This is about Joel x autistic reader and I don't really know if I did a good job because it's my first time writing about an autistic reader but I really hope you're going to like it!!
Contains: panic attack, anxiety, angst, autistic reader, reader is neurodivergent, sensory overload, overstimulation, meltdown, comfort, crying, sound sensitivity, first time doing something scary, established relationship, soft!Joel, fluff, Jackson setting, Joel pays attention
Wordcount: 4,805
Masterlist
Wanna be on my taglist?
You sat silently by the table, your spoon stirring the porridge Joel had prepared for you.
Five times clockwise, five times against the clock… The food looked nice and it tasted good as well, but you couldn't quite get over the fact that Joel and you had run out of maple syrup as you usually added a tablespoon on top.
"That's a lot of stirring."
You looked up at the sound of his voice.
"Is everything okay?"
"No. There is no maple syrup," you answered and tilted your bowl to show him proof.
"I know. I prepared it, sweetheart."
Your jaw locked, teeth grinding, which made a muscle next to your mouth feather.
"Breathe, darlin'… Breathe for me, c'mon."
You followed his advice and had to admit that it felt good to fill your lungs with that much oxygen whereas your panting had felt shallow and flat just a moment ago.
"Are you nervous?"
"About what?"
Joel leaned back in his chair, sipping on his coffee, which caused a delicious nutty scent to spread through the living room. You loved the smell of that inky liquid, but you detested the taste, which was why your mug was filled with cinnamon tea.
"About patrol."
"No, I'm not. I'm prepared. I talked to Tommy about everything, I know what route we're gonna take, I have all my stuff packed. Why should I be?"
You scooped up a spoonful of porridge and brought it to your lips.
"I know. You're prepared, darling, and there's nothin' you have to worry about. But I was askin' about how you're feelin'. About how fast your heart's beatin'… If there's any pricklin' or tinglin'."
"Oh," you made, taking a beat to go within yourself and analyze your emotions like Joel and you had practiced together many times before.
"I think I am a little," you replied in the end and ate another generous spoonful of porridge. It did taste better over time once you stopped thinking about what you could have had if there had been any maple syrup left.
"That's okay. Can you tell me how bad it is?"
"Mhmm… a six maybe?"
Joel nodded in understanding, then reached for your free hand, which you allowed him to grab. He drew soft circles over your wrist, which always made you smile gently as the sensation bordered between a tickle and pure tenderness.
"You don't have to go if you don't want to. No one's gonna be disappointed if you don't do it."
"I know," you said, shrugging. Joel had repeated it many times, and so had Tommy and Maria and quite literally every person you had spoken to about it. And you had talked to many people. Obviously to every single person accompanying you today during your first patrol, as well as other seasoned members of the community who you had hoped could give you some advice. So yes, you knew that you could just stay home if that was what you wanted.
"But I wanna do it, Joel. I need to do this on my own."
Something about his stance irritated you. He looked at you like he felt sorry for you, like you were heading right to your personal downfall but just didn't know it the way he did.
"I know, sweetheart… I'm just concerned about you, you know?"
"There's no reason to be concerned, Joel," you answered, looking at your bowl, which you scraped out in order not to let a single oat flake go to waste. You needed the strength for the long day.
"You know that I'm well-prepared, I spoke to Tommy, Maria, Arthur, Jane, Lily, Ny and George. And I had a lot of training."
"I know all that, baby," Joel whispered and squeezed your hand, which made you look at him at last. "I'm not concerned about you not having the skills to do this. 'Cause I know you do. But what if you get overwhelmed? Or if it's too much and you – you won't have me around to help ya."
Your upper lip twitched while you avoided his dark eyes. Sometimes, you liked looking back at him, when there was something deeply grounding and comforting about the color of his eyes. It was somewhere between a dark brown, but there were also green particles. Other times, it was too much, too intense to feel them on your face, like you were staring straight at the sun without any sunglasses. Exactly like right now.
"There is a chance that this is gonna happen. But I – I wanna do it. I wanna be brave and we – talked about taking risks. Breaking routines sometimes. And this is why I need to do it. Without you. Just on my own."
"I'm proud of you, darling."
Your gaze flew back to him, but it settled on the space between his eyebrows, as it was easier for you to focus on, you had learned.
"I'm so incredibly proud of you."
"Thank you," you whispered, squeezing his hand back firmly.
"Just promise me you're gonna take care of yourself. And talk to Tommy when something's triggerin' you. He'll know what to do. Not as well as I would, but it's better than nothin'."
"I know what to do too," you immediately claimed, causing Joel's smile to widen.
"I know you do, sweetheart. I know you're tougher than any of us, which is why these feelings that I have are so irrational and stupid. But do you know what they mean?"
Your brain worked hard, trying to figure out what the answer to his question might be, but when you had ruled out the option of him being unaware of how good you were able to take care of yourself, you shook your head.
"They mean that I love you. A lot."
Heat bloomed in your cheeks, your mouth curling automatically and your stomach fluttering like it always did when Joel said things like that.
Phrases that normally had a similar effect on your body were You look beautiful as well as You're the most important person to me. He had said the latter only twice to you so far in your relationship, but you had kept it in the back of your mind after your toes had so relentlessly curled and you hadn't quite been able to breathe steadily.
"I love you too," you whispered and bit down on your bottom lip while Joel lifted your hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of it.
"I like when you do this," you then admitted and excitedly tapped your feet on the ground.
"Yes?" Joel murmured and touched your hand again and again, on your knuckles, your wrist, your fingertips until you felt like you were about to explode from all that happiness bubbling in your stomach. You laughed and grinned at him, watched him spoil your hand until your cheeks hurt, and then Joel dropped it again carefully.
"I hate that you're gonna leave," your boyfriend spoke while he stood up and carried his and your bowl to the kitchen sink.
"I'm not leaving," you scoffed and grabbed your cup that you always drank from after your breakfast. You hated it when different flavors mixed, which was why you also always ate one type of vegetable and one side dish after the other.
"I'm coming back at 5 o'clock. Maybe even 4, but Tommy said he can't always plan the time exactly because it depends on if everyone's gonna be on time and if there's gonna be any trouble on the route."
"I know," Joel uttered while he started cleaning the dishes. "I just hate that you're not gonna spend the day with me here. I'm gonna miss ya, sweetheart."
You blushed again. Right, you always reacted to that phrase as well, but it wasn't as profound as the other ones. There was just a little bit of warmth surging into your face, maybe some tingles in your fingertips.
"I'm gonna miss you too… Do you think it was a mistake?" You sat up straight at once, curiously looking at the back of his head.
"Goin' on patrol?"
"No." You shook your head.
"Well, what do you mean then?" Joel asked.
"I meant going without you."
He sighed heavily, putting down the sponge and leaning over the kitchen sink to look at you.
"Of course I would've liked to come with you… Selfishly. But objectively, I think it's the best thing to do."
"Why?"
"'Cause you told me that you wanted to do this on your own. That you wanted to go on patrol without any assistance, without anyone treatin' you differently. And I think it's a good idea to try new things and take on that challenge."
"Yes…" you murmured, scrunching up your nose. "I did."
"You wanna give me a kiss, sweetheart?"
Your lips contorted as you processed his words, hands impatiently drumming on the table.
"Yes."
He tasted like coffee, which you enjoyed. Sure, you didn't like drinking coffee for the taste, but somehow it was a different case when you could sense the hint of that nuttiness on his lips.
When Joel pulled back, he put a hand on your face, cradling you gently.
"I love you so much. And I know you're gonna do amazing."
Joel stirred his coffee, the second one today. He had wanted to wait for you, so that the two of you could sit together while you told him all about patrol, but he had begun feeling tired in the afternoon.
He peeked at his watch again, taking in the slowly moving minute hand. It moved too slowly for his taste.
Joel had planned on fully trusting you, sitting back and calmly waiting for you to come back, but at this point, he couldn't deny feeling nervous. Not that he wasn't convinced you were doing a good job. But goddamnit, he knew you, and there was always something unexpected that could happen on a patrol. And since you weren't always able to handle surprises so well, he found his anxiousness to be justified.
By the time the clock struck 4, Joel tensed up visibly. From now on, he might hear the door any second. He poured himself a second cup of coffee to distract himself, then stood up to circle the table.
4:12. Shit, what if it took until 5? How could he possibly wait until then?
By 4:28 Joel started setting the table and heated some water to prepare you a cup of tea upon your arrival.
Just when he had filled the mug with boiling water, he heard something. Finally. Joel quickly put the cup on the table, placed the box of cookies Maria had brought over the other day next to it and sat back down on his chair, the tip of his foot tapping on the floor nervously.
Then, he finally saw you, opening the door to the living room. Your hair was messy and a little wet at the crown. You took heavy, labored breaths that at first made him think that you were just exhausted. Because you had been calm at first, at least that was how Joel remembered it later.
You sniffled once, eyes nearly completely shut, and tugged at the straps of your backpack. That was the moment he realized that something was off.
"Baby? Are you okay?" he whispered and stood up slowly.
Your breathing became more shallow, sucking in large portions of air while your fingers fumbled with your bag. It seemed like the straps had caught on your hair that had been put up in a ponytail when you had left the house. But now it was falling down your shoulders, which caused Joel to hurry.
He was by your side immediately, his hands flying up to the thin strands that were wrapped around the buckles of your rucksack. By the time his fingers were touching your hair, you were trembling badly, a few first tears streaming down your face while your eyes unfocusedly scurried across his frame and your other surroundings.
"I'm right here, sweetpea. I'm here, I'm just gonna help your hair get loose."
He made sure to fully be in your view so that you wouldn't get startled by any sudden contact. He also avoided touching you anywhere else aside from the hair he intended to free from your straps, as the key during a moment like that was to reduce sensory load and shut down any noises or scents. But before he could take care of the open door, he had to get this goddamn backpack off you.
You were crying hysterically now, shivering like a leaf in the wind, which made a lump appear in his throat. He tried to swallow it quietly, turn down his own panicked breathing as well so there wouldn't be any more noise disturbing you. Everything had to be silent for you to be able to calm from the meltdown.
Finally, he was finished. Joel quickly slid the rucksack off your shoulders and let it drop next to the door, closing it in the same motion. Then, after switching off the lights in the house, he appeared in your sight again, careful not to be too close but showing you that he was there for you.
"I-I can't – Joel, I – I couldn't – " His heart broke at your frail, stammering voice, though he was glad that you were at least speaking. He could tell that a panic attack was particularly bad when you couldn't even get out a single word. And the fact that you were addressing him by his name was a good sign too, as it indicated that you weren't too far away from him mentally.
"It's okay. I'm right here, baby, it's okay. Do you want to sit down? On the floor?" His voice was quiet and measured, without many highs and lows in his volume. Stability and steadiness… that was what you needed right now.
You nodded frantically and sank to the parquet floor beneath you, pulling your knees to your chest and planting your hands flat on the ground. In moments like this, Joel knew better than to guide you to the couch as the fabric tended to overstimulate you during a bad meltdown. And then there were all the pillows, the carpet in front of the couch, the sun shining through the window that occasionally tickled your skin in an upsetting way. The parquet, on the other hand, was hard, even and sleek.
You were always quite sensitive to different materials. There were textures that you couldn't stand in general, no matter if you were feeling well or panicky like in that moment. For example, velvet and fleece.
Now that you were sitting on the floor, Joel knelt down in front of you, keeping his voice down as he spoke to you.
"Do you need to take more clothes off? Is this bothering you?"
He looked down at the tight lacing of your boots, then at your jacket that you had pulled up all the way to your chin to protect yourself from the cold.
"I – I don't – " you panted, bringing a hand to your neck.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here, you see? I'm right here, darling. Whatever you need, I'm gonna help you. Look at me."
Finally, your erratic gaze settled on him for an instant, though your chest was still heaving rapidly.
"Sh-Shoes, Joel," you stuttered, your fingers curled into tight fists while your eyes pinched shut again.
Shit… He had to keep your attention on him, make you look back at him. Joel's skilled fingers unknotted the shoelace effortlessly, although it took him a minute as you always tied two double knots that wouldn't accidentally come off even if you walked through deep snow.
Then, he quickly pulled them off your feet, planted them underneath the coatrack in a neat line and took care of your jacket next. You hadn't explicitly asked him to help you take it off, but given the way you tugged at the collar around your throat, he assumed that it was part of the reason for your meltdown.
Your body was still shivering uncontrollably once the fabric was off, little breathy sobs leaving your throat while your toes were rapidly curling and uncurling like you were fighting an invisible danger. Now that you weren't struggling with the jacket any longer, you put your hands over your ears, quietening any noise that might drift in from the open window, such as children's laughter and birds' singing. Joel quickly rushed toward it and closed it, additionally drawing the curtains so that the bright light wouldn't trigger you.
"It's okay," he uttered as soon as he sat in front of you again, offering you his hands like it was the most natural thing in the world. And you grabbed them immediately, holding onto his wrists to ground yourself the way you liked to do during a panic attack. You dug your nails into his flesh with light force, enough to leave a sting, but he could handle it. Of course he could handle it if it meant it helped you in any way.
"J-Joel, I – I can't – I – should've – "
"Darlin', it's okay," he hushed you while scanning the room to see if there was anything else that might overwhelm you that he hadn't noticed yet.
No… all windows were closed, there weren't any more noise sources, he had switched off the lights and you were sitting on the parquet floor with most of your restraining clothing off your body. You hit your foot on the floor, which Joel let happen without a word. Sometimes your body moved without warning during a meltdown, and as long as there was no reason to think that you were about to hurt yourself, he didn't interfere as it normally was the worst thing he could do.
"I'm here. It's okay," he spoke again, sensing that you were reacting to his words, given the way your eyes flickered toward him. "You're okay. It's just me, you see?"
He gave you a gentle, reassuring smile even though his stomach cramped seeing your parted lips that desperately tried to catch more air than was needed. It seemed like your breathing was still unsteady, something within your chest blocking you from inhaling normally.
"Breathe with me?"
You squeezed his hands firmly, but then, after a couple more minutes, Joel noticed how you were starting to take on his breathing patterns. Everything happened slowly like it usually did, but you were making progress, which was all that mattered to him. He would gladly spend hours on the ground with you if it meant he was helping you deal with your distress.
Your breathing became more regular gradually, and after a while, even your crying stopped. It took a lot longer for your body's shaking to stop, and the same went for the way you bit down on your bottom lip, but even that motion became better soon.
"You're doing so good, sweetheart… It's okay. Everything's okay."
You gasped and briefly let go of his hand to press yours over your chest.
"I messed up," you whimpered, shaking your head frantically while the muscles next to your eyes twitched relentlessly, lids fluttering.
"You didn't mess up. You're doing so well, baby."
"No, I did," you hissed, cheeks turning red with anger. You were rocking yourself back and forth like the panic was still so overwhelming you needed to move in order to let it run free and release yourself from it.
"I – I messed up everything, I couldn't eat the food that I brought with me, I – I shouted at Tommy when he told me I could only continue the patrol if I e-eat something, I couldn't go through the little forest by the river with Lucas and – and in the end, I snapped at Tommy again because he was riding too slowly, and I told him to go faster, but he didn't and so I got angry."
Joel took a deep breath.
He knew that you needed and that you deserved to talk to him about all these things, but he was also positive that for now, his job was to calm you. Assure you that for the moment, everything was fine. That every problem that you felt the need to discuss could be postponed to a later time.
"I understand that," Joel whispered and squeezed your hand once. It was a method the two of you had come up with, it had a soothing and grounding effect on you, but it was also a way to communicate during a panic attack. He squeezed your hand as a silent question, just asking you to do it back so he knew your body was responding to him. Fortunately, he felt a light pressure around his knuckles and took it as his sign to continue talking to you.
"I understand you. How about we talk about all that later? Just the two of us. Would that be okay with you?" Making you feel seen, reminding you that you were in charge, giving you options, making you feel like you were in control of everything that was happening around you such asthe lights, the noises and every other sensory input rather than being at their mercy.
"Later? How late?" you asked, pressing your toes against the parquet.
"Whenever you want. You decide."
"At 7?" you muttered, finally settling your eyes on him again without looking away every few seconds.
"Yes."
"Where?" you asked next.
"On the couch?"
"No." You shook your head, furrowing your brow.
"Where would you like to talk about it?" Joel asked calmly, letting you tighten your grasp around his hands.
"Kitchen table."
"Alright. We're gonna do it at the kitchen table."
"And now I want to take a shower," you breathed, dropping his hands at once.
"Of course. Do you want me to help you with anything?" Joel watched as you rose to your feet, still a little weak on your knees, but the sudden switch in your behavior wasn't something rare for you. He was just glad he had managed to pull you out of your stress relatively quickly, even though he knew that before he had discussed what had happened today with you, there was still a chance the emotions might overwhelm you again.
At his words, you stopped, considering his question for a moment before heading for the staircase. "No."
At 7 o'clock, Joel and you sat next to each other at the table, your elbows planted on the surface. You were clearly feeling better now, which he had noticed the moment you had left the bathroom, seeing that your steps weren't as hurried as before.
The shower had given you the opportunity to clean your skin, wipe off the dirt that might have splashed onto your ankles and successfully fight the coldness clinging to your body like a second skin.
Now, you were sitting next to him in fresh clothes, your hair still a little damp.
Joel waited. He always wanted you to initiate conversations like this, reestablishing the idea that everything was in your hands, and that nothing was going to happen or be said that you weren't comfortable with.
"I brought chaos into the group, I slowed everyone down and I wasn't a help at all. I should never go on patrols again, Joel. And the others probably think so as well. This was a terrible idea."
You took a sip of your tea, giving him the time to think about a reply.
"You're still learning," he said at last, causing your brow to wrinkle.
"I was learning over the past weeks while I was training to go on patrol. I was wrong when I said that I was ready. I shouldn't be learning while I'm on patrol. It's about trusting the people you're out there with, having each other's backs and supporting each other."
Joel knew exactly where you had gotten those words from. Tommy. He gave every person that exact speech and it seemed like you had etched it into your brain, word by word.
"You did an amazing job going out there. It was the bravest thing I've ever seen in my life. You were nervous about it, you were scared, but you did it. Just look at you, sweetheart. Look at where we were six months ago. Do you think you would've believed it if someone had told you back then that you would go on patrol six months later?"
"I shouldn't have gone on patrol," you insisted through clenched teeth, taking a deep breath. "I slowed everyone down, I wasn't any help at all and I screamed at everyone, but most importantly at Tommy. And he said once that he doesn't like loud noises, just like I do, and back then I told him that I didn't like loud noises either, and today I just ignored it and didn't think about it, and now I've caused him pain because I screamed at him."
Joel let you talk patiently, and only when you were done did he offer you his hand, which you took.
"Tommy is gonna be alright, sweetheart. You were so brave today. And the fact that you stayed until the end of patrol, that you got out there beyond the walls of this city is something I'm so proud of you for. I'm so fuckin' proud of you. I understand that you're upset about these things, but all of this takes time. Progress needs time. Today you went out there, which is such a big step. And if you wanna keep tryin', if you wanna go on patrol again, you're gonna take more steps, you're gonna keep makin' progress. We talked about all this before… You're doin' so well, baby. You're doin' so much, you're putting in so much effort. But stuff like that can't be changed overnight. I promise you, you did so wonderful. I'm proud of you and I love you."
Joel noticed your shoulders tense at the last three words, though it indicated joy rather than distress.
"But how am I gonna make progress if I just get scared straight away? I couldn't eat my food, Joel. I wanted to, but my stomach was so tight and I felt sick."
"It's gonna get better, sweetheart, I promise. Next time, you might be able to eat a little bit. And the time after that, you might notice a few trees that look familiar. And after that, you might associate a song with the landscape, which you can hum in your head. And that will make you calmer and you might enjoy the view. And after that, maybe your body doesn't feel tight anymore and you can eat. These are all slow steps, but they count, and they're important. Just please believe me when I say that today was an incredible step. Do you believe it? Do you believe me when I say that I'm proud of you?"
"Yes…" you mumbled, resting your chin on your palm. "I would like to apologize to Tommy tomorrow and then try it again. But I wanna do it with the same group hopefully. I think it's gonna be easier."
Joel nodded encouragingly while still holding your hand. "I think so too."
"Can I have a hug now?" you asked next and smiled when Joel shifted his chair back.
"Of course, baby."
After closing the distance between the two of you, you slung your arms around his neck and pressed your face against the crook of it, keeping it buried there for a minute. Joel threaded his fingers through your hair soothingly, allowing you to tighten your grip whenever you liked until you pulled away, wearing a broad smile that reached your eyes and made them appear all shiny and glossy.
"I love you too, by the way. I didn't say that earlier."
He grinned, crossing his legs while you sat back down. "I'm glad, baby."
"Can you say it again?"
You folded your hands in front of you on the table, looking at him expectantly. Joel cleared his throat, thinking that there was nothing in the world easier than what you had just asked for.
"I love you."
The smile that your features drew was genuine, your shoulders at ease now and your expression calmer than it had been at any point since your arrival.
Yes, he was fucking proud of you. How could he not be?
This is about Joel x autistic reader and I don't really know if I did a good job because it's my first time writing about an autistic reader but I really hope you're going to like it!!
Contains: panic attack, anxiety, angst, autistic reader, reader is neurodivergent, sensory overload, overstimulation, meltdown, comfort, crying, sound sensitivity, first time doing something scary, established relationship, soft!Joel, fluff, Jackson setting, Joel pays attention
Wordcount: 4,805
Masterlist
Wanna be on my taglist?
You sat silently by the table, your spoon stirring the porridge Joel had prepared for you.
Five times clockwise, five times against the clock… The food looked nice and it tasted good as well, but you couldn't quite get over the fact that Joel and you had run out of maple syrup as you usually added a tablespoon on top.
"That's a lot of stirring."
You looked up at the sound of his voice.
"Is everything okay?"
"No. There is no maple syrup," you answered and tilted your bowl to show him proof.
"I know. I prepared it, sweetheart."
Your jaw locked, teeth grinding, which made a muscle next to your mouth feather.
"Breathe, darlin'… Breathe for me, c'mon."
You followed his advice and had to admit that it felt good to fill your lungs with that much oxygen whereas your panting had felt shallow and flat just a moment ago.
"Are you nervous?"
"About what?"
Joel leaned back in his chair, sipping on his coffee, which caused a delicious nutty scent to spread through the living room. You loved the smell of that inky liquid, but you detested the taste, which was why your mug was filled with cinnamon tea.
"About patrol."
"No, I'm not. I'm prepared. I talked to Tommy about everything, I know what route we're gonna take, I have all my stuff packed. Why should I be?"
You scooped up a spoonful of porridge and brought it to your lips.
"I know. You're prepared, darling, and there's nothin' you have to worry about. But I was askin' about how you're feelin'. About how fast your heart's beatin'… If there's any pricklin' or tinglin'."
"Oh," you made, taking a beat to go within yourself and analyze your emotions like Joel and you had practiced together many times before.
"I think I am a little," you replied in the end and ate another generous spoonful of porridge. It did taste better over time once you stopped thinking about what you could have had if there had been any maple syrup left.
"That's okay. Can you tell me how bad it is?"
"Mhmm… a six maybe?"
Joel nodded in understanding, then reached for your free hand, which you allowed him to grab. He drew soft circles over your wrist, which always made you smile gently as the sensation bordered between a tickle and pure tenderness.
"You don't have to go if you don't want to. No one's gonna be disappointed if you don't do it."
"I know," you said, shrugging. Joel had repeated it many times, and so had Tommy and Maria and quite literally every person you had spoken to about it. And you had talked to many people. Obviously to every single person accompanying you today during your first patrol, as well as other seasoned members of the community who you had hoped could give you some advice. So yes, you knew that you could just stay home if that was what you wanted.
"But I wanna do it, Joel. I need to do this on my own."
Something about his stance irritated you. He looked at you like he felt sorry for you, like you were heading right to your personal downfall but just didn't know it the way he did.
"I know, sweetheart… I'm just concerned about you, you know?"
"There's no reason to be concerned, Joel," you answered, looking at your bowl, which you scraped out in order not to let a single oat flake go to waste. You needed the strength for the long day.
"You know that I'm well-prepared, I spoke to Tommy, Maria, Arthur, Jane, Lily, Ny and George. And I had a lot of training."
"I know all that, baby," Joel whispered and squeezed your hand, which made you look at him at last. "I'm not concerned about you not having the skills to do this. 'Cause I know you do. But what if you get overwhelmed? Or if it's too much and you – you won't have me around to help ya."
Your upper lip twitched while you avoided his dark eyes. Sometimes, you liked looking back at him, when there was something deeply grounding and comforting about the color of his eyes. It was somewhere between a dark brown, but there were also green particles. Other times, it was too much, too intense to feel them on your face, like you were staring straight at the sun without any sunglasses. Exactly like right now.
"There is a chance that this is gonna happen. But I – I wanna do it. I wanna be brave and we – talked about taking risks. Breaking routines sometimes. And this is why I need to do it. Without you. Just on my own."
"I'm proud of you, darling."
Your gaze flew back to him, but it settled on the space between his eyebrows, as it was easier for you to focus on, you had learned.
"I'm so incredibly proud of you."
"Thank you," you whispered, squeezing his hand back firmly.
"Just promise me you're gonna take care of yourself. And talk to Tommy when something's triggerin' you. He'll know what to do. Not as well as I would, but it's better than nothin'."
"I know what to do too," you immediately claimed, causing Joel's smile to widen.
"I know you do, sweetheart. I know you're tougher than any of us, which is why these feelings that I have are so irrational and stupid. But do you know what they mean?"
Your brain worked hard, trying to figure out what the answer to his question might be, but when you had ruled out the option of him being unaware of how good you were able to take care of yourself, you shook your head.
"They mean that I love you. A lot."
Heat bloomed in your cheeks, your mouth curling automatically and your stomach fluttering like it always did when Joel said things like that.
Phrases that normally had a similar effect on your body were You look beautiful as well as You're the most important person to me. He had said the latter only twice to you so far in your relationship, but you had kept it in the back of your mind after your toes had so relentlessly curled and you hadn't quite been able to breathe steadily.
"I love you too," you whispered and bit down on your bottom lip while Joel lifted your hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of it.
"I like when you do this," you then admitted and excitedly tapped your feet on the ground.
"Yes?" Joel murmured and touched your hand again and again, on your knuckles, your wrist, your fingertips until you felt like you were about to explode from all that happiness bubbling in your stomach. You laughed and grinned at him, watched him spoil your hand until your cheeks hurt, and then Joel dropped it again carefully.
"I hate that you're gonna leave," your boyfriend spoke while he stood up and carried his and your bowl to the kitchen sink.
"I'm not leaving," you scoffed and grabbed your cup that you always drank from after your breakfast. You hated it when different flavors mixed, which was why you also always ate one type of vegetable and one side dish after the other.
"I'm coming back at 5 o'clock. Maybe even 4, but Tommy said he can't always plan the time exactly because it depends on if everyone's gonna be on time and if there's gonna be any trouble on the route."
"I know," Joel uttered while he started cleaning the dishes. "I just hate that you're not gonna spend the day with me here. I'm gonna miss ya, sweetheart."
You blushed again. Right, you always reacted to that phrase as well, but it wasn't as profound as the other ones. There was just a little bit of warmth surging into your face, maybe some tingles in your fingertips.
"I'm gonna miss you too… Do you think it was a mistake?" You sat up straight at once, curiously looking at the back of his head.
"Goin' on patrol?"
"No." You shook your head.
"Well, what do you mean then?" Joel asked.
"I meant going without you."
He sighed heavily, putting down the sponge and leaning over the kitchen sink to look at you.
"Of course I would've liked to come with you… Selfishly. But objectively, I think it's the best thing to do."
"Why?"
"'Cause you told me that you wanted to do this on your own. That you wanted to go on patrol without any assistance, without anyone treatin' you differently. And I think it's a good idea to try new things and take on that challenge."
"Yes…" you murmured, scrunching up your nose. "I did."
"You wanna give me a kiss, sweetheart?"
Your lips contorted as you processed his words, hands impatiently drumming on the table.
"Yes."
He tasted like coffee, which you enjoyed. Sure, you didn't like drinking coffee for the taste, but somehow it was a different case when you could sense the hint of that nuttiness on his lips.
When Joel pulled back, he put a hand on your face, cradling you gently.
"I love you so much. And I know you're gonna do amazing."
Joel stirred his coffee, the second one today. He had wanted to wait for you, so that the two of you could sit together while you told him all about patrol, but he had begun feeling tired in the afternoon.
He peeked at his watch again, taking in the slowly moving minute hand. It moved too slowly for his taste.
Joel had planned on fully trusting you, sitting back and calmly waiting for you to come back, but at this point, he couldn't deny feeling nervous. Not that he wasn't convinced you were doing a good job. But goddamnit, he knew you, and there was always something unexpected that could happen on a patrol. And since you weren't always able to handle surprises so well, he found his anxiousness to be justified.
By the time the clock struck 4, Joel tensed up visibly. From now on, he might hear the door any second. He poured himself a second cup of coffee to distract himself, then stood up to circle the table.
4:12. Shit, what if it took until 5? How could he possibly wait until then?
By 4:28 Joel started setting the table and heated some water to prepare you a cup of tea upon your arrival.
Just when he had filled the mug with boiling water, he heard something. Finally. Joel quickly put the cup on the table, placed the box of cookies Maria had brought over the other day next to it and sat back down on his chair, the tip of his foot tapping on the floor nervously.
Then, he finally saw you, opening the door to the living room. Your hair was messy and a little wet at the crown. You took heavy, labored breaths that at first made him think that you were just exhausted. Because you had been calm at first, at least that was how Joel remembered it later.
You sniffled once, eyes nearly completely shut, and tugged at the straps of your backpack. That was the moment he realized that something was off.
"Baby? Are you okay?" he whispered and stood up slowly.
Your breathing became more shallow, sucking in large portions of air while your fingers fumbled with your bag. It seemed like the straps had caught on your hair that had been put up in a ponytail when you had left the house. But now it was falling down your shoulders, which caused Joel to hurry.
He was by your side immediately, his hands flying up to the thin strands that were wrapped around the buckles of your rucksack. By the time his fingers were touching your hair, you were trembling badly, a few first tears streaming down your face while your eyes unfocusedly scurried across his frame and your other surroundings.
"I'm right here, sweetpea. I'm here, I'm just gonna help your hair get loose."
He made sure to fully be in your view so that you wouldn't get startled by any sudden contact. He also avoided touching you anywhere else aside from the hair he intended to free from your straps, as the key during a moment like that was to reduce sensory load and shut down any noises or scents. But before he could take care of the open door, he had to get this goddamn backpack off you.
You were crying hysterically now, shivering like a leaf in the wind, which made a lump appear in his throat. He tried to swallow it quietly, turn down his own panicked breathing as well so there wouldn't be any more noise disturbing you. Everything had to be silent for you to be able to calm from the meltdown.
Finally, he was finished. Joel quickly slid the rucksack off your shoulders and let it drop next to the door, closing it in the same motion. Then, after switching off the lights in the house, he appeared in your sight again, careful not to be too close but showing you that he was there for you.
"I-I can't – Joel, I – I couldn't – " His heart broke at your frail, stammering voice, though he was glad that you were at least speaking. He could tell that a panic attack was particularly bad when you couldn't even get out a single word. And the fact that you were addressing him by his name was a good sign too, as it indicated that you weren't too far away from him mentally.
"It's okay. I'm right here, baby, it's okay. Do you want to sit down? On the floor?" His voice was quiet and measured, without many highs and lows in his volume. Stability and steadiness… that was what you needed right now.
You nodded frantically and sank to the parquet floor beneath you, pulling your knees to your chest and planting your hands flat on the ground. In moments like this, Joel knew better than to guide you to the couch as the fabric tended to overstimulate you during a bad meltdown. And then there were all the pillows, the carpet in front of the couch, the sun shining through the window that occasionally tickled your skin in an upsetting way. The parquet, on the other hand, was hard, even and sleek.
You were always quite sensitive to different materials. There were textures that you couldn't stand in general, no matter if you were feeling well or panicky like in that moment. For example, velvet and fleece.
Now that you were sitting on the floor, Joel knelt down in front of you, keeping his voice down as he spoke to you.
"Do you need to take more clothes off? Is this bothering you?"
He looked down at the tight lacing of your boots, then at your jacket that you had pulled up all the way to your chin to protect yourself from the cold.
"I – I don't – " you panted, bringing a hand to your neck.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here, you see? I'm right here, darling. Whatever you need, I'm gonna help you. Look at me."
Finally, your erratic gaze settled on him for an instant, though your chest was still heaving rapidly.
"Sh-Shoes, Joel," you stuttered, your fingers curled into tight fists while your eyes pinched shut again.
Shit… He had to keep your attention on him, make you look back at him. Joel's skilled fingers unknotted the shoelace effortlessly, although it took him a minute as you always tied two double knots that wouldn't accidentally come off even if you walked through deep snow.
Then, he quickly pulled them off your feet, planted them underneath the coatrack in a neat line and took care of your jacket next. You hadn't explicitly asked him to help you take it off, but given the way you tugged at the collar around your throat, he assumed that it was part of the reason for your meltdown.
Your body was still shivering uncontrollably once the fabric was off, little breathy sobs leaving your throat while your toes were rapidly curling and uncurling like you were fighting an invisible danger. Now that you weren't struggling with the jacket any longer, you put your hands over your ears, quietening any noise that might drift in from the open window, such as children's laughter and birds' singing. Joel quickly rushed toward it and closed it, additionally drawing the curtains so that the bright light wouldn't trigger you.
"It's okay," he uttered as soon as he sat in front of you again, offering you his hands like it was the most natural thing in the world. And you grabbed them immediately, holding onto his wrists to ground yourself the way you liked to do during a panic attack. You dug your nails into his flesh with light force, enough to leave a sting, but he could handle it. Of course he could handle it if it meant it helped you in any way.
"J-Joel, I – I can't – I – should've – "
"Darlin', it's okay," he hushed you while scanning the room to see if there was anything else that might overwhelm you that he hadn't noticed yet.
No… all windows were closed, there weren't any more noise sources, he had switched off the lights and you were sitting on the parquet floor with most of your restraining clothing off your body. You hit your foot on the floor, which Joel let happen without a word. Sometimes your body moved without warning during a meltdown, and as long as there was no reason to think that you were about to hurt yourself, he didn't interfere as it normally was the worst thing he could do.
"I'm here. It's okay," he spoke again, sensing that you were reacting to his words, given the way your eyes flickered toward him. "You're okay. It's just me, you see?"
He gave you a gentle, reassuring smile even though his stomach cramped seeing your parted lips that desperately tried to catch more air than was needed. It seemed like your breathing was still unsteady, something within your chest blocking you from inhaling normally.
"Breathe with me?"
You squeezed his hands firmly, but then, after a couple more minutes, Joel noticed how you were starting to take on his breathing patterns. Everything happened slowly like it usually did, but you were making progress, which was all that mattered to him. He would gladly spend hours on the ground with you if it meant he was helping you deal with your distress.
Your breathing became more regular gradually, and after a while, even your crying stopped. It took a lot longer for your body's shaking to stop, and the same went for the way you bit down on your bottom lip, but even that motion became better soon.
"You're doing so good, sweetheart… It's okay. Everything's okay."
You gasped and briefly let go of his hand to press yours over your chest.
"I messed up," you whimpered, shaking your head frantically while the muscles next to your eyes twitched relentlessly, lids fluttering.
"You didn't mess up. You're doing so well, baby."
"No, I did," you hissed, cheeks turning red with anger. You were rocking yourself back and forth like the panic was still so overwhelming you needed to move in order to let it run free and release yourself from it.
"I – I messed up everything, I couldn't eat the food that I brought with me, I – I shouted at Tommy when he told me I could only continue the patrol if I e-eat something, I couldn't go through the little forest by the river with Lucas and – and in the end, I snapped at Tommy again because he was riding too slowly, and I told him to go faster, but he didn't and so I got angry."
Joel took a deep breath.
He knew that you needed and that you deserved to talk to him about all these things, but he was also positive that for now, his job was to calm you. Assure you that for the moment, everything was fine. That every problem that you felt the need to discuss could be postponed to a later time.
"I understand that," Joel whispered and squeezed your hand once. It was a method the two of you had come up with, it had a soothing and grounding effect on you, but it was also a way to communicate during a panic attack. He squeezed your hand as a silent question, just asking you to do it back so he knew your body was responding to him. Fortunately, he felt a light pressure around his knuckles and took it as his sign to continue talking to you.
"I understand you. How about we talk about all that later? Just the two of us. Would that be okay with you?" Making you feel seen, reminding you that you were in charge, giving you options, making you feel like you were in control of everything that was happening around you such asthe lights, the noises and every other sensory input rather than being at their mercy.
"Later? How late?" you asked, pressing your toes against the parquet.
"Whenever you want. You decide."
"At 7?" you muttered, finally settling your eyes on him again without looking away every few seconds.
"Yes."
"Where?" you asked next.
"On the couch?"
"No." You shook your head, furrowing your brow.
"Where would you like to talk about it?" Joel asked calmly, letting you tighten your grasp around his hands.
"Kitchen table."
"Alright. We're gonna do it at the kitchen table."
"And now I want to take a shower," you breathed, dropping his hands at once.
"Of course. Do you want me to help you with anything?" Joel watched as you rose to your feet, still a little weak on your knees, but the sudden switch in your behavior wasn't something rare for you. He was just glad he had managed to pull you out of your stress relatively quickly, even though he knew that before he had discussed what had happened today with you, there was still a chance the emotions might overwhelm you again.
At his words, you stopped, considering his question for a moment before heading for the staircase. "No."
