked them to his ankles with his help. His cock was hard against his abdomen, the veins standing out prominently and you involuntarily curled and uncurled your toes.
"It's so pretty, Javi," you murmured, lowering your head to the same level as his cock and darting out your tongue to lick a slow strip across his glans.
"Baby," your boyfriend huffed, his muscles coiling even though his gaze seemed to soften further. "Fuck… Your tongue's — so good."
His hand at the back of your head didn't push or hurry you but rather caressed your scalp in a way that made it all too tempting to glance up at him every now and then and devour the look he gave you. That sheer expression of his lust, his appreciation and even admiration. But since your main focus remained his cock, you kept your eyes on it for the most part, letting more and more of him slip past your lips in a manner that made Javi's eyes roll back.
"Jesus fucking Christ… Darling, you — you're so good to me. How the fuck did I deserve that, mhm?"
You brought your hand to his cock, pumping the part of his length that you couldn't reach so easily with your lips while twirling your tongue around his tip.
"You're just really good to me too, Javi. And you taste good."
"And you just want me to lose my mind… That's it, right? Fuck…" His free hand combed through his own messy hair, sweaty and tousled both from his time in the bar and the attentive work of your generous mouth.
Slowly, gradually, so that you wouldn't gag around him, you went deeper with closed eyes, your tongue flat so that his cock could slide past it. He really did taste good, a little salty, mixed with something warm and strong. And then there was his scent… Javi always smelled clean and fresh, but beneath the layers of his aftershave there was also something you couldn't quite find words for, something that you could only link to him. He just smelled like… Javier Peña. Through and through. Which was part of the reason why you loved going down on him so much. Why you loved it when your face was pressed against him and his lips whispered your name like it was a sin that shouldn't make its way out of his apartment.
"You feel so good, baby. So good, you — fuck, cariño… Can you look at me? Please."
You raised your head a little, just enough so that you wouldn't choke the second you lost your focus on your breathing, following his request instead. It definitely wasn't the most comfortable position, but you managed to lock your gaze with his, blinking a few times, determined not to let go of his dick just because he had asked to see your eyes.
"You're doing so well, sweetheart… I don't deserve you, shit… Holy shit — I don't know how you do it."
After toying with his cock for a few more minutes, focusing on his shaft and tip rather than forcing all of him down your throat, Javi tenderly pulled you off with a low groan. Spit and precum were coating his member, which was also the reason why slick, wet noises had been bouncing off the walls of his bedroom for the past few minutes. You liked it messy and therefore didn't mind the mixture of your drool and his wetness trickling down your chin or dropping onto your neck. If anything, it just made you feel like you were putting all your effort into the blow job, which was your goal at the end of the day.
"I need to make you feel good too, darling… Can I? Please, princess."
"Yes, Javi," you quickly murmured, allowing him to lift your face and kiss your lips.
"I need you, sweetheart." His motions were a lot more urgent, rushed even, as he cradled your head for a little longer, then helped you lie back. This time, neither of you even bothered to turn around on the bed so that your head could rest on the pillow, Javi just guided you down, his face hovering above yours.
"Fuck, baby, you don't know how much I want you. How much I was looking forward to coming home to you."
He knew that he sounded like he didn't give a fuck about his friends, like the cliché of a person who falls head over heels for a woman and abandons all his friends for months because he is so deeply in love, but in that moment, he didn't care. Because it was true. He had thought about you with almost no break ever since he had left the house and had to say goodbye to you.
"Can I have your fingers, Javi?" you breathed, rolling your hips up into his to grind against his hard length.
"Anything you want, hermosa… Where do you want them, mhm? Inside you? On your pretty clit?"
"Inside, please," you replied at once, making Javi believe that you had been thinking about his hands the entire time you were sucking his cock.
"Alright, baby. You're gonna get everything you want, I promise. You just gotta tell me, and you'll get it. Always."
"Always?" you giggled, hips rising while your boyfriend kissed his way down your body, pulling your shirt up for his mouth to leave a wet trace across your skin.
"Of course. Wherever you are… When I visit you at work… In a restaurant… a bar." Javi's hands were splayed across your ribcage, his lips purposefully tickling your stomach and making you jolt.
"I don't know if that's a good idea…" you whispered, your pussy clenching with excitement as Javi pulled down your sweatpants along with your underwear, wasting no more time with teasing you.
"What is?"
"You saying that…"
His large hand stroked up your thighs, gently parting them to take in the state of your cunt. "And why?"
"Because I want you often."
Javi lowered his head, though his eyes remained fixed on you. "How often?"
"Mhm… depends."
"Depends on what?"
Before you could respond, you had to get your breathing under control, which was why you drew in a deep breath, watching his tongue peek out and carefully circle your protruding bundle of nerves.
"Many things… Like what you're wearing… The things you're saying…"
Although Javi was thoroughly occupied with drawing patterns all over your pussy as though he intended to craft a painting with the quick swipes of his tongue, your words piqued his interest and his eyes found yours once again.
"What things I'm saying, baby?"
Your mouth twisted, eyes sparkling brightly. "Like… Like when you tell me about your work."
"My work?" Javi couldn't help but chuckle, effortlessly parting your pussy lips with the thumb of his right hand.
"Mhmm, yes… Sometimes. It just… sounds so hot."
He was still laughing as he slowly pushed his thumb inside your fluttering, soaked hole that was sucking him in so well Javi assumed it wasn't nearly enough to satisfy your needs yet. You needed more of him, all of him preferably.
"Well, then I guess I should tell you about my work more often, cariño," he murmured, his voice a deep vibration against your skin. "Because I like seeing you like that. S'really fucking sweet."
Driven by pure instinct, your head tilted away from him, your hair covering the side of your face where heat was rising in your cheeks. Javi couldn't be sure, though.
"Am I making you blush, cariño?" he wanted to know, pressing an open-mouthed kiss right on top of your blazing clit.
"No," you quickly lied and thrust your hips forward, beckoning Javi to push his finger further inside you.
"Good. 'Cause if you were, I'd tell you there's no reason to feel that way. Now do you want more, babygirl?"
You couldn't believe he was even asking you that, your hand flying out to grab his broad shoulder.
"Yeah. Yes, please. Please, Javi. I need more."
He was so smug and so stirred by your pleas at the same time, tempted to draw the moment out a little longer, but in the end his desire to watch your pleasure unfurl in its purest form won out, and Javi put more strength behind his motions. He worked his thumb inside you to the knuckle, let a generous amount of spit run down your pussy and sucked the little nub between his lips, hollowing his cheeks to build pressure. All of it happened so quickly that your nails scraped his shoulders, even the thin layer of his open shirt unable to keep him from feeling a sharp pain soar through him. Still, it wasn't the kind of sting that would prompt him to tell you to keep your hands to yourself… No, Javi felt proud of making you lose control like that.
"Javi…" you howled, eyes pinched shut and thighs convulsing even though he had only just started.
"I know, baby. She tastes good. And I know she's been waiting for me, hasn't she? S'why she welcomes me like that. And s'why she's so wet and warm for me. Just for me, isn't that right?"
You adored listening to Javi giving your pussy pronouns, talking about it like it was a separate part of your body with a mind and needs of its own. You didn't know what it was about it, but you were well aware of the effect it had on you.
"Yes, Javi. Just for you. Only for you, fuck —" Your shoulders rolled, shoulder blades lifting off the mattress, hands travelling up to his dark hair, which you lightly tugged on. Once Javi decided it was about time to give you more of his fingers, he pulled his thumb out and instead fed you his middle and ring finger, both so long they reached far deeper inside you than his thumb had.
You nearly choked on your own spit, tension rippling through your spine like tiny shock waves, though you associated them with something good and pleasurable.
"Yeah, you're really fucking warm and tight for me right there, mhm? All that for me?"
"Yes, Javi. All that for you, please, fuck —"
You didn't even know what you wanted. Hell, how were you supposed to figure it out with his fingers seizing all your attention like a black hole every time you tried to coherently sort your thoughts?
But your boyfriend seemed to understand you regardless, or at least it felt like he was really hitting an aching spot when he slid his tongue over the underside of your clit. Yes, he was hitting all the right spots with that. His fingers were tapping against the spongy patch within your walls, which you rarely even found on your own, whereas Javi never let a single session go by without that little area getting its treat. "Like it deserves it," your boyfriend used to say.
Meanwhile, his tongue was taking care of your clit, which seemed to be in flames, your nerve endings on high alert. You wished he would quench your desires, finish what he had started and put out the fire scorching across your pearl, but at the same time you wished he were inside you with his cock rather than his fingers. Sure, you loved to squeeze around them, to feel them move and stretch your walls, but there was always something entirely different about Javi putting his cock inside you. The intimacy, the closeness of it all was probably what was most alluring to you.
"Javi…" you whined, voice higher than when you normally talked to him. You squirmed on the bed with your thighs pressing against either side of his head, your hips bucking in search of something you couldn't quite describe.
"I know, baby. I'm gonna make you feel so good. So good that this pussy's gonna soak my face. She's so wet, sweetheart, so fucking perfect for me… You feel that?"
Javi slowly drew his fingers back, proving to you that your cunt couldn't be called wet but downright drenched. Slurping noises rose from your center, so unambiguous and filthy that you might have felt embarrassed about it. But not with Javi. Not with a man who always worshipped your body's reaction to him and showed his adoration in the same way that he savored every last one of your moans and whimpers.
"I want you to — fuck me, Javi," you stammered, his lips closing around your clit and dragging his heavy tongue along the outline. It was staggering, so perfect that it took a lot of willpower to make peace with the fact that he was about to comply with your request and pull away, but you longed for his thick cock inside you too much to wait for your first orgasm of the night.
Javi loved to make you cum at least once before he buried himself inside you, but tonight your need to feel him was especially strong. You wanted to feel every inch of him on top of you, be able to tangle your fingers with his and drape your legs around his hips. And that was only possible with him lying on top of you, fucking you into the bed.
"You want me to fuck you, sweetheart? Now?"
"Yes," you whimpered and spread your legs wider. Javi didn't need any more than that. He hadn't been lying when he said he would give you anything you wanted, which also included stopping his tongue play on your cunt earlier than he had anticipated.
Panting heavily, Javi left his space between your legs, though he rubbed your clit one last time with the pad of his thumb. Then he crawled toward your bedside table and opened the top drawer with a confidence that suggested he knew his way around your apartment effortlessly. There they were. Condoms that fitted him perfectly.
"Really, Javi…?" you muttered through pursed lips, feet planted flat on the bed, your hand busy tucking your hair behind your ears.
"Yes, cariño. C'mon, don't give me those eyes."
He should have known that he had made a mistake the first time he had fucked you raw. Okay, it had happened more than once, but definitely no more than three or four times. Obviously, Javi had regretted it within minutes, but you had shown a particular fondness for feeling him without a condom every single time.
And to avoid the fear of getting pregnant, you had taken the morning-after pill, which had relieved Javi even though he wasn't keen on watching you go down that path just because it was convenient and allowed you that special connection during sex. Condoms were safer, and Javi knew that, goddamnit. At times, it was just very difficult to deny you anything at all. Tonight, he would remain unwavering, though.
"Just this once. Please," you begged, putting even more hunger and yearning into your eyes, though Javi quickly averted his gaze so that he wouldn't feel too tempted by your dangerous request.
"Baby, you gotta stop… I'm gonna make it good, I promise. You trust me, right?"
"Yes," you whined, glancing down at his cock, which was throbbing in his firm grip.
"Okay… Then just relax. And enjoy it."
Javi was quick to tear the small package open, fumbling with the plastic and dropping it onto the nightstand. Then his eyes connected with yours again, skimming past the yearning in your gaze with a faint stumble of his heart.
"I'm gonna make it good, cariño… Gonna do all the work… Just need my princess to enjoy it and keep her eyes on me."
You couldn't help but chuckle softly, which relieved Javi, who had feared that refusing to fuck you raw would set off your pouting.
"I can do the work too," you insisted, reaching for his hard, throbbing cock, but Javi shook his head with a glossy twinkle in his eyes.
"I know you can… But tonight I just want you to lie back and relax. Okay?" Javi lovingly placed his palm on your cheek, thumb stretching out to brush against your cheekbone.
"Okay…"
He didn't need to hear more than that. Running his hand up and down your thigh, Javi single-handedly rolled the condom over his cock and stroked himself a couple of times. Of course, he would have liked to forgo the condom as well, but he already knew that he would feel guilty afterwards when the two of you had to rush to the pharmacy in the morning for the morning-after pill.
His left hand guided his tip through your slit, smearing your wetness all over your folds to make a mess he would be happy to clean up later.
"Javi," you whimpered as his cock nudged your sensitive bud, your legs spreading a little wider as though reminding him where your hole was.
"You want me to put it in?" he murmured, leaning down with his entire weight, knowing well how much you adored feeling as much of him as you physically could.
"Yes. Yes, Javi, please."
Your chests were flush against each other, not just sweat connecting your bodies but your heat as well. Everything was in sync, your heavy breathing, your heartbeat, probably even your temperatures.
"Put it in," you demanded once more, then drew a slow breath when you felt his heavy tip nudge against your hole. As always, Javi pressed his thumb into your clit while he worked his cock inside your cunt, giving you something to cling to and focus on while your walls stretched to accommodate him. Besides, he swore he always felt you loosen up a little more whenever his finger provided extra stimulation.
"Oh my god," you hummed, sliding your hands over the toned muscles of his arms and shoulders before planting them on his back. You pushed gently against him, communicating that you wanted to minimize the distance between the two of you without using your words. And just like you had hoped, Javi understood despite your inability to speak.
"Baby, you feel like a fucking dream. Look at me, cariño, please."
It wasn't easy to keep your eyes focused on one spot as your pupils tended to uncontrollably flick to the sides whenever he was stretching your walls like that. Still, you tried your very best for him.
"Javi, oh my god, oh my god," you whimpered quietly, feeling his chest cage you beneath him in the most exciting way possible.
"That's it, sweetheart. That's it… You like it? You like it when I go in slowly like that?"
He wasn't even halfway inside you even though you were more than ready to take him in one go.
"Yes," you breathed, your legs wrapping around his hips tightly.
You were holding onto him like a monkey, like you weren't planning to let him go any time soon. Pulse thundering behind your temples, you hid your face in the crook of his neck while Javi disappeared inside you painfully slowly, taking his time with every single inch. Of course, his touch on your bundle of nerves hadn't stopped and he still rubbed fast circles over your skin, which caused your lids to flutter and your pussy to drench his girthy cock.
You didn't know how Javi managed to squeeze his hand between your bodies, which were pressed so closely together that you had been certain not even a sheet of paper would fit between you. Still, he somehow found a way.
"Just a little bit more…" Javi hummed against your earlobe, pinching your clit between thumb and index finger. "Fuck… You're squeezing me so tightly. Just need you to look at me. Need to see how — good you're feeling."
That was something you could comply with. You didn't struggle for a second to convey your love for his actions and didn't shy away from moaning his name softly, working it between your teeth like a reverent prayer or a holy exclamation.
"Javi… Javi, please —" You took a deep breath, which didn't help. You felt too hot and short of breath, your body deliciously confined in the best way you could imagine. Buried beneath the man you needed so badly, held in place by his strong arms.
At last, he was fully sheathed inside you, his cock hitting all the right spots from within. Now that he was entirely buried in your warmth, he couldn't hold back any longer and quickly started to move in a steady rhythm. You weren't new to his technique, his long, intense, still quite slow thrusts that seemed to press you a little deeper into the bed with each one.
"Oh my god," was all you could breathe, your eyes on him as requested, though a thick veil hung over your sight.
"I know, baby. Feels good, doesn't it? I can feel you clench so hard around me. S'a lot for your pretty pussy, isn't it?"
You nodded softly, hazy eyes gazing back up at him.
"Too much?" Javi searched your face suspiciously at the faint shake of your head. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Need to hear you say it."
"No. S'not too much. It's good like that."
His hand gently slapping your clit wasn't really a reward, yet it felt like one.
"Deeper, Javi… please. Please, I need — more."
This time, it was Javi nuzzling your neck with his lips, kissing along your pulse point and hungrily inhaling your scent.
"Deeper? I can't go any deeper, hermosa. I'm already all the way inside you… She won't let me, you know?" To give you something different all the same, Javi swirled his finger around your clit with more force, smiling contentedly as you softly cried out his name.
"Javi… Javi, oh my god. I'm gonna cum."
It was no surprise that you were so close, considering he had already spent some time between your legs warming you up. It wouldn't take him much longer either, even though part of him just didn't want to let go yet, wanting to feel you a little longer.
"Jesus… You're so fucking warm, babygirl. So wet 'n' warm. Just made for me alone, mhm? I want you to cum for me and I want you to let it all go. Don't hold back."
He tucked your hair behind your ears, which didn't align with the powerful, sharp thrusts he delivered at all. They weren't painful or brutal, of course, but rather made you believe that Javi wanted to make sure you felt him. Preferably for days after. Each one was pointed and precise, driving into you with so much force you shuddered when he slammed back. Occasionally, Javi even broke the rhythm just to make his thrusts a little more surprising, drawing out a few more of those squeals from you. With success, obviously.
"You're so —" you mumbled, teeth dragging over your tongue to release the tension building in your body.
"I'm what?" Javi grinned, knowing that whatever words had formed in your head would amuse him.
"Good. Fuck… so good."
"That's my girl… You know what it does to my cock, don't you? Hearing you talk like that." Javi glanced down meaningfully, though you couldn't see a thing with your heavy, swimming head comfortably resting on a pillow.
"No. What?" you innocently asked, toying with the hair at his temples as your hooded eyes took in each of his lustful glances down your body, your jiggling tits, the thin layer of sweat covering your cleavage.
"Makes it really fucking hard… And proud." Javi purposefully drew his hips back before snapping them forward harshly, fully filling your spent pussy.
"Oh my god," you panted, unable even to tease him further about the effect of your words on his cock.
"Makes me wanna give it to you all night… Just playing with that sweet pussy for hours while she cums for me over and over again… So often that she forgets which one was coaxed out of her by my fingers, which one by my tongue and which by my cock… Makes me wanna give it to her really good, hermosa."
Javi lazily dragged his thumb around your bundle of nerves, throat vibrating with laughter at the way you jolted and jerked underneath him.
"C'mere, cariño…" Javi placed wet kisses along your jawline, all the way around your face until he landed one on your lips. "I want you to cum for me. Want you to give it all to me, baby, fuck… Need to — watch it. How you lose it."
His face was flushed and gleaming with sweat, drops falling from his brow onto your cheeks, but neither of you could have cared less. You were both on the verge of exploding, so much pressure and tension built up in your bodies that Javi felt like the condom wouldn't catch his entire load.
Meanwhile, your hands were still pulling at his hair, using a little more force every time he hit a particularly good spot or touched your clit right at its most sensitive point.
"Cum for me, baby. C'mon, sweetheart," he whispered at the exact moment his cock was buried all the way inside you, the rough skin of his thumb pressing directly onto your nub.
It was all you needed. His exhausted voice, his torso trapping you beneath him. Your head spun like a carousel, and the next thing you knew you were orgasming around Javi's cock, clenching around him ten times harder than before. He followed at once and spilled into the condom, his entire body quivering and shuddering.
His head dropped while you greedily let air fill your lungs, the muscles in your stomach convulsing.
"Oh my god," you murmured like a religious mantra, a single tear escaping from your lower lashes, which Javi quickly wiped from your face. "Javi… I — shit."
"I know, cariño… I got you. I got you, always. Just look at you cumming like that… S'fucking perfect. You're perfect."
There was a lot of vulnerability resonating in his voice, but since you were hovering in a similar dreamy state, you met his tenderness precisely, bringing your hands up to the back of his neck.
"Don't leave," you whispered, caressing his shoulder blades and closing your eyes.
"Where would I go, baby, mhm?"
"You could go home. But I want you to stay."
"I want to stay too…" he muttered through clenched teeth, flexing his jaw as he glided a hand from your hip up to your ribcage.
Javi stayed.
And he didn't just stay, he also fucked you again and again, like he had wished for earlier. First with his tongue, since his cock needed a little time to recover. Javi knelt between your legs and kissed his way down your body, which drew a fresh layer of sweat across your thighs and raised goosebumps along your forearms.
He made out with your clit slowly and passionately, like an ardent kiss shared between two lovers. After your third high of the night, you were crying softly, causing Javi to crawl up to you and scoop you into his arms. Your chin resting on his shoulder, he brought his lips to your ear, nibbling at your skin and speaking quietly.
"Can I give you more, baby? I just can't fucking stop. You taste so good and I need to see it again. Need to hear you say my name when you cum. You say it like you're mine. Like you're trying to tell me that you belong to me and that I'm the only one who gets to touch that pretty pussy."
You wanted to tell him that it was the truth, and that you only ever wanted him to be so close to you, but the words caught in your throat. All you could do was nod and whine his name once more while Javi crawled back down your body.
"Never gonna be done with her, hermosa… Never gonna be done telling her how perfect she is," Javi murmured the instant before he dove back in.
After making you cum again, this time keeping his tongue inside you throughout your high, he fucked you one more time with his cock. He had had great plans to coax a fifth one out of you, but about halfway through you had pressed a hand over your mouth, whimpering that you were too sensitive, which he had respected without a second thought. So it was just him spurting into the condom while hissing curses through his gritted teeth, mostly followed by high praise for you, how well you always took him, how addicted he was to your cunt, how perfect you felt. Better than anything else he had ever experienced.
"Jesus Christ… You're gonna be the fucking death of me, hermosa, shit… Fuck, yeah, like that… Don't move, baby, yes… Just stay like that, goddamnit…"
Then it was over.
Javi pulled out of you carefully, aware that after four releases, you would shriek at the slightest contact against your raw skin. A much darker, more twisted part of him found delight and rotten pleasure in the idea of his cock turning you into such a mess. You had willingly let him bruise your insides, had allowed him to push his fingers or tongue back inside you again and again just because you were so intoxicated by the feeling of him.
"You make it really hard to stop, baby," Javi chuckled, lying down next to you and offering you his hand, which you eagerly took.
"How late is it?" you whispered.
"I don't wanna know…"
"Why?" you asked, turning your head to glance at his profile. "We can sleep in tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah… we can. But still. I think it's really late."
Chest rising and falling steadily, you kissed the knuckles of his hand. "I'm feeling very sleepy, Javi…"
"That's okay, cariño… I put you through a lot today. Are you feeling good? Everything okay?"
You nodded with a faint smile lingering on your lips. "Yeah. Very good."
"Your pussy too?"
Your grin broadened as you felt Javi's fingertips ghost over your thigh, drifting toward your center.
"Yeah… But I really can't go another round."
"I know," he admitted, jutting his jaw forward. "You're just… really addictive. All of you. Makes it hard not to touch you all the time…"
"Well, we've got all the time in the world tomorrow…" you murmured, knowing well how much your boyfriend adored lazy morning sex when neither of you were really awake but highly sensitive to each other's touch.
He had barely even stopped touching you, yet Javi was already excited by the idea of waking you up with his mouth. Perhaps you would still be wet from the night before. Or maybe his proximity, his cock pressed against your backside, would make you dream filthy things that would turn you on in your sleep, resulting in drenched panties when you woke up.
Before Javi's thoughts could wander too far, he quickly kissed the top of your head.
"I can't wait for it. I'm gonna be all yours."
You smiled, then tilted your face so that his next kiss landed on your lips.
"I love you, baby."
Those four words had been as quiet as all the others, yet they carried a different feeling. A different weight, a different emotion ringing in his tone. There was longing and desire mixed with curiosity and fear. Fear that you wouldn't say it back. Now more than ever, Javi became aware that he had never said it quite like this before. He had spoken about being in love with you, told you how wonderful and perfect you were, but saying it to your face like that? It was a first. And hell, it was a little scary.
"I love you too, Javi. I love you so much."
Tears welled in your eyes, your bottom lip quivering as you pushed your face against his neck. A wave of relief coursed through him, flooding from the top of his head down to his little toe. It was ridiculous to feel so afraid of you not reciprocating his love after everything you two had just done, but Javi couldn't help it.
He wasn't half as confident with you as he usually was. Not in a bad way, though. It wasn't like you drained his self-assurance, but he just felt so much shyer and more afraid of doing something wrong whenever he was around you.
Maybe that was what his friends had talked about in the bar. They weren't blind to the way you had fundamentally changed something within him. Something that Javi couldn't quite grasp, but he knew that he liked it. He liked this version of himself, the one who was capable of allowing himself to feel things he had been reluctant to admit before. He liked what you did to him, how he acted in your presence.
"Just stay, baby. I just want you to stay," you whispered, his and your limbs a tangled sprawl across the bed.
"I will stay, cariño. For as long as you want me to. God… I love you."
Javi shows you how much he loves you after a visit in the bar with his friends who couldn't stop teasing him about his new-found love...
Contains: smut, p in v sex, oral sex (m & f receiving), fingering, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, praise kink, dirty talk, use of pet names, light possessiveness, condom use, brief mention of morning-after pill, soft!Javi, teasing, crying during sex (from pleasure), fluff, domesticity, Javier is obsessed with you, "i love you" for the first time, yearning, soft ending, vulnerability, established relationship
Wordcount: 8,957
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Javi took a small sip from his whiskey, feeling the alcohol burn against his throat as he swallowed it.
"Seriously?" Steve barked, gripping his shoulders tightly, his behavior noticeably altered by the alcohol he had consumed so far. Which was a lot more than Javi had.
"You're still at your first drink, Javi? Jesus… You're in a bad mood?"
Derek and Tom, two more friends from work, exchanged knowing glances, then leaned forward.
"He's not in a bad mood, Steve. You know that. But he's got a place to be. Just watch this motherfucker leave the bar at 11 to go home to his lady," Derek laughed.
Javi rolled his eyes, though he didn't deny their accusations right away.
"Right…" Steve snorted, emptying his glass in one go. "The mystery lady. How is she? You're gonna go to her after this?"
"Of course he is. Our man couldn't sit still since we got here."
"Just look at him being all shy…"
Their voices were a swirling chaos, mixing with the music gushing from the speakers in the corners. All Javi could do was roll his eyes again and shake his head faintly.
"Will you shut up? Goddamnit…"
"Are we wrong, though? That's why he doesn't drink so much. Because he's got other plans."
Javi chose not to answer and neither deny nor confirm their suppositions. Obviously, they were right, Javi did was going to come over to your apartment after this, just like you and he had planned. But his friends didn't need to know that.
One might not expect it, but Javi had never in his life encountered people more keen to gossip than those three men. He would tell them more about you, of course. But everything in its time. And he definitely wanted to find a quieter moment than a bar at 10 o'clock.
"I can't believe Javier Peña is in love at last… Would you guys have ever believed it? If I told you three months ago that we would be sitting in a bar and instead of approaching a beautiful lady at the counter, Mr. Playboy would sit here with his first whiskey of the night thinking about his girlfriend? Doesn't sound right to me."
Steve chuckled softly, but Javi could see in his gaze that he wasn't actually irritated by the shift in his behavior. No… just like Derek and Tom, he seemed satisfied. Genuinely happy for Javi, which made his lips curl involuntarily.
That and… you, of course. He couldn't help it. With his friends bringing up the topic of you over and over, it wasn't difficult to get lost in all the memories in his head, the countless dates, every single angle he had ever seen of your beautiful smile, the wrinkles around your eyes when you laughed, and how you jutted your jaw forward whenever you were thinking hard. There were a million things he could tell his friends about you if the circumstances allowed. How your eyes for some reason teared up when you drank sparkling water. How you always stubbed your toe on the last step when you sprinted up the staircase. Javi had told you so many times that you should just take it slower, but somehow, he couldn't stop you from falling into your old patterns.
"He's dreaming again," Tommy suddenly said, making Javi's eyes focus on his friend wearing a broad grin. They were clearly amused by the change in him. It wasn't that Javi was a different person around you, but nowadays, his head so busy going over every single detail he had ever spotted on you and was most smitten with, he was seldom fully present.
"Sorry," Javi whispered, but didn't really sound it. He lowered his gaze to the counter, scanning the wooden lines until Steve patted his back.
"Don't be sorry. I'm proud of you, you know?" His voice was oozing sarcasm, but Javi chose to just listen to what his friend had to say.
"You're finally in love… And it suits you. You've got that glow about you, my friend."
"Glow?" Tom laughed loudly, leaning in closer as if he intended to scrutinize his expression more closely.
"Yeah. Sometimes. Like during lunch break on Wednesday."
Goddamnit, Javi already knew what Steve was talking about without him having to give him any more information.
"What happened?" Tom asked, looking between Derek and Steve.
"Right, you weren't there for it. Missed quite the party. We were all eating peacefully, going over a case when Javi got a phone call. I swear to god, he looked at the number for a second and then rushed out of the room saying that he really needed to take that. Steve and I spent ten minutes guessing who it was, and this guy was fucking convinced it couldn't be her because Javi wouldn't be that worked up about it, but when he came back, I knew I was right. Because that man's face was glowing."
Yes, Javi remembered that moment so clearly he could go back to it any time he wanted. You had called him because you had had an important business meeting that morning. After you had told him about it the day before, he had insisted on you letting him know how it had gone the second it was over, which was why he had spent most of his lunch break in the copy room, listening to you recount the meeting, which had fortunately gone very well.
As so often these days, Javi had felt his cheeks burn when he hung up the phone, which hadn't gone unnoticed by his colleagues. It was just the natural effect you had on him. The sound of your voice alone made his knees weak and the blood rush through his veins, even when you weren't even in the same room.
"Really?" Tom chuckled at that, ripping him from his thoughts. "You really have to introduce her to us, Javi. We need to know what she's like when she's got that kind of effect on you…"
"You will," he quickly assured them, drinking the last sip of his whiskey before putting the glass back down with a low thud. "You will get to know her. She's… incredible."
Steve, who always became a little more touchy when he'd had a lot to drink, put a hand on his shoulder.
"He looks like a teenage boy with his first crush, doesn't he, guys?"
Tom and Derek laughed in unison, examining Javi's clenched jaw and sweaty brow, which was evidence enough that the teasing was getting through to him.
"Not a crush, though," Derek then corrected. "That man is head over heels. Remember when we saw him daydreaming in the office with that stupid smile instead of working?"
Tom and Steve, who only now seemed to recall the moment, burst into laughter.
"Yeah, yeah… very funny," Javi growled.
"You've gotten soft, my friend. You've turned into a soft, loyal puppy. I don't know how much I like that version yet, but it was about damn time you found someone. Need to make sure you're capable of loving, don't we?"
An hour later, Javi quietly walked up the stairs of the apartment building you lived in. His keys, or rather your set of keys you had given him, since he basically stayed over every single night, were dangling at his side, his head a little languid even though he hadn't had more than one whiskey. Which had been the source of a lot of teasing.
Javi normally didn't mind a few drinks in the evening at all, especially on a Friday night. But as his friends had so astutely figured out, he didn't want to show up at your place drunk, stumbling through the door so that you would have to get him to bed like a helpless child. No, the prospect of coming home to you was motivation enough and a source of infinite happiness to keep his good mood up even while everyone around him was gradually getting more wasted. They were probably still at the bar right then, making jokes about the changes in Javi's lifestyle, how he seemed more content and at ease these days.
Some of the things Steve, Tom and Derek had said about him had actually been rather kind, things that Javi felt proud of, but at the same time, he hadn't been too sad about leaving his friends early. Well, most of his anticipation about exiting the bar had probably been tied to you, to be honest.
He slowly put the key in the lock, turning it as quietly as he could. Javi assumed you were still awake, but he couldn't be too careful, especially since you had complained about a headache earlier when he had come home after work. It had worried him enough to offer to stay in with you rather than go out with his friends, but you had insisted that he go, claiming that you would be fine with a relaxed evening on the couch and a large jug of fresh water.
"Javi… hey."
You were sitting at the kitchen table, hair loosely tied in a knot and a sudoku in front of you.
"Hi, sweetheart." He crossed the distance between the two of you in two large strides, then pressed his lips against the side of your head. "How are you? How's your head?"
"It's fine, baby. I drank so much water, I think I went to the toilet four times in the last hour, but it worked."
Releasing a soft breath, Javi pulled up a chair to sit down next to you. "Great… I was worried."
"You were?" you asked softly, lips pursed in sympathy. "No… I told you to enjoy yourself, didn't I?"
Your hand connected with his cheek, gently tracing along his shaven skin that was never fully even.
"I know. And I still had a very good time."
"Yes?"
Javi nodded. "Yeah. Even though they can't stop with the teasing."
"What teasing?" you asked, eyes wide, but he just snickered softly.
"Just the usual… You know, the stuff about me being distracted at work sometimes… Talking to you on the phone. They said I had a glow on my face on Wednesday during lunch break."
"Oh," you said, your hand dropping to rest on his thigh instead of his face.
"Yeah. I figured I should take it as a compliment. I think you should take it as a compliment," he then added, prompting you to chuckle lightly, your voice warm and soft against his skin.
"Maybe I should… They really can't stop, can they? I thought they would grow tired of teasing you about this after a week or two."
"Oh, they're persistent, baby," Javi muttered and briefly kissed you on the mouth, running a hand up and down your arm. "Today, they also said that you made me all soft. That you softened me."
"I softened you?" you repeated with raised eyebrows, a dark gleam shimmering in your eyes.
"I hope you disagree with that, Javi…" you hummed seductively, glancing at his crotch.
"Jesus, darling…" Javi muttered, only now realizing the double meaning behind his friends' comments.
"What? I would be very disappointed in myself if you agreed with that…" Your hand followed your eyes, drifting up his leg until your index finger trailed along the stitching of his jeans.
"You don't, do you?"
"No. I — don't," Javi murmured, voice threaded with a faint tremble that you might have imagined. Yes, there it was. Javi looked down his body where his cock was stirring beneath the confines of his underwear. He could both feel it and see it, which meant it hadn't gone unnoticed by you either.
"Good… I would rather like to make you harder, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Javi purred, leaning in once more to capture your mouth in a gentle, still explorative way, even though he knew the lines and curves of your lips better than he knew his own by now.
Meanwhile, the two of you had shifted to sit on the edge of your seats, minimizing the distance between your longing bodies as best as you could. But it just wasn't enough. Javi felt his cock uncomfortably rub against the tightly woven fabric of his jeans, your index finger ghosting over his crotch doing nothing to calm his breathing.
"Sweetheart…" he murmured, letting out a sharp hiss that tingled at the corner of your mouth.
And then, it wasn't enough anymore either. Javi felt frustrated sitting so far away from you, your back too far away to reach around and unclasp your bra. So he stood up abruptly, nostrils flaring as he took in the sight of you. You had that feverish glow about you, and maybe it was exactly what his friends had talked about earlier. If that was the case, it seemed to be infectious.
"Where are you going?" you breathed, sweetly sucking your bottom lip between your teeth. With a deep huff, he took a step forward, slung an arm around your back and hauled you up, pressing you close against his front as he headed for your bedroom.
"Oh, I'm taking you right with me, cariño…"
Everything about your apartment was so familiar, which was why Javi moved with such confidence, each stride willful and determined.
"You look so gorgeous, Javi."
Throaty laughter left him as he placed you in the center of the bed like he owned the room and everything inside it.
"Oh yeah? I'm flattered then…"
"I really need you inside me, Javi. Please. I… I thought about it all day."
Running a hand through his messy hair, Javi climbed onto the bed as well, the mattress sighing under his weight.
"Don't worry, hermosa, I'm gonna fill you up well… You want it right here?" Without any warning, Javi cupped your pussy, not moving or rubbing against you but just holding his hand right there while you squirmed and sighed heavily.
"Yes. Yes, there, Javi… But I would also like to suck it."
With the sole purpose of teasing you, he pretended to think about your request for a moment, lips pouty and brow furrowed. You, of course, knew that he would never deny such a proposal, which was why you quickly gripped his length through his jeans, although you weren't able to paw at him like you would have been had he worn sweatpants like you did right now.
"You're getting a little greedy now, aren't you?"
Despite his teasing, Javi didn't stop you when you moved to the edge of the bed, challengingly darting your eyes at the empty spot in the middle. How could he have possibly found the strength to do that? You were a perfect dream, the most beautiful and intoxicating person he had ever laid eyes on, and there you were asking him to let you suck his cock. It was ridiculous and unreal.
Still, Javi moved into position fast, his head swimming and his tip already leaking with precum, just a reaction to what you were about to do to him. He remembered all the times you had taken him in your mouth in vivid detail, but the most outstanding experience to date had been the very first time.
There was no use pretending to be new to any of this, in fact, Javi wasn't hesitant to admit that he had spent a good amount of his early adulthood sleeping around and exploring all sorts of things.
This had advantages and disadvantages. For instance, he knew precisely what he liked, what he didn't like, what he despised and what his guilty pleasure was. But on the other hand, when Javi was with you, he wished he could experience everything again with you for the first time. Not that it wasn't great all the same. Actually, sex and everything around it felt even more enthralling, intense and arousing since he did it with someone he was so bewitched by. Still, there was something so intimate and special about sleeping with you that made him want to relive all his first times with you. Which was applicable to the rest of his life as well.
He was lowering himself onto the bed now, spreading his legs a little so that there was enough room for you to crawl between.
"Baby, you're too good to me, you know that?" Javi whispered, his hooded eyes taking in the way you found a comfortable position between his legs, your hands settling on the waistband of his jeans.
"I like making you feel good, Javi," you answered with a playful smirk pulling at your lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yes… I like the things that you say." He drove his teeth into his bottom lip, breath hitching while he lifted his hips to help you yank down his pants.
"You like the things that I say?"
"Mhm." You nodded, eyes brightening with joy at the tent in his boxers.
"So you like it when I praise you?"
"Maybe," you grinned wickedly, one of your hands wandering up his thigh all the way from his knee. You clearly wanted to tease him just a little longer, stretch out the moment until he was going to lose a bit of his composure himself.
"Sweetheart, you're killing me here… Saying stuff like that… Touching me like that."
"Like that?" you muttered, your hand ghosting less than an inch above his clothed cock.
"Yeah, fuck — like that. I really need you to touch me, cariño. Are you gonna do that? Or are you gonna try to make me lose my fucking mind?"
His tone was more hollow now, lacking the intense depth of his usual voice. Maybe that was exactly what you had been talking about when you said you liked the things he said, how you could probably tell from the way he spoke how far you had driven him with your teasing.
"I like making you lose your mind just a little bit…" you admitted, but finally brought your hand to his hard cock, caressing it like it was much more sensitive than it actually was.
"Fuck, baby…" He drew a sharp breath through his tightly clenched teeth, one hand buried in your hair while the other pressed flat on the bed. "Is that what you wanna do tonight? Tease the shit out of me?"
You pretended to think about it, which provoked Javi to chuckle softly. "Oh yeah? You're seriously considering that? What do you want to punish me for then, mhm? Did I do something?"
Your expression shifted at that, eyes growing wider as you gripped his cock more firmly.
"No… You didn't. It's just really hot, you know? How you… look at me. Makes me feel like you want me so much."
"Oh, and I want you so much. You know that, don't you?" Javi leaned his head back against the wall, lips curling upward while he gently ran his fingers through your hair.
"Yes."
Returning the smile, you started to pull down his underwear and yanked them to his ankles with his help. His cock was hard against his abdomen, the veins standing out prominently and you involuntarily curled and uncurled your toes.
"It's so pretty, Javi," you murmured, lowering your head to the same level as his cock and darting out your tongue to lick a slow strip across his glans.
"Baby," your boyfriend huffed, his muscles coiling even though his gaze seemed to soften further. "Fuck… Your tongue's — so good."
His hand at the back of your head didn't push or hurry you but rather caressed your scalp in a way that made it all too tempting to glance up at him every now and then and devour the look he gave you. That sheer expression of his lust, his appreciation and even admiration. But since your main focus remained his cock, you kept your eyes on it for the most part, letting more and more of him slip past your lips in a manner that made Javi's eyes roll back.
"Jesus fucking Christ… Darling, you — you're so good to me. How the fuck did I deserve that, mhm?"
You brought your hand to his cock, pumping the part of his length that you couldn't reach so easily with your lips while twirling your tongue around his tip.
"You're just really good to me too, Javi. And you taste good."
"And you just want me to lose my mind… That's it, right? Fuck…" His free hand combed through his own messy hair, sweaty and tousled both from his time in the bar and the attentive work of your generous mouth.
Slowly, gradually, so that you wouldn't gag around him, you went deeper with closed eyes, your tongue flat so that his cock could slide past it. He really did taste good, a little salty, mixed with something warm and strong. And then there was his scent… Javi always smelled clean and fresh, but beneath the layers of his aftershave there was also something you couldn't quite find words for, something that you could only link to him. He just smelled like… Javier Peña. Through and through. Which was part of the reason why you loved going down on him so much. Why you loved it when your face was pressed against him and his lips whispered your name like it was a sin that shouldn't make its way out of his apartment.
"You feel so good, baby. So good, you — fuck, cariño… Can you look at me? Please."
You raised your head a little, just enough so that you wouldn't choke the second you lost your focus on your breathing, following his request instead. It definitely wasn't the most comfortable position, but you managed to lock your gaze with his, blinking a few times, determined not to let go of his dick just because he had asked to see your eyes.
"You're doing so well, sweetheart… I don't deserve you, shit… Holy shit — I don't know how you do it."
After toying with his cock for a few more minutes, focusing on his shaft and tip rather than forcing all of him down your throat, Javi tenderly pulled you off with a low groan. Spit and precum were coating his member, which was also the reason why slick, wet noises had been bouncing off the walls of his bedroom for the past few minutes. You liked it messy and therefore didn't mind the mixture of your drool and his wetness trickling down your chin or dropping onto your neck. If anything, it just made you feel like you were putting all your effort into the blow job, which was your goal at the end of the day.
"I need to make you feel good too, darling… Can I? Please, princess."
"Yes, Javi," you quickly murmured, allowing him to lift your face and kiss your lips.
"I need you, sweetheart." His motions were a lot more urgent, rushed even, as he cradled your head for a little longer, then helped you lie back. This time, neither of you even bothered to turn around on the bed so that your head could rest on the pillow, Javi just guided you down, his face hovering above yours.
"Fuck, baby, you don't know how much I want you. How much I was looking forward to coming home to you."
He knew that he sounded like he didn't give a fuck about his friends, like the cliché of a person who falls head over heels for a woman and abandons all his friends for months because he is so deeply in love, but in that moment, he didn't care. Because it was true. He had thought about you with almost no break ever since he had left the house and had to say goodbye to you.
"Can I have your fingers, Javi?" you breathed, rolling your hips up into his to grind against his hard length.
"Anything you want, hermosa… Where do you want them, mhm? Inside you? On your pretty clit?"
"Inside, please," you replied at once, making Javi believe that you had been thinking about his hands the entire time you were sucking his cock.
"Alright, baby. You're gonna get everything you want, I promise. You just gotta tell me, and you'll get it. Always."
"Always?" you giggled, hips rising while your boyfriend kissed his way down your body, pulling your shirt up for his mouth to leave a wet trace across your skin.
"Of course. Wherever you are… When I visit you at work… In a restaurant… a bar." Javi's hands were splayed across your ribcage, his lips purposefully tickling your stomach and making you jolt.
"I don't know if that's a good idea…" you whispered, your pussy clenching with excitement as Javi pulled down your sweatpants along with your underwear, wasting no more time with teasing you.
"What is?"
"You saying that…"
His large hand stroked up your thighs, gently parting them to take in the state of your cunt. "And why?"
"Because I want you often."
Javi lowered his head, though his eyes remained fixed on you. "How often?"
"Mhm… depends."
"Depends on what?"
Before you could respond, you had to get your breathing under control, which was why you drew in a deep breath, watching his tongue peek out and carefully circle your protruding bundle of nerves.
"Many things… Like what you're wearing… The things you're saying…"
Although Javi was thoroughly occupied with drawing patterns all over your pussy as though he intended to craft a painting with the quick swipes of his tongue, your words piqued his interest and his eyes found yours once again.
"What things I'm saying, baby?"
Your mouth twisted, eyes sparkling brightly. "Like… Like when you tell me about your work."
"My work?" Javi couldn't help but chuckle, effortlessly parting your pussy lips with the thumb of his right hand.
"Mhmm, yes… Sometimes. It just… sounds so hot."
He was still laughing as he slowly pushed his thumb inside your fluttering, soaked hole that was sucking him in so well Javi assumed it wasn't nearly enough to satisfy your needs yet. You needed more of him, all of him preferably.
"Well, then I guess I should tell you about my work more often, cariño," he murmured, his voice a deep vibration against your skin. "Because I like seeing you like that. S'really fucking sweet."
Driven by pure instinct, your head tilted away from him, your hair covering the side of your face where heat was rising in your cheeks. Javi couldn't be sure, though.
"Am I making you blush, cariño?" he wanted to know, pressing an open-mouthed kiss right on top of your blazing clit.
"No," you quickly lied and thrust your hips forward, beckoning Javi to push his finger further inside you.
"Good. 'Cause if you were, I'd tell you there's no reason to feel that way. Now do you want more, babygirl?"
You couldn't believe he was even asking you that, your hand flying out to grab his broad shoulder.
"Yeah. Yes, please. Please, Javi. I need more."
He was so smug and so stirred by your pleas at the same time, tempted to draw the moment out a little longer, but in the end his desire to watch your pleasure unfurl in its purest form won out, and Javi put more strength behind his motions. He worked his thumb inside you to the knuckle, let a generous amount of spit run down your pussy and sucked the little nub between his lips, hollowing his cheeks to build pressure. All of it happened so quickly that your nails scraped his shoulders, even the thin layer of his open shirt unable to keep him from feeling a sharp pain soar through him. Still, it wasn't the kind of sting that would prompt him to tell you to keep your hands to yourself… No, Javi felt proud of making you lose control like that.
"Javi…" you howled, eyes pinched shut and thighs convulsing even though he had only just started.
"I know, baby. She tastes good. And I know she's been waiting for me, hasn't she? S'why she welcomes me like that. And s'why she's so wet and warm for me. Just for me, isn't that right?"
You adored listening to Javi giving your pussy pronouns, talking about it like it was a separate part of your body with a mind and needs of its own. You didn't know what it was about it, but you were well aware of the effect it had on you.
"Yes, Javi. Just for you. Only for you, fuck —" Your shoulders rolled, shoulder blades lifting off the mattress, hands travelling up to his dark hair, which you lightly tugged on. Once Javi decided it was about time to give you more of his fingers, he pulled his thumb out and instead fed you his middle and ring finger, both so long they reached far deeper inside you than his thumb had.
You nearly choked on your own spit, tension rippling through your spine like tiny shock waves, though you associated them with something good and pleasurable.
"Yeah, you're really fucking warm and tight for me right there, mhm? All that for me?"
"Yes, Javi. All that for you, please, fuck —"
You didn't even know what you wanted. Hell, how were you supposed to figure it out with his fingers seizing all your attention like a black hole every time you tried to coherently sort your thoughts?
But your boyfriend seemed to understand you regardless, or at least it felt like he was really hitting an aching spot when he slid his tongue over the underside of your clit. Yes, he was hitting all the right spots with that. His fingers were tapping against the spongy patch within your walls, which you rarely even found on your own, whereas Javi never let a single session go by without that little area getting its treat. "Like it deserves it," your boyfriend used to say.
Meanwhile, his tongue was taking care of your clit, which seemed to be in flames, your nerve endings on high alert. You wished he would quench your desires, finish what he had started and put out the fire scorching across your pearl, but at the same time you wished he were inside you with his cock rather than his fingers. Sure, you loved to squeeze around them, to feel them move and stretch your walls, but there was always something entirely different about Javi putting his cock inside you. The intimacy, the closeness of it all was probably what was most alluring to you.
"Javi…" you whined, voice higher than when you normally talked to him. You squirmed on the bed with your thighs pressing against either side of his head, your hips bucking in search of something you couldn't quite describe.
"I know, baby. I'm gonna make you feel so good. So good that this pussy's gonna soak my face. She's so wet, sweetheart, so fucking perfect for me… You feel that?"
Javi slowly drew his fingers back, proving to you that your cunt couldn't be called wet but downright drenched. Slurping noises rose from your center, so unambiguous and filthy that you might have felt embarrassed about it. But not with Javi. Not with a man who always worshipped your body's reaction to him and showed his adoration in the same way that he savored every last one of your moans and whimpers.
"I want you to — fuck me, Javi," you stammered, his lips closing around your clit and dragging his heavy tongue along the outline. It was staggering, so perfect that it took a lot of willpower to make peace with the fact that he was about to comply with your request and pull away, but you longed for his thick cock inside you too much to wait for your first orgasm of the night.
Javi loved to make you cum at least once before he buried himself inside you, but tonight your need to feel him was especially strong. You wanted to feel every inch of him on top of you, be able to tangle your fingers with his and drape your legs around his hips. And that was only possible with him lying on top of you, fucking you into the bed.
"You want me to fuck you, sweetheart? Now?"
"Yes," you whimpered and spread your legs wider. Javi didn't need any more than that. He hadn't been lying when he said he would give you anything you wanted, which also included stopping his tongue play on your cunt earlier than he had anticipated.
Panting heavily, Javi left his space between your legs, though he rubbed your clit one last time with the pad of his thumb. Then he crawled toward your bedside table and opened the top drawer with a confidence that suggested he knew his way around your apartment effortlessly. There they were. Condoms that fitted him perfectly.
"Really, Javi…?" you muttered through pursed lips, feet planted flat on the bed, your hand busy tucking your hair behind your ears.
"Yes, cariño. C'mon, don't give me those eyes."
He should have known that he had made a mistake the first time he had fucked you raw. Okay, it had happened more than once, but definitely no more than three or four times. Obviously, Javi had regretted it within minutes, but you had shown a particular fondness for feeling him without a condom every single time.
And to avoid the fear of getting pregnant, you had taken the morning-after pill, which had relieved Javi even though he wasn't keen on watching you go down that path just because it was convenient and allowed you that special connection during sex. Condoms were safer, and Javi knew that, goddamnit. At times, it was just very difficult to deny you anything at all. Tonight, he would remain unwavering, though.
"Just this once. Please," you begged, putting even more hunger and yearning into your eyes, though Javi quickly averted his gaze so that he wouldn't feel too tempted by your dangerous request.
"Baby, you gotta stop… I'm gonna make it good, I promise. You trust me, right?"
"Yes," you whined, glancing down at his cock, which was throbbing in his firm grip.
"Okay… Then just relax. And enjoy it."
Javi was quick to tear the small package open, fumbling with the plastic and dropping it onto the nightstand. Then his eyes connected with yours again, skimming past the yearning in your gaze with a faint stumble of his heart.