At 7 o'clock, Joel and you sat next to each other at the table, your elbows planted on the surface. You were clearly feeling better now, which he had noticed the moment you had left the bathroom, seeing that your steps weren't as hurried as before.
The shower had given you the opportunity to clean your skin, wipe off the dirt that might have splashed onto your ankles and successfully fight the coldness clinging to your body like a second skin.
Now, you were sitting next to him in fresh clothes, your hair still a little damp.
Joel waited. He always wanted you to initiate conversations like this, reestablishing the idea that everything was in your hands, and that nothing was going to happen or be said that you weren't comfortable with.
"I brought chaos into the group, I slowed everyone down and I wasn't a help at all. I should never go on patrols again, Joel. And the others probably think so as well. This was a terrible idea."
You took a sip of your tea, giving him the time to think about a reply.
"You're still learning," he said at last, causing your brow to wrinkle.
"I was learning over the past weeks while I was training to go on patrol. I was wrong when I said that I was ready. I shouldn't be learning while I'm on patrol. It's about trusting the people you're out there with, having each other's backs and supporting each other."
Joel knew exactly where you had gotten those words from. Tommy. He gave every person that exact speech and it seemed like you had etched it into your brain, word by word.
"You did an amazing job going out there. It was the bravest thing I've ever seen in my life. You were nervous about it, you were scared, but you did it. Just look at you, sweetheart. Look at where we were six months ago. Do you think you would've believed it if someone had told you back then that you would go on patrol six months later?"
"I shouldn't have gone on patrol," you insisted through clenched teeth, taking a deep breath. "I slowed everyone down, I wasn't any help at all and I screamed at everyone, but most importantly at Tommy. And he said once that he doesn't like loud noises, just like I do, and back then I told him that I didn't like loud noises either, and today I just ignored it and didn't think about it, and now I've caused him pain because I screamed at him."
Joel let you talk patiently, and only when you were done did he offer you his hand, which you took.
"Tommy is gonna be alright, sweetheart. You were so brave today. And the fact that you stayed until the end of patrol, that you got out there beyond the walls of this city is something I'm so proud of you for. I'm so fuckin' proud of you. I understand that you're upset about these things, but all of this takes time. Progress needs time. Today you went out there, which is such a big step. And if you wanna keep tryin', if you wanna go on patrol again, you're gonna take more steps, you're gonna keep makin' progress. We talked about all this before… You're doin' so well, baby. You're doin' so much, you're putting in so much effort. But stuff like that can't be changed overnight. I promise you, you did so wonderful. I'm proud of you and I love you."
Joel noticed your shoulders tense at the last three words, though it indicated joy rather than distress.
"But how am I gonna make progress if I just get scared straight away? I couldn't eat my food, Joel. I wanted to, but my stomach was so tight and I felt sick."
"It's gonna get better, sweetheart, I promise. Next time, you might be able to eat a little bit. And the time after that, you might notice a few trees that look familiar. And after that, you might associate a song with the landscape, which you can hum in your head. And that will make you calmer and you might enjoy the view. And after that, maybe your body doesn't feel tight anymore and you can eat. These are all slow steps, but they count, and they're important. Just please believe me when I say that today was an incredible step. Do you believe it? Do you believe me when I say that I'm proud of you?"
"Yes…" you mumbled, resting your chin on your palm. "I would like to apologize to Tommy tomorrow and then try it again. But I wanna do it with the same group hopefully. I think it's gonna be easier."
Joel nodded encouragingly while still holding your hand. "I think so too."
"Can I have a hug now?" you asked next and smiled when Joel shifted his chair back.
"Of course, baby."
After closing the distance between the two of you, you slung your arms around his neck and pressed your face against the crook of it, keeping it buried there for a minute. Joel threaded his fingers through your hair soothingly, allowing you to tighten your grip whenever you liked until you pulled away, wearing a broad smile that reached your eyes and made them appear all shiny and glossy.
"I love you too, by the way. I didn't say that earlier."
He grinned, crossing his legs while you sat back down. "I'm glad, baby."
"Can you say it again?"
You folded your hands in front of you on the table, looking at him expectantly. Joel cleared his throat, thinking that there was nothing in the world easier than what you had just asked for.
"I love you."
The smile that your features drew was genuine, your shoulders at ease now and your expression calmer than it had been at any point since your arrival.
Yes, he was fucking proud of you. How could he not be?
This is about Joel x autistic reader and I don't really know if I did a good job because it's my first time writing about an autistic reader but I really hope you're going to like it!!
Contains: panic attack, anxiety, angst, autistic reader, reader is neurodivergent, sensory overload, overstimulation, meltdown, comfort, crying, sound sensitivity, first time doing something scary, established relationship, soft!Joel, fluff, Jackson setting, Joel pays attention
Wordcount: 4,805
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You sat silently by the table, your spoon stirring the porridge Joel had prepared for you.
Five times clockwise, five times against the clock… The food looked nice and it tasted good as well, but you couldn't quite get over the fact that Joel and you had run out of maple syrup as you usually added a tablespoon on top.
"That's a lot of stirring."
You looked up at the sound of his voice.
"Is everything okay?"
"No. There is no maple syrup," you answered and tilted your bowl to show him proof.
"I know. I prepared it, sweetheart."
Your jaw locked, teeth grinding, which made a muscle next to your mouth feather.
"Breathe, darlin'… Breathe for me, c'mon."
You followed his advice and had to admit that it felt good to fill your lungs with that much oxygen whereas your panting had felt shallow and flat just a moment ago.
"Are you nervous?"
"About what?"
Joel leaned back in his chair, sipping on his coffee, which caused a delicious nutty scent to spread through the living room. You loved the smell of that inky liquid, but you detested the taste, which was why your mug was filled with cinnamon tea.
"About patrol."
"No, I'm not. I'm prepared. I talked to Tommy about everything, I know what route we're gonna take, I have all my stuff packed. Why should I be?"
You scooped up a spoonful of porridge and brought it to your lips.
"I know. You're prepared, darling, and there's nothin' you have to worry about. But I was askin' about how you're feelin'. About how fast your heart's beatin'… If there's any pricklin' or tinglin'."
"Oh," you made, taking a beat to go within yourself and analyze your emotions like Joel and you had practiced together many times before.
"I think I am a little," you replied in the end and ate another generous spoonful of porridge. It did taste better over time once you stopped thinking about what you could have had if there had been any maple syrup left.
"That's okay. Can you tell me how bad it is?"
"Mhmm… a six maybe?"
Joel nodded in understanding, then reached for your free hand, which you allowed him to grab. He drew soft circles over your wrist, which always made you smile gently as the sensation bordered between a tickle and pure tenderness.
"You don't have to go if you don't want to. No one's gonna be disappointed if you don't do it."
"I know," you said, shrugging. Joel had repeated it many times, and so had Tommy and Maria and quite literally every person you had spoken to about it. And you had talked to many people. Obviously to every single person accompanying you today during your first patrol, as well as other seasoned members of the community who you had hoped could give you some advice. So yes, you knew that you could just stay home if that was what you wanted.
"But I wanna do it, Joel. I need to do this on my own."
Something about his stance irritated you. He looked at you like he felt sorry for you, like you were heading right to your personal downfall but just didn't know it the way he did.
"I know, sweetheart… I'm just concerned about you, you know?"
"There's no reason to be concerned, Joel," you answered, looking at your bowl, which you scraped out in order not to let a single oat flake go to waste. You needed the strength for the long day.
"You know that I'm well-prepared, I spoke to Tommy, Maria, Arthur, Jane, Lily, Ny and George. And I had a lot of training."
"I know all that, baby," Joel whispered and squeezed your hand, which made you look at him at last. "I'm not concerned about you not having the skills to do this. 'Cause I know you do. But what if you get overwhelmed? Or if it's too much and you – you won't have me around to help ya."
Your upper lip twitched while you avoided his dark eyes. Sometimes, you liked looking back at him, when there was something deeply grounding and comforting about the color of his eyes. It was somewhere between a dark brown, but there were also green particles. Other times, it was too much, too intense to feel them on your face, like you were staring straight at the sun without any sunglasses. Exactly like right now.
"There is a chance that this is gonna happen. But I – I wanna do it. I wanna be brave and we – talked about taking risks. Breaking routines sometimes. And this is why I need to do it. Without you. Just on my own."
"I'm proud of you, darling."
Your gaze flew back to him, but it settled on the space between his eyebrows, as it was easier for you to focus on, you had learned.
"I'm so incredibly proud of you."
"Thank you," you whispered, squeezing his hand back firmly.
"Just promise me you're gonna take care of yourself. And talk to Tommy when something's triggerin' you. He'll know what to do. Not as well as I would, but it's better than nothin'."
"I know what to do too," you immediately claimed, causing Joel's smile to widen.
"I know you do, sweetheart. I know you're tougher than any of us, which is why these feelings that I have are so irrational and stupid. But do you know what they mean?"
Your brain worked hard, trying to figure out what the answer to his question might be, but when you had ruled out the option of him being unaware of how good you were able to take care of yourself, you shook your head.
"They mean that I love you. A lot."
Heat bloomed in your cheeks, your mouth curling automatically and your stomach fluttering like it always did when Joel said things like that.
Phrases that normally had a similar effect on your body were You look beautiful as well as You're the most important person to me. He had said the latter only twice to you so far in your relationship, but you had kept it in the back of your mind after your toes had so relentlessly curled and you hadn't quite been able to breathe steadily.
"I love you too," you whispered and bit down on your bottom lip while Joel lifted your hand to his lips and pressed a gentle kiss to the back of it.
"I like when you do this," you then admitted and excitedly tapped your feet on the ground.
"Yes?" Joel murmured and touched your hand again and again, on your knuckles, your wrist, your fingertips until you felt like you were about to explode from all that happiness bubbling in your stomach. You laughed and grinned at him, watched him spoil your hand until your cheeks hurt, and then Joel dropped it again carefully.
"I hate that you're gonna leave," your boyfriend spoke while he stood up and carried his and your bowl to the kitchen sink.
"I'm not leaving," you scoffed and grabbed your cup that you always drank from after your breakfast. You hated it when different flavors mixed, which was why you also always ate one type of vegetable and one side dish after the other.
"I'm coming back at 5 o'clock. Maybe even 4, but Tommy said he can't always plan the time exactly because it depends on if everyone's gonna be on time and if there's gonna be any trouble on the route."
"I know," Joel uttered while he started cleaning the dishes. "I just hate that you're not gonna spend the day with me here. I'm gonna miss ya, sweetheart."
You blushed again. Right, you always reacted to that phrase as well, but it wasn't as profound as the other ones. There was just a little bit of warmth surging into your face, maybe some tingles in your fingertips.
"I'm gonna miss you too… Do you think it was a mistake?" You sat up straight at once, curiously looking at the back of his head.
"Goin' on patrol?"
"No." You shook your head.
"Well, what do you mean then?" Joel asked.
"I meant going without you."
He sighed heavily, putting down the sponge and leaning over the kitchen sink to look at you.
"Of course I would've liked to come with you… Selfishly. But objectively, I think it's the best thing to do."
"Why?"
"'Cause you told me that you wanted to do this on your own. That you wanted to go on patrol without any assistance, without anyone treatin' you differently. And I think it's a good idea to try new things and take on that challenge."
"Yes…" you murmured, scrunching up your nose. "I did."
"You wanna give me a kiss, sweetheart?"
Your lips contorted as you processed his words, hands impatiently drumming on the table.
"Yes."
He tasted like coffee, which you enjoyed. Sure, you didn't like drinking coffee for the taste, but somehow it was a different case when you could sense the hint of that nuttiness on his lips.
When Joel pulled back, he put a hand on your face, cradling you gently.
"I love you so much. And I know you're gonna do amazing."
Joel stirred his coffee, the second one today. He had wanted to wait for you, so that the two of you could sit together while you told him all about patrol, but he had begun feeling tired in the afternoon.
He peeked at his watch again, taking in the slowly moving minute hand. It moved too slowly for his taste.
Joel had planned on fully trusting you, sitting back and calmly waiting for you to come back, but at this point, he couldn't deny feeling nervous. Not that he wasn't convinced you were doing a good job. But goddamnit, he knew you, and there was always something unexpected that could happen on a patrol. And since you weren't always able to handle surprises so well, he found his anxiousness to be justified.
By the time the clock struck 4, Joel tensed up visibly. From now on, he might hear the door any second. He poured himself a second cup of coffee to distract himself, then stood up to circle the table.
4:12. Shit, what if it took until 5? How could he possibly wait until then?
By 4:28 Joel started setting the table and heated some water to prepare you a cup of tea upon your arrival.
Just when he had filled the mug with boiling water, he heard something. Finally. Joel quickly put the cup on the table, placed the box of cookies Maria had brought over the other day next to it and sat back down on his chair, the tip of his foot tapping on the floor nervously.
Then, he finally saw you, opening the door to the living room. Your hair was messy and a little wet at the crown. You took heavy, labored breaths that at first made him think that you were just exhausted. Because you had been calm at first, at least that was how Joel remembered it later.
You sniffled once, eyes nearly completely shut, and tugged at the straps of your backpack. That was the moment he realized that something was off.
"Baby? Are you okay?" he whispered and stood up slowly.
Your breathing became more shallow, sucking in large portions of air while your fingers fumbled with your bag. It seemed like the straps had caught on your hair that had been put up in a ponytail when you had left the house. But now it was falling down your shoulders, which caused Joel to hurry.
He was by your side immediately, his hands flying up to the thin strands that were wrapped around the buckles of your rucksack. By the time his fingers were touching your hair, you were trembling badly, a few first tears streaming down your face while your eyes unfocusedly scurried across his frame and your other surroundings.
"I'm right here, sweetpea. I'm here, I'm just gonna help your hair get loose."
He made sure to fully be in your view so that you wouldn't get startled by any sudden contact. He also avoided touching you anywhere else aside from the hair he intended to free from your straps, as the key during a moment like that was to reduce sensory load and shut down any noises or scents. But before he could take care of the open door, he had to get this goddamn backpack off you.
You were crying hysterically now, shivering like a leaf in the wind, which made a lump appear in his throat. He tried to swallow it quietly, turn down his own panicked breathing as well so there wouldn't be any more noise disturbing you. Everything had to be silent for you to be able to calm from the meltdown.
Finally, he was finished. Joel quickly slid the rucksack off your shoulders and let it drop next to the door, closing it in the same motion. Then, after switching off the lights in the house, he appeared in your sight again, careful not to be too close but showing you that he was there for you.
"I-I can't – Joel, I – I couldn't – " His heart broke at your frail, stammering voice, though he was glad that you were at least speaking. He could tell that a panic attack was particularly bad when you couldn't even get out a single word. And the fact that you were addressing him by his name was a good sign too, as it indicated that you weren't too far away from him mentally.
"It's okay. I'm right here, baby, it's okay. Do you want to sit down? On the floor?" His voice was quiet and measured, without many highs and lows in his volume. Stability and steadiness… that was what you needed right now.
You nodded frantically and sank to the parquet floor beneath you, pulling your knees to your chest and planting your hands flat on the ground. In moments like this, Joel knew better than to guide you to the couch as the fabric tended to overstimulate you during a bad meltdown. And then there were all the pillows, the carpet in front of the couch, the sun shining through the window that occasionally tickled your skin in an upsetting way. The parquet, on the other hand, was hard, even and sleek.
You were always quite sensitive to different materials. There were textures that you couldn't stand in general, no matter if you were feeling well or panicky like in that moment. For example, velvet and fleece.
Now that you were sitting on the floor, Joel knelt down in front of you, keeping his voice down as he spoke to you.
"Do you need to take more clothes off? Is this bothering you?"
He looked down at the tight lacing of your boots, then at your jacket that you had pulled up all the way to your chin to protect yourself from the cold.
"I – I don't – " you panted, bringing a hand to your neck.
"It's okay, it's okay. I'm here, you see? I'm right here, darling. Whatever you need, I'm gonna help you. Look at me."
Finally, your erratic gaze settled on him for an instant, though your chest was still heaving rapidly.
"Sh-Shoes, Joel," you stuttered, your fingers curled into tight fists while your eyes pinched shut again.
Shit… He had to keep your attention on him, make you look back at him. Joel's skilled fingers unknotted the shoelace effortlessly, although it took him a minute as you always tied two double knots that wouldn't accidentally come off even if you walked through deep snow.
Then, he quickly pulled them off your feet, planted them underneath the coatrack in a neat line and took care of your jacket next. You hadn't explicitly asked him to help you take it off, but given the way you tugged at the collar around your throat, he assumed that it was part of the reason for your meltdown.
Your body was still shivering uncontrollably once the fabric was off, little breathy sobs leaving your throat while your toes were rapidly curling and uncurling like you were fighting an invisible danger. Now that you weren't struggling with the jacket any longer, you put your hands over your ears, quietening any noise that might drift in from the open window, such as children's laughter and birds' singing. Joel quickly rushed toward it and closed it, additionally drawing the curtains so that the bright light wouldn't trigger you.
"It's okay," he uttered as soon as he sat in front of you again, offering you his hands like it was the most natural thing in the world. And you grabbed them immediately, holding onto his wrists to ground yourself the way you liked to do during a panic attack. You dug your nails into his flesh with light force, enough to leave a sting, but he could handle it. Of course he could handle it if it meant it helped you in any way.
"J-Joel, I – I can't – I – should've – "
"Darlin', it's okay," he hushed you while scanning the room to see if there was anything else that might overwhelm you that he hadn't noticed yet.
No… all windows were closed, there weren't any more noise sources, he had switched off the lights and you were sitting on the parquet floor with most of your restraining clothing off your body. You hit your foot on the floor, which Joel let happen without a word. Sometimes your body moved without warning during a meltdown, and as long as there was no reason to think that you were about to hurt yourself, he didn't interfere as it normally was the worst thing he could do.
"I'm here. It's okay," he spoke again, sensing that you were reacting to his words, given the way your eyes flickered toward him. "You're okay. It's just me, you see?"
He gave you a gentle, reassuring smile even though his stomach cramped seeing your parted lips that desperately tried to catch more air than was needed. It seemed like your breathing was still unsteady, something within your chest blocking you from inhaling normally.
"Breathe with me?"
You squeezed his hands firmly, but then, after a couple more minutes, Joel noticed how you were starting to take on his breathing patterns. Everything happened slowly like it usually did, but you were making progress, which was all that mattered to him. He would gladly spend hours on the ground with you if it meant he was helping you deal with your distress.
Your breathing became more regular gradually, and after a while, even your crying stopped. It took a lot longer for your body's shaking to stop, and the same went for the way you bit down on your bottom lip, but even that motion became better soon.
"You're doing so good, sweetheart… It's okay. Everything's okay."
You gasped and briefly let go of his hand to press yours over your chest.
"I messed up," you whimpered, shaking your head frantically while the muscles next to your eyes twitched relentlessly, lids fluttering.
"You didn't mess up. You're doing so well, baby."
"No, I did," you hissed, cheeks turning red with anger. You were rocking yourself back and forth like the panic was still so overwhelming you needed to move in order to let it run free and release yourself from it.
"I – I messed up everything, I couldn't eat the food that I brought with me, I – I shouted at Tommy when he told me I could only continue the patrol if I e-eat something, I couldn't go through the little forest by the river with Lucas and – and in the end, I snapped at Tommy again because he was riding too slowly, and I told him to go faster, but he didn't and so I got angry."
Joel took a deep breath.
He knew that you needed and that you deserved to talk to him about all these things, but he was also positive that for now, his job was to calm you. Assure you that for the moment, everything was fine. That every problem that you felt the need to discuss could be postponed to a later time.
"I understand that," Joel whispered and squeezed your hand once. It was a method the two of you had come up with, it had a soothing and grounding effect on you, but it was also a way to communicate during a panic attack. He squeezed your hand as a silent question, just asking you to do it back so he knew your body was responding to him. Fortunately, he felt a light pressure around his knuckles and took it as his sign to continue talking to you.
"I understand you. How about we talk about all that later? Just the two of us. Would that be okay with you?" Making you feel seen, reminding you that you were in charge, giving you options, making you feel like you were in control of everything that was happening around you such asthe lights, the noises and every other sensory input rather than being at their mercy.
"Later? How late?" you asked, pressing your toes against the parquet.
"Whenever you want. You decide."
"At 7?" you muttered, finally settling your eyes on him again without looking away every few seconds.
"Yes."
"Where?" you asked next.
"On the couch?"
"No." You shook your head, furrowing your brow.
"Where would you like to talk about it?" Joel asked calmly, letting you tighten your grasp around his hands.
"Kitchen table."
"Alright. We're gonna do it at the kitchen table."
"And now I want to take a shower," you breathed, dropping his hands at once.
"Of course. Do you want me to help you with anything?" Joel watched as you rose to your feet, still a little weak on your knees, but the sudden switch in your behavior wasn't something rare for you. He was just glad he had managed to pull you out of your stress relatively quickly, even though he knew that before he had discussed what had happened today with you, there was still a chance the emotions might overwhelm you again.
At his words, you stopped, considering his question for a moment before heading for the staircase. "No."
At 7 o'clock, Joel and you sat next to each other at the table, your elbows planted on the surface. You were clearly feeling better now, which he had noticed the moment you had left the bathroom, seeing that your steps weren't as hurried as before.
The shower had given you the opportunity to clean your skin, wipe off the dirt that might have splashed onto your ankles and successfully fight the coldness clinging to your body like a second skin.
Now, you were sitting next to him in fresh clothes, your hair still a little damp.
Joel waited. He always wanted you to initiate conversations like this, reestablishing the idea that everything was in your hands, and that nothing was going to happen or be said that you weren't comfortable with.
"I brought chaos into the group, I slowed everyone down and I wasn't a help at all. I should never go on patrols again, Joel. And the others probably think so as well. This was a terrible idea."
You took a sip of your tea, giving him the time to think about a reply.
"You're still learning," he said at last, causing your brow to wrinkle.
"I was learning over the past weeks while I was training to go on patrol. I was wrong when I said that I was ready. I shouldn't be learning while I'm on patrol. It's about trusting the people you're out there with, having each other's backs and supporting each other."
Joel knew exactly where you had gotten those words from. Tommy. He gave every person that exact speech and it seemed like you had etched it into your brain, word by word.
"You did an amazing job going out there. It was the bravest thing I've ever seen in my life. You were nervous about it, you were scared, but you did it. Just look at you, sweetheart. Look at where we were six months ago. Do you think you would've believed it if someone had told you back then that you would go on patrol six months later?"
"I shouldn't have gone on patrol," you insisted through clenched teeth, taking a deep breath. "I slowed everyone down, I wasn't any help at all and I screamed at everyone, but most importantly at Tommy. And he said once that he doesn't like loud noises, just like I do, and back then I told him that I didn't like loud noises either, and today I just ignored it and didn't think about it, and now I've caused him pain because I screamed at him."
Joel let you talk patiently, and only when you were done did he offer you his hand, which you took.
"Tommy is gonna be alright, sweetheart. You were so brave today. And the fact that you stayed until the end of patrol, that you got out there beyond the walls of this city is something I'm so proud of you for. I'm so fuckin' proud of you. I understand that you're upset about these things, but all of this takes time. Progress needs time. Today you went out there, which is such a big step. And if you wanna keep tryin', if you wanna go on patrol again, you're gonna take more steps, you're gonna keep makin' progress. We talked about all this before… You're doin' so well, baby. You're doin' so much, you're putting in so much effort. But stuff like that can't be changed overnight. I promise you, you did so wonderful. I'm proud of you and I love you."
Joel noticed your shoulders tense at the last three words, though it indicated joy rather than distress.
"But how am I gonna make progress if I just get scared straight away? I couldn't eat my food, Joel. I wanted to, but my stomach was so tight and I felt sick."
"It's gonna get better, sweetheart, I promise. Next time, you might be able to eat a little bit. And the time after that, you might notice a few trees that look familiar. And after that, you might associate a song with the landscape, which you can hum in your head. And that will make you calmer and you might enjoy the view. And after that, maybe your body doesn't feel tight anymore and you can eat. These are all slow steps, but they count, and they're important. Just please believe me when I say that today was an incredible step. Do you believe it? Do you believe me when I say that I'm proud of you?"
"Yes…" you mumbled, resting your chin on your palm. "I would like to apologize to Tommy tomorrow and then try it again. But I wanna do it with the same group hopefully. I think it's gonna be easier."
Joel nodded encouragingly while still holding your hand. "I think so too."
"Can I have a hug now?" you asked next and smiled when Joel shifted his chair back.
"Of course, baby."
After closing the distance between the two of you, you slung your arms around his neck and pressed your face against the crook of it, keeping it buried there for a minute. Joel threaded his fingers through your hair soothingly, allowing you to tighten your grip whenever you liked until you pulled away, wearing a broad smile that reached your eyes and made them appear all shiny and glossy.
"I love you too, by the way. I didn't say that earlier."
He grinned, crossing his legs while you sat back down. "I'm glad, baby."
"Can you say it again?"
You folded your hands in front of you on the table, looking at him expectantly. Joel cleared his throat, thinking that there was nothing in the world easier than what you had just asked for.
"I love you."
The smile that your features drew was genuine, your shoulders at ease now and your expression calmer than it had been at any point since your arrival.
Yes, he was fucking proud of you. How could he not be?
Contains: canon typical violence, infected attack, age gap (Joel is in his early 50s, Amy is 24), strong language, hurt, comfort, angst, brief crying
Wordcount: 9,741
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel
Reaching for a fresh deodorant he had found in the top drawer underneath the sink, Joel nearly knocked over the soap with his elbow.
"Fuck," he cursed, quickly applied it under his arms and put it in his bag with a quiet sigh. The mirror was fogged, the air warm and steamy after the long shower he had taken, but he felt cleaner than he had in weeks, maybe even months.
Hair still damp, Joel grabbed his belongings and left the bathroom, only to nearly bump into Amy, who was just stuffing a few long-sleeved shirts into her bag. She had already taken a shower, her hair curling at the nape of her neck.
As she straightened up, startled by the sound of his footsteps, he caught a glimpse of her face, which looked a little different now that she was clean and fresh. Pretty, Joel thought, before internally shaking his head at such nonsense. Jesus Christ, this was a twenty-four-year-old woman. Barely even a woman, to be exact. Joel had been a father by the time she was born. He wasn't supposed to feel anything toward her except the hostility that was still deeply rooted in his bones. Most certainly no admiration for her beauty.
But as Amy gave him a gentle smile, Joel's stomach fluttered and he couldn't help but let his gaze roam up her neck, streaking over her lips and then the curve of her nose. Now that she had washed her hair and worn it down, her whole appearance was a little unfamiliar, which made him take in her face from a new angle.
Thick, long lashes framed her eyes, which were all soft and relaxed for once. Perhaps the private time in the bathroom, the opportunity to extensively scrub her body clean, had brightened her mood in exactly the same way it had his. The smile looked good on her face, Joel found.
He felt a light sting beneath his chest, which spread through his whole body a moment later. He should bury these thoughts in the darkest corner of his mind and never return to them. Amy was the last person he should ever take a second look at, let alone deem pretty. The next time a similar thought would cross his mind, he would shut it down at once and numb his brain, he promised himself as he shifted his gaze toward his own bag, which was still waiting for him to shove a few clothes inside.
"Are we gonna leave now?" she asked and pulled at the sleeves of her new shirt, covering her hands with the fabric.
"Soon. But first we're gonna go to the basement."
He led the way again, feeling Amy's presence closely behind him. The stairs creaked under their weight as though they hadn't been disturbed by humans in quite some time, which might well be the truth. As far as Joel was aware, Bill and Frank had been occupied with much more pressing matters than cleaning the guns stored down here. Such as caring for Frank's declining health.
"Wow…" Amy hummed as she took in the countless rifles and guns hanging on the walls, a sight that could have been straight out of an action thriller.
"That's insane. What did they need all that for?"
"Well, most of it is from before the outbreak. Back when Bill was rottin' away in his basement and assumed the fascist government was tryin' to control and spy on people." Joel turned around slowly, hands tucked in his pockets. "But I'd guess they had a lot to fight off over the years. There're always raiders who find this town and wonder why it's so well intact."
"Can I have one?" It took him a moment to comprehend what she was talking about.
"What, a gun?"
"Yeah."
Gaze drifting across the heavily loaded wall, he let out a slow breath, realizing she was probably right to want to carry a weapon as well. Joel was a man of control, someone who liked being in charge of as much as he could possibly supervise, and that included matters of safety. But Amy was an adult who definitely wasn't as capable as he or Tess had been, but he could teach her. And two armed people were better than one.
Reluctantly, Joel reached for a small gun, easy to handle and not too heavy to overwhelm her. There was a sour taste in his mouth as he handed it to her, furrowing his brow at her bright eyes.
"Have you ever carried a gun before?"
She nodded slowly. "Yeah. Of course."
"And have you shot one before?"
"Yes."
Joel didn't let go of the weapon yet, which made her raise her gaze, some of the excitement falling off her face.
"Tell me about it."
"It was just once… It's – It doesn't matter, does it? Why do you wanna know?"
"'Cause I wanna know how much you know about guns, you little brat."
Amy's lips puckered, her hand loosening its grip as she gently traced the handle. "Not a lot, I guess… You can start with the basics."
"Oh, thank you very much, princess. How very generous of you." Joel roughly yanked the gun away, grabbing a few other things that might be useful, such as ammunition, before heading upstairs again.
"What, am I not gonna get a gun?" Amy asked loudly and quickly followed him up to the ground floor.
"You will," Joel grunted, huffing in annoyance. "But do I look like I wanna get shot in the shoulder when you try to aim without knowing how? Ain't no way I'm lettin' you walk around with this before you know how to use it. I'm gonna teach ya. And if you do a good job, you're gonna carry it."
She looked up at him with wide eyes, teeth grating as she nodded. "Okay."
"Good," Joel uttered, surprised and quite frankly relieved that his earlier rules seemed to be sticking for once. At least she was accepting his instructions without talking back.
"How do you shoot with a rifle?" Amy asked while Joel stuffed a few last things into his backpack, throwing her a suspicious glance.
"Why, do you also wanna learn how to use a rifle? We should start with a handgun before we move to this heavy thing."
"I know… I know, I just – how did you learn it?"
Joel sighed, feeling no desire to give her extensive insight into his history and how he had come to own his first rifle.
"Experience. Time. And some luck. Now move. Have you packed everythin'?"
The two of them had already brought most of their things to the car, so all that was left were their bags, which Joel carelessly threw onto the backseat.
"Go on. Ain't nobody comin' to hold the door open for ya," he scoffed, walking around the car to get into the driver's seat. She released a soft breath, climbing into the vehicle, which made Joel realize something he hadn't considered before.
"S'your first time in a fuckin' car?"
"No. I've been in a car before. I just… can't remember it, you know?" Amy let her gaze wander curiously around the interior, from the wheel to the mirror and the windshield, ending at the gear shift.
"I would really like to learn how to drive."
"No fuckin' way," Joel stated, starting the car, which fortunately rolled on with no problems.
"Why not?"
"'Cause I spent weeks practicin' with my father, I drove around a lot and I had a driver's test. You think I'm just gonna let you drive without any of that? You think I wanna crash into a fuckin' tree?" Joel rolled his eyes, navigating the car through the abandoned town and then out through the gate.
"Alright. Fine. But you're gonna change your mind once you get tired and you have no one to take the wheel."
"Watch me…" Joel grunted, narrowed eyes fixed on the road ahead as he picked up speed.
Two hours later, Amy was sound asleep.
Once Joel noticed her steady breathing, he turned his attention to his surroundings and realized for the first time that it must have gotten late, the moon casting a silvery gleam across her face.
"Alright," he growled, but when she didn't stir, Joel waited until he had parked the car off to the left of the road in the forest and then shook her by the shoulder.
"Time to wake up."
"What?" Amy asked in confusion, darting around only to realize that she didn't know where she was. It seemed like she was still too sleepy to recognize the car either.
"I parked the car. S'time to get some rest for the night."
"Where are we? I swear to god, if you kidnapped me –"
"Kidnapped you?" Joel snorted, opening the driver's door. "Why would I kidnap you? What would I do with you, huh? I'm already gettin' you to the one person who's gonna give me anythin' I want in exchange for you. Now get out."
He left the car, waiting for Amy to do the same, then pointed to a small clearing that was beautifully lit by the moon.
"Same rules as last night. No loud noises, no talkin', no light, and we're gonna be fine."
"Aren't we gonna eat something first?"
"'Course we are. Why do you think we packed all that stuff?" Joel opened the back door and grabbed one of the large backpacks he had found in a closet in Bill's basement, filled with all sorts of canned goods such as beans, meat, whole meals.
Fifteen minutes later, after Joel had lit a small fire to cook some ready-made pasta, Amy chuckled softly, pulling the sweatshirt tighter around her shoulders.
"What?" Joel asked, unable to guess what was amusing her.
"I had a dream. During our drive."
"Congratulations." He didn't spare her a glance, determinedly staring at the little steaming pot.
"You don't wanna know what it was about?"
"No. I don't."
Silence settled over the scene until Amy cleared her throat and started talking regardless.
"Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. I dreamt that I was still inside the QZ. But there were no humans, just infected. Who could suddenly talk to me, so I was confused at first, but then I treated them like any other people."
Her mouth twisted as though she knew exactly that Joel couldn't have been less interested in her dreams. "What about you?"
"What about me?" he growled.
"Do you dream?"
"I dream every night."
Her eyes rolled, then followed his hands as he scooped some of the noodles into a bowl. "No, I mean how often can you remember?"
I wish I never remembered, was the thought that raced through his mind, but he just replied with a shrug.
"Sometimes. Occasionally."
"And do you –"
"Eat," Joel cut her off, expression stiff. His lids were heavy and his sore limbs were urging him to lie down after that long, draining day. No wonder Amy was in a talkative mood after her extensive nap.
He should be grateful, Joel thought, taking a spoonful of hot pasta. Every second he could spend without Amy's voice ringing in his ear was precious to him. Just like the day before, Joel told her to go to sleep as soon as the two of them were done with their meals.
"I'm not even tired yet," Amy hummed as she lay down, but Joel ignored it. Of course he wasn't either, but resting on his side, eyes open and mouth shut, was better than sitting here with her. Perhaps Amy would get ideas and assume that he was interested in a conversation.
He suppressed the urge to curse as he slipped into his sleeping bag, pulling it up all the way to his chin as if it would protect him from his own thoughts.
From this angle, he had the perfect view of the back of her head, her silky hair that looked so soft and light he believed a single breeze would make it flutter in the wind like leaves. He wished he could turn onto his other side and peer at the dark, slim stems of the trees instead, but in that case it would be his weak, nearly deaf ear listening for any approaching danger. Sure, Joel could ask Amy to switch sides, but he felt too worn-out to make the effort.
"Joel?"
He scoffed through his nose, closing his eyes the moment the woman shifted to face him. He couldn't look at her. Everything was too much; he felt overwhelmed and scared of the thoughts that might course through his mind at the sight of her. Joel was able to handle his mood during the day when he was focused on more important things such as driving or raiding Bill's home, but right now he didn't want to risk it. Especially not when Amy gave him those big, doe eyes that always made his bones go slack. What a good thing he was already lying down.
"What?" he barked.
"Are you cold?"
"No," he hissed, though he tucked his sweatshirt under his chin.
"Me neither."
"Then why are you askin' me, goddamnit. Go to sleep."
He didn't receive an answer, which made him cautiously open his left eye. Amy looked small, vulnerable beneath a pile of clothes. Just like the night before, she was wearing an extra layer to keep her warm, which was probably a good thing.
"I'm not tired," she almost apologetically whispered, meeting his gaze with a gentle smile playing at her lips. Shit. His heart was pounding in his chest, so he quickly forced himself to think of something else. The next day. The ten-hour drive in a stuffy car, the scarce meal that would await him in the morning, the horrible sun glaring through the windshield —
"How do you know Marlene?"
Well, at least that was a question he could answer with closed eyes and that would lead his thoughts elsewhere.
"My brother was with the Fireflies. S'how I met Marlene."
"Your brother was a Firefly?"
"I said he was with the Fireflies."
"Where's the difference?"
Joel sighed, chewing on his bottom lip. "Sleep."
For roughly five minutes, he believed there was a chance his travel companion was taking his words to heart at last, which was why he finally relaxed as well, doing his hardest to keep his mind from wandering off to her pretty hair, her beautiful hands, her gorgeous smile.
He knew how wrong it was, but he found that it wasn't that simple to banish certain feelings from his heart. He could distract himself by consciously concentrating on other things, but the more tired he became, the less control he had over his own mind. Which was why he always found himself dwelling on Amy's beauty.
When he turned onto his back, huffing out his frustration, he tried to change his angle on this. Yes, he found her pretty. Because she was. Objectively. And Joel was a man who liked pretty women, it was simple. He hadn't been with a woman in years, so it was only natural to have these thoughts. It didn't mean he had any intention of acting on them. Perhaps it was even healthier to accept that he felt attracted to Amy. These feelings would probably disappear on their own once he stopped trapping them and hiding them in the back of his mind. He might suffer for a few days, head swirling and his eyes lingering on her a little longer than was appropriate, but then they would fade on their own and he could live in peace.
Jesus, she was twenty-four. Could be his fuckin' kid.
Yeah, everything would be fine. No one, and especially not Amy, could read his mind and find out about his rotten brain. As long as he kept his desires to himself, they could inhabit his head for a while until this strange phase was over.
"Joel?"
Damn, he had assumed she had dozed off by now.
"What." It didn't even sound like a question, his voice laced with hostility.
"Are we safe here?"
"Didn't you ask the same fuckin' question yesterday?"
"Maybe," she admitted quietly.
"And did somethin' happen?"
"No."
"There ya go."