"I'm gonna make it good, cariño… Gonna do all the work… Just need my princess to enjoy it and keep her eyes on me."
You couldn't help but chuckle softly, which relieved Javi, who had feared that refusing to fuck you raw would set off your pouting.
"I can do the work too," you insisted, reaching for his hard, throbbing cock, but Javi shook his head with a glossy twinkle in his eyes.
"I know you can… But tonight I just want you to lie back and relax. Okay?" Javi lovingly placed his palm on your cheek, thumb stretching out to brush against your cheekbone.
"Okay…"
He didn't need to hear more than that. Running his hand up and down your thigh, Javi single-handedly rolled the condom over his cock and stroked himself a couple of times. Of course, he would have liked to forgo the condom as well, but he already knew that he would feel guilty afterwards when the two of you had to rush to the pharmacy in the morning for the morning-after pill.
His left hand guided his tip through your slit, smearing your wetness all over your folds to make a mess he would be happy to clean up later.
"Javi," you whimpered as his cock nudged your sensitive bud, your legs spreading a little wider as though reminding him where your hole was.
"You want me to put it in?" he murmured, leaning down with his entire weight, knowing well how much you adored feeling as much of him as you physically could.
"Yes. Yes, Javi, please."
Your chests were flush against each other, not just sweat connecting your bodies but your heat as well. Everything was in sync, your heavy breathing, your heartbeat, probably even your temperatures.
"Put it in," you demanded once more, then drew a slow breath when you felt his heavy tip nudge against your hole. As always, Javi pressed his thumb into your clit while he worked his cock inside your cunt, giving you something to cling to and focus on while your walls stretched to accommodate him. Besides, he swore he always felt you loosen up a little more whenever his finger provided extra stimulation.
"Oh my god," you hummed, sliding your hands over the toned muscles of his arms and shoulders before planting them on his back. You pushed gently against him, communicating that you wanted to minimize the distance between the two of you without using your words. And just like you had hoped, Javi understood despite your inability to speak.
"Baby, you feel like a fucking dream. Look at me, cariño, please."
It wasn't easy to keep your eyes focused on one spot as your pupils tended to uncontrollably flick to the sides whenever he was stretching your walls like that. Still, you tried your very best for him.
"Javi, oh my god, oh my god," you whimpered quietly, feeling his chest cage you beneath him in the most exciting way possible.
"That's it, sweetheart. That's it… You like it? You like it when I go in slowly like that?"
He wasn't even halfway inside you even though you were more than ready to take him in one go.
"Yes," you breathed, your legs wrapping around his hips tightly.
You were holding onto him like a monkey, like you weren't planning to let him go any time soon. Pulse thundering behind your temples, you hid your face in the crook of his neck while Javi disappeared inside you painfully slowly, taking his time with every single inch. Of course, his touch on your bundle of nerves hadn't stopped and he still rubbed fast circles over your skin, which caused your lids to flutter and your pussy to drench his girthy cock.
You didn't know how Javi managed to squeeze his hand between your bodies, which were pressed so closely together that you had been certain not even a sheet of paper would fit between you. Still, he somehow found a way.
"Just a little bit more…" Javi hummed against your earlobe, pinching your clit between thumb and index finger. "Fuck… You're squeezing me so tightly. Just need you to look at me. Need to see how — good you're feeling."
That was something you could comply with. You didn't struggle for a second to convey your love for his actions and didn't shy away from moaning his name softly, working it between your teeth like a reverent prayer or a holy exclamation.
"Javi… Javi, please —" You took a deep breath, which didn't help. You felt too hot and short of breath, your body deliciously confined in the best way you could imagine. Buried beneath the man you needed so badly, held in place by his strong arms.
At last, he was fully sheathed inside you, his cock hitting all the right spots from within. Now that he was entirely buried in your warmth, he couldn't hold back any longer and quickly started to move in a steady rhythm. You weren't new to his technique, his long, intense, still quite slow thrusts that seemed to press you a little deeper into the bed with each one.
"Oh my god," was all you could breathe, your eyes on him as requested, though a thick veil hung over your sight.
"I know, baby. Feels good, doesn't it? I can feel you clench so hard around me. S'a lot for your pretty pussy, isn't it?"
You nodded softly, hazy eyes gazing back up at him.
"Too much?" Javi searched your face suspiciously at the faint shake of your head. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Need to hear you say it."
"No. S'not too much. It's good like that."
His hand gently slapping your clit wasn't really a reward, yet it felt like one.
"Deeper, Javi… please. Please, I need — more."
This time, it was Javi nuzzling your neck with his lips, kissing along your pulse point and hungrily inhaling your scent.
"Deeper? I can't go any deeper, hermosa. I'm already all the way inside you… She won't let me, you know?" To give you something different all the same, Javi swirled his finger around your clit with more force, smiling contentedly as you softly cried out his name.
"Javi… Javi, oh my god. I'm gonna cum."
It was no surprise that you were so close, considering he had already spent some time between your legs warming you up. It wouldn't take him much longer either, even though part of him just didn't want to let go yet, wanting to feel you a little longer.
"Jesus… You're so fucking warm, babygirl. So wet 'n' warm. Just made for me alone, mhm? I want you to cum for me and I want you to let it all go. Don't hold back."
He tucked your hair behind your ears, which didn't align with the powerful, sharp thrusts he delivered at all. They weren't painful or brutal, of course, but rather made you believe that Javi wanted to make sure you felt him. Preferably for days after. Each one was pointed and precise, driving into you with so much force you shuddered when he slammed back. Occasionally, Javi even broke the rhythm just to make his thrusts a little more surprising, drawing out a few more of those squeals from you. With success, obviously.
"You're so —" you mumbled, teeth dragging over your tongue to release the tension building in your body.
"I'm what?" Javi grinned, knowing that whatever words had formed in your head would amuse him.
"Good. Fuck… so good."
"That's my girl… You know what it does to my cock, don't you? Hearing you talk like that." Javi glanced down meaningfully, though you couldn't see a thing with your heavy, swimming head comfortably resting on a pillow.
"No. What?" you innocently asked, toying with the hair at his temples as your hooded eyes took in each of his lustful glances down your body, your jiggling tits, the thin layer of sweat covering your cleavage.
"Makes it really fucking hard… And proud." Javi purposefully drew his hips back before snapping them forward harshly, fully filling your spent pussy.
"Oh my god," you panted, unable even to tease him further about the effect of your words on his cock.
"Makes me wanna give it to you all night… Just playing with that sweet pussy for hours while she cums for me over and over again… So often that she forgets which one was coaxed out of her by my fingers, which one by my tongue and which by my cock… Makes me wanna give it to her really good, hermosa."
Javi lazily dragged his thumb around your bundle of nerves, throat vibrating with laughter at the way you jolted and jerked underneath him.
"C'mere, cariño…" Javi placed wet kisses along your jawline, all the way around your face until he landed one on your lips. "I want you to cum for me. Want you to give it all to me, baby, fuck… Need to — watch it. How you lose it."
His face was flushed and gleaming with sweat, drops falling from his brow onto your cheeks, but neither of you could have cared less. You were both on the verge of exploding, so much pressure and tension built up in your bodies that Javi felt like the condom wouldn't catch his entire load.
Meanwhile, your hands were still pulling at his hair, using a little more force every time he hit a particularly good spot or touched your clit right at its most sensitive point.
"Cum for me, baby. C'mon, sweetheart," he whispered at the exact moment his cock was buried all the way inside you, the rough skin of his thumb pressing directly onto your nub.
It was all you needed. His exhausted voice, his torso trapping you beneath him. Your head spun like a carousel, and the next thing you knew you were orgasming around Javi's cock, clenching around him ten times harder than before. He followed at once and spilled into the condom, his entire body quivering and shuddering.
His head dropped while you greedily let air fill your lungs, the muscles in your stomach convulsing.
"Oh my god," you murmured like a religious mantra, a single tear escaping from your lower lashes, which Javi quickly wiped from your face. "Javi… I — shit."
"I know, cariño… I got you. I got you, always. Just look at you cumming like that… S'fucking perfect. You're perfect."
There was a lot of vulnerability resonating in his voice, but since you were hovering in a similar dreamy state, you met his tenderness precisely, bringing your hands up to the back of his neck.
"Don't leave," you whispered, caressing his shoulder blades and closing your eyes.
"Where would I go, baby, mhm?"
"You could go home. But I want you to stay."
"I want to stay too…" he muttered through clenched teeth, flexing his jaw as he glided a hand from your hip up to your ribcage.
Javi stayed.
And he didn't just stay, he also fucked you again and again, like he had wished for earlier. First with his tongue, since his cock needed a little time to recover. Javi knelt between your legs and kissed his way down your body, which drew a fresh layer of sweat across your thighs and raised goosebumps along your forearms.
He made out with your clit slowly and passionately, like an ardent kiss shared between two lovers. After your third high of the night, you were crying softly, causing Javi to crawl up to you and scoop you into his arms. Your chin resting on his shoulder, he brought his lips to your ear, nibbling at your skin and speaking quietly.
"Can I give you more, baby? I just can't fucking stop. You taste so good and I need to see it again. Need to hear you say my name when you cum. You say it like you're mine. Like you're trying to tell me that you belong to me and that I'm the only one who gets to touch that pretty pussy."
You wanted to tell him that it was the truth, and that you only ever wanted him to be so close to you, but the words caught in your throat. All you could do was nod and whine his name once more while Javi crawled back down your body.
"Never gonna be done with her, hermosa… Never gonna be done telling her how perfect she is," Javi murmured the instant before he dove back in.
After making you cum again, this time keeping his tongue inside you throughout your high, he fucked you one more time with his cock. He had had great plans to coax a fifth one out of you, but about halfway through you had pressed a hand over your mouth, whimpering that you were too sensitive, which he had respected without a second thought. So it was just him spurting into the condom while hissing curses through his gritted teeth, mostly followed by high praise for you, how well you always took him, how addicted he was to your cunt, how perfect you felt. Better than anything else he had ever experienced.
"Jesus Christ… You're gonna be the fucking death of me, hermosa, shit… Fuck, yeah, like that… Don't move, baby, yes… Just stay like that, goddamnit…"
Then it was over.
Javi pulled out of you carefully, aware that after four releases, you would shriek at the slightest contact against your raw skin. A much darker, more twisted part of him found delight and rotten pleasure in the idea of his cock turning you into such a mess. You had willingly let him bruise your insides, had allowed him to push his fingers or tongue back inside you again and again just because you were so intoxicated by the feeling of him.
"You make it really hard to stop, baby," Javi chuckled, lying down next to you and offering you his hand, which you eagerly took.
"How late is it?" you whispered.
"I don't wanna know…"
"Why?" you asked, turning your head to glance at his profile. "We can sleep in tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah… we can. But still. I think it's really late."
Chest rising and falling steadily, you kissed the knuckles of his hand. "I'm feeling very sleepy, Javi…"
"That's okay, cariño… I put you through a lot today. Are you feeling good? Everything okay?"
You nodded with a faint smile lingering on your lips. "Yeah. Very good."
"Your pussy too?"
Your grin broadened as you felt Javi's fingertips ghost over your thigh, drifting toward your center.
"Yeah… But I really can't go another round."
"I know," he admitted, jutting his jaw forward. "You're just… really addictive. All of you. Makes it hard not to touch you all the time…"
"Well, we've got all the time in the world tomorrow…" you murmured, knowing well how much your boyfriend adored lazy morning sex when neither of you were really awake but highly sensitive to each other's touch.
He had barely even stopped touching you, yet Javi was already excited by the idea of waking you up with his mouth. Perhaps you would still be wet from the night before. Or maybe his proximity, his cock pressed against your backside, would make you dream filthy things that would turn you on in your sleep, resulting in drenched panties when you woke up.
Before Javi's thoughts could wander too far, he quickly kissed the top of your head.
"I can't wait for it. I'm gonna be all yours."
You smiled, then tilted your face so that his next kiss landed on your lips.
"I love you, baby."
Those four words had been as quiet as all the others, yet they carried a different feeling. A different weight, a different emotion ringing in his tone. There was longing and desire mixed with curiosity and fear. Fear that you wouldn't say it back. Now more than ever, Javi became aware that he had never said it quite like this before. He had spoken about being in love with you, told you how wonderful and perfect you were, but saying it to your face like that? It was a first. And hell, it was a little scary.
"I love you too, Javi. I love you so much."
Tears welled in your eyes, your bottom lip quivering as you pushed your face against his neck. A wave of relief coursed through him, flooding from the top of his head down to his little toe. It was ridiculous to feel so afraid of you not reciprocating his love after everything you two had just done, but Javi couldn't help it.
He wasn't half as confident with you as he usually was. Not in a bad way, though. It wasn't like you drained his self-assurance, but he just felt so much shyer and more afraid of doing something wrong whenever he was around you.
Maybe that was what his friends had talked about in the bar. They weren't blind to the way you had fundamentally changed something within him. Something that Javi couldn't quite grasp, but he knew that he liked it. He liked this version of himself, the one who was capable of allowing himself to feel things he had been reluctant to admit before. He liked what you did to him, how he acted in your presence.
"Just stay, baby. I just want you to stay," you whispered, his and your limbs a tangled sprawl across the bed.
"I will stay, cariño. For as long as you want me to. God… I love you."
Contains: canon-typical violence, graphic violence, blood and injury, character death (Tess), infection/cordyceps, guns and shooting, swearing, age gap, morally grey characters, angst, hurt, panic, fighting
Wordcount: 10,341
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel shook his head. Briefly.
"No."
Tess's lips tightened, neck flexing as she eyed Joel's face like she was checking something.
"I said no, Tess."
"Joel."
God… he hated how she said his name as though he were nothing but a stupid, rabid fighting dog with not an ounce of intelligence in his head. As though she could whistle and put him back on his leash any time she wished.
"You seriously wanna get involved in some firefly shit? You, out of all people, are you fuckin' kiddin' me?"
His gaze landed on Marlene for another beat, how she ran a hand over her brow, making her look like she was physically suffering from Joel and Tess taking so long.
"It's our only shot." She emphasized every single word, eyes dark and face unreadable.
Then, before Joel could protest, Tess freed herself from his bruising grip around her bicep and stepped toward Marlene, the other woman, whose name Joel had forgotten, and… Amy. At least, that was the noise Joel had been able to identify when Marlene had hissed something in her direction.
"We're gonna do it."
"Tess," Joel uttered, making it sound like an insult, but she just ignored him. Again, Joel felt like an animal that was too insignificant to speak to directly.
"Great." Marlene's shoulders dropped, her eyes slowly wandering to the young woman standing against the wall like she was trying to get swallowed by it.
"But we're not gonna let her go before we get our supplies. I swear to god, we don't have any problem shooting her when it comes down to it."
"I don't doubt that, Tess."
Marlene didn't even look at his partner while saying that and just approached the woman, who looked smaller than she was, pressed against the rancid wall.
"You okay?"
She nodded, though she looked a little pale. There were deep dark circles underneath her eyes, her lips bloody like someone had hit her. Joel wasn't so sure whether she was actually okay, but he couldn't have cared less.
"Okay. You got this, alright? Joel and Tess are gonna get you to the camp safely, and… they're gonna know what to do next. Just trust them. Not Joel and Tess, the people in the camp."
Marlene softly patted her shoulders, then turned toward the two others at last.
"Please. Don't fuck this up, okay?" she whispered weakly, reminding Joel of the gaping wound at her shoulder. "This is important. We're gonna provide you all the fucking equipment that you need. Whatever you want, we're gonna get it. Just keep her safe. Please."
Joel questioned what Marlene was trying to achieve by pleading with them since she must have known that out of all people, Tess and he were the last people to fall for her begging. Still, the part about getting them whatever they needed stood out to him. Whatever Tess had in mind for that girl, it must be important to her. Which consequentially gave them power.
"We will. If you do your part."
With that, Tess stepped aside, thrusting out her arm to signal the woman to come forward.
"C'mon."
She truly looked like a frightened lamb, throwing Marlene one last glimpse of doubt, but she was met with something resembling pity.
Yeah, Joel wasn't surprised. If Marlene had had the time for it, she probably would have showered the girl with advice about being careful around him and Tess while simultaneously apologizing for sending her off with them. It was no secret how much Marlene resented Joel and his methods, but for now, she depended on him.
If the life of her little pet was important to her.
Soon, the three of them were walking down the streets, dawn starting to settle upon the city. In the daylight, she seemed even paler, although her posture was a little more straightened, which made her look a whole inch taller.
"What's your name?" Tess said in her direction, grasping the straps of her backpack tightly.
"Amy."
"Amy… How old are you, Amy?"
"24."
It sounded like an interrogation, one that Joel didn't want to take any part in. He was just waiting to talk to Tess privately in order to berate her for making such stupid choices without his agreement, but so far, no such opportunity had presented itself.
"That's the one," Tess hummed, pointing to their apartment building, which looked especially rotten and dilapidated in the beautiful golden light that had spread through the streets. Without the dirty sidewalks and the occasional dead body, the scenery would have been almost pretty.
"That one?" Amy asked, and for the first time, Joel could spot a new emotion on her face. It was… disgust?
"Are you not satisfied with that one?" Tess growled and determinedly pushed the door open, silently inviting her in, but it seemed like Amy wasn't done yet regarding the front.
"S'not gonna get any prettier," Joel grunted, addressing her directly for the first time.
"How long are we gonna stay here?"
"As long as it takes."
He followed Tess inside, then held the door open a crack as if to tell her that she had about two seconds before he would close it.
"As long as it takes to do what?"
She received no answer. Joel was too annoyed with this whole goddamn day, and it seemed like even Tess had enough of all this shit.
Their heavy boots stomped on the stairs, causing dry dirt to dissolve from the underside of each step and drizzle down, perhaps into Amy's face, given that she was so far behind them. She climbed the staircase slowly, provoking Joel to wonder what she was looking for in here. A rat that they had woken up with their loud noises bouncing off the high ceiling? An open apartment door to dash through in order to not be forced to stay with Joel and Tess?
"Sit down," was the next thing Tess said once the three of them had entered the sparse room.
"I don't wanna sit," Amy muttered and folded her arms in front of her chest. Perhaps she was trying to look cool and unbothered, not at all intimidated by the two people significantly older than herself, but she only mildly succeeded.
"Okay. You can also stand all night if that's what you prefer," Tess commented.
"How long are we gonna stay here?" Amy asked, voice hollow and distant like part of her had given up on her defiant behavior. Well, if that was the case, she really was easy to break.
"As long as it takes to get dark. C'mon, Joel."
Tess stood up from the armchair seconds after she had plopped into it, gesturing for Joel to follow her. The woman guided him to the door, which made Amy furrow her brow in confusion.
"Where are you going?"
"To talk. In private."
"Why? Shouldn't I know about it too?"
Tess placed a hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her back. "No. This is just between Joel and me. Just… I don't know, sit on the couch. Try to sleep a little. Or you can take something from the kitchen if you're hungry."
Joel could feel his insides brewing once more, thinking that Tess was treating her much too nicely already. All they were supposed to do was get that woman to a firefly camp, nothing else. If Marlene was the amazing, saintly protector she claimed to be, she surely must have equipped Amy with something to eat.
Amy reluctantly strode back to the couch, circling their worn armchair like a predator, but Joel didn't find out what she did next as Tess pulled him out to the corridor.
"Before you start speaking – " the woman began, but this time, Joel, the vicious dog that he was, snapped first.
"What the fuck? What do you think you're doing here, Tess?"
"Joel."
This stupid word again. Sometimes, Joel believed that his friend thought he was able to tame his demeanor just by rolling his name past her lips like some magic spell.
"What?" he hissed, keeping his voice down in case Amy was eavesdropping.
"As I said, it's our best shot. We wanna find Tommy, don't we?"
"Don't bullshit me, Tess. Of course, I wanna find Tommy. But I'm not gonna drag some brat across the country and do all the shit work for Marlene."
"Have you listened to her earlier?" Tess's jaw worked, her eyes hungry all of a sudden. "I don't know what's up with her but she's important to Marlene. Just think of the possibilities… We're gonna bring her to that camp, put a gun to her head and tell them that before we let her go, we want everything. All the stuff in the world. A loaded truck, weapons, ammunition, food, compasses, maps, everything. The fireflies might be fucking idiots, but they're useful. They're gonna be useful to us."
Of course, Tess was right, Joel had to admit. They had a lot more options and connections than Tess and he had, and normally, if they wanted something, they always knew a guy who could get it. But that wasn't the part bothering him.
"But this – this girl, what are we gonna do with her? What's up with her? Why is she so important to Marlene that she'd ask us for help? I mean, come on, you know Marlene. Asking us for help must be her worst fucking nightmare."
"I know. I know, Joel… I have no fucking idea. But does it matter? I don't care about Marlene's motives."
Joel chewed on his tongue, casting Tess a skeptical glance.
"And… what if she's dangerous?"
"You think she's dangerous?" Tess laughed so loudly that Joel nearly hushed her.
"No I mean… Takin' 'er with us. What if… I don't know, there are dangerous people comin' after her?"
"Then we're gonna give 'er to them. It's easy, isn't it? We got nothing to lose, do we? If this mission fails, we're just gonna get back and find a new way to get a truck."
"You're makin' this sound really easy, Tess," Joel laughed humorlessly, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "We're talkin' about smugglin' 'er out of the QZ. We can't just turn around and head back if something feels off."
"Relax, Joel, okay?" Tess sighed, nodding slowly as though to convince herself that everything was going to be fine. If only Joel could believe it the way she did.
"We're gonna find a way if that happens. We always find a way, don't we?"
To say that he was unsatisfied with her response to his concerns would have been an understatement.
But just as it was typical for her, Tess patted her hand on his shoulder, her attention already on something else, as he could see it in her eyes.
"I'm gonna meet Derek, get some more food for the road. But I'll head straight back when it's dark enough."
"Jesus, Tess…"
He threw his head back, chin jutted forward.
"What?"
"Nothin'…"
Yeah, in that moment, he kind of did feel like her dog, her good pet that bit when she commanded, backed off when she told him to and kept his drooling mouth shut when she demanded silence.
When Joel opened the door again, he had no idea whatsoever what to expect. He wouldn't have been surprised to see Amy climb out of the window, raid their kitchen or sleep soundly on the couch.
But no, he was spared all of it and just took in her slouched frame on the armchair.
At the noise of the door falling shut, she turned around, her eyes finding him in the dark and assessing whether Tess was right behind him. When she realized that Joel was alone, she rose to her feet, straightening up in front of him as though she were bracing herself for a fight.
"What happened? Are we gonna go?"
"No," was all he felt strong enough to bark, and let himself fall back into the cushions of the couch, which were soiled with cigarette stains, dirt and things that he didn't even want to identify. Not knowing what his only pair of jeans touched was better than feeling disgusted by it. Even though nowadays, it took a whole lot more than some rat shit to upset his stomach.
"Why not?" Amy's eyes followed him like lightbulbs in the darkness. Joel could have turned on the light, but for one, he didn't want her to think that he was keen to have a conversation with her, and secondly, he felt like perhaps getting an hour of sleep before they would move out of the QZ.
"'Cause we're gonna wait until it's dark outside. And the rain gets heavier."
"Why?"
"You ask a hell lotta questions."
Joel laid down sideways, head on the armrest and arms folded in front of his chest.
"I wanna know what's gonna happen. I think that's not so unusual."
Although everything inside him refused to spare her another glance, let alone waste his time speaking to this random girl, Joel sighed, thinking that his chances of getting some sleep would be higher if he managed to answer her questions and therefore shut her running mouth up.
"Rain's gonna cover us. Darkness too."
"Where's Tess?"
"Oh you picked up her name already…" Joel chuckled lowly. "Don't get too attached. She bites."
His eyes were closed, which was why he couldn't see Amy's reaction to his words.
"I know your name too. Joel."
"Congratulations."
His thoughts began to drift off, sleep washing over him, which made him slowly start to forget all about Amy in the chair next to him. He hadn't felt very tired before, but now that his body was resting comfortably, sore limbs eased away, the exhaustion became almost intolerable and he might just –
"What's this?" Joel's left eye opened at her nagging tone. Amy was pointing at his radio like it was a spaceship or some hypermodern capsule to teleport someone somewhere else.
"None of your business."
"Why are you so rude?"
He almost laughed, if he hadn't felt that rage roiling within his abdomen. Rude, well that was an appropriate term for him, wasn't it?
"Why can't you shut your damn mouth for a moment?"
He paused, waiting for another clapback from her, but when she lay back in the armchair, she looked like she was sulking.
"What's the deal with ya, hm? What does Marlene want with you?"
Amy pulled her knees up to her chest, arms tightly draped around them as though to protect herself from an invisible force in the room with them. Or, and Joel deemed that as more likely, from him.
"None of your business."
"You're a smartass, aren't ya? You think you can make your way through this shit by coming up with bratty replies and playin' the tough one."
He might have added something, just to scare that girl a little more. She surely wasn't half as tenacious as she pretended to be, given that every now and then, a light glint flashed in her eyes. Not one that broadcasted ruthlessness or anger but rather… uncertainty. Fear, perhaps. But in that moment, the door flew open and Joel didn't even have to turn around to know that it was Tess.
"The air in here is shitty," she barked and dropped into a chair like she hadn't seen sleep in days. Joel's attention shifted toward her in an instant, the fact that she was back so soon troubling him.
"What happened?"
"Asshole was gone. The door was locked."
"What does the rain look like?"
Tess shrugged, her gaze trailing off toward Amy who was still curled into a ball.
"Not great, but we're gonna have to do it anyway."
"Why tonight?"
Before Joel could snort in annoyance at another one of her irritating questions, Tess took the reins and approached her. "Has Marlene told you anything at all?"
"Funny coming from you," Amy spat, teeth grinding like she was an animal about to rip apart its prey.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You have no idea what's going on here. We could trade. Information, you know? You tell me about your plan, that radio and – and what the fuck you're doing and I'm gonna tell you about what Marlene wants."
"Not happening," Joel grunted and slowly rose to his feet.
Tess's eyes lingered on his face a little longer than necessary, assessing whether to add something, and figuring that the deal was sensible before she tilted her head toward Amy's bag.
"Get your stuff. We're leaving."
Rain was slamming into Joel's face, obstructing his view in a way that made him unable to see anything apart from the dark outlines of the tall buildings to his left and right, but once he accepted the fact that he would be soaked to his bones by the time they reached the fence, there was something clean and purifying about the drops running down his cheeks.
Tess led the way as always, only that this time, Amy was walking between them, sometimes struggling to keep up with Tess's fast pace since she seemed quite busy observing the houses around her.
Weird, Joel thought. Has she never been to Boston before? Goddamnit, where had Marlene found this girl? Had she picked her up from some gutter and found out that she had super powers that would defeat FEDRA?
Getting out of the QZ was an easy task given that Joel and Tess had sneaked their way out of the area a million times before, smuggling stuff in and out. Mostly drugs, of course. Tonight, it was nearly embarrassingly easy, considering that the soldiers had their hands full with the attacks the fireflies had planned all across the city just to distract them enough for three people to quietly slip out of the QZ.
A whole resistance group using up their supplies to plant useless bombs in different corners of the town. Just for a single girl. Marlene must have lost her mind.
But at least, it made everything a lot easier for Joel and Tess, who felt almost ridiculous shushing Amy at every given moment when she bumped into the fence or asked a question into the silence. The night was so quiet, he might as well have shouted his friend's name, and he wouldn't have gotten a reaction except for the wind carrying his words back to him.
"Which direction?" Amy was just asking when suddenly, a loud voice cut through the air.
"You must be fucking joking."
All three of them wheeled around, Amy's eyes widening in shock while Joel could only exhale with restrained fury.
Commandant fucking McConney. The guy he had sold drugs to earlier in exchange for cigarettes.
"I told you to stay inside, didn't I?" he growled, thrusting his rifle forward. "Hands up, right now. This is gonna be bad, guys… This is gonna be really fucking bad. Outside the QZ after curfew. You know what the punishment for that is, don't you?"
Tess let out a strangled groan, though she reluctantly raised her hands, gesturing for Amy to do the same.
"C'mon, man… We got lots of stuff. Ammo, food…"
"Ammo? Food? I'm FEDRA, you fucking morons. The only thing you can give me is your lives. Hands up."
Joel obeyed as well, even though his blood was throbbing in his veins, keeping him on high alert. He would have to talk to this guy. He knew him, he was a corrupt, impressionable man who easily bent the rules for his own benefit. Otherwise, why would he have traded with Joel, sometimes even giving out sensitive information for a couple of pills?
When McConney pulled out an infection scanner, Joel rolled his eyes and let out an inaudible scoff.
"Seriously?"
"Yep. We're doing this by the book."
"What, did they give you a promotion? Did it remind you of your fuckin' morals?" Joel knew that he was playing with fire provoking the man while he was obviously the one in power, but his own frustration over getting caught by this dumbass of all people outweighed every sense of survival instinct.
"Shut your mouth or I'm gonna shoot you right now."
After he was done with Joel, Amy was next. She stood surprisingly still, considering that all three of them were in big trouble, but then suddenly, she stirred.
At first, Joel thought she was just shifting her weight to her other foot, but when she let out a guttural snarl and threw herself at him, Joel's body jolted.
"Fucking bitch!" McConney exclaimed after his howl of pain, hinting that Amy might have hit him on his ankle. With what? Had Marlene equipped her with weapons?
Everything happened fast, the soldier grabbing the young woman by the bicep and dragging her backward until she fell down on her backside.
"You stupid bitch. You know that you just got yourself and your friends killed?"
"Don't."
Joel took one step to the side, shielding Amy from McConney's view. The man narrowed his eyes.
"Arms. Up."
"You don't wanna do this."
The bright light of the flashlight attached to his rifle stung his eyes painfully.
Without realizing it, Joel's pupils dilated, his teeth meeting ever so subtly it probably escaped McConney's notice.
His vision blurred, and this time, the rain wasn't at fault.
Suddenly, the picture before him shattered into fragments, some of them showing scenes that had happened a long time ago. Twenty long years ago.
They had a similar eye color. Joel remembered that hazel brown too well not to notice it.
And both shared that specific look, those lifted eyebrows and that twinkle around their pupils that resembled pity.
Perhaps it was their way of redeeming themselves from the evil crime they were about to commit by showing that they were not utterly unbothered by it.
Joel's heart skipped a beat, a high squealing note in his ears. Then, everything around him turned red, and a beat later, Joel was wrestling the soldier to the ground, panting heavily while his fists crashed into the guy's face over and over.
Blood splashed to all sides, teeth broke, but at least his victim couldn't keep up his cursing and whimpering for long. Joel had no idea how long he had been beating and disfiguring the soldier's face, but based on the silence that spread the moment he stopped, he assumed it had been long overdue.
His breathing was still labored and uneven, his body trembling as he straightened up.
Joel turned slowly, eyes streaking over Tess who was chewing on her bottom lip, emitting a mixture of accusation and begrudging concession.
Then there was Amy. She was still sitting on the ground, hands flat at her sides and eyes round. She relentlessly moistened her dry, brittle lips with her tongue until she realized that there was no use trying. Was she scared? Of him or of what she had just witnessed?
"Let's go. We gotta move," Tess commanded and picked up the dead soldier's rifle, sparing him no more than one last compassionate glance. "Poor guy. He was a rule-follower."
Joel didn't possess the energy it would have taken to tell her what a loser he had been.
"You okay?" Tess said in Amy's direction, offering her her hand.
"Y-Yes." The stammering and faint tremble of her voice didn't escape Joel, and neither did it seem to escape Tess.
"I'm sorry, but if Marlene told you that this would be a pleasant trip, she told you a fairytale."
"I'm okay," she whispered, grabbing Tess's hand at last, which helped her get to her feet.
"What the fuck."
Joel froze mid-motion. He had been about to take the rifle from Tess's hand, but the sound of her voice, her eyes blown wide with horror, made him whirl around and instinctively reach for his holster. Then, he saw it. The cordyceps scanner. The red it showed pierced through his irises aggressively, causing his head to spin and his throat to dry up.
"No. No, no, no, I can explain," Amy stuttered, her voice louder than it had ever been before.
"Don't move, goddamnit!" Joel shouted and angled the rifle's tip toward her. She immediately jerked backward, protectively raising her hands as if to calm an upset animal.
"Don't shoot. I swear, I can explain, I – I'm not infected. Please, you have to – "
"Oh yeah? You're tryna tell me that the machine's lying?" Tess exclaimed and took her place next to Joel, glaring down at her like she were venom.
"No, I – Yes, I have the virus inside me, but it's not spreading. It's dead. I'm immune."
While Tess softly hissed out through her clenched teeth, Joel laughed drily, tightening his grasp around the weapon.
"We have to shoot her right now." He shifted his weight between his feet, his eyes scurrying over her frame, scared to lose her in the darkness.
"No!" Amy choked out, taking a step back as if putting distance between herself and him would save her in case he pulled the trigger.
"Look. Look at my arm. I got bit two weeks ago. And nothing happened, please – just – "
Tess groaned as if she were in physical pain, rubbing her palm over her brow.
"We gotta move. Right now. C'mon."
"What, you wanna – "
"Now!"
Loud noises gushed from the fence. It seemed like they weren't the only ones who knew about McConney's death by now, chattering and agitated clamoring soaring through the air. Joel was driven by his hot temper, but he was not stupid enough to continue this discussion here.
"Let's go," he grumbled, not looking back for once as the three of them headed in the opposite direction of the QZ.
"Don't fucking move."
Tess lightly tilted her head to the side as if that angle would allow her more insight into her opposite's nature.
"What do you expect? You think I'm gonna turn into a monster any second? I told you I- "
"Well, we don't care about what you told us," Joel threw in and stood up, only to realize that there was absolutely no reason for it. So, he just rubbed his hands clean on his jeans, observing her precisely like the answer could be found in her face.
Perhaps he could spot early signs of an infection in her fluttering lashes or frantically moving pupils. But no, Amy seemed at ease. Except for the wrinkles upon her forehead, of course.
"Don't move an inch or we're gonna take it as a sign that you're infected, and we'll shoot you."
"What?" Tess lowered her gun slightly, still enough for Joel to raise the rifle. One of them should be ready to pull the trigger in case Amy made a sudden move.
"I promised Marlene not to tell anyone."
"That you're immune?" Joel scoffed, his grin broad but definitely not genuine.
"Yes, dumbass. I'm immune."
"Are you joking? Out of all the stupid stories you could've come up with, you pick this one? Immunity?"
Amy creaked, her elbows resting on her knees as she buried her face in her hands, threading through her hair.
"I know it's hard to believe. But I – I got bit two weeks ago. Of course, I expected to turn within the next few hours. But it didn't happen. Not in the first hours, not in the first days. Then I… I met Marlene, okay? Don't ask me how. And she – she came up with this stupid idea that I might be… you know. I was not convinced at first, I promise you that, but I stayed healthy. And the virus doesn't spread. You wanna see?"
Amy lifted her hand, provoking Joel's finger to ghost over the trigger.
"I said stay where you are."
"Jesus Christ… I just want to show you the bite mark. Why don't you two try to be a bit more practical and less stubborn? This psycho can continue to point the rifle at me while you check. Please. Look at it yourself."
She gave Tess a pleading look, all doe-eyed and innocent, and even before his friend had pushed herself up, Joel had already been able to tell that Amy's methods worked on her.
"Show me. But any sudden movements, and he shoots."
"I know. I know, jesus."
Joel couldn't see a lot from his point of view, but he was certain that for his taste, Tess spent much too long examining Amy's bite wound from all sides.
"Well? Tess?"
His friend didn't reply, which drove Joel near insanity.
"Tess," he hissed, his muscles coiling with heat when she dropped Amy's arm and walked back to the empty beer crates Joel and she had pulled up to sit on during their interrogation. Meanwhile, the young woman had to sit on the floor, cross-legged and clearly gripped by the fear that Joel was seconds away from landing a bullet in her chest.
"Looks good," Tess finally spoke, though her answer was not to his satisfaction at all. He had expected her to give him the green light to get this problem out of the world once and for all. But not this.
"What do you mean looks good?"
"I mean… it hasn't spread. Like she said."
Joel took a well-measured breath that only served to ground his thundering heartbeat, which fit well with the storm rioting in his brain, sweeping out every intelligent thought like an aggressive gust of wind.
"What, you're telling me you believe her?" Joel spat, and didn't care about not having this conversation with Tess in a private space. Amy should know all these things, how he felt about her and how much he wished they could resume their travels without her.
"No, I mean… I don't know, I just think that she's right about it… not spreading in her body. Or at least it looks like it."
"Of course it hasn't. Shit, you think Marlene would start a whole big ass distraction just to get someone out of the city who's about to turn any second?" Amy abruptly pulled her hand away, prompting Tess to drop her arm like she had burned herself.
"What does Marlene want with you," Joel asked, though it didn't sound like a question. His voice was low, dangerous and deliberate.
"Can't you guess?" She straightened up again, trying to make herself look as tall as possible sitting on the floor.
"No. And if I were you, I wouldn't try to be a smartass. Talk. I'm not scared of pulling the trigger. Now, what does Marlene want with you?"
Tess moved to the side a little as if to get out of the danger zone in case Joel decided to follow through and pull the trigger.
"She wants to make a cure," Amy sighed and bit down on her bottom lip, her face drawn like everything inside her refused to spell it out. "The fireflies have a bunch of doctors who are waiting in that camp. Marlene wants to help me get there so that they can take blood and find out what exactly in my body is different from everyone else."
"You gotta be shittin' me…" Joel growled, throwing down the rifle just because he had to move. His head was aching like someone had just bumped it against a wall, his stomach twisting with an indescribable anger.
No… it was pretty unambiguous, actually. He had just wasted his time, risked his life to get an infected brat out of the QZ, who might attack Tess and him in the next hours. All that just for a truck they should have stolen from someone else rather than doing Marlene's dirty work. No wonder she had asked the two of them instead of dragging along a stubborn girl who wasn't just rude and obnoxious but also infected.
"I'm serious," Amy quickly stated, rising to her feet, which made Tess step away from her.
"Oh my god, I'm not infected, okay? I haven't turned and I was bit two weeks ago. I promise. Why should I make this shit up?"
"So that we don't shoot you! Goddamnit, stay where you are. And put your fucking hands up." Joel grabbed the rifle again, his finger hovering an inch above the trigger. Frightened, Amy obeyed, though her glossy eyes were begging him to believe her ridiculous tale.
"Please. Tess."
"Tess is not gonna help you, kiddo. I got the rifle."
"Joel."
He wanted to scream.
"She's infected, Tess. You're not seriously considering – "
His eyes briefly flicked toward his friend who was walking back to take her place next to him.
"Just don't shoot. Wait. She is right, okay? The wound's not fresh and it's not spreading."
"Yeah, because she's lucky. Maybe she's got a day more, two tops. But she ain't gonna live."
Amy forcefully pushed her bag to the ground, then approached Joel with two determined strides.
"See for yourself," she hissed through clenched teeth, yanking up her sleeve to uncover her forearm.
There was a bite mark. Unquestionably from human teeth. It hadn't properly healed but it didn't look too fresh either. Her flesh was bulging, little lines running across her arm in irregular patterns like he had seen a million times before in the faces of the monsters he had faced in combat, but these lines… they looked done. Defeated. Joel didn't enjoy the sight in the slightest.
"Get your fucking hand away," Joel cursed and pushed against her wrist with the end of the weapon.
"I'm not gonna turn. Why do you think Marlene would've done all of this?"
"Because she's a fucking idiot. An optimist, a dreamer. Tess, you heard that story too. That cure that's gonna save us all, that's gonna fix the world and turn everything back to the way it was before. I fucking heard that tale before. It's not gonna happen, and it's about time those goddamn fireflies accepted it!" Joel gasped for air, his lungs burning terribly. His voice had sounded gruff and dark.
At least, that was what he had believed the moment after he was done.
A day later, as he wandered along the highway heading to the university, Joel wondered if he might have been wrong. Because if his tone had carried that dominance, that urgency, why had he lost the fight against Tess?
He couldn't even entirely remember how she had persuaded him not to shoot Amy on the spot but instead take her along toward the firefly camp like they had promised Marlene, but here he was now. His rifle pointing toward the houses standing tall beside them rather than at Amy, who was walking a few steps ahead next to Tess.
He faintly remembered Tess's steel eyes peering right through him while her mouth moved. The content of her words was lost on him… maybe something about carrying a little bit of hope? Something about it being worth a shot? The immense reward they were going to get for this?
"How did you get infected?" he heard Tess's voice in that moment, his ears sharpening. He didn't really care to learn that much about that woman, but even Joel, who had felt confused by some parts of her behavior, liked to know where she had been.
"That's a very long story…" Amy uttered, forcing Joel to pick up his pace just a little so that he was close enough to catch her quiet voice.
"C'mon. Tell me."
"Do I have to?"
A throaty chuckle spilled from Tess's lips, her hands moving to her front pockets. "What do you mean? You're asking if we're gonna leave you here by the highway if you don't tell us?"
"Maybe…" Amy whispered, head lowered.
"No. It's okay. Doesn't matter really, does it?"
Whereas Amy looked relieved by Tess's words, Joel was disappointed, a little mad even. Not only did his friend sound much too amicable with that stranger already, but he also would have liked to hear the answer to her question to get a rough picture of what kind of person she was. Whether she was the kind of woman who brought trouble.
"So, you were born before the outbreak, right?" Tess lazily kicked a stone away while Amy held onto the straps of her backpack.
"Yes. But just a few years before. I barely remember anything."
"Jesus… That's really insane. You know, it's weird to see a kid on the street and know that they haven't seen what the world was like before the outbreak, but it's even stranger to talk to a damn adult who has no idea. We're getting old, Joel."
Tess turned around, causing Amy's eyes to land on him as well. Hostility and... suspicion flared in her pupils, if his judgment was correct.
"My parents told me about some of it… And I read books."
"You can read?" Tess sneered, nodding approvingly. "Most of the kids today can't. Only the ones whose parents taught them or the ones who went to FEDRA school. Which one are you?"
"My parents taught me."
"They still around?" Tess was direct and crude, which Joel appreciated for once. He didn't like to feel her observing, revealing gaze upon his own face, but in this case, her curious questions saved the two of them a lot of time.
"N-No…" Amy stammered, her eyes darting helplessly between Tess's left and right eye.
"Since when?"
"They died when I was six."
Six. That meant not a lot of stability for a young child. No surprise she was such an easy victim for Marlene to mold and forge to her liking. That woman was probably already growing a mini version of herself with that girl.
"How?"
"I'm really – " Amy started, grazing her teeth over her lip. She seemed anxious, maybe even on the verge of tears, but if she had expected Joel to save her, she couldn't have been more wrong.
"It's okay. You don't wanna talk about it, I got it."
Tess gently patted her shoulder, which caused a flinch to ripple through her spine.
How very interesting.
"That's the one."
Amy wheeled around so quickly she nearly lost her balance, then reverently eyed up the building. It did look glorious with the picturesque embellishments on the ledges, the detailed flourishes above the windows, which were surprisingly well intact. The door was open a crack, which made the woman carefully glance at Tess, then him.
"So we're going in?"
"Of course we're going in."
Joel adjusted the strap of the rifle so that the weapon hung behind his back and his hands were free to carry a gun and a flashlight. Quickly, Amy put her bag down, opened a zipper and pulled out a flashlight as well, which she turned on without saying a word.
Only then, realizing that Joel and Tess were both ready to enter the building, she halted and grimaced like something was going through her mind.
"What?" Joel barked without paying any attention to his impolite tone.
"Maybe you should give me a gun too?"
"No fucking way," he spat at once, making a determined step toward the door. When he noticed Tess's hesitation, he might have screamed the frustration out of his lungs had his friend not spoken up faster.
"Maybe she should…"
"No. Fucking. Way," he repeated harshly.
"Why not?" Tess asked.
"'Cause I'm not gonna hand a gun to this – this stubborn brat like it's candy."
"I'm 24. Stop treating me like a fucking child, Joel."
"Oh yeah? You don't wanna be treated like a child? Then you better start acting like an adult."
"I'm not the one acting like a pouty kid who's mad for some reason like I stole his favorite chocolate or something."
"Stop. Both of you." Tess stepped between them, jaw taut, though she radiated a certain tranquility with the way she drew a heavy breath and held herself.
"Fine. No gun for you, 'cause these are actually Joel's so it's not my choice to make. Sorry, kid."
"I'm not a kid. Stop calling me that."
Tess stared at her for a beat, taking in her chin jutted forward, her flashing eyes, her messy hair.
"Fine, okay. Amy."
"Quiet."
He could watch Amy's eyes widen in real time as her mind slowly processed, then categorized the noises she had just heard.
"What do we do?" she breathed, barely audible to Joel, and yet he raised his finger to hush her.
"We go upstairs," he decided for the whole group, ignoring Tess's half-hearted protests.
The staircase was shattered and gaped with cracks that one couldn't quite see when carefully taking one step after another, but would feel painfully when someone's foot got stuck.
"Look at the ground," Joel warned Amy, who was running her eyes up to the ceiling as though the biggest dangers were lurking within the mildew spreading across the walls. What was she thinking? And why did the most incapable person of all happen to be the one who was immune to the cordyceps? If Marlene's assumptions were right after all.
Joel took Amy by the arm for the last few feet across the corridor, then rudely shoved her inside the museum room.
"Act like one," he mouthed, referring to all the things that had poured out of him earlier, but the woman just clenched her teeth and rubbed her bicep where Joel had gripped her.
Everything was dark in here, except for the little dots their flashlights cast upon the ground. The place had once been an exhibition of reptiles and fish, but nowadays, the only thing hinting at it was the large skeleton in the center of the room, which once might have been the heart of the museum. Now, it just looked gruesome with the thick layer of dust upon it and the bones spread out across the parquet floor.
"Shit," Tess suddenly cursed, her flashlight dancing over the door they had just come through.
"What?"
"Did you hear that?"
Joel paused, listening to his own heartbeat rather than getting distracted by the crushed glass all over the floor. Fuck.
"Clicker," he panted and rapidly tried to take in as much as he could of the large hall, looking for cupboards to hide inside, glass cabinets they could break in order to send the infected the wrong way.
"What do we do, Joel?" Tess asked and raised her gun, knuckles turning white, and so did her face. Joel inhaled deeply, nostrils flaring. Then, he grabbed Amy by her arms once more, pushing her backward until her back met the wall behind her.
"We're gonna be silent now. Not quiet. Silent. You hear them?"
"Yes," she whispered, sheer terror etched into her features in a way that sent a cold shudder through Joel's body.
"Good. They can't see. But they can hear. You're gonna stick to Tess and me, move when we say it and stop when we say it. Clear?"
"Yes."
As Joel let go of her, her pupils grazed the gun in his hand. Perhaps it would have been wise to arm her as well, but there was no time for it.
The noises of the Clickers grew louder, indicating that they were moving in their direction. If there was something he had learned over the past years, it was that they heard every single needle drop, every single whisper, no matter if it was closer to a breath than spoken words. There was a chance Joel had already messed up by not keeping his voice down entirely.
A minute later, Joel, Tess and Amy were pressed against a glass cabinet, heads resting against it while two Clickers meandered past them. The air turned sharp and thin all of a sudden, though it might just have been his lungs working slower than they usually did.
Blunt fear had a firm hold on him, although Joel knew how counterproductive and harmful it was. Rather than helping him, it hindered his movements, slowed his pace and clouded his mind dangerously.
He took a small step forward once the Clickers had walked past them for the second time. All three of them crept along the case, their faces so close to the glass it fogged beneath their breaths.
Crack. Joel's muscles seized painfully, his stomach lurching. Then, everything happened very quickly.
The air, previously so still except for the quiet, rhythmical clicking of their opponents, was filled with ugly squealing and yelps. Keen-eared as they were, they immediately threw themselves against the glass cabinet, which gave way under their weight and shattered into a million sharp little pieces.
Joel gasped, Tess shrieked, and Amy? Joel didn't know. The next thing he knew, he was dashing toward the secondary exit on the third floor beside Amy, whom he pulled along with him. Of course, they didn't make it far — not that Joel would have left without Tess — and the taller of the Clickers appeared to their right.
The unnatural yell it let out didn't have the effect it had had on him years ago, which was why Joel's face remained stoic as he dragged Amy behind him to shield her while he shot the Clicker over and over again. Soon, the air smelled of gunfire and a strident tone was ringing in his ears, yet the infected still stood.
"C'mon," he barked in Amy's direction, but didn't give her a choice anyway as he ran in the opposite direction and tugged her with him.
Once they had crossed the entire length of the building, passing yellowed information boards and the rotten remnants of little benches, Joel led the two of them behind another cabinet.
He brought a finger to his lips, signaling Amy to stay silent while he closed his eyes. Joel could always hear better when his other senses were shut down. If only there wasn't that thick scent of smoke in his nose. Perhaps it came from Tess's pistol. He prayed it came from Tess, and that she had successfully defended herself against the other Clicker.
Shit, he should be there with her rather than dragging that bratty girl along with him, who would probably not even thank him for saving her.
There. Another sound.
Joel had no clue whether it was the Clicker they had just fled from, but the moment it was close enough for him to assess its exact position, he stepped out from behind the cabinet and blindly pulled the trigger. Again, and again, and again.
Then, finally, its dark frame crumpled and collapsed into a disfigured mess of angular limbs stretched in all directions. Joel delivered one more shot to its head, making sure it really was dead before he turned toward Amy, who was still crouching against the glass.
"C'mon," he whispered and tipped his head.
There were noises not far away, and he could only hope that the reason they soared through the air was that the Clicker was fighting for its life right now.
Joel's feet carried him quickly to the source of the squeals despite the heaviness in his bones that just wouldn't give him the needed strength. What should he expect? Ten years ago, he probably would have had the energy to kill five of those Clickers without the twitch of an eyelash, and now he felt his power fade after a single combat. Which hadn't even really been combat.
"Joel," Amy whispered, but his eyes remained strictly on the floor before him. Then, Joel's gaze finally fell upon the horrendous scene of Tess struggling beneath the weight of a Clicker even more bloodthirsty and mad than the one they had just encountered. He quickly put an end to it by shooting the infected through its head.
When Tess stood on both her feet again, wiping down her jacket in disgust, all three of them were panting heavily, sweat pooling at Joel's temple even though the danger was momentarily at bay.
"You okay?" he wanted to know, examining her body as well as he could.
"Yeah. Are you?"
"I think so. Yes."
He had stayed far enough away for the Clicker not to bury its teeth in his flesh, so he should be fine. If he wasn't wrong about the pain in his foot, he might have strained his ankle while bolting with Amy, but it was nothing that wouldn't heal neatly within a few days. Joel had gone through worse.
"You too?"
The girl who refused to be called a girl nodded lightly. "Yeah. Of course."
Of course. What a nice way to put it for someone who hadn't lifted a finger because she'd had the privilege of being taken care of by him.
"Good. Let's get out of here now. Before we get more visitors."
The light shining in his face was such a vast contrast to the darkness that had surrounded him for the past minutes that Joel briefly felt excitement bubble in his stomach, though he had no intention of feeling happy, let alone relieved that they had made their way out of the museum.
Now, they were on top of the roof of the neighboring building, a former office building or something of the sort. The only thing separating them from the Massachusetts State House now was the climb across a small wooden plank to the next building, a ladder leading down to the street and a mile south until they would reach the Firefly camp.
In other words, most of the tough shit was behind them. But before they would finish the journey across the abandoned city, Tess sat down to bandage her feet, while Amy stood a few feet away like a shadow.
"Go ahead," Joel shouted against the wind, which was a lot stronger up here than on the streets where the tall buildings sheltered them. "But don't fall off the plank."
"I'm not a fucking child," she yelled and didn't turn around again, confidently stepping onto the wood that was slightly arched after years exposed to wind, rain and the weight of many people who had used the small path to get to the other side of the city.
"Jesus… I wouldn't mind 'er fallin' down," Joel murmured and opened his bag to grab the bandage he had shoved into the depths of it.
When Tess didn't answer, he continued, babbling mindless things that had been in his head and that he hadn't been able to say out loud so far with Amy buzzing around them like a bee. He missed speaking freely the way he could when it was just him and her. He missed cracking a joke that probably wasn't funny to anyone else in the world, but after spending so much time with the same person, the two of them had developed their own very specific sense of humor, which was a mixture of morbid, malicious joy and nihilism.
"I can't believe Marlene's makin' us do this shit… What's gonna happen when they realize that it doesn't work, hm? Are we supposed to take 'er back to the QZ like two kindergarten teachers?"
"Can you shut up, Joel?" He flinched at her sharp voice, her eyes just two glimmering dark holes spitting fire at him.
"What – "
"Can you be hopeful for once in your life, Joel? Can you just maybe accept that there's a chance that this might work? Can you just – I don't know, dream for a second?"
"Tess, I…"
"No. Just – No. I can do this on my own. Go ahead. Make sure she doesn't fall off the roof."
He had no choice but to give in to her demands, handing her the bandage he had meant to wrap around her ankle so that his friend could rest her limbs for a moment. Joel was still unsettled as he rose to his feet, feeling his knees ache while he approached the wooden plank Amy had just successfully crossed.
Now, she was standing by the railing, letting her gaze wander over the city like she owned it. There was awe in the lines around her mouth, as well as respect.
"Well? What do you think?" he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"It's beautiful."
The light made her hair look golden and her skin gleam. Perhaps it was the remnants of the sweat that had gathered on her brow, but either way, it had the same pretty effect.
Pretty. Joel wanted to laugh out loud but suppressed the noise at the last moment. Pretty was the last thing he wanted to think about while his eyes rested on that woman. Not just because she was almost thirty years younger than him, but just as much because of how much he despised her presence, her nagging tone, her way of snapping at Tess and him while they were carrying her through this goddamn mess and making sure that she was fine.
Most importantly, of course, he didn't like her because that was how Joel was. He didn't like people. He respected them, like he did Tess. He hated them, like he did Marlene. Or he worried about them, like he did about Tommy. Amy… he felt annoyed by, if anything. Most of all, the girl was too insignificant to waste another thought on.
"You ever seen a city like that?"
"No," she replied shortly, pulling up the zip of her jacket. It was a lot colder up here, or at least it felt like it given the wind brushing against Joel's knuckles.
He scrunched his nose, leaving it at that. He had asked out of curiosity, but he felt no desire to get to know her any better, which was why he regarded the stillness, the spooky peacefulness of the wild city in silence.
Joel had always felt moved by nature reclaiming what was rightfully hers in such a profound way. Plants and vines weaving their way around fire poles, whole eucalyptus trees growing on the rooftop of the former city hall as though they couldn't have cared less about the relevance the building had once held.
"Ready?" Tess had sneaked her way up to them quietly and now lifted her chin, beckoning the others to follow her to the ladder leading down to the street along the front of the red brick building they were on.
Ten minutes later, Joel's shoulders tensed.
It wasn't like he had been fully relaxed during their hike along the straight avenue guiding them to the building they had already spotted half an hour ago, but now, with the trucks clearly visible before him, he fastened the strap of the rifle around his torso.
Everything looked normal so far, at least what Joel expected a firefly camp to look like. But then, as the three of them stood in front of the building, he narrowed his eyes.
Something was off. It was… quiet. Too quiet for the base of the most prominent resistance group, which, according to Amy, had even been joined by scientists and doctors needed to make a cure.
"What the fuck's goin' on here…" Joel muttered, not bothering to part his teeth. His gaze flickered over the trucks, the tires, the door, and then he harshly opened the driver's door of the nearest one.
"Shit…"
A guy fell out at once, making Tess and Amy jolt backward. He had a gaping wound on his head, eyes hollow and dead.
"What happened here?" Amy breathed, even though there was no need to keep her voice down after what Tess did next.
The woman cursed at no one in particular, grabbed Amy by the bicep and dragged her across the forecourt, heading for the gate.
"Tess," Joel warned her, but she didn't seem to listen. She kicked the door open, which gave him no choice but to follow, though his heart thundered up his throat as he raised the rifle.
"Shit… Shit, shit."
Joel heard his friend's words before he was able to take in the scene himself. Dead bodies. Sprawled across the floor like someone had come in here solely to butcher everyone within the walls of the building. Blood was everywhere, coating the white marble in an ugly scarlet.
"No. This can't be – " Tess plunged forward and towered over a small desk in the next moment. She seemed so eager to find something among the countless sheets of paper and cards that she even forgot to pull Amy along, who looked deeply uncomfortable standing beside her.
"Who was that?" she asked, but Joel was too occupied catching up with Tess's hot-headed temper.
"Tess. C'mon, Tess, what are you doing? We need to get back."
"No!" she hissed, turning so suddenly Joel nearly stumbled backward. She looked feral, almost possessed by a higher power, with her eyes wide open and her lips compressed.
"We don't go back, Joel. We go on, we – " She paused, her eyes lingering on something to Joel's right.
A body. On the ground, laboriously dragging itself across the floor to — Joel understood why Tess had faltered too late to stop her. His brain was still processing, trying to grasp what had driven his friend to be so upset and panicky, which was why he only shifted his eyes from the nearly dead man when Tess was already in the middle of opening every single plastic tank the fireflies must have taken with them, using the back of the rifle Joel had set down on the floor.
"Tess!"
At first, she didn't react, busy tipping the gasoline tanks over so that the liquid could spread across the ground. What the hell was she doing? What the hell did she think –
"She's infected."
Joel's brow creased, eyes landing on Amy's face. He noticed an expression he had never seen on her before. There was pity, but why was there pity? What had she just said, Tess was… infected?
"What?" Joel chuckled drily, watching as Tess rushed across the space like a rabid rabbit. By now, everything smelled of gasoline, mixed with the scent of blood that still heavily clung to the air.
"She's infected. Aren't you, Tess?"
"Tess?"
It was Joel's voice that seemed to wake her from her trance. She didn't stop at once, but her movements slowed until her hand came to rest weakly on one of the tanks she had been just about to push over.
"It had to happen sooner or later, right?" she whispered, standing up and taking a small step. "We were running out of luck, Joel."
"Tess."
"I'm gonna blow this place up. That asshole called all his new friends by pulling at the goddamn string. But it doesn't matter now. It's — over."
Before he could answer, perhaps ask what the hell was going on and why she hadn't told him up there on the roof, Tess rushed forward, ignoring the flinch that went through Joel's body.
"Take her, Joel."
A muscle beside his mouth ticked.
"All the shit we have done, Joel. Make it right. Make up for some of it."
His teeth ground so hard they creaked under the force.
"Take her to Bill and Frank. They will take her and get her there safely. They'll know what to do. They got supplies, everything they're gonna need. They can take the car and drive her to the fireflies and maybe – " Tess's voice broke. "Maybe it's gonna work. It might work, Joel. Just – Think about it. Think about – "
The lines around Joel's eyes grew more distinct as he jerked back once more.
As though his body was acting on his mind's behalf, his hand enclosed Amy's bicep. Automatically, like a machine. His grip was steel-like, firm, like Joel had no intention of letting go any time soon.
"What are you – " Amy stumbled, her arm wriggling to free itself, but of course she didn't stand a chance.
"Let me go, what are you doing?"
Now, Amy's whole body was squirming, her free hand flailing to hit Joel somewhere, but he mercilessly dragged her along with him like a doll. He felt numb, he didn't feel anything at all.
Even Amy's shouts, her pleas to let her go, went past him.
He was aware that she was shrieking, but his brain was sealed inside a water bubble, causing her voice to come through muffled and distant. There was a chance Tess was saying something too, but he wouldn't have known.
He left the dead bodies behind. His vision was blurry now as well, head spinning like a washing machine. Maybe Amy was still fighting and writhing like she was possessed, Joel didn't know. He wouldn't have cared either way.
When he walked out of the door and left the building behind, something in his stomach churned. Something subtle, not quite painful, yet Joel was so profoundly aware of it that it nearly made him lose his mind, made him want to ram his nails into his stomach and scoop his organs out of his body.
When his senses started to perceive his surroundings more clearly again, the smell of gasoline making its way past his nostrils, Joel picked up his pace.
By the time they reached the nearby forest, he was running, and even Amy seemed to understand that in order to survive this day, she couldn't stay within close range of the building.
So she sprinted by his side, though Joel's hand didn't loosen its taut hold around her arm.
Contains: canon-typical violence, graphic violence, blood and injury, character death (Tess), infection/cordyceps, guns and shooting, swearing, age gap, morally grey characters, angst, hurt, panic, fighting
Wordcount: 10,341
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel shook his head. Briefly.
"No."
Tess's lips tightened, neck flexing as she eyed Joel's face like she was checking something.
"I said no, Tess."
"Joel."
God… he hated how she said his name as though he were nothing but a stupid, rabid fighting dog with not an ounce of intelligence in his head. As though she could whistle and put him back on his leash any time she wished.
"You seriously wanna get involved in some firefly shit? You, out of all people, are you fuckin' kiddin' me?"
His gaze landed on Marlene for another beat, how she ran a hand over her brow, making her look like she was physically suffering from Joel and Tess taking so long.
"It's our only shot." She emphasized every single word, eyes dark and face unreadable.
Then, before Joel could protest, Tess freed herself from his bruising grip around her bicep and stepped toward Marlene, the other woman, whose name Joel had forgotten, and… Amy. At least, that was the noise Joel had been able to identify when Marlene had hissed something in her direction.
"We're gonna do it."
"Tess," Joel uttered, making it sound like an insult, but she just ignored him. Again, Joel felt like an animal that was too insignificant to speak to directly.
"Great." Marlene's shoulders dropped, her eyes slowly wandering to the young woman standing against the wall like she was trying to get swallowed by it.
"But we're not gonna let her go before we get our supplies. I swear to god, we don't have any problem shooting her when it comes down to it."
"I don't doubt that, Tess."
Marlene didn't even look at his partner while saying that and just approached the woman, who looked smaller than she was, pressed against the rancid wall.
"You okay?"
She nodded, though she looked a little pale. There were deep dark circles underneath her eyes, her lips bloody like someone had hit her. Joel wasn't so sure whether she was actually okay, but he couldn't have cared less.
"Okay. You got this, alright? Joel and Tess are gonna get you to the camp safely, and… they're gonna know what to do next. Just trust them. Not Joel and Tess, the people in the camp."
Marlene softly patted her shoulders, then turned toward the two others at last.
"Please. Don't fuck this up, okay?" she whispered weakly, reminding Joel of the gaping wound at her shoulder. "This is important. We're gonna provide you all the fucking equipment that you need. Whatever you want, we're gonna get it. Just keep her safe. Please."
Joel questioned what Marlene was trying to achieve by pleading with them since she must have known that out of all people, Tess and he were the last people to fall for her begging. Still, the part about getting them whatever they needed stood out to him. Whatever Tess had in mind for that girl, it must be important to her. Which consequentially gave them power.
"We will. If you do your part."
With that, Tess stepped aside, thrusting out her arm to signal the woman to come forward.
"C'mon."
She truly looked like a frightened lamb, throwing Marlene one last glimpse of doubt, but she was met with something resembling pity.
Yeah, Joel wasn't surprised. If Marlene had had the time for it, she probably would have showered the girl with advice about being careful around him and Tess while simultaneously apologizing for sending her off with them. It was no secret how much Marlene resented Joel and his methods, but for now, she depended on him.
If the life of her little pet was important to her.
Soon, the three of them were walking down the streets, dawn starting to settle upon the city. In the daylight, she seemed even paler, although her posture was a little more straightened, which made her look a whole inch taller.
"What's your name?" Tess said in her direction, grasping the straps of her backpack tightly.
"Amy."
"Amy… How old are you, Amy?"
"24."
It sounded like an interrogation, one that Joel didn't want to take any part in. He was just waiting to talk to Tess privately in order to berate her for making such stupid choices without his agreement, but so far, no such opportunity had presented itself.
"That's the one," Tess hummed, pointing to their apartment building, which looked especially rotten and dilapidated in the beautiful golden light that had spread through the streets. Without the dirty sidewalks and the occasional dead body, the scenery would have been almost pretty.
"That one?" Amy asked, and for the first time, Joel could spot a new emotion on her face. It was… disgust?
"Are you not satisfied with that one?" Tess growled and determinedly pushed the door open, silently inviting her in, but it seemed like Amy wasn't done yet regarding the front.
"S'not gonna get any prettier," Joel grunted, addressing her directly for the first time.
"How long are we gonna stay here?"
"As long as it takes."
He followed Tess inside, then held the door open a crack as if to tell her that she had about two seconds before he would close it.
"As long as it takes to do what?"
She received no answer. Joel was too annoyed with this whole goddamn day, and it seemed like even Tess had enough of all this shit.
Their heavy boots stomped on the stairs, causing dry dirt to dissolve from the underside of each step and drizzle down, perhaps into Amy's face, given that she was so far behind them. She climbed the staircase slowly, provoking Joel to wonder what she was looking for in here. A rat that they had woken up with their loud noises bouncing off the high ceiling? An open apartment door to dash through in order to not be forced to stay with Joel and Tess?
"Sit down," was the next thing Tess said once the three of them had entered the sparse room.
"I don't wanna sit," Amy muttered and folded her arms in front of her chest. Perhaps she was trying to look cool and unbothered, not at all intimidated by the two people significantly older than herself, but she only mildly succeeded.
"Okay. You can also stand all night if that's what you prefer," Tess commented.
"How long are we gonna stay here?" Amy asked, voice hollow and distant like part of her had given up on her defiant behavior. Well, if that was the case, she really was easy to break.
"As long as it takes to get dark. C'mon, Joel."
Tess stood up from the armchair seconds after she had plopped into it, gesturing for Joel to follow her. The woman guided him to the door, which made Amy furrow her brow in confusion.
"Where are you going?"
"To talk. In private."
"Why? Shouldn't I know about it too?"
Tess placed a hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her back. "No. This is just between Joel and me. Just… I don't know, sit on the couch. Try to sleep a little. Or you can take something from the kitchen if you're hungry."
Joel could feel his insides brewing once more, thinking that Tess was treating her much too nicely already. All they were supposed to do was get that woman to a firefly camp, nothing else. If Marlene was the amazing, saintly protector she claimed to be, she surely must have equipped Amy with something to eat.
Amy reluctantly strode back to the couch, circling their worn armchair like a predator, but Joel didn't find out what she did next as Tess pulled him out to the corridor.
"Before you start speaking – " the woman began, but this time, Joel, the vicious dog that he was, snapped first.
"What the fuck? What do you think you're doing here, Tess?"
"Joel."
This stupid word again. Sometimes, Joel believed that his friend thought he was able to tame his demeanor just by rolling his name past her lips like some magic spell.
"What?" he hissed, keeping his voice down in case Amy was eavesdropping.
"As I said, it's our best shot. We wanna find Tommy, don't we?"
"Don't bullshit me, Tess. Of course, I wanna find Tommy. But I'm not gonna drag some brat across the country and do all the shit work for Marlene."
"Have you listened to her earlier?" Tess's jaw worked, her eyes hungry all of a sudden. "I don't know what's up with her but she's important to Marlene. Just think of the possibilities… We're gonna bring her to that camp, put a gun to her head and tell them that before we let her go, we want everything. All the stuff in the world. A loaded truck, weapons, ammunition, food, compasses, maps, everything. The fireflies might be fucking idiots, but they're useful. They're gonna be useful to us."
Of course, Tess was right, Joel had to admit. They had a lot more options and connections than Tess and he had, and normally, if they wanted something, they always knew a guy who could get it. But that wasn't the part bothering him.
"But this – this girl, what are we gonna do with her? What's up with her? Why is she so important to Marlene that she'd ask us for help? I mean, come on, you know Marlene. Asking us for help must be her worst fucking nightmare."
"I know. I know, Joel… I have no fucking idea. But does it matter? I don't care about Marlene's motives."
Joel chewed on his tongue, casting Tess a skeptical glance.
"And… what if she's dangerous?"
"You think she's dangerous?" Tess laughed so loudly that Joel nearly hushed her.
"No I mean… Takin' 'er with us. What if… I don't know, there are dangerous people comin' after her?"
"Then we're gonna give 'er to them. It's easy, isn't it? We got nothing to lose, do we? If this mission fails, we're just gonna get back and find a new way to get a truck."
"You're makin' this sound really easy, Tess," Joel laughed humorlessly, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "We're talkin' about smugglin' 'er out of the QZ. We can't just turn around and head back if something feels off."
"Relax, Joel, okay?" Tess sighed, nodding slowly as though to convince herself that everything was going to be fine. If only Joel could believe it the way she did.
"We're gonna find a way if that happens. We always find a way, don't we?"
To say that he was unsatisfied with her response to his concerns would have been an understatement.
But just as it was typical for her, Tess patted her hand on his shoulder, her attention already on something else, as he could see it in her eyes.
"I'm gonna meet Derek, get some more food for the road. But I'll head straight back when it's dark enough."
"Jesus, Tess…"
He threw his head back, chin jutted forward.
"What?"
"Nothin'…"
Yeah, in that moment, he kind of did feel like her dog, her good pet that bit when she commanded, backed off when she told him to and kept his drooling mouth shut when she demanded silence.
When Joel opened the door again, he had no idea whatsoever what to expect. He wouldn't have been surprised to see Amy climb out of the window, raid their kitchen or sleep soundly on the couch.
But no, he was spared all of it and just took in her slouched frame on the armchair.
At the noise of the door falling shut, she turned around, her eyes finding him in the dark and assessing whether Tess was right behind him. When she realized that Joel was alone, she rose to her feet, straightening up in front of him as though she were bracing herself for a fight.
"What happened? Are we gonna go?"
"No," was all he felt strong enough to bark, and let himself fall back into the cushions of the couch, which were soiled with cigarette stains, dirt and things that he didn't even want to identify. Not knowing what his only pair of jeans touched was better than feeling disgusted by it. Even though nowadays, it took a whole lot more than some rat shit to upset his stomach.
"Why not?" Amy's eyes followed him like lightbulbs in the darkness. Joel could have turned on the light, but for one, he didn't want her to think that he was keen to have a conversation with her, and secondly, he felt like perhaps getting an hour of sleep before they would move out of the QZ.
"'Cause we're gonna wait until it's dark outside. And the rain gets heavier."
"Why?"
"You ask a hell lotta questions."
Joel laid down sideways, head on the armrest and arms folded in front of his chest.
"I wanna know what's gonna happen. I think that's not so unusual."
Although everything inside him refused to spare her another glance, let alone waste his time speaking to this random girl, Joel sighed, thinking that his chances of getting some sleep would be higher if he managed to answer her questions and therefore shut her running mouth up.
"Rain's gonna cover us. Darkness too."
"Where's Tess?"
"Oh you picked up her name already…" Joel chuckled lowly. "Don't get too attached. She bites."
His eyes were closed, which was why he couldn't see Amy's reaction to his words.
"I know your name too. Joel."
"Congratulations."
His thoughts began to drift off, sleep washing over him, which made him slowly start to forget all about Amy in the chair next to him. He hadn't felt very tired before, but now that his body was resting comfortably, sore limbs eased away, the exhaustion became almost intolerable and he might just –
"What's this?" Joel's left eye opened at her nagging tone. Amy was pointing at his radio like it was a spaceship or some hypermodern capsule to teleport someone somewhere else.
"None of your business."
"Why are you so rude?"
He almost laughed, if he hadn't felt that rage roiling within his abdomen. Rude, well that was an appropriate term for him, wasn't it?
"Why can't you shut your damn mouth for a moment?"
He paused, waiting for another clapback from her, but when she lay back in the armchair, she looked like she was sulking.
"What's the deal with ya, hm? What does Marlene want with you?"
Amy pulled her knees up to her chest, arms tightly draped around them as though to protect herself from an invisible force in the room with them. Or, and Joel deemed that as more likely, from him.
"None of your business."
"You're a smartass, aren't ya? You think you can make your way through this shit by coming up with bratty replies and playin' the tough one."
He might have added something, just to scare that girl a little more. She surely wasn't half as tenacious as she pretended to be, given that every now and then, a light glint flashed in her eyes. Not one that broadcasted ruthlessness or anger but rather… uncertainty. Fear, perhaps. But in that moment, the door flew open and Joel didn't even have to turn around to know that it was Tess.
"The air in here is shitty," she barked and dropped into a chair like she hadn't seen sleep in days. Joel's attention shifted toward her in an instant, the fact that she was back so soon troubling him.
"What happened?"
"Asshole was gone. The door was locked."
"What does the rain look like?"
Tess shrugged, her gaze trailing off toward Amy who was still curled into a ball.
"Not great, but we're gonna have to do it anyway."
"Why tonight?"
Before Joel could snort in annoyance at another one of her irritating questions, Tess took the reins and approached her. "Has Marlene told you anything at all?"
"Funny coming from you," Amy spat, teeth grinding like she was an animal about to rip apart its prey.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You have no idea what's going on here. We could trade. Information, you know? You tell me about your plan, that radio and – and what the fuck you're doing and I'm gonna tell you about what Marlene wants."
"Not happening," Joel grunted and slowly rose to his feet.
Tess's eyes lingered on his face a little longer than necessary, assessing whether to add something, and figuring that the deal was sensible before she tilted her head toward Amy's bag.
"Get your stuff. We're leaving."
Rain was slamming into Joel's face, obstructing his view in a way that made him unable to see anything apart from the dark outlines of the tall buildings to his left and right, but once he accepted the fact that he would be soaked to his bones by the time they reached the fence, there was something clean and purifying about the drops running down his cheeks.
Tess led the way as always, only that this time, Amy was walking between them, sometimes struggling to keep up with Tess's fast pace since she seemed quite busy observing the houses around her.
Weird, Joel thought. Has she never been to Boston before? Goddamnit, where had Marlene found this girl? Had she picked her up from some gutter and found out that she had super powers that would defeat FEDRA?
Getting out of the QZ was an easy task given that Joel and Tess had sneaked their way out of the area a million times before, smuggling stuff in and out. Mostly drugs, of course. Tonight, it was nearly embarrassingly easy, considering that the soldiers had their hands full with the attacks the fireflies had planned all across the city just to distract them enough for three people to quietly slip out of the QZ.
A whole resistance group using up their supplies to plant useless bombs in different corners of the town. Just for a single girl. Marlene must have lost her mind.
But at least, it made everything a lot easier for Joel and Tess, who felt almost ridiculous shushing Amy at every given moment when she bumped into the fence or asked a question into the silence. The night was so quiet, he might as well have shouted his friend's name, and he wouldn't have gotten a reaction except for the wind carrying his words back to him.
"Which direction?" Amy was just asking when suddenly, a loud voice cut through the air.
"You must be fucking joking."
All three of them wheeled around, Amy's eyes widening in shock while Joel could only exhale with restrained fury.
Commandant fucking McConney. The guy he had sold drugs to earlier in exchange for cigarettes.
"I told you to stay inside, didn't I?" he growled, thrusting his rifle forward. "Hands up, right now. This is gonna be bad, guys… This is gonna be really fucking bad. Outside the QZ after curfew. You know what the punishment for that is, don't you?"
Tess let out a strangled groan, though she reluctantly raised her hands, gesturing for Amy to do the same.
"C'mon, man… We got lots of stuff. Ammo, food…"
"Ammo? Food? I'm FEDRA, you fucking morons. The only thing you can give me is your lives. Hands up."
Joel obeyed as well, even though his blood was throbbing in his veins, keeping him on high alert. He would have to talk to this guy. He knew him, he was a corrupt, impressionable man who easily bent the rules for his own benefit. Otherwise, why would he have traded with Joel, sometimes even giving out sensitive information for a couple of pills?
When McConney pulled out an infection scanner, Joel rolled his eyes and let out an inaudible scoff.
"Seriously?"
"Yep. We're doing this by the book."
"What, did they give you a promotion? Did it remind you of your fuckin' morals?" Joel knew that he was playing with fire provoking the man while he was obviously the one in power, but his own frustration over getting caught by this dumbass of all people outweighed every sense of survival instinct.
"Shut your mouth or I'm gonna shoot you right now."
After he was done with Joel, Amy was next. She stood surprisingly still, considering that all three of them were in big trouble, but then suddenly, she stirred.
At first, Joel thought she was just shifting her weight to her other foot, but when she let out a guttural snarl and threw herself at him, Joel's body jolted.
"Fucking bitch!" McConney exclaimed after his howl of pain, hinting that Amy might have hit him on his ankle. With what? Had Marlene equipped her with weapons?
Everything happened fast, the soldier grabbing the young woman by the bicep and dragging her backward until she fell down on her backside.
"You stupid bitch. You know that you just got yourself and your friends killed?"
"Don't."
Joel took one step to the side, shielding Amy from McConney's view. The man narrowed his eyes.
"Arms. Up."
"You don't wanna do this."
The bright light of the flashlight attached to his rifle stung his eyes painfully.
Without realizing it, Joel's pupils dilated, his teeth meeting ever so subtly it probably escaped McConney's notice.
His vision blurred, and this time, the rain wasn't at fault.
Suddenly, the picture before him shattered into fragments, some of them showing scenes that had happened a long time ago. Twenty long years ago.
They had a similar eye color. Joel remembered that hazel brown too well not to notice it.
And both shared that specific look, those lifted eyebrows and that twinkle around their pupils that resembled pity.
Perhaps it was their way of redeeming themselves from the evil crime they were about to commit by showing that they were not utterly unbothered by it.
Joel's heart skipped a beat, a high squealing note in his ears. Then, everything around him turned red, and a beat later, Joel was wrestling the soldier to the ground, panting heavily while his fists crashed into the guy's face over and over.
Blood splashed to all sides, teeth broke, but at least his victim couldn't keep up his cursing and whimpering for long. Joel had no idea how long he had been beating and disfiguring the soldier's face, but based on the silence that spread the moment he stopped, he assumed it had been long overdue.
His breathing was still labored and uneven, his body trembling as he straightened up.
Joel turned slowly, eyes streaking over Tess who was chewing on her bottom lip, emitting a mixture of accusation and begrudging concession.
Then there was Amy. She was still sitting on the ground, hands flat at her sides and eyes round. She relentlessly moistened her dry, brittle lips with her tongue until she realized that there was no use trying. Was she scared? Of him or of what she had just witnessed?
"Let's go. We gotta move," Tess commanded and picked up the dead soldier's rifle, sparing him no more than one last compassionate glance. "Poor guy. He was a rule-follower."
Joel didn't possess the energy it would have taken to tell her what a loser he had been.
"You okay?" Tess said in Amy's direction, offering her her hand.
"Y-Yes." The stammering and faint tremble of her voice didn't escape Joel, and neither did it seem to escape Tess.
"I'm sorry, but if Marlene told you that this would be a pleasant trip, she told you a fairytale."
"I'm okay," she whispered, grabbing Tess's hand at last, which helped her get to her feet.
"What the fuck."
Joel froze mid-motion. He had been about to take the rifle from Tess's hand, but the sound of her voice, her eyes blown wide with horror, made him whirl around and instinctively reach for his holster. Then, he saw it. The cordyceps scanner. The red it showed pierced through his irises aggressively, causing his head to spin and his throat to dry up.
"No. No, no, no, I can explain," Amy stuttered, her voice louder than it had ever been before.
"Don't move, goddamnit!" Joel shouted and angled the rifle's tip toward her. She immediately jerked backward, protectively raising her hands as if to calm an upset animal.
"Don't shoot. I swear, I can explain, I – I'm not infected. Please, you have to – "
"Oh yeah? You're tryna tell me that the machine's lying?" Tess exclaimed and took her place next to Joel, glaring down at her like she were venom.
"No, I – Yes, I have the virus inside me, but it's not spreading. It's dead. I'm immune."
While Tess softly hissed out through her clenched teeth, Joel laughed drily, tightening his grasp around the weapon.
"We have to shoot her right now." He shifted his weight between his feet, his eyes scurrying over her frame, scared to lose her in the darkness.
"No!" Amy choked out, taking a step back as if putting distance between herself and him would save her in case he pulled the trigger.
"Look. Look at my arm. I got bit two weeks ago. And nothing happened, please – just – "
Tess groaned as if she were in physical pain, rubbing her palm over her brow.
"We gotta move. Right now. C'mon."
"What, you wanna – "
"Now!"
Loud noises gushed from the fence. It seemed like they weren't the only ones who knew about McConney's death by now, chattering and agitated clamoring soaring through the air. Joel was driven by his hot temper, but he was not stupid enough to continue this discussion here.
"Let's go," he grumbled, not looking back for once as the three of them headed in the opposite direction of the QZ.
"Don't fucking move."
Tess lightly tilted her head to the side as if that angle would allow her more insight into her opposite's nature.
"What do you expect? You think I'm gonna turn into a monster any second? I told you I- "
"Well, we don't care about what you told us," Joel threw in and stood up, only to realize that there was absolutely no reason for it. So, he just rubbed his hands clean on his jeans, observing her precisely like the answer could be found in her face.
Perhaps he could spot early signs of an infection in her fluttering lashes or frantically moving pupils. But no, Amy seemed at ease. Except for the wrinkles upon her forehead, of course.
"Don't move an inch or we're gonna take it as a sign that you're infected, and we'll shoot you."
"What?" Tess lowered her gun slightly, still enough for Joel to raise the rifle. One of them should be ready to pull the trigger in case Amy made a sudden move.
"I promised Marlene not to tell anyone."
"That you're immune?" Joel scoffed, his grin broad but definitely not genuine.
"Yes, dumbass. I'm immune."
"Are you joking? Out of all the stupid stories you could've come up with, you pick this one? Immunity?"
Amy creaked, her elbows resting on her knees as she buried her face in her hands, threading through her hair.
"I know it's hard to believe. But I – I got bit two weeks ago. Of course, I expected to turn within the next few hours. But it didn't happen. Not in the first hours, not in the first days. Then I… I met Marlene, okay? Don't ask me how. And she – she came up with this stupid idea that I might be… you know. I was not convinced at first, I promise you that, but I stayed healthy. And the virus doesn't spread. You wanna see?"
Amy lifted her hand, provoking Joel's finger to ghost over the trigger.
"I said stay where you are."
"Jesus Christ… I just want to show you the bite mark. Why don't you two try to be a bit more practical and less stubborn? This psycho can continue to point the rifle at me while you check. Please. Look at it yourself."
She gave Tess a pleading look, all doe-eyed and innocent, and even before his friend had pushed herself up, Joel had already been able to tell that Amy's methods worked on her.
"Show me. But any sudden movements, and he shoots."
"I know. I know, jesus."
Joel couldn't see a lot from his point of view, but he was certain that for his taste, Tess spent much too long examining Amy's bite wound from all sides.
"Well? Tess?"
His friend didn't reply, which drove Joel near insanity.
"Tess," he hissed, his muscles coiling with heat when she dropped Amy's arm and walked back to the empty beer crates Joel and she had pulled up to sit on during their interrogation. Meanwhile, the young woman had to sit on the floor, cross-legged and clearly gripped by the fear that Joel was seconds away from landing a bullet in her chest.
"Looks good," Tess finally spoke, though her answer was not to his satisfaction at all. He had expected her to give him the green light to get this problem out of the world once and for all. But not this.
"What do you mean looks good?"
"I mean… it hasn't spread. Like she said."
Joel took a well-measured breath that only served to ground his thundering heartbeat, which fit well with the storm rioting in his brain, sweeping out every intelligent thought like an aggressive gust of wind.
"What, you're telling me you believe her?" Joel spat, and didn't care about not having this conversation with Tess in a private space. Amy should know all these things, how he felt about her and how much he wished they could resume their travels without her.
"No, I mean… I don't know, I just think that she's right about it… not spreading in her body. Or at least it looks like it."
"Of course it hasn't. Shit, you think Marlene would start a whole big ass distraction just to get someone out of the city who's about to turn any second?" Amy abruptly pulled her hand away, prompting Tess to drop her arm like she had burned herself.
"What does Marlene want with you," Joel asked, though it didn't sound like a question. His voice was low, dangerous and deliberate.
"Can't you guess?" She straightened up again, trying to make herself look as tall as possible sitting on the floor.
"No. And if I were you, I wouldn't try to be a smartass. Talk. I'm not scared of pulling the trigger. Now, what does Marlene want with you?"
Tess moved to the side a little as if to get out of the danger zone in case Joel decided to follow through and pull the trigger.
"She wants to make a cure," Amy sighed and bit down on her bottom lip, her face drawn like everything inside her refused to spell it out. "The fireflies have a bunch of doctors who are waiting in that camp. Marlene wants to help me get there so that they can take blood and find out what exactly in my body is different from everyone else."
"You gotta be shittin' me…" Joel growled, throwing down the rifle just because he had to move. His head was aching like someone had just bumped it against a wall, his stomach twisting with an indescribable anger.
No… it was pretty unambiguous, actually. He had just wasted his time, risked his life to get an infected brat out of the QZ, who might attack Tess and him in the next hours. All that just for a truck they should have stolen from someone else rather than doing Marlene's dirty work. No wonder she had asked the two of them instead of dragging along a stubborn girl who wasn't just rude and obnoxious but also infected.
"I'm serious," Amy quickly stated, rising to her feet, which made Tess step away from her.
"Oh my god, I'm not infected, okay? I haven't turned and I was bit two weeks ago. I promise. Why should I make this shit up?"
"So that we don't shoot you! Goddamnit, stay where you are. And put your fucking hands up." Joel grabbed the rifle again, his finger hovering an inch above the trigger. Frightened, Amy obeyed, though her glossy eyes were begging him to believe her ridiculous tale.
"Please. Tess."
"Tess is not gonna help you, kiddo. I got the rifle."
"Joel."
He wanted to scream.
"She's infected, Tess. You're not seriously considering – "
His eyes briefly flicked toward his friend who was walking back to take her place next to him.
"Just don't shoot. Wait. She is right, okay? The wound's not fresh and it's not spreading."
"Yeah, because she's lucky. Maybe she's got a day more, two tops. But she ain't gonna live."
Amy forcefully pushed her bag to the ground, then approached Joel with two determined strides.
"See for yourself," she hissed through clenched teeth, yanking up her sleeve to uncover her forearm.
There was a bite mark. Unquestionably from human teeth. It hadn't properly healed but it didn't look too fresh either. Her flesh was bulging, little lines running across her arm in irregular patterns like he had seen a million times before in the faces of the monsters he had faced in combat, but these lines… they looked done. Defeated. Joel didn't enjoy the sight in the slightest.
"Get your fucking hand away," Joel cursed and pushed against her wrist with the end of the weapon.
"I'm not gonna turn. Why do you think Marlene would've done all of this?"
"Because she's a fucking idiot. An optimist, a dreamer. Tess, you heard that story too. That cure that's gonna save us all, that's gonna fix the world and turn everything back to the way it was before. I fucking heard that tale before. It's not gonna happen, and it's about time those goddamn fireflies accepted it!" Joel gasped for air, his lungs burning terribly. His voice had sounded gruff and dark.
At least, that was what he had believed the moment after he was done.
A day later, as he wandered along the highway heading to the university, Joel wondered if he might have been wrong. Because if his tone had carried that dominance, that urgency, why had he lost the fight against Tess?
He couldn't even entirely remember how she had persuaded him not to shoot Amy on the spot but instead take her along toward the firefly camp like they had promised Marlene, but here he was now. His rifle pointing toward the houses standing tall beside them rather than at Amy, who was walking a few steps ahead next to Tess.
He faintly remembered Tess's steel eyes peering right through him while her mouth moved. The content of her words was lost on him… maybe something about carrying a little bit of hope? Something about it being worth a shot? The immense reward they were going to get for this?
"How did you get infected?" he heard Tess's voice in that moment, his ears sharpening. He didn't really care to learn that much about that woman, but even Joel, who had felt confused by some parts of her behavior, liked to know where she had been.
"That's a very long story…" Amy uttered, forcing Joel to pick up his pace just a little so that he was close enough to catch her quiet voice.
"C'mon. Tell me."
"Do I have to?"
A throaty chuckle spilled from Tess's lips, her hands moving to her front pockets. "What do you mean? You're asking if we're gonna leave you here by the highway if you don't tell us?"
"Maybe…" Amy whispered, head lowered.
"No. It's okay. Doesn't matter really, does it?"
Whereas Amy looked relieved by Tess's words, Joel was disappointed, a little mad even. Not only did his friend sound much too amicable with that stranger already, but he also would have liked to hear the answer to her question to get a rough picture of what kind of person she was. Whether she was the kind of woman who brought trouble.
"So, you were born before the outbreak, right?" Tess lazily kicked a stone away while Amy held onto the straps of her backpack.
"Yes. But just a few years before. I barely remember anything."
"Jesus… That's really insane. You know, it's weird to see a kid on the street and know that they haven't seen what the world was like before the outbreak, but it's even stranger to talk to a damn adult who has no idea. We're getting old, Joel."
Tess turned around, causing Amy's eyes to land on him as well. Hostility and... suspicion flared in her pupils, if his judgment was correct.
"My parents told me about some of it… And I read books."
"You can read?" Tess sneered, nodding approvingly. "Most of the kids today can't. Only the ones whose parents taught them or the ones who went to FEDRA school. Which one are you?"
"My parents taught me."
"They still around?" Tess was direct and crude, which Joel appreciated for once. He didn't like to feel her observing, revealing gaze upon his own face, but in this case, her curious questions saved the two of them a lot of time.
"N-No…" Amy stammered, her eyes darting helplessly between Tess's left and right eye.
"Since when?"
"They died when I was six."
Six. That meant not a lot of stability for a young child. No surprise she was such an easy victim for Marlene to mold and forge to her liking. That woman was probably already growing a mini version of herself with that girl.
"How?"
"I'm really – " Amy started, grazing her teeth over her lip. She seemed anxious, maybe even on the verge of tears, but if she had expected Joel to save her, she couldn't have been more wrong.
"It's okay. You don't wanna talk about it, I got it."
Tess gently patted her shoulder, which caused a flinch to ripple through her spine.
How very interesting.
"That's the one."
Amy wheeled around so quickly she nearly lost her balance, then reverently eyed up the building. It did look glorious with the picturesque embellishments on the ledges, the detailed flourishes above the windows, which were surprisingly well intact. The door was open a crack, which made the woman carefully glance at Tess, then him.
"So we're going in?"
"Of course we're going in."
Joel adjusted the strap of the rifle so that the weapon hung behind his back and his hands were free to carry a gun and a flashlight. Quickly, Amy put her bag down, opened a zipper and pulled out a flashlight as well, which she turned on without saying a word.
Only then, realizing that Joel and Tess were both ready to enter the building, she halted and grimaced like something was going through her mind.
"What?" Joel barked without paying any attention to his impolite tone.
"Maybe you should give me a gun too?"
"No fucking way," he spat at once, making a determined step toward the door. When he noticed Tess's hesitation, he might have screamed the frustration out of his lungs had his friend not spoken up faster.
"Maybe she should…"
"No. Fucking. Way," he repeated harshly.
"Why not?" Tess asked.
"'Cause I'm not gonna hand a gun to this – this stubborn brat like it's candy."
"I'm 24. Stop treating me like a fucking child, Joel."
"Oh yeah? You don't wanna be treated like a child? Then you better start acting like an adult."
"I'm not the one acting like a pouty kid who's mad for some reason like I stole his favorite chocolate or something."
"Stop. Both of you." Tess stepped between them, jaw taut, though she radiated a certain tranquility with the way she drew a heavy breath and held herself.
"Fine. No gun for you, 'cause these are actually Joel's so it's not my choice to make. Sorry, kid."
"I'm not a kid. Stop calling me that."
Tess stared at her for a beat, taking in her chin jutted forward, her flashing eyes, her messy hair.
"Fine, okay. Amy."
"Quiet."
He could watch Amy's eyes widen in real time as her mind slowly processed, then categorized the noises she had just heard.
"What do we do?" she breathed, barely audible to Joel, and yet he raised his finger to hush her.
"We go upstairs," he decided for the whole group, ignoring Tess's half-hearted protests.
The staircase was shattered and gaped with cracks that one couldn't quite see when carefully taking one step after another, but would feel painfully when someone's foot got stuck.
"Look at the ground," Joel warned Amy, who was running her eyes up to the ceiling as though the biggest dangers were lurking within the mildew spreading across the walls. What was she thinking? And why did the most incapable person of all happen to be the one who was immune to the cordyceps? If Marlene's assumptions were right after all.
Joel took Amy by the arm for the last few feet across the corridor, then rudely shoved her inside the museum room.
"Act like one," he mouthed, referring to all the things that had poured out of him earlier, but the woman just clenched her teeth and rubbed her bicep where Joel had gripped her.
Everything was dark in here, except for the little dots their flashlights cast upon the ground. The place had once been an exhibition of reptiles and fish, but nowadays, the only thing hinting at it was the large skeleton in the center of the room, which once might have been the heart of the museum. Now, it just looked gruesome with the thick layer of dust upon it and the bones spread out across the parquet floor.
"Shit," Tess suddenly cursed, her flashlight dancing over the door they had just come through.
"What?"
"Did you hear that?"
Joel paused, listening to his own heartbeat rather than getting distracted by the crushed glass all over the floor. Fuck.
"Clicker," he panted and rapidly tried to take in as much as he could of the large hall, looking for cupboards to hide inside, glass cabinets they could break in order to send the infected the wrong way.
"What do we do, Joel?" Tess asked and raised her gun, knuckles turning white, and so did her face. Joel inhaled deeply, nostrils flaring. Then, he grabbed Amy by her arms once more, pushing her backward until her back met the wall behind her.
"We're gonna be silent now. Not quiet. Silent. You hear them?"
"Yes," she whispered, sheer terror etched into her features in a way that sent a cold shudder through Joel's body.
"Good. They can't see. But they can hear. You're gonna stick to Tess and me, move when we say it and stop when we say it. Clear?"
"Yes."
As Joel let go of her, her pupils grazed the gun in his hand. Perhaps it would have been wise to arm her as well, but there was no time for it.
The noises of the Clickers grew louder, indicating that they were moving in their direction. If there was something he had learned over the past years, it was that they heard every single needle drop, every single whisper, no matter if it was closer to a breath than spoken words. There was a chance Joel had already messed up by not keeping his voice down entirely.
A minute later, Joel, Tess and Amy were pressed against a glass cabinet, heads resting against it while two Clickers meandered past them. The air turned sharp and thin all of a sudden, though it might just have been his lungs working slower than they usually did.
Blunt fear had a firm hold on him, although Joel knew how counterproductive and harmful it was. Rather than helping him, it hindered his movements, slowed his pace and clouded his mind dangerously.
He took a small step forward once the Clickers had walked past them for the second time. All three of them crept along the case, their faces so close to the glass it fogged beneath their breaths.
Crack. Joel's muscles seized painfully, his stomach lurching. Then, everything happened very quickly.
The air, previously so still except for the quiet, rhythmical clicking of their opponents, was filled with ugly squealing and yelps. Keen-eared as they were, they immediately threw themselves against the glass cabinet, which gave way under their weight and shattered into a million sharp little pieces.
Joel gasped, Tess shrieked, and Amy? Joel didn't know. The next thing he knew, he was dashing toward the secondary exit on the third floor beside Amy, whom he pulled along with him. Of course, they didn't make it far — not that Joel would have left without Tess — and the taller of the Clickers appeared to their right.
The unnatural yell it let out didn't have the effect it had had on him years ago, which was why Joel's face remained stoic as he dragged Amy behind him to shield her while he shot the Clicker over and over again. Soon, the air smelled of gunfire and a strident tone was ringing in his ears, yet the infected still stood.
"C'mon," he barked in Amy's direction, but didn't give her a choice anyway as he ran in the opposite direction and tugged her with him.
Once they had crossed the entire length of the building, passing yellowed information boards and the rotten remnants of little benches, Joel led the two of them behind another cabinet.
He brought a finger to his lips, signaling Amy to stay silent while he closed his eyes. Joel could always hear better when his other senses were shut down. If only there wasn't that thick scent of smoke in his nose. Perhaps it came from Tess's pistol. He prayed it came from Tess, and that she had successfully defended herself against the other Clicker.
Shit, he should be there with her rather than dragging that bratty girl along with him, who would probably not even thank him for saving her.
There. Another sound.
Joel had no clue whether it was the Clicker they had just fled from, but the moment it was close enough for him to assess its exact position, he stepped out from behind the cabinet and blindly pulled the trigger. Again, and again, and again.
Then, finally, its dark frame crumpled and collapsed into a disfigured mess of angular limbs stretched in all directions. Joel delivered one more shot to its head, making sure it really was dead before he turned toward Amy, who was still crouching against the glass.
"C'mon," he whispered and tipped his head.
There were noises not far away, and he could only hope that the reason they soared through the air was that the Clicker was fighting for its life right now.
Joel's feet carried him quickly to the source of the squeals despite the heaviness in his bones that just wouldn't give him the needed strength. What should he expect? Ten years ago, he probably would have had the energy to kill five of those Clickers without the twitch of an eyelash, and now he felt his power fade after a single combat. Which hadn't even really been combat.
"Joel," Amy whispered, but his eyes remained strictly on the floor before him. Then, Joel's gaze finally fell upon the horrendous scene of Tess struggling beneath the weight of a Clicker even more bloodthirsty and mad than the one they had just encountered. He quickly put an end to it by shooting the infected through its head.
When Tess stood on both her feet again, wiping down her jacket in disgust, all three of them were panting heavily, sweat pooling at Joel's temple even though the danger was momentarily at bay.
"You okay?" he wanted to know, examining her body as well as he could.
"Yeah. Are you?"
"I think so. Yes."
He had stayed far enough away for the Clicker not to bury its teeth in his flesh, so he should be fine. If he wasn't wrong about the pain in his foot, he might have strained his ankle while bolting with Amy, but it was nothing that wouldn't heal neatly within a few days. Joel had gone through worse.
"You too?"
The girl who refused to be called a girl nodded lightly. "Yeah. Of course."
Of course. What a nice way to put it for someone who hadn't lifted a finger because she'd had the privilege of being taken care of by him.
"Good. Let's get out of here now. Before we get more visitors."
The light shining in his face was such a vast contrast to the darkness that had surrounded him for the past minutes that Joel briefly felt excitement bubble in his stomach, though he had no intention of feeling happy, let alone relieved that they had made their way out of the museum.
Now, they were on top of the roof of the neighboring building, a former office building or something of the sort. The only thing separating them from the Massachusetts State House now was the climb across a small wooden plank to the next building, a ladder leading down to the street and a mile south until they would reach the Firefly camp.
In other words, most of the tough shit was behind them. But before they would finish the journey across the abandoned city, Tess sat down to bandage her feet, while Amy stood a few feet away like a shadow.
"Go ahead," Joel shouted against the wind, which was a lot stronger up here than on the streets where the tall buildings sheltered them. "But don't fall off the plank."
"I'm not a fucking child," she yelled and didn't turn around again, confidently stepping onto the wood that was slightly arched after years exposed to wind, rain and the weight of many people who had used the small path to get to the other side of the city.
"Jesus… I wouldn't mind 'er fallin' down," Joel murmured and opened his bag to grab the bandage he had shoved into the depths of it.
When Tess didn't answer, he continued, babbling mindless things that had been in his head and that he hadn't been able to say out loud so far with Amy buzzing around them like a bee. He missed speaking freely the way he could when it was just him and her. He missed cracking a joke that probably wasn't funny to anyone else in the world, but after spending so much time with the same person, the two of them had developed their own very specific sense of humor, which was a mixture of morbid, malicious joy and nihilism.
"I can't believe Marlene's makin' us do this shit… What's gonna happen when they realize that it doesn't work, hm? Are we supposed to take 'er back to the QZ like two kindergarten teachers?"
"Can you shut up, Joel?" He flinched at her sharp voice, her eyes just two glimmering dark holes spitting fire at him.
"What – "
"Can you be hopeful for once in your life, Joel? Can you just maybe accept that there's a chance that this might work? Can you just – I don't know, dream for a second?"
"Tess, I…"
"No. Just – No. I can do this on my own. Go ahead. Make sure she doesn't fall off the roof."
He had no choice but to give in to her demands, handing her the bandage he had meant to wrap around her ankle so that his friend could rest her limbs for a moment. Joel was still unsettled as he rose to his feet, feeling his knees ache while he approached the wooden plank Amy had just successfully crossed.
Now, she was standing by the railing, letting her gaze wander over the city like she owned it. There was awe in the lines around her mouth, as well as respect.
"Well? What do you think?" he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"It's beautiful."
The light made her hair look golden and her skin gleam. Perhaps it was the remnants of the sweat that had gathered on her brow, but either way, it had the same pretty effect.
Pretty. Joel wanted to laugh out loud but suppressed the noise at the last moment. Pretty was the last thing he wanted to think about while his eyes rested on that woman. Not just because she was almost thirty years younger than him, but just as much because of how much he despised her presence, her nagging tone, her way of snapping at Tess and him while they were carrying her through this goddamn mess and making sure that she was fine.
Most importantly, of course, he didn't like her because that was how Joel was. He didn't like people. He respected them, like he did Tess. He hated them, like he did Marlene. Or he worried about them, like he did about Tommy. Amy… he felt annoyed by, if anything. Most of all, the girl was too insignificant to waste another thought on.
"You ever seen a city like that?"