He turned onto his other side, thinking that he better trusted his gut over what he had told Amy instead of torturing himself by lying on his right side just so that his good ear was free. What he had said to her was the truth. There was no one out here, and even if there were, they wouldn't see the two of them in the dark.
"But there could be infected, right?"
"Yes," Joel grudgingly groaned. "Theoretically. But the chances are low."
"And… raiders."
"Yes," he whispered, and didn't soften his words this time. Not that he deemed it very likely to meet raiders out here in the middle of the woods, but claiming there were none would be a lie Joel wasn't comfortable telling her, despite all the trouble between them.
"Okay," Amy replied, but she couldn't fool him with her neutral, steady voice.
For the most part, Joel wished she would just go to sleep without bothering him again with more pointless questions, but there was also a part of him that understood her fear and pitied her genuinely. Of course she was scared. Was there any way around it? She was so young, so incapable of defending herself if it came down to it. Someone who had never been outside the QZ. Probably. At least, that was what Joel assumed about her past.
Sure, he was here to protect her, but Joel had to admit that it was a frightening thing to just close one's eyes, let oneself fall, and trust that nothing would happen to one's exposed and vulnerable body in the night.
Without saying anything, Joel sat up.
He didn't even know if Amy was still awake as he reached for his rifle, rubbing his swollen eyes with his knuckles. He was so tired he felt light-headed, craved sleep so much that it ate at him from within like an insatiable hunger.
And yet, Joel kicked off his sleeping bag a while later and rose to his feet.
He did it mostly so Amy would sleep at last without disturbing him with any more questions about their safety. And maybe because he felt for her, just a trifle. Just enough to make his eyes drift over her form, curled in a ball, while a quiet warmth spread through his lower belly.
Joel must have fallen asleep at around 5 a.m.
That was what he guessed, at least.
When he woke up the next morning, his lids still felt heavy, as though little stones were attached to the skin, pressing down onto his eyes with a relentless force that only vanished when he closed them. But to finally do that, he had to endure another day and pray that this time, Amy and he would find another place to sleep, one where she would feel safer than out here.
He was just brewing some coffee when his travel companion blinked awake, yawning and shifting on the ground.
"What time is it?" she breathed, rolling her head as though her body was still fighting off sleep. Surely this little brat was about to complain about being tired after he had spent a whole night on his feet just to make her feel a little safer and make sure nothing happened to her.
"8."
"You made coffee?"
His eyes narrowed slightly, traveling mistrustfully over the friendly look on her face.
"Yes?"
"Can I have some?"
"No fuckin' way."
Amy sat up, holding her head, which was probably spinning from the sudden motion. "Why not?"
"'Cause you're already a pain in my ass. No way I'm givin' you caffeine so you're gonna be even more annoyin'."
She folded her arms in front of her chest, greedily eyeing the steaming liquid that, Joel had to admit, emitted a delicious, nutty scent.
"Please. Otherwise I'm surely gonna fall asleep again."
"I don't care if you fall asleep. Actually, please do. S'gonna make all of this a lot easier for me if I don't have to listen to you talkin'."
With that, Joel closed the lid of the coffee pot, throwing her one last irritated glance, which Amy returned by jutting her chin out. God, she really did look beautiful in the morning, and that was despite the pronounced crease on her brow. When other people's skin was sallow, eyes hooded and hair standing out in all directions, Amy just looked… adorable. Sure, she wore dark circles underneath her eyes and looked a little drowsy herself, but somehow all of those little details only added to his feelings.
He quickly averted his gaze from her, hoping that his thoughts would disappear the moment his attention lay elsewhere, but of course nothing helped. Her features, her pretty pout were still stuck in his head like a song he couldn't get out of his mind. She was like a curse haunting him in two different ways, he realized, though both were very bad. Like problems he wished he could be rid of. She vexed the shit out of him, and every time he found peace for a single moment, it wasn't her obnoxious behavior burdening him but her appearance. It was unfair, really. It wasn't like she had done anything to deserve her looks, or the way she appeared to the outside world.
"Okay, just a sip," Amy stated. His head began throbbing, and he wished he could bury it beneath a pile of clothes just to drown out the noise. Or get another hour of sleep.
"What, are you addicted to coffee? You shouldn't be. Not at your age."
"At my age? What's that supposed to mean?" she indignantly spat.
"How long you been drinkin' coffee?" Joel asked suspiciously, but poured a little of the dark liquid into a cup. If there was one thing he had learned about addicts, it was that they became insufferable when they didn't get their fix. And since Amy was already intolerable, he didn't want to make it worse by dealing with her withdrawal symptoms all day.
"Since I was… 15, I think. And I'm not addicted. I just need it to wake up."
"That's the fuckin' definition of bein' addicted," Joel grunted.
"Then you're addicted too. We all are, it's just not an unhealthy addiction."
"This ain't about me." He handed her the cup roughly, the liquid nearly spilling over the rim. "Drink up. But you ain't gonna have this privilege every day, so enjoy it. No way I'm wastin' my coffee on a brat like you."
Amy savored the coffee silently and far more slowly than Joel would have liked.
"C'mon. We're leavin' in ten, so you better hurry up."
"So you grew up in Austin… How did you get to Boston?"
"None of your business," Joel barked, keeping his eyes glued to the road ahead of him. It was his new tactic to prevent his thoughts from wandering off to places they weren't supposed to be. Not looking at her. Avoiding her. He stood by his mantra to let his feelings in rather than forcefully packing them away, but he didn't have to provoke them by admiring her profile, beautifully lit by the rising sun.
"Really?" Amy scoffed, getting comfortable in her seat. "I'm starting to feel like you're the child here."
"I'm just not interested in sharing my history with you. And I'm not interested in learning about yours either."
Joel tightened his grip around the steering wheel, silently cursing at how his eyes flicked over to her every now and then. He had to get a grip on himself, goddamnit.
"Why? We're on a ten-hour drive and you just wanna sit here in silence? Jesus… Besides, I can promise you, you're gonna fall asleep if you don't talk."
Had Amy witnessed him keeping guard that night? The thought crossed his mind briefly, but watching her turn her head to look up at him with that victorious expression, he let the idea go.
"I'm not gonna fall asleep," Joel ground out through his clenched teeth, blinking against the bright sunlight warming his skin.
"You're saying that now. Come on. Just tell me a little something. Okay, I'm gonna give you a choice: either you're gonna talk, or I will."
"Talk about what?" Joel asked, not feeling particularly enthusiastic about either option, but he feared that if he ignored her, Amy would simply start talking his ear off without his permission.
"About our lives after the outbreak."
He had to suppress a chuckle, which quickly turned into a sour taste on his tongue. She was talking about the outbreak like it had been a groundbreaking shift in her life, even though she barely knew what the world had been like before that day twenty years ago.
At the same time, though, it made him aware of their massive age gap once more. He had lived a whole life, had gone through all possible stages before the outbreak, while Amy had been four goddamn years old. Younger than his daughter. The fact that he had ever glanced at her and felt drawn to her pretty face was downright disgusting. He was supposed to view her as a child, not a beautiful, attractive woman. But then again, she was that. It was a pretty accurate description of her, and no matter how hard Joel tried, he wasn't capable of bringing himself to see her as that.
"C'mon. You choose," Amy demanded again, challengingly drawing her eyebrows up.
"Fine… I'll tell ya." He chose that way first and foremost because if she started speaking, he might be more tempted to peer at her from the corner of his eye. That way, he could just stare ahead and ignore her presence, acting like he was talking to himself.
"My brother 'n' I –"
"The one we're traveling to?"
"Yes, goddamnit," Joel rumbled, exhaling in annoyance. "You asked me and now you're cuttin' me off after the first fuckin' word."
"Sorry." Amy leaned back, or at least that was what he could sense happening beside him.
"Anyways. We traveled east. Just 'cause it was horrible in Austin and we thought it must be better somewhere else. The first years after the outbreak were a mess. Everyone was just movin' around, tryna get somewhere better only to realize that it was shitty everywhere. Then the QZs came and many people went back."
"You and Tommy too?"
"No," he stated, lips a thin line. "We traveled further northeast, just tryin' to survive. We met – Tess. On the way. And some others. Just made our way around the country… lived day to day and then ended up in Boston. That was six years ago."
Amy let out a quiet breath. "Six years? You spent six years in the Boston QZ? Wow, no wonder you're so fucking grumpy."
Joel chose not to reply to that, just rolled his eyes. "I wasn't there all the time. Tommy 'n' I, we started smugglin' stuff in and out of the city. Traded with people, mostly desperate FEDRA soldiers, and had our little business runnin'."
"And why did Tommy leave? Did he have enough of you 'cause you suck?" She chuckled quietly, twisting her fingers together on her stomach.
"You think you're increasin' your chances of me tellin' you anythin' else about my past by bein' a fuckin' brat? Do you ever use your brain and figure out when to talk and when to shut your goddamn mouth? Mostly the second one, of course." Joel's jaw tightened, gritting his teeth so firmly he thought he might crack a tooth.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Go on."
Although he didn't feel like being told by Amy of all people to speak, just like he didn't want her ordering him to do anything, he did. Without being certain why he even bothered and didn't just keep silent, hoping she would soon fall asleep.
"He joined the fuckin' Fireflies."
"Oh right… You mentioned that. That's how you met Marlene."
"Correct," Joel muttered, chewing on his bottom lip as the memories bubbled to the surface.
"So he ditched you for the Fireflies? Or how am I supposed to picture that?"
"You're not supposed to picture anythin'…" Joel growled, but then took a deep breath. "He joined 'em. 'Cause he's an optimistic dreamer who thought he could make the world a better place. And I didn't 'cause I see those idiots for what they are."
"If you wanna gossip about the Fireflies, you've come to the wrong person. You know that, don't you?"
Joel narrowed his eyes slightly, casting her a quick look. "Why? 'Cause they wanna cut your arm open and steal your blood to do something that won't work? Are you sayin' you're grateful for that?"
"How do you know it won't work?" Amy asked, sounding more serious than she had in many hours.
"'Cause I've heard those tales before, kiddo," he explained, using the nickname on purpose to reestablish himself as someone with a lot more life experience and knowledge than her. "I've heard people talk about the genius vaccine that's gonna save us all, and we just gotta wait a few months while FEDRA develops it and hands it out. I don't care if they just didn't work or if those motherfuckers didn't hand out the vaccines 'cause they wanna continue oppressin' their people, but it doesn't matter. I haven't seen it yet. And we never will."
Joel paused, letting the gravity of his words sink in while Amy brought her thumb to her teeth, nibbling softly.
"It's not FEDRA, though. It's the Fireflies."
"Oh, and you think they can perform magic tricks just 'cause they're not fascists? There's no vaccine, kiddo. They can cut your arm open all they want, take your blood and do god knows what, but it ain't gonna work."
"How can you be so certain? You have no idea what –" Joel let out a long breath, shaking his head slowly.
"'Cause it's happened too many times. People gettin' their hopes up 'cause they thought some savior was about to come. I learned my lesson. Which is why I don't believe in this shit anymore."
"So you once had hope," Amy whispered.
Joel waited, expecting her to add something to that, but she didn't. And Joel didn't feel like it either.
Amy
When the sun hit the edge of her seat, Amy started counting the power poles by the road.
When it climbed so high in the sky that it burned directly onto her thighs, she moved on to the road signs, figuring it would take longer until that activity bored her too. But when, after an hour or two, she grew tired of observing the bleak landscape as well, her gaze landed on Joel instead.
"Joel?"
She liked saying his name. There was something grounding about the sound, how she could stretch the vowels or clip it short, depending on what she felt like at that moment.
"What?" he said without shifting his gaze to her.
That, she didn't like. Of course, Amy understood that he had to keep an eye on the road and make sure he wasn't driving into one of those power poles she had so intently watched that morning, but she secretly wished he would let his gaze wander to her more often. Not just because she liked looking at more of his face than just his profile, but also because Amy guessed she simply enjoyed having his undivided attention.
"What?" he repeated, hissing the word out like it was a disease.
"Can we stop for a moment? I have to pee."
"Oh, the 'lil princess has to pee again," he snarled, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel in irritation.
She bit her bottom lip to hold back a smile, and for a moment she felt relieved that Joel had his eyes on the road. Otherwise, he might have noticed the faint warm shudder that rippled down her spine whenever he called her that. Amy definitely preferred that nickname over kiddo. Princess made her feel… special.
She wasn't an idiot and was well aware that Joel used it in a sarcastic, almost mocking way, but the effect was the same. Just the sound alone, the way his lips twisted every time he was about to pour it over her like warm honey… Jesus, maybe she really had stared at that man a little too long today, Amy thought, feeling warmth creep up her face.
Hopefully she would come up with other distractions tomorrow and spend her time doing things that wouldn't require focusing on Joel so much. It was just hard not to let her gaze drift to him at times, especially when he called her princess.
"It won't take long, I promise," Amy said and looked out of the window, searching for an abandoned gas station or repair shop.
"Wasn't I the one who told you not to drink so much?"
"Do you want me to die of fuckin' thirst?" she shot back, impatiently throwing her hands up.
"No, but I told you to drink a lot at once so you don't have to pee so often. You've been sippin' on that water bottle for hours without a fuckin' break. Not surprised you gotta pee so often…"
Despite his complaints, Joel pulled off at the next gas station, parking next to the small building and climbing out after grabbing his gun.
"I really don't think this is necessary," Amy muttered and slammed the door shut behind her.
When they had stopped for her first pee break, Joel had insisted on standing outside the bathroom, armed with his gun like a guard dog. Of course she had found it ridiculous back then too, but she couldn't deny the effect his protectiveness had on her. It was the same when she had noticed Joel keeping watch the night before.
His reasons for doing it were utterly insignificant, but feeling taken care of, protected by a man as capable of violence as Joel, made her stomach flutter and sometimes even her lips curve, even though she tried to hide it from him whenever that happened. The stomach fluttering, at least, he couldn't see.
So when Amy complained about his thorough safety measures, she only meant it to some extent. Mostly, she felt flustered, delighted and shy about Joel following her inside, standing so close to the door that she could nearly hear his breathing.
No one had ever cared for her in such a way, and it didn't even matter that he did it solely for the reward Marlene had promised him. She was a broken woman, and had once been a scared little child who had never received the love, shelter and warmth she would have needed after her parents died so early. So it was no surprise that she soaked up Joel's feeble gestures like a dry sponge, no matter how coldly he delivered them. Protection was protection.
"It is," Joel barked, resembling that dog now more than ever. "C'mon. You said you were gonna do it quickly. I wanna drive a few more hours before we make camp."
Joel practically pushed her inside, even holding the door open while Amy slipped under his arm.
"How am I supposed to relieve myself with you lurking around like a fuckin' shadow?" she complained before Joel closed the door with a rough bang.
"You're supposed to pee. Not write down the theory of relativity."
"Joel?" Amy asked, absent-mindedly tracing her finger over the window beside her.
"What?" he barked, casting her a brief glance. "Don't do that. You're gonna get the window dirty. Then I can't see, and I'm gonna crash the fucking car."
"How am I gonna get the window dirty?" she sneered and examined her own fingertip as if looking for the filth he was talking about.
"Just – don't. What's your question?"
"I was wondering if you could tell me more about your brother. How are we gonna find him? Do you know where exactly he lives?"
"I know that he's in Wyoming."
"That's it?" Amy asked, tilting her eyebrows upward.
"No, you little brat. Would you mind letting me finish? I know roughly where he is."
Of course, he had no fucking clue. Great. So she wouldn't just have to endure his horrible temper for the next few weeks — she would also have to wander around Wyoming looking for a man who had left no traces whatsoever. How big was Wyoming even? What did it look like? Was it cold up there? And should she ask Joel these questions or would he taunt her?
"So you have no idea, asshole," Amy said, sounding a lot bolder than she felt.
"What's wrong with you?" Joel hissed, his grip tightening around the steering wheel. Good. At least her words had gotten a reaction out of him. "I know where he is. I'm gonna find him 'cause there ain't no other option."
"And what about me?" Damn, she hadn't meant for it to sound so pathetic, so needy. But after ten hours in this car with nothing to do but stare out of the window, Amy was stuck with her own thoughts and slowly started losing her mind. Her future was more uncertain than it had ever felt before, and all she wanted was to know what was going to happen to her, whether Joel was just as uninformed about where he was going to drop her off as he was about finding his brother, his own flesh and blood.
What if he didn't know anything at all and she ended up on the side of an abandoned road? Amy could already see it clearly in her mind, Joel's triumphant scoff, his features relaxed for once in his life as he left her in the dust. But then again, he wanted that reward Marlene had promised him, right? Goddamnit, she had no idea, but she wanted a little stability. That was all.
"What about you?" Joel snapped, causing her to chew on her bottom lip.
"What – where are we gonna find the Fireflies? What if they're gone? And – I mean, after we find your brother – if we find him – is he… will he come with us?"
"You got a whole lotta questions, kiddo…" Joel groaned, grinding his teeth.
"What do you expect? You think I'm gonna be satisfied driving around with some old grump like you?"
"You can be glad you're drivin' around with me, brat. Others would've killed you already. Would've sold your fuckin' organs for a bit of food."
"But then you wouldn't get Marlene's reward."
Yeah, that worked. Maybe Amy should feel a little more confident about the fact that Joel needed her as much as she needed him. Okay, maybe not just as much, but if something happened to her, he had no purpose going west. Except for his brother, of course.
"Don't worry about that… I'm gonna get Marlene her little prize. And I bet your ass you can't imagine how badly I wish we were there already…"
"Oh, believe me, I can," Amy muttered and rested her chin on her knee, which she hadn't done before. She had thought Joel might not appreciate seeing her put her shoe on the leather seat. Whatever. If he acted like an asshole, he didn't get to be mad at her for disrespecting his rules.
When Joel and Amy stopped at another gas station an hour later, she had to bite her tongue to stop herself from making a snarky comment. Something like I told you not to drink so much at once was on the tip of her tongue, but she didn't say it, thinking that the fact that the two of them hadn't torn into each other during the past few minutes was a win.
"C'mon. Get out of the car," Joel commanded after pulling to a stop, making her sigh in annoyance.
"I can wait in here."
"No, you won't. I'm not gonna say it twice."
Shoulders dropping in defeat, Amy unfastened her seat belt and climbed out of the car, doing so begrudgingly enough that she hoped he felt it.
"Can you stop huffing like a fucking steam locomotive?" Joel grunted on their way inside.
"Oh, excuse me. Now I'm breathing too loudly? What else? You want me to walk differently?"
The store was just as run-down and grimy as the previous station. Some of the food and other merchandise had been knocked off the shelves and was scattered all over the floor. Amy kicked a can aside as she followed Joel toward the bathroom, provoking him to dart a look at her from the corner of his eye, though he restrained himself from commenting.
"You wait here. I swear to god, don't move around, don't do anything stupid. Don't search the store. Just stay by the door. Am I clear?"
"Yes," she said sharply, barely able to stop herself from saluting.
"Alright."
He gave her one last quick, suspicious look before pushing through the bathroom door, rifle in his hand. Amy almost wanted to laugh. What kind of danger was he expecting to lurk inside a bathroom except for mildew on the ceiling and some rusty pipes. Well, whatever made Joel feel safe.
She whistled through her pursed lips, taking in the store more carefully. All those cans and packages spread across the floor…
Why hadn't Joel told her to take a look around and find them some useful snacks for the drive? It would be in both their best interests, right? Maybe that was just what he needed, Amy thought, grinning to herself. A few snacks, a chocolate bar or a handful of salted almonds. Would he consider it a peace offering if she handed him one, or would he be mad at her for ignoring his rules?
In the end, she was too curious to just stand by the door, which was why she started to wander through the shop. It turned out to be a lot larger than she had initially thought. There was another large room connected to this one, with even more magazine stands and empty refrigerated shelves. The latter were obviously not intact anymore, though Amy still took pleasure in finding out what had once been stored in there. The magazines caught her interest as well. Perhaps she could take a stack of them to keep herself entertained during the drive, so she wouldn't have to force conversation with Joel.
Screw him for telling her to wait by the door… If she had obeyed, she wouldn't have found any of this, and would probably bore herself to death after more endless hours of sitting next to him in the car with nothing but the movement of the sun to hold her attention.
Suddenly, she paused. There had been a noise, right? She was just about to call Joel's name, already readying herself to explain what she was doing at the back of the shop, when it happened again.
No, that wasn't Joel…
Amy's brow furrowed, her feet quietly carrying her toward the source of the sound. She passed the checkout counter, the rack with the postcards - she froze.
Without even seeing what was inside the room behind the door that stood just a crack open, she knew at once. The quiet groan that was almost a yelp.
"Oh fuck me," she whispered, feeling so startled by the sudden appearance of the infected that she had yet to move.
Jesus, she should run in the opposite direction, find Joel and get the hell out of here, but something drew her closer to the door. It was dark in there, which was why she couldn't quite make out the creature, but a thin strip of light illuminated its right cheekbone.
This was it… Her worst enemy, which had simultaneously given her her superpower. Amy despised the term, but Marlene had sometimes called her immunity that, which had made her feel like a small child who couldn't understand what any of this was about without that kind of language.
She took another step forward, her hand hovering an inch from the door. She just couldn't stop. The sight was fascinating, the yellow eyes sending a shudder brushing against the back of her neck, her hair standing on end. It was excitement and fear in equal measure, but above all she felt that the thrill of it had an addictive effect on her.
Shit. She had taken another careful step forward without knowing why, and suddenly the creature stirred. At first it was just its face twisting, the milky pupils, which didn't look so milky and distant now, settling on her.
"Shit," she breathed, stepping back slowly. No, no, no, she hadn't been prepared for this. Was she supposed to run or sneak away, hoping the infected wouldn't find her? Joel had said something about Clickers not being able to see. Was this a Clicker? How could she tell if it — The infected lurched forward abruptly, jerking as though possessed by some demonic force, and crawled toward her.
"Oh fuck," Amy gasped, jumping backward and kicking out wildly, when something, or rather someone, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her back.
Joel.
She had never felt so relieved to catch the leather scent that seemed to cling to him like a second skin.
He pulled her behind his massive frame, shielding her from the infected, and fired a few shots at it. Amy couldn't see any blood, but she could only imagine it was an ugly sight. The smell of gunpowder spread rapidly through the air, and suddenly the only sound she could hear was her own heavy panting, whereas the room had just felt so loud and chaotic.
Joel yanked her along without a word. He didn't even allow her a glimpse of the scene, deliberately walking to her left so that his body blocked the view. And Amy let him guide her without question or protest, her head swimming and her fingertips prickling as the adrenaline gradually began to ebb.
She felt stable at his side for once, as though she could let all her emotions run free, allow herself to be afraid, sad, or overwhelmed, because Joel was there to protect her. And there was something incredibly grounding about his solid presence.
By the time they reached the door that led outside, she was trembling, which prompted Joel to place a hand on her back. It was a wise move. Why did she feel so weak in the knees all of a sudden? Was she going to faint? Her breathing came out shallow, her chest rising faster than usual as her body worked to fill her lungs with oxygen that seemed to nourish them but not yet her brain.
Joel directed her back to the car, but instead of walking around to the passenger side, he opened the driver's door and helped Amy onto his seat. Her vision was still a little blurry, and she twisted her trembling hands together to hide her body's struggle, but the fact that she could stretch out her legs and didn't have to support her own weight anymore made her racing heart begin to slow.
"Eat this." Joel's deep voice cut through the fog in her head, making Amy's eyes flicker toward him. He was standing in front of her, one hand on the hood, the other holding a small package.
"What… what is that?" she breathed, unnerved by the thinness of her own voice.
"Glucose. You know what that is?"
She shook her head but allowed Joel to place the item in her open palm.
"Well, it's some sort of sugar. I don't know exactly, but it's gonna help ya."
Amy swallowed hard, then tried to rip the plastic open. Unsuccessfully, of course. Her trembling fingers slipped immediately, which made her exhale in frustration.
"C'mon. Give it to me."
She obeyed, though she couldn't deny feeling a little helpless, sulky, even, for not being able to do it herself. At the same time, she was taken aback by his sudden show of kindness, something Amy hadn't known him to be capable of.
"What is that… Why am I feeling –"
Joel handed her the white tablet, which almost looked like compressed flour.
"Adrenaline. Something about… blood sugar. The point is, you had a lot of energy from the shock, and now that energy is leaving your body all at once, so you're feeling extra weak. Eat it. Why would I poison ya? I would've gotten rid of you already if I wanted to."
Amy paused for a moment, looking at the tiny tablet that was supposed to save her from her own body betraying her. Then she put it in her mouth, chewed gently, and tasted sweetness on her tongue a moment later.
"How long until it kicks in?" Amy asked, glancing up at Joel, who was still watching her as though afraid she might drop dead the moment he looked away. A tremor unfurled along her spine, warm and pleasant, like the graze of a soft feather drawn slowly across her back with the sole purpose of making her feel good. Maybe it was just the angle, but from this perspective Joel's eyes seemed a little kinder than usual. Well, maybe it was just the lighting, but right now they appeared to lack the darkness that usually shone through his irises.
"Not long. Just give it a few minutes," he replied, but Amy barely listened.
Heat rose in her cheeks as she reflected on the thoughts coursing through her mind. Goddamnit. She had come this close to getting ripped apart by an infected, then almost collapsed, and she was thinking about Joel being nice to her for once? About how she felt safe with him and how that fact had somehow gotten through to her? She must have gone insane. Maybe she had just hit her head, couldn't remember it, and that was why she had paid such close attention to the color of his eyes.
"Amy."
Her head shot up, her blown pupils tracking the wrinkles on his brow.
"I asked you if we can keep driving."
"Yes. Yes, of course," she stammered, avoiding his eyes as she rose somewhat unsteadily to her feet.
"Good. Get in then. If you need more sugar, tell me. I got some in my bag."
Finally, Amy regained her ability to think and found her voice again.
"You've been storing those in your bag and didn't think to mention it?"
"Why would I have told you?"
Since Amy had no real response to that, she just shrugged and climbed back into her seat, releasing a deep breath and letting her head fall backwards.
She enjoyed exactly five minutes of that while Joel pulled the car back onto the road before he opened his mouth again and let his shrewd eyes wander across her pale face.
"Well, I ain't gotta tell ya why that was bad, right?"
Amy remained silent, feeling both deflated and furious all at once. God, she was supposed to feel grateful, but for some strange reason she couldn't find that emotion anywhere in her swirling mind right now. At least not on the surface.
"Amy."
Her head turned at the sound of her name slipping past his lips, but she still said nothing.
"I told you to stay by the door. Exactly 'cause of situations like this. And if I recall correctly, I told you a day ago that I was only gonna take you with me if you did what I told you when I told you. You disobeyed me and look where it got ya."
The blood beneath her skin was burning, the world around her tilting. Amy felt strange and unsteady again, though she had been better just a moment ago.
"Yes, and if you had let me stay in the car, none of this shit would have happened!" She detested how emotional, how rattled she sounded, but her feelings were getting the better of her and she was fully at their mercy. All she could do was watch the show as though she were an observer from the outside.
"If you had stayed in the car, worse things could have happened! Do you ever think that I might know what's best for you? That I have a little more life experience than you? Just 'cause you happen to have a big mouth doesn't mean everything coming out of it is good or smart. In fact, most of it is bullshit. You think you're safe in the car? You think you're safe when there's another car passing by with someone inside who sees a young, helpless girl who's unarmed? Someone who might not have good intentions?"
Amy's head began to throb. God, she didn't think she had ever heard Joel talk so much all at once. Why was she even so angry? Why did she feel like she would spit fire if she parted her lips? Why did she want to hit Joel on the arm and maybe kick him in the shin? Those arms that had just killed the infected for her, and those legs that had guided her out of the gas station.
"You could've given me a gun…" Amy murmured after a few minutes, only a shadow of that confident, stubborn girl left that Joel had been talking to a moment ago.
"I told you, you're only allowed to use it when I know that you know how."
"And when is that gonna be?" she asked, pressing her right cheek against the cold glass to cool her hot temper. It was working to some extent, her senses slowly sharpening.
"Tonight, if you want."
"What?" she breathed and carefully tilted her head in his direction.
"If we make camp early and you do as I say for the rest of the ride, I'm gonna show you how to use a gun. I'm not promising anything 'cause I don't know how well you're gonna do, but I'm gonna show ya how to hold it. How to aim right."
Amy sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, blinking a few times. There were tears collecting on her waterline, which didn't make any sense at all given that Joel was just making her a peace offering, but she couldn't help feeling so incredibly worn down by all of this. Always having to come up with a quick-witted reply, staying tough in front of Joel, resenting herself for feeling safe in his presence, feeling ashamed when she had to admit to being comforted by his role as her protector.
It was all too much. Amy had no idea if he noticed any of her emotions and how she was holding back tears, but at least he didn't speak to her for the next few hours, which could mean many things.
Joel just drove in silence, and as far as Amy could tell, he didn't even toss her a quick look. Amy spent most of the time with her head turned away from him, cheek pressed against the cool surface of the window, and the rest of the time she dozed. Because of those quick shifts between being awake and being fast asleep, she had no sense of the time, so when Joel steered the car off the road without a word, Amy could only guess the hour by the height of the sun in the sky. Late afternoon, maybe early evening. Maybe he was really holding true to his promise to give her a shooting lesson. The day before, he had made camp later.
"You okay?" Joel grunted the second the engine cut off.
"Yes," Amy answered mechanically.
"Did you eat the glucose?"
"No."
The next thing she perceived was the click of his seatbelt.
"Get out. Ain't gonna help ya, sinkin' into self-pity."
Amy wanted to grab him by the arm and ask what the hell he meant by self-pity, but he was already out of the car, stomping through the tall grass toward the trunk where the two of them had stuffed their sleeping bags, camping stove and all sorts of other things.
Self-pity, she thought, scoffing to herself. Why would she feel pity for herself? It was quite the opposite, actually. If there was something bothering her it was the rage she felt toward herself, not pity.
"Are you gonna teach me now?" Amy called in his direction, trying to mask her irritation by putting an extra measure of coolness in her tone.
"Give me a minute, alright? Jesus… I'm gonna start the campfire, then I'm gonna teach ya. Just – stay put."
Amy jutted her jaw forward. Anything to conceal the rebellion in her chest.
Contains: canon typical violence, infected attack, age gap (Joel is in his early 50s, Amy is 24), strong language, hurt, comfort, angst, brief crying
Wordcount: 9,741
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel
Reaching for a fresh deodorant he had found in the top drawer underneath the sink, Joel nearly knocked over the soap with his elbow.
"Fuck," he cursed, quickly applied it under his arms and put it in his bag with a quiet sigh. The mirror was fogged, the air warm and steamy after the long shower he had taken, but he felt cleaner than he had in weeks, maybe even months.
Hair still damp, Joel grabbed his belongings and left the bathroom, only to nearly bump into Amy, who was just stuffing a few long-sleeved shirts into her bag. She had already taken a shower, her hair curling at the nape of her neck.
As she straightened up, startled by the sound of his footsteps, he caught a glimpse of her face, which looked a little different now that she was clean and fresh. Pretty, Joel thought, before internally shaking his head at such nonsense. Jesus Christ, this was a twenty-four-year-old woman. Barely even a woman, to be exact. Joel had been a father by the time she was born. He wasn't supposed to feel anything toward her except the hostility that was still deeply rooted in his bones. Most certainly no admiration for her beauty.
But as Amy gave him a gentle smile, Joel's stomach fluttered and he couldn't help but let his gaze roam up her neck, streaking over her lips and then the curve of her nose. Now that she had washed her hair and worn it down, her whole appearance was a little unfamiliar, which made him take in her face from a new angle.
Thick, long lashes framed her eyes, which were all soft and relaxed for once. Perhaps the private time in the bathroom, the opportunity to extensively scrub her body clean, had brightened her mood in exactly the same way it had his. The smile looked good on her face, Joel found.
He felt a light sting beneath his chest, which spread through his whole body a moment later. He should bury these thoughts in the darkest corner of his mind and never return to them. Amy was the last person he should ever take a second look at, let alone deem pretty. The next time a similar thought would cross his mind, he would shut it down at once and numb his brain, he promised himself as he shifted his gaze toward his own bag, which was still waiting for him to shove a few clothes inside.
"Are we gonna leave now?" she asked and pulled at the sleeves of her new shirt, covering her hands with the fabric.
"Soon. But first we're gonna go to the basement."
He led the way again, feeling Amy's presence closely behind him. The stairs creaked under their weight as though they hadn't been disturbed by humans in quite some time, which might well be the truth. As far as Joel was aware, Bill and Frank had been occupied with much more pressing matters than cleaning the guns stored down here. Such as caring for Frank's declining health.
"Wow…" Amy hummed as she took in the countless rifles and guns hanging on the walls, a sight that could have been straight out of an action thriller.
"That's insane. What did they need all that for?"
"Well, most of it is from before the outbreak. Back when Bill was rottin' away in his basement and assumed the fascist government was tryin' to control and spy on people." Joel turned around slowly, hands tucked in his pockets. "But I'd guess they had a lot to fight off over the years. There're always raiders who find this town and wonder why it's so well intact."
"Can I have one?" It took him a moment to comprehend what she was talking about.
"What, a gun?"
"Yeah."
Gaze drifting across the heavily loaded wall, he let out a slow breath, realizing she was probably right to want to carry a weapon as well. Joel was a man of control, someone who liked being in charge of as much as he could possibly supervise, and that included matters of safety. But Amy was an adult who definitely wasn't as capable as he or Tess had been, but he could teach her. And two armed people were better than one.
Reluctantly, Joel reached for a small gun, easy to handle and not too heavy to overwhelm her. There was a sour taste in his mouth as he handed it to her, furrowing his brow at her bright eyes.
"Have you ever carried a gun before?"
She nodded slowly. "Yeah. Of course."
"And have you shot one before?"
"Yes."
Joel didn't let go of the weapon yet, which made her raise her gaze, some of the excitement falling off her face.
"Tell me about it."
"It was just once… It's – It doesn't matter, does it? Why do you wanna know?"
"'Cause I wanna know how much you know about guns, you little brat."
Amy's lips puckered, her hand loosening its grip as she gently traced the handle. "Not a lot, I guess… You can start with the basics."
"Oh, thank you very much, princess. How very generous of you." Joel roughly yanked the gun away, grabbing a few other things that might be useful, such as ammunition, before heading upstairs again.
"What, am I not gonna get a gun?" Amy asked loudly and quickly followed him up to the ground floor.
"You will," Joel grunted, huffing in annoyance. "But do I look like I wanna get shot in the shoulder when you try to aim without knowing how? Ain't no way I'm lettin' you walk around with this before you know how to use it. I'm gonna teach ya. And if you do a good job, you're gonna carry it."
She looked up at him with wide eyes, teeth grating as she nodded. "Okay."
"Good," Joel uttered, surprised and quite frankly relieved that his earlier rules seemed to be sticking for once. At least she was accepting his instructions without talking back.
"How do you shoot with a rifle?" Amy asked while Joel stuffed a few last things into his backpack, throwing her a suspicious glance.
"Why, do you also wanna learn how to use a rifle? We should start with a handgun before we move to this heavy thing."
"I know… I know, I just – how did you learn it?"
Joel sighed, feeling no desire to give her extensive insight into his history and how he had come to own his first rifle.
"Experience. Time. And some luck. Now move. Have you packed everythin'?"
The two of them had already brought most of their things to the car, so all that was left were their bags, which Joel carelessly threw onto the backseat.
"Go on. Ain't nobody comin' to hold the door open for ya," he scoffed, walking around the car to get into the driver's seat. She released a soft breath, climbing into the vehicle, which made Joel realize something he hadn't considered before.
"S'your first time in a fuckin' car?"
"No. I've been in a car before. I just… can't remember it, you know?" Amy let her gaze wander curiously around the interior, from the wheel to the mirror and the windshield, ending at the gear shift.
"I would really like to learn how to drive."
"No fuckin' way," Joel stated, starting the car, which fortunately rolled on with no problems.
"Why not?"
"'Cause I spent weeks practicin' with my father, I drove around a lot and I had a driver's test. You think I'm just gonna let you drive without any of that? You think I wanna crash into a fuckin' tree?" Joel rolled his eyes, navigating the car through the abandoned town and then out through the gate.
"Alright. Fine. But you're gonna change your mind once you get tired and you have no one to take the wheel."
"Watch me…" Joel grunted, narrowed eyes fixed on the road ahead as he picked up speed.
Two hours later, Amy was sound asleep.
Once Joel noticed her steady breathing, he turned his attention to his surroundings and realized for the first time that it must have gotten late, the moon casting a silvery gleam across her face.
"Alright," he growled, but when she didn't stir, Joel waited until he had parked the car off to the left of the road in the forest and then shook her by the shoulder.
"Time to wake up."
"What?" Amy asked in confusion, darting around only to realize that she didn't know where she was. It seemed like she was still too sleepy to recognize the car either.
"I parked the car. S'time to get some rest for the night."
"Where are we? I swear to god, if you kidnapped me –"
"Kidnapped you?" Joel snorted, opening the driver's door. "Why would I kidnap you? What would I do with you, huh? I'm already gettin' you to the one person who's gonna give me anythin' I want in exchange for you. Now get out."
He left the car, waiting for Amy to do the same, then pointed to a small clearing that was beautifully lit by the moon.
"Same rules as last night. No loud noises, no talkin', no light, and we're gonna be fine."
"Aren't we gonna eat something first?"
"'Course we are. Why do you think we packed all that stuff?" Joel opened the back door and grabbed one of the large backpacks he had found in a closet in Bill's basement, filled with all sorts of canned goods such as beans, meat, whole meals.