"No," she replied shortly, pulling up the zip of her jacket. It was a lot colder up here, or at least it felt like it given the wind brushing against Joel's knuckles.
He scrunched his nose, leaving it at that. He had asked out of curiosity, but he felt no desire to get to know her any better, which was why he regarded the stillness, the spooky peacefulness of the wild city in silence.
Joel had always felt moved by nature reclaiming what was rightfully hers in such a profound way. Plants and vines weaving their way around fire poles, whole eucalyptus trees growing on the rooftop of the former city hall as though they couldn't have cared less about the relevance the building had once held.
"Ready?" Tess had sneaked her way up to them quietly and now lifted her chin, beckoning the others to follow her to the ladder leading down to the street along the front of the red brick building they were on.
Ten minutes later, Joel's shoulders tensed.
It wasn't like he had been fully relaxed during their hike along the straight avenue guiding them to the building they had already spotted half an hour ago, but now, with the trucks clearly visible before him, he fastened the strap of the rifle around his torso.
Everything looked normal so far, at least what Joel expected a firefly camp to look like. But then, as the three of them stood in front of the building, he narrowed his eyes.
Something was off. It was… quiet. Too quiet for the base of the most prominent resistance group, which, according to Amy, had even been joined by scientists and doctors needed to make a cure.
"What the fuck's goin' on here…" Joel muttered, not bothering to part his teeth. His gaze flickered over the trucks, the tires, the door, and then he harshly opened the driver's door of the nearest one.
"Shit…"
A guy fell out at once, making Tess and Amy jolt backward. He had a gaping wound on his head, eyes hollow and dead.
"What happened here?" Amy breathed, even though there was no need to keep her voice down after what Tess did next.
The woman cursed at no one in particular, grabbed Amy by the bicep and dragged her across the forecourt, heading for the gate.
"Tess," Joel warned her, but she didn't seem to listen. She kicked the door open, which gave him no choice but to follow, though his heart thundered up his throat as he raised the rifle.
"Shit… Shit, shit."
Joel heard his friend's words before he was able to take in the scene himself. Dead bodies. Sprawled across the floor like someone had come in here solely to butcher everyone within the walls of the building. Blood was everywhere, coating the white marble in an ugly scarlet.
"No. This can't be – " Tess plunged forward and towered over a small desk in the next moment. She seemed so eager to find something among the countless sheets of paper and cards that she even forgot to pull Amy along, who looked deeply uncomfortable standing beside her.
"Who was that?" she asked, but Joel was too occupied catching up with Tess's hot-headed temper.
"Tess. C'mon, Tess, what are you doing? We need to get back."
"No!" she hissed, turning so suddenly Joel nearly stumbled backward. She looked feral, almost possessed by a higher power, with her eyes wide open and her lips compressed.
"We don't go back, Joel. We go on, we – " She paused, her eyes lingering on something to Joel's right.
A body. On the ground, laboriously dragging itself across the floor to — Joel understood why Tess had faltered too late to stop her. His brain was still processing, trying to grasp what had driven his friend to be so upset and panicky, which was why he only shifted his eyes from the nearly dead man when Tess was already in the middle of opening every single plastic tank the fireflies must have taken with them, using the back of the rifle Joel had set down on the floor.
"Tess!"
At first, she didn't react, busy tipping the gasoline tanks over so that the liquid could spread across the ground. What the hell was she doing? What the hell did she think –
"She's infected."
Joel's brow creased, eyes landing on Amy's face. He noticed an expression he had never seen on her before. There was pity, but why was there pity? What had she just said, Tess was… infected?
"What?" Joel chuckled drily, watching as Tess rushed across the space like a rabid rabbit. By now, everything smelled of gasoline, mixed with the scent of blood that still heavily clung to the air.
"She's infected. Aren't you, Tess?"
"Tess?"
It was Joel's voice that seemed to wake her from her trance. She didn't stop at once, but her movements slowed until her hand came to rest weakly on one of the tanks she had been just about to push over.
"It had to happen sooner or later, right?" she whispered, standing up and taking a small step. "We were running out of luck, Joel."
"Tess."
"I'm gonna blow this place up. That asshole called all his new friends by pulling at the goddamn string. But it doesn't matter now. It's — over."
Before he could answer, perhaps ask what the hell was going on and why she hadn't told him up there on the roof, Tess rushed forward, ignoring the flinch that went through Joel's body.
"Take her, Joel."
A muscle beside his mouth ticked.
"All the shit we have done, Joel. Make it right. Make up for some of it."
His teeth ground so hard they creaked under the force.
"Take her to Bill and Frank. They will take her and get her there safely. They'll know what to do. They got supplies, everything they're gonna need. They can take the car and drive her to the fireflies and maybe – " Tess's voice broke. "Maybe it's gonna work. It might work, Joel. Just – Think about it. Think about – "
The lines around Joel's eyes grew more distinct as he jerked back once more.
As though his body was acting on his mind's behalf, his hand enclosed Amy's bicep. Automatically, like a machine. His grip was steel-like, firm, like Joel had no intention of letting go any time soon.
"What are you – " Amy stumbled, her arm wriggling to free itself, but of course she didn't stand a chance.
"Let me go, what are you doing?"
Now, Amy's whole body was squirming, her free hand flailing to hit Joel somewhere, but he mercilessly dragged her along with him like a doll. He felt numb, he didn't feel anything at all.
Even Amy's shouts, her pleas to let her go, went past him.
He was aware that she was shrieking, but his brain was sealed inside a water bubble, causing her voice to come through muffled and distant. There was a chance Tess was saying something too, but he wouldn't have known.
He left the dead bodies behind. His vision was blurry now as well, head spinning like a washing machine. Maybe Amy was still fighting and writhing like she was possessed, Joel didn't know. He wouldn't have cared either way.
When he walked out of the door and left the building behind, something in his stomach churned. Something subtle, not quite painful, yet Joel was so profoundly aware of it that it nearly made him lose his mind, made him want to ram his nails into his stomach and scoop his organs out of his body.
When his senses started to perceive his surroundings more clearly again, the smell of gasoline making its way past his nostrils, Joel picked up his pace.
By the time they reached the nearby forest, he was running, and even Amy seemed to understand that in order to survive this day, she couldn't stay within close range of the building.
So she sprinted by his side, though Joel's hand didn't loosen its taut hold around her arm.
Contains: canon-typical violence, graphic violence, blood and injury, character death (Tess), infection/cordyceps, guns and shooting, swearing, age gap, morally grey characters, angst, hurt, panic, fighting
Wordcount: 10,341
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel shook his head. Briefly.
"No."
Tess's lips tightened, neck flexing as she eyed Joel's face like she was checking something.
"I said no, Tess."
"Joel."
God… he hated how she said his name as though he were nothing but a stupid, rabid fighting dog with not an ounce of intelligence in his head. As though she could whistle and put him back on his leash any time she wished.
"You seriously wanna get involved in some firefly shit? You, out of all people, are you fuckin' kiddin' me?"
His gaze landed on Marlene for another beat, how she ran a hand over her brow, making her look like she was physically suffering from Joel and Tess taking so long.
"It's our only shot." She emphasized every single word, eyes dark and face unreadable.
Then, before Joel could protest, Tess freed herself from his bruising grip around her bicep and stepped toward Marlene, the other woman, whose name Joel had forgotten, and… Amy. At least, that was the noise Joel had been able to identify when Marlene had hissed something in her direction.
"We're gonna do it."
"Tess," Joel uttered, making it sound like an insult, but she just ignored him. Again, Joel felt like an animal that was too insignificant to speak to directly.
"Great." Marlene's shoulders dropped, her eyes slowly wandering to the young woman standing against the wall like she was trying to get swallowed by it.
"But we're not gonna let her go before we get our supplies. I swear to god, we don't have any problem shooting her when it comes down to it."
"I don't doubt that, Tess."
Marlene didn't even look at his partner while saying that and just approached the woman, who looked smaller than she was, pressed against the rancid wall.
"You okay?"
She nodded, though she looked a little pale. There were deep dark circles underneath her eyes, her lips bloody like someone had hit her. Joel wasn't so sure whether she was actually okay, but he couldn't have cared less.
"Okay. You got this, alright? Joel and Tess are gonna get you to the camp safely, and… they're gonna know what to do next. Just trust them. Not Joel and Tess, the people in the camp."
Marlene softly patted her shoulders, then turned toward the two others at last.
"Please. Don't fuck this up, okay?" she whispered weakly, reminding Joel of the gaping wound at her shoulder. "This is important. We're gonna provide you all the fucking equipment that you need. Whatever you want, we're gonna get it. Just keep her safe. Please."
Joel questioned what Marlene was trying to achieve by pleading with them since she must have known that out of all people, Tess and he were the last people to fall for her begging. Still, the part about getting them whatever they needed stood out to him. Whatever Tess had in mind for that girl, it must be important to her. Which consequentially gave them power.
"We will. If you do your part."
With that, Tess stepped aside, thrusting out her arm to signal the woman to come forward.
"C'mon."
She truly looked like a frightened lamb, throwing Marlene one last glimpse of doubt, but she was met with something resembling pity.
Yeah, Joel wasn't surprised. If Marlene had had the time for it, she probably would have showered the girl with advice about being careful around him and Tess while simultaneously apologizing for sending her off with them. It was no secret how much Marlene resented Joel and his methods, but for now, she depended on him.
If the life of her little pet was important to her.
Soon, the three of them were walking down the streets, dawn starting to settle upon the city. In the daylight, she seemed even paler, although her posture was a little more straightened, which made her look a whole inch taller.
"What's your name?" Tess said in her direction, grasping the straps of her backpack tightly.
"Amy."
"Amy… How old are you, Amy?"
"24."
It sounded like an interrogation, one that Joel didn't want to take any part in. He was just waiting to talk to Tess privately in order to berate her for making such stupid choices without his agreement, but so far, no such opportunity had presented itself.
"That's the one," Tess hummed, pointing to their apartment building, which looked especially rotten and dilapidated in the beautiful golden light that had spread through the streets. Without the dirty sidewalks and the occasional dead body, the scenery would have been almost pretty.
"That one?" Amy asked, and for the first time, Joel could spot a new emotion on her face. It was… disgust?
"Are you not satisfied with that one?" Tess growled and determinedly pushed the door open, silently inviting her in, but it seemed like Amy wasn't done yet regarding the front.
"S'not gonna get any prettier," Joel grunted, addressing her directly for the first time.
"How long are we gonna stay here?"
"As long as it takes."
He followed Tess inside, then held the door open a crack as if to tell her that she had about two seconds before he would close it.
"As long as it takes to do what?"
She received no answer. Joel was too annoyed with this whole goddamn day, and it seemed like even Tess had enough of all this shit.
Their heavy boots stomped on the stairs, causing dry dirt to dissolve from the underside of each step and drizzle down, perhaps into Amy's face, given that she was so far behind them. She climbed the staircase slowly, provoking Joel to wonder what she was looking for in here. A rat that they had woken up with their loud noises bouncing off the high ceiling? An open apartment door to dash through in order to not be forced to stay with Joel and Tess?
"Sit down," was the next thing Tess said once the three of them had entered the sparse room.
"I don't wanna sit," Amy muttered and folded her arms in front of her chest. Perhaps she was trying to look cool and unbothered, not at all intimidated by the two people significantly older than herself, but she only mildly succeeded.
"Okay. You can also stand all night if that's what you prefer," Tess commented.
"How long are we gonna stay here?" Amy asked, voice hollow and distant like part of her had given up on her defiant behavior. Well, if that was the case, she really was easy to break.
"As long as it takes to get dark. C'mon, Joel."
Tess stood up from the armchair seconds after she had plopped into it, gesturing for Joel to follow her. The woman guided him to the door, which made Amy furrow her brow in confusion.
"Where are you going?"
"To talk. In private."
"Why? Shouldn't I know about it too?"
Tess placed a hand on her shoulder, gently pushing her back. "No. This is just between Joel and me. Just… I don't know, sit on the couch. Try to sleep a little. Or you can take something from the kitchen if you're hungry."
Joel could feel his insides brewing once more, thinking that Tess was treating her much too nicely already. All they were supposed to do was get that woman to a firefly camp, nothing else. If Marlene was the amazing, saintly protector she claimed to be, she surely must have equipped Amy with something to eat.
Amy reluctantly strode back to the couch, circling their worn armchair like a predator, but Joel didn't find out what she did next as Tess pulled him out to the corridor.
"Before you start speaking – " the woman began, but this time, Joel, the vicious dog that he was, snapped first.
"What the fuck? What do you think you're doing here, Tess?"
"Joel."
This stupid word again. Sometimes, Joel believed that his friend thought he was able to tame his demeanor just by rolling his name past her lips like some magic spell.
"What?" he hissed, keeping his voice down in case Amy was eavesdropping.
"As I said, it's our best shot. We wanna find Tommy, don't we?"
"Don't bullshit me, Tess. Of course, I wanna find Tommy. But I'm not gonna drag some brat across the country and do all the shit work for Marlene."
"Have you listened to her earlier?" Tess's jaw worked, her eyes hungry all of a sudden. "I don't know what's up with her but she's important to Marlene. Just think of the possibilities… We're gonna bring her to that camp, put a gun to her head and tell them that before we let her go, we want everything. All the stuff in the world. A loaded truck, weapons, ammunition, food, compasses, maps, everything. The fireflies might be fucking idiots, but they're useful. They're gonna be useful to us."
Of course, Tess was right, Joel had to admit. They had a lot more options and connections than Tess and he had, and normally, if they wanted something, they always knew a guy who could get it. But that wasn't the part bothering him.
"But this – this girl, what are we gonna do with her? What's up with her? Why is she so important to Marlene that she'd ask us for help? I mean, come on, you know Marlene. Asking us for help must be her worst fucking nightmare."
"I know. I know, Joel… I have no fucking idea. But does it matter? I don't care about Marlene's motives."
Joel chewed on his tongue, casting Tess a skeptical glance.
"And… what if she's dangerous?"
"You think she's dangerous?" Tess laughed so loudly that Joel nearly hushed her.
"No I mean… Takin' 'er with us. What if… I don't know, there are dangerous people comin' after her?"
"Then we're gonna give 'er to them. It's easy, isn't it? We got nothing to lose, do we? If this mission fails, we're just gonna get back and find a new way to get a truck."
"You're makin' this sound really easy, Tess," Joel laughed humorlessly, shoving his hands into the front pockets of his jeans. "We're talkin' about smugglin' 'er out of the QZ. We can't just turn around and head back if something feels off."
"Relax, Joel, okay?" Tess sighed, nodding slowly as though to convince herself that everything was going to be fine. If only Joel could believe it the way she did.
"We're gonna find a way if that happens. We always find a way, don't we?"
To say that he was unsatisfied with her response to his concerns would have been an understatement.
But just as it was typical for her, Tess patted her hand on his shoulder, her attention already on something else, as he could see it in her eyes.
"I'm gonna meet Derek, get some more food for the road. But I'll head straight back when it's dark enough."
"Jesus, Tess…"
He threw his head back, chin jutted forward.
"What?"
"Nothin'…"
Yeah, in that moment, he kind of did feel like her dog, her good pet that bit when she commanded, backed off when she told him to and kept his drooling mouth shut when she demanded silence.
When Joel opened the door again, he had no idea whatsoever what to expect. He wouldn't have been surprised to see Amy climb out of the window, raid their kitchen or sleep soundly on the couch.
But no, he was spared all of it and just took in her slouched frame on the armchair.
At the noise of the door falling shut, she turned around, her eyes finding him in the dark and assessing whether Tess was right behind him. When she realized that Joel was alone, she rose to her feet, straightening up in front of him as though she were bracing herself for a fight.
"What happened? Are we gonna go?"
"No," was all he felt strong enough to bark, and let himself fall back into the cushions of the couch, which were soiled with cigarette stains, dirt and things that he didn't even want to identify. Not knowing what his only pair of jeans touched was better than feeling disgusted by it. Even though nowadays, it took a whole lot more than some rat shit to upset his stomach.
"Why not?" Amy's eyes followed him like lightbulbs in the darkness. Joel could have turned on the light, but for one, he didn't want her to think that he was keen to have a conversation with her, and secondly, he felt like perhaps getting an hour of sleep before they would move out of the QZ.
"'Cause we're gonna wait until it's dark outside. And the rain gets heavier."
"Why?"
"You ask a hell lotta questions."
Joel laid down sideways, head on the armrest and arms folded in front of his chest.
"I wanna know what's gonna happen. I think that's not so unusual."
Although everything inside him refused to spare her another glance, let alone waste his time speaking to this random girl, Joel sighed, thinking that his chances of getting some sleep would be higher if he managed to answer her questions and therefore shut her running mouth up.
"Rain's gonna cover us. Darkness too."
"Where's Tess?"
"Oh you picked up her name already…" Joel chuckled lowly. "Don't get too attached. She bites."
His eyes were closed, which was why he couldn't see Amy's reaction to his words.
"I know your name too. Joel."
"Congratulations."
His thoughts began to drift off, sleep washing over him, which made him slowly start to forget all about Amy in the chair next to him. He hadn't felt very tired before, but now that his body was resting comfortably, sore limbs eased away, the exhaustion became almost intolerable and he might just –
"What's this?" Joel's left eye opened at her nagging tone. Amy was pointing at his radio like it was a spaceship or some hypermodern capsule to teleport someone somewhere else.
"None of your business."
"Why are you so rude?"
He almost laughed, if he hadn't felt that rage roiling within his abdomen. Rude, well that was an appropriate term for him, wasn't it?
"Why can't you shut your damn mouth for a moment?"
He paused, waiting for another clapback from her, but when she lay back in the armchair, she looked like she was sulking.
"What's the deal with ya, hm? What does Marlene want with you?"
Amy pulled her knees up to her chest, arms tightly draped around them as though to protect herself from an invisible force in the room with them. Or, and Joel deemed that as more likely, from him.
"None of your business."
"You're a smartass, aren't ya? You think you can make your way through this shit by coming up with bratty replies and playin' the tough one."
He might have added something, just to scare that girl a little more. She surely wasn't half as tenacious as she pretended to be, given that every now and then, a light glint flashed in her eyes. Not one that broadcasted ruthlessness or anger but rather… uncertainty. Fear, perhaps. But in that moment, the door flew open and Joel didn't even have to turn around to know that it was Tess.
"The air in here is shitty," she barked and dropped into a chair like she hadn't seen sleep in days. Joel's attention shifted toward her in an instant, the fact that she was back so soon troubling him.
"What happened?"
"Asshole was gone. The door was locked."
"What does the rain look like?"
Tess shrugged, her gaze trailing off toward Amy who was still curled into a ball.
"Not great, but we're gonna have to do it anyway."
"Why tonight?"
Before Joel could snort in annoyance at another one of her irritating questions, Tess took the reins and approached her. "Has Marlene told you anything at all?"
"Funny coming from you," Amy spat, teeth grinding like she was an animal about to rip apart its prey.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You have no idea what's going on here. We could trade. Information, you know? You tell me about your plan, that radio and – and what the fuck you're doing and I'm gonna tell you about what Marlene wants."
"Not happening," Joel grunted and slowly rose to his feet.
Tess's eyes lingered on his face a little longer than necessary, assessing whether to add something, and figuring that the deal was sensible before she tilted her head toward Amy's bag.
"Get your stuff. We're leaving."
Rain was slamming into Joel's face, obstructing his view in a way that made him unable to see anything apart from the dark outlines of the tall buildings to his left and right, but once he accepted the fact that he would be soaked to his bones by the time they reached the fence, there was something clean and purifying about the drops running down his cheeks.
Tess led the way as always, only that this time, Amy was walking between them, sometimes struggling to keep up with Tess's fast pace since she seemed quite busy observing the houses around her.
Weird, Joel thought. Has she never been to Boston before? Goddamnit, where had Marlene found this girl? Had she picked her up from some gutter and found out that she had super powers that would defeat FEDRA?
Getting out of the QZ was an easy task given that Joel and Tess had sneaked their way out of the area a million times before, smuggling stuff in and out. Mostly drugs, of course. Tonight, it was nearly embarrassingly easy, considering that the soldiers had their hands full with the attacks the fireflies had planned all across the city just to distract them enough for three people to quietly slip out of the QZ.
A whole resistance group using up their supplies to plant useless bombs in different corners of the town. Just for a single girl. Marlene must have lost her mind.
But at least, it made everything a lot easier for Joel and Tess, who felt almost ridiculous shushing Amy at every given moment when she bumped into the fence or asked a question into the silence. The night was so quiet, he might as well have shouted his friend's name, and he wouldn't have gotten a reaction except for the wind carrying his words back to him.
"Which direction?" Amy was just asking when suddenly, a loud voice cut through the air.
"You must be fucking joking."
All three of them wheeled around, Amy's eyes widening in shock while Joel could only exhale with restrained fury.
Commandant fucking McConney. The guy he had sold drugs to earlier in exchange for cigarettes.
"I told you to stay inside, didn't I?" he growled, thrusting his rifle forward. "Hands up, right now. This is gonna be bad, guys… This is gonna be really fucking bad. Outside the QZ after curfew. You know what the punishment for that is, don't you?"
Tess let out a strangled groan, though she reluctantly raised her hands, gesturing for Amy to do the same.
"C'mon, man… We got lots of stuff. Ammo, food…"
"Ammo? Food? I'm FEDRA, you fucking morons. The only thing you can give me is your lives. Hands up."
Joel obeyed as well, even though his blood was throbbing in his veins, keeping him on high alert. He would have to talk to this guy. He knew him, he was a corrupt, impressionable man who easily bent the rules for his own benefit. Otherwise, why would he have traded with Joel, sometimes even giving out sensitive information for a couple of pills?
When McConney pulled out an infection scanner, Joel rolled his eyes and let out an inaudible scoff.
"Seriously?"
"Yep. We're doing this by the book."
"What, did they give you a promotion? Did it remind you of your fuckin' morals?" Joel knew that he was playing with fire provoking the man while he was obviously the one in power, but his own frustration over getting caught by this dumbass of all people outweighed every sense of survival instinct.
"Shut your mouth or I'm gonna shoot you right now."
After he was done with Joel, Amy was next. She stood surprisingly still, considering that all three of them were in big trouble, but then suddenly, she stirred.
At first, Joel thought she was just shifting her weight to her other foot, but when she let out a guttural snarl and threw herself at him, Joel's body jolted.
"Fucking bitch!" McConney exclaimed after his howl of pain, hinting that Amy might have hit him on his ankle. With what? Had Marlene equipped her with weapons?
Everything happened fast, the soldier grabbing the young woman by the bicep and dragging her backward until she fell down on her backside.
"You stupid bitch. You know that you just got yourself and your friends killed?"
"Don't."
Joel took one step to the side, shielding Amy from McConney's view. The man narrowed his eyes.
"Arms. Up."
"You don't wanna do this."
The bright light of the flashlight attached to his rifle stung his eyes painfully.
Without realizing it, Joel's pupils dilated, his teeth meeting ever so subtly it probably escaped McConney's notice.
His vision blurred, and this time, the rain wasn't at fault.
Suddenly, the picture before him shattered into fragments, some of them showing scenes that had happened a long time ago. Twenty long years ago.
They had a similar eye color. Joel remembered that hazel brown too well not to notice it.
And both shared that specific look, those lifted eyebrows and that twinkle around their pupils that resembled pity.
Perhaps it was their way of redeeming themselves from the evil crime they were about to commit by showing that they were not utterly unbothered by it.
Joel's heart skipped a beat, a high squealing note in his ears. Then, everything around him turned red, and a beat later, Joel was wrestling the soldier to the ground, panting heavily while his fists crashed into the guy's face over and over.
Blood splashed to all sides, teeth broke, but at least his victim couldn't keep up his cursing and whimpering for long. Joel had no idea how long he had been beating and disfiguring the soldier's face, but based on the silence that spread the moment he stopped, he assumed it had been long overdue.
His breathing was still labored and uneven, his body trembling as he straightened up.
Joel turned slowly, eyes streaking over Tess who was chewing on her bottom lip, emitting a mixture of accusation and begrudging concession.
Then there was Amy. She was still sitting on the ground, hands flat at her sides and eyes round. She relentlessly moistened her dry, brittle lips with her tongue until she realized that there was no use trying. Was she scared? Of him or of what she had just witnessed?
"Let's go. We gotta move," Tess commanded and picked up the dead soldier's rifle, sparing him no more than one last compassionate glance. "Poor guy. He was a rule-follower."
Joel didn't possess the energy it would have taken to tell her what a loser he had been.
"You okay?" Tess said in Amy's direction, offering her her hand.
"Y-Yes." The stammering and faint tremble of her voice didn't escape Joel, and neither did it seem to escape Tess.
"I'm sorry, but if Marlene told you that this would be a pleasant trip, she told you a fairytale."
"I'm okay," she whispered, grabbing Tess's hand at last, which helped her get to her feet.
"What the fuck."
Joel froze mid-motion. He had been about to take the rifle from Tess's hand, but the sound of her voice, her eyes blown wide with horror, made him whirl around and instinctively reach for his holster. Then, he saw it. The cordyceps scanner. The red it showed pierced through his irises aggressively, causing his head to spin and his throat to dry up.
"No. No, no, no, I can explain," Amy stuttered, her voice louder than it had ever been before.
"Don't move, goddamnit!" Joel shouted and angled the rifle's tip toward her. She immediately jerked backward, protectively raising her hands as if to calm an upset animal.
"Don't shoot. I swear, I can explain, I – I'm not infected. Please, you have to – "
"Oh yeah? You're tryna tell me that the machine's lying?" Tess exclaimed and took her place next to Joel, glaring down at her like she were venom.
"No, I – Yes, I have the virus inside me, but it's not spreading. It's dead. I'm immune."
While Tess softly hissed out through her clenched teeth, Joel laughed drily, tightening his grasp around the weapon.
"We have to shoot her right now." He shifted his weight between his feet, his eyes scurrying over her frame, scared to lose her in the darkness.
"No!" Amy choked out, taking a step back as if putting distance between herself and him would save her in case he pulled the trigger.
"Look. Look at my arm. I got bit two weeks ago. And nothing happened, please – just – "
Tess groaned as if she were in physical pain, rubbing her palm over her brow.
"We gotta move. Right now. C'mon."
"What, you wanna – "
"Now!"
Loud noises gushed from the fence. It seemed like they weren't the only ones who knew about McConney's death by now, chattering and agitated clamoring soaring through the air. Joel was driven by his hot temper, but he was not stupid enough to continue this discussion here.
"Let's go," he grumbled, not looking back for once as the three of them headed in the opposite direction of the QZ.
"Don't fucking move."
Tess lightly tilted her head to the side as if that angle would allow her more insight into her opposite's nature.
"What do you expect? You think I'm gonna turn into a monster any second? I told you I- "
"Well, we don't care about what you told us," Joel threw in and stood up, only to realize that there was absolutely no reason for it. So, he just rubbed his hands clean on his jeans, observing her precisely like the answer could be found in her face.
Perhaps he could spot early signs of an infection in her fluttering lashes or frantically moving pupils. But no, Amy seemed at ease. Except for the wrinkles upon her forehead, of course.
"Don't move an inch or we're gonna take it as a sign that you're infected, and we'll shoot you."
"What?" Tess lowered her gun slightly, still enough for Joel to raise the rifle. One of them should be ready to pull the trigger in case Amy made a sudden move.
"I promised Marlene not to tell anyone."
"That you're immune?" Joel scoffed, his grin broad but definitely not genuine.
"Yes, dumbass. I'm immune."
"Are you joking? Out of all the stupid stories you could've come up with, you pick this one? Immunity?"
Amy creaked, her elbows resting on her knees as she buried her face in her hands, threading through her hair.
"I know it's hard to believe. But I – I got bit two weeks ago. Of course, I expected to turn within the next few hours. But it didn't happen. Not in the first hours, not in the first days. Then I… I met Marlene, okay? Don't ask me how. And she – she came up with this stupid idea that I might be… you know. I was not convinced at first, I promise you that, but I stayed healthy. And the virus doesn't spread. You wanna see?"
Amy lifted her hand, provoking Joel's finger to ghost over the trigger.
"I said stay where you are."
"Jesus Christ… I just want to show you the bite mark. Why don't you two try to be a bit more practical and less stubborn? This psycho can continue to point the rifle at me while you check. Please. Look at it yourself."
She gave Tess a pleading look, all doe-eyed and innocent, and even before his friend had pushed herself up, Joel had already been able to tell that Amy's methods worked on her.
"Show me. But any sudden movements, and he shoots."
"I know. I know, jesus."
Joel couldn't see a lot from his point of view, but he was certain that for his taste, Tess spent much too long examining Amy's bite wound from all sides.
"Well? Tess?"
His friend didn't reply, which drove Joel near insanity.
"Tess," he hissed, his muscles coiling with heat when she dropped Amy's arm and walked back to the empty beer crates Joel and she had pulled up to sit on during their interrogation. Meanwhile, the young woman had to sit on the floor, cross-legged and clearly gripped by the fear that Joel was seconds away from landing a bullet in her chest.
"Looks good," Tess finally spoke, though her answer was not to his satisfaction at all. He had expected her to give him the green light to get this problem out of the world once and for all. But not this.
"What do you mean looks good?"
"I mean… it hasn't spread. Like she said."
Joel took a well-measured breath that only served to ground his thundering heartbeat, which fit well with the storm rioting in his brain, sweeping out every intelligent thought like an aggressive gust of wind.
"What, you're telling me you believe her?" Joel spat, and didn't care about not having this conversation with Tess in a private space. Amy should know all these things, how he felt about her and how much he wished they could resume their travels without her.
"No, I mean… I don't know, I just think that she's right about it… not spreading in her body. Or at least it looks like it."
"Of course it hasn't. Shit, you think Marlene would start a whole big ass distraction just to get someone out of the city who's about to turn any second?" Amy abruptly pulled her hand away, prompting Tess to drop her arm like she had burned herself.
"What does Marlene want with you," Joel asked, though it didn't sound like a question. His voice was low, dangerous and deliberate.
"Can't you guess?" She straightened up again, trying to make herself look as tall as possible sitting on the floor.
"No. And if I were you, I wouldn't try to be a smartass. Talk. I'm not scared of pulling the trigger. Now, what does Marlene want with you?"
Tess moved to the side a little as if to get out of the danger zone in case Joel decided to follow through and pull the trigger.
"She wants to make a cure," Amy sighed and bit down on her bottom lip, her face drawn like everything inside her refused to spell it out. "The fireflies have a bunch of doctors who are waiting in that camp. Marlene wants to help me get there so that they can take blood and find out what exactly in my body is different from everyone else."
"You gotta be shittin' me…" Joel growled, throwing down the rifle just because he had to move. His head was aching like someone had just bumped it against a wall, his stomach twisting with an indescribable anger.
No… it was pretty unambiguous, actually. He had just wasted his time, risked his life to get an infected brat out of the QZ, who might attack Tess and him in the next hours. All that just for a truck they should have stolen from someone else rather than doing Marlene's dirty work. No wonder she had asked the two of them instead of dragging along a stubborn girl who wasn't just rude and obnoxious but also infected.
"I'm serious," Amy quickly stated, rising to her feet, which made Tess step away from her.
"Oh my god, I'm not infected, okay? I haven't turned and I was bit two weeks ago. I promise. Why should I make this shit up?"
"So that we don't shoot you! Goddamnit, stay where you are. And put your fucking hands up." Joel grabbed the rifle again, his finger hovering an inch above the trigger. Frightened, Amy obeyed, though her glossy eyes were begging him to believe her ridiculous tale.
"Please. Tess."
"Tess is not gonna help you, kiddo. I got the rifle."
"Joel."
He wanted to scream.
"She's infected, Tess. You're not seriously considering – "
His eyes briefly flicked toward his friend who was walking back to take her place next to him.
"Just don't shoot. Wait. She is right, okay? The wound's not fresh and it's not spreading."
"Yeah, because she's lucky. Maybe she's got a day more, two tops. But she ain't gonna live."
Amy forcefully pushed her bag to the ground, then approached Joel with two determined strides.
"See for yourself," she hissed through clenched teeth, yanking up her sleeve to uncover her forearm.
There was a bite mark. Unquestionably from human teeth. It hadn't properly healed but it didn't look too fresh either. Her flesh was bulging, little lines running across her arm in irregular patterns like he had seen a million times before in the faces of the monsters he had faced in combat, but these lines… they looked done. Defeated. Joel didn't enjoy the sight in the slightest.
"Get your fucking hand away," Joel cursed and pushed against her wrist with the end of the weapon.
"I'm not gonna turn. Why do you think Marlene would've done all of this?"
"Because she's a fucking idiot. An optimist, a dreamer. Tess, you heard that story too. That cure that's gonna save us all, that's gonna fix the world and turn everything back to the way it was before. I fucking heard that tale before. It's not gonna happen, and it's about time those goddamn fireflies accepted it!" Joel gasped for air, his lungs burning terribly. His voice had sounded gruff and dark.
At least, that was what he had believed the moment after he was done.
A day later, as he wandered along the highway heading to the university, Joel wondered if he might have been wrong. Because if his tone had carried that dominance, that urgency, why had he lost the fight against Tess?
He couldn't even entirely remember how she had persuaded him not to shoot Amy on the spot but instead take her along toward the firefly camp like they had promised Marlene, but here he was now. His rifle pointing toward the houses standing tall beside them rather than at Amy, who was walking a few steps ahead next to Tess.
He faintly remembered Tess's steel eyes peering right through him while her mouth moved. The content of her words was lost on him… maybe something about carrying a little bit of hope? Something about it being worth a shot? The immense reward they were going to get for this?
"How did you get infected?" he heard Tess's voice in that moment, his ears sharpening. He didn't really care to learn that much about that woman, but even Joel, who had felt confused by some parts of her behavior, liked to know where she had been.
"That's a very long story…" Amy uttered, forcing Joel to pick up his pace just a little so that he was close enough to catch her quiet voice.
"C'mon. Tell me."
"Do I have to?"
A throaty chuckle spilled from Tess's lips, her hands moving to her front pockets. "What do you mean? You're asking if we're gonna leave you here by the highway if you don't tell us?"
"Maybe…" Amy whispered, head lowered.
"No. It's okay. Doesn't matter really, does it?"
Whereas Amy looked relieved by Tess's words, Joel was disappointed, a little mad even. Not only did his friend sound much too amicable with that stranger already, but he also would have liked to hear the answer to her question to get a rough picture of what kind of person she was. Whether she was the kind of woman who brought trouble.
"So, you were born before the outbreak, right?" Tess lazily kicked a stone away while Amy held onto the straps of her backpack.
"Yes. But just a few years before. I barely remember anything."
"Jesus… That's really insane. You know, it's weird to see a kid on the street and know that they haven't seen what the world was like before the outbreak, but it's even stranger to talk to a damn adult who has no idea. We're getting old, Joel."
Tess turned around, causing Amy's eyes to land on him as well. Hostility and... suspicion flared in her pupils, if his judgment was correct.
"My parents told me about some of it… And I read books."
"You can read?" Tess sneered, nodding approvingly. "Most of the kids today can't. Only the ones whose parents taught them or the ones who went to FEDRA school. Which one are you?"
"My parents taught me."
"They still around?" Tess was direct and crude, which Joel appreciated for once. He didn't like to feel her observing, revealing gaze upon his own face, but in this case, her curious questions saved the two of them a lot of time.
"N-No…" Amy stammered, her eyes darting helplessly between Tess's left and right eye.
"Since when?"
"They died when I was six."
Six. That meant not a lot of stability for a young child. No surprise she was such an easy victim for Marlene to mold and forge to her liking. That woman was probably already growing a mini version of herself with that girl.
"How?"
"I'm really – " Amy started, grazing her teeth over her lip. She seemed anxious, maybe even on the verge of tears, but if she had expected Joel to save her, she couldn't have been more wrong.
"It's okay. You don't wanna talk about it, I got it."
Tess gently patted her shoulder, which caused a flinch to ripple through her spine.
How very interesting.
"That's the one."
Amy wheeled around so quickly she nearly lost her balance, then reverently eyed up the building. It did look glorious with the picturesque embellishments on the ledges, the detailed flourishes above the windows, which were surprisingly well intact. The door was open a crack, which made the woman carefully glance at Tess, then him.
"So we're going in?"
"Of course we're going in."
Joel adjusted the strap of the rifle so that the weapon hung behind his back and his hands were free to carry a gun and a flashlight. Quickly, Amy put her bag down, opened a zipper and pulled out a flashlight as well, which she turned on without saying a word.
Only then, realizing that Joel and Tess were both ready to enter the building, she halted and grimaced like something was going through her mind.
"What?" Joel barked without paying any attention to his impolite tone.
"Maybe you should give me a gun too?"
"No fucking way," he spat at once, making a determined step toward the door. When he noticed Tess's hesitation, he might have screamed the frustration out of his lungs had his friend not spoken up faster.
"Maybe she should…"
"No. Fucking. Way," he repeated harshly.
"Why not?" Tess asked.
"'Cause I'm not gonna hand a gun to this – this stubborn brat like it's candy."
"I'm 24. Stop treating me like a fucking child, Joel."
"Oh yeah? You don't wanna be treated like a child? Then you better start acting like an adult."
"I'm not the one acting like a pouty kid who's mad for some reason like I stole his favorite chocolate or something."
"Stop. Both of you." Tess stepped between them, jaw taut, though she radiated a certain tranquility with the way she drew a heavy breath and held herself.
"Fine. No gun for you, 'cause these are actually Joel's so it's not my choice to make. Sorry, kid."
"I'm not a kid. Stop calling me that."
Tess stared at her for a beat, taking in her chin jutted forward, her flashing eyes, her messy hair.
"Fine, okay. Amy."
"Quiet."
He could watch Amy's eyes widen in real time as her mind slowly processed, then categorized the noises she had just heard.
"What do we do?" she breathed, barely audible to Joel, and yet he raised his finger to hush her.
"We go upstairs," he decided for the whole group, ignoring Tess's half-hearted protests.
The staircase was shattered and gaped with cracks that one couldn't quite see when carefully taking one step after another, but would feel painfully when someone's foot got stuck.
"Look at the ground," Joel warned Amy, who was running her eyes up to the ceiling as though the biggest dangers were lurking within the mildew spreading across the walls. What was she thinking? And why did the most incapable person of all happen to be the one who was immune to the cordyceps? If Marlene's assumptions were right after all.
Joel took Amy by the arm for the last few feet across the corridor, then rudely shoved her inside the museum room.
"Act like one," he mouthed, referring to all the things that had poured out of him earlier, but the woman just clenched her teeth and rubbed her bicep where Joel had gripped her.
Everything was dark in here, except for the little dots their flashlights cast upon the ground. The place had once been an exhibition of reptiles and fish, but nowadays, the only thing hinting at it was the large skeleton in the center of the room, which once might have been the heart of the museum. Now, it just looked gruesome with the thick layer of dust upon it and the bones spread out across the parquet floor.
"Shit," Tess suddenly cursed, her flashlight dancing over the door they had just come through.
"What?"
"Did you hear that?"
Joel paused, listening to his own heartbeat rather than getting distracted by the crushed glass all over the floor. Fuck.
"Clicker," he panted and rapidly tried to take in as much as he could of the large hall, looking for cupboards to hide inside, glass cabinets they could break in order to send the infected the wrong way.
"What do we do, Joel?" Tess asked and raised her gun, knuckles turning white, and so did her face. Joel inhaled deeply, nostrils flaring. Then, he grabbed Amy by her arms once more, pushing her backward until her back met the wall behind her.
"We're gonna be silent now. Not quiet. Silent. You hear them?"
"Yes," she whispered, sheer terror etched into her features in a way that sent a cold shudder through Joel's body.
"Good. They can't see. But they can hear. You're gonna stick to Tess and me, move when we say it and stop when we say it. Clear?"
"Yes."
As Joel let go of her, her pupils grazed the gun in his hand. Perhaps it would have been wise to arm her as well, but there was no time for it.
The noises of the Clickers grew louder, indicating that they were moving in their direction. If there was something he had learned over the past years, it was that they heard every single needle drop, every single whisper, no matter if it was closer to a breath than spoken words. There was a chance Joel had already messed up by not keeping his voice down entirely.
A minute later, Joel, Tess and Amy were pressed against a glass cabinet, heads resting against it while two Clickers meandered past them. The air turned sharp and thin all of a sudden, though it might just have been his lungs working slower than they usually did.
Blunt fear had a firm hold on him, although Joel knew how counterproductive and harmful it was. Rather than helping him, it hindered his movements, slowed his pace and clouded his mind dangerously.
He took a small step forward once the Clickers had walked past them for the second time. All three of them crept along the case, their faces so close to the glass it fogged beneath their breaths.
Crack. Joel's muscles seized painfully, his stomach lurching. Then, everything happened very quickly.
The air, previously so still except for the quiet, rhythmical clicking of their opponents, was filled with ugly squealing and yelps. Keen-eared as they were, they immediately threw themselves against the glass cabinet, which gave way under their weight and shattered into a million sharp little pieces.
Joel gasped, Tess shrieked, and Amy? Joel didn't know. The next thing he knew, he was dashing toward the secondary exit on the third floor beside Amy, whom he pulled along with him. Of course, they didn't make it far — not that Joel would have left without Tess — and the taller of the Clickers appeared to their right.
The unnatural yell it let out didn't have the effect it had had on him years ago, which was why Joel's face remained stoic as he dragged Amy behind him to shield her while he shot the Clicker over and over again. Soon, the air smelled of gunfire and a strident tone was ringing in his ears, yet the infected still stood.
"C'mon," he barked in Amy's direction, but didn't give her a choice anyway as he ran in the opposite direction and tugged her with him.
Once they had crossed the entire length of the building, passing yellowed information boards and the rotten remnants of little benches, Joel led the two of them behind another cabinet.
He brought a finger to his lips, signaling Amy to stay silent while he closed his eyes. Joel could always hear better when his other senses were shut down. If only there wasn't that thick scent of smoke in his nose. Perhaps it came from Tess's pistol. He prayed it came from Tess, and that she had successfully defended herself against the other Clicker.
Shit, he should be there with her rather than dragging that bratty girl along with him, who would probably not even thank him for saving her.
There. Another sound.
Joel had no clue whether it was the Clicker they had just fled from, but the moment it was close enough for him to assess its exact position, he stepped out from behind the cabinet and blindly pulled the trigger. Again, and again, and again.
Then, finally, its dark frame crumpled and collapsed into a disfigured mess of angular limbs stretched in all directions. Joel delivered one more shot to its head, making sure it really was dead before he turned toward Amy, who was still crouching against the glass.
"C'mon," he whispered and tipped his head.
There were noises not far away, and he could only hope that the reason they soared through the air was that the Clicker was fighting for its life right now.
Joel's feet carried him quickly to the source of the squeals despite the heaviness in his bones that just wouldn't give him the needed strength. What should he expect? Ten years ago, he probably would have had the energy to kill five of those Clickers without the twitch of an eyelash, and now he felt his power fade after a single combat. Which hadn't even really been combat.
"Joel," Amy whispered, but his eyes remained strictly on the floor before him. Then, Joel's gaze finally fell upon the horrendous scene of Tess struggling beneath the weight of a Clicker even more bloodthirsty and mad than the one they had just encountered. He quickly put an end to it by shooting the infected through its head.
When Tess stood on both her feet again, wiping down her jacket in disgust, all three of them were panting heavily, sweat pooling at Joel's temple even though the danger was momentarily at bay.
"You okay?" he wanted to know, examining her body as well as he could.
"Yeah. Are you?"
"I think so. Yes."
He had stayed far enough away for the Clicker not to bury its teeth in his flesh, so he should be fine. If he wasn't wrong about the pain in his foot, he might have strained his ankle while bolting with Amy, but it was nothing that wouldn't heal neatly within a few days. Joel had gone through worse.
"You too?"
The girl who refused to be called a girl nodded lightly. "Yeah. Of course."
Of course. What a nice way to put it for someone who hadn't lifted a finger because she'd had the privilege of being taken care of by him.
"Good. Let's get out of here now. Before we get more visitors."
The light shining in his face was such a vast contrast to the darkness that had surrounded him for the past minutes that Joel briefly felt excitement bubble in his stomach, though he had no intention of feeling happy, let alone relieved that they had made their way out of the museum.
Now, they were on top of the roof of the neighboring building, a former office building or something of the sort. The only thing separating them from the Massachusetts State House now was the climb across a small wooden plank to the next building, a ladder leading down to the street and a mile south until they would reach the Firefly camp.
In other words, most of the tough shit was behind them. But before they would finish the journey across the abandoned city, Tess sat down to bandage her feet, while Amy stood a few feet away like a shadow.
"Go ahead," Joel shouted against the wind, which was a lot stronger up here than on the streets where the tall buildings sheltered them. "But don't fall off the plank."
"I'm not a fucking child," she yelled and didn't turn around again, confidently stepping onto the wood that was slightly arched after years exposed to wind, rain and the weight of many people who had used the small path to get to the other side of the city.
"Jesus… I wouldn't mind 'er fallin' down," Joel murmured and opened his bag to grab the bandage he had shoved into the depths of it.
When Tess didn't answer, he continued, babbling mindless things that had been in his head and that he hadn't been able to say out loud so far with Amy buzzing around them like a bee. He missed speaking freely the way he could when it was just him and her. He missed cracking a joke that probably wasn't funny to anyone else in the world, but after spending so much time with the same person, the two of them had developed their own very specific sense of humor, which was a mixture of morbid, malicious joy and nihilism.
"I can't believe Marlene's makin' us do this shit… What's gonna happen when they realize that it doesn't work, hm? Are we supposed to take 'er back to the QZ like two kindergarten teachers?"
"Can you shut up, Joel?" He flinched at her sharp voice, her eyes just two glimmering dark holes spitting fire at him.
"What – "
"Can you be hopeful for once in your life, Joel? Can you just maybe accept that there's a chance that this might work? Can you just – I don't know, dream for a second?"
"Tess, I…"
"No. Just – No. I can do this on my own. Go ahead. Make sure she doesn't fall off the roof."
He had no choice but to give in to her demands, handing her the bandage he had meant to wrap around her ankle so that his friend could rest her limbs for a moment. Joel was still unsettled as he rose to his feet, feeling his knees ache while he approached the wooden plank Amy had just successfully crossed.
Now, she was standing by the railing, letting her gaze wander over the city like she owned it. There was awe in the lines around her mouth, as well as respect.
"Well? What do you think?" he said, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"It's beautiful."
The light made her hair look golden and her skin gleam. Perhaps it was the remnants of the sweat that had gathered on her brow, but either way, it had the same pretty effect.
Pretty. Joel wanted to laugh out loud but suppressed the noise at the last moment. Pretty was the last thing he wanted to think about while his eyes rested on that woman. Not just because she was almost thirty years younger than him, but just as much because of how much he despised her presence, her nagging tone, her way of snapping at Tess and him while they were carrying her through this goddamn mess and making sure that she was fine.
Most importantly, of course, he didn't like her because that was how Joel was. He didn't like people. He respected them, like he did Tess. He hated them, like he did Marlene. Or he worried about them, like he did about Tommy. Amy… he felt annoyed by, if anything. Most of all, the girl was too insignificant to waste another thought on.
"You ever seen a city like that?"
"No," she replied shortly, pulling up the zip of her jacket. It was a lot colder up here, or at least it felt like it given the wind brushing against Joel's knuckles.
He scrunched his nose, leaving it at that. He had asked out of curiosity, but he felt no desire to get to know her any better, which was why he regarded the stillness, the spooky peacefulness of the wild city in silence.
Joel had always felt moved by nature reclaiming what was rightfully hers in such a profound way. Plants and vines weaving their way around fire poles, whole eucalyptus trees growing on the rooftop of the former city hall as though they couldn't have cared less about the relevance the building had once held.
"Ready?" Tess had sneaked her way up to them quietly and now lifted her chin, beckoning the others to follow her to the ladder leading down to the street along the front of the red brick building they were on.
Ten minutes later, Joel's shoulders tensed.
It wasn't like he had been fully relaxed during their hike along the straight avenue guiding them to the building they had already spotted half an hour ago, but now, with the trucks clearly visible before him, he fastened the strap of the rifle around his torso.
Everything looked normal so far, at least what Joel expected a firefly camp to look like. But then, as the three of them stood in front of the building, he narrowed his eyes.
Something was off. It was… quiet. Too quiet for the base of the most prominent resistance group, which, according to Amy, had even been joined by scientists and doctors needed to make a cure.
"What the fuck's goin' on here…" Joel muttered, not bothering to part his teeth. His gaze flickered over the trucks, the tires, the door, and then he harshly opened the driver's door of the nearest one.
"Shit…"
A guy fell out at once, making Tess and Amy jolt backward. He had a gaping wound on his head, eyes hollow and dead.
"What happened here?" Amy breathed, even though there was no need to keep her voice down after what Tess did next.
The woman cursed at no one in particular, grabbed Amy by the bicep and dragged her across the forecourt, heading for the gate.
"Tess," Joel warned her, but she didn't seem to listen. She kicked the door open, which gave him no choice but to follow, though his heart thundered up his throat as he raised the rifle.
"Shit… Shit, shit."
Joel heard his friend's words before he was able to take in the scene himself. Dead bodies. Sprawled across the floor like someone had come in here solely to butcher everyone within the walls of the building. Blood was everywhere, coating the white marble in an ugly scarlet.
"No. This can't be – " Tess plunged forward and towered over a small desk in the next moment. She seemed so eager to find something among the countless sheets of paper and cards that she even forgot to pull Amy along, who looked deeply uncomfortable standing beside her.
"Who was that?" she asked, but Joel was too occupied catching up with Tess's hot-headed temper.
"Tess. C'mon, Tess, what are you doing? We need to get back."
"No!" she hissed, turning so suddenly Joel nearly stumbled backward. She looked feral, almost possessed by a higher power, with her eyes wide open and her lips compressed.
"We don't go back, Joel. We go on, we – " She paused, her eyes lingering on something to Joel's right.
A body. On the ground, laboriously dragging itself across the floor to — Joel understood why Tess had faltered too late to stop her. His brain was still processing, trying to grasp what had driven his friend to be so upset and panicky, which was why he only shifted his eyes from the nearly dead man when Tess was already in the middle of opening every single plastic tank the fireflies must have taken with them, using the back of the rifle Joel had set down on the floor.
"Tess!"
At first, she didn't react, busy tipping the gasoline tanks over so that the liquid could spread across the ground. What the hell was she doing? What the hell did she think –
"She's infected."
Joel's brow creased, eyes landing on Amy's face. He noticed an expression he had never seen on her before. There was pity, but why was there pity? What had she just said, Tess was… infected?