Fifteen minutes later, after Joel had lit a small fire to cook some ready-made pasta, Amy chuckled softly, pulling the sweatshirt tighter around her shoulders.
"What?" Joel asked, unable to guess what was amusing her.
"I had a dream. During our drive."
"Congratulations." He didn't spare her a glance, determinedly staring at the little steaming pot.
"You don't wanna know what it was about?"
"No. I don't."
Silence settled over the scene until Amy cleared her throat and started talking regardless.
"Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. I dreamt that I was still inside the QZ. But there were no humans, just infected. Who could suddenly talk to me, so I was confused at first, but then I treated them like any other people."
Her mouth twisted as though she knew exactly that Joel couldn't have been less interested in her dreams. "What about you?"
"What about me?" he growled.
"Do you dream?"
"I dream every night."
Her eyes rolled, then followed his hands as he scooped some of the noodles into a bowl. "No, I mean how often can you remember?"
I wish I never remembered, was the thought that raced through his mind, but he just replied with a shrug.
"Sometimes. Occasionally."
"And do you –"
"Eat," Joel cut her off, expression stiff. His lids were heavy and his sore limbs were urging him to lie down after that long, draining day. No wonder Amy was in a talkative mood after her extensive nap.
He should be grateful, Joel thought, taking a spoonful of hot pasta. Every second he could spend without Amy's voice ringing in his ear was precious to him. Just like the day before, Joel told her to go to sleep as soon as the two of them were done with their meals.
"I'm not even tired yet," Amy hummed as she lay down, but Joel ignored it. Of course he wasn't either, but resting on his side, eyes open and mouth shut, was better than sitting here with her. Perhaps Amy would get ideas and assume that he was interested in a conversation.
He suppressed the urge to curse as he slipped into his sleeping bag, pulling it up all the way to his chin as if it would protect him from his own thoughts.
From this angle, he had the perfect view of the back of her head, her silky hair that looked so soft and light he believed a single breeze would make it flutter in the wind like leaves. He wished he could turn onto his other side and peer at the dark, slim stems of the trees instead, but in that case it would be his weak, nearly deaf ear listening for any approaching danger. Sure, Joel could ask Amy to switch sides, but he felt too worn-out to make the effort.
"Joel?"
He scoffed through his nose, closing his eyes the moment the woman shifted to face him. He couldn't look at her. Everything was too much; he felt overwhelmed and scared of the thoughts that might course through his mind at the sight of her. Joel was able to handle his mood during the day when he was focused on more important things such as driving or raiding Bill's home, but right now he didn't want to risk it. Especially not when Amy gave him those big, doe eyes that always made his bones go slack. What a good thing he was already lying down.
"What?" he barked.
"Are you cold?"
"No," he hissed, though he tucked his sweatshirt under his chin.
"Me neither."
"Then why are you askin' me, goddamnit. Go to sleep."
He didn't receive an answer, which made him cautiously open his left eye. Amy looked small, vulnerable beneath a pile of clothes. Just like the night before, she was wearing an extra layer to keep her warm, which was probably a good thing.
"I'm not tired," she almost apologetically whispered, meeting his gaze with a gentle smile playing at her lips. Shit. His heart was pounding in his chest, so he quickly forced himself to think of something else. The next day. The ten-hour drive in a stuffy car, the scarce meal that would await him in the morning, the horrible sun glaring through the windshield —
"How do you know Marlene?"
Well, at least that was a question he could answer with closed eyes and that would lead his thoughts elsewhere.
"My brother was with the Fireflies. S'how I met Marlene."
"Your brother was a Firefly?"
"I said he was with the Fireflies."
"Where's the difference?"
Joel sighed, chewing on his bottom lip. "Sleep."
For roughly five minutes, he believed there was a chance his travel companion was taking his words to heart at last, which was why he finally relaxed as well, doing his hardest to keep his mind from wandering off to her pretty hair, her beautiful hands, her gorgeous smile.
He knew how wrong it was, but he found that it wasn't that simple to banish certain feelings from his heart. He could distract himself by consciously concentrating on other things, but the more tired he became, the less control he had over his own mind. Which was why he always found himself dwelling on Amy's beauty.
When he turned onto his back, huffing out his frustration, he tried to change his angle on this. Yes, he found her pretty. Because she was. Objectively. And Joel was a man who liked pretty women, it was simple. He hadn't been with a woman in years, so it was only natural to have these thoughts. It didn't mean he had any intention of acting on them. Perhaps it was even healthier to accept that he felt attracted to Amy. These feelings would probably disappear on their own once he stopped trapping them and hiding them in the back of his mind. He might suffer for a few days, head swirling and his eyes lingering on her a little longer than was appropriate, but then they would fade on their own and he could live in peace.
Jesus, she was twenty-four. Could be his fuckin' kid.
Yeah, everything would be fine. No one, and especially not Amy, could read his mind and find out about his rotten brain. As long as he kept his desires to himself, they could inhabit his head for a while until this strange phase was over.
"Joel?"
Damn, he had assumed she had dozed off by now.
"What." It didn't even sound like a question, his voice laced with hostility.
"Are we safe here?"
"Didn't you ask the same fuckin' question yesterday?"
"Maybe," she admitted quietly.
"And did somethin' happen?"
"No."
"There ya go."
He turned onto his other side, thinking that he better trusted his gut over what he had told Amy instead of torturing himself by lying on his right side just so that his good ear was free. What he had said to her was the truth. There was no one out here, and even if there were, they wouldn't see the two of them in the dark.
"But there could be infected, right?"
"Yes," Joel grudgingly groaned. "Theoretically. But the chances are low."
"And… raiders."
"Yes," he whispered, and didn't soften his words this time. Not that he deemed it very likely to meet raiders out here in the middle of the woods, but claiming there were none would be a lie Joel wasn't comfortable telling her, despite all the trouble between them.
"Okay," Amy replied, but she couldn't fool him with her neutral, steady voice.
For the most part, Joel wished she would just go to sleep without bothering him again with more pointless questions, but there was also a part of him that understood her fear and pitied her genuinely. Of course she was scared. Was there any way around it? She was so young, so incapable of defending herself if it came down to it. Someone who had never been outside the QZ. Probably. At least, that was what Joel assumed about her past.
Sure, he was here to protect her, but Joel had to admit that it was a frightening thing to just close one's eyes, let oneself fall, and trust that nothing would happen to one's exposed and vulnerable body in the night.
Without saying anything, Joel sat up.
He didn't even know if Amy was still awake as he reached for his rifle, rubbing his swollen eyes with his knuckles. He was so tired he felt light-headed, craved sleep so much that it ate at him from within like an insatiable hunger.
And yet, Joel kicked off his sleeping bag a while later and rose to his feet.
He did it mostly so Amy would sleep at last without disturbing him with any more questions about their safety. And maybe because he felt for her, just a trifle. Just enough to make his eyes drift over her form, curled in a ball, while a quiet warmth spread through his lower belly.
Joel must have fallen asleep at around 5 a.m.
That was what he guessed, at least.
When he woke up the next morning, his lids still felt heavy, as though little stones were attached to the skin, pressing down onto his eyes with a relentless force that only vanished when he closed them. But to finally do that, he had to endure another day and pray that this time, Amy and he would find another place to sleep, one where she would feel safer than out here.
He was just brewing some coffee when his travel companion blinked awake, yawning and shifting on the ground.
"What time is it?" she breathed, rolling her head as though her body was still fighting off sleep. Surely this little brat was about to complain about being tired after he had spent a whole night on his feet just to make her feel a little safer and make sure nothing happened to her.
"8."
"You made coffee?"
His eyes narrowed slightly, traveling mistrustfully over the friendly look on her face.
"Yes?"
"Can I have some?"
"No fuckin' way."
Amy sat up, holding her head, which was probably spinning from the sudden motion. "Why not?"
"'Cause you're already a pain in my ass. No way I'm givin' you caffeine so you're gonna be even more annoyin'."
She folded her arms in front of her chest, greedily eyeing the steaming liquid that, Joel had to admit, emitted a delicious, nutty scent.
"Please. Otherwise I'm surely gonna fall asleep again."
"I don't care if you fall asleep. Actually, please do. S'gonna make all of this a lot easier for me if I don't have to listen to you talkin'."
With that, Joel closed the lid of the coffee pot, throwing her one last irritated glance, which Amy returned by jutting her chin out. God, she really did look beautiful in the morning, and that was despite the pronounced crease on her brow. When other people's skin was sallow, eyes hooded and hair standing out in all directions, Amy just looked… adorable. Sure, she wore dark circles underneath her eyes and looked a little drowsy herself, but somehow all of those little details only added to his feelings.
He quickly averted his gaze from her, hoping that his thoughts would disappear the moment his attention lay elsewhere, but of course nothing helped. Her features, her pretty pout were still stuck in his head like a song he couldn't get out of his mind. She was like a curse haunting him in two different ways, he realized, though both were very bad. Like problems he wished he could be rid of. She vexed the shit out of him, and every time he found peace for a single moment, it wasn't her obnoxious behavior burdening him but her appearance. It was unfair, really. It wasn't like she had done anything to deserve her looks, or the way she appeared to the outside world.
"Okay, just a sip," Amy stated. His head began throbbing, and he wished he could bury it beneath a pile of clothes just to drown out the noise. Or get another hour of sleep.
"What, are you addicted to coffee? You shouldn't be. Not at your age."
"At my age? What's that supposed to mean?" she indignantly spat.
"How long you been drinkin' coffee?" Joel asked suspiciously, but poured a little of the dark liquid into a cup. If there was one thing he had learned about addicts, it was that they became insufferable when they didn't get their fix. And since Amy was already intolerable, he didn't want to make it worse by dealing with her withdrawal symptoms all day.
"Since I was… 15, I think. And I'm not addicted. I just need it to wake up."
"That's the fuckin' definition of bein' addicted," Joel grunted.
"Then you're addicted too. We all are, it's just not an unhealthy addiction."
"This ain't about me." He handed her the cup roughly, the liquid nearly spilling over the rim. "Drink up. But you ain't gonna have this privilege every day, so enjoy it. No way I'm wastin' my coffee on a brat like you."
Amy savored the coffee silently and far more slowly than Joel would have liked.
"C'mon. We're leavin' in ten, so you better hurry up."
"So you grew up in Austin… How did you get to Boston?"
"None of your business," Joel barked, keeping his eyes glued to the road ahead of him. It was his new tactic to prevent his thoughts from wandering off to places they weren't supposed to be. Not looking at her. Avoiding her. He stood by his mantra to let his feelings in rather than forcefully packing them away, but he didn't have to provoke them by admiring her profile, beautifully lit by the rising sun.
"Really?" Amy scoffed, getting comfortable in her seat. "I'm starting to feel like you're the child here."
"I'm just not interested in sharing my history with you. And I'm not interested in learning about yours either."
Joel tightened his grip around the steering wheel, silently cursing at how his eyes flicked over to her every now and then. He had to get a grip on himself, goddamnit.
"Why? We're on a ten-hour drive and you just wanna sit here in silence? Jesus… Besides, I can promise you, you're gonna fall asleep if you don't talk."
Had Amy witnessed him keeping guard that night? The thought crossed his mind briefly, but watching her turn her head to look up at him with that victorious expression, he let the idea go.
"I'm not gonna fall asleep," Joel ground out through his clenched teeth, blinking against the bright sunlight warming his skin.
"You're saying that now. Come on. Just tell me a little something. Okay, I'm gonna give you a choice: either you're gonna talk, or I will."
"Talk about what?" Joel asked, not feeling particularly enthusiastic about either option, but he feared that if he ignored her, Amy would simply start talking his ear off without his permission.
"About our lives after the outbreak."
He had to suppress a chuckle, which quickly turned into a sour taste on his tongue. She was talking about the outbreak like it had been a groundbreaking shift in her life, even though she barely knew what the world had been like before that day twenty years ago.
At the same time, though, it made him aware of their massive age gap once more. He had lived a whole life, had gone through all possible stages before the outbreak, while Amy had been four goddamn years old. Younger than his daughter. The fact that he had ever glanced at her and felt drawn to her pretty face was downright disgusting. He was supposed to view her as a child, not a beautiful, attractive woman. But then again, she was that. It was a pretty accurate description of her, and no matter how hard Joel tried, he wasn't capable of bringing himself to see her as that.
"C'mon. You choose," Amy demanded again, challengingly drawing her eyebrows up.
"Fine… I'll tell ya." He chose that way first and foremost because if she started speaking, he might be more tempted to peer at her from the corner of his eye. That way, he could just stare ahead and ignore her presence, acting like he was talking to himself.
"My brother 'n' I –"
"The one we're traveling to?"
"Yes, goddamnit," Joel rumbled, exhaling in annoyance. "You asked me and now you're cuttin' me off after the first fuckin' word."
"Sorry." Amy leaned back, or at least that was what he could sense happening beside him.
"Anyways. We traveled east. Just 'cause it was horrible in Austin and we thought it must be better somewhere else. The first years after the outbreak were a mess. Everyone was just movin' around, tryna get somewhere better only to realize that it was shitty everywhere. Then the QZs came and many people went back."
"You and Tommy too?"
"No," he stated, lips a thin line. "We traveled further northeast, just tryin' to survive. We met – Tess. On the way. And some others. Just made our way around the country… lived day to day and then ended up in Boston. That was six years ago."
Amy let out a quiet breath. "Six years? You spent six years in the Boston QZ? Wow, no wonder you're so fucking grumpy."
Joel chose not to reply to that, just rolled his eyes. "I wasn't there all the time. Tommy 'n' I, we started smugglin' stuff in and out of the city. Traded with people, mostly desperate FEDRA soldiers, and had our little business runnin'."
"And why did Tommy leave? Did he have enough of you 'cause you suck?" She chuckled quietly, twisting her fingers together on her stomach.
"You think you're increasin' your chances of me tellin' you anythin' else about my past by bein' a fuckin' brat? Do you ever use your brain and figure out when to talk and when to shut your goddamn mouth? Mostly the second one, of course." Joel's jaw tightened, gritting his teeth so firmly he thought he might crack a tooth.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Go on."
Although he didn't feel like being told by Amy of all people to speak, just like he didn't want her ordering him to do anything, he did. Without being certain why he even bothered and didn't just keep silent, hoping she would soon fall asleep.
"He joined the fuckin' Fireflies."
"Oh right… You mentioned that. That's how you met Marlene."
"Correct," Joel muttered, chewing on his bottom lip as the memories bubbled to the surface.
"So he ditched you for the Fireflies? Or how am I supposed to picture that?"
"You're not supposed to picture anythin'…" Joel growled, but then took a deep breath. "He joined 'em. 'Cause he's an optimistic dreamer who thought he could make the world a better place. And I didn't 'cause I see those idiots for what they are."
"If you wanna gossip about the Fireflies, you've come to the wrong person. You know that, don't you?"
Joel narrowed his eyes slightly, casting her a quick look. "Why? 'Cause they wanna cut your arm open and steal your blood to do something that won't work? Are you sayin' you're grateful for that?"
"How do you know it won't work?" Amy asked, sounding more serious than she had in many hours.
"'Cause I've heard those tales before, kiddo," he explained, using the nickname on purpose to reestablish himself as someone with a lot more life experience and knowledge than her. "I've heard people talk about the genius vaccine that's gonna save us all, and we just gotta wait a few months while FEDRA develops it and hands it out. I don't care if they just didn't work or if those motherfuckers didn't hand out the vaccines 'cause they wanna continue oppressin' their people, but it doesn't matter. I haven't seen it yet. And we never will."
Joel paused, letting the gravity of his words sink in while Amy brought her thumb to her teeth, nibbling softly.
"It's not FEDRA, though. It's the Fireflies."
"Oh, and you think they can perform magic tricks just 'cause they're not fascists? There's no vaccine, kiddo. They can cut your arm open all they want, take your blood and do god knows what, but it ain't gonna work."
"How can you be so certain? You have no idea what –" Joel let out a long breath, shaking his head slowly.
"'Cause it's happened too many times. People gettin' their hopes up 'cause they thought some savior was about to come. I learned my lesson. Which is why I don't believe in this shit anymore."
"So you once had hope," Amy whispered.
Joel waited, expecting her to add something to that, but she didn't. And Joel didn't feel like it either.
Amy
When the sun hit the edge of her seat, Amy started counting the power poles by the road.
When it climbed so high in the sky that it burned directly onto her thighs, she moved on to the road signs, figuring it would take longer until that activity bored her too. But when, after an hour or two, she grew tired of observing the bleak landscape as well, her gaze landed on Joel instead.
"Joel?"
She liked saying his name. There was something grounding about the sound, how she could stretch the vowels or clip it short, depending on what she felt like at that moment.
"What?" he said without shifting his gaze to her.
That, she didn't like. Of course, Amy understood that he had to keep an eye on the road and make sure he wasn't driving into one of those power poles she had so intently watched that morning, but she secretly wished he would let his gaze wander to her more often. Not just because she liked looking at more of his face than just his profile, but also because Amy guessed she simply enjoyed having his undivided attention.
"What?" he repeated, hissing the word out like it was a disease.
"Can we stop for a moment? I have to pee."
"Oh, the 'lil princess has to pee again," he snarled, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel in irritation.
She bit her bottom lip to hold back a smile, and for a moment she felt relieved that Joel had his eyes on the road. Otherwise, he might have noticed the faint warm shudder that rippled down her spine whenever he called her that. Amy definitely preferred that nickname over kiddo. Princess made her feel… special.
She wasn't an idiot and was well aware that Joel used it in a sarcastic, almost mocking way, but the effect was the same. Just the sound alone, the way his lips twisted every time he was about to pour it over her like warm honey… Jesus, maybe she really had stared at that man a little too long today, Amy thought, feeling warmth creep up her face.
Hopefully she would come up with other distractions tomorrow and spend her time doing things that wouldn't require focusing on Joel so much. It was just hard not to let her gaze drift to him at times, especially when he called her princess.
"It won't take long, I promise," Amy said and looked out of the window, searching for an abandoned gas station or repair shop.
"Wasn't I the one who told you not to drink so much?"
"Do you want me to die of fuckin' thirst?" she shot back, impatiently throwing her hands up.
"No, but I told you to drink a lot at once so you don't have to pee so often. You've been sippin' on that water bottle for hours without a fuckin' break. Not surprised you gotta pee so often…"
Despite his complaints, Joel pulled off at the next gas station, parking next to the small building and climbing out after grabbing his gun.
"I really don't think this is necessary," Amy muttered and slammed the door shut behind her.
When they had stopped for her first pee break, Joel had insisted on standing outside the bathroom, armed with his gun like a guard dog. Of course she had found it ridiculous back then too, but she couldn't deny the effect his protectiveness had on her. It was the same when she had noticed Joel keeping watch the night before.
His reasons for doing it were utterly insignificant, but feeling taken care of, protected by a man as capable of violence as Joel, made her stomach flutter and sometimes even her lips curve, even though she tried to hide it from him whenever that happened. The stomach fluttering, at least, he couldn't see.
So when Amy complained about his thorough safety measures, she only meant it to some extent. Mostly, she felt flustered, delighted and shy about Joel following her inside, standing so close to the door that she could nearly hear his breathing.
No one had ever cared for her in such a way, and it didn't even matter that he did it solely for the reward Marlene had promised him. She was a broken woman, and had once been a scared little child who had never received the love, shelter and warmth she would have needed after her parents died so early. So it was no surprise that she soaked up Joel's feeble gestures like a dry sponge, no matter how coldly he delivered them. Protection was protection.
"It is," Joel barked, resembling that dog now more than ever. "C'mon. You said you were gonna do it quickly. I wanna drive a few more hours before we make camp."
Joel practically pushed her inside, even holding the door open while Amy slipped under his arm.
"How am I supposed to relieve myself with you lurking around like a fuckin' shadow?" she complained before Joel closed the door with a rough bang.
"You're supposed to pee. Not write down the theory of relativity."
"Joel?" Amy asked, absent-mindedly tracing her finger over the window beside her.
"What?" he barked, casting her a brief glance. "Don't do that. You're gonna get the window dirty. Then I can't see, and I'm gonna crash the fucking car."
"How am I gonna get the window dirty?" she sneered and examined her own fingertip as if looking for the filth he was talking about.
"Just – don't. What's your question?"
"I was wondering if you could tell me more about your brother. How are we gonna find him? Do you know where exactly he lives?"
"I know that he's in Wyoming."
"That's it?" Amy asked, tilting her eyebrows upward.
"No, you little brat. Would you mind letting me finish? I know roughly where he is."
Of course, he had no fucking clue. Great. So she wouldn't just have to endure his horrible temper for the next few weeks — she would also have to wander around Wyoming looking for a man who had left no traces whatsoever. How big was Wyoming even? What did it look like? Was it cold up there? And should she ask Joel these questions or would he taunt her?
"So you have no idea, asshole," Amy said, sounding a lot bolder than she felt.
"What's wrong with you?" Joel hissed, his grip tightening around the steering wheel. Good. At least her words had gotten a reaction out of him. "I know where he is. I'm gonna find him 'cause there ain't no other option."
"And what about me?" Damn, she hadn't meant for it to sound so pathetic, so needy. But after ten hours in this car with nothing to do but stare out of the window, Amy was stuck with her own thoughts and slowly started losing her mind. Her future was more uncertain than it had ever felt before, and all she wanted was to know what was going to happen to her, whether Joel was just as uninformed about where he was going to drop her off as he was about finding his brother, his own flesh and blood.
What if he didn't know anything at all and she ended up on the side of an abandoned road? Amy could already see it clearly in her mind, Joel's triumphant scoff, his features relaxed for once in his life as he left her in the dust. But then again, he wanted that reward Marlene had promised him, right? Goddamnit, she had no idea, but she wanted a little stability. That was all.
"What about you?" Joel snapped, causing her to chew on her bottom lip.
"What – where are we gonna find the Fireflies? What if they're gone? And – I mean, after we find your brother – if we find him – is he… will he come with us?"
"You got a whole lotta questions, kiddo…" Joel groaned, grinding his teeth.
"What do you expect? You think I'm gonna be satisfied driving around with some old grump like you?"
"You can be glad you're drivin' around with me, brat. Others would've killed you already. Would've sold your fuckin' organs for a bit of food."
"But then you wouldn't get Marlene's reward."
Yeah, that worked. Maybe Amy should feel a little more confident about the fact that Joel needed her as much as she needed him. Okay, maybe not just as much, but if something happened to her, he had no purpose going west. Except for his brother, of course.
"Don't worry about that… I'm gonna get Marlene her little prize. And I bet your ass you can't imagine how badly I wish we were there already…"
"Oh, believe me, I can," Amy muttered and rested her chin on her knee, which she hadn't done before. She had thought Joel might not appreciate seeing her put her shoe on the leather seat. Whatever. If he acted like an asshole, he didn't get to be mad at her for disrespecting his rules.
When Joel and Amy stopped at another gas station an hour later, she had to bite her tongue to stop herself from making a snarky comment. Something like I told you not to drink so much at once was on the tip of her tongue, but she didn't say it, thinking that the fact that the two of them hadn't torn into each other during the past few minutes was a win.
"C'mon. Get out of the car," Joel commanded after pulling to a stop, making her sigh in annoyance.
"I can wait in here."
"No, you won't. I'm not gonna say it twice."
Shoulders dropping in defeat, Amy unfastened her seat belt and climbed out of the car, doing so begrudgingly enough that she hoped he felt it.
"Can you stop huffing like a fucking steam locomotive?" Joel grunted on their way inside.
"Oh, excuse me. Now I'm breathing too loudly? What else? You want me to walk differently?"
The store was just as run-down and grimy as the previous station. Some of the food and other merchandise had been knocked off the shelves and was scattered all over the floor. Amy kicked a can aside as she followed Joel toward the bathroom, provoking him to dart a look at her from the corner of his eye, though he restrained himself from commenting.
"You wait here. I swear to god, don't move around, don't do anything stupid. Don't search the store. Just stay by the door. Am I clear?"
"Yes," she said sharply, barely able to stop herself from saluting.
"Alright."
He gave her one last quick, suspicious look before pushing through the bathroom door, rifle in his hand. Amy almost wanted to laugh. What kind of danger was he expecting to lurk inside a bathroom except for mildew on the ceiling and some rusty pipes. Well, whatever made Joel feel safe.
She whistled through her pursed lips, taking in the store more carefully. All those cans and packages spread across the floor…
Why hadn't Joel told her to take a look around and find them some useful snacks for the drive? It would be in both their best interests, right? Maybe that was just what he needed, Amy thought, grinning to herself. A few snacks, a chocolate bar or a handful of salted almonds. Would he consider it a peace offering if she handed him one, or would he be mad at her for ignoring his rules?
In the end, she was too curious to just stand by the door, which was why she started to wander through the shop. It turned out to be a lot larger than she had initially thought. There was another large room connected to this one, with even more magazine stands and empty refrigerated shelves. The latter were obviously not intact anymore, though Amy still took pleasure in finding out what had once been stored in there. The magazines caught her interest as well. Perhaps she could take a stack of them to keep herself entertained during the drive, so she wouldn't have to force conversation with Joel.
Screw him for telling her to wait by the door… If she had obeyed, she wouldn't have found any of this, and would probably bore herself to death after more endless hours of sitting next to him in the car with nothing but the movement of the sun to hold her attention.
Suddenly, she paused. There had been a noise, right? She was just about to call Joel's name, already readying herself to explain what she was doing at the back of the shop, when it happened again.
No, that wasn't Joel…
Amy's brow furrowed, her feet quietly carrying her toward the source of the sound. She passed the checkout counter, the rack with the postcards - she froze.
Without even seeing what was inside the room behind the door that stood just a crack open, she knew at once. The quiet groan that was almost a yelp.
"Oh fuck me," she whispered, feeling so startled by the sudden appearance of the infected that she had yet to move.
Jesus, she should run in the opposite direction, find Joel and get the hell out of here, but something drew her closer to the door. It was dark in there, which was why she couldn't quite make out the creature, but a thin strip of light illuminated its right cheekbone.
This was it… Her worst enemy, which had simultaneously given her her superpower. Amy despised the term, but Marlene had sometimes called her immunity that, which had made her feel like a small child who couldn't understand what any of this was about without that kind of language.
She took another step forward, her hand hovering an inch from the door. She just couldn't stop. The sight was fascinating, the yellow eyes sending a shudder brushing against the back of her neck, her hair standing on end. It was excitement and fear in equal measure, but above all she felt that the thrill of it had an addictive effect on her.
Shit. She had taken another careful step forward without knowing why, and suddenly the creature stirred. At first it was just its face twisting, the milky pupils, which didn't look so milky and distant now, settling on her.
"Shit," she breathed, stepping back slowly. No, no, no, she hadn't been prepared for this. Was she supposed to run or sneak away, hoping the infected wouldn't find her? Joel had said something about Clickers not being able to see. Was this a Clicker? How could she tell if it — The infected lurched forward abruptly, jerking as though possessed by some demonic force, and crawled toward her.
"Oh fuck," Amy gasped, jumping backward and kicking out wildly, when something, or rather someone, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her back.
Joel.
She had never felt so relieved to catch the leather scent that seemed to cling to him like a second skin.
He pulled her behind his massive frame, shielding her from the infected, and fired a few shots at it. Amy couldn't see any blood, but she could only imagine it was an ugly sight. The smell of gunpowder spread rapidly through the air, and suddenly the only sound she could hear was her own heavy panting, whereas the room had just felt so loud and chaotic.
Joel yanked her along without a word. He didn't even allow her a glimpse of the scene, deliberately walking to her left so that his body blocked the view. And Amy let him guide her without question or protest, her head swimming and her fingertips prickling as the adrenaline gradually began to ebb.
She felt stable at his side for once, as though she could let all her emotions run free, allow herself to be afraid, sad, or overwhelmed, because Joel was there to protect her. And there was something incredibly grounding about his solid presence.
By the time they reached the door that led outside, she was trembling, which prompted Joel to place a hand on her back. It was a wise move. Why did she feel so weak in the knees all of a sudden? Was she going to faint? Her breathing came out shallow, her chest rising faster than usual as her body worked to fill her lungs with oxygen that seemed to nourish them but not yet her brain.
Joel directed her back to the car, but instead of walking around to the passenger side, he opened the driver's door and helped Amy onto his seat. Her vision was still a little blurry, and she twisted her trembling hands together to hide her body's struggle, but the fact that she could stretch out her legs and didn't have to support her own weight anymore made her racing heart begin to slow.
"Eat this." Joel's deep voice cut through the fog in her head, making Amy's eyes flicker toward him. He was standing in front of her, one hand on the hood, the other holding a small package.
"What… what is that?" she breathed, unnerved by the thinness of her own voice.
"Glucose. You know what that is?"
She shook her head but allowed Joel to place the item in her open palm.
"Well, it's some sort of sugar. I don't know exactly, but it's gonna help ya."
Amy swallowed hard, then tried to rip the plastic open. Unsuccessfully, of course. Her trembling fingers slipped immediately, which made her exhale in frustration.
"C'mon. Give it to me."
She obeyed, though she couldn't deny feeling a little helpless, sulky, even, for not being able to do it herself. At the same time, she was taken aback by his sudden show of kindness, something Amy hadn't known him to be capable of.
"What is that… Why am I feeling –"
Joel handed her the white tablet, which almost looked like compressed flour.
"Adrenaline. Something about… blood sugar. The point is, you had a lot of energy from the shock, and now that energy is leaving your body all at once, so you're feeling extra weak. Eat it. Why would I poison ya? I would've gotten rid of you already if I wanted to."
Amy paused for a moment, looking at the tiny tablet that was supposed to save her from her own body betraying her. Then she put it in her mouth, chewed gently, and tasted sweetness on her tongue a moment later.
"How long until it kicks in?" Amy asked, glancing up at Joel, who was still watching her as though afraid she might drop dead the moment he looked away. A tremor unfurled along her spine, warm and pleasant, like the graze of a soft feather drawn slowly across her back with the sole purpose of making her feel good. Maybe it was just the angle, but from this perspective Joel's eyes seemed a little kinder than usual. Well, maybe it was just the lighting, but right now they appeared to lack the darkness that usually shone through his irises.
"Not long. Just give it a few minutes," he replied, but Amy barely listened.
Heat rose in her cheeks as she reflected on the thoughts coursing through her mind. Goddamnit. She had come this close to getting ripped apart by an infected, then almost collapsed, and she was thinking about Joel being nice to her for once? About how she felt safe with him and how that fact had somehow gotten through to her? She must have gone insane. Maybe she had just hit her head, couldn't remember it, and that was why she had paid such close attention to the color of his eyes.
"Amy."
Her head shot up, her blown pupils tracking the wrinkles on his brow.
"I asked you if we can keep driving."
"Yes. Yes, of course," she stammered, avoiding his eyes as she rose somewhat unsteadily to her feet.
"Good. Get in then. If you need more sugar, tell me. I got some in my bag."
Finally, Amy regained her ability to think and found her voice again.
"You've been storing those in your bag and didn't think to mention it?"
"Why would I have told you?"
Since Amy had no real response to that, she just shrugged and climbed back into her seat, releasing a deep breath and letting her head fall backwards.
She enjoyed exactly five minutes of that while Joel pulled the car back onto the road before he opened his mouth again and let his shrewd eyes wander across her pale face.
"Well, I ain't gotta tell ya why that was bad, right?"
Amy remained silent, feeling both deflated and furious all at once. God, she was supposed to feel grateful, but for some strange reason she couldn't find that emotion anywhere in her swirling mind right now. At least not on the surface.
"Amy."
Her head turned at the sound of her name slipping past his lips, but she still said nothing.
"I told you to stay by the door. Exactly 'cause of situations like this. And if I recall correctly, I told you a day ago that I was only gonna take you with me if you did what I told you when I told you. You disobeyed me and look where it got ya."
The blood beneath her skin was burning, the world around her tilting. Amy felt strange and unsteady again, though she had been better just a moment ago.
"Yes, and if you had let me stay in the car, none of this shit would have happened!" She detested how emotional, how rattled she sounded, but her feelings were getting the better of her and she was fully at their mercy. All she could do was watch the show as though she were an observer from the outside.
"If you had stayed in the car, worse things could have happened! Do you ever think that I might know what's best for you? That I have a little more life experience than you? Just 'cause you happen to have a big mouth doesn't mean everything coming out of it is good or smart. In fact, most of it is bullshit. You think you're safe in the car? You think you're safe when there's another car passing by with someone inside who sees a young, helpless girl who's unarmed? Someone who might not have good intentions?"
Amy's head began to throb. God, she didn't think she had ever heard Joel talk so much all at once. Why was she even so angry? Why did she feel like she would spit fire if she parted her lips? Why did she want to hit Joel on the arm and maybe kick him in the shin? Those arms that had just killed the infected for her, and those legs that had guided her out of the gas station.
"You could've given me a gun…" Amy murmured after a few minutes, only a shadow of that confident, stubborn girl left that Joel had been talking to a moment ago.
"I told you, you're only allowed to use it when I know that you know how."
"And when is that gonna be?" she asked, pressing her right cheek against the cold glass to cool her hot temper. It was working to some extent, her senses slowly sharpening.
"Tonight, if you want."
"What?" she breathed and carefully tilted her head in his direction.
"If we make camp early and you do as I say for the rest of the ride, I'm gonna show you how to use a gun. I'm not promising anything 'cause I don't know how well you're gonna do, but I'm gonna show ya how to hold it. How to aim right."
Amy sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, blinking a few times. There were tears collecting on her waterline, which didn't make any sense at all given that Joel was just making her a peace offering, but she couldn't help feeling so incredibly worn down by all of this. Always having to come up with a quick-witted reply, staying tough in front of Joel, resenting herself for feeling safe in his presence, feeling ashamed when she had to admit to being comforted by his role as her protector.
It was all too much. Amy had no idea if he noticed any of her emotions and how she was holding back tears, but at least he didn't speak to her for the next few hours, which could mean many things.
Joel just drove in silence, and as far as Amy could tell, he didn't even toss her a quick look. Amy spent most of the time with her head turned away from him, cheek pressed against the cool surface of the window, and the rest of the time she dozed. Because of those quick shifts between being awake and being fast asleep, she had no sense of the time, so when Joel steered the car off the road without a word, Amy could only guess the hour by the height of the sun in the sky. Late afternoon, maybe early evening. Maybe he was really holding true to his promise to give her a shooting lesson. The day before, he had made camp later.
"You okay?" Joel grunted the second the engine cut off.
"Yes," Amy answered mechanically.
"Did you eat the glucose?"
"No."
The next thing she perceived was the click of his seatbelt.
"Get out. Ain't gonna help ya, sinkin' into self-pity."
Amy wanted to grab him by the arm and ask what the hell he meant by self-pity, but he was already out of the car, stomping through the tall grass toward the trunk where the two of them had stuffed their sleeping bags, camping stove and all sorts of other things.
Self-pity, she thought, scoffing to herself. Why would she feel pity for herself? It was quite the opposite, actually. If there was something bothering her it was the rage she felt toward herself, not pity.
"Are you gonna teach me now?" Amy called in his direction, trying to mask her irritation by putting an extra measure of coolness in her tone.
"Give me a minute, alright? Jesus… I'm gonna start the campfire, then I'm gonna teach ya. Just – stay put."
Amy jutted her jaw forward. Anything to conceal the rebellion in her chest.
Contains: canon typical violence, infected attack, age gap (Joel is in his early 50s, Amy is 24), strong language, hurt, comfort, angst, brief crying
Wordcount: 9,741
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel
Reaching for a fresh deodorant he had found in the top drawer underneath the sink, Joel nearly knocked over the soap with his elbow.
"Fuck," he cursed, quickly applied it under his arms and put it in his bag with a quiet sigh. The mirror was fogged, the air warm and steamy after the long shower he had taken, but he felt cleaner than he had in weeks, maybe even months.
Hair still damp, Joel grabbed his belongings and left the bathroom, only to nearly bump into Amy, who was just stuffing a few long-sleeved shirts into her bag. She had already taken a shower, her hair curling at the nape of her neck.
As she straightened up, startled by the sound of his footsteps, he caught a glimpse of her face, which looked a little different now that she was clean and fresh. Pretty, Joel thought, before internally shaking his head at such nonsense. Jesus Christ, this was a twenty-four-year-old woman. Barely even a woman, to be exact. Joel had been a father by the time she was born. He wasn't supposed to feel anything toward her except the hostility that was still deeply rooted in his bones. Most certainly no admiration for her beauty.
But as Amy gave him a gentle smile, Joel's stomach fluttered and he couldn't help but let his gaze roam up her neck, streaking over her lips and then the curve of her nose. Now that she had washed her hair and worn it down, her whole appearance was a little unfamiliar, which made him take in her face from a new angle.
Thick, long lashes framed her eyes, which were all soft and relaxed for once. Perhaps the private time in the bathroom, the opportunity to extensively scrub her body clean, had brightened her mood in exactly the same way it had his. The smile looked good on her face, Joel found.
He felt a light sting beneath his chest, which spread through his whole body a moment later. He should bury these thoughts in the darkest corner of his mind and never return to them. Amy was the last person he should ever take a second look at, let alone deem pretty. The next time a similar thought would cross his mind, he would shut it down at once and numb his brain, he promised himself as he shifted his gaze toward his own bag, which was still waiting for him to shove a few clothes inside.
"Are we gonna leave now?" she asked and pulled at the sleeves of her new shirt, covering her hands with the fabric.
"Soon. But first we're gonna go to the basement."
He led the way again, feeling Amy's presence closely behind him. The stairs creaked under their weight as though they hadn't been disturbed by humans in quite some time, which might well be the truth. As far as Joel was aware, Bill and Frank had been occupied with much more pressing matters than cleaning the guns stored down here. Such as caring for Frank's declining health.
"Wow…" Amy hummed as she took in the countless rifles and guns hanging on the walls, a sight that could have been straight out of an action thriller.
"That's insane. What did they need all that for?"
"Well, most of it is from before the outbreak. Back when Bill was rottin' away in his basement and assumed the fascist government was tryin' to control and spy on people." Joel turned around slowly, hands tucked in his pockets. "But I'd guess they had a lot to fight off over the years. There're always raiders who find this town and wonder why it's so well intact."
"Can I have one?" It took him a moment to comprehend what she was talking about.
"What, a gun?"
"Yeah."
Gaze drifting across the heavily loaded wall, he let out a slow breath, realizing she was probably right to want to carry a weapon as well. Joel was a man of control, someone who liked being in charge of as much as he could possibly supervise, and that included matters of safety. But Amy was an adult who definitely wasn't as capable as he or Tess had been, but he could teach her. And two armed people were better than one.
Reluctantly, Joel reached for a small gun, easy to handle and not too heavy to overwhelm her. There was a sour taste in his mouth as he handed it to her, furrowing his brow at her bright eyes.
"Have you ever carried a gun before?"
She nodded slowly. "Yeah. Of course."
"And have you shot one before?"
"Yes."
Joel didn't let go of the weapon yet, which made her raise her gaze, some of the excitement falling off her face.
"Tell me about it."
"It was just once… It's – It doesn't matter, does it? Why do you wanna know?"
"'Cause I wanna know how much you know about guns, you little brat."
Amy's lips puckered, her hand loosening its grip as she gently traced the handle. "Not a lot, I guess… You can start with the basics."
"Oh, thank you very much, princess. How very generous of you." Joel roughly yanked the gun away, grabbing a few other things that might be useful, such as ammunition, before heading upstairs again.
"What, am I not gonna get a gun?" Amy asked loudly and quickly followed him up to the ground floor.
"You will," Joel grunted, huffing in annoyance. "But do I look like I wanna get shot in the shoulder when you try to aim without knowing how? Ain't no way I'm lettin' you walk around with this before you know how to use it. I'm gonna teach ya. And if you do a good job, you're gonna carry it."
She looked up at him with wide eyes, teeth grating as she nodded. "Okay."
"Good," Joel uttered, surprised and quite frankly relieved that his earlier rules seemed to be sticking for once. At least she was accepting his instructions without talking back.
"How do you shoot with a rifle?" Amy asked while Joel stuffed a few last things into his backpack, throwing her a suspicious glance.
"Why, do you also wanna learn how to use a rifle? We should start with a handgun before we move to this heavy thing."
"I know… I know, I just – how did you learn it?"
Joel sighed, feeling no desire to give her extensive insight into his history and how he had come to own his first rifle.
"Experience. Time. And some luck. Now move. Have you packed everythin'?"
The two of them had already brought most of their things to the car, so all that was left were their bags, which Joel carelessly threw onto the backseat.
"Go on. Ain't nobody comin' to hold the door open for ya," he scoffed, walking around the car to get into the driver's seat. She released a soft breath, climbing into the vehicle, which made Joel realize something he hadn't considered before.
"S'your first time in a fuckin' car?"
"No. I've been in a car before. I just… can't remember it, you know?" Amy let her gaze wander curiously around the interior, from the wheel to the mirror and the windshield, ending at the gear shift.
"I would really like to learn how to drive."
"No fuckin' way," Joel stated, starting the car, which fortunately rolled on with no problems.
"Why not?"
"'Cause I spent weeks practicin' with my father, I drove around a lot and I had a driver's test. You think I'm just gonna let you drive without any of that? You think I wanna crash into a fuckin' tree?" Joel rolled his eyes, navigating the car through the abandoned town and then out through the gate.
"Alright. Fine. But you're gonna change your mind once you get tired and you have no one to take the wheel."
"Watch me…" Joel grunted, narrowed eyes fixed on the road ahead as he picked up speed.
Two hours later, Amy was sound asleep.
Once Joel noticed her steady breathing, he turned his attention to his surroundings and realized for the first time that it must have gotten late, the moon casting a silvery gleam across her face.
"Alright," he growled, but when she didn't stir, Joel waited until he had parked the car off to the left of the road in the forest and then shook her by the shoulder.
"Time to wake up."
"What?" Amy asked in confusion, darting around only to realize that she didn't know where she was. It seemed like she was still too sleepy to recognize the car either.
"I parked the car. S'time to get some rest for the night."
"Where are we? I swear to god, if you kidnapped me –"
"Kidnapped you?" Joel snorted, opening the driver's door. "Why would I kidnap you? What would I do with you, huh? I'm already gettin' you to the one person who's gonna give me anythin' I want in exchange for you. Now get out."
He left the car, waiting for Amy to do the same, then pointed to a small clearing that was beautifully lit by the moon.
"Same rules as last night. No loud noises, no talkin', no light, and we're gonna be fine."
"Aren't we gonna eat something first?"
"'Course we are. Why do you think we packed all that stuff?" Joel opened the back door and grabbed one of the large backpacks he had found in a closet in Bill's basement, filled with all sorts of canned goods such as beans, meat, whole meals.
Fifteen minutes later, after Joel had lit a small fire to cook some ready-made pasta, Amy chuckled softly, pulling the sweatshirt tighter around her shoulders.
"What?" Joel asked, unable to guess what was amusing her.
"I had a dream. During our drive."
"Congratulations." He didn't spare her a glance, determinedly staring at the little steaming pot.
"You don't wanna know what it was about?"
"No. I don't."
Silence settled over the scene until Amy cleared her throat and started talking regardless.
"Well, I'm gonna tell you anyway. I dreamt that I was still inside the QZ. But there were no humans, just infected. Who could suddenly talk to me, so I was confused at first, but then I treated them like any other people."
Her mouth twisted as though she knew exactly that Joel couldn't have been less interested in her dreams. "What about you?"
"What about me?" he growled.
"Do you dream?"
"I dream every night."
Her eyes rolled, then followed his hands as he scooped some of the noodles into a bowl. "No, I mean how often can you remember?"
I wish I never remembered, was the thought that raced through his mind, but he just replied with a shrug.
"Sometimes. Occasionally."
"And do you –"
"Eat," Joel cut her off, expression stiff. His lids were heavy and his sore limbs were urging him to lie down after that long, draining day. No wonder Amy was in a talkative mood after her extensive nap.
He should be grateful, Joel thought, taking a spoonful of hot pasta. Every second he could spend without Amy's voice ringing in his ear was precious to him. Just like the day before, Joel told her to go to sleep as soon as the two of them were done with their meals.
"I'm not even tired yet," Amy hummed as she lay down, but Joel ignored it. Of course he wasn't either, but resting on his side, eyes open and mouth shut, was better than sitting here with her. Perhaps Amy would get ideas and assume that he was interested in a conversation.
He suppressed the urge to curse as he slipped into his sleeping bag, pulling it up all the way to his chin as if it would protect him from his own thoughts.
From this angle, he had the perfect view of the back of her head, her silky hair that looked so soft and light he believed a single breeze would make it flutter in the wind like leaves. He wished he could turn onto his other side and peer at the dark, slim stems of the trees instead, but in that case it would be his weak, nearly deaf ear listening for any approaching danger. Sure, Joel could ask Amy to switch sides, but he felt too worn-out to make the effort.
"Joel?"
He scoffed through his nose, closing his eyes the moment the woman shifted to face him. He couldn't look at her. Everything was too much; he felt overwhelmed and scared of the thoughts that might course through his mind at the sight of her. Joel was able to handle his mood during the day when he was focused on more important things such as driving or raiding Bill's home, but right now he didn't want to risk it. Especially not when Amy gave him those big, doe eyes that always made his bones go slack. What a good thing he was already lying down.
"What?" he barked.
"Are you cold?"
"No," he hissed, though he tucked his sweatshirt under his chin.
"Me neither."
"Then why are you askin' me, goddamnit. Go to sleep."
He didn't receive an answer, which made him cautiously open his left eye. Amy looked small, vulnerable beneath a pile of clothes. Just like the night before, she was wearing an extra layer to keep her warm, which was probably a good thing.
"I'm not tired," she almost apologetically whispered, meeting his gaze with a gentle smile playing at her lips. Shit. His heart was pounding in his chest, so he quickly forced himself to think of something else. The next day. The ten-hour drive in a stuffy car, the scarce meal that would await him in the morning, the horrible sun glaring through the windshield —
"How do you know Marlene?"
Well, at least that was a question he could answer with closed eyes and that would lead his thoughts elsewhere.
"My brother was with the Fireflies. S'how I met Marlene."
"Your brother was a Firefly?"
"I said he was with the Fireflies."
"Where's the difference?"
Joel sighed, chewing on his bottom lip. "Sleep."
For roughly five minutes, he believed there was a chance his travel companion was taking his words to heart at last, which was why he finally relaxed as well, doing his hardest to keep his mind from wandering off to her pretty hair, her beautiful hands, her gorgeous smile.
He knew how wrong it was, but he found that it wasn't that simple to banish certain feelings from his heart. He could distract himself by consciously concentrating on other things, but the more tired he became, the less control he had over his own mind. Which was why he always found himself dwelling on Amy's beauty.
When he turned onto his back, huffing out his frustration, he tried to change his angle on this. Yes, he found her pretty. Because she was. Objectively. And Joel was a man who liked pretty women, it was simple. He hadn't been with a woman in years, so it was only natural to have these thoughts. It didn't mean he had any intention of acting on them. Perhaps it was even healthier to accept that he felt attracted to Amy. These feelings would probably disappear on their own once he stopped trapping them and hiding them in the back of his mind. He might suffer for a few days, head swirling and his eyes lingering on her a little longer than was appropriate, but then they would fade on their own and he could live in peace.
Jesus, she was twenty-four. Could be his fuckin' kid.
Yeah, everything would be fine. No one, and especially not Amy, could read his mind and find out about his rotten brain. As long as he kept his desires to himself, they could inhabit his head for a while until this strange phase was over.
"Joel?"
Damn, he had assumed she had dozed off by now.
"What." It didn't even sound like a question, his voice laced with hostility.
"Are we safe here?"
"Didn't you ask the same fuckin' question yesterday?"
"Maybe," she admitted quietly.
"And did somethin' happen?"
"No."
"There ya go."
He turned onto his other side, thinking that he better trusted his gut over what he had told Amy instead of torturing himself by lying on his right side just so that his good ear was free. What he had said to her was the truth. There was no one out here, and even if there were, they wouldn't see the two of them in the dark.
"But there could be infected, right?"
"Yes," Joel grudgingly groaned. "Theoretically. But the chances are low."
"And… raiders."
"Yes," he whispered, and didn't soften his words this time. Not that he deemed it very likely to meet raiders out here in the middle of the woods, but claiming there were none would be a lie Joel wasn't comfortable telling her, despite all the trouble between them.
"Okay," Amy replied, but she couldn't fool him with her neutral, steady voice.
For the most part, Joel wished she would just go to sleep without bothering him again with more pointless questions, but there was also a part of him that understood her fear and pitied her genuinely. Of course she was scared. Was there any way around it? She was so young, so incapable of defending herself if it came down to it. Someone who had never been outside the QZ. Probably. At least, that was what Joel assumed about her past.
Sure, he was here to protect her, but Joel had to admit that it was a frightening thing to just close one's eyes, let oneself fall, and trust that nothing would happen to one's exposed and vulnerable body in the night.
Without saying anything, Joel sat up.
He didn't even know if Amy was still awake as he reached for his rifle, rubbing his swollen eyes with his knuckles. He was so tired he felt light-headed, craved sleep so much that it ate at him from within like an insatiable hunger.
And yet, Joel kicked off his sleeping bag a while later and rose to his feet.
He did it mostly so Amy would sleep at last without disturbing him with any more questions about their safety. And maybe because he felt for her, just a trifle. Just enough to make his eyes drift over her form, curled in a ball, while a quiet warmth spread through his lower belly.
Joel must have fallen asleep at around 5 a.m.
That was what he guessed, at least.
When he woke up the next morning, his lids still felt heavy, as though little stones were attached to the skin, pressing down onto his eyes with a relentless force that only vanished when he closed them. But to finally do that, he had to endure another day and pray that this time, Amy and he would find another place to sleep, one where she would feel safer than out here.
He was just brewing some coffee when his travel companion blinked awake, yawning and shifting on the ground.
"What time is it?" she breathed, rolling her head as though her body was still fighting off sleep. Surely this little brat was about to complain about being tired after he had spent a whole night on his feet just to make her feel a little safer and make sure nothing happened to her.
"8."
"You made coffee?"
His eyes narrowed slightly, traveling mistrustfully over the friendly look on her face.
"Yes?"
"Can I have some?"
"No fuckin' way."
Amy sat up, holding her head, which was probably spinning from the sudden motion. "Why not?"
"'Cause you're already a pain in my ass. No way I'm givin' you caffeine so you're gonna be even more annoyin'."
She folded her arms in front of her chest, greedily eyeing the steaming liquid that, Joel had to admit, emitted a delicious, nutty scent.
"Please. Otherwise I'm surely gonna fall asleep again."
"I don't care if you fall asleep. Actually, please do. S'gonna make all of this a lot easier for me if I don't have to listen to you talkin'."
With that, Joel closed the lid of the coffee pot, throwing her one last irritated glance, which Amy returned by jutting her chin out. God, she really did look beautiful in the morning, and that was despite the pronounced crease on her brow. When other people's skin was sallow, eyes hooded and hair standing out in all directions, Amy just looked… adorable. Sure, she wore dark circles underneath her eyes and looked a little drowsy herself, but somehow all of those little details only added to his feelings.
He quickly averted his gaze from her, hoping that his thoughts would disappear the moment his attention lay elsewhere, but of course nothing helped. Her features, her pretty pout were still stuck in his head like a song he couldn't get out of his mind. She was like a curse haunting him in two different ways, he realized, though both were very bad. Like problems he wished he could be rid of. She vexed the shit out of him, and every time he found peace for a single moment, it wasn't her obnoxious behavior burdening him but her appearance. It was unfair, really. It wasn't like she had done anything to deserve her looks, or the way she appeared to the outside world.
"Okay, just a sip," Amy stated. His head began throbbing, and he wished he could bury it beneath a pile of clothes just to drown out the noise. Or get another hour of sleep.
"What, are you addicted to coffee? You shouldn't be. Not at your age."
"At my age? What's that supposed to mean?" she indignantly spat.
"How long you been drinkin' coffee?" Joel asked suspiciously, but poured a little of the dark liquid into a cup. If there was one thing he had learned about addicts, it was that they became insufferable when they didn't get their fix. And since Amy was already intolerable, he didn't want to make it worse by dealing with her withdrawal symptoms all day.
"Since I was… 15, I think. And I'm not addicted. I just need it to wake up."
"That's the fuckin' definition of bein' addicted," Joel grunted.
"Then you're addicted too. We all are, it's just not an unhealthy addiction."
"This ain't about me." He handed her the cup roughly, the liquid nearly spilling over the rim. "Drink up. But you ain't gonna have this privilege every day, so enjoy it. No way I'm wastin' my coffee on a brat like you."
Amy savored the coffee silently and far more slowly than Joel would have liked.
"C'mon. We're leavin' in ten, so you better hurry up."
"So you grew up in Austin… How did you get to Boston?"
"None of your business," Joel barked, keeping his eyes glued to the road ahead of him. It was his new tactic to prevent his thoughts from wandering off to places they weren't supposed to be. Not looking at her. Avoiding her. He stood by his mantra to let his feelings in rather than forcefully packing them away, but he didn't have to provoke them by admiring her profile, beautifully lit by the rising sun.
"Really?" Amy scoffed, getting comfortable in her seat. "I'm starting to feel like you're the child here."
"I'm just not interested in sharing my history with you. And I'm not interested in learning about yours either."
Joel tightened his grip around the steering wheel, silently cursing at how his eyes flicked over to her every now and then. He had to get a grip on himself, goddamnit.
"Why? We're on a ten-hour drive and you just wanna sit here in silence? Jesus… Besides, I can promise you, you're gonna fall asleep if you don't talk."
Had Amy witnessed him keeping guard that night? The thought crossed his mind briefly, but watching her turn her head to look up at him with that victorious expression, he let the idea go.
"I'm not gonna fall asleep," Joel ground out through his clenched teeth, blinking against the bright sunlight warming his skin.
"You're saying that now. Come on. Just tell me a little something. Okay, I'm gonna give you a choice: either you're gonna talk, or I will."
"Talk about what?" Joel asked, not feeling particularly enthusiastic about either option, but he feared that if he ignored her, Amy would simply start talking his ear off without his permission.
"About our lives after the outbreak."
He had to suppress a chuckle, which quickly turned into a sour taste on his tongue. She was talking about the outbreak like it had been a groundbreaking shift in her life, even though she barely knew what the world had been like before that day twenty years ago.
At the same time, though, it made him aware of their massive age gap once more. He had lived a whole life, had gone through all possible stages before the outbreak, while Amy had been four goddamn years old. Younger than his daughter. The fact that he had ever glanced at her and felt drawn to her pretty face was downright disgusting. He was supposed to view her as a child, not a beautiful, attractive woman. But then again, she was that. It was a pretty accurate description of her, and no matter how hard Joel tried, he wasn't capable of bringing himself to see her as that.
"C'mon. You choose," Amy demanded again, challengingly drawing her eyebrows up.
"Fine… I'll tell ya." He chose that way first and foremost because if she started speaking, he might be more tempted to peer at her from the corner of his eye. That way, he could just stare ahead and ignore her presence, acting like he was talking to himself.
"My brother 'n' I –"
"The one we're traveling to?"
"Yes, goddamnit," Joel rumbled, exhaling in annoyance. "You asked me and now you're cuttin' me off after the first fuckin' word."
"Sorry." Amy leaned back, or at least that was what he could sense happening beside him.
"Anyways. We traveled east. Just 'cause it was horrible in Austin and we thought it must be better somewhere else. The first years after the outbreak were a mess. Everyone was just movin' around, tryna get somewhere better only to realize that it was shitty everywhere. Then the QZs came and many people went back."
"You and Tommy too?"
"No," he stated, lips a thin line. "We traveled further northeast, just tryin' to survive. We met – Tess. On the way. And some others. Just made our way around the country… lived day to day and then ended up in Boston. That was six years ago."
Amy let out a quiet breath. "Six years? You spent six years in the Boston QZ? Wow, no wonder you're so fucking grumpy."
Joel chose not to reply to that, just rolled his eyes. "I wasn't there all the time. Tommy 'n' I, we started smugglin' stuff in and out of the city. Traded with people, mostly desperate FEDRA soldiers, and had our little business runnin'."
"And why did Tommy leave? Did he have enough of you 'cause you suck?" She chuckled quietly, twisting her fingers together on her stomach.
"You think you're increasin' your chances of me tellin' you anythin' else about my past by bein' a fuckin' brat? Do you ever use your brain and figure out when to talk and when to shut your goddamn mouth? Mostly the second one, of course." Joel's jaw tightened, gritting his teeth so firmly he thought he might crack a tooth.
"Okay, I'm sorry. Go on."
Although he didn't feel like being told by Amy of all people to speak, just like he didn't want her ordering him to do anything, he did. Without being certain why he even bothered and didn't just keep silent, hoping she would soon fall asleep.
"He joined the fuckin' Fireflies."
"Oh right… You mentioned that. That's how you met Marlene."
"Correct," Joel muttered, chewing on his bottom lip as the memories bubbled to the surface.
"So he ditched you for the Fireflies? Or how am I supposed to picture that?"
"You're not supposed to picture anythin'…" Joel growled, but then took a deep breath. "He joined 'em. 'Cause he's an optimistic dreamer who thought he could make the world a better place. And I didn't 'cause I see those idiots for what they are."
"If you wanna gossip about the Fireflies, you've come to the wrong person. You know that, don't you?"
Joel narrowed his eyes slightly, casting her a quick look. "Why? 'Cause they wanna cut your arm open and steal your blood to do something that won't work? Are you sayin' you're grateful for that?"
"How do you know it won't work?" Amy asked, sounding more serious than she had in many hours.
"'Cause I've heard those tales before, kiddo," he explained, using the nickname on purpose to reestablish himself as someone with a lot more life experience and knowledge than her. "I've heard people talk about the genius vaccine that's gonna save us all, and we just gotta wait a few months while FEDRA develops it and hands it out. I don't care if they just didn't work or if those motherfuckers didn't hand out the vaccines 'cause they wanna continue oppressin' their people, but it doesn't matter. I haven't seen it yet. And we never will."
Joel paused, letting the gravity of his words sink in while Amy brought her thumb to her teeth, nibbling softly.
"It's not FEDRA, though. It's the Fireflies."
"Oh, and you think they can perform magic tricks just 'cause they're not fascists? There's no vaccine, kiddo. They can cut your arm open all they want, take your blood and do god knows what, but it ain't gonna work."
"How can you be so certain? You have no idea what –" Joel let out a long breath, shaking his head slowly.
"'Cause it's happened too many times. People gettin' their hopes up 'cause they thought some savior was about to come. I learned my lesson. Which is why I don't believe in this shit anymore."
"So you once had hope," Amy whispered.
Joel waited, expecting her to add something to that, but she didn't. And Joel didn't feel like it either.
Amy
When the sun hit the edge of her seat, Amy started counting the power poles by the road.
When it climbed so high in the sky that it burned directly onto her thighs, she moved on to the road signs, figuring it would take longer until that activity bored her too. But when, after an hour or two, she grew tired of observing the bleak landscape as well, her gaze landed on Joel instead.
"Joel?"
She liked saying his name. There was something grounding about the sound, how she could stretch the vowels or clip it short, depending on what she felt like at that moment.
"What?" he said without shifting his gaze to her.
That, she didn't like. Of course, Amy understood that he had to keep an eye on the road and make sure he wasn't driving into one of those power poles she had so intently watched that morning, but she secretly wished he would let his gaze wander to her more often. Not just because she liked looking at more of his face than just his profile, but also because Amy guessed she simply enjoyed having his undivided attention.
"What?" he repeated, hissing the word out like it was a disease.
"Can we stop for a moment? I have to pee."
"Oh, the 'lil princess has to pee again," he snarled, drumming his fingers on the steering wheel in irritation.
She bit her bottom lip to hold back a smile, and for a moment she felt relieved that Joel had his eyes on the road. Otherwise, he might have noticed the faint warm shudder that rippled down her spine whenever he called her that. Amy definitely preferred that nickname over kiddo. Princess made her feel… special.
She wasn't an idiot and was well aware that Joel used it in a sarcastic, almost mocking way, but the effect was the same. Just the sound alone, the way his lips twisted every time he was about to pour it over her like warm honey… Jesus, maybe she really had stared at that man a little too long today, Amy thought, feeling warmth creep up her face.
Hopefully she would come up with other distractions tomorrow and spend her time doing things that wouldn't require focusing on Joel so much. It was just hard not to let her gaze drift to him at times, especially when he called her princess.
"It won't take long, I promise," Amy said and looked out of the window, searching for an abandoned gas station or repair shop.
"Wasn't I the one who told you not to drink so much?"
"Do you want me to die of fuckin' thirst?" she shot back, impatiently throwing her hands up.
"No, but I told you to drink a lot at once so you don't have to pee so often. You've been sippin' on that water bottle for hours without a fuckin' break. Not surprised you gotta pee so often…"
Despite his complaints, Joel pulled off at the next gas station, parking next to the small building and climbing out after grabbing his gun.
"I really don't think this is necessary," Amy muttered and slammed the door shut behind her.
When they had stopped for her first pee break, Joel had insisted on standing outside the bathroom, armed with his gun like a guard dog. Of course she had found it ridiculous back then too, but she couldn't deny the effect his protectiveness had on her. It was the same when she had noticed Joel keeping watch the night before.
His reasons for doing it were utterly insignificant, but feeling taken care of, protected by a man as capable of violence as Joel, made her stomach flutter and sometimes even her lips curve, even though she tried to hide it from him whenever that happened. The stomach fluttering, at least, he couldn't see.
So when Amy complained about his thorough safety measures, she only meant it to some extent. Mostly, she felt flustered, delighted and shy about Joel following her inside, standing so close to the door that she could nearly hear his breathing.
No one had ever cared for her in such a way, and it didn't even matter that he did it solely for the reward Marlene had promised him. She was a broken woman, and had once been a scared little child who had never received the love, shelter and warmth she would have needed after her parents died so early. So it was no surprise that she soaked up Joel's feeble gestures like a dry sponge, no matter how coldly he delivered them. Protection was protection.
"It is," Joel barked, resembling that dog now more than ever. "C'mon. You said you were gonna do it quickly. I wanna drive a few more hours before we make camp."
Joel practically pushed her inside, even holding the door open while Amy slipped under his arm.
"How am I supposed to relieve myself with you lurking around like a fuckin' shadow?" she complained before Joel closed the door with a rough bang.
"You're supposed to pee. Not write down the theory of relativity."
"Joel?" Amy asked, absent-mindedly tracing her finger over the window beside her.
"What?" he barked, casting her a brief glance. "Don't do that. You're gonna get the window dirty. Then I can't see, and I'm gonna crash the fucking car."
"How am I gonna get the window dirty?" she sneered and examined her own fingertip as if looking for the filth he was talking about.
"Just – don't. What's your question?"
"I was wondering if you could tell me more about your brother. How are we gonna find him? Do you know where exactly he lives?"
"I know that he's in Wyoming."
"That's it?" Amy asked, tilting her eyebrows upward.
"No, you little brat. Would you mind letting me finish? I know roughly where he is."
Of course, he had no fucking clue. Great. So she wouldn't just have to endure his horrible temper for the next few weeks — she would also have to wander around Wyoming looking for a man who had left no traces whatsoever. How big was Wyoming even? What did it look like? Was it cold up there? And should she ask Joel these questions or would he taunt her?
"So you have no idea, asshole," Amy said, sounding a lot bolder than she felt.
"What's wrong with you?" Joel hissed, his grip tightening around the steering wheel. Good. At least her words had gotten a reaction out of him. "I know where he is. I'm gonna find him 'cause there ain't no other option."
"And what about me?" Damn, she hadn't meant for it to sound so pathetic, so needy. But after ten hours in this car with nothing to do but stare out of the window, Amy was stuck with her own thoughts and slowly started losing her mind. Her future was more uncertain than it had ever felt before, and all she wanted was to know what was going to happen to her, whether Joel was just as uninformed about where he was going to drop her off as he was about finding his brother, his own flesh and blood.
What if he didn't know anything at all and she ended up on the side of an abandoned road? Amy could already see it clearly in her mind, Joel's triumphant scoff, his features relaxed for once in his life as he left her in the dust. But then again, he wanted that reward Marlene had promised him, right? Goddamnit, she had no idea, but she wanted a little stability. That was all.
"What about you?" Joel snapped, causing her to chew on her bottom lip.
"What – where are we gonna find the Fireflies? What if they're gone? And – I mean, after we find your brother – if we find him – is he… will he come with us?"
"You got a whole lotta questions, kiddo…" Joel groaned, grinding his teeth.
"What do you expect? You think I'm gonna be satisfied driving around with some old grump like you?"
"You can be glad you're drivin' around with me, brat. Others would've killed you already. Would've sold your fuckin' organs for a bit of food."
"But then you wouldn't get Marlene's reward."
Yeah, that worked. Maybe Amy should feel a little more confident about the fact that Joel needed her as much as she needed him. Okay, maybe not just as much, but if something happened to her, he had no purpose going west. Except for his brother, of course.
"Don't worry about that… I'm gonna get Marlene her little prize. And I bet your ass you can't imagine how badly I wish we were there already…"
"Oh, believe me, I can," Amy muttered and rested her chin on her knee, which she hadn't done before. She had thought Joel might not appreciate seeing her put her shoe on the leather seat. Whatever. If he acted like an asshole, he didn't get to be mad at her for disrespecting his rules.
When Joel and Amy stopped at another gas station an hour later, she had to bite her tongue to stop herself from making a snarky comment. Something like I told you not to drink so much at once was on the tip of her tongue, but she didn't say it, thinking that the fact that the two of them hadn't torn into each other during the past few minutes was a win.
"C'mon. Get out of the car," Joel commanded after pulling to a stop, making her sigh in annoyance.
"I can wait in here."
"No, you won't. I'm not gonna say it twice."
Shoulders dropping in defeat, Amy unfastened her seat belt and climbed out of the car, doing so begrudgingly enough that she hoped he felt it.
"Can you stop huffing like a fucking steam locomotive?" Joel grunted on their way inside.
"Oh, excuse me. Now I'm breathing too loudly? What else? You want me to walk differently?"
The store was just as run-down and grimy as the previous station. Some of the food and other merchandise had been knocked off the shelves and was scattered all over the floor. Amy kicked a can aside as she followed Joel toward the bathroom, provoking him to dart a look at her from the corner of his eye, though he restrained himself from commenting.
"You wait here. I swear to god, don't move around, don't do anything stupid. Don't search the store. Just stay by the door. Am I clear?"
"Yes," she said sharply, barely able to stop herself from saluting.
"Alright."
He gave her one last quick, suspicious look before pushing through the bathroom door, rifle in his hand. Amy almost wanted to laugh. What kind of danger was he expecting to lurk inside a bathroom except for mildew on the ceiling and some rusty pipes. Well, whatever made Joel feel safe.
She whistled through her pursed lips, taking in the store more carefully. All those cans and packages spread across the floor…
Why hadn't Joel told her to take a look around and find them some useful snacks for the drive? It would be in both their best interests, right? Maybe that was just what he needed, Amy thought, grinning to herself. A few snacks, a chocolate bar or a handful of salted almonds. Would he consider it a peace offering if she handed him one, or would he be mad at her for ignoring his rules?
In the end, she was too curious to just stand by the door, which was why she started to wander through the shop. It turned out to be a lot larger than she had initially thought. There was another large room connected to this one, with even more magazine stands and empty refrigerated shelves. The latter were obviously not intact anymore, though Amy still took pleasure in finding out what had once been stored in there. The magazines caught her interest as well. Perhaps she could take a stack of them to keep herself entertained during the drive, so she wouldn't have to force conversation with Joel.
Screw him for telling her to wait by the door… If she had obeyed, she wouldn't have found any of this, and would probably bore herself to death after more endless hours of sitting next to him in the car with nothing but the movement of the sun to hold her attention.
Suddenly, she paused. There had been a noise, right? She was just about to call Joel's name, already readying herself to explain what she was doing at the back of the shop, when it happened again.
No, that wasn't Joel…
Amy's brow furrowed, her feet quietly carrying her toward the source of the sound. She passed the checkout counter, the rack with the postcards - she froze.
Without even seeing what was inside the room behind the door that stood just a crack open, she knew at once. The quiet groan that was almost a yelp.
"Oh fuck me," she whispered, feeling so startled by the sudden appearance of the infected that she had yet to move.
Jesus, she should run in the opposite direction, find Joel and get the hell out of here, but something drew her closer to the door. It was dark in there, which was why she couldn't quite make out the creature, but a thin strip of light illuminated its right cheekbone.
This was it… Her worst enemy, which had simultaneously given her her superpower. Amy despised the term, but Marlene had sometimes called her immunity that, which had made her feel like a small child who couldn't understand what any of this was about without that kind of language.
She took another step forward, her hand hovering an inch from the door. She just couldn't stop. The sight was fascinating, the yellow eyes sending a shudder brushing against the back of her neck, her hair standing on end. It was excitement and fear in equal measure, but above all she felt that the thrill of it had an addictive effect on her.
Shit. She had taken another careful step forward without knowing why, and suddenly the creature stirred. At first it was just its face twisting, the milky pupils, which didn't look so milky and distant now, settling on her.
"Shit," she breathed, stepping back slowly. No, no, no, she hadn't been prepared for this. Was she supposed to run or sneak away, hoping the infected wouldn't find her? Joel had said something about Clickers not being able to see. Was this a Clicker? How could she tell if it — The infected lurched forward abruptly, jerking as though possessed by some demonic force, and crawled toward her.
"Oh fuck," Amy gasped, jumping backward and kicking out wildly, when something, or rather someone, grabbed her by the arm and dragged her back.
Joel.
She had never felt so relieved to catch the leather scent that seemed to cling to him like a second skin.
He pulled her behind his massive frame, shielding her from the infected, and fired a few shots at it. Amy couldn't see any blood, but she could only imagine it was an ugly sight. The smell of gunpowder spread rapidly through the air, and suddenly the only sound she could hear was her own heavy panting, whereas the room had just felt so loud and chaotic.
Joel yanked her along without a word. He didn't even allow her a glimpse of the scene, deliberately walking to her left so that his body blocked the view. And Amy let him guide her without question or protest, her head swimming and her fingertips prickling as the adrenaline gradually began to ebb.
She felt stable at his side for once, as though she could let all her emotions run free, allow herself to be afraid, sad, or overwhelmed, because Joel was there to protect her. And there was something incredibly grounding about his solid presence.
By the time they reached the door that led outside, she was trembling, which prompted Joel to place a hand on her back. It was a wise move. Why did she feel so weak in the knees all of a sudden? Was she going to faint? Her breathing came out shallow, her chest rising faster than usual as her body worked to fill her lungs with oxygen that seemed to nourish them but not yet her brain.
Joel directed her back to the car, but instead of walking around to the passenger side, he opened the driver's door and helped Amy onto his seat. Her vision was still a little blurry, and she twisted her trembling hands together to hide her body's struggle, but the fact that she could stretch out her legs and didn't have to support her own weight anymore made her racing heart begin to slow.
"Eat this." Joel's deep voice cut through the fog in her head, making Amy's eyes flicker toward him. He was standing in front of her, one hand on the hood, the other holding a small package.
"What… what is that?" she breathed, unnerved by the thinness of her own voice.
"Glucose. You know what that is?"
She shook her head but allowed Joel to place the item in her open palm.
"Well, it's some sort of sugar. I don't know exactly, but it's gonna help ya."
Amy swallowed hard, then tried to rip the plastic open. Unsuccessfully, of course. Her trembling fingers slipped immediately, which made her exhale in frustration.
"C'mon. Give it to me."
She obeyed, though she couldn't deny feeling a little helpless, sulky, even, for not being able to do it herself. At the same time, she was taken aback by his sudden show of kindness, something Amy hadn't known him to be capable of.
"What is that… Why am I feeling –"
Joel handed her the white tablet, which almost looked like compressed flour.
"Adrenaline. Something about… blood sugar. The point is, you had a lot of energy from the shock, and now that energy is leaving your body all at once, so you're feeling extra weak. Eat it. Why would I poison ya? I would've gotten rid of you already if I wanted to."
Amy paused for a moment, looking at the tiny tablet that was supposed to save her from her own body betraying her. Then she put it in her mouth, chewed gently, and tasted sweetness on her tongue a moment later.
"How long until it kicks in?" Amy asked, glancing up at Joel, who was still watching her as though afraid she might drop dead the moment he looked away. A tremor unfurled along her spine, warm and pleasant, like the graze of a soft feather drawn slowly across her back with the sole purpose of making her feel good. Maybe it was just the angle, but from this perspective Joel's eyes seemed a little kinder than usual. Well, maybe it was just the lighting, but right now they appeared to lack the darkness that usually shone through his irises.
"Not long. Just give it a few minutes," he replied, but Amy barely listened.
Heat rose in her cheeks as she reflected on the thoughts coursing through her mind. Goddamnit. She had come this close to getting ripped apart by an infected, then almost collapsed, and she was thinking about Joel being nice to her for once? About how she felt safe with him and how that fact had somehow gotten through to her? She must have gone insane. Maybe she had just hit her head, couldn't remember it, and that was why she had paid such close attention to the color of his eyes.
"Amy."
Her head shot up, her blown pupils tracking the wrinkles on his brow.
"I asked you if we can keep driving."
"Yes. Yes, of course," she stammered, avoiding his eyes as she rose somewhat unsteadily to her feet.
"Good. Get in then. If you need more sugar, tell me. I got some in my bag."
Finally, Amy regained her ability to think and found her voice again.
"You've been storing those in your bag and didn't think to mention it?"
"Why would I have told you?"
Since Amy had no real response to that, she just shrugged and climbed back into her seat, releasing a deep breath and letting her head fall backwards.
She enjoyed exactly five minutes of that while Joel pulled the car back onto the road before he opened his mouth again and let his shrewd eyes wander across her pale face.
"Well, I ain't gotta tell ya why that was bad, right?"
Amy remained silent, feeling both deflated and furious all at once. God, she was supposed to feel grateful, but for some strange reason she couldn't find that emotion anywhere in her swirling mind right now. At least not on the surface.
"Amy."
Her head turned at the sound of her name slipping past his lips, but she still said nothing.
"I told you to stay by the door. Exactly 'cause of situations like this. And if I recall correctly, I told you a day ago that I was only gonna take you with me if you did what I told you when I told you. You disobeyed me and look where it got ya."
The blood beneath her skin was burning, the world around her tilting. Amy felt strange and unsteady again, though she had been better just a moment ago.
"Yes, and if you had let me stay in the car, none of this shit would have happened!" She detested how emotional, how rattled she sounded, but her feelings were getting the better of her and she was fully at their mercy. All she could do was watch the show as though she were an observer from the outside.
"If you had stayed in the car, worse things could have happened! Do you ever think that I might know what's best for you? That I have a little more life experience than you? Just 'cause you happen to have a big mouth doesn't mean everything coming out of it is good or smart. In fact, most of it is bullshit. You think you're safe in the car? You think you're safe when there's another car passing by with someone inside who sees a young, helpless girl who's unarmed? Someone who might not have good intentions?"