"What?" Joel chuckled drily, watching as Tess rushed across the space like a rabid rabbit. By now, everything smelled of gasoline, mixed with the scent of blood that still heavily clung to the air.
"She's infected. Aren't you, Tess?"
"Tess?"
It was Joel's voice that seemed to wake her from her trance. She didn't stop at once, but her movements slowed until her hand came to rest weakly on one of the tanks she had been just about to push over.
"It had to happen sooner or later, right?" she whispered, standing up and taking a small step. "We were running out of luck, Joel."
"Tess."
"I'm gonna blow this place up. That asshole called all his new friends by pulling at the goddamn string. But it doesn't matter now. It's — over."
Before he could answer, perhaps ask what the hell was going on and why she hadn't told him up there on the roof, Tess rushed forward, ignoring the flinch that went through Joel's body.
"Take her, Joel."
A muscle beside his mouth ticked.
"All the shit we have done, Joel. Make it right. Make up for some of it."
His teeth ground so hard they creaked under the force.
"Take her to Bill and Frank. They will take her and get her there safely. They'll know what to do. They got supplies, everything they're gonna need. They can take the car and drive her to the fireflies and maybe – " Tess's voice broke. "Maybe it's gonna work. It might work, Joel. Just – Think about it. Think about – "
The lines around Joel's eyes grew more distinct as he jerked back once more.
As though his body was acting on his mind's behalf, his hand enclosed Amy's bicep. Automatically, like a machine. His grip was steel-like, firm, like Joel had no intention of letting go any time soon.
"What are you – " Amy stumbled, her arm wriggling to free itself, but of course she didn't stand a chance.
"Let me go, what are you doing?"
Now, Amy's whole body was squirming, her free hand flailing to hit Joel somewhere, but he mercilessly dragged her along with him like a doll. He felt numb, he didn't feel anything at all.
Even Amy's shouts, her pleas to let her go, went past him.
He was aware that she was shrieking, but his brain was sealed inside a water bubble, causing her voice to come through muffled and distant. There was a chance Tess was saying something too, but he wouldn't have known.
He left the dead bodies behind. His vision was blurry now as well, head spinning like a washing machine. Maybe Amy was still fighting and writhing like she was possessed, Joel didn't know. He wouldn't have cared either way.
When he walked out of the door and left the building behind, something in his stomach churned. Something subtle, not quite painful, yet Joel was so profoundly aware of it that it nearly made him lose his mind, made him want to ram his nails into his stomach and scoop his organs out of his body.
When his senses started to perceive his surroundings more clearly again, the smell of gasoline making its way past his nostrils, Joel picked up his pace.
By the time they reached the nearby forest, he was running, and even Amy seemed to understand that in order to survive this day, she couldn't stay within close range of the building.
So she sprinted by his side, though Joel's hand didn't loosen its taut hold around her arm.
This story should only be read by people over 18 years as it contains adult content. MDNI!!
Rating: Explicit
Fandom: Inspired by The Last of Us
Status: Ongoing
You can find the following themes in this story: smut, unprotected sex, oral sex (m & f receiving), breast play, praise, possessiveness, dirty talk, dom/sub dynamics, choking, fingering, control kink, kissing, power imbalance, Joel feeling guilty about sleeping with Amy, Joel killing everyone to protect the person he loves, canon typical themes, blood, injury, no Ellie (I'm sorryyy), violence, angst, panic attacks, insomnia, grief, loss, emotional vulnerability, morally questionable behavior (don't take them as an example pls), large age gap (24&52), guilt, anger, coldness, indifference, dependency relationship
Summary:
What if Ellie hadn’t been the one Marlene found that day? What if Joel had been forced to take an older girl across the country instead?
The mission is simple and nothing a trained fighter like himself can't manage. Keep Amy safe, protect her from raiders, hunters, or worse. The mission he sets for himself is easy as well. Stay out of the Fireflies’ business and get rid of her as quickly as possible.
But there may be one thing neither the mission nor his plan can protect her from, and that's himself.
This story should only be read by people over 18 years as it contains adult content. MDNI!!
Rating: Explicit
Fandom: Inspired by The Last of Us
Status: Ongoing
You can find the following themes in this story: smut, unprotected sex, oral sex (m & f receiving), breast play, praise, possessiveness, dirty talk, dom/sub dynamics, choking, fingering, control kink, kissing, power imbalance, Joel feeling guilty about sleeping with Amy, Joel killing everyone to protect the person he loves, canon typical themes, blood, injury, no Ellie (I'm sorryyy), violence, angst, panic attacks, insomnia, grief, loss, emotional vulnerability, morally questionable behavior (don't take them as an example pls), large age gap (24&52), guilt, anger, coldness, indifference, dependency relationship
Summary:
What if Ellie hadn’t been the one Marlene found that day? What if Joel had been forced to take an older girl across the country instead?
The mission is simple and nothing a trained fighter like himself can't manage. Keep Amy safe, protect her from raiders, hunters, or worse. The mission he sets for himself is easy as well. Stay out of the Fireflies’ business and get rid of her as quickly as possible.
But there may be one thing neither the mission nor his plan can protect her from, and that's himself.
Part three to my little series hihi... You can read part one here and this is based on this request, enjoy :)
Joel breaks up with you because he's scared Sarah is going to find out about the two of you. What follows makes him question his decision.
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, finger sucking, dirty talk, fingering, interrupted sex, secret relationship, age gap, angst, fighting, hurt/comfort, crying, panic, temporary breakup, Joel being an idiot about his feelings, celebrity!reader, old grumpy Joel, emotional breakdown, instagram stalking, fluff
Wordcount: 7,093
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Joel thrust his hips forward slowly, watching his cock disappear in you before his gaze caught on your lips.
"Open your mouth, sweetheart."
You obeyed, a muscle next to your eye ticking as he entered your mouth with two fingers.
"You look so pretty like that, you know that?" Joel whispered and flexed his arms on purpose, knowing how weak in the knees you got seeing his muscular biceps and forearms. Fortunately, you were sitting on the desk in your room anyway, so it wouldn't really matter if your legs gave in.
"All full of me… So beautiful, baby."
He was teasing you with his gentle, almost careful pushes, and he was well aware of it. You were probably thinking that he did it to be kind because he was scared to overwhelm you, but no… he knew that you could take it. He just wanted to play with you a little bit.
"Oh my god. Joel, feels – really good. Really…. Oh shit." Your hands, previously clinging to the side of his face, dropped to his shoulder where they stroked along his skin, eyes rolling in the back of your head at how strong and thick his neck was.
"Joel, you – you need to cum soon. I gotta – I gotta answer some more emails… And I have to – call my publicist…" You tilted your head to the side with your eyes closed, which made you look like you weren't fully in the moment but rather captivated by the feverish dreams happening in your mind.
"You ain't gotta do anything, baby…" Joel chuckled, his thumb finding your clit and his hips picking up the pace at last. "You just need to enjoy yourself… Even famous people deserve a little break from time to time."
"Owww," you howled and dug your heels a little deeper into his back as though to beckon him closer.
"I know… I know you need that break, princess. Let me take care of ya. I promise, you'll feel good as new." With that promise ringing in your ears, you relaxed a little beneath him, fingers slackening and loosely tracing the stitching of his old Rolling Stones band t-shirt that he had quickly pulled over his head in the morning.
"Wanna… Need to see you, Joel," you murmured.
Joel was just about to reach for the hem of the clothing, thinking about whether there was a way not to pause his thrusts while undressing himself, when there was a noise in the distance. The two of you froze, even you perceived the sound and seemed to wake from that drowsy state you had been in.
"Fuck," you hissed and let go of him like you had burned yourself.
"Who the fuck is that?" Joel grunted, already feeling his veins scorch with jealousy. Whoever was entering your house had to be close to you if they possessed keys –
"Hello?"
Joel's eyes almost doubled in size, teeth grinding while your features drew with despondency. "What the fuck – "
"I know, I'm sorry, I – I forgot that I gave Sarah the keys. I needed her to pick something up on Thursday, and then I – Oh shit… shit, shit, shit."
Joel quickly tucked his softened cock in, but you were already frantically gesturing to the bathroom.
"Fast. And don't come out until I say so!"
"Jesus…" The word was sharp and cutting like the hissing of a snake, his head spinning, but Joel found that he had no choice but to follow your instructions.
As he opened the door and quietly shut it behind him, he felt humiliated and degraded. He wasn't a goddamn teenage boy who had to leave through the window because his girlfriend's parents had shown up earlier than she had expected. For god's sake. Well, what was he supposed to do now but wait? While you were somewhere in the house, chatting with his daughter, who had no idea about what parts of her boss's body he had just touched… He could only pray that you were acting casually and weren't losing it like he was.
The next day, Joel did a whole lot of thinking. Which he probably should have done earlier.
His initial reaction after coming home the night before was relief over the fact that Sarah hadn't found him in your bathroom and that he had been able to leave your home half an hour later while you had showered him with apologies.
"S'okay," Joel had muttered through clenched teeth, pulling you in for one last hug to make that feeble glint in your eyes disappear. You were a mess, and Joel couldn't help but wonder how you had made it through your rather short discussion with Sarah without her noticing anything.
"S'okay, 'lil bird. She didn't notice anything."
What he didn't tell you was how deeply his own doubt sat.
Sure, he pretended to be calm in order to soothe you and assure you that you could spend a carefree night without thinking about what would have happened if Joel and you hadn't been that fast, but on his drive home, Joel was unable to keep the pictures out of his head.
What if the two of you hadn't heard the door? What if you hadn't kept the bedroom door open? What if something like this happened again and a single detail went differently?
Now, Joel was home again. The first thing he did was close his curtains. He figured that his need for privacy had something to do with what had just happened over at your place, but he didn't care to explore that feeling any deeper, so he just sank into the couch with a low groan and a cold beer in his hand.
Jesus… What had he gotten himself into? All he had done was fuck his daughter's hot boss once and now here he was, sneaking around and hiding in bathrooms. At least it had been a pleasant bathroom. Joel scratched his temple, his head aching with thoughts, some more pleasant than others.
Some part of him was caving, urging him to call you right now, tell you that he could never see you again and pray that Sarah would never mention your name again. Things had escalated, he had lost himself in his enjoyment with you, and the easiest way to fix it was to take care of it with a sharp cut. Just like ripping off a plaster. It might hurt and even cause you to fight him over his choice, but eventually, the both of you would see that it was for the best. You would have the chance to meet someone your own age, who you could actually be seen with, and Joel… he would get back to his own life. A life without your cheerful nature, but one that was less stressful.
But then again… would he be able to do that? Or was he too selfish? And was all of this agitation even necessary, or was he simply freaking out because of the recent mishaps? Maybe he would wake up tomorrow, craving your touch and deeming his ideas from the night before as wild and ridiculous.
Joel grunted quietly, taking a sip from his beer. It was cold and the carbonation was pleasantly prickling on his tongue, yet he missed the usual effect it had on him. A cold beer stood for relaxed evenings when he could stretch his sore muscles and rest his heavy lids. But he wasn't relaxed at all. In fact, his heart was still galloping like it did when he heard the keys turn in your front door, even though the incident had happened almost two hours ago.
The ugly thoughts swirling around Joel's head stuck around until the next morning.
He had anticipated waking up washed clean of them, but unfortunately, Joel found his brain instantly focusing on the things he had thought about the night before. In some way, he even felt as though they hadn't left his mind overnight. Maybe he had dreamt about them without realizing it? Maybe that was why Joel didn't feel energetic and ready for the day? At least it was Sunday, so his work wouldn't suffer from his deranged state of mind and he could rot away in the comfort of his own home.
One thing was for sure, Joel thought as he sat down at the kitchen table, a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He needed to do something, and there were many reasons to pick up his phone now to call you. He had to make sure that you were doing okay after last night's chaos, he had to ask what he had entirely forgotten to ask last night – what Sarah had wanted from you so late – and then… Yes, what? Discuss with you how the two of you would proceed from now on in order to prevent something like that from happening again?
Automatically, his brain jumped to Sarah again. She was thriving now that she was living in the big city and had the job she had always dreamed of. Joel couldn't put into words how immensely proud he was of her, and he was positive that Sarah knew that too. Just… Would their good relationship change if she found out that her father was hooking up with her boss behind her back? She most certainly would feel betrayed and lied to. But what else? Would she curse Joel for bringing so much chaos into the little cosmos she had built for herself? Would she be upset about him sneaking his way into that part of her life, and taking something away from her that was just for her?
Hurting Sarah was what Joel wanted to avoid at all costs, no matter how much he relished the time with you. Sarah was his daughter, the most important person in his life. He couldn't think of anything other than sheer disappointment and anger pouring over him if she ever caught the two of you together. And Joel couldn't even blame her. Hell, he hated himself for interfering with her work in such a way. Gosh… he really had messed up, hadn't he?
Gripped by pure and stirring panic, Joel reached for the phone. He made two typos as his fingers smashed into the buttons, which forced his heartbeat to thunder in his chest even more rapidly than it already did. But then, it was done. You picked up after the third ring, your voice a little raspy, so he assumed that you hadn't been up for long.
Fuck, he really wasn't supposed to know what your voice sounded like in the first minutes of the morning, was he?
"Hey," Joel growled into the speaker, tapping the fingers of his left hand on the desk's surface.
"Joel… hey. How are you?"
"Good. Good, yes," he spoke a little too quickly and shook his head briefly. "What about you?"
"Ehm… Good, too?" Of course, you could read him like an open book even through the phone line.
"Listen." Joel paused, releasing a deep breath that he hadn't been aware of holding until now.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"We gotta stop this, y/n."
"Stop what?" you scoffed, seemingly yet to understand what Joel was referring to. Jesus Christ, this was tormenting.
"The thing between… us."
"What? Wait, are you saying – " Your voice started to crack, the first hints of panic shining through, which prompted his stomach to twist.
"I'm… I'm sorry, y/n. For doin' this like that."
"Doing what like that, Joel, what are you talking about?"
"We can't see each other any longer. I'm sorry."
From the sound of it, you were putting your phone down on a hard surface.
"So is this because of yesterday? You're scared that Sarah – that she's gonna find out? I promise, Joel, we're gonna be more careful. We can do this, I was just – I was stupid last night. I wasn't careful enough, but it won't happen again. If we pay better attention, something like that won't happen again."
Joel sighed heavily, head dropped forward while wave after wave of painful dread rippled through him. His instincts were simple: take the words back, tell you that everything was going to be fine and that he believed your promise that you wouldn't let it happen again. But he couldn't listen to those instincts right now. He had to keep a cool head, shove his feelings to the side and do what was right after keenly acting upon his desires for the past weeks.
"I'm sorry, y/n. But it… you see it yourself, don't ya?"
"See what?" you hissed, voice shaky like you were about to cry any moment.
"You… you're a singer. A world-famous pop star. And I… I don't fit into that kind of life. S'not where I belong."
"What?" you breathed, giving Joel a moment to gather himself and form the next words.
"I belong in my town, with the people I know and the job I know. Not in your shiny, glittery world. You know that, sweetheart. You gotta be honest with yourself."
"What – No," you exclaimed, louder now. "Joel, are you fucking kidding me? You – You feel bad about yesterday and I understand that, but there's no reason to come up with that stupid lie. This is not about fitting into my life. What are you even talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about – "
"No. I don't."
There was a pause, both your breathing heavy. A hot pain stung behind Joel's eyes, making him rub his lids with his thumbs.
"I'm not gonna give up like you are. Yes, I messed up the other night. And I'm really sorry. But we have a good time. We – We can make this work. We have to make it work, Joel, and I – "
"Darling."
You stopped at once, perhaps it was the nickname or his tone, which was laced with quiet, restrained urgency.
"I had a good time with you. And I thank you for… shit, for takin' me on that trip with you." Joel paused to listen for any comment from you, but there was silence on the other end. "But I have a life to live. I know your life is different. Maybe it works for you like that, but it doesn't for me."
"But we can make it work, Joel, we can change this so – "
"I met someone."
Another long silence stretched, which made Joel feel so grateful and unbelievably sorry that he couldn't see your face right now. Were you crying? Or was he thinking too highly of himself to assume that you might?
"What?" you choked, your voice strangled as though a firm vice had wrapped around your throat and cut off your air supply.
"I'm sorry."
"What do you mean you met someone?" you sniffled, the rustling noise on your end making his belly coil with frustration.
"I met a woman."
"And what does that mean for me?"
"Means that…" Joel sank into his chair, pressing his flat hand to his brow. "That I had fun with you. That you were good and… and pretty company, 'n' that it was a fun experience, which was never meant to last. You're not – you're young, sweetheart. And you're a famous singer. I want you to try stuff out, travel the world – "
"Fuck you, Joel Miller."
That hurt. He could feel your words like a punch to his stomach, his body slouching a bit more.
"Darling – "
"No. Fuck you for saying that. I was fun? Good company? You're an asshole."
With that, you hung up the phone, leaving Joel sucking in air through clenched teeth.
The abrupt end, the very idea that this was how your last conversation ended put him through anguish, yet Joel could be relatively content with how it had gone. He had been aware that it wouldn't be an easy phone call, and he had been right, but at least he had pushed through it the way he had planned. Rather than getting weak the second he heard your sweet voice.
Fuck… The torment in your voice, your labored breath. If you hadn't cried before, then you definitely were now. And all of that because of him. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, you weren't supposed to cry over an old grump like him, goddamnit. But you were angry with him now, which hurt him more than anything else, yet at least he presumed that in this case, fury had a more convenient effect than sadness. Better you hated him than tried to save what the two of you had.
Even though his words had obviously been a lie, they were ensuring that you wouldn't be seeking his company any time soon, but would rather paint him as the villain in your head. He wouldn't be able to deal with your calls, you showing up at his door or trying to get his attention through Sarah. And that was what certainly would have happened if Joel had been truthful with you.
Goddamnit, you were the kind of person who believed everything could be fixed and saved as long as one believed in it strongly enough. So there was no way in hell he would have ever been able to convince you that it was wisest to stay away from each other in order to protect Sarah. So lying it was.
Joel put his phone down on the table, feeling all the remnants of his already scarce energy drain from him. That was it. He had done the right but simultaneously most cruel thing. If only he could take all the pain onto himself and spare you of it. He would have done it without the blink of an eye.
But from this point forward, all he could do was pray that your anger would drown out the agony and leave you in rage rather than misery.
Joel lasted four days before he begrudgingly downloaded Instagram on his phone.
He didn't even do it to contact you or anything like that, he just had to see you. That was all.
He had his problems finding his way around the app, but after roughly half an hour, he had discovered your account. There wasn't anything special about your little videos from your concerts, the occasional selfie from the dressing room or a short warning about stormy weather in the evening. Nothing that hinted that you were going through a heartbreak at present. Well, maybe you weren't and didn't suffer that much after all.
His exploration of your Instagram account had another great advantage. He couldn't spot a single man in any of your selfies or videos, which had to imply that you weren't seeing anyone yet. Sure, it would have been pretty uncommon to move on so quickly, but Joel had secretly feared that you would surround yourself with handsome young men to distract yourself from the suffering you might be going through. Or, another option, you just didn't suffer so much that you were in need of such entertainment.
Joel determinedly put his phone on his bedside table, sighing heavily. What was he even doing… Downloading an app he had never felt he needed just to figure out whether you had fallen into the same kind of shit hole as he had. He didn't have to be a genius to know that it wasn't quite the healthy way to cope with all of this.
The truth was that he missed you incredibly. He missed you so much that every breath he took felt short and inadequate. Every second his mind wasn't busy, his thoughts wandered off to you, and most of the time, they weren't pleasant. He wondered what you were doing right now, if there was a chance you were thinking about him, he imagined what it would feel like lying in your arms, and on some occasions, he looked out of the kitchen window, expecting you to drive up his street any second.
Those were his weakest moments, the ones when he would shake his head in disbelief and take a really large breath that didn't really improve his state.
The worst part was that he knew that this was what it was supposed to be like. Just because he longed for every part of you, your sweet voice, the way your lips twisted every time he called you his little bird or how you giggled when he kissed the inside of your wrist, didn't mean that Joel found that he had made a mistake, let alone regretted his drastic actions. It had been the right thing to do for both your sakes and Sarah's. You deserved someone who fit your life as a famous popstar, someone who could understand it and take part in it better than him.
All you received from him was a gruff scoff when you showed him your favorite outfit you had ever worn, him stupidly commenting that you looked very glittery. Joel was an idiot for ever assuming that any of this would have a healthy and functional outcome. You were destined for more, and along the way, Joel had no seat in your spaceship to the sun.
He swallowed hard, pulling his blanket up to his chin.
Every time he did that, his mind automatically drifted to you, how you loved to pepper his stubbly cheek with kisses, claiming that the stiff strands didn't hurt against your skin, which Joel couldn't quite believe.
He ran a hand over his face, feeling his wrinkles and his stubble. Still, he wished it could be your hand instead.
The next day, Joel felt like he hadn't gotten an hour of sleep, even though the clock on his nightstand showed 8.
He blinked a few times, his weary bones anchoring him to the bed even though he knew that staying beneath his blanket for too long usually resulted in roving thoughts that found their dead end at you.
It was a Sunday, so Joel couldn't help but picture what your morning looked like. You were probably busy, like always. But then again, you had always clarified that you at least needed one day a week to properly rest without endless phone calls and people waiting for you to answer their emails. Maybe you were still in bed.
Joel smiled at the memory from three weeks ago, the two of you in the hotel room during your work trip. He had woken up before you, but instead of going to the bathroom, Joel had spent a good amount of time watching your sleeping figure, roaming the curve of your nose and your parted lips.
Was there someone who had that very privilege right now? Was there a chance a guy was waking up next to you at that very moment, his eyes catching on your soft hair falling across your face?
With a deep groan, Joel reached for his phone on the bedside table, opening Instagram with a quick swipe. It was ridiculous, but he just needed to check. If he was correct, you had played a show the other night, so if you had been seen with someone or even posted a picture, it would be the perfect place to find out. Even though Joel wasn't even sure if he wanted to know.
His eyes narrowed at the tiny letters in front of him, so he quickly put on his reading glasses. You had only posted a picture of your band and you in your story, but there was no new post on your profile. Sarah had once taught him the basic functions of the social media platform, though he had deleted the app within the first few hours back then, claiming that it was much too overwhelming. Now he was grateful for his daughter's lessons, though.
Releasing a deep breath, Joel went to his home feed again. He didn't know what exactly he had expected, but at least his hopes that you weren't seeing anyone hadn't been utterly shattered yet. He just had to… Wait.
Joel's nostrils flared, his face hovering closer to the small screen. A video had popped up on his feed, a dark room full of… It was a video someone must have taken at one of your shows.
Joel quickly tapped on it and opened the caption.
April 23rd. Yesterday.
After he had turned up the volume, Joel just watched silently.
Not a single muscle in his face ticked, even though the content flickering before his eyes caused a whole thunderstorm to riot in his chest.
The video started with some of your fans excitedly screaming at the intro of one of your most emotional and heartbreaking songs. Since he had spent so much time with you in the recent months, he had obviously listened to some of your music as well or let you introduce him to your work, but he had never actually heard that one before.
It was a song on the guitar, and as the person taking the video zoomed in on the stage, he saw that it was you playing the instrument. The song was slow and different from everything he had ever heard from you before. When your voice came in, it sounded shaky, a little breathy, as though you were suppressing something in your body. Not that he was in any way an expert when it came to singing, but he assumed that the tightness in your voice wasn't supposed to be there. Even your fingers seemed to tremble a little, but then, after clearing your throat right before the chorus, you seemed to have gotten a grip on yourself.
That was until the second verse started.
The corners of Joel's mouth drew downward as he saw you choke, your quivering hand dropping and loosely dangling beside you. The fans around the person recording started shouting, making sure you were aware of their loyalty and support by exclaiming your name and cheering for you. But you seemed only mildly aware of it.
One of your hands was pressed over your mouth, eyes wide and filled with tears. At least that was if his eyes didn't trick him. The video didn't have the best quality, but given the way you had choked up halfway through the performance, it seemed natural that you were crying.
His heart hammered in his chest, his fingers curling ever so slightly. This was even more painful than lying in his bed, glaring at the ceiling and missing you with his whole being. The idea that you were struggling so hard that you couldn't even control your emotions on stage — a part of your life that you always tried to separate from your private life — was shredding his heart into pieces, and once the video was over, he had to blink away a few tears of his own.
The person had stopped recording after the song, which you had finished with great effort and a very loving crowd singing along with you. Your voice had been unstable, and Joel had heard a few wrong guitar notes, but your relief that it was over was evident.
Joel could catch the start of the wave of apologies you spoke into the microphone, but then the video ended and he was left in silence with a gaping hole in his chest. The grainy, out-of-focus clip hadn't even exposed everything there had perhaps been to see on your face, and yet just the sight of your hand covering your mouth and the broken sob had given Joel the rest. Here he had been, frightened that you were getting over him quickly, as though this hadn't meant anything to you, surrounding yourself with men to replace him. But no, he couldn't have been more wrong.
With a quiet thud, Joel put his phone on his bedside table, though he used more force than necessary.
He wanted to bury his head under the pillow, drowning out the buzzing voices in his mind. Joel wished with his whole heart that he could claim that none of what he had just seen had affected him in any significant way, but it would be a lie to say so.
You were hurting. That much was clear. A professional, disciplined artist like you didn't just break down on stage because she had a bad day. Shit… All of this was his fault. Should he have handled it better, found a softer way to explain his issues to you? Should he have just… had he made a terrible mistake? It seemed highly unlikely to him that an action that was supposed to be right could cause so much torment within the both of you. Sure, Joel hadn't lost his shit in front of a large crowd, but the past days had been hell for him too. Goddamnit, he had downloaded Instagram on his phone just because he had missed you so horrendously.
Joel couldn't stop thinking about the video for the rest of the day, but he didn't even feel surprised by that. At times, he just felt like the biggest loser in the world, and at other times, his brain was stuck on the idea of taking you into his arms after your breakdown. He would have given anything to be there, cradling you instead of being forced to watch that same clip over and over again, his throat drier every time the video started from the beginning.
At eight in the evening, Joel left his house feeling more pathetic and wretched than ever before. His living room seemed too small, the walls confining him and clouding his ability to keep a clear mind. Anything he did would be better than sitting on his couch with a painful headache.
So he got in his car, started it, and unconsciously took the familiar route to your house. Sure, somewhere within his brain, a part of him must have chosen to head to your place, but Joel had only been mildly aware of the plans he had made for himself.
Whatever. He needed to see you, to check up on you, preferably rid himself of the biting ache in his abdomen, and then… He didn't know. If you were mad at him and greeted him with hostility — which Joel wouldn't blame you for — he could at least try to tell you how badly he regretted lying to you. And that he hadn't met a woman but had wanted to make it easier for you by drawing your fury onto him. Unsuccessfully, of course.
The streets were abandoned, even though it was still early, but he preferred it like that anyway. The only person he wanted to see right now was you, and god, this desire alone made him drive faster. Screw his stupid plan of staying away from you and coming up with the worst kinds of coping mechanisms. He needed you like oxygen, like an anchor grounding him.
When he arrived at your house ten minutes later, the first thing that caught his eye was the fact that your roller shutters were pulled down. It wasn't that late, so it seemed unusual to darken one's home before the sun had set. His worry for you heightened, leaving a sour taste prickling on his tongue.
He didn't know what concerned him more, the idea of you not being home and him smoldering within the pressing walls of his house for the rest of the day, or you being in there, the living room gloomy because you didn't want to let any light in.
Joel got out of his car, senses sharpened, listening for any noise from inside your house. In the recent weeks when he had regularly shown up at yours, you had often heard his car tires and run to the door to greet him before he had the chance to knock.
Now, everything was silent. He couldn't even hear music drifting from an open window the way it normally did with you. All the windows were closed, and it seemed like you had even locked the garden gate. Which meant that if Joel hadn't known the code, he would have already rung the bell and hoped that you were home and even more so felt the desire to speak with him.
But he made it to the front door, which was obviously locked as well. Of course it was. Joel would have been even more worried if it hadn't been.
He pressed the bell once, carefully, as though he were afraid to disturb you. For a while, nothing happened, but Joel remained patient. Perhaps you were snuggled up on the couch underneath a pile of blankets and needed a while to untangle yourself. His index finger was hovering over the bell as he started to count to ten in his mind. If the house stayed absolutely silent by ten, he would —
The door opened so abruptly that Joel nearly lost his balance and fell backward. All he could do was grab the railing leading up to the porch and save himself from the tumble at the last moment, gasping loudly at the shock.
You looked… sad. You wore simple clothes, jogging pants, a plain grey shirt and thick wool socks, which indicated that you hadn't planned to see anyone that night. He had learned that you weren't at all opposed to the idea of spending a lazy day in casual clothes, but usually, you paid a great amount of attention to looking good. Joel assumed that it was a natural habit for someone as famous as you were.
"Joel," you whispered hoarsely, eyes glossy as though you had cried not long ago. His heart twisted, or at least it felt like some force was brutally tearing it from his veins and turning it a couple of times in his chest. You sounded so frail, so vulnerable and sorrowful.
Without a word, solely driven by his instincts, Joel took a stride forward and wrapped his arms around you. But before fully leaning into the hug and swallowing your frame with his larger one, he paused, carefully waiting for you to squirm or push him away. Which didn't happen. No, you immediately started to sob, your hands flying up to his chest to pinch the fabric of his shirt and tug him closer against you until his front was flush with yours.
"Darling…" Joel murmured, feeling overwhelmed by all the different emotions pouring over him like liquid fire. "Hey, it's okay… I know, I got ya."
Neither of you cared that you were standing in your doorway, your body surely freezing with only your t-shirt protecting you against the cold. Joel immediately tightened his grasp around you, shielding you not just from the pain and distress, but also from the chill of the air.
"I'm sorry, little bird… I'm so sorry." He repeated those words again and again, well aware of what effect they had on you as he stroked up your back and kissed your hairline. You softly hummed every time the nickname slipped past his lips, and then, after a couple more minutes standing so closely together, you pulled away slightly, flat palms still resting on his chest as though you wanted to make sure that he was real. And he very much was.
Joel wouldn't step back now, wouldn't find another solution to this problem but advocate for his favored version. There was no problem. Not if the two of you discussed your relationship and extensively talked through the options. Letting go was definitely off the table for now. Which was exactly why Joel didn't hesitate when you lightly pulled at his arm, guiding him inside your house, followed by a quiet hum from you as though you were trying to tell him something but couldn't quite find the right words. He understood nonetheless.
"I missed you, Joel."
Your voice still sounded a little raspy, but at least you weren't crying anymore.
"I missed you too, baby." Blindly following you to the living room, Joel kept his hand on your lower back, desperately clinging to any part of you to make up for all the times he had missed you wholeheartedly during the past days.
Then, the two of you plopped into the cushions, Joel's hands at your waist at once, dragging you against his chest.
"I'm so sorry… About all of this. I was – I was an idiot. I lied to you, there's no woman, there's no one I'd rather be with than you. I just… I freaked out after Sarah almost caught us. So I thought I had to end it as quickly as possible 'cause I can't risk drivin' an axe into our relationship. She… she went through so much with her mom and all. I was so scared that I would cause 'er pain by keepin' it from 'er."
You swallowed heavily, moving in closer so that you could straddle his thighs, hands spread across his shoulders.
"I understand that, Joel. I really do. I just wish you hadn't lied to me."
"Me too, little bird… Me too." He cupped the side of your face with his right hand, carefully drawing you closer until his lips lightly ghosted over yours. God… you felt so good against him. He hadn't kissed you in what, four days? Yet it felt like a lifetime, making him realize how much he had longed for every single part of you. Things he hadn't even been aware of had kept him under such an intense spell.
"I saw… I saw that video," Joel muttered after a while, feeling obliged to be transparent with you.
"What video?"
"From your concert."
A muscle next to your eye ticked, your throat bobbing. "You did?"
"Yes… It – I felt really bad."
You gently bit down on your bottom lip, lashes fluttering as you noticeably blinked away a fresh wave of tears.
"I felt really hurt, Joel. Because I – you made me feel like what we had didn't mean anything. And then I was on that stage and I – I sang that song which I wrote about my ex-boyfriend. He… I broke up with him six months ago. We had a really bad relationship. He didn't want to commit to anything, so he basically did whatever he wanted but told me all that sweet stuff to keep me on his fucking leash. I felt so free when I broke up with him. But when I played that song, I had to think about… you. And I was so sad because I felt like I did back then with him, but I couldn't believe that you would ever do something like that to me."
Salty drops were leaking from your eyes again, though this time, you quickly tried to wipe them away with the back of your hand.
"I'm so sorry, baby…" Joel whispered, feeling his soul splinter into pieces all over again. He had never intended to cause you such pain, to stir something within you that you had already moved on from.
"I'm sorry. But I need you to know that none of it was true. I said it because I thought if you were mad at me, you wouldn't try to fix it. I knew that if you tried to talk to me and convince me that it would work, I would get weak and throw all my good intentions overboard. So I thought it was best if you stayed away from me."
Joel moved one of his hands to the back of your head, threading through your silky strands.
"I'm really sorry. I didn't – I don't ever wanna hurt you. It's the last thing I want. I missed you and I – I felt awful. And it got even worse when I saw that video."
Sniffling softly, you shifted closer to him, nuzzling his neck and toying with his sleeves.
"What are we gonna do now, Joel? Because I don't want to stop seeing you. I don't."
"I don't know, sweetheart… But I know that I don't wanna stop seein' you either. I can't."
You let out something that resembled a desperate whimper, pressing kisses along his collarbone, which provoked Joel to close his eyes in contentment.
"I'm so sorry…" he mumbled again, as it seemed strange to him that you were spoiling him with your soft, warm lips on his skin whereas he supposed it should be him worshipping your body in a manner that befitted his apologies.
"Can we just not think about it tonight? I know we have to talk about it, and I promise, we will. And I know you just want what's best for Sarah, which I understand. We're gonna find a solution. Just… Can we have this night, Joel?"
His fingers dug into your waist, heartbeat thrumming up his throat so rapidly that Joel could feel it in his tongue as well.
"Yes, baby. We can do that… Just need you…" Joel's thumb drew tight circles over your sides, carefully travelling up your body, which made you giggle.
"I look terrible… You sure you don't want me to change or – or put on some makeup?"
"Why would I want you to change?" he growled, tenderly cupping your face and pulling you up to his level. "I want you as you are. You look beautiful, little bird. So beautiful that I feel like I don't deserve to see you right now. 'Cause I really messed up."
"Shut up," you chuckled, blushing at his praise, which made Joel's eyes spark with amusement. He couldn't believe that his compliments made you feel so flustered while you were probably showered with them on a daily basis, by fans, your team and crew. Yet here you were, barely able to look into his eyes even though he had only called you beautiful.
"You are beautiful. Always. And I would really like to show you how much I appreciate you. How much I regret all of this and… and how much I wanna continue to see you."
To his great fortune, you agreed, a sly smile playing around your lips.
Seconds later, Joel began his apology, which now took on physical forms rather than just verbal ones. You were pleased with either.
Part three to my little series hihi... You can read part one here and this is based on this request, enjoy :)
Joel breaks up with you because he's scared Sarah is going to find out about the two of you. What follows makes him question his decision.
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, finger sucking, dirty talk, fingering, interrupted sex, secret relationship, age gap, angst, fighting, hurt/comfort, crying, panic, temporary breakup, Joel being an idiot about his feelings, celebrity!reader, old grumpy Joel, emotional breakdown, instagram stalking, fluff
Wordcount: 7,093
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Joel thrust his hips forward slowly, watching his cock disappear in you before his gaze caught on your lips.
"Open your mouth, sweetheart."
You obeyed, a muscle next to your eye ticking as he entered your mouth with two fingers.
"You look so pretty like that, you know that?" Joel whispered and flexed his arms on purpose, knowing how weak in the knees you got seeing his muscular biceps and forearms. Fortunately, you were sitting on the desk in your room anyway, so it wouldn't really matter if your legs gave in.
"All full of me… So beautiful, baby."
He was teasing you with his gentle, almost careful pushes, and he was well aware of it. You were probably thinking that he did it to be kind because he was scared to overwhelm you, but no… he knew that you could take it. He just wanted to play with you a little bit.
"Oh my god. Joel, feels – really good. Really…. Oh shit." Your hands, previously clinging to the side of his face, dropped to his shoulder where they stroked along his skin, eyes rolling in the back of your head at how strong and thick his neck was.
"Joel, you – you need to cum soon. I gotta – I gotta answer some more emails… And I have to – call my publicist…" You tilted your head to the side with your eyes closed, which made you look like you weren't fully in the moment but rather captivated by the feverish dreams happening in your mind.
"You ain't gotta do anything, baby…" Joel chuckled, his thumb finding your clit and his hips picking up the pace at last. "You just need to enjoy yourself… Even famous people deserve a little break from time to time."
"Owww," you howled and dug your heels a little deeper into his back as though to beckon him closer.
"I know… I know you need that break, princess. Let me take care of ya. I promise, you'll feel good as new." With that promise ringing in your ears, you relaxed a little beneath him, fingers slackening and loosely tracing the stitching of his old Rolling Stones band t-shirt that he had quickly pulled over his head in the morning.
"Wanna… Need to see you, Joel," you murmured.
Joel was just about to reach for the hem of the clothing, thinking about whether there was a way not to pause his thrusts while undressing himself, when there was a noise in the distance. The two of you froze, even you perceived the sound and seemed to wake from that drowsy state you had been in.
"Fuck," you hissed and let go of him like you had burned yourself.
"Who the fuck is that?" Joel grunted, already feeling his veins scorch with jealousy. Whoever was entering your house had to be close to you if they possessed keys –
"Hello?"
Joel's eyes almost doubled in size, teeth grinding while your features drew with despondency. "What the fuck – "
"I know, I'm sorry, I – I forgot that I gave Sarah the keys. I needed her to pick something up on Thursday, and then I – Oh shit… shit, shit, shit."
Joel quickly tucked his softened cock in, but you were already frantically gesturing to the bathroom.
"Fast. And don't come out until I say so!"
"Jesus…" The word was sharp and cutting like the hissing of a snake, his head spinning, but Joel found that he had no choice but to follow your instructions.
As he opened the door and quietly shut it behind him, he felt humiliated and degraded. He wasn't a goddamn teenage boy who had to leave through the window because his girlfriend's parents had shown up earlier than she had expected. For god's sake. Well, what was he supposed to do now but wait? While you were somewhere in the house, chatting with his daughter, who had no idea about what parts of her boss's body he had just touched… He could only pray that you were acting casually and weren't losing it like he was.
The next day, Joel did a whole lot of thinking. Which he probably should have done earlier.
His initial reaction after coming home the night before was relief over the fact that Sarah hadn't found him in your bathroom and that he had been able to leave your home half an hour later while you had showered him with apologies.
"S'okay," Joel had muttered through clenched teeth, pulling you in for one last hug to make that feeble glint in your eyes disappear. You were a mess, and Joel couldn't help but wonder how you had made it through your rather short discussion with Sarah without her noticing anything.
"S'okay, 'lil bird. She didn't notice anything."
What he didn't tell you was how deeply his own doubt sat.
Sure, he pretended to be calm in order to soothe you and assure you that you could spend a carefree night without thinking about what would have happened if Joel and you hadn't been that fast, but on his drive home, Joel was unable to keep the pictures out of his head.
What if the two of you hadn't heard the door? What if you hadn't kept the bedroom door open? What if something like this happened again and a single detail went differently?
Now, Joel was home again. The first thing he did was close his curtains. He figured that his need for privacy had something to do with what had just happened over at your place, but he didn't care to explore that feeling any deeper, so he just sank into the couch with a low groan and a cold beer in his hand.
Jesus… What had he gotten himself into? All he had done was fuck his daughter's hot boss once and now here he was, sneaking around and hiding in bathrooms. At least it had been a pleasant bathroom. Joel scratched his temple, his head aching with thoughts, some more pleasant than others.
Some part of him was caving, urging him to call you right now, tell you that he could never see you again and pray that Sarah would never mention your name again. Things had escalated, he had lost himself in his enjoyment with you, and the easiest way to fix it was to take care of it with a sharp cut. Just like ripping off a plaster. It might hurt and even cause you to fight him over his choice, but eventually, the both of you would see that it was for the best. You would have the chance to meet someone your own age, who you could actually be seen with, and Joel… he would get back to his own life. A life without your cheerful nature, but one that was less stressful.
But then again… would he be able to do that? Or was he too selfish? And was all of this agitation even necessary, or was he simply freaking out because of the recent mishaps? Maybe he would wake up tomorrow, craving your touch and deeming his ideas from the night before as wild and ridiculous.
Joel grunted quietly, taking a sip from his beer. It was cold and the carbonation was pleasantly prickling on his tongue, yet he missed the usual effect it had on him. A cold beer stood for relaxed evenings when he could stretch his sore muscles and rest his heavy lids. But he wasn't relaxed at all. In fact, his heart was still galloping like it did when he heard the keys turn in your front door, even though the incident had happened almost two hours ago.
The ugly thoughts swirling around Joel's head stuck around until the next morning.
He had anticipated waking up washed clean of them, but unfortunately, Joel found his brain instantly focusing on the things he had thought about the night before. In some way, he even felt as though they hadn't left his mind overnight. Maybe he had dreamt about them without realizing it? Maybe that was why Joel didn't feel energetic and ready for the day? At least it was Sunday, so his work wouldn't suffer from his deranged state of mind and he could rot away in the comfort of his own home.
One thing was for sure, Joel thought as he sat down at the kitchen table, a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He needed to do something, and there were many reasons to pick up his phone now to call you. He had to make sure that you were doing okay after last night's chaos, he had to ask what he had entirely forgotten to ask last night – what Sarah had wanted from you so late – and then… Yes, what? Discuss with you how the two of you would proceed from now on in order to prevent something like that from happening again?
Automatically, his brain jumped to Sarah again. She was thriving now that she was living in the big city and had the job she had always dreamed of. Joel couldn't put into words how immensely proud he was of her, and he was positive that Sarah knew that too. Just… Would their good relationship change if she found out that her father was hooking up with her boss behind her back? She most certainly would feel betrayed and lied to. But what else? Would she curse Joel for bringing so much chaos into the little cosmos she had built for herself? Would she be upset about him sneaking his way into that part of her life, and taking something away from her that was just for her?
Hurting Sarah was what Joel wanted to avoid at all costs, no matter how much he relished the time with you. Sarah was his daughter, the most important person in his life. He couldn't think of anything other than sheer disappointment and anger pouring over him if she ever caught the two of you together. And Joel couldn't even blame her. Hell, he hated himself for interfering with her work in such a way. Gosh… he really had messed up, hadn't he?
Gripped by pure and stirring panic, Joel reached for the phone. He made two typos as his fingers smashed into the buttons, which forced his heartbeat to thunder in his chest even more rapidly than it already did. But then, it was done. You picked up after the third ring, your voice a little raspy, so he assumed that you hadn't been up for long.
Fuck, he really wasn't supposed to know what your voice sounded like in the first minutes of the morning, was he?
"Hey," Joel growled into the speaker, tapping the fingers of his left hand on the desk's surface.
"Joel… hey. How are you?"
"Good. Good, yes," he spoke a little too quickly and shook his head briefly. "What about you?"
"Ehm… Good, too?" Of course, you could read him like an open book even through the phone line.
"Listen." Joel paused, releasing a deep breath that he hadn't been aware of holding until now.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"We gotta stop this, y/n."
"Stop what?" you scoffed, seemingly yet to understand what Joel was referring to. Jesus Christ, this was tormenting.
"The thing between… us."
"What? Wait, are you saying – " Your voice started to crack, the first hints of panic shining through, which prompted his stomach to twist.
"I'm… I'm sorry, y/n. For doin' this like that."
"Doing what like that, Joel, what are you talking about?"
"We can't see each other any longer. I'm sorry."
From the sound of it, you were putting your phone down on a hard surface.
"So is this because of yesterday? You're scared that Sarah – that she's gonna find out? I promise, Joel, we're gonna be more careful. We can do this, I was just – I was stupid last night. I wasn't careful enough, but it won't happen again. If we pay better attention, something like that won't happen again."
Joel sighed heavily, head dropped forward while wave after wave of painful dread rippled through him. His instincts were simple: take the words back, tell you that everything was going to be fine and that he believed your promise that you wouldn't let it happen again. But he couldn't listen to those instincts right now. He had to keep a cool head, shove his feelings to the side and do what was right after keenly acting upon his desires for the past weeks.
"I'm sorry, y/n. But it… you see it yourself, don't ya?"
"See what?" you hissed, voice shaky like you were about to cry any moment.
"You… you're a singer. A world-famous pop star. And I… I don't fit into that kind of life. S'not where I belong."
"What?" you breathed, giving Joel a moment to gather himself and form the next words.
"I belong in my town, with the people I know and the job I know. Not in your shiny, glittery world. You know that, sweetheart. You gotta be honest with yourself."
"What – No," you exclaimed, louder now. "Joel, are you fucking kidding me? You – You feel bad about yesterday and I understand that, but there's no reason to come up with that stupid lie. This is not about fitting into my life. What are you even talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about – "
"No. I don't."
There was a pause, both your breathing heavy. A hot pain stung behind Joel's eyes, making him rub his lids with his thumbs.
"I'm not gonna give up like you are. Yes, I messed up the other night. And I'm really sorry. But we have a good time. We – We can make this work. We have to make it work, Joel, and I – "
"Darling."
You stopped at once, perhaps it was the nickname or his tone, which was laced with quiet, restrained urgency.
"I had a good time with you. And I thank you for… shit, for takin' me on that trip with you." Joel paused to listen for any comment from you, but there was silence on the other end. "But I have a life to live. I know your life is different. Maybe it works for you like that, but it doesn't for me."
"But we can make it work, Joel, we can change this so – "
"I met someone."
Another long silence stretched, which made Joel feel so grateful and unbelievably sorry that he couldn't see your face right now. Were you crying? Or was he thinking too highly of himself to assume that you might?
"What?" you choked, your voice strangled as though a firm vice had wrapped around your throat and cut off your air supply.
"I'm sorry."
"What do you mean you met someone?" you sniffled, the rustling noise on your end making his belly coil with frustration.
"I met a woman."
"And what does that mean for me?"
"Means that…" Joel sank into his chair, pressing his flat hand to his brow. "That I had fun with you. That you were good and… and pretty company, 'n' that it was a fun experience, which was never meant to last. You're not – you're young, sweetheart. And you're a famous singer. I want you to try stuff out, travel the world – "
"Fuck you, Joel Miller."
That hurt. He could feel your words like a punch to his stomach, his body slouching a bit more.
"Darling – "
"No. Fuck you for saying that. I was fun? Good company? You're an asshole."
With that, you hung up the phone, leaving Joel sucking in air through clenched teeth.
The abrupt end, the very idea that this was how your last conversation ended put him through anguish, yet Joel could be relatively content with how it had gone. He had been aware that it wouldn't be an easy phone call, and he had been right, but at least he had pushed through it the way he had planned. Rather than getting weak the second he heard your sweet voice.
Fuck… The torment in your voice, your labored breath. If you hadn't cried before, then you definitely were now. And all of that because of him. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, you weren't supposed to cry over an old grump like him, goddamnit. But you were angry with him now, which hurt him more than anything else, yet at least he presumed that in this case, fury had a more convenient effect than sadness. Better you hated him than tried to save what the two of you had.
Even though his words had obviously been a lie, they were ensuring that you wouldn't be seeking his company any time soon, but would rather paint him as the villain in your head. He wouldn't be able to deal with your calls, you showing up at his door or trying to get his attention through Sarah. And that was what certainly would have happened if Joel had been truthful with you.
Goddamnit, you were the kind of person who believed everything could be fixed and saved as long as one believed in it strongly enough. So there was no way in hell he would have ever been able to convince you that it was wisest to stay away from each other in order to protect Sarah. So lying it was.
Joel put his phone down on the table, feeling all the remnants of his already scarce energy drain from him. That was it. He had done the right but simultaneously most cruel thing. If only he could take all the pain onto himself and spare you of it. He would have done it without the blink of an eye.
But from this point forward, all he could do was pray that your anger would drown out the agony and leave you in rage rather than misery.
Joel lasted four days before he begrudgingly downloaded Instagram on his phone.
He didn't even do it to contact you or anything like that, he just had to see you. That was all.
He had his problems finding his way around the app, but after roughly half an hour, he had discovered your account. There wasn't anything special about your little videos from your concerts, the occasional selfie from the dressing room or a short warning about stormy weather in the evening. Nothing that hinted that you were going through a heartbreak at present. Well, maybe you weren't and didn't suffer that much after all.
His exploration of your Instagram account had another great advantage. He couldn't spot a single man in any of your selfies or videos, which had to imply that you weren't seeing anyone yet. Sure, it would have been pretty uncommon to move on so quickly, but Joel had secretly feared that you would surround yourself with handsome young men to distract yourself from the suffering you might be going through. Or, another option, you just didn't suffer so much that you were in need of such entertainment.
Joel determinedly put his phone on his bedside table, sighing heavily. What was he even doing… Downloading an app he had never felt he needed just to figure out whether you had fallen into the same kind of shit hole as he had. He didn't have to be a genius to know that it wasn't quite the healthy way to cope with all of this.
The truth was that he missed you incredibly. He missed you so much that every breath he took felt short and inadequate. Every second his mind wasn't busy, his thoughts wandered off to you, and most of the time, they weren't pleasant. He wondered what you were doing right now, if there was a chance you were thinking about him, he imagined what it would feel like lying in your arms, and on some occasions, he looked out of the kitchen window, expecting you to drive up his street any second.
Those were his weakest moments, the ones when he would shake his head in disbelief and take a really large breath that didn't really improve his state.
The worst part was that he knew that this was what it was supposed to be like. Just because he longed for every part of you, your sweet voice, the way your lips twisted every time he called you his little bird or how you giggled when he kissed the inside of your wrist, didn't mean that Joel found that he had made a mistake, let alone regretted his drastic actions. It had been the right thing to do for both your sakes and Sarah's. You deserved someone who fit your life as a famous popstar, someone who could understand it and take part in it better than him.
All you received from him was a gruff scoff when you showed him your favorite outfit you had ever worn, him stupidly commenting that you looked very glittery. Joel was an idiot for ever assuming that any of this would have a healthy and functional outcome. You were destined for more, and along the way, Joel had no seat in your spaceship to the sun.
He swallowed hard, pulling his blanket up to his chin.
Every time he did that, his mind automatically drifted to you, how you loved to pepper his stubbly cheek with kisses, claiming that the stiff strands didn't hurt against your skin, which Joel couldn't quite believe.