Amy's head began to throb. God, she didn't think she had ever heard Joel talk so much all at once. Why was she even so angry? Why did she feel like she would spit fire if she parted her lips? Why did she want to hit Joel on the arm and maybe kick him in the shin? Those arms that had just killed the infected for her, and those legs that had guided her out of the gas station.
"You could've given me a gun…" Amy murmured after a few minutes, only a shadow of that confident, stubborn girl left that Joel had been talking to a moment ago.
"I told you, you're only allowed to use it when I know that you know how."
"And when is that gonna be?" she asked, pressing her right cheek against the cold glass to cool her hot temper. It was working to some extent, her senses slowly sharpening.
"Tonight, if you want."
"What?" she breathed and carefully tilted her head in his direction.
"If we make camp early and you do as I say for the rest of the ride, I'm gonna show you how to use a gun. I'm not promising anything 'cause I don't know how well you're gonna do, but I'm gonna show ya how to hold it. How to aim right."
Amy sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, blinking a few times. There were tears collecting on her waterline, which didn't make any sense at all given that Joel was just making her a peace offering, but she couldn't help feeling so incredibly worn down by all of this. Always having to come up with a quick-witted reply, staying tough in front of Joel, resenting herself for feeling safe in his presence, feeling ashamed when she had to admit to being comforted by his role as her protector.
It was all too much. Amy had no idea if he noticed any of her emotions and how she was holding back tears, but at least he didn't speak to her for the next few hours, which could mean many things.
Joel just drove in silence, and as far as Amy could tell, he didn't even toss her a quick look. Amy spent most of the time with her head turned away from him, cheek pressed against the cool surface of the window, and the rest of the time she dozed. Because of those quick shifts between being awake and being fast asleep, she had no sense of the time, so when Joel steered the car off the road without a word, Amy could only guess the hour by the height of the sun in the sky. Late afternoon, maybe early evening. Maybe he was really holding true to his promise to give her a shooting lesson. The day before, he had made camp later.
"You okay?" Joel grunted the second the engine cut off.
"Yes," Amy answered mechanically.
"Did you eat the glucose?"
"No."
The next thing she perceived was the click of his seatbelt.
"Get out. Ain't gonna help ya, sinkin' into self-pity."
Amy wanted to grab him by the arm and ask what the hell he meant by self-pity, but he was already out of the car, stomping through the tall grass toward the trunk where the two of them had stuffed their sleeping bags, camping stove and all sorts of other things.
Self-pity, she thought, scoffing to herself. Why would she feel pity for herself? It was quite the opposite, actually. If there was something bothering her it was the rage she felt toward herself, not pity.
"Are you gonna teach me now?" Amy called in his direction, trying to mask her irritation by putting an extra measure of coolness in her tone.
"Give me a minute, alright? Jesus… I'm gonna start the campfire, then I'm gonna teach ya. Just – stay put."
Amy jutted her jaw forward. Anything to conceal the rebellion in her chest.
Just some unholy, filthy Joel x f!reader smut in the shower...
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, rough sex, oral sex (m receiving), dom!Joel, choking, reader makes herself gag around him, dirty talk, lots of degradation and humiliation, fingering, overstimulation, praise, possessiveness, name calling (slut, whore, babygirl), size kink, hand over mouth, Joel is absolutely feral for you and fucks your brains out, jealousy, slut shaming, dom/sub dynamic, fluff, obsessive and controlling Joel, established relationship, Jackson!Joel, implied age gap
Wordcount: 6,522
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Joel gritted his teeth, pushing you forward with a little more force than necessary to signal you to approach the wall. You understood the message either way, stumbling forward rather than walking that single step.
The shower was narrow and tight, leaving barely enough room for two people to stand comfortably while soaping their bodies, but that was only more reason to minimize the space between the two of you, Joel found. Besides, he could always justify their feral behavior in the shower by claiming that he wanted to save water.
And then there was the fact that both of you, having traveled through the country for months without any running water aside from the currents the two of you had stumbled upon, definitely had a lot to catch up on. The experience of warm, clear water trickling down one's neck was something Joel had never appreciated enough before the outbreak. Now, twenty years later, living in Jackson, he had discovered it again, and he couldn't get enough of it. Especially when you joined him in the shower.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," you whimpered, feeling his hand stall along your slit with just enough friction to kindle a small fire within you.
"I know, baby… You like that, don't you?" His nose scrunched against the back of your wet scalp, smelling your hair, which his calloused hands had already kneaded clean a few minutes prior. Well, perhaps the two of you would have to wash your bodies again after you were done here. At least, Joel could already feel sweat pooling on his brow, although it was quickly swept away by the water crackling down on your heads.
As he didn't receive an answer, he slapped your butt harshly, the noise even louder as it echoed off the high tiles of the bathroom.
"Answer me. Or I'm gonna stop right here, right now… Use your mouth. Or do I have to remind you that you got one that works pretty well." His strong arms stirred when you still hesitated to open your mouth, too focused on not losing your mind over his thumb flicking your clit to the side.
Truthfully, you were feeling a bit anxious. Not because of Joel's lingering touch, of course, but rather because you had been marked by the many times the two of you had made use of what you had during your travels across the continent.
The days had been rough, and so had the places you had slept. Tents, rancid beds in abandoned cabins, and the steel-hard floors of buildings that had once been offices and now emitted a cold dullness. Still, Joel and you were two human beings who felt attracted to each other, which was why you had often ended up trapped between your partner's broad body and the ground while his cock and fingers had driven you to your high within minutes. Those were the times when you had had to stay quiet. Not only because your moans would have bounced off the ceiling and circulated throughout the whole building like a disease, but especially because neither of you knew what creatures were strolling in the basement.
You hadn't just gotten used to keeping your voice down while Joel's hard cock was pounding your pussy, no, you had quite literally been drilled to feel your heart skip a beat whenever a noise spilled out of your throat. Most of the time, it had been Joel pressing a hand over your mouth, his grip tightening around your throat, or whatever body part of yours he could grab first. In your opinion, it wasn't surprising that you were still trained to keep your mouth shut.
Perhaps you would learn to properly enjoy yourself again after a few months in Jackson, but for now, anxiety instinctively rose in your belly every time Joel asked you to speak up or stop holding back on him.
Consequently, you didn't reply to him even after his repeated question, resulting in his large hand pulling you down by your wrist.
"Alright, you wanted it that way," he growled between clenched teeth, eyes spitting fire while your knees uncomfortably scraped the floor beneath you. "So I gotta remind ya, mhm? That you got a fuckin' mouth, and a fuckin' tongue that's supposed to move when I tell ya so. Open your mouth."
You had to tilt your head a little and flinched when you felt water drops fall right into your eyes. It definitely wasn't a suitable position to give someone a blow job, but you didn't consider rejecting your boyfriend for an instant. In fact, that thought didn't even race through your mind. Maybe this was another effect of the past months spent far out in the country. When you traveled alone with a man, saw that same face night and day, and simultaneously felt your personal need to be intimate with someone increase, there were not a lot of options.
Joel and you had made it five whole days before the two of you had shared a sleeping bag for the first time. To prevent freezing to death, of course. After that, it had become routine, letting off steam at the end of the day, finding something similar to solace.
The way you touched each other varied day to day, you figured. At times, there had been nothing soft or gentle about the way his cock had impaled your cunt, whereas other times, you had felt like what you were doing could be called making love. It hadn't just been about Joel emptying his balls inside you or releasing some endorphins, but about appreciating a close emotional proximity that didn't just serve the purpose of satisfying each other like two feral animals. Sometimes, Joel had stayed inside you longer than necessary and had even bothered to help you get dressed afterward.
But at the end of the day, despite traveling alone and without a larger group, there had always been complications, such as exhaustion, tiredness, an unsuitable sleeping place, or the stress that just wasn't wearing off no matter how much effort you put into relaxing. On some days, Joel couldn't get hard, and on other days you were too cramped to let him in. You assumed that there was some correlation to the events that had happened throughout the day, but since there was nothing you had been able to do about it, you had just accepted the way your bodies functioned and instead went to bed.
Therefore, the two of you had a lot of yearning to make up for. All those times, you had lain on your side, head full of worries and concerns you wished you could turn off like a light switch. There was the question of what to eat tomorrow, where to sleep, whether the two of you would make it out of the QZ, and which road to take without a map to guide you. The only way, at least the only way accessible to you, was to be with Joel, his cock or hands shutting your brain off for at least fifteen minutes. But when the circumstances wouldn't allow it, all you could do was think about it and wish you were someplace else.
Exactly like you were now.
Now, living in Jackson, Joel and you could fuck all day, and nobody cared. You could use every piece of furniture, spend hours touching each other's bodies without rush, and repeat it as many times as you liked in comfortable places that didn't involve wet forest soil seeping through your clothes. You were hungry for each other, it was that simple.
"Good girl," Joel now praised, eyes skimming over your widely parted lips. "Now I want ya to go slowly, babygirl. Can ya do that?"
You nodded slowly, gaze traveling along his immense manhood, which always slapped against his soft belly so seductively when the two of you had been making out for some time.
You didn't know what you craved more, kissing the faint bulge of his tummy or licking across the tip of his cock, which looked so red and plump. But since Joel made the choice for you, you shifted a little closer to him, eyes wide and glued to his cock like you were hypnotized by the beauty of his impressive length.
"Slowly. Trace the veins, baby. Like I taught you."
It wasn't like you had needed a teacher to show you how to give a blowjob, goddamnit. You had been with guys before Joel had come into your life, yet it really did feel like he had opened your world to utterly new ways of pleasing a man. Joel had a very particular idea of how you were supposed to take him into your mouth and how to stimulate his member, which you had been quick to adapt to.
He didn't do the work. This was one of the first lessons you had learned. He was more than happy to be the active one when he had you pinned on the floor beneath him, rapidly snapping his hips into yours as he fucked your brains out, but while he was receiving pleasure from you, he leaned back. Watched you, enjoyed you, relaxed.
He still told you how he wanted it and radiated a certain dominance even while doing nothing, but he mostly kept his hands to himself aside from occasionally threading them through your hair.
Joel hummed tenderly when you darted your tongue out, but apart from that, you didn't receive much affirmation that you were doing well. Which wasn't new or unfamiliar to you. At this point, it didn't unsettle you anymore, so you didn't let his silence distract you, and you licked along his bulging veins just the way he liked it. You were careful to capture all of it, every centimeter from his base up to his tip, then made your way back down.
Your knees hurt terribly, but it wasn't worse than the knife of a raider shoved into your shinbone, so you managed. The water dripping onto your face stung your eyes, but it wasn't worse than wandering through the woods in the rain with your body soaked to the bone. At least the water was warm and felt nice the moment it left your eyes to run down your face.
"Good girl. Show me your tongue," Joel commanded, placing his heavy palm on top of your head as if to pet his favorite dog. Once you had obeyed, you felt him shift his weight to his other foot in order to have a better view of your flat tongue.
"Good. Go on now. Every single vein."
He didn't have to ask you again. Licking his massive dick, showing your admiration and awe for him in such a primal and filthy way was one of your favorite things in the world. You really did feel like worshipping his manhood by affectionately trailing along every single bulging vein and the curve of him, and it was precisely how you were feeling. Besides, you had done this so many times before that it felt as though your muscles had memorized the exact shape and texture of him, his form engraved in your tongue and surely in your pussy walls as well, given the many times he had scraped his cock along your insides.
"You look really good down there, baby… Should do this in the shower more often. Makes it less dirty."
Once again, a side effect of your long journey through the wild.
After having had no choice but to watch your face get coated in his precum, your drool, and eventually even his seed, Joel liked it clean and neat nowadays. He owned towels and tissues, so why not make use of them?
"Yeah," you agreed, licking a generous stripe from his balls up his length while carefully circling the tip with your thumb.
"Okay, enough," Joel then said after a few minutes, tapping his fingers on your scalp. "Suck on it. Slowly 'n' just the tip. You're not gonna do more than I tell you, are we clear?"
"Yes, Joel," you breathed, exactly like you knew he enjoyed it.
Joel wanted order and compliance, a clear and unambiguous hierarchy and someone who listened to him without any second thoughts. He hated chaos and spontaneous choices but loved it when you did precisely what he told you. When you waited to touch his cock until he had given you permission to bring your hand closer.
The tip of his dick disappeared between your soft lips, your lashes fluttering while you gazed up at him. The problem definitely wasn't how deep he pressed against your throat walls but the water filling your eyes.
"Suck it, babygirl," Joel repeated, his lips parting just a little further as you obeyed. He was rock hard against your mouth, so you doubted that this was anything but a punishment for being unable to use your voice while you were with him, but it didn't really feel like it. Every second you got to spend with your face pressed against his center was a blessing to you, and you liked to believe that the events of the past weeks were not the only reason for your emotions regarding this. Joel was a handsome man, so anyone would be lucky to have him all to themselves.
You suckled on his tip gently, hoping that you were doing well, but you couldn't think of anything you might be failing to pay attention to right now. You didn't shift too much — Joel didn't like that — and you focused on his tip without using your tongue too extensively.
"Gosh… sweetheart. You're really good at this. I taught you well. S'almost a 'lil boring, ain't it?"
Your eyes widened, taking in his narrow, dark gaze roaming your body as if to assess what to do with you next.
"Ain't got no reason to punish you. Except for not respondin' of course. But apart from that… All I can do is tell you that you're doin' well."
Even though you wanted to tell him that you were convinced that was a good thing, you didn't dare pull away from him without his explicit command.
Instead you hollowed your cheeks, heart stumbling at the way Joel's head rested against the wall behind him, his neck flexed like his body was under high pressure. You were doing well. He liked it.
"Use your tongue. And go deeper, sweetheart. Just a 'lil bit… Halfway."
You nodded lightly, just enough to show Joel that you had understood and knew what to do, and then allowed more of him to slide down your throat. By now, you had a very good idea of how many inches you were taking based on how he felt against your throat, and stopped when his tip was about to nudge against your palate. Yes, that was how big he was.
In the beginning, he had simply been too big for both your throat and pussy, but he had made it work. That was what he had whispered in your ear while you had trembled and whimpered, your blood running cold with the fear of forever being incapable of adjusting to his size.
I'm gonna make it fit. It's gonna be okay, he had murmured, which had soothed you surprisingly well and led you to discover a new side of him. A softer, more caring one, although you had to admit that that side of him was revealed most of the time when Joel wanted something. Such as your throat and your pussy.
But now, you were skilled and your throat was trained to take more of him.
You exhaled heavily through your nose, closing your eyes as you covered your teeth with your lips.
"You're a good 'lil pet, baby… Listenin' so well… That's how I can tell that this is exactly what you're supposed to do. Where you're supposed to be."
You knew that Joel wasn't making you suck his cock to cum down your throat. He liked blowjobs, no matter if they were messy, lazy, or passionate, but this man liked to fuck. Sliding his dick past your lips was almost always just a preparation for what was to come or one of his twisted games that were supposed to teach you a lesson.
Still, you put everything into it, bobbing your head around the upper part of his cock while your tongue played with his veins and the precum gathering at his tip. You switched quickly between forceful sucks, teasing swipes across his length, and steady stimulation in the form of your stretched lips brushing against him. And Joel seemed satisfied. He had yet to say much and limited himself to occasionally grunting under his breath or cursing quietly, but you knew that if you were doing a poor job, he would have stopped you by now.
"All the way now, kitten," he suddenly said, the few words hanging in the moist air a little longer than usual because of the empty space of the shower. "I want you to gag on it. Let's make it… three times. I'm feelin' nice today."
You granted yourself a few seconds to catch your breath, knees shifting across the cold floor to find a position that was just a little bit more comfortable for your raw skin.
"Yes, Joel."
"And you know the rules. Don't push yourself too far, alright?"
Nodding again, you straightened up, trying to hide the pain shooting through your kneecaps. Perhaps Joel would have cared if you told him, but perhaps not. In any case, what did it matter? You wanted to finish what you had started in the shower with him, not on some stupid carpet or the bed.
"Three times, babygirl. If you're gonna be good, I'll let you stand, 'n' I'm gonna fuck this pussy nicely. Do you want that?"
"Yes, Joel," you whined, feeling surprised by how vocal he was being with you. Well, maybe he was just in a good mood. Or today wasn't all about getting rid of accumulated tension or anger but rather actually relishing some time shared with you.
His promise gave you the motivation to get it over with quickly so that you could have his massive, broad frame pressed against your back. You were a little cold on the ground and you really wanted to stretch out your legs before they grew even more numb.
"Go on… Show me how good you can be. How well I taught you. The water's no problem for you, is it?"
"No, Joel," you assured him, pressing his tip against your lips. "I can do it."
"I knew you would say that, sweetheart… C'mon now. Ain't got all day, mhm?"
Actually, the two of you had all day, but you presumed that Joel just used that phrasing to emphasize the fact that he was growing impatient.
"Ohh fuck… baby. That's it. All the way inside there where it belongs. Yes."
You swallowed hard, your heart thumping in your chest like it always did when you were about to consciously make yourself gag on his cock. The way your body reacted to your nervousness just didn't change, no matter how many times Joel had asked that of you.
You went deeper, deeper than your body was supposed to go. Deeper than your throat could take, but that was the plan after all. That was what Joel wanted from you.
Around three quarters of his length were snug within you when you had to close your eyes. A low growl escaped Joel's lips, which gave you the ambition to continue, and then, there it was. You choked, your body recoiling as you immediately pulled back. He was okay with that, the rules only said that you had to make yourself gag. Joel didn't care how fast you slipped him out of your mouth after that.
Cheeks burning with searing heat, you coughed a couple of times, your body losing its upright posture as you writhed and squirmed below him.
"Good… Good, baby. That was the first. You think you can give me two more?"
Of course you could. You just needed a little bit of time between each one.
"Yes," you whispered, voice raspy and coarse already after the first.
"Alright. Look at me. I don't care how deep you go, just wanna see your pretty eyes and hear ya gag. That's all."
"Yes, Joel." You brushed the wet strands hanging in your face back and tucked them behind your ears to make everything a little tidier.
Then you repeated what you had just done, all while keeping your eyes open and glued to his face. It wasn't a very unpleasant task since his features looked like they were carved by God himself and you tended to get lost in his handsome face pretty often, but your eyes still teared up. The secret to it was letting them go and accepting that your tears were running down your skin until they hit Joel's cock. But since he didn't seem to mind, you fully ignored the wetness and kept peering up at him.
That second gag was harder due to the fact that you had to concentrate on more things than just his manhood kissing the back of your throat, but you proudly managed. After your body had calmed down, the ripples and uneven coughs slowly abating, Joel reached out to snatch your chin.
"Gosh… I don't even know what to do with ya. If I should feel proud of you for listenin' so well or be disgusted by you actin' like a cheap whore."
His words sent tingles down your spine, the good and the bad ones alike. You sniffled gently, wiping your nose with the back of your hand.
"I guess I can make my peace with you bein' a cheap whore. The only thing I'm concerned about really is you bein' a slut for other men here in Jackson."
Joel absent-mindedly toyed with your hair, watching it give way to his fingers, then pulled you up by your arm all of a sudden. As you hadn't expected it at all and had just braced yourself for the last round, you squeaked and nearly lost your balance on the slippery floor. But Joel had you securely in his hold, spun you around so quickly your head throbbed, and pressed you face first against the wall.
"Joel," you whimpered, feeling so overwhelmed and maybe even a little disappointed. You would have liked to properly finish the task that you had been given, but it seemed like Joel had other plans for you.
"I didn't care about you bein' a cheap whore while we were out there…" he rambled on while nudging the tip of his cock against your tight entrance, his other hand draped around your middle to grope your tits.
"T'wasn't important 'cause we were the only ones out there. But here… they're all touch-starved, you know? You think any of these guys would reject you, baby? Fuck, even Tommy wouldn't push ya away."
You highly doubted that since his brother was happily married to Maria, but you were too distracted by his cock gathering your wetness to correct him. Joel pushed inside slowly, savoring how your walls welcomed him sluggishly, as though they weren't sure yet whether your boyfriend was a welcome guest.
"They would all fuck ya if they had the chance, babygirl. And that's okay… As long as they keep their hands to themselves and remember that you're mine. But I need you to know something for that. Do you know what?"
"W-What?" you asked breathlessly, your right cheek pressed against the wet tiles while Joel pinned both your wrists to your lower back.
All of this was so fucking obscene, so shameless and bad, but you just couldn't help but love every second. The way he was talking about you, like you were some valuable prize, nothing more than an object that anybody who owned it could be lucky to possess. And the way he had your body under control… how he was caging you in, using his body weight to pin you in place and his large hands to trap both your wrists in one of his. The other was free to guide his manhood deeper inside you, splitting you open on his cock, which was so thick that you were completely aware of every part of your body, your pussy first and foremost.
"I need you to know that you're mine alone. 'Cause I fuckin' dragged you through those woods, I kept you safe and I took care of ya. You're mine. So you're not gonna act like a cheap whore around them, is that clear? Not on Saturday at Tommy's birthday party, not on New Year's Eve and not at any event in the future."
He was all the way inside you now, and you felt his hips grind against yours, giving you a taste of him without thrusting yet.
"You can be a cheap whore around me, but not around them. I want every man to know that this pussy's mine. I don't care what I gotta do to achieve that, princess."
Joel started moving so abruptly that you choked on your spit and coughed a few times while his pelvis crashed into yours.
"Owww…" you howled, your hands wriggling under his grasp, but he only tightened it in response. You were a little frightened of slipping on the wet floor with your hands unable to support your fall, but at the same time, you trusted Joel enough to know that he would catch you before your head hit the wall.
"That's it, baby. Scream louder and they're all gonna hear… I don't care what it takes. I need them to stay the hell away from ya. Do you know why?"
As he no longer needed his hand to push his cock inside you, Joel brought it back to your breasts, pinching your sore nipples a few times before reaching for your throat, which looked much too delicate for him to ignore.
"N-No," you whimpered and arched away from the tiles a little to offer him a better angle as he slammed his fat dick inside you.
"'Cause you're pretty, sweetheart. You're too pretty for your own good. You don't even know what effect you have on all those old fuckers. They probably haven't felt a thing down there for years… And now they see someone like you walk through the gates and suddenly they remember that they got a cock and how much they used to like a woman's tits."
"Joel," you yelped, not so much in reaction to his words but rather to his balls smacking your core. They were heavy and hot, ready to spill the seed they carried between your snug walls and pump you full of it.
"I know, pretty girl… It's okay. I'm gonna take care of ya. You don't need to worry your pretty little head about 'em. As long as you do as I say and behave. I'm gonna keep 'em away, protect you from them. So that we can go home every night and I can rail your tight cunt like that… That's what you like, mhm? Bein' mine… Bein' taken care of and getting fucked in your perfect pussy every day."
It was almost embarrassing how flushed with blood your cheeks were, how much adrenaline was coursing through your veins just because he had used the words mine and protect a few times. It was just that Joel couldn't have been more right, which was why you nodded and let out a desperate "Yes… Yes, please."
Joel smacked your butt harshly, interrupting his rapid thrusts for a few seconds. His fingers gripped your neck firmly, swaying your head to the side just because he could. At least, that was what it felt like to you. Like Joel wanted to put his power on display, showing you that he wasn't just in control of your body but also your feelings and who you belonged to.
"I need you, Joel," you whispered, your tone carrying so much emotional weight and meaning that your breath hitched in your throat, fresh tears welling on your waterline.
"I know you do. You depend on me. Ever since I saved ya from those raiders in Kansas City. So you're gonna stay mine. No matter how many men I gotta scare away. I'll be happy to do that, princess."
Joel nudged his nose against the back of your head, your scent somehow different than before when he had fucked you against a tree or a stained mattress, but through the smell of the soap it was still you. Through every fiber.
Joel liked to think of the two of you as linked souls. After all those times he had put his hands on you, left his mark on you in the form of filling you up with his cum or driving his teeth into your neck, you were clearly carrying his scent in such a profound manner that you would never be able to scrub it off your body. The way he had claimed you seeped through all those layers, through your skin and bones right into the depths of your heart.
"Joel, s-so much," you stuttered, finally a little more unrestrained in how you talked to him. "So much, Joel, fuck…"
He gently squeezed your throat, his rough skin feeling obscenely hard against your much softer one. That was just another perk of being with him, Joel found. He kept you safe, threw himself between you and a raging infected to drive his knife into its throat before it could attack you.
Consequently, his skin became raw and coarse from gripping the handle of his gun or the handle of his knife tightly, whereas yours remained smooth like silk. It was your beauty against your safety, and you were happy to let him touch your flawless skin if it meant being protected by that man who sometimes resembled a large bear more than a man. At least you thought that way while watching him fight off infected or raiders.
"It's okay, baby… Let it happen, alright? Let daddy in… just like that, yeah."
He felt you loosen up underneath his grasp, your neck stopping its flexing and your body hunching forward. Joel immediately seized that little space, just like he wanted to occupy every part of your life, and stepped closer, your whole front pressed against the cold wall. With his hot, muscular body right behind you, it was endurable, though. It was more than endurable. The sensation was incredible, the contrast so sharp that you forgot everything about time and space, who you were and where up and down were. His hand constricting your airflow only made it more intense.
"That's it, sweetheart… Just like that. S'what it's supposed to feel like, you understand that? Just like this. And no one else can give you that. None of these men eyein' you up and down like you're some piece of fresh meat. They wouldn't make it feel like that. Only I can. Only I know your body like that."
The hand around your wrists relaxed its tight grasp, allowing you to dangle them at your sides. When you felt his hand at your pussy, you understood why he had released you. The quick, pointed swipes over your clit made your knees buckle at once, your hands slamming against the wall for support.
"Shh… I know. Look at you… So beautifully responsive. Just like a 'lil slut's supposed to be. S'how I know that you're only supposed to be my slut. 'Cause I hear how your pretty pussy cries for me."
He was probably referring to the primal noises his dick inside you produced, or maybe to his finger circling your clit. You didn't know, and you didn't care. All you cared about was getting him to go even deeper, no matter if it was physically possible or not.
As his hand tightened around your throat, you desperately pawed at his hairy thighs behind you, both pushing him away and pulling him closer. Your mind was somewhere else, body and brain separated in a way that made your words, your actions and your thoughts fail to align. There was chaos everywhere, which was why you could count yourself lucky that the man behind you hated chaos. He was there to fix it and bring order to the mess that you were.
"J-Joel," you cried against the firm hold he had on your neck, mouth falling open when he began to synchronize the touch of his thumb with the thrusts of his cock. Sometimes he waited for a beat, just watching you quiver and whimper with an evil grin on his lips, then delivered a few borderline painful thrusts inside you and set off a firework of pleasure across your clit. That was when your muscles slackened and you would have fallen to the ground had Joel not pushed you into the wall with his whole weight.
"Perfect princess… Almost like a 'lil fucktoy, jesus… I really just wanna wrap ya up when I'm done with you and throw you onto the bed. Fuck your brains out 'til my cock's gonna be drained for days. I know you'd take it all. I know your weak 'lil body would pass out on me but you'd still be cryin' my name in your sleep. Your pussy would still suck me in like the greedy 'lil thing she is. Ain't that right, sugarplum?"
By now, you were letting the tears flow as they mixed with the water streaming down the wall. You couldn't perceive any of it. Not the temperature of the water, not the color of the tiles, not even his words. It was probably for the better since they would have made you spiral even harder than you already were and you might have fallen into some sort of pleasure coma. If something like that existed.
"Your body was fuckin' made for me, baby… And I don't like sharin' ya with anyone. S'why I don't like this very much…" Joel yanked you back by your neck, pinning your head against his collarbone to get a look at the tears relentlessly trickling down your cheeks.
"I like havin' this shower and getting to fuck ya as many times as I want to. But I don't like these people here… I don't even want 'em to see ya. It'll only get their minds goin'. I can see in their faces what they're thinkin' about but I can't do anything about it. 'Cause unfortunately, they're allowed to watch… they can think about all the positions they'd like to fuck you in… And it drives me really fuckin' mad, babygirl. I wish I could just lock you in the house like a good 'lil pet that waits for me when I come home."
You howled as his hand gently swatted your throbbing clit before you finally came with a weak sob. In response, Joel pressed his hand over your mouth, not to conceal what the two of you were doing in the shower the way he had been forced to during your time in the woods. He just did it… because he could. Because he liked to hear your broken weeping muffled by his heavy palm that swallowed most of your face.
"That's it, princess. Like that, you 'lil slut. Soak my cock, fuck… squeezin' me so fuckin' good."
His grip grew narrower as Joel approached his orgasm. His nails dug into your flesh, surely leaving a mark or two, but since you were still floating on a cloud, you barely felt the pain.
He brutally forced his cock between your fluttering walls, which always clamped during your high. But Joel showed no mercy. He wanted his cum to reach every last corner of your insides, paint your cervix and preferably shoot so deeply inside you that none of it would leak out after he had pulled out. Therefore, he used a bit of his strength and drove his hips into yours even as you were whimpering in pain, fighting your body's urge to cramp up.
"Sh, baby. Shh, relax for daddy. Holy shit… Your pussy's such a naughty 'lil thing, ain't she?" Joel seized your hands once more, holding them behind your back to stop you from pushing against his hips. "First, she's beggin' me to destroy 'er and now that daddy's pumpin' 'er full, she's clenchin' so hard, barely lettin' me in… Or maybe she likes it that way, mhm? Likes when it hurts a little."
"Owww," you yelped, toes curling at the sting that spread through your lower tummy as Joel went way past your limits over and over, opening you up with no regard for the sensitivity and soreness diffusing in your core after your orgasm.
At some point, you found yourself wondering how much longer it was going to take until he finished, but it seemed like Joel was drawing out the moment as long as he physically could.
Then, it was over all of a sudden, and for a split second, you wished nothing more than for him to slip back inside. Not only did you feel cold, but your cunt was also clenching desperately, searching for something to hold onto.
"Joel," you whispered. Something was still rolling down your face, but at this point, it could be either your tears or the shower water.
"Goddamnit," he cursed, smacking your backside again. "Shit, baby… I don't know what to do with ya… you got any suggestions?"
He laughed, brushing your hair back to slide his big hand down your arm.
"Need you," you pressed and gasped softly when he turned you around.
"I know you do, kitten. And that's all that matters. You don't need anything but me. That pretty head doesn't have to think of anyone but me. And I'm gonna prove it to ya as many times as it takes."
Joel's thoughts were already running fast, like the little drops coming from the shower head.
He had all the time in the world. It wasn't long past six o'clock, so he had plenty of hours before he would go to bed…
He would show it all to you.
The things he had planned in his head while traveling through the country with you, all those times he had pictured you in new positions, dressed in his favorite outfits, doing things that had technically been impossible out there.
But now the door was open, and goddamnit, he would make use of it. Now. Tomorrow. For the rest of his life.
Just some unholy, filthy Joel x f!reader smut in the shower...
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, rough sex, oral sex (m receiving), dom!Joel, choking, reader makes herself gag around him, dirty talk, lots of degradation and humiliation, fingering, overstimulation, praise, possessiveness, name calling (slut, whore, babygirl), size kink, hand over mouth, Joel is absolutely feral for you and fucks your brains out, jealousy, slut shaming, dom/sub dynamic, fluff, obsessive and controlling Joel, established relationship, Jackson!Joel, implied age gap
Wordcount: 6,522
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Joel gritted his teeth, pushing you forward with a little more force than necessary to signal you to approach the wall. You understood the message either way, stumbling forward rather than walking that single step.
The shower was narrow and tight, leaving barely enough room for two people to stand comfortably while soaping their bodies, but that was only more reason to minimize the space between the two of you, Joel found. Besides, he could always justify their feral behavior in the shower by claiming that he wanted to save water.
And then there was the fact that both of you, having traveled through the country for months without any running water aside from the currents the two of you had stumbled upon, definitely had a lot to catch up on. The experience of warm, clear water trickling down one's neck was something Joel had never appreciated enough before the outbreak. Now, twenty years later, living in Jackson, he had discovered it again, and he couldn't get enough of it. Especially when you joined him in the shower.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," you whimpered, feeling his hand stall along your slit with just enough friction to kindle a small fire within you.
"I know, baby… You like that, don't you?" His nose scrunched against the back of your wet scalp, smelling your hair, which his calloused hands had already kneaded clean a few minutes prior. Well, perhaps the two of you would have to wash your bodies again after you were done here. At least, Joel could already feel sweat pooling on his brow, although it was quickly swept away by the water crackling down on your heads.
As he didn't receive an answer, he slapped your butt harshly, the noise even louder as it echoed off the high tiles of the bathroom.
"Answer me. Or I'm gonna stop right here, right now… Use your mouth. Or do I have to remind you that you got one that works pretty well." His strong arms stirred when you still hesitated to open your mouth, too focused on not losing your mind over his thumb flicking your clit to the side.
Truthfully, you were feeling a bit anxious. Not because of Joel's lingering touch, of course, but rather because you had been marked by the many times the two of you had made use of what you had during your travels across the continent.
The days had been rough, and so had the places you had slept. Tents, rancid beds in abandoned cabins, and the steel-hard floors of buildings that had once been offices and now emitted a cold dullness. Still, Joel and you were two human beings who felt attracted to each other, which was why you had often ended up trapped between your partner's broad body and the ground while his cock and fingers had driven you to your high within minutes. Those were the times when you had had to stay quiet. Not only because your moans would have bounced off the ceiling and circulated throughout the whole building like a disease, but especially because neither of you knew what creatures were strolling in the basement.
You hadn't just gotten used to keeping your voice down while Joel's hard cock was pounding your pussy, no, you had quite literally been drilled to feel your heart skip a beat whenever a noise spilled out of your throat. Most of the time, it had been Joel pressing a hand over your mouth, his grip tightening around your throat, or whatever body part of yours he could grab first. In your opinion, it wasn't surprising that you were still trained to keep your mouth shut.
Perhaps you would learn to properly enjoy yourself again after a few months in Jackson, but for now, anxiety instinctively rose in your belly every time Joel asked you to speak up or stop holding back on him.
Consequently, you didn't reply to him even after his repeated question, resulting in his large hand pulling you down by your wrist.
"Alright, you wanted it that way," he growled between clenched teeth, eyes spitting fire while your knees uncomfortably scraped the floor beneath you. "So I gotta remind ya, mhm? That you got a fuckin' mouth, and a fuckin' tongue that's supposed to move when I tell ya so. Open your mouth."
You had to tilt your head a little and flinched when you felt water drops fall right into your eyes. It definitely wasn't a suitable position to give someone a blow job, but you didn't consider rejecting your boyfriend for an instant. In fact, that thought didn't even race through your mind. Maybe this was another effect of the past months spent far out in the country. When you traveled alone with a man, saw that same face night and day, and simultaneously felt your personal need to be intimate with someone increase, there were not a lot of options.
Joel and you had made it five whole days before the two of you had shared a sleeping bag for the first time. To prevent freezing to death, of course. After that, it had become routine, letting off steam at the end of the day, finding something similar to solace.
The way you touched each other varied day to day, you figured. At times, there had been nothing soft or gentle about the way his cock had impaled your cunt, whereas other times, you had felt like what you were doing could be called making love. It hadn't just been about Joel emptying his balls inside you or releasing some endorphins, but about appreciating a close emotional proximity that didn't just serve the purpose of satisfying each other like two feral animals. Sometimes, Joel had stayed inside you longer than necessary and had even bothered to help you get dressed afterward.
But at the end of the day, despite traveling alone and without a larger group, there had always been complications, such as exhaustion, tiredness, an unsuitable sleeping place, or the stress that just wasn't wearing off no matter how much effort you put into relaxing. On some days, Joel couldn't get hard, and on other days you were too cramped to let him in. You assumed that there was some correlation to the events that had happened throughout the day, but since there was nothing you had been able to do about it, you had just accepted the way your bodies functioned and instead went to bed.
Therefore, the two of you had a lot of yearning to make up for. All those times, you had lain on your side, head full of worries and concerns you wished you could turn off like a light switch. There was the question of what to eat tomorrow, where to sleep, whether the two of you would make it out of the QZ, and which road to take without a map to guide you. The only way, at least the only way accessible to you, was to be with Joel, his cock or hands shutting your brain off for at least fifteen minutes. But when the circumstances wouldn't allow it, all you could do was think about it and wish you were someplace else.
Exactly like you were now.
Now, living in Jackson, Joel and you could fuck all day, and nobody cared. You could use every piece of furniture, spend hours touching each other's bodies without rush, and repeat it as many times as you liked in comfortable places that didn't involve wet forest soil seeping through your clothes. You were hungry for each other, it was that simple.
"Good girl," Joel now praised, eyes skimming over your widely parted lips. "Now I want ya to go slowly, babygirl. Can ya do that?"
You nodded slowly, gaze traveling along his immense manhood, which always slapped against his soft belly so seductively when the two of you had been making out for some time.
You didn't know what you craved more, kissing the faint bulge of his tummy or licking across the tip of his cock, which looked so red and plump. But since Joel made the choice for you, you shifted a little closer to him, eyes wide and glued to his cock like you were hypnotized by the beauty of his impressive length.
"Slowly. Trace the veins, baby. Like I taught you."
It wasn't like you had needed a teacher to show you how to give a blowjob, goddamnit. You had been with guys before Joel had come into your life, yet it really did feel like he had opened your world to utterly new ways of pleasing a man. Joel had a very particular idea of how you were supposed to take him into your mouth and how to stimulate his member, which you had been quick to adapt to.
He didn't do the work. This was one of the first lessons you had learned. He was more than happy to be the active one when he had you pinned on the floor beneath him, rapidly snapping his hips into yours as he fucked your brains out, but while he was receiving pleasure from you, he leaned back. Watched you, enjoyed you, relaxed.
He still told you how he wanted it and radiated a certain dominance even while doing nothing, but he mostly kept his hands to himself aside from occasionally threading them through your hair.
Joel hummed tenderly when you darted your tongue out, but apart from that, you didn't receive much affirmation that you were doing well. Which wasn't new or unfamiliar to you. At this point, it didn't unsettle you anymore, so you didn't let his silence distract you, and you licked along his bulging veins just the way he liked it. You were careful to capture all of it, every centimeter from his base up to his tip, then made your way back down.
Your knees hurt terribly, but it wasn't worse than the knife of a raider shoved into your shinbone, so you managed. The water dripping onto your face stung your eyes, but it wasn't worse than wandering through the woods in the rain with your body soaked to the bone. At least the water was warm and felt nice the moment it left your eyes to run down your face.
"Good girl. Show me your tongue," Joel commanded, placing his heavy palm on top of your head as if to pet his favorite dog. Once you had obeyed, you felt him shift his weight to his other foot in order to have a better view of your flat tongue.
"Good. Go on now. Every single vein."
He didn't have to ask you again. Licking his massive dick, showing your admiration and awe for him in such a primal and filthy way was one of your favorite things in the world. You really did feel like worshipping his manhood by affectionately trailing along every single bulging vein and the curve of him, and it was precisely how you were feeling. Besides, you had done this so many times before that it felt as though your muscles had memorized the exact shape and texture of him, his form engraved in your tongue and surely in your pussy walls as well, given the many times he had scraped his cock along your insides.
"You look really good down there, baby… Should do this in the shower more often. Makes it less dirty."
Once again, a side effect of your long journey through the wild.
After having had no choice but to watch your face get coated in his precum, your drool, and eventually even his seed, Joel liked it clean and neat nowadays. He owned towels and tissues, so why not make use of them?
"Yeah," you agreed, licking a generous stripe from his balls up his length while carefully circling the tip with your thumb.
"Okay, enough," Joel then said after a few minutes, tapping his fingers on your scalp. "Suck on it. Slowly 'n' just the tip. You're not gonna do more than I tell you, are we clear?"
"Yes, Joel," you breathed, exactly like you knew he enjoyed it.
Joel wanted order and compliance, a clear and unambiguous hierarchy and someone who listened to him without any second thoughts. He hated chaos and spontaneous choices but loved it when you did precisely what he told you. When you waited to touch his cock until he had given you permission to bring your hand closer.
The tip of his dick disappeared between your soft lips, your lashes fluttering while you gazed up at him. The problem definitely wasn't how deep he pressed against your throat walls but the water filling your eyes.
"Suck it, babygirl," Joel repeated, his lips parting just a little further as you obeyed. He was rock hard against your mouth, so you doubted that this was anything but a punishment for being unable to use your voice while you were with him, but it didn't really feel like it. Every second you got to spend with your face pressed against his center was a blessing to you, and you liked to believe that the events of the past weeks were not the only reason for your emotions regarding this. Joel was a handsome man, so anyone would be lucky to have him all to themselves.
You suckled on his tip gently, hoping that you were doing well, but you couldn't think of anything you might be failing to pay attention to right now. You didn't shift too much — Joel didn't like that — and you focused on his tip without using your tongue too extensively.
"Gosh… sweetheart. You're really good at this. I taught you well. S'almost a 'lil boring, ain't it?"
Your eyes widened, taking in his narrow, dark gaze roaming your body as if to assess what to do with you next.
"Ain't got no reason to punish you. Except for not respondin' of course. But apart from that… All I can do is tell you that you're doin' well."
Even though you wanted to tell him that you were convinced that was a good thing, you didn't dare pull away from him without his explicit command.
Instead you hollowed your cheeks, heart stumbling at the way Joel's head rested against the wall behind him, his neck flexed like his body was under high pressure. You were doing well. He liked it.
"Use your tongue. And go deeper, sweetheart. Just a 'lil bit… Halfway."
You nodded lightly, just enough to show Joel that you had understood and knew what to do, and then allowed more of him to slide down your throat. By now, you had a very good idea of how many inches you were taking based on how he felt against your throat, and stopped when his tip was about to nudge against your palate. Yes, that was how big he was.
In the beginning, he had simply been too big for both your throat and pussy, but he had made it work. That was what he had whispered in your ear while you had trembled and whimpered, your blood running cold with the fear of forever being incapable of adjusting to his size.
I'm gonna make it fit. It's gonna be okay, he had murmured, which had soothed you surprisingly well and led you to discover a new side of him. A softer, more caring one, although you had to admit that that side of him was revealed most of the time when Joel wanted something. Such as your throat and your pussy.
But now, you were skilled and your throat was trained to take more of him.
You exhaled heavily through your nose, closing your eyes as you covered your teeth with your lips.
"You're a good 'lil pet, baby… Listenin' so well… That's how I can tell that this is exactly what you're supposed to do. Where you're supposed to be."
You knew that Joel wasn't making you suck his cock to cum down your throat. He liked blowjobs, no matter if they were messy, lazy, or passionate, but this man liked to fuck. Sliding his dick past your lips was almost always just a preparation for what was to come or one of his twisted games that were supposed to teach you a lesson.
Still, you put everything into it, bobbing your head around the upper part of his cock while your tongue played with his veins and the precum gathering at his tip. You switched quickly between forceful sucks, teasing swipes across his length, and steady stimulation in the form of your stretched lips brushing against him. And Joel seemed satisfied. He had yet to say much and limited himself to occasionally grunting under his breath or cursing quietly, but you knew that if you were doing a poor job, he would have stopped you by now.
"All the way now, kitten," he suddenly said, the few words hanging in the moist air a little longer than usual because of the empty space of the shower. "I want you to gag on it. Let's make it… three times. I'm feelin' nice today."
You granted yourself a few seconds to catch your breath, knees shifting across the cold floor to find a position that was just a little bit more comfortable for your raw skin.
"Yes, Joel."
"And you know the rules. Don't push yourself too far, alright?"
Nodding again, you straightened up, trying to hide the pain shooting through your kneecaps. Perhaps Joel would have cared if you told him, but perhaps not. In any case, what did it matter? You wanted to finish what you had started in the shower with him, not on some stupid carpet or the bed.
"Three times, babygirl. If you're gonna be good, I'll let you stand, 'n' I'm gonna fuck this pussy nicely. Do you want that?"
"Yes, Joel," you whined, feeling surprised by how vocal he was being with you. Well, maybe he was just in a good mood. Or today wasn't all about getting rid of accumulated tension or anger but rather actually relishing some time shared with you.
His promise gave you the motivation to get it over with quickly so that you could have his massive, broad frame pressed against your back. You were a little cold on the ground and you really wanted to stretch out your legs before they grew even more numb.
"Go on… Show me how good you can be. How well I taught you. The water's no problem for you, is it?"
"No, Joel," you assured him, pressing his tip against your lips. "I can do it."
"I knew you would say that, sweetheart… C'mon now. Ain't got all day, mhm?"
Actually, the two of you had all day, but you presumed that Joel just used that phrasing to emphasize the fact that he was growing impatient.
"Ohh fuck… baby. That's it. All the way inside there where it belongs. Yes."
You swallowed hard, your heart thumping in your chest like it always did when you were about to consciously make yourself gag on his cock. The way your body reacted to your nervousness just didn't change, no matter how many times Joel had asked that of you.
You went deeper, deeper than your body was supposed to go. Deeper than your throat could take, but that was the plan after all. That was what Joel wanted from you.
Around three quarters of his length were snug within you when you had to close your eyes. A low growl escaped Joel's lips, which gave you the ambition to continue, and then, there it was. You choked, your body recoiling as you immediately pulled back. He was okay with that, the rules only said that you had to make yourself gag. Joel didn't care how fast you slipped him out of your mouth after that.
Cheeks burning with searing heat, you coughed a couple of times, your body losing its upright posture as you writhed and squirmed below him.
"Good… Good, baby. That was the first. You think you can give me two more?"
Of course you could. You just needed a little bit of time between each one.
"Yes," you whispered, voice raspy and coarse already after the first.
"Alright. Look at me. I don't care how deep you go, just wanna see your pretty eyes and hear ya gag. That's all."
"Yes, Joel." You brushed the wet strands hanging in your face back and tucked them behind your ears to make everything a little tidier.
Then you repeated what you had just done, all while keeping your eyes open and glued to his face. It wasn't a very unpleasant task since his features looked like they were carved by God himself and you tended to get lost in his handsome face pretty often, but your eyes still teared up. The secret to it was letting them go and accepting that your tears were running down your skin until they hit Joel's cock. But since he didn't seem to mind, you fully ignored the wetness and kept peering up at him.
That second gag was harder due to the fact that you had to concentrate on more things than just his manhood kissing the back of your throat, but you proudly managed. After your body had calmed down, the ripples and uneven coughs slowly abating, Joel reached out to snatch your chin.
"Gosh… I don't even know what to do with ya. If I should feel proud of you for listenin' so well or be disgusted by you actin' like a cheap whore."
His words sent tingles down your spine, the good and the bad ones alike. You sniffled gently, wiping your nose with the back of your hand.
"I guess I can make my peace with you bein' a cheap whore. The only thing I'm concerned about really is you bein' a slut for other men here in Jackson."
Joel absent-mindedly toyed with your hair, watching it give way to his fingers, then pulled you up by your arm all of a sudden. As you hadn't expected it at all and had just braced yourself for the last round, you squeaked and nearly lost your balance on the slippery floor. But Joel had you securely in his hold, spun you around so quickly your head throbbed, and pressed you face first against the wall.
"Joel," you whimpered, feeling so overwhelmed and maybe even a little disappointed. You would have liked to properly finish the task that you had been given, but it seemed like Joel had other plans for you.
"I didn't care about you bein' a cheap whore while we were out there…" he rambled on while nudging the tip of his cock against your tight entrance, his other hand draped around your middle to grope your tits.
"T'wasn't important 'cause we were the only ones out there. But here… they're all touch-starved, you know? You think any of these guys would reject you, baby? Fuck, even Tommy wouldn't push ya away."
You highly doubted that since his brother was happily married to Maria, but you were too distracted by his cock gathering your wetness to correct him. Joel pushed inside slowly, savoring how your walls welcomed him sluggishly, as though they weren't sure yet whether your boyfriend was a welcome guest.
"They would all fuck ya if they had the chance, babygirl. And that's okay… As long as they keep their hands to themselves and remember that you're mine. But I need you to know something for that. Do you know what?"
"W-What?" you asked breathlessly, your right cheek pressed against the wet tiles while Joel pinned both your wrists to your lower back.
All of this was so fucking obscene, so shameless and bad, but you just couldn't help but love every second. The way he was talking about you, like you were some valuable prize, nothing more than an object that anybody who owned it could be lucky to possess. And the way he had your body under control… how he was caging you in, using his body weight to pin you in place and his large hands to trap both your wrists in one of his. The other was free to guide his manhood deeper inside you, splitting you open on his cock, which was so thick that you were completely aware of every part of your body, your pussy first and foremost.
"I need you to know that you're mine alone. 'Cause I fuckin' dragged you through those woods, I kept you safe and I took care of ya. You're mine. So you're not gonna act like a cheap whore around them, is that clear? Not on Saturday at Tommy's birthday party, not on New Year's Eve and not at any event in the future."
He was all the way inside you now, and you felt his hips grind against yours, giving you a taste of him without thrusting yet.
"You can be a cheap whore around me, but not around them. I want every man to know that this pussy's mine. I don't care what I gotta do to achieve that, princess."
Joel started moving so abruptly that you choked on your spit and coughed a few times while his pelvis crashed into yours.
"Owww…" you howled, your hands wriggling under his grasp, but he only tightened it in response. You were a little frightened of slipping on the wet floor with your hands unable to support your fall, but at the same time, you trusted Joel enough to know that he would catch you before your head hit the wall.
"That's it, baby. Scream louder and they're all gonna hear… I don't care what it takes. I need them to stay the hell away from ya. Do you know why?"
As he no longer needed his hand to push his cock inside you, Joel brought it back to your breasts, pinching your sore nipples a few times before reaching for your throat, which looked much too delicate for him to ignore.
"N-No," you whimpered and arched away from the tiles a little to offer him a better angle as he slammed his fat dick inside you.
"'Cause you're pretty, sweetheart. You're too pretty for your own good. You don't even know what effect you have on all those old fuckers. They probably haven't felt a thing down there for years… And now they see someone like you walk through the gates and suddenly they remember that they got a cock and how much they used to like a woman's tits."
"Joel," you yelped, not so much in reaction to his words but rather to his balls smacking your core. They were heavy and hot, ready to spill the seed they carried between your snug walls and pump you full of it.
"I know, pretty girl… It's okay. I'm gonna take care of ya. You don't need to worry your pretty little head about 'em. As long as you do as I say and behave. I'm gonna keep 'em away, protect you from them. So that we can go home every night and I can rail your tight cunt like that… That's what you like, mhm? Bein' mine… Bein' taken care of and getting fucked in your perfect pussy every day."
It was almost embarrassing how flushed with blood your cheeks were, how much adrenaline was coursing through your veins just because he had used the words mine and protect a few times. It was just that Joel couldn't have been more right, which was why you nodded and let out a desperate "Yes… Yes, please."
Joel smacked your butt harshly, interrupting his rapid thrusts for a few seconds. His fingers gripped your neck firmly, swaying your head to the side just because he could. At least, that was what it felt like to you. Like Joel wanted to put his power on display, showing you that he wasn't just in control of your body but also your feelings and who you belonged to.
"I need you, Joel," you whispered, your tone carrying so much emotional weight and meaning that your breath hitched in your throat, fresh tears welling on your waterline.
"I know you do. You depend on me. Ever since I saved ya from those raiders in Kansas City. So you're gonna stay mine. No matter how many men I gotta scare away. I'll be happy to do that, princess."
Joel nudged his nose against the back of your head, your scent somehow different than before when he had fucked you against a tree or a stained mattress, but through the smell of the soap it was still you. Through every fiber.
Joel liked to think of the two of you as linked souls. After all those times he had put his hands on you, left his mark on you in the form of filling you up with his cum or driving his teeth into your neck, you were clearly carrying his scent in such a profound manner that you would never be able to scrub it off your body. The way he had claimed you seeped through all those layers, through your skin and bones right into the depths of your heart.
"Joel, s-so much," you stuttered, finally a little more unrestrained in how you talked to him. "So much, Joel, fuck…"
He gently squeezed your throat, his rough skin feeling obscenely hard against your much softer one. That was just another perk of being with him, Joel found. He kept you safe, threw himself between you and a raging infected to drive his knife into its throat before it could attack you.
Consequently, his skin became raw and coarse from gripping the handle of his gun or the handle of his knife tightly, whereas yours remained smooth like silk. It was your beauty against your safety, and you were happy to let him touch your flawless skin if it meant being protected by that man who sometimes resembled a large bear more than a man. At least you thought that way while watching him fight off infected or raiders.
"It's okay, baby… Let it happen, alright? Let daddy in… just like that, yeah."
He felt you loosen up underneath his grasp, your neck stopping its flexing and your body hunching forward. Joel immediately seized that little space, just like he wanted to occupy every part of your life, and stepped closer, your whole front pressed against the cold wall. With his hot, muscular body right behind you, it was endurable, though. It was more than endurable. The sensation was incredible, the contrast so sharp that you forgot everything about time and space, who you were and where up and down were. His hand constricting your airflow only made it more intense.
"That's it, sweetheart… Just like that. S'what it's supposed to feel like, you understand that? Just like this. And no one else can give you that. None of these men eyein' you up and down like you're some piece of fresh meat. They wouldn't make it feel like that. Only I can. Only I know your body like that."
The hand around your wrists relaxed its tight grasp, allowing you to dangle them at your sides. When you felt his hand at your pussy, you understood why he had released you. The quick, pointed swipes over your clit made your knees buckle at once, your hands slamming against the wall for support.
"Shh… I know. Look at you… So beautifully responsive. Just like a 'lil slut's supposed to be. S'how I know that you're only supposed to be my slut. 'Cause I hear how your pretty pussy cries for me."
He was probably referring to the primal noises his dick inside you produced, or maybe to his finger circling your clit. You didn't know, and you didn't care. All you cared about was getting him to go even deeper, no matter if it was physically possible or not.
As his hand tightened around your throat, you desperately pawed at his hairy thighs behind you, both pushing him away and pulling him closer. Your mind was somewhere else, body and brain separated in a way that made your words, your actions and your thoughts fail to align. There was chaos everywhere, which was why you could count yourself lucky that the man behind you hated chaos. He was there to fix it and bring order to the mess that you were.
"J-Joel," you cried against the firm hold he had on your neck, mouth falling open when he began to synchronize the touch of his thumb with the thrusts of his cock. Sometimes he waited for a beat, just watching you quiver and whimper with an evil grin on his lips, then delivered a few borderline painful thrusts inside you and set off a firework of pleasure across your clit. That was when your muscles slackened and you would have fallen to the ground had Joel not pushed you into the wall with his whole weight.
"Perfect princess… Almost like a 'lil fucktoy, jesus… I really just wanna wrap ya up when I'm done with you and throw you onto the bed. Fuck your brains out 'til my cock's gonna be drained for days. I know you'd take it all. I know your weak 'lil body would pass out on me but you'd still be cryin' my name in your sleep. Your pussy would still suck me in like the greedy 'lil thing she is. Ain't that right, sugarplum?"
By now, you were letting the tears flow as they mixed with the water streaming down the wall. You couldn't perceive any of it. Not the temperature of the water, not the color of the tiles, not even his words. It was probably for the better since they would have made you spiral even harder than you already were and you might have fallen into some sort of pleasure coma. If something like that existed.
"Your body was fuckin' made for me, baby… And I don't like sharin' ya with anyone. S'why I don't like this very much…" Joel yanked you back by your neck, pinning your head against his collarbone to get a look at the tears relentlessly trickling down your cheeks.
"I like havin' this shower and getting to fuck ya as many times as I want to. But I don't like these people here… I don't even want 'em to see ya. It'll only get their minds goin'. I can see in their faces what they're thinkin' about but I can't do anything about it. 'Cause unfortunately, they're allowed to watch… they can think about all the positions they'd like to fuck you in… And it drives me really fuckin' mad, babygirl. I wish I could just lock you in the house like a good 'lil pet that waits for me when I come home."
You howled as his hand gently swatted your throbbing clit before you finally came with a weak sob. In response, Joel pressed his hand over your mouth, not to conceal what the two of you were doing in the shower the way he had been forced to during your time in the woods. He just did it… because he could. Because he liked to hear your broken weeping muffled by his heavy palm that swallowed most of your face.
"That's it, princess. Like that, you 'lil slut. Soak my cock, fuck… squeezin' me so fuckin' good."
His grip grew narrower as Joel approached his orgasm. His nails dug into your flesh, surely leaving a mark or two, but since you were still floating on a cloud, you barely felt the pain.
He brutally forced his cock between your fluttering walls, which always clamped during your high. But Joel showed no mercy. He wanted his cum to reach every last corner of your insides, paint your cervix and preferably shoot so deeply inside you that none of it would leak out after he had pulled out. Therefore, he used a bit of his strength and drove his hips into yours even as you were whimpering in pain, fighting your body's urge to cramp up.
"Sh, baby. Shh, relax for daddy. Holy shit… Your pussy's such a naughty 'lil thing, ain't she?" Joel seized your hands once more, holding them behind your back to stop you from pushing against his hips. "First, she's beggin' me to destroy 'er and now that daddy's pumpin' 'er full, she's clenchin' so hard, barely lettin' me in… Or maybe she likes it that way, mhm? Likes when it hurts a little."
"Owww," you yelped, toes curling at the sting that spread through your lower tummy as Joel went way past your limits over and over, opening you up with no regard for the sensitivity and soreness diffusing in your core after your orgasm.
At some point, you found yourself wondering how much longer it was going to take until he finished, but it seemed like Joel was drawing out the moment as long as he physically could.
Then, it was over all of a sudden, and for a split second, you wished nothing more than for him to slip back inside. Not only did you feel cold, but your cunt was also clenching desperately, searching for something to hold onto.
"Joel," you whispered. Something was still rolling down your face, but at this point, it could be either your tears or the shower water.
"Goddamnit," he cursed, smacking your backside again. "Shit, baby… I don't know what to do with ya… you got any suggestions?"
He laughed, brushing your hair back to slide his big hand down your arm.
"Need you," you pressed and gasped softly when he turned you around.
"I know you do, kitten. And that's all that matters. You don't need anything but me. That pretty head doesn't have to think of anyone but me. And I'm gonna prove it to ya as many times as it takes."
Joel's thoughts were already running fast, like the little drops coming from the shower head.
He had all the time in the world. It wasn't long past six o'clock, so he had plenty of hours before he would go to bed…
He would show it all to you.
The things he had planned in his head while traveling through the country with you, all those times he had pictured you in new positions, dressed in his favorite outfits, doing things that had technically been impossible out there.
But now the door was open, and goddamnit, he would make use of it. Now. Tomorrow. For the rest of his life.
Just some unholy, filthy Joel x f!reader smut in the shower...
Contains: smut, p in v, unprotected sex, creampie, rough sex, oral sex (m receiving), dom!Joel, choking, reader makes herself gag around him, dirty talk, lots of degradation and humiliation, fingering, overstimulation, praise, possessiveness, name calling (slut, whore, babygirl), size kink, hand over mouth, Joel is absolutely feral for you and fucks your brains out, jealousy, slut shaming, dom/sub dynamic, fluff, obsessive and controlling Joel, established relationship, Jackson!Joel, implied age gap
Wordcount: 6,522
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Joel gritted his teeth, pushing you forward with a little more force than necessary to signal you to approach the wall. You understood the message either way, stumbling forward rather than walking that single step.
The shower was narrow and tight, leaving barely enough room for two people to stand comfortably while soaping their bodies, but that was only more reason to minimize the space between the two of you, Joel found. Besides, he could always justify their feral behavior in the shower by claiming that he wanted to save water.
And then there was the fact that both of you, having traveled through the country for months without any running water aside from the currents the two of you had stumbled upon, definitely had a lot to catch up on. The experience of warm, clear water trickling down one's neck was something Joel had never appreciated enough before the outbreak. Now, twenty years later, living in Jackson, he had discovered it again, and he couldn't get enough of it. Especially when you joined him in the shower.
"Fuck… Joel, fuck," you whimpered, feeling his hand stall along your slit with just enough friction to kindle a small fire within you.
"I know, baby… You like that, don't you?" His nose scrunched against the back of your wet scalp, smelling your hair, which his calloused hands had already kneaded clean a few minutes prior. Well, perhaps the two of you would have to wash your bodies again after you were done here. At least, Joel could already feel sweat pooling on his brow, although it was quickly swept away by the water crackling down on your heads.
As he didn't receive an answer, he slapped your butt harshly, the noise even louder as it echoed off the high tiles of the bathroom.
"Answer me. Or I'm gonna stop right here, right now… Use your mouth. Or do I have to remind you that you got one that works pretty well." His strong arms stirred when you still hesitated to open your mouth, too focused on not losing your mind over his thumb flicking your clit to the side.
Truthfully, you were feeling a bit anxious. Not because of Joel's lingering touch, of course, but rather because you had been marked by the many times the two of you had made use of what you had during your travels across the continent.
The days had been rough, and so had the places you had slept. Tents, rancid beds in abandoned cabins, and the steel-hard floors of buildings that had once been offices and now emitted a cold dullness. Still, Joel and you were two human beings who felt attracted to each other, which was why you had often ended up trapped between your partner's broad body and the ground while his cock and fingers had driven you to your high within minutes. Those were the times when you had had to stay quiet. Not only because your moans would have bounced off the ceiling and circulated throughout the whole building like a disease, but especially because neither of you knew what creatures were strolling in the basement.
You hadn't just gotten used to keeping your voice down while Joel's hard cock was pounding your pussy, no, you had quite literally been drilled to feel your heart skip a beat whenever a noise spilled out of your throat. Most of the time, it had been Joel pressing a hand over your mouth, his grip tightening around your throat, or whatever body part of yours he could grab first. In your opinion, it wasn't surprising that you were still trained to keep your mouth shut.
Perhaps you would learn to properly enjoy yourself again after a few months in Jackson, but for now, anxiety instinctively rose in your belly every time Joel asked you to speak up or stop holding back on him.
Consequently, you didn't reply to him even after his repeated question, resulting in his large hand pulling you down by your wrist.
"Alright, you wanted it that way," he growled between clenched teeth, eyes spitting fire while your knees uncomfortably scraped the floor beneath you. "So I gotta remind ya, mhm? That you got a fuckin' mouth, and a fuckin' tongue that's supposed to move when I tell ya so. Open your mouth."
You had to tilt your head a little and flinched when you felt water drops fall right into your eyes. It definitely wasn't a suitable position to give someone a blow job, but you didn't consider rejecting your boyfriend for an instant. In fact, that thought didn't even race through your mind. Maybe this was another effect of the past months spent far out in the country. When you traveled alone with a man, saw that same face night and day, and simultaneously felt your personal need to be intimate with someone increase, there were not a lot of options.
Joel and you had made it five whole days before the two of you had shared a sleeping bag for the first time. To prevent freezing to death, of course. After that, it had become routine, letting off steam at the end of the day, finding something similar to solace.
The way you touched each other varied day to day, you figured. At times, there had been nothing soft or gentle about the way his cock had impaled your cunt, whereas other times, you had felt like what you were doing could be called making love. It hadn't just been about Joel emptying his balls inside you or releasing some endorphins, but about appreciating a close emotional proximity that didn't just serve the purpose of satisfying each other like two feral animals. Sometimes, Joel had stayed inside you longer than necessary and had even bothered to help you get dressed afterward.
But at the end of the day, despite traveling alone and without a larger group, there had always been complications, such as exhaustion, tiredness, an unsuitable sleeping place, or the stress that just wasn't wearing off no matter how much effort you put into relaxing. On some days, Joel couldn't get hard, and on other days you were too cramped to let him in. You assumed that there was some correlation to the events that had happened throughout the day, but since there was nothing you had been able to do about it, you had just accepted the way your bodies functioned and instead went to bed.
Therefore, the two of you had a lot of yearning to make up for. All those times, you had lain on your side, head full of worries and concerns you wished you could turn off like a light switch. There was the question of what to eat tomorrow, where to sleep, whether the two of you would make it out of the QZ, and which road to take without a map to guide you. The only way, at least the only way accessible to you, was to be with Joel, his cock or hands shutting your brain off for at least fifteen minutes. But when the circumstances wouldn't allow it, all you could do was think about it and wish you were someplace else.
Exactly like you were now.
Now, living in Jackson, Joel and you could fuck all day, and nobody cared. You could use every piece of furniture, spend hours touching each other's bodies without rush, and repeat it as many times as you liked in comfortable places that didn't involve wet forest soil seeping through your clothes. You were hungry for each other, it was that simple.
"Good girl," Joel now praised, eyes skimming over your widely parted lips. "Now I want ya to go slowly, babygirl. Can ya do that?"
You nodded slowly, gaze traveling along his immense manhood, which always slapped against his soft belly so seductively when the two of you had been making out for some time.
You didn't know what you craved more, kissing the faint bulge of his tummy or licking across the tip of his cock, which looked so red and plump. But since Joel made the choice for you, you shifted a little closer to him, eyes wide and glued to his cock like you were hypnotized by the beauty of his impressive length.
"Slowly. Trace the veins, baby. Like I taught you."
It wasn't like you had needed a teacher to show you how to give a blowjob, goddamnit. You had been with guys before Joel had come into your life, yet it really did feel like he had opened your world to utterly new ways of pleasing a man. Joel had a very particular idea of how you were supposed to take him into your mouth and how to stimulate his member, which you had been quick to adapt to.
He didn't do the work. This was one of the first lessons you had learned. He was more than happy to be the active one when he had you pinned on the floor beneath him, rapidly snapping his hips into yours as he fucked your brains out, but while he was receiving pleasure from you, he leaned back. Watched you, enjoyed you, relaxed.
He still told you how he wanted it and radiated a certain dominance even while doing nothing, but he mostly kept his hands to himself aside from occasionally threading them through your hair.
Joel hummed tenderly when you darted your tongue out, but apart from that, you didn't receive much affirmation that you were doing well. Which wasn't new or unfamiliar to you. At this point, it didn't unsettle you anymore, so you didn't let his silence distract you, and you licked along his bulging veins just the way he liked it. You were careful to capture all of it, every centimeter from his base up to his tip, then made your way back down.
Your knees hurt terribly, but it wasn't worse than the knife of a raider shoved into your shinbone, so you managed. The water dripping onto your face stung your eyes, but it wasn't worse than wandering through the woods in the rain with your body soaked to the bone. At least the water was warm and felt nice the moment it left your eyes to run down your face.
"Good girl. Show me your tongue," Joel commanded, placing his heavy palm on top of your head as if to pet his favorite dog. Once you had obeyed, you felt him shift his weight to his other foot in order to have a better view of your flat tongue.
"Good. Go on now. Every single vein."
He didn't have to ask you again. Licking his massive dick, showing your admiration and awe for him in such a primal and filthy way was one of your favorite things in the world. You really did feel like worshipping his manhood by affectionately trailing along every single bulging vein and the curve of him, and it was precisely how you were feeling. Besides, you had done this so many times before that it felt as though your muscles had memorized the exact shape and texture of him, his form engraved in your tongue and surely in your pussy walls as well, given the many times he had scraped his cock along your insides.
"You look really good down there, baby… Should do this in the shower more often. Makes it less dirty."
Once again, a side effect of your long journey through the wild.
After having had no choice but to watch your face get coated in his precum, your drool, and eventually even his seed, Joel liked it clean and neat nowadays. He owned towels and tissues, so why not make use of them?
"Yeah," you agreed, licking a generous stripe from his balls up his length while carefully circling the tip with your thumb.
"Okay, enough," Joel then said after a few minutes, tapping his fingers on your scalp. "Suck on it. Slowly 'n' just the tip. You're not gonna do more than I tell you, are we clear?"
"Yes, Joel," you breathed, exactly like you knew he enjoyed it.
Joel wanted order and compliance, a clear and unambiguous hierarchy and someone who listened to him without any second thoughts. He hated chaos and spontaneous choices but loved it when you did precisely what he told you. When you waited to touch his cock until he had given you permission to bring your hand closer.
The tip of his dick disappeared between your soft lips, your lashes fluttering while you gazed up at him. The problem definitely wasn't how deep he pressed against your throat walls but the water filling your eyes.
"Suck it, babygirl," Joel repeated, his lips parting just a little further as you obeyed. He was rock hard against your mouth, so you doubted that this was anything but a punishment for being unable to use your voice while you were with him, but it didn't really feel like it. Every second you got to spend with your face pressed against his center was a blessing to you, and you liked to believe that the events of the past weeks were not the only reason for your emotions regarding this. Joel was a handsome man, so anyone would be lucky to have him all to themselves.
You suckled on his tip gently, hoping that you were doing well, but you couldn't think of anything you might be failing to pay attention to right now. You didn't shift too much — Joel didn't like that — and you focused on his tip without using your tongue too extensively.
"Gosh… sweetheart. You're really good at this. I taught you well. S'almost a 'lil boring, ain't it?"
Your eyes widened, taking in his narrow, dark gaze roaming your body as if to assess what to do with you next.
"Ain't got no reason to punish you. Except for not respondin' of course. But apart from that… All I can do is tell you that you're doin' well."
Even though you wanted to tell him that you were convinced that was a good thing, you didn't dare pull away from him without his explicit command.
Instead you hollowed your cheeks, heart stumbling at the way Joel's head rested against the wall behind him, his neck flexed like his body was under high pressure. You were doing well. He liked it.
"Use your tongue. And go deeper, sweetheart. Just a 'lil bit… Halfway."
You nodded lightly, just enough to show Joel that you had understood and knew what to do, and then allowed more of him to slide down your throat. By now, you had a very good idea of how many inches you were taking based on how he felt against your throat, and stopped when his tip was about to nudge against your palate. Yes, that was how big he was.
In the beginning, he had simply been too big for both your throat and pussy, but he had made it work. That was what he had whispered in your ear while you had trembled and whimpered, your blood running cold with the fear of forever being incapable of adjusting to his size.
I'm gonna make it fit. It's gonna be okay, he had murmured, which had soothed you surprisingly well and led you to discover a new side of him. A softer, more caring one, although you had to admit that that side of him was revealed most of the time when Joel wanted something. Such as your throat and your pussy.
But now, you were skilled and your throat was trained to take more of him.
You exhaled heavily through your nose, closing your eyes as you covered your teeth with your lips.
"You're a good 'lil pet, baby… Listenin' so well… That's how I can tell that this is exactly what you're supposed to do. Where you're supposed to be."
You knew that Joel wasn't making you suck his cock to cum down your throat. He liked blowjobs, no matter if they were messy, lazy, or passionate, but this man liked to fuck. Sliding his dick past your lips was almost always just a preparation for what was to come or one of his twisted games that were supposed to teach you a lesson.
Still, you put everything into it, bobbing your head around the upper part of his cock while your tongue played with his veins and the precum gathering at his tip. You switched quickly between forceful sucks, teasing swipes across his length, and steady stimulation in the form of your stretched lips brushing against him. And Joel seemed satisfied. He had yet to say much and limited himself to occasionally grunting under his breath or cursing quietly, but you knew that if you were doing a poor job, he would have stopped you by now.
"All the way now, kitten," he suddenly said, the few words hanging in the moist air a little longer than usual because of the empty space of the shower. "I want you to gag on it. Let's make it… three times. I'm feelin' nice today."
You granted yourself a few seconds to catch your breath, knees shifting across the cold floor to find a position that was just a little bit more comfortable for your raw skin.
"Yes, Joel."
"And you know the rules. Don't push yourself too far, alright?"
Nodding again, you straightened up, trying to hide the pain shooting through your kneecaps. Perhaps Joel would have cared if you told him, but perhaps not. In any case, what did it matter? You wanted to finish what you had started in the shower with him, not on some stupid carpet or the bed.
"Three times, babygirl. If you're gonna be good, I'll let you stand, 'n' I'm gonna fuck this pussy nicely. Do you want that?"
"Yes, Joel," you whined, feeling surprised by how vocal he was being with you. Well, maybe he was just in a good mood. Or today wasn't all about getting rid of accumulated tension or anger but rather actually relishing some time shared with you.
His promise gave you the motivation to get it over with quickly so that you could have his massive, broad frame pressed against your back. You were a little cold on the ground and you really wanted to stretch out your legs before they grew even more numb.
"Go on… Show me how good you can be. How well I taught you. The water's no problem for you, is it?"
"No, Joel," you assured him, pressing his tip against your lips. "I can do it."
"I knew you would say that, sweetheart… C'mon now. Ain't got all day, mhm?"
Actually, the two of you had all day, but you presumed that Joel just used that phrasing to emphasize the fact that he was growing impatient.
"Ohh fuck… baby. That's it. All the way inside there where it belongs. Yes."
You swallowed hard, your heart thumping in your chest like it always did when you were about to consciously make yourself gag on his cock. The way your body reacted to your nervousness just didn't change, no matter how many times Joel had asked that of you.
You went deeper, deeper than your body was supposed to go. Deeper than your throat could take, but that was the plan after all. That was what Joel wanted from you.
Around three quarters of his length were snug within you when you had to close your eyes. A low growl escaped Joel's lips, which gave you the ambition to continue, and then, there it was. You choked, your body recoiling as you immediately pulled back. He was okay with that, the rules only said that you had to make yourself gag. Joel didn't care how fast you slipped him out of your mouth after that.
Cheeks burning with searing heat, you coughed a couple of times, your body losing its upright posture as you writhed and squirmed below him.
"Good… Good, baby. That was the first. You think you can give me two more?"
Of course you could. You just needed a little bit of time between each one.
"Yes," you whispered, voice raspy and coarse already after the first.
"Alright. Look at me. I don't care how deep you go, just wanna see your pretty eyes and hear ya gag. That's all."
"Yes, Joel." You brushed the wet strands hanging in your face back and tucked them behind your ears to make everything a little tidier.
Then you repeated what you had just done, all while keeping your eyes open and glued to his face. It wasn't a very unpleasant task since his features looked like they were carved by God himself and you tended to get lost in his handsome face pretty often, but your eyes still teared up. The secret to it was letting them go and accepting that your tears were running down your skin until they hit Joel's cock. But since he didn't seem to mind, you fully ignored the wetness and kept peering up at him.
That second gag was harder due to the fact that you had to concentrate on more things than just his manhood kissing the back of your throat, but you proudly managed. After your body had calmed down, the ripples and uneven coughs slowly abating, Joel reached out to snatch your chin.
"Gosh… I don't even know what to do with ya. If I should feel proud of you for listenin' so well or be disgusted by you actin' like a cheap whore."
His words sent tingles down your spine, the good and the bad ones alike. You sniffled gently, wiping your nose with the back of your hand.
"I guess I can make my peace with you bein' a cheap whore. The only thing I'm concerned about really is you bein' a slut for other men here in Jackson."
Joel absent-mindedly toyed with your hair, watching it give way to his fingers, then pulled you up by your arm all of a sudden. As you hadn't expected it at all and had just braced yourself for the last round, you squeaked and nearly lost your balance on the slippery floor. But Joel had you securely in his hold, spun you around so quickly your head throbbed, and pressed you face first against the wall.
"Joel," you whimpered, feeling so overwhelmed and maybe even a little disappointed. You would have liked to properly finish the task that you had been given, but it seemed like Joel had other plans for you.
"I didn't care about you bein' a cheap whore while we were out there…" he rambled on while nudging the tip of his cock against your tight entrance, his other hand draped around your middle to grope your tits.
"T'wasn't important 'cause we were the only ones out there. But here… they're all touch-starved, you know? You think any of these guys would reject you, baby? Fuck, even Tommy wouldn't push ya away."