He ran a hand over his face, feeling his wrinkles and his stubble. Still, he wished it could be your hand instead.
The next day, Joel felt like he hadn't gotten an hour of sleep, even though the clock on his nightstand showed 8.
He blinked a few times, his weary bones anchoring him to the bed even though he knew that staying beneath his blanket for too long usually resulted in roving thoughts that found their dead end at you.
It was a Sunday, so Joel couldn't help but picture what your morning looked like. You were probably busy, like always. But then again, you had always clarified that you at least needed one day a week to properly rest without endless phone calls and people waiting for you to answer their emails. Maybe you were still in bed.
Joel smiled at the memory from three weeks ago, the two of you in the hotel room during your work trip. He had woken up before you, but instead of going to the bathroom, Joel had spent a good amount of time watching your sleeping figure, roaming the curve of your nose and your parted lips.
Was there someone who had that very privilege right now? Was there a chance a guy was waking up next to you at that very moment, his eyes catching on your soft hair falling across your face?
With a deep groan, Joel reached for his phone on the bedside table, opening Instagram with a quick swipe. It was ridiculous, but he just needed to check. If he was correct, you had played a show the other night, so if you had been seen with someone or even posted a picture, it would be the perfect place to find out. Even though Joel wasn't even sure if he wanted to know.
His eyes narrowed at the tiny letters in front of him, so he quickly put on his reading glasses. You had only posted a picture of your band and you in your story, but there was no new post on your profile. Sarah had once taught him the basic functions of the social media platform, though he had deleted the app within the first few hours back then, claiming that it was much too overwhelming. Now he was grateful for his daughter's lessons, though.
Releasing a deep breath, Joel went to his home feed again. He didn't know what exactly he had expected, but at least his hopes that you weren't seeing anyone hadn't been utterly shattered yet. He just had to… Wait.
Joel's nostrils flared, his face hovering closer to the small screen. A video had popped up on his feed, a dark room full of… It was a video someone must have taken at one of your shows.
Joel quickly tapped on it and opened the caption.
April 23rd. Yesterday.
After he had turned up the volume, Joel just watched silently.
Not a single muscle in his face ticked, even though the content flickering before his eyes caused a whole thunderstorm to riot in his chest.
The video started with some of your fans excitedly screaming at the intro of one of your most emotional and heartbreaking songs. Since he had spent so much time with you in the recent months, he had obviously listened to some of your music as well or let you introduce him to your work, but he had never actually heard that one before.
It was a song on the guitar, and as the person taking the video zoomed in on the stage, he saw that it was you playing the instrument. The song was slow and different from everything he had ever heard from you before. When your voice came in, it sounded shaky, a little breathy, as though you were suppressing something in your body. Not that he was in any way an expert when it came to singing, but he assumed that the tightness in your voice wasn't supposed to be there. Even your fingers seemed to tremble a little, but then, after clearing your throat right before the chorus, you seemed to have gotten a grip on yourself.
That was until the second verse started.
The corners of Joel's mouth drew downward as he saw you choke, your quivering hand dropping and loosely dangling beside you. The fans around the person recording started shouting, making sure you were aware of their loyalty and support by exclaiming your name and cheering for you. But you seemed only mildly aware of it.
One of your hands was pressed over your mouth, eyes wide and filled with tears. At least that was if his eyes didn't trick him. The video didn't have the best quality, but given the way you had choked up halfway through the performance, it seemed natural that you were crying.
His heart hammered in his chest, his fingers curling ever so slightly. This was even more painful than lying in his bed, glaring at the ceiling and missing you with his whole being. The idea that you were struggling so hard that you couldn't even control your emotions on stage — a part of your life that you always tried to separate from your private life — was shredding his heart into pieces, and once the video was over, he had to blink away a few tears of his own.
The person had stopped recording after the song, which you had finished with great effort and a very loving crowd singing along with you. Your voice had been unstable, and Joel had heard a few wrong guitar notes, but your relief that it was over was evident.
Joel could catch the start of the wave of apologies you spoke into the microphone, but then the video ended and he was left in silence with a gaping hole in his chest. The grainy, out-of-focus clip hadn't even exposed everything there had perhaps been to see on your face, and yet just the sight of your hand covering your mouth and the broken sob had given Joel the rest. Here he had been, frightened that you were getting over him quickly, as though this hadn't meant anything to you, surrounding yourself with men to replace him. But no, he couldn't have been more wrong.
With a quiet thud, Joel put his phone on his bedside table, though he used more force than necessary.
He wanted to bury his head under the pillow, drowning out the buzzing voices in his mind. Joel wished with his whole heart that he could claim that none of what he had just seen had affected him in any significant way, but it would be a lie to say so.
You were hurting. That much was clear. A professional, disciplined artist like you didn't just break down on stage because she had a bad day. Shit… All of this was his fault. Should he have handled it better, found a softer way to explain his issues to you? Should he have just… had he made a terrible mistake? It seemed highly unlikely to him that an action that was supposed to be right could cause so much torment within the both of you. Sure, Joel hadn't lost his shit in front of a large crowd, but the past days had been hell for him too. Goddamnit, he had downloaded Instagram on his phone just because he had missed you so horrendously.
Joel couldn't stop thinking about the video for the rest of the day, but he didn't even feel surprised by that. At times, he just felt like the biggest loser in the world, and at other times, his brain was stuck on the idea of taking you into his arms after your breakdown. He would have given anything to be there, cradling you instead of being forced to watch that same clip over and over again, his throat drier every time the video started from the beginning.
At eight in the evening, Joel left his house feeling more pathetic and wretched than ever before. His living room seemed too small, the walls confining him and clouding his ability to keep a clear mind. Anything he did would be better than sitting on his couch with a painful headache.
So he got in his car, started it, and unconsciously took the familiar route to your house. Sure, somewhere within his brain, a part of him must have chosen to head to your place, but Joel had only been mildly aware of the plans he had made for himself.
Whatever. He needed to see you, to check up on you, preferably rid himself of the biting ache in his abdomen, and then… He didn't know. If you were mad at him and greeted him with hostility — which Joel wouldn't blame you for — he could at least try to tell you how badly he regretted lying to you. And that he hadn't met a woman but had wanted to make it easier for you by drawing your fury onto him. Unsuccessfully, of course.
The streets were abandoned, even though it was still early, but he preferred it like that anyway. The only person he wanted to see right now was you, and god, this desire alone made him drive faster. Screw his stupid plan of staying away from you and coming up with the worst kinds of coping mechanisms. He needed you like oxygen, like an anchor grounding him.
When he arrived at your house ten minutes later, the first thing that caught his eye was the fact that your roller shutters were pulled down. It wasn't that late, so it seemed unusual to darken one's home before the sun had set. His worry for you heightened, leaving a sour taste prickling on his tongue.
He didn't know what concerned him more, the idea of you not being home and him smoldering within the pressing walls of his house for the rest of the day, or you being in there, the living room gloomy because you didn't want to let any light in.
Joel got out of his car, senses sharpened, listening for any noise from inside your house. In the recent weeks when he had regularly shown up at yours, you had often heard his car tires and run to the door to greet him before he had the chance to knock.
Now, everything was silent. He couldn't even hear music drifting from an open window the way it normally did with you. All the windows were closed, and it seemed like you had even locked the garden gate. Which meant that if Joel hadn't known the code, he would have already rung the bell and hoped that you were home and even more so felt the desire to speak with him.
But he made it to the front door, which was obviously locked as well. Of course it was. Joel would have been even more worried if it hadn't been.
He pressed the bell once, carefully, as though he were afraid to disturb you. For a while, nothing happened, but Joel remained patient. Perhaps you were snuggled up on the couch underneath a pile of blankets and needed a while to untangle yourself. His index finger was hovering over the bell as he started to count to ten in his mind. If the house stayed absolutely silent by ten, he would —
The door opened so abruptly that Joel nearly lost his balance and fell backward. All he could do was grab the railing leading up to the porch and save himself from the tumble at the last moment, gasping loudly at the shock.
You looked… sad. You wore simple clothes, jogging pants, a plain grey shirt and thick wool socks, which indicated that you hadn't planned to see anyone that night. He had learned that you weren't at all opposed to the idea of spending a lazy day in casual clothes, but usually, you paid a great amount of attention to looking good. Joel assumed that it was a natural habit for someone as famous as you were.
"Joel," you whispered hoarsely, eyes glossy as though you had cried not long ago. His heart twisted, or at least it felt like some force was brutally tearing it from his veins and turning it a couple of times in his chest. You sounded so frail, so vulnerable and sorrowful.
Without a word, solely driven by his instincts, Joel took a stride forward and wrapped his arms around you. But before fully leaning into the hug and swallowing your frame with his larger one, he paused, carefully waiting for you to squirm or push him away. Which didn't happen. No, you immediately started to sob, your hands flying up to his chest to pinch the fabric of his shirt and tug him closer against you until his front was flush with yours.
"Darling…" Joel murmured, feeling overwhelmed by all the different emotions pouring over him like liquid fire. "Hey, it's okay… I know, I got ya."
Neither of you cared that you were standing in your doorway, your body surely freezing with only your t-shirt protecting you against the cold. Joel immediately tightened his grasp around you, shielding you not just from the pain and distress, but also from the chill of the air.
"I'm sorry, little bird… I'm so sorry." He repeated those words again and again, well aware of what effect they had on you as he stroked up your back and kissed your hairline. You softly hummed every time the nickname slipped past his lips, and then, after a couple more minutes standing so closely together, you pulled away slightly, flat palms still resting on his chest as though you wanted to make sure that he was real. And he very much was.
Joel wouldn't step back now, wouldn't find another solution to this problem but advocate for his favored version. There was no problem. Not if the two of you discussed your relationship and extensively talked through the options. Letting go was definitely off the table for now. Which was exactly why Joel didn't hesitate when you lightly pulled at his arm, guiding him inside your house, followed by a quiet hum from you as though you were trying to tell him something but couldn't quite find the right words. He understood nonetheless.
"I missed you, Joel."
Your voice still sounded a little raspy, but at least you weren't crying anymore.
"I missed you too, baby." Blindly following you to the living room, Joel kept his hand on your lower back, desperately clinging to any part of you to make up for all the times he had missed you wholeheartedly during the past days.
Then, the two of you plopped into the cushions, Joel's hands at your waist at once, dragging you against his chest.
"I'm so sorry… About all of this. I was – I was an idiot. I lied to you, there's no woman, there's no one I'd rather be with than you. I just… I freaked out after Sarah almost caught us. So I thought I had to end it as quickly as possible 'cause I can't risk drivin' an axe into our relationship. She… she went through so much with her mom and all. I was so scared that I would cause 'er pain by keepin' it from 'er."
You swallowed heavily, moving in closer so that you could straddle his thighs, hands spread across his shoulders.
"I understand that, Joel. I really do. I just wish you hadn't lied to me."
"Me too, little bird… Me too." He cupped the side of your face with his right hand, carefully drawing you closer until his lips lightly ghosted over yours. God… you felt so good against him. He hadn't kissed you in what, four days? Yet it felt like a lifetime, making him realize how much he had longed for every single part of you. Things he hadn't even been aware of had kept him under such an intense spell.
"I saw… I saw that video," Joel muttered after a while, feeling obliged to be transparent with you.
"What video?"
"From your concert."
A muscle next to your eye ticked, your throat bobbing. "You did?"
"Yes… It – I felt really bad."
You gently bit down on your bottom lip, lashes fluttering as you noticeably blinked away a fresh wave of tears.
"I felt really hurt, Joel. Because I – you made me feel like what we had didn't mean anything. And then I was on that stage and I – I sang that song which I wrote about my ex-boyfriend. He… I broke up with him six months ago. We had a really bad relationship. He didn't want to commit to anything, so he basically did whatever he wanted but told me all that sweet stuff to keep me on his fucking leash. I felt so free when I broke up with him. But when I played that song, I had to think about… you. And I was so sad because I felt like I did back then with him, but I couldn't believe that you would ever do something like that to me."
Salty drops were leaking from your eyes again, though this time, you quickly tried to wipe them away with the back of your hand.
"I'm so sorry, baby…" Joel whispered, feeling his soul splinter into pieces all over again. He had never intended to cause you such pain, to stir something within you that you had already moved on from.
"I'm sorry. But I need you to know that none of it was true. I said it because I thought if you were mad at me, you wouldn't try to fix it. I knew that if you tried to talk to me and convince me that it would work, I would get weak and throw all my good intentions overboard. So I thought it was best if you stayed away from me."
Joel moved one of his hands to the back of your head, threading through your silky strands.
"I'm really sorry. I didn't – I don't ever wanna hurt you. It's the last thing I want. I missed you and I – I felt awful. And it got even worse when I saw that video."
Sniffling softly, you shifted closer to him, nuzzling his neck and toying with his sleeves.
"What are we gonna do now, Joel? Because I don't want to stop seeing you. I don't."
"I don't know, sweetheart… But I know that I don't wanna stop seein' you either. I can't."
You let out something that resembled a desperate whimper, pressing kisses along his collarbone, which provoked Joel to close his eyes in contentment.
"I'm so sorry…" he mumbled again, as it seemed strange to him that you were spoiling him with your soft, warm lips on his skin whereas he supposed it should be him worshipping your body in a manner that befitted his apologies.
"Can we just not think about it tonight? I know we have to talk about it, and I promise, we will. And I know you just want what's best for Sarah, which I understand. We're gonna find a solution. Just… Can we have this night, Joel?"
His fingers dug into your waist, heartbeat thrumming up his throat so rapidly that Joel could feel it in his tongue as well.
"Yes, baby. We can do that… Just need you…" Joel's thumb drew tight circles over your sides, carefully travelling up your body, which made you giggle.
"I look terrible… You sure you don't want me to change or – or put on some makeup?"
"Why would I want you to change?" he growled, tenderly cupping your face and pulling you up to his level. "I want you as you are. You look beautiful, little bird. So beautiful that I feel like I don't deserve to see you right now. 'Cause I really messed up."
"Shut up," you chuckled, blushing at his praise, which made Joel's eyes spark with amusement. He couldn't believe that his compliments made you feel so flustered while you were probably showered with them on a daily basis, by fans, your team and crew. Yet here you were, barely able to look into his eyes even though he had only called you beautiful.
"You are beautiful. Always. And I would really like to show you how much I appreciate you. How much I regret all of this and… and how much I wanna continue to see you."
To his great fortune, you agreed, a sly smile playing around your lips.
Seconds later, Joel began his apology, which now took on physical forms rather than just verbal ones. You were pleased with either.
Part three to my little series hihi... You can read part one here and this is based on this request, enjoy :)
Joel breaks up with you because he's scared Sarah is going to find out about the two of you. What follows makes him question his decision.
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, finger sucking, dirty talk, fingering, interrupted sex, secret relationship, age gap, angst, fighting, hurt/comfort, crying, panic, temporary breakup, Joel being an idiot about his feelings, celebrity!reader, old grumpy Joel, emotional breakdown, instagram stalking, fluff
Wordcount: 7,093
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Joel thrust his hips forward slowly, watching his cock disappear in you before his gaze caught on your lips.
"Open your mouth, sweetheart."
You obeyed, a muscle next to your eye ticking as he entered your mouth with two fingers.
"You look so pretty like that, you know that?" Joel whispered and flexed his arms on purpose, knowing how weak in the knees you got seeing his muscular biceps and forearms. Fortunately, you were sitting on the desk in your room anyway, so it wouldn't really matter if your legs gave in.
"All full of me… So beautiful, baby."
He was teasing you with his gentle, almost careful pushes, and he was well aware of it. You were probably thinking that he did it to be kind because he was scared to overwhelm you, but no… he knew that you could take it. He just wanted to play with you a little bit.
"Oh my god. Joel, feels – really good. Really…. Oh shit." Your hands, previously clinging to the side of his face, dropped to his shoulder where they stroked along his skin, eyes rolling in the back of your head at how strong and thick his neck was.
"Joel, you – you need to cum soon. I gotta – I gotta answer some more emails… And I have to – call my publicist…" You tilted your head to the side with your eyes closed, which made you look like you weren't fully in the moment but rather captivated by the feverish dreams happening in your mind.
"You ain't gotta do anything, baby…" Joel chuckled, his thumb finding your clit and his hips picking up the pace at last. "You just need to enjoy yourself… Even famous people deserve a little break from time to time."
"Owww," you howled and dug your heels a little deeper into his back as though to beckon him closer.
"I know… I know you need that break, princess. Let me take care of ya. I promise, you'll feel good as new." With that promise ringing in your ears, you relaxed a little beneath him, fingers slackening and loosely tracing the stitching of his old Rolling Stones band t-shirt that he had quickly pulled over his head in the morning.
"Wanna… Need to see you, Joel," you murmured.
Joel was just about to reach for the hem of the clothing, thinking about whether there was a way not to pause his thrusts while undressing himself, when there was a noise in the distance. The two of you froze, even you perceived the sound and seemed to wake from that drowsy state you had been in.
"Fuck," you hissed and let go of him like you had burned yourself.
"Who the fuck is that?" Joel grunted, already feeling his veins scorch with jealousy. Whoever was entering your house had to be close to you if they possessed keys –
"Hello?"
Joel's eyes almost doubled in size, teeth grinding while your features drew with despondency. "What the fuck – "
"I know, I'm sorry, I – I forgot that I gave Sarah the keys. I needed her to pick something up on Thursday, and then I – Oh shit… shit, shit, shit."
Joel quickly tucked his softened cock in, but you were already frantically gesturing to the bathroom.
"Fast. And don't come out until I say so!"
"Jesus…" The word was sharp and cutting like the hissing of a snake, his head spinning, but Joel found that he had no choice but to follow your instructions.
As he opened the door and quietly shut it behind him, he felt humiliated and degraded. He wasn't a goddamn teenage boy who had to leave through the window because his girlfriend's parents had shown up earlier than she had expected. For god's sake. Well, what was he supposed to do now but wait? While you were somewhere in the house, chatting with his daughter, who had no idea about what parts of her boss's body he had just touched… He could only pray that you were acting casually and weren't losing it like he was.
The next day, Joel did a whole lot of thinking. Which he probably should have done earlier.
His initial reaction after coming home the night before was relief over the fact that Sarah hadn't found him in your bathroom and that he had been able to leave your home half an hour later while you had showered him with apologies.
"S'okay," Joel had muttered through clenched teeth, pulling you in for one last hug to make that feeble glint in your eyes disappear. You were a mess, and Joel couldn't help but wonder how you had made it through your rather short discussion with Sarah without her noticing anything.
"S'okay, 'lil bird. She didn't notice anything."
What he didn't tell you was how deeply his own doubt sat.
Sure, he pretended to be calm in order to soothe you and assure you that you could spend a carefree night without thinking about what would have happened if Joel and you hadn't been that fast, but on his drive home, Joel was unable to keep the pictures out of his head.
What if the two of you hadn't heard the door? What if you hadn't kept the bedroom door open? What if something like this happened again and a single detail went differently?
Now, Joel was home again. The first thing he did was close his curtains. He figured that his need for privacy had something to do with what had just happened over at your place, but he didn't care to explore that feeling any deeper, so he just sank into the couch with a low groan and a cold beer in his hand.
Jesus… What had he gotten himself into? All he had done was fuck his daughter's hot boss once and now here he was, sneaking around and hiding in bathrooms. At least it had been a pleasant bathroom. Joel scratched his temple, his head aching with thoughts, some more pleasant than others.
Some part of him was caving, urging him to call you right now, tell you that he could never see you again and pray that Sarah would never mention your name again. Things had escalated, he had lost himself in his enjoyment with you, and the easiest way to fix it was to take care of it with a sharp cut. Just like ripping off a plaster. It might hurt and even cause you to fight him over his choice, but eventually, the both of you would see that it was for the best. You would have the chance to meet someone your own age, who you could actually be seen with, and Joel… he would get back to his own life. A life without your cheerful nature, but one that was less stressful.
But then again… would he be able to do that? Or was he too selfish? And was all of this agitation even necessary, or was he simply freaking out because of the recent mishaps? Maybe he would wake up tomorrow, craving your touch and deeming his ideas from the night before as wild and ridiculous.
Joel grunted quietly, taking a sip from his beer. It was cold and the carbonation was pleasantly prickling on his tongue, yet he missed the usual effect it had on him. A cold beer stood for relaxed evenings when he could stretch his sore muscles and rest his heavy lids. But he wasn't relaxed at all. In fact, his heart was still galloping like it did when he heard the keys turn in your front door, even though the incident had happened almost two hours ago.
The ugly thoughts swirling around Joel's head stuck around until the next morning.
He had anticipated waking up washed clean of them, but unfortunately, Joel found his brain instantly focusing on the things he had thought about the night before. In some way, he even felt as though they hadn't left his mind overnight. Maybe he had dreamt about them without realizing it? Maybe that was why Joel didn't feel energetic and ready for the day? At least it was Sunday, so his work wouldn't suffer from his deranged state of mind and he could rot away in the comfort of his own home.
One thing was for sure, Joel thought as he sat down at the kitchen table, a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He needed to do something, and there were many reasons to pick up his phone now to call you. He had to make sure that you were doing okay after last night's chaos, he had to ask what he had entirely forgotten to ask last night – what Sarah had wanted from you so late – and then… Yes, what? Discuss with you how the two of you would proceed from now on in order to prevent something like that from happening again?
Automatically, his brain jumped to Sarah again. She was thriving now that she was living in the big city and had the job she had always dreamed of. Joel couldn't put into words how immensely proud he was of her, and he was positive that Sarah knew that too. Just… Would their good relationship change if she found out that her father was hooking up with her boss behind her back? She most certainly would feel betrayed and lied to. But what else? Would she curse Joel for bringing so much chaos into the little cosmos she had built for herself? Would she be upset about him sneaking his way into that part of her life, and taking something away from her that was just for her?
Hurting Sarah was what Joel wanted to avoid at all costs, no matter how much he relished the time with you. Sarah was his daughter, the most important person in his life. He couldn't think of anything other than sheer disappointment and anger pouring over him if she ever caught the two of you together. And Joel couldn't even blame her. Hell, he hated himself for interfering with her work in such a way. Gosh… he really had messed up, hadn't he?
Gripped by pure and stirring panic, Joel reached for the phone. He made two typos as his fingers smashed into the buttons, which forced his heartbeat to thunder in his chest even more rapidly than it already did. But then, it was done. You picked up after the third ring, your voice a little raspy, so he assumed that you hadn't been up for long.
Fuck, he really wasn't supposed to know what your voice sounded like in the first minutes of the morning, was he?
"Hey," Joel growled into the speaker, tapping the fingers of his left hand on the desk's surface.
"Joel… hey. How are you?"
"Good. Good, yes," he spoke a little too quickly and shook his head briefly. "What about you?"
"Ehm… Good, too?" Of course, you could read him like an open book even through the phone line.
"Listen." Joel paused, releasing a deep breath that he hadn't been aware of holding until now.
"Are you sure you're okay?"
"We gotta stop this, y/n."
"Stop what?" you scoffed, seemingly yet to understand what Joel was referring to. Jesus Christ, this was tormenting.
"The thing between… us."
"What? Wait, are you saying – " Your voice started to crack, the first hints of panic shining through, which prompted his stomach to twist.
"I'm… I'm sorry, y/n. For doin' this like that."
"Doing what like that, Joel, what are you talking about?"
"We can't see each other any longer. I'm sorry."
From the sound of it, you were putting your phone down on a hard surface.
"So is this because of yesterday? You're scared that Sarah – that she's gonna find out? I promise, Joel, we're gonna be more careful. We can do this, I was just – I was stupid last night. I wasn't careful enough, but it won't happen again. If we pay better attention, something like that won't happen again."
Joel sighed heavily, head dropped forward while wave after wave of painful dread rippled through him. His instincts were simple: take the words back, tell you that everything was going to be fine and that he believed your promise that you wouldn't let it happen again. But he couldn't listen to those instincts right now. He had to keep a cool head, shove his feelings to the side and do what was right after keenly acting upon his desires for the past weeks.
"I'm sorry, y/n. But it… you see it yourself, don't ya?"
"See what?" you hissed, voice shaky like you were about to cry any moment.
"You… you're a singer. A world-famous pop star. And I… I don't fit into that kind of life. S'not where I belong."
"What?" you breathed, giving Joel a moment to gather himself and form the next words.
"I belong in my town, with the people I know and the job I know. Not in your shiny, glittery world. You know that, sweetheart. You gotta be honest with yourself."
"What – No," you exclaimed, louder now. "Joel, are you fucking kidding me? You – You feel bad about yesterday and I understand that, but there's no reason to come up with that stupid lie. This is not about fitting into my life. What are you even talking about?"
"You know what I'm talking about – "
"No. I don't."
There was a pause, both your breathing heavy. A hot pain stung behind Joel's eyes, making him rub his lids with his thumbs.
"I'm not gonna give up like you are. Yes, I messed up the other night. And I'm really sorry. But we have a good time. We – We can make this work. We have to make it work, Joel, and I – "
"Darling."
You stopped at once, perhaps it was the nickname or his tone, which was laced with quiet, restrained urgency.
"I had a good time with you. And I thank you for… shit, for takin' me on that trip with you." Joel paused to listen for any comment from you, but there was silence on the other end. "But I have a life to live. I know your life is different. Maybe it works for you like that, but it doesn't for me."
"But we can make it work, Joel, we can change this so – "
"I met someone."
Another long silence stretched, which made Joel feel so grateful and unbelievably sorry that he couldn't see your face right now. Were you crying? Or was he thinking too highly of himself to assume that you might?
"What?" you choked, your voice strangled as though a firm vice had wrapped around your throat and cut off your air supply.
"I'm sorry."
"What do you mean you met someone?" you sniffled, the rustling noise on your end making his belly coil with frustration.
"I met a woman."
"And what does that mean for me?"
"Means that…" Joel sank into his chair, pressing his flat hand to his brow. "That I had fun with you. That you were good and… and pretty company, 'n' that it was a fun experience, which was never meant to last. You're not – you're young, sweetheart. And you're a famous singer. I want you to try stuff out, travel the world – "
"Fuck you, Joel Miller."
That hurt. He could feel your words like a punch to his stomach, his body slouching a bit more.
"Darling – "
"No. Fuck you for saying that. I was fun? Good company? You're an asshole."
With that, you hung up the phone, leaving Joel sucking in air through clenched teeth.
The abrupt end, the very idea that this was how your last conversation ended put him through anguish, yet Joel could be relatively content with how it had gone. He had been aware that it wouldn't be an easy phone call, and he had been right, but at least he had pushed through it the way he had planned. Rather than getting weak the second he heard your sweet voice.
Fuck… The torment in your voice, your labored breath. If you hadn't cried before, then you definitely were now. And all of that because of him. This wasn't how it was supposed to go, you weren't supposed to cry over an old grump like him, goddamnit. But you were angry with him now, which hurt him more than anything else, yet at least he presumed that in this case, fury had a more convenient effect than sadness. Better you hated him than tried to save what the two of you had.
Even though his words had obviously been a lie, they were ensuring that you wouldn't be seeking his company any time soon, but would rather paint him as the villain in your head. He wouldn't be able to deal with your calls, you showing up at his door or trying to get his attention through Sarah. And that was what certainly would have happened if Joel had been truthful with you.
Goddamnit, you were the kind of person who believed everything could be fixed and saved as long as one believed in it strongly enough. So there was no way in hell he would have ever been able to convince you that it was wisest to stay away from each other in order to protect Sarah. So lying it was.
Joel put his phone down on the table, feeling all the remnants of his already scarce energy drain from him. That was it. He had done the right but simultaneously most cruel thing. If only he could take all the pain onto himself and spare you of it. He would have done it without the blink of an eye.
But from this point forward, all he could do was pray that your anger would drown out the agony and leave you in rage rather than misery.
Joel lasted four days before he begrudgingly downloaded Instagram on his phone.
He didn't even do it to contact you or anything like that, he just had to see you. That was all.
He had his problems finding his way around the app, but after roughly half an hour, he had discovered your account. There wasn't anything special about your little videos from your concerts, the occasional selfie from the dressing room or a short warning about stormy weather in the evening. Nothing that hinted that you were going through a heartbreak at present. Well, maybe you weren't and didn't suffer that much after all.
His exploration of your Instagram account had another great advantage. He couldn't spot a single man in any of your selfies or videos, which had to imply that you weren't seeing anyone yet. Sure, it would have been pretty uncommon to move on so quickly, but Joel had secretly feared that you would surround yourself with handsome young men to distract yourself from the suffering you might be going through. Or, another option, you just didn't suffer so much that you were in need of such entertainment.
Joel determinedly put his phone on his bedside table, sighing heavily. What was he even doing… Downloading an app he had never felt he needed just to figure out whether you had fallen into the same kind of shit hole as he had. He didn't have to be a genius to know that it wasn't quite the healthy way to cope with all of this.
The truth was that he missed you incredibly. He missed you so much that every breath he took felt short and inadequate. Every second his mind wasn't busy, his thoughts wandered off to you, and most of the time, they weren't pleasant. He wondered what you were doing right now, if there was a chance you were thinking about him, he imagined what it would feel like lying in your arms, and on some occasions, he looked out of the kitchen window, expecting you to drive up his street any second.
Those were his weakest moments, the ones when he would shake his head in disbelief and take a really large breath that didn't really improve his state.
The worst part was that he knew that this was what it was supposed to be like. Just because he longed for every part of you, your sweet voice, the way your lips twisted every time he called you his little bird or how you giggled when he kissed the inside of your wrist, didn't mean that Joel found that he had made a mistake, let alone regretted his drastic actions. It had been the right thing to do for both your sakes and Sarah's. You deserved someone who fit your life as a famous popstar, someone who could understand it and take part in it better than him.
All you received from him was a gruff scoff when you showed him your favorite outfit you had ever worn, him stupidly commenting that you looked very glittery. Joel was an idiot for ever assuming that any of this would have a healthy and functional outcome. You were destined for more, and along the way, Joel had no seat in your spaceship to the sun.
He swallowed hard, pulling his blanket up to his chin.
Every time he did that, his mind automatically drifted to you, how you loved to pepper his stubbly cheek with kisses, claiming that the stiff strands didn't hurt against your skin, which Joel couldn't quite believe.
He ran a hand over his face, feeling his wrinkles and his stubble. Still, he wished it could be your hand instead.
The next day, Joel felt like he hadn't gotten an hour of sleep, even though the clock on his nightstand showed 8.
He blinked a few times, his weary bones anchoring him to the bed even though he knew that staying beneath his blanket for too long usually resulted in roving thoughts that found their dead end at you.
It was a Sunday, so Joel couldn't help but picture what your morning looked like. You were probably busy, like always. But then again, you had always clarified that you at least needed one day a week to properly rest without endless phone calls and people waiting for you to answer their emails. Maybe you were still in bed.
Joel smiled at the memory from three weeks ago, the two of you in the hotel room during your work trip. He had woken up before you, but instead of going to the bathroom, Joel had spent a good amount of time watching your sleeping figure, roaming the curve of your nose and your parted lips.
Was there someone who had that very privilege right now? Was there a chance a guy was waking up next to you at that very moment, his eyes catching on your soft hair falling across your face?
With a deep groan, Joel reached for his phone on the bedside table, opening Instagram with a quick swipe. It was ridiculous, but he just needed to check. If he was correct, you had played a show the other night, so if you had been seen with someone or even posted a picture, it would be the perfect place to find out. Even though Joel wasn't even sure if he wanted to know.
His eyes narrowed at the tiny letters in front of him, so he quickly put on his reading glasses. You had only posted a picture of your band and you in your story, but there was no new post on your profile. Sarah had once taught him the basic functions of the social media platform, though he had deleted the app within the first few hours back then, claiming that it was much too overwhelming. Now he was grateful for his daughter's lessons, though.
Releasing a deep breath, Joel went to his home feed again. He didn't know what exactly he had expected, but at least his hopes that you weren't seeing anyone hadn't been utterly shattered yet. He just had to… Wait.
Joel's nostrils flared, his face hovering closer to the small screen. A video had popped up on his feed, a dark room full of… It was a video someone must have taken at one of your shows.
Joel quickly tapped on it and opened the caption.
April 23rd. Yesterday.
After he had turned up the volume, Joel just watched silently.
Not a single muscle in his face ticked, even though the content flickering before his eyes caused a whole thunderstorm to riot in his chest.
The video started with some of your fans excitedly screaming at the intro of one of your most emotional and heartbreaking songs. Since he had spent so much time with you in the recent months, he had obviously listened to some of your music as well or let you introduce him to your work, but he had never actually heard that one before.
It was a song on the guitar, and as the person taking the video zoomed in on the stage, he saw that it was you playing the instrument. The song was slow and different from everything he had ever heard from you before. When your voice came in, it sounded shaky, a little breathy, as though you were suppressing something in your body. Not that he was in any way an expert when it came to singing, but he assumed that the tightness in your voice wasn't supposed to be there. Even your fingers seemed to tremble a little, but then, after clearing your throat right before the chorus, you seemed to have gotten a grip on yourself.
That was until the second verse started.
The corners of Joel's mouth drew downward as he saw you choke, your quivering hand dropping and loosely dangling beside you. The fans around the person recording started shouting, making sure you were aware of their loyalty and support by exclaiming your name and cheering for you. But you seemed only mildly aware of it.
One of your hands was pressed over your mouth, eyes wide and filled with tears. At least that was if his eyes didn't trick him. The video didn't have the best quality, but given the way you had choked up halfway through the performance, it seemed natural that you were crying.
His heart hammered in his chest, his fingers curling ever so slightly. This was even more painful than lying in his bed, glaring at the ceiling and missing you with his whole being. The idea that you were struggling so hard that you couldn't even control your emotions on stage — a part of your life that you always tried to separate from your private life — was shredding his heart into pieces, and once the video was over, he had to blink away a few tears of his own.
The person had stopped recording after the song, which you had finished with great effort and a very loving crowd singing along with you. Your voice had been unstable, and Joel had heard a few wrong guitar notes, but your relief that it was over was evident.
Joel could catch the start of the wave of apologies you spoke into the microphone, but then the video ended and he was left in silence with a gaping hole in his chest. The grainy, out-of-focus clip hadn't even exposed everything there had perhaps been to see on your face, and yet just the sight of your hand covering your mouth and the broken sob had given Joel the rest. Here he had been, frightened that you were getting over him quickly, as though this hadn't meant anything to you, surrounding yourself with men to replace him. But no, he couldn't have been more wrong.
With a quiet thud, Joel put his phone on his bedside table, though he used more force than necessary.
He wanted to bury his head under the pillow, drowning out the buzzing voices in his mind. Joel wished with his whole heart that he could claim that none of what he had just seen had affected him in any significant way, but it would be a lie to say so.
You were hurting. That much was clear. A professional, disciplined artist like you didn't just break down on stage because she had a bad day. Shit… All of this was his fault. Should he have handled it better, found a softer way to explain his issues to you? Should he have just… had he made a terrible mistake? It seemed highly unlikely to him that an action that was supposed to be right could cause so much torment within the both of you. Sure, Joel hadn't lost his shit in front of a large crowd, but the past days had been hell for him too. Goddamnit, he had downloaded Instagram on his phone just because he had missed you so horrendously.
Joel couldn't stop thinking about the video for the rest of the day, but he didn't even feel surprised by that. At times, he just felt like the biggest loser in the world, and at other times, his brain was stuck on the idea of taking you into his arms after your breakdown. He would have given anything to be there, cradling you instead of being forced to watch that same clip over and over again, his throat drier every time the video started from the beginning.
At eight in the evening, Joel left his house feeling more pathetic and wretched than ever before. His living room seemed too small, the walls confining him and clouding his ability to keep a clear mind. Anything he did would be better than sitting on his couch with a painful headache.
So he got in his car, started it, and unconsciously took the familiar route to your house. Sure, somewhere within his brain, a part of him must have chosen to head to your place, but Joel had only been mildly aware of the plans he had made for himself.
Whatever. He needed to see you, to check up on you, preferably rid himself of the biting ache in his abdomen, and then… He didn't know. If you were mad at him and greeted him with hostility — which Joel wouldn't blame you for — he could at least try to tell you how badly he regretted lying to you. And that he hadn't met a woman but had wanted to make it easier for you by drawing your fury onto him. Unsuccessfully, of course.
The streets were abandoned, even though it was still early, but he preferred it like that anyway. The only person he wanted to see right now was you, and god, this desire alone made him drive faster. Screw his stupid plan of staying away from you and coming up with the worst kinds of coping mechanisms. He needed you like oxygen, like an anchor grounding him.
When he arrived at your house ten minutes later, the first thing that caught his eye was the fact that your roller shutters were pulled down. It wasn't that late, so it seemed unusual to darken one's home before the sun had set. His worry for you heightened, leaving a sour taste prickling on his tongue.
He didn't know what concerned him more, the idea of you not being home and him smoldering within the pressing walls of his house for the rest of the day, or you being in there, the living room gloomy because you didn't want to let any light in.
Joel got out of his car, senses sharpened, listening for any noise from inside your house. In the recent weeks when he had regularly shown up at yours, you had often heard his car tires and run to the door to greet him before he had the chance to knock.
Now, everything was silent. He couldn't even hear music drifting from an open window the way it normally did with you. All the windows were closed, and it seemed like you had even locked the garden gate. Which meant that if Joel hadn't known the code, he would have already rung the bell and hoped that you were home and even more so felt the desire to speak with him.
But he made it to the front door, which was obviously locked as well. Of course it was. Joel would have been even more worried if it hadn't been.
He pressed the bell once, carefully, as though he were afraid to disturb you. For a while, nothing happened, but Joel remained patient. Perhaps you were snuggled up on the couch underneath a pile of blankets and needed a while to untangle yourself. His index finger was hovering over the bell as he started to count to ten in his mind. If the house stayed absolutely silent by ten, he would —
The door opened so abruptly that Joel nearly lost his balance and fell backward. All he could do was grab the railing leading up to the porch and save himself from the tumble at the last moment, gasping loudly at the shock.
You looked… sad. You wore simple clothes, jogging pants, a plain grey shirt and thick wool socks, which indicated that you hadn't planned to see anyone that night. He had learned that you weren't at all opposed to the idea of spending a lazy day in casual clothes, but usually, you paid a great amount of attention to looking good. Joel assumed that it was a natural habit for someone as famous as you were.
"Joel," you whispered hoarsely, eyes glossy as though you had cried not long ago. His heart twisted, or at least it felt like some force was brutally tearing it from his veins and turning it a couple of times in his chest. You sounded so frail, so vulnerable and sorrowful.
Without a word, solely driven by his instincts, Joel took a stride forward and wrapped his arms around you. But before fully leaning into the hug and swallowing your frame with his larger one, he paused, carefully waiting for you to squirm or push him away. Which didn't happen. No, you immediately started to sob, your hands flying up to his chest to pinch the fabric of his shirt and tug him closer against you until his front was flush with yours.
"Darling…" Joel murmured, feeling overwhelmed by all the different emotions pouring over him like liquid fire. "Hey, it's okay… I know, I got ya."
Neither of you cared that you were standing in your doorway, your body surely freezing with only your t-shirt protecting you against the cold. Joel immediately tightened his grasp around you, shielding you not just from the pain and distress, but also from the chill of the air.
"I'm sorry, little bird… I'm so sorry." He repeated those words again and again, well aware of what effect they had on you as he stroked up your back and kissed your hairline. You softly hummed every time the nickname slipped past his lips, and then, after a couple more minutes standing so closely together, you pulled away slightly, flat palms still resting on his chest as though you wanted to make sure that he was real. And he very much was.
Joel wouldn't step back now, wouldn't find another solution to this problem but advocate for his favored version. There was no problem. Not if the two of you discussed your relationship and extensively talked through the options. Letting go was definitely off the table for now. Which was exactly why Joel didn't hesitate when you lightly pulled at his arm, guiding him inside your house, followed by a quiet hum from you as though you were trying to tell him something but couldn't quite find the right words. He understood nonetheless.
"I missed you, Joel."
Your voice still sounded a little raspy, but at least you weren't crying anymore.
"I missed you too, baby." Blindly following you to the living room, Joel kept his hand on your lower back, desperately clinging to any part of you to make up for all the times he had missed you wholeheartedly during the past days.
Then, the two of you plopped into the cushions, Joel's hands at your waist at once, dragging you against his chest.
"I'm so sorry… About all of this. I was – I was an idiot. I lied to you, there's no woman, there's no one I'd rather be with than you. I just… I freaked out after Sarah almost caught us. So I thought I had to end it as quickly as possible 'cause I can't risk drivin' an axe into our relationship. She… she went through so much with her mom and all. I was so scared that I would cause 'er pain by keepin' it from 'er."
You swallowed heavily, moving in closer so that you could straddle his thighs, hands spread across his shoulders.
"I understand that, Joel. I really do. I just wish you hadn't lied to me."
"Me too, little bird… Me too." He cupped the side of your face with his right hand, carefully drawing you closer until his lips lightly ghosted over yours. God… you felt so good against him. He hadn't kissed you in what, four days? Yet it felt like a lifetime, making him realize how much he had longed for every single part of you. Things he hadn't even been aware of had kept him under such an intense spell.
"I saw… I saw that video," Joel muttered after a while, feeling obliged to be transparent with you.
"What video?"
"From your concert."
A muscle next to your eye ticked, your throat bobbing. "You did?"
"Yes… It – I felt really bad."
You gently bit down on your bottom lip, lashes fluttering as you noticeably blinked away a fresh wave of tears.
"I felt really hurt, Joel. Because I – you made me feel like what we had didn't mean anything. And then I was on that stage and I – I sang that song which I wrote about my ex-boyfriend. He… I broke up with him six months ago. We had a really bad relationship. He didn't want to commit to anything, so he basically did whatever he wanted but told me all that sweet stuff to keep me on his fucking leash. I felt so free when I broke up with him. But when I played that song, I had to think about… you. And I was so sad because I felt like I did back then with him, but I couldn't believe that you would ever do something like that to me."
Salty drops were leaking from your eyes again, though this time, you quickly tried to wipe them away with the back of your hand.
"I'm so sorry, baby…" Joel whispered, feeling his soul splinter into pieces all over again. He had never intended to cause you such pain, to stir something within you that you had already moved on from.
"I'm sorry. But I need you to know that none of it was true. I said it because I thought if you were mad at me, you wouldn't try to fix it. I knew that if you tried to talk to me and convince me that it would work, I would get weak and throw all my good intentions overboard. So I thought it was best if you stayed away from me."
Joel moved one of his hands to the back of your head, threading through your silky strands.
"I'm really sorry. I didn't – I don't ever wanna hurt you. It's the last thing I want. I missed you and I – I felt awful. And it got even worse when I saw that video."
Sniffling softly, you shifted closer to him, nuzzling his neck and toying with his sleeves.
"What are we gonna do now, Joel? Because I don't want to stop seeing you. I don't."
"I don't know, sweetheart… But I know that I don't wanna stop seein' you either. I can't."
You let out something that resembled a desperate whimper, pressing kisses along his collarbone, which provoked Joel to close his eyes in contentment.
"I'm so sorry…" he mumbled again, as it seemed strange to him that you were spoiling him with your soft, warm lips on his skin whereas he supposed it should be him worshipping your body in a manner that befitted his apologies.
"Can we just not think about it tonight? I know we have to talk about it, and I promise, we will. And I know you just want what's best for Sarah, which I understand. We're gonna find a solution. Just… Can we have this night, Joel?"
His fingers dug into your waist, heartbeat thrumming up his throat so rapidly that Joel could feel it in his tongue as well.
"Yes, baby. We can do that… Just need you…" Joel's thumb drew tight circles over your sides, carefully travelling up your body, which made you giggle.
"I look terrible… You sure you don't want me to change or – or put on some makeup?"
"Why would I want you to change?" he growled, tenderly cupping your face and pulling you up to his level. "I want you as you are. You look beautiful, little bird. So beautiful that I feel like I don't deserve to see you right now. 'Cause I really messed up."
"Shut up," you chuckled, blushing at his praise, which made Joel's eyes spark with amusement. He couldn't believe that his compliments made you feel so flustered while you were probably showered with them on a daily basis, by fans, your team and crew. Yet here you were, barely able to look into his eyes even though he had only called you beautiful.
"You are beautiful. Always. And I would really like to show you how much I appreciate you. How much I regret all of this and… and how much I wanna continue to see you."
To his great fortune, you agreed, a sly smile playing around your lips.
Seconds later, Joel began his apology, which now took on physical forms rather than just verbal ones. You were pleased with either.
This is the last chapter of this story omg I'm getting weirdly emotional over this because I had so much fun writing it, you hope you enjoy the last part!!
Contains: crying, emotional distress, grief, angst, hurt, mentions of sex, kissing, vulnerability, trauma, alcohol use, mentions of periods, comfort, fluff
Wordcount: 10,169
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel restrained himself to the bare minimum as he gathered all his friends to join them for the brief, not very glorious ceremony.
Zion was yet to return to them, but it seemed as though no one was keen to see another person grieve Harper's passing and potentially cause more suffering to spread within the group. Which was why his absence wasn't mentioned throughout the whole afternoon.
Joel found Olivia in their shared tent, sitting against the wall with a scarf wrapped around her knees, which she had pulled to her chest. Without a word, he lowered himself in front of her, grabbed the end of the fabric and tucked it underneath her chin. Then, he leaned in to kiss her brow that felt colder than it should have considering she wore that many layers of clothing.
"Do you wanna talk to me?" he whispered and settled with one knee on the ground.
"I don't know," Olivia murmured, turning her face away from him.
"That's okay. Just look at me?"
She did, although wetness almost instantly collected in the corners of her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Joel," she pressed through tight lips and looked like there was just one very thin thread holding her composure together.
"No." He shook his head and planted his palms on her knees. "You don't tell me sorry. I'm sorry. That you had to go through this. You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. Nothing."
She twisted her neck and let out a pained yelp that reminded him of a dog that had been kicked.
"N-No… don't – Don't call me that."
"Hey…," Joel muttered, cupping her face with both hands. "What? You don't want me to – "
"Not that name… Not when I'm – I want that name for when everything's good. When we're happy."
A shudder went down his spine, which he couldn't quite classify. His thumb relentlessly wiped across her cheeks, removing some of the tears that spilled onto her skin, but it was impossible to collect them all.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry… It's okay… I'm right 'ere."
He gently scooped her up in his arms, giving her the time to pull away in case she didn't feel like sharing physical contact right now, but she didn't. In fact, Olivia snaked her arms around his back with so much ferocity, one could assume that they hadn't seen each other for months.
The most remarkable part about it was what it made Joel feel. He had expected this to be an embrace to provide stability and love for Olivia, and he certainly was doing that by holding her close to his chest. But at the same time he felt safe. Olivia felt delicate and fragile beneath his arms, yet she constituted some kind of anchor in this moment, which grounded and shielded him from the ache in his chest. And goddamnit… she was a light that filled him from within.
Faster than he was able to process it, Joel was starting to forget about the time, the fact that he was just here to get the rest of the group while poor Tommy was out there in the middle of the forest, and the fact that the sun was beginning to set. In the end, it was Olivia who ended the hug, wiped over her face with the back of her hand while Joel blinked a couple of times, remembering where he was and experiencing the sad reminder that the comfort of the moment wasn't one he could hold onto forever.
"You wanna join? We – I mean, I would understand if you didn't – "
"No. I wanna come."
Joel waited patiently while Olivia unraveled the scarf that she had rapidly draped around her torso and then helped her get up on wobbly knees. Her first few steps were unsteady, like she was still fighting with herself about whether taking part in Harper's burial was a good idea, but since she voiced no doubts, Joel silently guided her outside.
Tess was there already, leaning against a tree and sipping on an opaque bottle. Of course. He should have thought of it earlier. What better reason was there to get drunk than one of your best friends' passing.
When Luke showed up a few minutes later, Tess wordlessly handed him the bottle after catching a brief glimpse of the paleness and sunkenness of his cheeks. Joel held his breath for a moment while the young man's eyes traveled down to Tess's hands, but he released the tension when he took it and let a generous amount of the alcohol trickle down his throat.
Not a single word was exchanged on their way out to Tommy. Not even some instructions regarding the destination from Joel's side. It would have felt wrong, even with the infected that were probably lying in wait around here to strike the moment the sun had disappeared under the horizon. Hell, even raiders that might use their absence to rob their supplies seemed petty right now. Joel had experienced this kind of emptiness in his stomach before, which was why he could imagine what it must be like for Luke. What could any raider or thief take from one when they had just lost what they had deemed the most precious part of their life?
When they finally reached the clearing that wasn't really a clearing any longer since the sun was setting and a dim light was dipping everything in a greyish, colorless hue, Tommy was sitting on the ground with his back against a tree but immediately jumped to his feet once he sighted them.
Harper's body had already been placed in the hole the two brothers had dug, ready to be covered with earth and leaves that they had plenty of.
At first, no one really knew what to do or say, so the five of them just aimlessly stood around the hole, some of them suppressing tears while others were letting them flow freely.
After a few minutes, Luke suddenly sat down with his legs crossed and his hands placed flat on the mud next to him. Joel exchanged a glance with Tommy, but then he followed his example and watched as everyone else did the same.
It was definitely no part of the traditional, normal way of saying goodbye to a loved one, but Joel liked to think that they were a lot closer to Harper like this.
"Does anyone want to say something?" Tess whispered not soon after that and consciously avoided Luke's face. Yet, it was him who nodded in the end, his left hand clenching around a couple of leaves.
"Yeah," he pressed out, distinct lines forming on his forehead as his throat tremored. They gave him the time that he needed to reach a state where he could at least get the words out in a way that everyone could understand.
"Yeah." Luke drew a heavy breath, though the noise sounded shaky and unsure as he exhaled it.
"I met her three years ago. In a gas station. She was standing over a body with a gun pointed at a guy's head. Then the gun was pointed at me but I raised my hands and said I was just searching the shop for food. Harper shot me in the foot."
Joel's eyes widened a little since he had never heard of this story before.
"Then she panicked, knocked the other guy out and helped me. She saved my life after almost killing me. I was… It was the strangest two hours of my life. But ever since that day I've spent every day of my life with her. And it – it sounds like a lot, but it wasn't. 'Cause I wanted to know so much about her and – and I wanted to ask her so many things and – learn from her. 'Cause she surprised me every day and I was so fascinated by her every day and so happy because I thought it would go on like that forever. I thought we had all the time in the world. I was never scared for her. Which is weird because when you – when you love someone, you want them to be safe, but I always knew that she would be safe. I don't know why… She was terrible with guns but talented with knives… Maybe that's why. She's not the kind of person you're scared for. But I – maybe I should've."
Joel's gaze had been glued on his boots at all times during his friend's speech, and even now as he paused, he couldn't gather the strength to look around the small circle they had formed. Yet, he could hear Luke throw small portions of earth over Harper's sheathed body in the hole.
"She was the kindest person I've ever met," he then continued, although he choked on the last word. A long silence followed during which the only noise aside from the bird chirping filling the air was everyone's heavy breathing. After a second failed attempt, Tess's quiet voice rose as she put a hand on Luke's knee, somehow gesturing to him that she was here and that there was no need for him to carry the burden on his own.
"She was kind and she had the biggest heart. For everyone. She wanted to protect the innocence and help even when she shouldn't have. And she was always so – so satisfied with what she had. I always admired that so much. Sometimes I just wanted to shake her and – and tell her to scream how unfair everything is 'cause she… She – She didn't have it easy." Tess sniffled and tightened her grip on Luke's leg. "I don't – I didn't think it – it was good to keep all that anger inside her, but then I – maybe she just wasn't that angry. I think she should've sometimes. But she – she was always peaceful. Never brutal or – or spiteful. M-Maybe except for the time when she shot you."
Something that combined a cry and laughter spilled from Tess's throat and as Luke joined, no one really knew whether they were sharing a moment of despair or joy. Maybe it was a little bit of both.
"She was brave," Luke muttered into the silence after a few more minutes had passed. This time, the stillness hadn't felt forced or helpless, though. Everyone had been lost in their own thoughts, reliving certain memories they had with Harper without feeling pressured to express them if they didn't want.
Joel, in particular, had thought about the time he had told her about his daughter's death. She had been the first one of the group. Joel didn't know why it had been her, but at the same time, he knew exactly why. Everything had been so easy, so effortless with her. Still, not so easy that he would have felt underwhelmed by her reaction to his trauma. Harper had simply known when to smile, when to put a hand on his arm and when to remain quiet so that it was the least painful experience. Not that he had enjoyed digging in his memories, but in the end, something about her nature had given him a reason to share his pain with her.
Now, Luke told another story of theirs that had taken place a few weeks before Luke and Harper had met Tommy, Joel and Tess, which revolved around an old couple that had been living in the middle of the forest in a cabin equally old. According to their own tales, they had built that house years before the outbreak for exactly a case like this.
"The worst thing is that – " Luke began and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers while tears were streaming down his face. "I just – I knew her so well. Better than anyone else. And I wanna say something like She would've wanted us to go on, but I can't. Because I don't know what she would've wanted. We didn't think about it. We just had each other a-and – and a… a child on the way. It was never an option that – that one of us… We didn't let it be an option."
That was the moment Tommy stirred next to Joel and got up. Heavy boots dragged across the forest soil a few seconds later, but Joel kept his eyes shut.
This wasn't the right moment to intervene in whatever emotions might be flaring in his body.
He would give it time. An hour, maybe two. Maybe even a day, if need be. They were in no hurry. And hadn't Joel learned that healing took time? Wasn't he the best example of having a huge, bleeding wound that had only slowly and gradually closed and left a thick scar?
Time. Time usually was the very best medicine. As well as having the right people around.
He grabbed Olivia's hand and squeezed it as he brought it to his chest.
Two months later
Tommy sank onto a chair with a groan, placing a bowl of porridge on his lap. It nearly tipped over as his brother stretched to reach for a cup of coffee that was standing on the ground. Joel raised a single eyebrow, observing the action.
"You could've just asked me to hand you that but okay…" he rumbled once the edge of the mug was already touching his brother's lip.
"You could've just handed it to me but okay…" Tommy shrugged and placed the cup back on the floor, though he kept it closer to his chair this time. Then, he stirred his spoon in the thick mush and gazed at it as though it was the most delicious thing he had ever seen.
"What is that?" Joel scoffed and dropped his gaze to his own plate of canned ravioli. Suddenly, he was reconsidering whether he should have asked for a bowl of whatever that porridge thing in Tommy's lap was as well, but when a scent cloud wafted over to him, he grimaced. Banana.
"Porridge. Banana flavor," Tommy confirmed his suspicions and switched off any feelings of envy.
"Where'd you find it?"
"While I was on patrol with Olivia. In an old watchtower. Someone put it and a few other things in a bag and hid it behind a loose brick. So I immediately knew this was a goodie. And they were right. She didn't tell you?"
No, she hadn't told him. To be fair, Tommy and she had just returned from their mission, so he had barely had any time to speak to her before she had gone to the river with Tess to have a bath.
Well, next week, Joel would make sure she was paired up with him for their little missions that served exactly one purpose: Finding food, so that the group didn't have to survive on deer meat alone. But three days ago, when Olivia and he had planned to head out like they normally did every few days, she had been unable to do so due to period cramps, which was why Joel had been accompanied by Zion instead. And when she had felt better after two days lying in their tent to rest her sore body, Olivia had been paired up with Tommy because he had been the next one in line. No, next week he would rather go on patrol twice in a row if it meant he got to do it with Olivia.
Joel had already felt awful for not being with her while she had suffered in their tent, but he had tried his very best to make up for it the following day when he had laid next to her, spooned her from behind and rubbed her lower belly for several hours until his hand had gotten numb.
Truthfully, Joel had no clue whatsoever about a woman's period, but Olivia had no problem talking about it. And Joel was just as eager to learn. She had shown him the menstrual cups that she was using – which had freaked him out at first since he had no idea how they could possibly work to keep the blood from running out of a woman's vagina – she had explained to him how her cycle worked and which days were the worst ones and had allowed him to stay by her side when her twisting insides were binding her to the comforts of their tent.
Joel would be lying if he said that the topic wasn't one that had made his cheeks flush in the beginning. As someone who had grown up with a brother and not a lot of women in his life, he had been taught not to care about the woman's period, so his initial feelings toward it had been shame and embarrassment. Obviously, Olivia had been furious about the ruddy spots on his face, so she had not only told him about the biology happening inside a woman's body during her period but also made him say the technical terms multiple times until she had been satisfied. Joel had found it to be ridiculous, although her methods had paid off. At least he wasn't blushing anymore when Olivia told him that her monthly bleeding was about to start. Most of the time, leastways.
"Nah… We barely saw each other. She went to the river. With Tess," Joel now answered and took a bite of his ravioli. God, they were horrible. But better than banana porridge, right?
"Right… I should do that too."
"Yeah, you should. You smell."
Tommy chuckled quietly and chewed with an open mouth. "Why do you care, you're not sleepin' in the same tent as I. Three months ago, I would've understood you, but now you get to sleep next to your precious love."
Joel ignored the mockery in his brother's tone and chose to respond to his comment earnestly.
"I still gotta sit next to you right now, don't I?"
"You're exaggeratin'… It ain't so bad. Olivia would've told me."
Poor Olivia, Joel thought with amusement tugging at his lips. Maybe she was looking forward to going on patrol with him even more because of Tommy's bad smell. So maybe he should feel grateful toward his little brother.
"Joel?"
His head turned, caught off guard by the sudden seriousness in his voice. He wasn't sincerely offended by his teasing, was he?
"Yeah?"
"I – I gotta ask you somethin'."
Joel racked his brain as he wondered what his brother might possibly mean before he nodded because he hadn't come up with a satisfactory answer. "What?"
"I didn't ask you before. 'Cause… I guess there was so much stuff happenin' and then – then everything went so fast and we were all busy dealin' with – with… you know – and I didn't ask. I thought it would be for the best to wait. But now I don't know what I'm waitin' for anymore."
"What the fuck are you talkin' about?" Joel snorted and put the spoon back down, which provoked a clanking sound.
"Jesus… You never told me about your mission with Olivia. Not a single word. I know, there wasn't exactly time for it with all that… shit, but I – I wanna know."
"Fuck…" Joel hissed and scratched his temple thoughtfully. Right. He had never told Tommy, and that mistake hadn't even happened consciously.
Actually, he had had this very conversation with Tess a few weeks ago, and somehow his brain must have assumed that the deed was done now. The deed of informing his friends and brother of the fact that he had just thrown the plan he had tortured and rushed them with for the past four years overboard based on a spontaneous decision.
"What happened?" Tommy asked, looking between worried and confused.
"Well, I – I didn't do it," he exhaled and drummed his fingers on his knee in an intentionally relaxed manner.
"You didn't what? You didn't kill 'im?"
"I didn't," Joel said calmly, although there was a thunderstorm roaring inside his chest, and he could feel his heartbeat up in his mouth, right where a sour taste was dispersing across his tongue. Would Tommy be angry? Disappointed, for sure, but would he be furious for having to go through all this trouble just for Joel to back out in the last moment?
"You didn't kill 'im," Tommy repeated, boring a hole into his brother's profile. "Why? Was he not there?"
"He was."
"Joel, you gotta be more specific here. What happened?" Tommy was growing impatient, and he couldn't blame him for it. It was just so much easier to answer his questions rather than shape the words on his lips himself.
"He was there. I just – We were close, 'n' we had a plan. But then… I didn't do it."
An amused, disbelieving chuckle poured from Tommy's throat as he twisted his neck in order for Joel to be forced to look at him. "What are you talkin' about? Why didn't you do it?"
"I don't know," he responded, realizing in the same moment that he actually couldn't explain his behavior in a way that would satisfy his little brother. He could try and stutter what he had already tried to explain to Olivia, but no matter how hard his efforts would be, Joel doubted that Tommy would grasp what had been going on inside his head. Hell, he couldn't even himself. He remembered what he had felt like in that moment standing in the doorframe with Olivia's face inches away from him, but he was unable to put into words why he had chosen the way he had.
"You don't know," Tommy stated and ran his eyes from Joel's brow down to his intertwined fingers. "You were there, you had a plan, but you didn't do it. And you don't know why."
Of course, it sounded ridiculous out of Tommy's mouth, yet it was the most accurate way to describe the course of events.
"I… I'm really sorry."
"You don't gotta apologize to me," Tommy chuckled. "Maybe to Olivia for goin' all the way to Kansas City, but I ain't mad at you for it."
"I mean for… For bein' obsessed with it for all those months and then… not doin' it."
His brother hesitated for a while, then cleared his throat. "Okay, you're sayin' you can't explain it. But can you try at least? I just…. I would like to try and understand. A little."
Joel let out a heavy sigh that loosened something within and caused his shoulders to drop, free from tension now. Tommy definitely deserved some sort of justification, although Joel wasn't eager to give him one. When he had talked to Tess a few weeks ago, she hadn't asked many questions. Maybe she had sensed that whatever had happened between his inner voices was a phenomenon that went beyond interpersonal communication.
"I don't know, I guess – I spent all that time with Olivia there… in Kansas City." Tommy nodded slowly, giving him the encouragement he needed to go on. "But then when – when we were about to head out I was so – scared of openin' that door. 'Cause I knew that however things were gonna go, she would be in danger. And then I just thought about it for like a second. I just thought what would happen if I didn't go out there with her now? And... the idea was so nice and good that I couldn't stop thinkin' about it, you know?"
He felt a heavy hand splayed across his shoulder, applying faint pressure. "Yeah."
"I don't know what would've happened. Maybe we would've both been fine. But I… I just couldn't risk it. Because there was a chance that something would've gone wrong, and – and if it had… I don't know what I would've done. I don't think I would've been able to handle that, Tommy."
Joel finally raised his gaze, looking into Tommy's brown eyes that emitted understanding and warmth in a way that made a shudder ripple down his spine.
"Yeah… Yeah, I get that. All I asked for was some vague explanation, Joel," he laughed and patted his back. "That was a pretty good explanation."
"So I'm not crazy?" Joel asked or rather breathed.
"No, you're not crazy, Joel. You're in love. And you're makin' good choices. Responsible ones."
A muscle next to Joel's eye twitched at the word love. It was unusual, almost intimidating to hear someone else say out loud what he had heard a million times before. Only that it usually happened in his head and the voice saying it was his own, controlled by him.
"Sometimes, there's this part of me that wants me to feel bad about it. But I – I don't regret it, you know? I just – I'm not even thinkin' about it most of the time. Of course, sometimes – yeah. But… not as often as I should."
"You shouldn't have to think about anything, Joel," his brother uttered calmly, not shying away from his intense glare. "This is a good thing. You're better now than you were before 'er. That's good."
"I know…" Joel mumbled and dug the tips of his boots in the dirt. "I know it's good. But I wanna – I know it sounds crazy, but I can't just – I can't accept that I – I'm good. 'Cause sometimes it feels like I betrayed 'er. By just – by findin'… Olivia and – and bein' happy and not doin' what I planned to do all along. I don't – it feels like I just I don't… do her any justice."
Joel knew that his words might be incoherent and maybe even a complete mystery to his brother, but it was the only way he knew how to express his thoughts at all. And Tommy at least seemed to try as he nodded and grabbed the fabric of his jacket at his shoulders.
"You deserve to be happy," he whispered, drawing a guttural groan from his throat.
"Oh c'mon… Don't come to me with that bullshit."
"But it's true. You think you honor her legacy by bein' miserable?"
Joel snorted, his gaze landing on his boots. "That's not what I meant…"
"But it's what you would do if you followed your feelings. She would've wanted you to be happy. She would've liked to see you like that. You're not betrayin' anyone by findin' some love and – and peace in your life. She would've – Joel, she would've been the proudest if she knew that you found someone you love so much that you went over your own stubborn ass to protect 'em."
Tommy chuckled, and Joel had no choice but to join him, even though his voice was a bit hoarse.
"Maybe…"
"Not maybe. You're sayin' it like it's something bad. The fact that you didn't do it but left with Olivia. But just think about it. You threw a plan overboard that you made years ago just to keep 'er safe. That's good, Joel. That's really fuckin' good. And if Sarah – if she knew that, she would be happy. Can you look into my face and tell me that she wouldn't? Do you think there's any version of her that would be mad at you for protectin' the person you love instead of bringing them into danger just to realize some plan you made years ago?"
Joel released a breath and twisted his mouth thoughtfully. "I don't regret it, Tommy. I never said I did. It's just… I guess, I get in that mode of thinkin' that every time I – I experience happiness, I'm gonna get punished for it sooner or later. Like it's some sort of pact. I get to be happy for a couple of hours, but it's gonna be stolen from me again. It's worth it 'cause I – I enjoy bein' happy. But there's a catch. Or like a condition."
"And why do you think that is?"
Joel shot a glance at him, his forehead wrinkling. "What, you're my fuckin' therapist or somethin'?"
"Jesus…" Tommy sighed and playfully nudged the tip of his shoe against his shinbone. "I think you're tryin' to punish yourself for somethin' that you made up in your head. You think you'll one day be redeemed but only if you suffer long enough."
"Like Prometheus."
Tommy wheezed, scrunching his nose. "What?"
"Prometheus. He had to roll the fuckin' rocks up the hill. For stealin' the fire."
"Whatever," Tommy sniggered, then patted his back. "Maybe like Prometheus. But the point is, you don't deserve punishment. You're allowed to be happy without any conditions or pay offs. So be happy and focus on makin' her happy instead of gettin' into your own head about it. 'Cause the present is what you should care about."
Tommy received no answer from his brother that evening. What he didn't know, though, was how much his words had stuck to Joel. He carried them around all night, going over every letter so precisely, part of him felt like he owed Tommy at least some recognition for his wisdom.
Later, he laid in his tent with Olivia, an arm wrapped around her shoulder so that her head was in a more comfortable position and his brother's words still echoing in his mind.
"Do you know Prometheus?" Joel whispered into the dark, opening his right eye as Olivia raised her head.
"What?"
"Prometheus. The Greek guy who stole the fire."
She narrowed her eyes while sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. "I… think I've heard of him. Why?"
"Doesn't matter." He gently, yet with gentle firmness pushed her head back down so that it rested in the crook of his neck.
"I really love you," he whispered soon after that, his smile broadening as she squeezed herself tighter against him.
"I love you too."
He remembered well when she had said it for the first time. It hadn't been romantic or anything as they had been collecting firewood and arguing over whether a branch was dry enough to serve for their nightly campfire. Olivia had just spilled the words out mid-conversation, leaving him so swept off his feet that he had forgotten all about the controversial wood in his hand. In fact, he had even dropped it and glared at Olivia like a dumb puppy.
If you don't say it back in five seconds, I'm gonna drive this fucking branch through my chest, was what Olivia had said while he had stood in front of her, all tongue-tied and startled, his eyes probably two hollow voids. Inside, he hadn't been empty at all though. His heart had been thumping in his chest so loudly, she must have heard it for sure. And his palms had gotten all sweaty beneath the prickling layer of skin.
I – I love you. Too, Joel had answered quickly before Olivia might take it back or worse, stay true to her warning. Then, they had sealed their promise in a gentle kiss and he had to admit that maybe, the situation had become romantic after all.
Now, around two weeks after that moment, he could say it to her whenever he wanted without getting flustered and nervous. Well, he was always a little nervous around her, but nine times out of ten, he at least wasn't stammering like he was looking for the right words.
"I'm gonna go on patrol with you next week," Joel stated like it was already set in stone.
"Oh yeah?" Olivia grinned and placed a hand on his chest, feeling for his heartbeat.
"Yeah. Can't be that I'm in the camp all day while you're out there without me…"
"Even though we're such a messy duo while out?"
His wry smirk intensified at that and all the memories he had of their trips to nearby neighborhoods that were part of the city but not shielded by the wire fence of the QZ. It wasn't simply the fact that he could never concentrate the way he could when he was, say with Tommy, but also that Olivia made it way too tempting to forget their mission for a second and steal a kiss from her lips. One time, she had even gone so far as to suggest they extended their little make out session to have sex on a desk in one of the apartments, but Joel had put an end to it fast before she might take measures that would lead him to do such irresponsible things.
"Especially 'cause we're such a messy duo," Joel scoffed and suddenly rolled on top of her, pressing her into the mat with enough weight to keep her warm but not so that he would hurt her.
"That sounded different last time… If I remember correctly, you rolled your eyes when I said I wanted you to fuck me on that desk."
Joel's breath caught in his throat, his eyes darkening ever so slightly. "Darlin', I'm gonna fuck you whenever you want it, just not while we're in an old apartment building with infected in the room next door."
"But that's what makes it all so exciting…" she muttered, and Joel didn't doubt for a second that she actually meant it.
"Yeah? You think it's exciting that we can get killed any moment when some infected hears us?"
"Means that we would have to be quiet…" Olivia murmured, her sultry voice dripping with lust, though he couldn't quite tell if a part of it was sarcasm.
"You're crazy."
"I'm not crazy," she protested at once, furrowing her brow. "I just really like being with you… That's not my fault."
"I like being with you too, and I don't come up with those stupid ideas."
Pouting a little, Olivia poked him in his chest. "Not stupid, silly. You just haven't tried it out before…"
"Oh, but you have?"
"No," she grinned. "But I know that it would be great. I just know it."
Joel exhaled heavily while brushing a few strands of her hair behind her ear so that he had access to her whole face. "Then I'm just gonna leave next time and give you some time with you alone to try it out… And then you can tell me all about how great it is."
"Fuck you," Olivia hissed over his laughter, but he just covered her chin with kisses. "You act like I'm this insane monster who can't go a day without fucking. Which is unfair."
"Oh yeah?" Joel said and teasingly drove his upper teeth into her skin.
"Yeah. It's not fair. You're just as needy as I am."
Joel pulled away for a moment to lick his own lips, his face wearing a mirthful smile. "Oh I am, sweetheart… S'why I even told you that I wanna go on patrol with you in the first place. You remember?"
Olivia twisted her mouth, clearly still contemplating whether to keep up the sulky façade longer or give in. "Yeah."
"Good… 'Cause I missed you all day today."
All the pretended grumpiness was swept off her face at once, her teeth shining as she bared them and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"I missed you too. It was actually really fucking boring with Tommy…"
"Oh yeah? Why?"
"I was just thinking about you all the time… So I couldn't even listen to him."
Joel knew that she was definitely lying since she and his little brother usually got along very well and shared a similar sense of humor, but he appreciated the fact that she was trying to make him feel better about spending the day separated from him.
"I'm sorry, then… How's your belly by the way?" Joel reached out to her clothed stomach, pressing gently right where she had complained her insides were tearing just two days ago.
"Better. Especially like this."
"Like this?" Joel asked with raised eyebrows and began rubbing her covered skin in small circles.
"Yeah. S'really good…"
Joel cursed the fact that due to the sleeping bag, it would be nearly impossible to slip his hand underneath and touch her bare skin without forcing her to kick away the much needed covers. But it was fine like this, and Olivia's soft purring made him believe that his methods were already working despite the layers between his hands and her belly.
"Joel?"
He paused for a moment, but her fingers were snatching his wrist immediately and urged him to continue his soothing circles. "What?"
"I'm really tired… But I don't want you to stop."
He nearly had to laugh at her closed eyes in combination with the crease upon her forehead but didn't want to stir her peaceful position. So all he did was roll off her, kiss her temple at her disapproving hum and lull her in that warm embrace again. Moving her the closest to him that was humanly possible, Joel rested his lips on top of her head without stopping the gentle rubbing. That was the moment Olivia's blissful contentment set in again, and her face muscles relaxed.
"Thank you," she breathed and ran her hand along his forearm.
"You're welcome, darling. You can fall asleep… I'm right 'ere… And I ain't gonna stop…"
Well, at some point, Joel did stop because he dozed off as well.
Fortunately it happened way after Olivia had entered the land of dreams, so she didn't notice how his heavy hand halted over her stomach and how his already steady breathing eased to a continuous, slow rhythm.
Three days later, Joel and Olivia were finally able to go on their patrol together, even though it might be worth mentioning that he was suffering from a bad muscle ache from the day before when he had gone on a mission with Tess. It was worth it, he told himself, and straightened up with a spinning head that morning.
The day was a long, yet not quite an exhausting one. It never really was with Olivia, since the time he got to spend with her never felt weighty or grueling, no matter what they were doing. Even the hike up a hill to reach a little settlement north of the city happened fast and without as much as a single complaint about the blazing sun beaming on his neck. It wasn't a warm day, but the sun was strong, which was why Joel preferred the forest over the open meadows. Besides, one always felt a lot safer with the protection of the trees to their left and right.
After a brief lunch at noon, Joel and Olivia scouted the rest of the area, killed a couple of infected from a long distance and gathered some useful things such as ammunition and matches in a shed next to a farmhouse. After that, they returned to the camp since the sky looked like it might rain soon.
Once back with the others, Joel instantly sensed that something was different. It wasn't anything about the content of their words but rather the way Tommy blinked more frequently than usual, or how no one really seemed to know what to do with their hands and fingers while Joel and Olivia reported on their mission.
Fortunately, they didn't have to wait long for whatever it was that was lingering in the air tonight. Based on previous experiences, Joel almost feared the worst as Tommy asked the two of them to sit down around the campfire with the rest, but Olivia's reassuring squeeze grounded him in indescribable ways.
"We wanted to talk to you," Tommy started, but then settled his gaze at Luke. "Actually… he did. First."
Olivia and Joel's eyebrows shot at the same time, but the young man didn't grant them much time to wonder what his announcement might be about as he cleared his throat at once.
"I only discussed it with Tommy, Tess and Zion today. So it… it's not like I've been keeping it from you guys," Luke spoke calmly.
Nodding slowly, Olivia tapped the tip of her shoe on the ground. "Sure."
"I've been thinking a lot the past weeks. About the future. About what I wanna do next. It… Obviously the past weeks were hard and I – I didn't really know what the point was." He cleared his throat again, like there was something sitting in his airways that he wasn't able to remove. "I still don't. But I know what I wanna do next."
There was a pause during which Joel clenched his hand around Olivia's fingers with more force.
"I… I wanna go to Cleveland and find her family. I… I think they deserve to know. And before that, I wanna find out what happened to her. Because they deserve to know that too."
Swallowing hard, Joel found it hard to find the right words to respond. He wanted to express his dismay about a possible goodbye to Luke, but at the same time, he could understand his feelings toward meeting Harper's family, so he didn't want to sound too regretful. Fortunately, Olivia took it upon herself to answer before Joel could.
"Yeah, I think that would be a kind act. Do you know where exactly they live?"
Luke shook his head. "Not exactly. Cleveland doesn't have a QZ, so of course there's a chance they fled to another town. But I figure it would be close by. I just wanna try. Her sister lives in Ohio too, so maybe I might find her. She – Harper, she told me so much about her. And I guess I would like to meet her."
His voice was a little raw, breaking during some parts, but he pulled himself together before the memory of his girlfriend would tear his wounds open all over again and result in another crying attack.
"I understand…" Olivia murmured and pulled Joel's hand – still tangled with hers – on her lap. "You should do what you think is right for you. If that's traveling to Ohio, I'm not gonna try and stop you."
"Same goes for me," Joel threw in and nodded in agreement a few times. "Of course I ain't gonna like to watch you leave, but I get it. I think we all do."
Luke released a breath that had been stuck in the back of his throat and let his eyes scurry over the assembled group of people before him.
"Good… thanks," he absent-mindedly murmured before his eyes remained on Tommy, who suddenly looked quite uncomfortable in his chair.
"Yeah, okay, I… There's something I wanted to discuss as well… Or actually – we wanted to discuss."
He didn't clarify further who we was exactly, but based on Tess and Zion's awkward silence and how they deliberately and casually tapped their fingers on their thighs, it wasn't a hard guess.
"What's that?" Joel asked and hoped the others hadn't decided to join Luke. There was no way he would want that. No, there must be something else…
"We've been talking about it for a while… Not really – I mean, the topic's been brought up…" Tommy helplessly craned his neck, capturing the frightened wide eyes of Zion and Tess's thin lips.
"We also thought about our future," Tess interrupted his friend and freed him from his torment. "We didn't really know what was gonna happen now. Before, our goal was to get to Kansas City, but after you two did whatever the hell that was, we were forced to think about the future. We talked about it for the first time while you were gone. I think it was… it was just a thought for the future. Like… you know, someday. Maybe."
"What are you talking about?" Joel spoke lowly, irritated by the fuss they were making about their announcement. If Tommy and Zion were that nervous and Tess spent hours talking about the topic, did that mean it was something bad? Something that they knew would upset him or Olivia?
"We thought about joining the fireflies, Joel."
His first reaction was amusement, so he let out a snort without restraint. "What?"
But then, as not one of them showed a single sign of cheerfulness on their faces, his own grin faded away slowly, leaving an expression of disbelief to pull at his features.
"What do you mean?" he asked, feeling Olivia stir next to him. "You wanna join the fireflies? Just like that?"
"First, we were just talking about them and that we agree with some of the stuff they want. Actually, with a lot of stuff. And then – then Zion said that he could see himself joining. One day. That was the idea at first… But then we discussed it more and more, their – their way of handling things. And how they organize their resistance. And… at some point, we were all… pretty fond of them."
Joel's eyebrows were drawn together now, a deep crease marking his upper face.
"What?" he hissed, sharp and cutting like the hiss of a snake.
"There ain't no reason to freak out, Joel," Tommy tried to calm him, though his widened eyes betrayed the relaxed demeanor. "We just… We just wanted to talk to you guys about it. To… just to let you know for now."
"What is there to talk about?" Joel grunted deprecatingly, shaking his head as he felt his stomach coil with seething heat that burned straight to his core whether he liked it or not.
"You wanna join the fireflies. Have you lost your goddamn mind?" Joel barked and let his gaze travel over Tommy's face, then Zion's and Tess's at last. He felt Olivia's fingers grip his hand tighter, but he didn't know whether she intended to soothe him or if she was equally upset.
"I don't understand why you hate them so much," Tess voiced and crossed her legs, resting her chin on her palm. "They actually make a difference in a lot of cities."
"A difference? Yeah, they fuckin' make a difference. By makin' the lives of millions of people worse than they already are."
"Revolution takes sacrifice. And willpower. And patience."
Joel laughed dryly with not a hint of earnest warmth behind the sound. "They can make as many sacrifices as they like. But they ain't got no right to make the lives of the people livin' inside the QZs worse. They have no part in it. But if the fireflies bomb half of the city includin' the fuckin' food supplies, the people are the first to experience the consequences. 'Cause FEDRA will let 'em starve and be even more cruel than they already are."
Tess sniffled and bit down on her bottom lip. "Okay, so we are on the same page here. About FEDRA."
"That they're evil motherfuckers? Yeah." Gritting his teeth, Joel's eyes were small slits that scrutinized Tess suspiciously.
"Good. So we agree that what they're doing is not okay. And that it has to change."
"Yeah, I guess."
"But you don't agree with their way of resistance."
"No, I don't. 'Cause I don't think it's resistance if you make the lives of the normal people worse. That's just – That's absurd."
It was Zion who suddenly cleared his throat and therefore received everyone's attention.
"But this is not how revolution works, Joel. It's a slow process. We – They live day to day, they don't have many resources, but they're doing what they can. It will take time, and it might be months or years before real progress starts showing, but – but it's gonna change something."
"And how do you know that? How do you know that it will work?"
"'Cause we have many examples in human history."
Joel slowly folded his arms in front of his chest and tilted his head challengingly.
"And you also got an appropriate example of how a resistance group has beat their evil oppressors during an apocalypse? You don't know, Zion. It's that simple. But you still accept the sacrifice of so many people's suffering because you think it might pay off one day. What about the people who're dyin' right now 'cause they're getting beaten to death by some FEDRA asshole or starve to death 'cause the fireflies blew up some building? Are they happy that they gave their lives for the fireflies? Do they ask those people if they wanna be part of it?"
For a moment, no one answered. Even Zion, who previously had held a bright shimmer in his eyes had sunk deeper in his chair and was now swallowing audibly.
"We have different opinions on this matter. And that's okay. I don't think the fireflies make those people's lives significantly worse than they already are. And I think if they do, it's gonna be worth it."
"I think you're just idealistic. And you can't see the truth."
Zion let out a throaty groan, rolling his eyes back in his head. "And what's the truth, Joel? What would you do instead to make the world better?"
"It's not my job to come up with something 'cause I don't gather thousands of young, hopeful people behind me and claim that I got the perfect solution."
"So you're saying me, Tess and Tommy, we're the young, hopeful, stupid people who gather behind them?"
He wheezed softly, shaking his head a few times. "I didn't say stupid."
"But it's what you're thinking, isn't it?" Tess threw in and leaned forward, planting her elbows on her spread knees.
"You know my opinion," Joel replied briefly and turned his neck to look at Olivia, who had remained noticeably silent about the matter. He would really like to know what was going on behind her forehead right now and whether she agreed with what he had said or not.
"Anyway. We're convinced. And we're gonna act according to it."
"Oh, you're convinced. A minute ago, it was just we like their ideas."
"C'mon, Joel…" Tommy breathed and cast him a pleading look, which evoked something resembling a feeling of guilt within him. He didn't want to be heartless, but at the same time, how was he supposed to cheer on his brother while he walked straight toward ruin?
"What? You wanna join 'em, great. When does the journey start?"
Although Tommy and Tess exhaled through their noses, their expressions serious and even a trifle sad, Zion answered the question seriously.
"A few weeks ago when – when it happened… right when you two returned, I – I met a friend near Sedalia. She's got ties to the fireflies. And she got me in contact with them."
So that was what Zion's date with that mysterious friend had been about. He faintly remembered asking Tess about the reason behind his trip into the city, but he hadn't gotten a coherent, logical explanation, which had stuck out to him back then. He just hadn't dug any further than that. Well, now he had it.
"And that means?"
"We're gonna meet with some of them in Sedalia. In a couple of days. We don't know yet what's gonna happen. But of course, they're always looking for recruits and we… we just wanna see what it's like. If we could imagine joining them."
Awkward silence spread across the thin air between them. Nobody really knew what to say, and Joel least of all. They didn't seriously expect his blessing now, did they?
"Joel?" Tommy's quiet voice lingered in the air, resonating in his ears a few seconds longer while his throat tightened.
"What?"
"Just… I know that you don't approve. But… I just – "
Driven by the spontaneous need for a change of scenery, Joel stood up so abruptly, whatever Tommy had meant to say got stuck in his throat.
"I'm sorry. I gotta – I'll be back."
He didn't clarify further how they were supposed to interpret the phrase I'll be back, but before any of them could stop him, he had already hastened toward his tent and roughly pulled at the zipper. A brief moment without the charged, heavy air and the piercing gazes upon him felt magical, and Joel threw his head back while releasing a breath he had held.
He had been secretly hoping for Olivia to join him the moment he had entered his tent, but she made him wait. A long time. Joel wasn't even fully aware of what he was anticipating would happen in a conversation with her, but he longed for her presence nonetheless. Maybe it was just that, her presence, her warmth and her ability to make him laugh, no matter what.
But as the zip was pulled around two hours later, his initial reaction was fear about what their discussion could possibly bring. Hell, he didn't even know what he wanted. Tommy, Tess and Zion had just revealed their big plans for the next months, maybe even years, but it had all happened too fast for him.
He couldn't join them. Not only did it not align with his morals, but he also simply had no desire to spend the next years as a prisoner inside a QZ. He wanted to leave that era behind and rather relish the freedom of going wherever he wanted, even if it was just a couple of trees and a sparkling river. But what was the alternative? Creeping through the woods on his own? And what about Olivia? She hadn't said a single word all throughout the conversation, so what if she was considering leaving with the others? Would he have no choice but to join the fireflies as well, if anything just to be with her? Of course, he would do it. Without any reluctance.
"Hey…" Olivia spoke softly, crawling inside the tent with so much tenderness, she acted like she didn't want to wake him up even though he hadn't even been asleep.
"Hi. I'm sorry for… for leavin' earlier. I just – I couldn't stand it."
"It's okay," she smiled and sat down next to him, pulling her knees to her chest. He wanted to tug her closer, preferably have her sit between his legs with her back pressed against his front, so that he could perfectly hug her from behind, but perhaps the moment didn't exactly fit that urge.
"What'd you – I mean, did you talk to them?"
"I did," she responded calmly and tucked her hair behind her ear.
"And… what did you say?" The sudden tension in his shoulders and chest was overwhelming and reminded him of being startled by someone's unexpected appearance out of nowhere. Only that this breathlessness lasted for as long as Olivia didn't begin to speak.
"I… Well, I heard their arguments. I learned more about the fireflies and… and specifically the ones here in Sedalia."
Joel's insides cramped as a cold shiver undulated down his spine. She was about to say it. And he would have no choice but to agree and promise his devotion. That he was going to follow her anywhere.
"And I mean I wouldn't go so far as to say that what they're doing is complete bullshit… I understand you, but I guess – I guess they have potential." Olivia shifted a little closer, close enough to bring a hand to his cheek.
"But I actually got other plans already."
Something inside his body jumped, his heart skipping a beat and his pulse racing behind his wrist.
"I… I really would've loved to join them. And I told them that. But I also said that I had some really important plans that I can't delay."
Joel's head spun like a rollercoaster, his vision blurry both from her words and how her hand rubbed along his cheekbone.
"What plans do you got?" he whispered under his breath, consumed by this wave of hope that he couldn't control. He tried his best to await her next words and actually listen to what she had in mind before he let the shackles holding his joy together break, but it was difficult to do so while her lips were so close to his ear.
"There's a man I really like. And I would really like to take that man all around the world… Or let's say, Missouri first. Then, maybe the rest of the world. Maybe just hiking across the continent… finding nice places and going where we haven't been before. Or maybe… maybe we'll find a little cabin in the middle of the forest. Or… we find a settlement where they take in loners like the two of us. But do you know what I would really like to find?"
She kissed him right below his ear, and Joel couldn't fight the hairs on his arms and nape stiffening. There was no reason to fight it, anyway.
"What?"
"A guitar. I would like to find a guitar. Because that man hasn't sung anything for me yet. And I can't accept that."
"A guitar?" Joel scoffed and finally raised his hand as well, burying it in the hair at the back of her head.
"Yeah. And then I would like to play that guitar all day. Whatever we're gonna do… Maybe in our little cabin. Or in the settlement. Or on our hike."
"You wanna play the guitar and hike at the same time?"
"Of course not, silly," Olivia laughed and scrunched her nose while tracing the patchy beard stubble on his face. "But in the evenings… around the campfire."
"And who's gonna carry that guitar?" Joel wondered next.
"We're gonna carry it. In turns. I haven't figured out the exact logistics yet, but I will."
"So you… you really wanna – I mean, you don't wanna go with them?" he whispered, his undertone serious all of a sudden. And so was Olivia.
"No. As I said, I'm not – I don't think the fireflies are that horrible, but it's not what I want. It's not where I see myself."
"You see yourself in a rancid tent with me in the middle of Missouri?" Joel chuckled and yanked her a little closer, his lips inches away from her.
"Darling… That's exactly where I see myself. Maybe even with a leaking ceiling, so the rain is gonna drip onto our hair, but we're just gonna pretend that we didn't see it. And with the guitar, of course."
The corner of his mouth curled before he kissed her gently.
"I want that," he said plainly. "I want nothing more than that. And maybe I would like a cabin even more."
"Yeah?" she whispered and raked her hands up his front, setting them on his broad shoulders.
"Yeah. Can't be good for our knees to walk around all day. Maybe it'd be good to stay in one place for a bit… And we can still go on strolls."
"Exactly," Olivia agreed, chuckling so quietly, he could scarcely hear the noise, though her face was so close to him.
"Promise you won't grow tired o'me?" Joel then asked, mixing a certain amount of sarcasm with something truthful lying within his voice.
"You think I could grow tired of you?" Olivia muttered and ran her hands over the side of his head like she intended to carve every crack and every joint inside her memory.
"Maybe… after months?"
"I don't think so, silly. I think I'll be pretty happy."
He didn't even try to blink away the tears.
"I love you," he just breathed, his voice hollow and hoarse. "And it's – I thought it would be harder."
"To love?" Olivia smiled, her forehead touching his with the faintest hint of pressure.
"Yeah. I thought… I thought it would just take from me. Like it did back then." Joel's large palms cradled her head as she closed her eyes, letting out a controlled, labored breath.
"I'm not gonna let it take from you, Joel Miller. No… if that's gonna happen, we're gonna be renegotiating…"
"Yeah," Joel mumbled, his eyes shut now as well. Everything was light and soft, her skin, her breath and his heart. It felt so careless and free in that moment that he even thought about making up with Tommy the next morning. And Tess and Zion, too. He would tell them that although he didn't agree with everything, he respected their opinions and their will to contribute to making the world a little better.
Yes, he would do that.
Joel and Olivia's lips touched again, more longing and more passionate this time.
And he knew that wherever he may be in a month or two, in a cabin or beneath the open sky, he would be right where he was supposed to be.
This is the last chapter of this story omg I'm getting weirdly emotional over this because I had so much fun writing it, you hope you enjoy the last part!!
Contains: crying, emotional distress, grief, angst, hurt, mentions of sex, kissing, vulnerability, trauma, alcohol use, mentions of periods, comfort, fluff
Wordcount: 10,169
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel restrained himself to the bare minimum as he gathered all his friends to join them for the brief, not very glorious ceremony.
Zion was yet to return to them, but it seemed as though no one was keen to see another person grieve Harper's passing and potentially cause more suffering to spread within the group. Which was why his absence wasn't mentioned throughout the whole afternoon.
Joel found Olivia in their shared tent, sitting against the wall with a scarf wrapped around her knees, which she had pulled to her chest. Without a word, he lowered himself in front of her, grabbed the end of the fabric and tucked it underneath her chin. Then, he leaned in to kiss her brow that felt colder than it should have considering she wore that many layers of clothing.
"Do you wanna talk to me?" he whispered and settled with one knee on the ground.
"I don't know," Olivia murmured, turning her face away from him.
"That's okay. Just look at me?"
She did, although wetness almost instantly collected in the corners of her eyes.
"I'm sorry, Joel," she pressed through tight lips and looked like there was just one very thin thread holding her composure together.
"No." He shook his head and planted his palms on her knees. "You don't tell me sorry. I'm sorry. That you had to go through this. You did nothing wrong, sweetheart. Nothing."
She twisted her neck and let out a pained yelp that reminded him of a dog that had been kicked.
"N-No… don't – Don't call me that."
"Hey…," Joel muttered, cupping her face with both hands. "What? You don't want me to – "
"Not that name… Not when I'm – I want that name for when everything's good. When we're happy."
A shudder went down his spine, which he couldn't quite classify. His thumb relentlessly wiped across her cheeks, removing some of the tears that spilled onto her skin, but it was impossible to collect them all.
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry… It's okay… I'm right 'ere."
He gently scooped her up in his arms, giving her the time to pull away in case she didn't feel like sharing physical contact right now, but she didn't. In fact, Olivia snaked her arms around his back with so much ferocity, one could assume that they hadn't seen each other for months.
The most remarkable part about it was what it made Joel feel. He had expected this to be an embrace to provide stability and love for Olivia, and he certainly was doing that by holding her close to his chest. But at the same time he felt safe. Olivia felt delicate and fragile beneath his arms, yet she constituted some kind of anchor in this moment, which grounded and shielded him from the ache in his chest. And goddamnit… she was a light that filled him from within.
Faster than he was able to process it, Joel was starting to forget about the time, the fact that he was just here to get the rest of the group while poor Tommy was out there in the middle of the forest, and the fact that the sun was beginning to set. In the end, it was Olivia who ended the hug, wiped over her face with the back of her hand while Joel blinked a couple of times, remembering where he was and experiencing the sad reminder that the comfort of the moment wasn't one he could hold onto forever.
"You wanna join? We – I mean, I would understand if you didn't – "
"No. I wanna come."
Joel waited patiently while Olivia unraveled the scarf that she had rapidly draped around her torso and then helped her get up on wobbly knees. Her first few steps were unsteady, like she was still fighting with herself about whether taking part in Harper's burial was a good idea, but since she voiced no doubts, Joel silently guided her outside.
Tess was there already, leaning against a tree and sipping on an opaque bottle. Of course. He should have thought of it earlier. What better reason was there to get drunk than one of your best friends' passing.
When Luke showed up a few minutes later, Tess wordlessly handed him the bottle after catching a brief glimpse of the paleness and sunkenness of his cheeks. Joel held his breath for a moment while the young man's eyes traveled down to Tess's hands, but he released the tension when he took it and let a generous amount of the alcohol trickle down his throat.
Not a single word was exchanged on their way out to Tommy. Not even some instructions regarding the destination from Joel's side. It would have felt wrong, even with the infected that were probably lying in wait around here to strike the moment the sun had disappeared under the horizon. Hell, even raiders that might use their absence to rob their supplies seemed petty right now. Joel had experienced this kind of emptiness in his stomach before, which was why he could imagine what it must be like for Luke. What could any raider or thief take from one when they had just lost what they had deemed the most precious part of their life?
When they finally reached the clearing that wasn't really a clearing any longer since the sun was setting and a dim light was dipping everything in a greyish, colorless hue, Tommy was sitting on the ground with his back against a tree but immediately jumped to his feet once he sighted them.
Harper's body had already been placed in the hole the two brothers had dug, ready to be covered with earth and leaves that they had plenty of.
At first, no one really knew what to do or say, so the five of them just aimlessly stood around the hole, some of them suppressing tears while others were letting them flow freely.
After a few minutes, Luke suddenly sat down with his legs crossed and his hands placed flat on the mud next to him. Joel exchanged a glance with Tommy, but then he followed his example and watched as everyone else did the same.
It was definitely no part of the traditional, normal way of saying goodbye to a loved one, but Joel liked to think that they were a lot closer to Harper like this.
"Does anyone want to say something?" Tess whispered not soon after that and consciously avoided Luke's face. Yet, it was him who nodded in the end, his left hand clenching around a couple of leaves.
"Yeah," he pressed out, distinct lines forming on his forehead as his throat tremored. They gave him the time that he needed to reach a state where he could at least get the words out in a way that everyone could understand.
"Yeah." Luke drew a heavy breath, though the noise sounded shaky and unsure as he exhaled it.
"I met her three years ago. In a gas station. She was standing over a body with a gun pointed at a guy's head. Then the gun was pointed at me but I raised my hands and said I was just searching the shop for food. Harper shot me in the foot."
Joel's eyes widened a little since he had never heard of this story before.
"Then she panicked, knocked the other guy out and helped me. She saved my life after almost killing me. I was… It was the strangest two hours of my life. But ever since that day I've spent every day of my life with her. And it – it sounds like a lot, but it wasn't. 'Cause I wanted to know so much about her and – and I wanted to ask her so many things and – learn from her. 'Cause she surprised me every day and I was so fascinated by her every day and so happy because I thought it would go on like that forever. I thought we had all the time in the world. I was never scared for her. Which is weird because when you – when you love someone, you want them to be safe, but I always knew that she would be safe. I don't know why… She was terrible with guns but talented with knives… Maybe that's why. She's not the kind of person you're scared for. But I – maybe I should've."
Joel's gaze had been glued on his boots at all times during his friend's speech, and even now as he paused, he couldn't gather the strength to look around the small circle they had formed. Yet, he could hear Luke throw small portions of earth over Harper's sheathed body in the hole.
"She was the kindest person I've ever met," he then continued, although he choked on the last word. A long silence followed during which the only noise aside from the bird chirping filling the air was everyone's heavy breathing. After a second failed attempt, Tess's quiet voice rose as she put a hand on Luke's knee, somehow gesturing to him that she was here and that there was no need for him to carry the burden on his own.
"She was kind and she had the biggest heart. For everyone. She wanted to protect the innocence and help even when she shouldn't have. And she was always so – so satisfied with what she had. I always admired that so much. Sometimes I just wanted to shake her and – and tell her to scream how unfair everything is 'cause she… She – She didn't have it easy." Tess sniffled and tightened her grip on Luke's leg. "I don't – I didn't think it – it was good to keep all that anger inside her, but then I – maybe she just wasn't that angry. I think she should've sometimes. But she – she was always peaceful. Never brutal or – or spiteful. M-Maybe except for the time when she shot you."
Something that combined a cry and laughter spilled from Tess's throat and as Luke joined, no one really knew whether they were sharing a moment of despair or joy. Maybe it was a little bit of both.
"She was brave," Luke muttered into the silence after a few more minutes had passed. This time, the stillness hadn't felt forced or helpless, though. Everyone had been lost in their own thoughts, reliving certain memories they had with Harper without feeling pressured to express them if they didn't want.
Joel, in particular, had thought about the time he had told her about his daughter's death. She had been the first one of the group. Joel didn't know why it had been her, but at the same time, he knew exactly why. Everything had been so easy, so effortless with her. Still, not so easy that he would have felt underwhelmed by her reaction to his trauma. Harper had simply known when to smile, when to put a hand on his arm and when to remain quiet so that it was the least painful experience. Not that he had enjoyed digging in his memories, but in the end, something about her nature had given him a reason to share his pain with her.
Now, Luke told another story of theirs that had taken place a few weeks before Luke and Harper had met Tommy, Joel and Tess, which revolved around an old couple that had been living in the middle of the forest in a cabin equally old. According to their own tales, they had built that house years before the outbreak for exactly a case like this.
"The worst thing is that – " Luke began and pinched the bridge of his nose between two fingers while tears were streaming down his face. "I just – I knew her so well. Better than anyone else. And I wanna say something like She would've wanted us to go on, but I can't. Because I don't know what she would've wanted. We didn't think about it. We just had each other a-and – and a… a child on the way. It was never an option that – that one of us… We didn't let it be an option."
That was the moment Tommy stirred next to Joel and got up. Heavy boots dragged across the forest soil a few seconds later, but Joel kept his eyes shut.
This wasn't the right moment to intervene in whatever emotions might be flaring in his body.
He would give it time. An hour, maybe two. Maybe even a day, if need be. They were in no hurry. And hadn't Joel learned that healing took time? Wasn't he the best example of having a huge, bleeding wound that had only slowly and gradually closed and left a thick scar?
Time. Time usually was the very best medicine. As well as having the right people around.
He grabbed Olivia's hand and squeezed it as he brought it to his chest.
Two months later
Tommy sank onto a chair with a groan, placing a bowl of porridge on his lap. It nearly tipped over as his brother stretched to reach for a cup of coffee that was standing on the ground. Joel raised a single eyebrow, observing the action.
"You could've just asked me to hand you that but okay…" he rumbled once the edge of the mug was already touching his brother's lip.
"You could've just handed it to me but okay…" Tommy shrugged and placed the cup back on the floor, though he kept it closer to his chair this time. Then, he stirred his spoon in the thick mush and gazed at it as though it was the most delicious thing he had ever seen.
"What is that?" Joel scoffed and dropped his gaze to his own plate of canned ravioli. Suddenly, he was reconsidering whether he should have asked for a bowl of whatever that porridge thing in Tommy's lap was as well, but when a scent cloud wafted over to him, he grimaced. Banana.
"Porridge. Banana flavor," Tommy confirmed his suspicions and switched off any feelings of envy.
"Where'd you find it?"
"While I was on patrol with Olivia. In an old watchtower. Someone put it and a few other things in a bag and hid it behind a loose brick. So I immediately knew this was a goodie. And they were right. She didn't tell you?"
No, she hadn't told him. To be fair, Tommy and she had just returned from their mission, so he had barely had any time to speak to her before she had gone to the river with Tess to have a bath.
Well, next week, Joel would make sure she was paired up with him for their little missions that served exactly one purpose: Finding food, so that the group didn't have to survive on deer meat alone. But three days ago, when Olivia and he had planned to head out like they normally did every few days, she had been unable to do so due to period cramps, which was why Joel had been accompanied by Zion instead. And when she had felt better after two days lying in their tent to rest her sore body, Olivia had been paired up with Tommy because he had been the next one in line. No, next week he would rather go on patrol twice in a row if it meant he got to do it with Olivia.
Joel had already felt awful for not being with her while she had suffered in their tent, but he had tried his very best to make up for it the following day when he had laid next to her, spooned her from behind and rubbed her lower belly for several hours until his hand had gotten numb.
Truthfully, Joel had no clue whatsoever about a woman's period, but Olivia had no problem talking about it. And Joel was just as eager to learn. She had shown him the menstrual cups that she was using – which had freaked him out at first since he had no idea how they could possibly work to keep the blood from running out of a woman's vagina – she had explained to him how her cycle worked and which days were the worst ones and had allowed him to stay by her side when her twisting insides were binding her to the comforts of their tent.
Joel would be lying if he said that the topic wasn't one that had made his cheeks flush in the beginning. As someone who had grown up with a brother and not a lot of women in his life, he had been taught not to care about the woman's period, so his initial feelings toward it had been shame and embarrassment. Obviously, Olivia had been furious about the ruddy spots on his face, so she had not only told him about the biology happening inside a woman's body during her period but also made him say the technical terms multiple times until she had been satisfied. Joel had found it to be ridiculous, although her methods had paid off. At least he wasn't blushing anymore when Olivia told him that her monthly bleeding was about to start. Most of the time, leastways.
"Nah… We barely saw each other. She went to the river. With Tess," Joel now answered and took a bite of his ravioli. God, they were horrible. But better than banana porridge, right?
"Right… I should do that too."
"Yeah, you should. You smell."
Tommy chuckled quietly and chewed with an open mouth. "Why do you care, you're not sleepin' in the same tent as I. Three months ago, I would've understood you, but now you get to sleep next to your precious love."
Joel ignored the mockery in his brother's tone and chose to respond to his comment earnestly.
"I still gotta sit next to you right now, don't I?"
"You're exaggeratin'… It ain't so bad. Olivia would've told me."
Poor Olivia, Joel thought with amusement tugging at his lips. Maybe she was looking forward to going on patrol with him even more because of Tommy's bad smell. So maybe he should feel grateful toward his little brother.
"Joel?"
His head turned, caught off guard by the sudden seriousness in his voice. He wasn't sincerely offended by his teasing, was he?
"Yeah?"
"I – I gotta ask you somethin'."
Joel racked his brain as he wondered what his brother might possibly mean before he nodded because he hadn't come up with a satisfactory answer. "What?"
"I didn't ask you before. 'Cause… I guess there was so much stuff happenin' and then – then everything went so fast and we were all busy dealin' with – with… you know – and I didn't ask. I thought it would be for the best to wait. But now I don't know what I'm waitin' for anymore."
"What the fuck are you talkin' about?" Joel snorted and put the spoon back down, which provoked a clanking sound.
"Jesus… You never told me about your mission with Olivia. Not a single word. I know, there wasn't exactly time for it with all that… shit, but I – I wanna know."
"Fuck…" Joel hissed and scratched his temple thoughtfully. Right. He had never told Tommy, and that mistake hadn't even happened consciously.
Actually, he had had this very conversation with Tess a few weeks ago, and somehow his brain must have assumed that the deed was done now. The deed of informing his friends and brother of the fact that he had just thrown the plan he had tortured and rushed them with for the past four years overboard based on a spontaneous decision.
"What happened?" Tommy asked, looking between worried and confused.
"Well, I – I didn't do it," he exhaled and drummed his fingers on his knee in an intentionally relaxed manner.
"You didn't what? You didn't kill 'im?"
"I didn't," Joel said calmly, although there was a thunderstorm roaring inside his chest, and he could feel his heartbeat up in his mouth, right where a sour taste was dispersing across his tongue. Would Tommy be angry? Disappointed, for sure, but would he be furious for having to go through all this trouble just for Joel to back out in the last moment?
"You didn't kill 'im," Tommy repeated, boring a hole into his brother's profile. "Why? Was he not there?"
"He was."
"Joel, you gotta be more specific here. What happened?" Tommy was growing impatient, and he couldn't blame him for it. It was just so much easier to answer his questions rather than shape the words on his lips himself.
"He was there. I just – We were close, 'n' we had a plan. But then… I didn't do it."
An amused, disbelieving chuckle poured from Tommy's throat as he twisted his neck in order for Joel to be forced to look at him. "What are you talkin' about? Why didn't you do it?"
"I don't know," he responded, realizing in the same moment that he actually couldn't explain his behavior in a way that would satisfy his little brother. He could try and stutter what he had already tried to explain to Olivia, but no matter how hard his efforts would be, Joel doubted that Tommy would grasp what had been going on inside his head. Hell, he couldn't even himself. He remembered what he had felt like in that moment standing in the doorframe with Olivia's face inches away from him, but he was unable to put into words why he had chosen the way he had.
"You don't know," Tommy stated and ran his eyes from Joel's brow down to his intertwined fingers. "You were there, you had a plan, but you didn't do it. And you don't know why."
Of course, it sounded ridiculous out of Tommy's mouth, yet it was the most accurate way to describe the course of events.
"I… I'm really sorry."
"You don't gotta apologize to me," Tommy chuckled. "Maybe to Olivia for goin' all the way to Kansas City, but I ain't mad at you for it."
"I mean for… For bein' obsessed with it for all those months and then… not doin' it."
His brother hesitated for a while, then cleared his throat. "Okay, you're sayin' you can't explain it. But can you try at least? I just…. I would like to try and understand. A little."
Joel let out a heavy sigh that loosened something within and caused his shoulders to drop, free from tension now. Tommy definitely deserved some sort of justification, although Joel wasn't eager to give him one. When he had talked to Tess a few weeks ago, she hadn't asked many questions. Maybe she had sensed that whatever had happened between his inner voices was a phenomenon that went beyond interpersonal communication.
"I don't know, I guess – I spent all that time with Olivia there… in Kansas City." Tommy nodded slowly, giving him the encouragement he needed to go on. "But then when – when we were about to head out I was so – scared of openin' that door. 'Cause I knew that however things were gonna go, she would be in danger. And then I just thought about it for like a second. I just thought what would happen if I didn't go out there with her now? And... the idea was so nice and good that I couldn't stop thinkin' about it, you know?"
He felt a heavy hand splayed across his shoulder, applying faint pressure. "Yeah."
"I don't know what would've happened. Maybe we would've both been fine. But I… I just couldn't risk it. Because there was a chance that something would've gone wrong, and – and if it had… I don't know what I would've done. I don't think I would've been able to handle that, Tommy."
Joel finally raised his gaze, looking into Tommy's brown eyes that emitted understanding and warmth in a way that made a shudder ripple down his spine.
"Yeah… Yeah, I get that. All I asked for was some vague explanation, Joel," he laughed and patted his back. "That was a pretty good explanation."
"So I'm not crazy?" Joel asked or rather breathed.
"No, you're not crazy, Joel. You're in love. And you're makin' good choices. Responsible ones."
A muscle next to Joel's eye twitched at the word love. It was unusual, almost intimidating to hear someone else say out loud what he had heard a million times before. Only that it usually happened in his head and the voice saying it was his own, controlled by him.
"Sometimes, there's this part of me that wants me to feel bad about it. But I – I don't regret it, you know? I just – I'm not even thinkin' about it most of the time. Of course, sometimes – yeah. But… not as often as I should."
"You shouldn't have to think about anything, Joel," his brother uttered calmly, not shying away from his intense glare. "This is a good thing. You're better now than you were before 'er. That's good."
"I know…" Joel mumbled and dug the tips of his boots in the dirt. "I know it's good. But I wanna – I know it sounds crazy, but I can't just – I can't accept that I – I'm good. 'Cause sometimes it feels like I betrayed 'er. By just – by findin'… Olivia and – and bein' happy and not doin' what I planned to do all along. I don't – it feels like I just I don't… do her any justice."
Joel knew that his words might be incoherent and maybe even a complete mystery to his brother, but it was the only way he knew how to express his thoughts at all. And Tommy at least seemed to try as he nodded and grabbed the fabric of his jacket at his shoulders.
"You deserve to be happy," he whispered, drawing a guttural groan from his throat.
"Oh c'mon… Don't come to me with that bullshit."
"But it's true. You think you honor her legacy by bein' miserable?"
Joel snorted, his gaze landing on his boots. "That's not what I meant…"
"But it's what you would do if you followed your feelings. She would've wanted you to be happy. She would've liked to see you like that. You're not betrayin' anyone by findin' some love and – and peace in your life. She would've – Joel, she would've been the proudest if she knew that you found someone you love so much that you went over your own stubborn ass to protect 'em."
Tommy chuckled, and Joel had no choice but to join him, even though his voice was a bit hoarse.
"Maybe…"
"Not maybe. You're sayin' it like it's something bad. The fact that you didn't do it but left with Olivia. But just think about it. You threw a plan overboard that you made years ago just to keep 'er safe. That's good, Joel. That's really fuckin' good. And if Sarah – if she knew that, she would be happy. Can you look into my face and tell me that she wouldn't? Do you think there's any version of her that would be mad at you for protectin' the person you love instead of bringing them into danger just to realize some plan you made years ago?"
Joel released a breath and twisted his mouth thoughtfully. "I don't regret it, Tommy. I never said I did. It's just… I guess, I get in that mode of thinkin' that every time I – I experience happiness, I'm gonna get punished for it sooner or later. Like it's some sort of pact. I get to be happy for a couple of hours, but it's gonna be stolen from me again. It's worth it 'cause I – I enjoy bein' happy. But there's a catch. Or like a condition."
"And why do you think that is?"
Joel shot a glance at him, his forehead wrinkling. "What, you're my fuckin' therapist or somethin'?"
"Jesus…" Tommy sighed and playfully nudged the tip of his shoe against his shinbone. "I think you're tryin' to punish yourself for somethin' that you made up in your head. You think you'll one day be redeemed but only if you suffer long enough."
"Like Prometheus."
Tommy wheezed, scrunching his nose. "What?"
"Prometheus. He had to roll the fuckin' rocks up the hill. For stealin' the fire."
"Whatever," Tommy sniggered, then patted his back. "Maybe like Prometheus. But the point is, you don't deserve punishment. You're allowed to be happy without any conditions or pay offs. So be happy and focus on makin' her happy instead of gettin' into your own head about it. 'Cause the present is what you should care about."
Tommy received no answer from his brother that evening. What he didn't know, though, was how much his words had stuck to Joel. He carried them around all night, going over every letter so precisely, part of him felt like he owed Tommy at least some recognition for his wisdom.
Later, he laid in his tent with Olivia, an arm wrapped around her shoulder so that her head was in a more comfortable position and his brother's words still echoing in his mind.
"Do you know Prometheus?" Joel whispered into the dark, opening his right eye as Olivia raised her head.
"What?"
"Prometheus. The Greek guy who stole the fire."
She narrowed her eyes while sucking her bottom lip between her teeth. "I… think I've heard of him. Why?"
"Doesn't matter." He gently, yet with gentle firmness pushed her head back down so that it rested in the crook of his neck.
"I really love you," he whispered soon after that, his smile broadening as she squeezed herself tighter against him.
"I love you too."
He remembered well when she had said it for the first time. It hadn't been romantic or anything as they had been collecting firewood and arguing over whether a branch was dry enough to serve for their nightly campfire. Olivia had just spilled the words out mid-conversation, leaving him so swept off his feet that he had forgotten all about the controversial wood in his hand. In fact, he had even dropped it and glared at Olivia like a dumb puppy.
If you don't say it back in five seconds, I'm gonna drive this fucking branch through my chest, was what Olivia had said while he had stood in front of her, all tongue-tied and startled, his eyes probably two hollow voids. Inside, he hadn't been empty at all though. His heart had been thumping in his chest so loudly, she must have heard it for sure. And his palms had gotten all sweaty beneath the prickling layer of skin.
I – I love you. Too, Joel had answered quickly before Olivia might take it back or worse, stay true to her warning. Then, they had sealed their promise in a gentle kiss and he had to admit that maybe, the situation had become romantic after all.
Now, around two weeks after that moment, he could say it to her whenever he wanted without getting flustered and nervous. Well, he was always a little nervous around her, but nine times out of ten, he at least wasn't stammering like he was looking for the right words.
"I'm gonna go on patrol with you next week," Joel stated like it was already set in stone.
"Oh yeah?" Olivia grinned and placed a hand on his chest, feeling for his heartbeat.
"Yeah. Can't be that I'm in the camp all day while you're out there without me…"
"Even though we're such a messy duo while out?"
His wry smirk intensified at that and all the memories he had of their trips to nearby neighborhoods that were part of the city but not shielded by the wire fence of the QZ. It wasn't simply the fact that he could never concentrate the way he could when he was, say with Tommy, but also that Olivia made it way too tempting to forget their mission for a second and steal a kiss from her lips. One time, she had even gone so far as to suggest they extended their little make out session to have sex on a desk in one of the apartments, but Joel had put an end to it fast before she might take measures that would lead him to do such irresponsible things.
"Especially 'cause we're such a messy duo," Joel scoffed and suddenly rolled on top of her, pressing her into the mat with enough weight to keep her warm but not so that he would hurt her.
"That sounded different last time… If I remember correctly, you rolled your eyes when I said I wanted you to fuck me on that desk."
Joel's breath caught in his throat, his eyes darkening ever so slightly. "Darlin', I'm gonna fuck you whenever you want it, just not while we're in an old apartment building with infected in the room next door."
"But that's what makes it all so exciting…" she muttered, and Joel didn't doubt for a second that she actually meant it.
"Yeah? You think it's exciting that we can get killed any moment when some infected hears us?"
"Means that we would have to be quiet…" Olivia murmured, her sultry voice dripping with lust, though he couldn't quite tell if a part of it was sarcasm.
"You're crazy."
"I'm not crazy," she protested at once, furrowing her brow. "I just really like being with you… That's not my fault."
"I like being with you too, and I don't come up with those stupid ideas."
Pouting a little, Olivia poked him in his chest. "Not stupid, silly. You just haven't tried it out before…"
"Oh, but you have?"
"No," she grinned. "But I know that it would be great. I just know it."
Joel exhaled heavily while brushing a few strands of her hair behind her ear so that he had access to her whole face. "Then I'm just gonna leave next time and give you some time with you alone to try it out… And then you can tell me all about how great it is."
"Fuck you," Olivia hissed over his laughter, but he just covered her chin with kisses. "You act like I'm this insane monster who can't go a day without fucking. Which is unfair."
"Oh yeah?" Joel said and teasingly drove his upper teeth into her skin.
"Yeah. It's not fair. You're just as needy as I am."
Joel pulled away for a moment to lick his own lips, his face wearing a mirthful smile. "Oh I am, sweetheart… S'why I even told you that I wanna go on patrol with you in the first place. You remember?"
Olivia twisted her mouth, clearly still contemplating whether to keep up the sulky façade longer or give in. "Yeah."
"Good… 'Cause I missed you all day today."
All the pretended grumpiness was swept off her face at once, her teeth shining as she bared them and wrapped her arms around his neck.
"I missed you too. It was actually really fucking boring with Tommy…"
"Oh yeah? Why?"
"I was just thinking about you all the time… So I couldn't even listen to him."
Joel knew that she was definitely lying since she and his little brother usually got along very well and shared a similar sense of humor, but he appreciated the fact that she was trying to make him feel better about spending the day separated from him.
"I'm sorry, then… How's your belly by the way?" Joel reached out to her clothed stomach, pressing gently right where she had complained her insides were tearing just two days ago.
"Better. Especially like this."
"Like this?" Joel asked with raised eyebrows and began rubbing her covered skin in small circles.
"Yeah. S'really good…"
Joel cursed the fact that due to the sleeping bag, it would be nearly impossible to slip his hand underneath and touch her bare skin without forcing her to kick away the much needed covers. But it was fine like this, and Olivia's soft purring made him believe that his methods were already working despite the layers between his hands and her belly.
"Joel?"
He paused for a moment, but her fingers were snatching his wrist immediately and urged him to continue his soothing circles. "What?"
"I'm really tired… But I don't want you to stop."
He nearly had to laugh at her closed eyes in combination with the crease upon her forehead but didn't want to stir her peaceful position. So all he did was roll off her, kiss her temple at her disapproving hum and lull her in that warm embrace again. Moving her the closest to him that was humanly possible, Joel rested his lips on top of her head without stopping the gentle rubbing. That was the moment Olivia's blissful contentment set in again, and her face muscles relaxed.
"Thank you," she breathed and ran her hand along his forearm.
"You're welcome, darling. You can fall asleep… I'm right 'ere… And I ain't gonna stop…"
Well, at some point, Joel did stop because he dozed off as well.
Fortunately it happened way after Olivia had entered the land of dreams, so she didn't notice how his heavy hand halted over her stomach and how his already steady breathing eased to a continuous, slow rhythm.
Three days later, Joel and Olivia were finally able to go on their patrol together, even though it might be worth mentioning that he was suffering from a bad muscle ache from the day before when he had gone on a mission with Tess. It was worth it, he told himself, and straightened up with a spinning head that morning.
The day was a long, yet not quite an exhausting one. It never really was with Olivia, since the time he got to spend with her never felt weighty or grueling, no matter what they were doing. Even the hike up a hill to reach a little settlement north of the city happened fast and without as much as a single complaint about the blazing sun beaming on his neck. It wasn't a warm day, but the sun was strong, which was why Joel preferred the forest over the open meadows. Besides, one always felt a lot safer with the protection of the trees to their left and right.
After a brief lunch at noon, Joel and Olivia scouted the rest of the area, killed a couple of infected from a long distance and gathered some useful things such as ammunition and matches in a shed next to a farmhouse. After that, they returned to the camp since the sky looked like it might rain soon.
Once back with the others, Joel instantly sensed that something was different. It wasn't anything about the content of their words but rather the way Tommy blinked more frequently than usual, or how no one really seemed to know what to do with their hands and fingers while Joel and Olivia reported on their mission.
Fortunately, they didn't have to wait long for whatever it was that was lingering in the air tonight. Based on previous experiences, Joel almost feared the worst as Tommy asked the two of them to sit down around the campfire with the rest, but Olivia's reassuring squeeze grounded him in indescribable ways.
"We wanted to talk to you," Tommy started, but then settled his gaze at Luke. "Actually… he did. First."
Olivia and Joel's eyebrows shot at the same time, but the young man didn't grant them much time to wonder what his announcement might be about as he cleared his throat at once.
"I only discussed it with Tommy, Tess and Zion today. So it… it's not like I've been keeping it from you guys," Luke spoke calmly.
Nodding slowly, Olivia tapped the tip of her shoe on the ground. "Sure."
"I've been thinking a lot the past weeks. About the future. About what I wanna do next. It… Obviously the past weeks were hard and I – I didn't really know what the point was." He cleared his throat again, like there was something sitting in his airways that he wasn't able to remove. "I still don't. But I know what I wanna do next."
There was a pause during which Joel clenched his hand around Olivia's fingers with more force.
"I… I wanna go to Cleveland and find her family. I… I think they deserve to know. And before that, I wanna find out what happened to her. Because they deserve to know that too."
Swallowing hard, Joel found it hard to find the right words to respond. He wanted to express his dismay about a possible goodbye to Luke, but at the same time, he could understand his feelings toward meeting Harper's family, so he didn't want to sound too regretful. Fortunately, Olivia took it upon herself to answer before Joel could.
"Yeah, I think that would be a kind act. Do you know where exactly they live?"
Luke shook his head. "Not exactly. Cleveland doesn't have a QZ, so of course there's a chance they fled to another town. But I figure it would be close by. I just wanna try. Her sister lives in Ohio too, so maybe I might find her. She – Harper, she told me so much about her. And I guess I would like to meet her."
His voice was a little raw, breaking during some parts, but he pulled himself together before the memory of his girlfriend would tear his wounds open all over again and result in another crying attack.
"I understand…" Olivia murmured and pulled Joel's hand – still tangled with hers – on her lap. "You should do what you think is right for you. If that's traveling to Ohio, I'm not gonna try and stop you."
"Same goes for me," Joel threw in and nodded in agreement a few times. "Of course I ain't gonna like to watch you leave, but I get it. I think we all do."
Luke released a breath that had been stuck in the back of his throat and let his eyes scurry over the assembled group of people before him.
"Good… thanks," he absent-mindedly murmured before his eyes remained on Tommy, who suddenly looked quite uncomfortable in his chair.
"Yeah, okay, I… There's something I wanted to discuss as well… Or actually – we wanted to discuss."
He didn't clarify further who we was exactly, but based on Tess and Zion's awkward silence and how they deliberately and casually tapped their fingers on their thighs, it wasn't a hard guess.
"What's that?" Joel asked and hoped the others hadn't decided to join Luke. There was no way he would want that. No, there must be something else…
"We've been talking about it for a while… Not really – I mean, the topic's been brought up…" Tommy helplessly craned his neck, capturing the frightened wide eyes of Zion and Tess's thin lips.
"We also thought about our future," Tess interrupted his friend and freed him from his torment. "We didn't really know what was gonna happen now. Before, our goal was to get to Kansas City, but after you two did whatever the hell that was, we were forced to think about the future. We talked about it for the first time while you were gone. I think it was… it was just a thought for the future. Like… you know, someday. Maybe."
"What are you talking about?" Joel spoke lowly, irritated by the fuss they were making about their announcement. If Tommy and Zion were that nervous and Tess spent hours talking about the topic, did that mean it was something bad? Something that they knew would upset him or Olivia?
"We thought about joining the fireflies, Joel."
His first reaction was amusement, so he let out a snort without restraint. "What?"
But then, as not one of them showed a single sign of cheerfulness on their faces, his own grin faded away slowly, leaving an expression of disbelief to pull at his features.
"What do you mean?" he asked, feeling Olivia stir next to him. "You wanna join the fireflies? Just like that?"
"First, we were just talking about them and that we agree with some of the stuff they want. Actually, with a lot of stuff. And then – then Zion said that he could see himself joining. One day. That was the idea at first… But then we discussed it more and more, their – their way of handling things. And how they organize their resistance. And… at some point, we were all… pretty fond of them."
Joel's eyebrows were drawn together now, a deep crease marking his upper face.
"What?" he hissed, sharp and cutting like the hiss of a snake.
"There ain't no reason to freak out, Joel," Tommy tried to calm him, though his widened eyes betrayed the relaxed demeanor. "We just… We just wanted to talk to you guys about it. To… just to let you know for now."
"What is there to talk about?" Joel grunted deprecatingly, shaking his head as he felt his stomach coil with seething heat that burned straight to his core whether he liked it or not.
"You wanna join the fireflies. Have you lost your goddamn mind?" Joel barked and let his gaze travel over Tommy's face, then Zion's and Tess's at last. He felt Olivia's fingers grip his hand tighter, but he didn't know whether she intended to soothe him or if she was equally upset.
"I don't understand why you hate them so much," Tess voiced and crossed her legs, resting her chin on her palm. "They actually make a difference in a lot of cities."
"A difference? Yeah, they fuckin' make a difference. By makin' the lives of millions of people worse than they already are."
"Revolution takes sacrifice. And willpower. And patience."
Joel laughed dryly with not a hint of earnest warmth behind the sound. "They can make as many sacrifices as they like. But they ain't got no right to make the lives of the people livin' inside the QZs worse. They have no part in it. But if the fireflies bomb half of the city includin' the fuckin' food supplies, the people are the first to experience the consequences. 'Cause FEDRA will let 'em starve and be even more cruel than they already are."
Tess sniffled and bit down on her bottom lip. "Okay, so we are on the same page here. About FEDRA."
"That they're evil motherfuckers? Yeah." Gritting his teeth, Joel's eyes were small slits that scrutinized Tess suspiciously.
"Good. So we agree that what they're doing is not okay. And that it has to change."
"Yeah, I guess."
"But you don't agree with their way of resistance."
"No, I don't. 'Cause I don't think it's resistance if you make the lives of the normal people worse. That's just – That's absurd."
It was Zion who suddenly cleared his throat and therefore received everyone's attention.
"But this is not how revolution works, Joel. It's a slow process. We – They live day to day, they don't have many resources, but they're doing what they can. It will take time, and it might be months or years before real progress starts showing, but – but it's gonna change something."
"And how do you know that? How do you know that it will work?"
"'Cause we have many examples in human history."
Joel slowly folded his arms in front of his chest and tilted his head challengingly.
"And you also got an appropriate example of how a resistance group has beat their evil oppressors during an apocalypse? You don't know, Zion. It's that simple. But you still accept the sacrifice of so many people's suffering because you think it might pay off one day. What about the people who're dyin' right now 'cause they're getting beaten to death by some FEDRA asshole or starve to death 'cause the fireflies blew up some building? Are they happy that they gave their lives for the fireflies? Do they ask those people if they wanna be part of it?"
For a moment, no one answered. Even Zion, who previously had held a bright shimmer in his eyes had sunk deeper in his chair and was now swallowing audibly.
"We have different opinions on this matter. And that's okay. I don't think the fireflies make those people's lives significantly worse than they already are. And I think if they do, it's gonna be worth it."
"I think you're just idealistic. And you can't see the truth."
Zion let out a throaty groan, rolling his eyes back in his head. "And what's the truth, Joel? What would you do instead to make the world better?"
"It's not my job to come up with something 'cause I don't gather thousands of young, hopeful people behind me and claim that I got the perfect solution."
"So you're saying me, Tess and Tommy, we're the young, hopeful, stupid people who gather behind them?"
He wheezed softly, shaking his head a few times. "I didn't say stupid."
"But it's what you're thinking, isn't it?" Tess threw in and leaned forward, planting her elbows on her spread knees.
"You know my opinion," Joel replied briefly and turned his neck to look at Olivia, who had remained noticeably silent about the matter. He would really like to know what was going on behind her forehead right now and whether she agreed with what he had said or not.
"Anyway. We're convinced. And we're gonna act according to it."
"Oh, you're convinced. A minute ago, it was just we like their ideas."
"C'mon, Joel…" Tommy breathed and cast him a pleading look, which evoked something resembling a feeling of guilt within him. He didn't want to be heartless, but at the same time, how was he supposed to cheer on his brother while he walked straight toward ruin?
"What? You wanna join 'em, great. When does the journey start?"
Although Tommy and Tess exhaled through their noses, their expressions serious and even a trifle sad, Zion answered the question seriously.
"A few weeks ago when – when it happened… right when you two returned, I – I met a friend near Sedalia. She's got ties to the fireflies. And she got me in contact with them."
So that was what Zion's date with that mysterious friend had been about. He faintly remembered asking Tess about the reason behind his trip into the city, but he hadn't gotten a coherent, logical explanation, which had stuck out to him back then. He just hadn't dug any further than that. Well, now he had it.
"And that means?"
"We're gonna meet with some of them in Sedalia. In a couple of days. We don't know yet what's gonna happen. But of course, they're always looking for recruits and we… we just wanna see what it's like. If we could imagine joining them."
Awkward silence spread across the thin air between them. Nobody really knew what to say, and Joel least of all. They didn't seriously expect his blessing now, did they?
"Joel?" Tommy's quiet voice lingered in the air, resonating in his ears a few seconds longer while his throat tightened.
"What?"
"Just… I know that you don't approve. But… I just – "
Driven by the spontaneous need for a change of scenery, Joel stood up so abruptly, whatever Tommy had meant to say got stuck in his throat.
"I'm sorry. I gotta – I'll be back."
He didn't clarify further how they were supposed to interpret the phrase I'll be back, but before any of them could stop him, he had already hastened toward his tent and roughly pulled at the zipper. A brief moment without the charged, heavy air and the piercing gazes upon him felt magical, and Joel threw his head back while releasing a breath he had held.
He had been secretly hoping for Olivia to join him the moment he had entered his tent, but she made him wait. A long time. Joel wasn't even fully aware of what he was anticipating would happen in a conversation with her, but he longed for her presence nonetheless. Maybe it was just that, her presence, her warmth and her ability to make him laugh, no matter what.
But as the zip was pulled around two hours later, his initial reaction was fear about what their discussion could possibly bring. Hell, he didn't even know what he wanted. Tommy, Tess and Zion had just revealed their big plans for the next months, maybe even years, but it had all happened too fast for him.
He couldn't join them. Not only did it not align with his morals, but he also simply had no desire to spend the next years as a prisoner inside a QZ. He wanted to leave that era behind and rather relish the freedom of going wherever he wanted, even if it was just a couple of trees and a sparkling river. But what was the alternative? Creeping through the woods on his own? And what about Olivia? She hadn't said a single word all throughout the conversation, so what if she was considering leaving with the others? Would he have no choice but to join the fireflies as well, if anything just to be with her? Of course, he would do it. Without any reluctance.
"Hey…" Olivia spoke softly, crawling inside the tent with so much tenderness, she acted like she didn't want to wake him up even though he hadn't even been asleep.
"Hi. I'm sorry for… for leavin' earlier. I just – I couldn't stand it."
"It's okay," she smiled and sat down next to him, pulling her knees to her chest. He wanted to tug her closer, preferably have her sit between his legs with her back pressed against his front, so that he could perfectly hug her from behind, but perhaps the moment didn't exactly fit that urge.
"What'd you – I mean, did you talk to them?"
"I did," she responded calmly and tucked her hair behind her ear.
"And… what did you say?" The sudden tension in his shoulders and chest was overwhelming and reminded him of being startled by someone's unexpected appearance out of nowhere. Only that this breathlessness lasted for as long as Olivia didn't begin to speak.
"I… Well, I heard their arguments. I learned more about the fireflies and… and specifically the ones here in Sedalia."
Joel's insides cramped as a cold shiver undulated down his spine. She was about to say it. And he would have no choice but to agree and promise his devotion. That he was going to follow her anywhere.
"And I mean I wouldn't go so far as to say that what they're doing is complete bullshit… I understand you, but I guess – I guess they have potential." Olivia shifted a little closer, close enough to bring a hand to his cheek.
"But I actually got other plans already."
Something inside his body jumped, his heart skipping a beat and his pulse racing behind his wrist.
"I… I really would've loved to join them. And I told them that. But I also said that I had some really important plans that I can't delay."
Joel's head spun like a rollercoaster, his vision blurry both from her words and how her hand rubbed along his cheekbone.
"What plans do you got?" he whispered under his breath, consumed by this wave of hope that he couldn't control. He tried his best to await her next words and actually listen to what she had in mind before he let the shackles holding his joy together break, but it was difficult to do so while her lips were so close to his ear.
"There's a man I really like. And I would really like to take that man all around the world… Or let's say, Missouri first. Then, maybe the rest of the world. Maybe just hiking across the continent… finding nice places and going where we haven't been before. Or maybe… maybe we'll find a little cabin in the middle of the forest. Or… we find a settlement where they take in loners like the two of us. But do you know what I would really like to find?"
She kissed him right below his ear, and Joel couldn't fight the hairs on his arms and nape stiffening. There was no reason to fight it, anyway.
"What?"
"A guitar. I would like to find a guitar. Because that man hasn't sung anything for me yet. And I can't accept that."
"A guitar?" Joel scoffed and finally raised his hand as well, burying it in the hair at the back of her head.
"Yeah. And then I would like to play that guitar all day. Whatever we're gonna do… Maybe in our little cabin. Or in the settlement. Or on our hike."
"You wanna play the guitar and hike at the same time?"
"Of course not, silly," Olivia laughed and scrunched her nose while tracing the patchy beard stubble on his face. "But in the evenings… around the campfire."
"And who's gonna carry that guitar?" Joel wondered next.
"We're gonna carry it. In turns. I haven't figured out the exact logistics yet, but I will."
"So you… you really wanna – I mean, you don't wanna go with them?" he whispered, his undertone serious all of a sudden. And so was Olivia.
"No. As I said, I'm not – I don't think the fireflies are that horrible, but it's not what I want. It's not where I see myself."
"You see yourself in a rancid tent with me in the middle of Missouri?" Joel chuckled and yanked her a little closer, his lips inches away from her.
"Darling… That's exactly where I see myself. Maybe even with a leaking ceiling, so the rain is gonna drip onto our hair, but we're just gonna pretend that we didn't see it. And with the guitar, of course."
The corner of his mouth curled before he kissed her gently.
"I want that," he said plainly. "I want nothing more than that. And maybe I would like a cabin even more."
"Yeah?" she whispered and raked her hands up his front, setting them on his broad shoulders.
"Yeah. Can't be good for our knees to walk around all day. Maybe it'd be good to stay in one place for a bit… And we can still go on strolls."
"Exactly," Olivia agreed, chuckling so quietly, he could scarcely hear the noise, though her face was so close to him.
"Promise you won't grow tired o'me?" Joel then asked, mixing a certain amount of sarcasm with something truthful lying within his voice.
"You think I could grow tired of you?" Olivia muttered and ran her hands over the side of his head like she intended to carve every crack and every joint inside her memory.
"Maybe… after months?"
"I don't think so, silly. I think I'll be pretty happy."
He didn't even try to blink away the tears.
"I love you," he just breathed, his voice hollow and hoarse. "And it's – I thought it would be harder."
"To love?" Olivia smiled, her forehead touching his with the faintest hint of pressure.
"Yeah. I thought… I thought it would just take from me. Like it did back then." Joel's large palms cradled her head as she closed her eyes, letting out a controlled, labored breath.
"I'm not gonna let it take from you, Joel Miller. No… if that's gonna happen, we're gonna be renegotiating…"
"Yeah," Joel mumbled, his eyes shut now as well. Everything was light and soft, her skin, her breath and his heart. It felt so careless and free in that moment that he even thought about making up with Tommy the next morning. And Tess and Zion, too. He would tell them that although he didn't agree with everything, he respected their opinions and their will to contribute to making the world a little better.
Yes, he would do that.
Joel and Olivia's lips touched again, more longing and more passionate this time.
And he knew that wherever he may be in a month or two, in a cabin or beneath the open sky, he would be right where he was supposed to be.
Based on this request, enjoy :)) This is part of my little series, you can read part one here
Joel promised Tommy a turn with you but ends up regretting it while watching his brother fuck you.
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, oral sex (m receiving), rough blow job, dark themes, noncon/dubcon, dddne, power imbalance, slut shaming, dom/sub dynamic, mean and dark Tommy, size difference, dirty talk, ownership dynamic, free use, Joel shares you, jealous and possessive Joel, degradation, pet names (whore, slut), angst, hurt, fluff, aftercare, vulnerability, soft!Joel (in the end)
Wordcount: 3,932
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You raised your chin slightly, Joel's words from the other night like a pungent admonition in your head.
Be good, and you'll be rewarded.
Those were the words you were desperately clinging onto whenever you felt like just slumping into a ball or pressing your lips together in resistance.
At least he had kept his promise and remained by your side, seated in one of those armchairs that looked tiny with his large frame sitting on it. His legs were spread like he was about to free his cock any second, but you wouldn't allow yourself to get tricked by it. You had to earn it first. And that meant satisfying his little brother.
You looked up at him, counting the freckles upon his nose. He actually didn't look so mean and scary that way, you thought watching his upper lip stir. Maybe you just needed to change your perspective and shift your approach for all of this. If you convinced your mind that you liked Tommy, maybe your body would cooperate better as well, and you would end up enjoying it more. After all, this was Joel's brother, who didn't just share some features with him but also had that same brass swinging in his tone. Or perhaps, you could close your eyes and pretend it was Joel you were kneeling in front of.
Without realizing it, a smile tingled on your lips, prompting the man in front of you to lift his eyebrows in surprise.
"What are you smiling about, little one, mhm?" Tommy grunted, cupping your chin, which made the picture in your head pop like a soap bubble.
"Nothing," you quickly clarified and relaxed your jaw, bracing yourself for Tommy to sheathe his manhood inside your throat walls while running through all the advice you had come up with in your head.
Breathe through your nose, relax, don't think of how deep he is inside you. Focus on Joel instead.
"Maybe she's startin' to like me," Tommy cooed, trailing his thumb along the bone in your jaw.
"Nahh…" Joel chuckled from the other side, hands casually resting on the armrest of his chair.
"She does, doesn't she? S'why she's so obedient for me today."
It was true, you had let Tommy take off your clothes without fighting back and had shortly after that dropped to your knees without hesitation. You had definitely acted so compliantly for different reasons, but you believed that it was for your best to have Tommy think so.
"No. I talked to her, that's why she's behavin' well," Joel explained, the sound of his deep voice alone enough to visibly make you relax. God, you didn't know how you would go through this without him.
And Joel didn't know it either. Sitting in the other room while his brother was throwing you around to his liking wasn't an option. He hadn't admitted it in front of you but rather portrayed his presence as mercy and a favor, but even though he might not have acted like it, he was possessive over you. Not as much as you might have wished, but he wouldn't permit his brother to play with you without any limits or rules.
"What did you say, mhm?" Tommy barked while he opened his leather belt, softly slapping the end of it against your cheek. From this angle, Joel didn't have the perfect view of you, but at least he could keep an eye on Tommy's wandering hands pretty well.
"Told 'er that if she behaves, she's gonna get rewarded."
"How?" his little brother asked, taking out his length in the meantime.
"By me touchin' 'er."
The younger man chuckled sordidly, almost like he didn't take the words seriously, and buried his left hand in the depths of your hair.
"That's the reward…? I'm sure I can come up with lots of nicer stuff that she's gonna like much more than havin' your dirty hands on 'er."
Joel kept the grin to himself, curling his toes but observing what was happening on the couch cautiously.
"Open your mouth, sweet thing," Tommy commanded you, voice honeyed and mellow, but he couldn't deceive his own brother with the show. Perhaps he was trying to put your mind at ease, soothe you in order for you to be obedient, but Tommy couldn't have given less of a shit about you when it was not about using you for his pleasure. That was just his brother as he was, and Joel had to accept it.
His chin jutted forward, watching as you, submissive as he had told you to be, parted your lips and offered his brother entrance.
"Good girl… Now take a deep breath for me."
Your chest heaved heavily, body straightening before Tommy inserted his cock all the way inside you. He guided your head to his core, face pressed against his ballsack which definitely wasn't that comfortable for you, but you didn't complain. Not that you could say anything with his cock stuffing you full, but you kept relatively still. Your hands were at Tommy's thighs, gripping his flesh firmly, though not in a way that made Joel assume that you wanted it to stop. It was rather a support-seeking gesture.
"Hold it," Tommy commanded with his low voice, neck craning as he precisely scrutinized your eyes and how your lips stretched around his girth.
"Don't look at me like that."
It took Joel a beat to realize that his brother was talking to him.
"You don't even see me," Joel chuckled, shifting in his seat to have a better view of you, how your little hands were squeezing the fabric of Tommy's jeans.
"But I know what you look like right now."
"And what do I look like, mhm? Enlighten me."
"Like you're just waiting for me to do something wrong."
Joel narrowed his eyes, fingers drumming over the cushion. "I'm not. I'm just here to supervise this. But you can do whatever you want to. As long as you follow the rules."
"Yeah… I know… And this is me followin' the rules, ain't it?" Tommy grinned wryly, gently pulling his hips back and steadily rolling his pelvis into your face that was squeezed against his middle, probably coated in spit and precum as he wasn't exactly careful about not making a mess all over you. Why should he anyway? Tommy wasn't the one who was going to clean you up afterward.
"Yes. I told you, facefucking is okay. As long as you don't make 'er pass out…"
"I won't. I'm sure she wouldn't be so warm anymore, right? But at least she would be still…"
Joel's teeth ground, throat dry and eyes scurrying over your small frame a little more frantic. He said the most terrible things about and at you, but at least he always patched it up later. He made you do stuff that would probably startle most of Jackson's inhabitants, but he stayed with you once he was done, held and comforted you for as long as you needed it. Besides, he was your…. not your boyfriend, but your travel companion who was always by your side. You knew and trusted him.
Tommy was a stranger to you, and somehow listening to his drastic words that Joel was sure were supposed to hurt you and maybe even him on purpose made the blood in his veins boil. No, his little brother didn't get to talk about you that way. Joel was allowed to. Not Tommy, who didn't give a damn about you.
"Shut up," Joel belted a little too loudly and grabbed the package of cigarettes on the coffee table. They had been a gift, according to his brother. But Joel had understood the message.
I let you stay here, I let you borrow my stuff and even give you cigarettes, so I want you to be generous too.
Too bad his only payment option right now was you, and conveniently enough, Tommy was well-pleased with it. At least he could distract himself a little with the nicotine and draw his attention to something that wasn't your kneeling position and the possessive hand in your hair.
"Swallow it all, you little slut. Everything. I don't wanna see an inch of my cock exposed to the air. If you do it right, I'mma let you breathe."
Joel's eyes were glued to the table, consciously avoiding looking at you or his brother. He didn't know why it bothered him so much today as he usually had absolutely no problem sharing your pretty body. Hell, he hadn't struggled with his feelings like that yesterday. What was different today?
"Good girl…" Tommy slipped his dick out of you, rubbing the head against your chin while you sucked greedy breaths through your teeth. Your jaw must be hurting given the way that you grimaced, but his brother hadn't noticed it or he just didn't care.
"Open. Jesus, Joel, she really is good today. I'm almost startin' to believe that she enjoys this."
"Yeah…" Joel let out a forced chuckle, his cock stirring at the way you thrust out your flat tongue that surely must feel magical against Tommy's dick sliding past it. His brother spared the back of your throat now, or at least he drove his length in and out of your mouth without forcing it inside you for long moments while you wriggled and gagged around it. That didn't mean that he occasionally went past your limits, though.
By now, Joel was taking lazy drags from a cigarette, blowing the smoke into the air and watching it dissolve. It shifted his attention elsewhere, but he couldn't stop his eyes from flicking over to you every time a guttural moan or choke escaped your body. It was concern, first and foremost, but he also caught himself resenting Tommy for doing this, for it being his cock tearing into your throat. Hell, he had been the one to promise him another night with you, yet right now, he questioned if it had been a wise idea.
You looked so sweet, so vulnerable and perfect. And Tommy… Tommy was rough and large, was touching you in places that Joel had regarded weeks ago believing that no man would ever even just think about under his watch. He had come a long way since that.
Joel sat through roughly ten minutes of this. His composure kept on faltering as his brother continued to fuck your throat with such rapidness, he feared Tommy intended to leave a mark inside you that you would always carry from now on, and would even prevail while Joel claimed your mouth next time.
When he pulled his cock out of you, harshly running his hand over your wet mouth where he had so generously smeared your drool across your chin, Joel hoped that he would get his feelings under control better now. Perhaps Tommy would pound into you from behind and the image would lack the intimacy that you kneeling before him had evoked.
But of course, his own wayward mind refused too begrudgingly to be able to set aside his feelings. He felt like a prisoner forced to watch a horrendous scene unfolding in front of his eyes as Tommy ordered you to get on the couch.
Joel knew what was coming now.
And goddamnit, he shouldn't feel so jealous after introducing you to his brother with the idea in mind that he could give you to him as a gift for his hospitality. This was on him.
Everything happened so quickly, much too fast for him to process every single image. Your back touching the couch, your body sinking into the cushions as Tommy crawled on top of you, his hands trailing from your hipbone up to your breasts.
Why did this have such an awful effect on Joel? He hadn't minded it before. Was it the fact that tonight, he was not a participant but a mere observer? Could that be it? Was it the different angle? Was seeing you get claimed by another man for a second time just too much? Had his way of dealing with it yesterday been the thought that it wouldn't happen again? And now his brain was struggling to accept to see the action repeat?
"Jesus…" Tommy hissed in that moment, eyeing you up and down like a predator. "Can't believe Joel doesn't let me cum inside ya. I would fill you up so well, babygirl. Make it drip out of ya and then stuff it back inside. But it's fine that way… Where do you want me to put it, mhm? Got any preferences?"
Joel prayed that you wouldn't answer as he was positive that your suggestions were just the groundwork for another of the humiliating phrases prickling on his brother's tongue. Unfortunately, his mind couldn't communicate with yours.
"My stomach," you murmured, resting your feet on Tommy's broad back as he snapped his hips forward and entered you in one go. Your pupils dilated, mouth so invitingly open, Joel didn't find it surprising to watch his brother feed you his middle and ring finger.
"No, little whore… You're gonna swallow it. If I can't spill it in your cunt, I gotta find other ways to make sure I marked that pretty body of yours."
Tommy's words hit him like a blow to the gut.
No… you were his. Your body was full and swollen with his seed, not Tommy's. And your pussy wasn't supposed to adjust to any other cock than his… Joel didn't even want your skin to be pawed at with Tommy's hands, his sweat trickling onto your body, his breath fanning at your ear.
Suddenly, he felt sick to his stomach, like the food he had for dinner was about to bubble up his throat. All of this was wrong. This was supposed to be him. The only man supposed to lay on top of you like that, pressing you into the couch was him.
The image gave him a headache so intensely, Joel involuntarily let out a grunt, which neither of you heard. Sure… not only was his brother gliding his dick in you, he also was keeping you so busy, you didn't even perceive him anymore, the only person you actually should care about.
"Enough."
The two of you reacted immediately, two heads shooting around, looking like you had been caught doing something you weren't allowed to do.
"What?" Tommy asked and fortunately at least showed enough respect to stop his thrusts in you.
"Get off 'er."
"What?"
Not a single muscle in Joel's face moved, even as his gaze wandered to you for a split second, drinking in your horrified expression. Of course, you poor thing assumed that you had done something wrong, which wasn't the case at all. If anything, Joel's urge to feel you trapped between his arms had never been greater.
"I said get off her," he repeated a lot slower so that Tommy's delayed motions definitely couldn't be traced back to the pace of his words.
"Why?" his brother hissed, still not moving.
"Because I say so. Right now, or I'll swear to god, I'll get you off 'er myself and my hand might slip while I do so."
Tommy's brow furrowed, perplexity flickering in his eyes, but Joel couldn't have cared less about that.
At least, his brother was finally crawling off you and then rose to his feet, dangerously towering over Joel. Well, he didn't care about that either. As long as no inch of Tommy's skin was in direct contact with you he had achieved his goal.
"What the fuck, man?" Tommy uttered, shoulders pulled up, waiting for a logical explanation, which Joel was afraid he couldn't give him.
"She's mine," he just snarled, interlacing his fingers on his lap. His eyes were drifting over to you every now and then, sitting on the couch now, knees pressed to your chest and worry etched in your features.
"Yeah. She is. But you promised that I get to fuck 'er." Tommy truly looked like he was talking to a child that had just turned down a scoop of ice cream without any reasonable justification.
"I know what I promised. But I changed my mind. She's mine, and I'm not gonna let you fuck 'er again."
"Are you serious?" Tommy exclaimed and came a step closer. "I'm fuckin' hard for her and you just tell me that you changed your mind and the deal is off? Just like that? Did the fuckin' cigarettes get to your head or what?"
"Careful, Tommy," he hissed through clenched teeth, standing up at last. "She belongs to me and I'm not gonna watch you put your dirty cock inside any of 'er holes for another second."
"Oh, so now our little whore is suddenly too good for me? Is that it? You think I'm gonna make 'er dirty and she won't be fun to fuck any longer? If that is the case, don't worry 'bout it. She was a slut before you two arrived 'ere." Eyes flashing determinedly, Tommy drew in a few breaths before fully realizing what he had just said. He didn't take them back, of course, but at least the lines in his face softened the slightest and something resembling intimidation could be found there as well.
"You're gonna be very careful now, Tommy," Joel spoke quietly, though the threat hanging in there was tangible.
"You promised me, Joel."
"I changed my mind."
"I gave you fuckin' beds, 'n' food and everything you need. And this is how you thank me? You put 'er right in front of me and then snatch 'er away? What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Joel calmly scratched his temple, then ran a hand through his hair.
"You had 'er for one night. That's what we initially agreed on over the radio. I think my price is paid."
"Why?" Tommy breathed again, stepping closer and bringing a hand to his brother's shoulder. "What changed? Did I – I mean, I followed the rules. I did everything like you told me to. Why're you freakin' out now?"
"I really gotta repeat myself? Again?"
A tendon on Tommy's neck pulled, teeth gritting. "I just don't understand – "
"She's mine, Tommy. Mine to touch. You had enough and the deal is over. I want 'er all to myself again."
He gave him one last pointed look, ensuring that the message was received before walking past Tommy to approach you. You were still sitting on the couch exactly as you had the last time his gaze had swept over you, arms wrapped around your own knees.
Joel didn't say a single word, didn't even express any emotions through his eyes. He just scooped you in his arms, hauled you and strode toward the staircase while carrying you bridal style. Tommy's gaze boring holes into his back was apparent and it wasn't hard for Joel to imagine his little brother's look of sheer bemusement. But that was in the past now. He had dealt with Tommy, and now he was going to deal with you.
A minute later, Joel put you down on your shared bed, gently placing your head on the pillow. He felt blinded and dizzy with all the things he craved to do, such as cradling you flush against his body all night, playing with your hair just to savor the fact that you were his. Holding the imminent proof of that fact in his hands with the knowledge that you were real, that you were his and that he would never have to watch his brother's cock gliding in you again.
"Joel," you whispered, looking a little too frightened for Joel to ignore. So he knelt down next to the bed, grabbing your hands and squeezing them in one of his.
"What is it, babygirl? Are you in pain?"
"No," you whispered. "I just – I don't understand what happened."
Sighing deeply, Joel lowered his head until his lips were ghosting over the back of your hand.
"You don't have to understand."
"But I want to."
His crude, impolite side pressured him to tell you to be quiet and continue to steer the course of this night, but he couldn't bring himself to use his powerful voice on you in a moment of such vulnerability and intimacy. Not just for you. No, Joel himself felt beyond overwhelmed by the reveal of those emotions flapping within him. Emotions like possessiveness, jealousy, affection, care that he hadn't even realized he was still capable of.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart."
"What do you mean?" you purred, turning onto your side and expectantly searching his eyes.
"I shouldn't have made you go through this. It was wrong."
"But you – "
"I know all the things that I said to you. But I also know that – that you're mine. Every single night without exception. Tommy doesn't get to touch you. No one does except for me."
All of a sudden, tears swam in your eyes, which unsettled him. He had meant to calm you, and now here you were looking even more devastated than before.
"Babygirl," Joel muttered, rising to his feet only to then sit on the edge of the bed to minimize the distance between the two of you.
"No, I… I just – I really missed you."
His large hands enclosed around your face, thumbs dragging along your blotchy skin until they reached the area right under your eyes.
"You missed me?"
"Yes… I wanted to be good. But I – I really wanted it to be you. I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry…" Joel murmured, voice thick with regret. How could he have been so stupid and assume that giving you to his brother was the right thing? The pain that had been caused by the sight of you trapped underneath Tommy was still stinging in his chest even though he had already taken you upstairs, away from his claws.
"Don't be sorry, sweetheart. I'm sorry. For forgettin' that you're mine for a minute. I won't forget it again." With gentle caution, Joel hauled you up a little, just enough to move your head to rest against his shoulder. "You're mine. You wanna be mine, don't you?"
"Yes, Joel. I want that." Fingers pawing at his patchy stubbles, you kicked the blanket away, trying to shift closer to him, but it elicited a chuckle in Joel.
"No, baby… You're gonna catch a cold if you do that. C'mon, let me help you."
He let go of you, much to your distaste, but when you realized that he was joining you in bed, your lips drew with a smile. Joel slipped his legs underneath the blanket, ensured that your feet were nicely tucked in, secure from the cold air and then finally laid down as well.
"C'mere, babygirl."
Joel invitingly opened his arms wide, giving you space to place your head on his chest. The moment his heat transferred over to your body, you began purring gently, like a cat that had finally reconciled with its owner after a day separated from them. Somehow, it felt a little bit like that. But now he was here at last, and not only that, he had also just promised you that he wouldn't let another man touch you again. Ever. After all those doubts about whether you actually meant something to him, Joel had just called you his. You couldn't have felt happier.
"Not gonna let anyone near ya again…" he mumbled, fingers sprawled across your flesh as if to touch as much of you as physically possible.