You highly doubted that since his brother was happily married to Maria, but you were too distracted by his cock gathering your wetness to correct him. Joel pushed inside slowly, savoring how your walls welcomed him sluggishly, as though they weren't sure yet whether your boyfriend was a welcome guest.
"They would all fuck ya if they had the chance, babygirl. And that's okay… As long as they keep their hands to themselves and remember that you're mine. But I need you to know something for that. Do you know what?"
"W-What?" you asked breathlessly, your right cheek pressed against the wet tiles while Joel pinned both your wrists to your lower back.
All of this was so fucking obscene, so shameless and bad, but you just couldn't help but love every second. The way he was talking about you, like you were some valuable prize, nothing more than an object that anybody who owned it could be lucky to possess. And the way he had your body under control… how he was caging you in, using his body weight to pin you in place and his large hands to trap both your wrists in one of his. The other was free to guide his manhood deeper inside you, splitting you open on his cock, which was so thick that you were completely aware of every part of your body, your pussy first and foremost.
"I need you to know that you're mine alone. 'Cause I fuckin' dragged you through those woods, I kept you safe and I took care of ya. You're mine. So you're not gonna act like a cheap whore around them, is that clear? Not on Saturday at Tommy's birthday party, not on New Year's Eve and not at any event in the future."
He was all the way inside you now, and you felt his hips grind against yours, giving you a taste of him without thrusting yet.
"You can be a cheap whore around me, but not around them. I want every man to know that this pussy's mine. I don't care what I gotta do to achieve that, princess."
Joel started moving so abruptly that you choked on your spit and coughed a few times while his pelvis crashed into yours.
"Owww…" you howled, your hands wriggling under his grasp, but he only tightened it in response. You were a little frightened of slipping on the wet floor with your hands unable to support your fall, but at the same time, you trusted Joel enough to know that he would catch you before your head hit the wall.
"That's it, baby. Scream louder and they're all gonna hear… I don't care what it takes. I need them to stay the hell away from ya. Do you know why?"
As he no longer needed his hand to push his cock inside you, Joel brought it back to your breasts, pinching your sore nipples a few times before reaching for your throat, which looked much too delicate for him to ignore.
"N-No," you whimpered and arched away from the tiles a little to offer him a better angle as he slammed his fat dick inside you.
"'Cause you're pretty, sweetheart. You're too pretty for your own good. You don't even know what effect you have on all those old fuckers. They probably haven't felt a thing down there for years… And now they see someone like you walk through the gates and suddenly they remember that they got a cock and how much they used to like a woman's tits."
"Joel," you yelped, not so much in reaction to his words but rather to his balls smacking your core. They were heavy and hot, ready to spill the seed they carried between your snug walls and pump you full of it.
"I know, pretty girl… It's okay. I'm gonna take care of ya. You don't need to worry your pretty little head about 'em. As long as you do as I say and behave. I'm gonna keep 'em away, protect you from them. So that we can go home every night and I can rail your tight cunt like that… That's what you like, mhm? Bein' mine… Bein' taken care of and getting fucked in your perfect pussy every day."
It was almost embarrassing how flushed with blood your cheeks were, how much adrenaline was coursing through your veins just because he had used the words mine and protect a few times. It was just that Joel couldn't have been more right, which was why you nodded and let out a desperate "Yes… Yes, please."
Joel smacked your butt harshly, interrupting his rapid thrusts for a few seconds. His fingers gripped your neck firmly, swaying your head to the side just because he could. At least, that was what it felt like to you. Like Joel wanted to put his power on display, showing you that he wasn't just in control of your body but also your feelings and who you belonged to.
"I need you, Joel," you whispered, your tone carrying so much emotional weight and meaning that your breath hitched in your throat, fresh tears welling on your waterline.
"I know you do. You depend on me. Ever since I saved ya from those raiders in Kansas City. So you're gonna stay mine. No matter how many men I gotta scare away. I'll be happy to do that, princess."
Joel nudged his nose against the back of your head, your scent somehow different than before when he had fucked you against a tree or a stained mattress, but through the smell of the soap it was still you. Through every fiber.
Joel liked to think of the two of you as linked souls. After all those times he had put his hands on you, left his mark on you in the form of filling you up with his cum or driving his teeth into your neck, you were clearly carrying his scent in such a profound manner that you would never be able to scrub it off your body. The way he had claimed you seeped through all those layers, through your skin and bones right into the depths of your heart.
"Joel, s-so much," you stuttered, finally a little more unrestrained in how you talked to him. "So much, Joel, fuck…"
He gently squeezed your throat, his rough skin feeling obscenely hard against your much softer one. That was just another perk of being with him, Joel found. He kept you safe, threw himself between you and a raging infected to drive his knife into its throat before it could attack you.
Consequently, his skin became raw and coarse from gripping the handle of his gun or the handle of his knife tightly, whereas yours remained smooth like silk. It was your beauty against your safety, and you were happy to let him touch your flawless skin if it meant being protected by that man who sometimes resembled a large bear more than a man. At least you thought that way while watching him fight off infected or raiders.
"It's okay, baby… Let it happen, alright? Let daddy in… just like that, yeah."
He felt you loosen up underneath his grasp, your neck stopping its flexing and your body hunching forward. Joel immediately seized that little space, just like he wanted to occupy every part of your life, and stepped closer, your whole front pressed against the cold wall. With his hot, muscular body right behind you, it was endurable, though. It was more than endurable. The sensation was incredible, the contrast so sharp that you forgot everything about time and space, who you were and where up and down were. His hand constricting your airflow only made it more intense.
"That's it, sweetheart… Just like that. S'what it's supposed to feel like, you understand that? Just like this. And no one else can give you that. None of these men eyein' you up and down like you're some piece of fresh meat. They wouldn't make it feel like that. Only I can. Only I know your body like that."
The hand around your wrists relaxed its tight grasp, allowing you to dangle them at your sides. When you felt his hand at your pussy, you understood why he had released you. The quick, pointed swipes over your clit made your knees buckle at once, your hands slamming against the wall for support.
"Shh… I know. Look at you… So beautifully responsive. Just like a 'lil slut's supposed to be. S'how I know that you're only supposed to be my slut. 'Cause I hear how your pretty pussy cries for me."
He was probably referring to the primal noises his dick inside you produced, or maybe to his finger circling your clit. You didn't know, and you didn't care. All you cared about was getting him to go even deeper, no matter if it was physically possible or not.
As his hand tightened around your throat, you desperately pawed at his hairy thighs behind you, both pushing him away and pulling him closer. Your mind was somewhere else, body and brain separated in a way that made your words, your actions and your thoughts fail to align. There was chaos everywhere, which was why you could count yourself lucky that the man behind you hated chaos. He was there to fix it and bring order to the mess that you were.
"J-Joel," you cried against the firm hold he had on your neck, mouth falling open when he began to synchronize the touch of his thumb with the thrusts of his cock. Sometimes he waited for a beat, just watching you quiver and whimper with an evil grin on his lips, then delivered a few borderline painful thrusts inside you and set off a firework of pleasure across your clit. That was when your muscles slackened and you would have fallen to the ground had Joel not pushed you into the wall with his whole weight.
"Perfect princess… Almost like a 'lil fucktoy, jesus… I really just wanna wrap ya up when I'm done with you and throw you onto the bed. Fuck your brains out 'til my cock's gonna be drained for days. I know you'd take it all. I know your weak 'lil body would pass out on me but you'd still be cryin' my name in your sleep. Your pussy would still suck me in like the greedy 'lil thing she is. Ain't that right, sugarplum?"
By now, you were letting the tears flow as they mixed with the water streaming down the wall. You couldn't perceive any of it. Not the temperature of the water, not the color of the tiles, not even his words. It was probably for the better since they would have made you spiral even harder than you already were and you might have fallen into some sort of pleasure coma. If something like that existed.
"Your body was fuckin' made for me, baby… And I don't like sharin' ya with anyone. S'why I don't like this very much…" Joel yanked you back by your neck, pinning your head against his collarbone to get a look at the tears relentlessly trickling down your cheeks.
"I like havin' this shower and getting to fuck ya as many times as I want to. But I don't like these people here… I don't even want 'em to see ya. It'll only get their minds goin'. I can see in their faces what they're thinkin' about but I can't do anything about it. 'Cause unfortunately, they're allowed to watch… they can think about all the positions they'd like to fuck you in… And it drives me really fuckin' mad, babygirl. I wish I could just lock you in the house like a good 'lil pet that waits for me when I come home."
You howled as his hand gently swatted your throbbing clit before you finally came with a weak sob. In response, Joel pressed his hand over your mouth, not to conceal what the two of you were doing in the shower the way he had been forced to during your time in the woods. He just did it… because he could. Because he liked to hear your broken weeping muffled by his heavy palm that swallowed most of your face.
"That's it, princess. Like that, you 'lil slut. Soak my cock, fuck… squeezin' me so fuckin' good."
His grip grew narrower as Joel approached his orgasm. His nails dug into your flesh, surely leaving a mark or two, but since you were still floating on a cloud, you barely felt the pain.
He brutally forced his cock between your fluttering walls, which always clamped during your high. But Joel showed no mercy. He wanted his cum to reach every last corner of your insides, paint your cervix and preferably shoot so deeply inside you that none of it would leak out after he had pulled out. Therefore, he used a bit of his strength and drove his hips into yours even as you were whimpering in pain, fighting your body's urge to cramp up.
"Sh, baby. Shh, relax for daddy. Holy shit… Your pussy's such a naughty 'lil thing, ain't she?" Joel seized your hands once more, holding them behind your back to stop you from pushing against his hips. "First, she's beggin' me to destroy 'er and now that daddy's pumpin' 'er full, she's clenchin' so hard, barely lettin' me in… Or maybe she likes it that way, mhm? Likes when it hurts a little."
"Owww," you yelped, toes curling at the sting that spread through your lower tummy as Joel went way past your limits over and over, opening you up with no regard for the sensitivity and soreness diffusing in your core after your orgasm.
At some point, you found yourself wondering how much longer it was going to take until he finished, but it seemed like Joel was drawing out the moment as long as he physically could.
Then, it was over all of a sudden, and for a split second, you wished nothing more than for him to slip back inside. Not only did you feel cold, but your cunt was also clenching desperately, searching for something to hold onto.
"Joel," you whispered. Something was still rolling down your face, but at this point, it could be either your tears or the shower water.
"Goddamnit," he cursed, smacking your backside again. "Shit, baby… I don't know what to do with ya… you got any suggestions?"
He laughed, brushing your hair back to slide his big hand down your arm.
"Need you," you pressed and gasped softly when he turned you around.
"I know you do, kitten. And that's all that matters. You don't need anything but me. That pretty head doesn't have to think of anyone but me. And I'm gonna prove it to ya as many times as it takes."
Joel's thoughts were already running fast, like the little drops coming from the shower head.
He had all the time in the world. It wasn't long past six o'clock, so he had plenty of hours before he would go to bed…
He would show it all to you.
The things he had planned in his head while traveling through the country with you, all those times he had pictured you in new positions, dressed in his favorite outfits, doing things that had technically been impossible out there.
But now the door was open, and goddamnit, he would make use of it. Now. Tomorrow. For the rest of his life.
hi so you’d written this one shot about harry castillo being the reader’s ex husband and how he hires her as his assistant and the yearning, angst, romance and smut follows. Could you please turn it into a series or atleast do a part 2. It’s genuinely one of my fav fics and i think of it constantly. Also please keep the hand kink, it was the cherry on the cake.
Contains: violence, death, canon typical themes, fighting, angst, tension, strong language, hostility, Joel being Joel, references to past trauma, they both need a hug
Wordcount: 5,587
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel stuffed his water bottle back inside his bag, glancing up to watch Amy pull her jacket tighter around her body. She was clearly freezing, given the way her shoulders were hauled up to her ears, shaky hands shoved inside her pockets.
"Here."
He peeled his jacket off and dangled it in front of her to grab it. She didn't though, which irritated him.
"Take it."
"I don't need it."
"You clearly do. You're freezin'."
She released a breath, making Joel believe that she was about to give in, but her hands remained snug within her pockets.
"I don't want it."
"Why?" His tone was harsh and cold, but Jesus, his composure was about to snap with her stubbornness, her way of contradicting him for no reason. Hell, it was better for both of them if she didn't get sick. It would certainly spare him many complaints from her.
"I just don't want it."
"Take it. Or you're gonna get sick."
Finally, her trembling hand slowly stretched toward him, catching the piece of clothing Joel dropped.
"You gotta drink some water. We're gonna keep walkin' in five minutes."
"I'm not a child. You don't have to remind me when to drink fuckin' water."
Though his mood had just calmed down as she had followed his order, new rage was brewing in his belly at once. Shit, his nerves were thin after everything that had happened, he didn't need another quarrel with Amy that only had one purpose: agitating his anger.
"I'm supposed to look out for you, you understand that? That's what I promised Marlene, and it's – what I promised 'er." His voice quivered ever so slightly, hopefully in a way that would go by unnoticed by Amy.
"I'm gonna get ya to Bill and Frank, so for me to do that, I can't have ya pass out from dehydration after a fucking mile. Do you understand me or is there anything unclear about that?"
"Who are Bill and Frank?" Amy asked, but she was met with a steep groan, nothing else.
"Joel."
"What?" he barked and fastened the straps of his rucksack, thinking that her ungrateful ass didn't deserve the five minute break he had promised her.
"It's not my fault Tess did that. I… I'm sorry that it happened, but I – I mean if you blame me, I… I just – She got infected. That sucks, but that's not my fault."
"Get up," Joel uttered, hands clenched into fists that hopefully prevented him from driving his fist into a tree close by.
"What, you just don't wanna talk about it?"
"No I don't. I want you to keep your mouth shut about Tess, about anything that's got to do with her – actually, you can just keep your mouth shut the entire time."
In Joel's mind, that was all that needed to be said, which was why he set off while Amy hurried up to catch up to him, clearly startled by the severity of his words. Fortunately, she followed his advice that was more closely related to an instruction than to guidance.
For a while, Joel and Amy were hiking through the forest side by side, Joel's eyes strictly ahead on the road while Amy's were scurrying around as if she were trying to suck in every scene from every angle. Had this girl never seen an abandoned city or a forest before? Where the hell had she grown up?
"How many days is it gonna take? To get to – Bill and Frank."
He scarcely even reacted, just his pupils snapping to the left for a beat before they found their familiar spot on the ground again.
"We're gonna be there tomorrow. Afternoon, probably."
"Can you tell me who they are?"
"Friends."
Amy nodded slowly, at least that was what he could assume she was doing after darting a glance at her from the corner of his eye.
"Of yours or of Tess's?"
"Both."
"Are you angry at me or something?"
"Are you fucking kiddin' me?" He finally shot her a furious look that seemed to make her remember something. Whom she was talking to, hopefully. Amy looked like she was shrinking beneath his gaze, her throat bulging as she swallowed hard.
"I told you that I – "
"No, I told you to keep your mouth shut, didn't I?" Joel exhaled unevenly, his breath a little shaky, which irritated him.
"I'm sorry about what happened. I really am. But what you're doing is very unfair, and I think it's gonna make this even more difficult."
Despite his initial urge to tell her to shut up once more, he couldn't help but shoot back another snarky reply.
"This? What is this? There is nothing. I'm gonna leave you with Bill and Frank tomorrow, and after that, we're never gonna see each other again. You better already forget my face."
"You're a real asshole, you know that? You've been treating me like a fucking monster from the start and now you're blaming me for Tess's death and I'm not even saying –"
Joel's hand extended suddenly, grabbing Amy by her shoulder. His fingers dug into her flesh forcefully, most likely creating a mark at that very moment, but if it was what it would take for her to learn her lesson, Joel gladly accepted it.
"I told you not to talk about her. Don't say her name. Don't mention her. You know that I could leave you out here, don't you? Maybe you're immune to the cordyceps but that doesn't mean that you can't be ripped apart by infected. Or by fucking wolves. So if you wanna survive, you. Don't. Mention. Her."
Amy squirmed under his grip, but then she nodded weakly, rubbing her arm for the second time today once he had let go.
This time, Joel didn't tell her to start moving. He was so done with her behavior, he might as well throw up in the bushes and hope that his upset stomach would settle down. Maybe he would have done so, if the food inside his belly hadn't been too precious.
Two hours later, Joel and Amy set camp in the middle of the forest.
Since they didn't have any sleeping bags with them, they had to use their jackets as bedding and wrap themselves in all the clothes they possessed, which weren't a lot, but it would have to suffice for tonight.
They spread them out in utter silence, sat down in silence and even spent most of their dinner in silence. They were busy chewing anyway, Joel found. When Amy was just about to finish the second of her delicious-looking sandwiches Marlene had given her as provisions for her journey, she raised her raspy voice for the first time in hours.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Depends," was his short response.
"What are you gonna do after you bring me to Bill and Frank? Are you gonna head back to the QZ?"
Obviously, it was none of her business. He had no obligation to share any of his ideas or plans for the future with her.
"No. I'm gonna find my brother."
"Your brother? Where is he?"
Joel sighed faintly, taking a bite from the dried bacon he had found in the last forgotten corner of his bag. It was really time to get to Bill and Frank, get a proper meal and trade for food and other supplies he was in need of.
"I don't know. If I knew, I wouldn't have to find him, would I?"
"No, I mean, do you have a rough idea?"
"Yeah."
Amy waited, clearly expecting him to add something else, but when he didn't speak, she opened her mouth again. This time, Joel was faster, though.
"Eat up. Then get some sleep."
"Sleep," Amy scoffed, pointedly glancing at the pile of clothes beneath her. "I don't think I'm gonna be able to."
"Why?" Joel asked before he could have possibly stopped himself.
"No, it's okay… Just – you know… The cold. And we're in the middle of fucking nowhere. But it's fine, it's gonna have to do."
Amy avoided his gaze as she pulled her legs to her chest, resting her chin on her kneecap. He waited without knowing what for.
"Take it." He took off his jacket like he had done earlier, shoving it roughly against her chest, but Joel assumed that she would be grateful regardless.
"Really?"
"Yes. I'll be fine."
In truth, there was no real answer for why he felt generous enough to forgo the piece of clothing to ensure she experienced more comfort during the night. The only thing Joel could come up with to justify his action was the sight of her small frame, her pale face, as well as her ensnared fingers. She looked helpless and scared. She most certainly didn't deserve his kindness, but the sight moved him in some way. It was an instinct, not a conscious choice. Besides, he didn't want her to freeze to death under his watch.
"Thank you."
Joel nodded briefly, then glanced at the rest of her sandwich.
"Now eat. It's also gonna help you with the cold. And don't fuckin' tell me that you don't wanna be treated like a child. I'm just tryna make ya stay alive."
Amy swallowed heavily but followed his advice without another snappy comment, which pacified his thrumming heart at last.
After she was done, and Joel was too, there was no reason to stay awake another minute, so he spread out his clothes a little more and lay down on his side, facing the deserted expanses of the forest. Even he had to admit that the gnarled, thin branches looked eerie, reminding him of the slender wrists of ghosts or monsters. He wondered if Amy felt that way too.
"Joel?"
It was as though she had read his thoughts.
"What?" he snapped in the opposite direction.
He heard some rustling as she lay down as well, buried underneath a pile of clothes that would ideally keep her warm during the night.
"We should keep watch, shouldn’t we?"
"Not here."
"Why?"
He stirred slightly, turning on his back but not yet changing his orientation. An owl cried nearby, and somewhere farther away a wolf barked.
"'Cause there ain't gonna be anyone here."
"What about infected?"
"Clickers won't see us, and we won't make any sound tonight. And we're not gonna keep on any light. We should be fine."
Joel closed his eyes. Still, it felt like the conversation wasn't over yet. In her mind, at least.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, goddamnit. Now sleep. Or you're gonna attract raiders with your voice."
"Raiders?"
Groaning softly, Joel turned toward her at last, though all he could see of her face were her eyes. Amy had pulled her sweatshirt up to cover her mouth and nose, while the hood was hiding her hair and brow.
"They won't come here. Why should they? Unless we make any light or noise. Now sleep. It will be easiest if you sleep. It's just a second, and then it will be the next day."
"But for that, I have to fall asleep first..."
Amy received no answer.
Joel could see her nose scrunch before he turned on his back again, glaring up at the night sky. It was cloudy with the exception of a small gap within the opaque veil, which showed him a glimpse of the silvery moon. Everything about the sight only added to the mysterious, unearthly feeling that lay upon the forest.
The next night would be easier. Perhaps he could even spend it in a comfortable bed within the safe walls of Bill and Frank's house, if they would be kind enough to let him stay for the night before they took Amy to Colorado.
Yes, a bed would be good, even if it was just for one night.
Amy
Amy woke up so suddenly, her heart jumped in her chest. She blinked a few times into the sun, thinking that she couldn't remember the last time she had been woken up by nature. By the natural daily cycle.
The next thing she noticed was the biting cold unfurling across her calves. She must have moved in her sleep, which had caused her jeans to ride up her legs. Quickly, she adjusted her clothes, tucked the end of Joel's jacket underneath her body, and turned around to see if he was awake yet.
Just when she looked at his face, a muscle twitched in his cheek, but he appeared to be soundly asleep with his steadily rising chest. Was she supposed to wake him up? Were they in a hurry to reach the ominous Bill and Frank as soon as possible? Or did Joel place value in a long, restful night before the last stage of their travels?
Amy decided to delay her decision until later and folded her hands on top of her stomach, covered by his jacket, of course. It smelled good, she had to admit. Not scruffy or sweaty as she had expected. Obviously, she didn't feel like she was burying her nose in a flower meadow, but the scent reminded her of wood and leather. Yeah, that fit with the picture of Joel that had formed in her head over the past day.
Wood and leather. Hardness. Strength. Uncompromising doggedness. Generosity, maybe? Amy wasn't sure yet. After all, he had willingly given her his jacket the night before, which had warmed her up in a way that hadn't been enough to keep every part of her body completely comfortable, but she didn't want to know how much worse it would have been without it.
So was there a soft side to him? Or had he only been driven by his hunger for Marlene's reward that awaited him after he had delivered her to her?
Amy would have rather bitten off her own tongue than even just say it out loud when no one else was around, but she wasn't utterly immune to his protection the way she was immune to the cordyceps. Unless, of course, there had been a different reason why she had felt the skin of her forearms prickle and why she had had to swallow extra hard to make the lump in her throat disappear.
Secretly, Amy suspected that her reaction was rooted somewhere in the past twenty years of her life, though she didn't care to go back to that place too extensively. No matter how awfully and rudely Joel treated her, at least he made sure she didn't get killed on her way to Bill and Frank. And that was something that got to her, no matter if she liked it or not. It was simply too easy to feel safe in Joel's presence, even though she might have gone insane for thinking that way.
He was impolite and mean to her, leaving no opportunity to make her feel dumb and unimportant. But at least he protected her. Not in a selfless and amiable way like Amy had always wished for growing up, but the outcome was just the same. Besides, it wasn't like she could control her body's reaction anyway.
Amy was ripped from her thoughts when the bunch of clothes next to her shifted. After some blinking and a low groan, Joel straightened up, his hair messed up and standing in all directions, which indicated that he had been just as restless as she had.
"Morning," Amy whispered and sat up as well.
"Mhm," he just grunted in response, making her doubt her attitude toward him all over again. Maybe he was just an arrogant, impudent asshole who couldn't have cared less about her life. Maybe he was just dreaming of getting rid of her as fast as possible and showed brief signs of cordiality so Amy wouldn't run away from him.
Did she have a choice, though? She wouldn't survive a day in the wild, and once she had eaten all her food, her end would be imminent.
Ten minutes later, Joel and Amy were nibbling at their food, which couldn't have been more different. She was chewing another one of her sandwiches, whereas Joel had to content himself with a few slices of plain bread and some almonds.
"Do you want some?" Amy said after a while, holding out the last remaining sandwich.
It was precious to her, sure, especially in case she actually ended up alone out here. But if Joel would understand it as some kind of peace offering, it might be worth a shot.
It wasn't like Amy was eager to uphold the ongoing dispute with him, though she had felt hostile toward him in the beginning. But now, with Tess gone and her supplies fading away, she sort of depended on him until Joel had brought her to his friends, who might be a little friendlier. She would surely benefit from him changing his feelings toward her and brightening his mood.
"No."
Great. So he was grumpy again. Perhaps it was just his nature, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. How had Tess handled that? Amy was seriously curious to know.
"Fine," she scoffed, putting the sandwich back inside the plastic bag with more force than necessary. "When are we gonna leave?"
If Joel treated her so coolly, why be nice to him? He didn't appreciate her truce but preferred to stay that ignorant, sullen prick who—
"Right now. Pack your things."
Another inimical reply tingled on her tongue, but she swallowed it and instead ground her teeth.
"Joel?"
He barely even twitched a lash, which bewildered her. How was he able not to shriek in startlement the way she usually did when someone suddenly raised their voice at her?
"What?"
"You know all about the world before the outbreak," she carefully asked, not wanting to upset him at once but to feel her way slowly.
"Is that a question?"
"No. I mean, I assume that you know all about the world before the outbreak."
Finally, his neck turned, and his dark eyes scanned her earnest expression. For once, Amy had a genuine interest in the answer to the question she was about to ask and didn't plan to taunt him.
"Yeah. Why?" he growled, his eyes flashing suspiciously.
"Can you tell me about it?"
"What?"
Scoffing harshly, Joel pulled up his shoulders, picking up the pace slightly as though to flee from her annoying questions. But Amy wouldn't give up. What did it matter anyway? In two hours, they would arrive at the place of those two guys who would hopefully take care of her, and she could say goodbye to Joel. Even if she was sinking lower in his estimation, Amy would forget all about that and this strange man in the coming days and never feel any consequences of their fighting for the rest of her life.
"I wanna know about how you lived. What you did all day."
"Didn't you have parents to tell ya about it? School?"
"My parents died when I was young."
She had told that piece of information to Tess the other day, and until now, Amy had believed that Joel had shamelessly eavesdropped on the two of them.
"So school."
"C'mon. I went to FEDRA school, okay? We didn't learn about... you know, the real daily lives of people. We learned about history and science. But not that. Besides, that was years ago."
"What do you wanna know, then, mhm?" Joel sighed like there was nothing he was less keen to do than have this conversation with Amy.
"What did you do when there was nothing else to do?"
He thought about it for a few seconds, his wrinkled forehead furrowed.
"Sometimes I read books. Or I played the guitar."
"You play guitar?" Amy asked, her features involuntarily drawing with interest and even delight.
Well, that was fascinating. She had once seen a couple of kids in FEDRA school play a ukulele, but she only knew what a guitar sounded like from TVs and her headphones. Joel, on the other hand, looked like he instantly regretted telling her about that part of his history and would have liked to take it back.
"I did. Yeah."
"That's nice. My mother played the piano before the outbreak. She even had lessons."
Amy absent-mindedly kicked a stone away, smiling at the memories that were more than blurry in her mind, but whenever she focused on them with all her willpower, she swore she could see her mother's ash-blond locks, as well as the dimples on her face.
"Great. Congrats, I guess."
"Fuck you," she hissed, the lines around her mouth pulling taut in an instant.
"You were the one who started this."
"Yeah, because I prefer to talk about something instead of boring myself to death."
The two of them remained silent for a beat, both mulling over what to say next, though Amy first and foremost contemplated whether it was worth forcefully keeping up their conversation.
"You're from Texas, aren't you?"
For the first time, surprise flickered across his face, though it was short-lived and faint.
"Yeah. How do you know?"
"Your accent. Obviously."
"Oh, sorry, Miss I-went-to-FEDRA-school."
Amy's eyebrows shot together, her eyes squeezing into two small slits.
"Do I sound like I'm proud that I went there?"
"No. But you're a smartass."
Joel looked fully unbothered by their argument, which only increased the temperature of the searing blood rushing through her veins.
"You got a strong accent. I'm gonna guess... Dallas?"
"Austin."
"Close."
"Not really."
Amy rolled her eyes, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "Austin... I went there once."
"Congratulations."
Deciding to just ignore his scathing comments, she continued speaking like she was the only one there.
"I can't remember, obviously. I must've been... three. But I have a photo."
"I don't wanna see."
"I didn't offer to show it to you, did I?" Amy sneered loudly, her jaw so tight she felt as though she were about to crack a tooth.
"Whatever. Are you done now?"
"What was your job before the outbreak?"
"None of your fuckin' business."
Amy halted, which seemed to catch him off guard, his feet coming to an abrupt stop as well. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah?" Joel shrugged.
"Oh my god, you're the child here, you know that?"
She lengthened her stride and suddenly set in motion. For once, she felt like she had the upper hand, like she was the reasonable, balanced adult rather than the needy child.
"I was a contractor. You know what that is?" Joel blurted after a short pause.
"Yes," Amy lied and stubbornly glared ahead of her, though the sun stung her eyes. It was a tolerable pill to swallow if it meant remaining the one with a clear head.
"What about you, mhm?"
"I was four years old when the outbreak happened," she hissed through gritted teeth, her chin high in the sky.
"I know, smartass. What was your job before Marlene picked you up? Did FEDRA pay you to be their break clown?"
"Funny," she scorned and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I worked in a shop that repaired clothes and shoes. Sometimes electronics too."
"Mhm," Joel snorted, showing no interest at all, but Amy hadn't expected anything else, even though he had been the one to ask.
"What about..." she started, but her voice trailed off, remembering one of the core rules Joel had told her.
No mention of Tess.
Even though her need to say something about the incident that had occurred the other day, as well as her curiosity, wasn't slaked yet, she was hesitant to strain Joel's nerves by bringing her up again, which was why she bit her tongue.
"What?" he snapped, his jaw flexing.
"Nothing."
"Do that more often."
Amy frowned, then put her confusion into words. "What?"
"Remembering to keep your mouth shut," Joel answered without a trace of amusement or anger in his tone. It was pure neutrality. Cold, distant indifference.
Amy's mouth opened, the words bubbling in her throat, but Joel actually had the audacity to cut her off and even lift his hand.
"No. Shut up."
She hated how much it got to her. How infuriated and livid his words made her feel, how hurt she felt deep inside despite knowing that this man was an insignificant, irrelevant person in her life and that his opinions and feelings toward her didn't matter at all.
Joel most definitely wasn't the first to willfully insult her or humiliate her with the phrases tumbling out of his mouth, but perhaps she had just never gotten used to it over the course of the past twenty-four years of her life.
Amy's mouth tightened, her hands forming fists, which she shoved deep inside the pockets of her jacket. Fine, if he wanted to behave like an imbecile, she would simply dwell on her own thoughts and not pay any attention to him until she absolutely needed to.
Two hours later, Joel cleared his throat, jutting his shoulder out to signal to Amy that the fence they were about to reach was the one they were searching for.
"Is that their home?" she asked, softly whistling at the sight of the heavy gate. She had expected a lot of things, but she had presumed that an abandoned cabin would be more likely than a whole goddamn town.
"Yeah. That's it..."
"Do you know the code?" Amy peered at Joel's profile. He seemed lost in his thoughts for a heartbeat before his body flinched and he cleared his throat for a second time.
"Yeah. Step aside."
His fingers flying over the number pad, Joel had his eyebrows low on his face, his features contorted with deep focus.
"Is... everything fine?"
"Yeah. Why shouldn't it be?" he answered and opened the gate, leading to a broad path that meandered through a town that looked both desolate and inhabited at the same time.
The houses were clean and tidy, not grey and splintered like the facades of the buildings Amy was used to in the QZ. Some even looked rather friendly with their planted front gardens and the colorful sunflowers that seemed to smile at her.
It was... unreal. A strange dream.
This was exactly what Amy had imagined neighborhoods in the rural areas of the country to look like before the outbreak. Whoever Bill and Frank were, they either had gone crazy, were geniuses, or had gotten very lucky and FEDRA had missed that little town in the middle of Massachusetts.
"Joel?" Amy whispered while Joel guided the two of them to one of the houses at the end of the street. It was just as well maintained as the rest of them, with a plant bed next to it, the lawn neatly trimmed, and the door painted a bright yellow, but it didn't look as untouched as the rest.
"What?" He seemed to be elsewhere with his thoughts.
"What the fuck is going on here?"
"What do you mean?" Joel barked, like the answer was right there on the table for everyone to see.
"What is this place?"
"Bill. He was a survivalist before the outbreak. You know what the government did in the first weeks of the outbreak?"
Amy looked up at him, surprised by Joel giving her the explanation she had asked for. "No."
"They evacuated most of the cities in this area. Well, Bill didn't want that, so he locked himself in the basement of his house, waited for everyone to leave, and then built his place."
"So he... he's been living here for twenty years?"
Joel shrugged faintly, pursing his lips as they stepped onto the porch of the house. "Yeah. I don't think there're many people on this continent who are livin' better lives."
Pushing the handle down, his eyes narrowed. It opened without any resistance.
"Stay by the door," he instructed Amy, whose gaze curiously drifted around the hallway, the paintings on the wall, and the flower bouquets on a wooden cupboard. Their heads were drooped, the stems starting to wilt, but they still couldn't have been picked more than a week ago.
"Where are they?" Amy whispered, somehow feeling intimidated by the house despite its beauty.
"I don't know. Stay here, I'll be right back."
She watched the dark-haired back of his head disappear through a door, then turned toward the canvases. Most of them depicted landscapes: flower meadows, mountains piling up at the horizon, and enraged storm clouds that looked on the verge of exploding, colored in all different shades of blue and purple.
Amy smiled gently, wondering which of the two men living here was the artist. Probably Frank. She couldn't picture a survivalist bringing such softness as the orange-pink flowers on the painting by the door to life.
When Joel hadn't returned after another minute, Amy slowly strolled through another door that led her to the living room.
It was just as lovingly decorated, only in here, the absence of any living creature became even more apparent.
On the table, rotten food sat on elegant porcelain lined with gold details on the rim. Amy could spot a wine bottle, two glasses that were completely empty, and dust that had gathered upon the surface.
This didn't look good.
There were endless possibilities running through Amy's mind, but every single one had an ugly undertone.
Joel appeared suddenly, his face rigid and dour as ever, though he had his head lowered. She pieced the puzzle together automatically, and when her eyes fell upon a letter on the coffee table, she had to gulp.
"Are they..." she began but didn't feel the need to finish the thought in front of Joel.
"Yes."
"Shit. I'm sorry."
She had no idea how close Joel had been with the two men. Hell, she didn't even have a clue whether Joel was generally capable of close human relationships, but Amy had learned to offer her condolences when someone's friend had passed.
Nodding once, Joel clenched his hands into fists, his eyes landing on the letter as well. Contrary to what she had thought would happen, he didn't move at once. He just kept his gaze fixed on the item as though his stare could magically make the paper levitate in his direction. But then his broad body moved so suddenly that Amy flinched.
In order to give Joel some peace while he read the words, she observed all the different furnishings closely, such as the olive-colored couch, the wall decorations, the lamps, and the calendar by the kitchen door.
Just when she was about to examine the leftovers of the food on their plates, Joel abruptly slammed the letter back onto the table.
To say that Amy was curious was an understatement. She would have loved to find out what exactly had happened to Bill and Frank, why they had ended it that way, and what words they had felt the need to write to Joel, but she didn't want to risk pissing him off further. Amy had lost people too, and even without having more insight into Joel's relationships, she suspected that an inquisition wasn't what he wished for right now.
"Get up."
His cutting voice made the air around her vibrate. Her body reacted automatically, her feet planting in front of him.
"Okay. Here's what's gonna happen." Joel sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair like he was still doubtful about what he was going to say. "We're gonna grab all the supplies we can find. Bill and Frank left us all they have, their food, their weapons, their clothes, their... car."
Joel's voice stammered, his eyes scurrying across Amy's face.
"We're gonna take whatever we can grab. Fill the car with it. Then we're gonna go west. My brother is... west. In Wyoming. He used to be a firefly so he might know where they are."
She didn't answer at once, just glaring back at Joel, whose jaw and neck were still stiff.
"Okay," she whispered after a while and grabbed the ends of her sleeves just to keep her hands busy.
"But if we do that, we're gonna set up some rules." Joel's teeth clenched. "You're gonna do as I say. When I tell you to shut up, you shut up. When I tell you to move, you move. When I tell you to stay somewhere, you don't move. Am I clear?"
Amy nodded slowly, feeling cowed by the sharpness in his voice.
"Say it."
"I understand. I'm gonna do as you say."
His head swayed slowly, his eyes moving away from her face at last to properly take in the room for the first time.
"Okay. We're gonna go through the rooms on the second floor and put the stuff we need in bags. C'mon."
She inhaled deeply, thoughts swirling rapidly through her head. All the plans she had silently made, her idea of how things were going to go once they arrived here, were thrown overboard.
And Amy didn't even have time to process all of it as Joel was already striding toward the staircase.
Contains: violence, death, canon typical themes, fighting, angst, tension, strong language, hostility, Joel being Joel, references to past trauma, they both need a hug
Wordcount: 5,587
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel stuffed his water bottle back inside his bag, glancing up to watch Amy pull her jacket tighter around her body. She was clearly freezing, given the way her shoulders were hauled up to her ears, shaky hands shoved inside her pockets.
"Here."
He peeled his jacket off and dangled it in front of her to grab it. She didn't though, which irritated him.
"Take it."
"I don't need it."
"You clearly do. You're freezin'."
She released a breath, making Joel believe that she was about to give in, but her hands remained snug within her pockets.
"I don't want it."
"Why?" His tone was harsh and cold, but Jesus, his composure was about to snap with her stubbornness, her way of contradicting him for no reason. Hell, it was better for both of them if she didn't get sick. It would certainly spare him many complaints from her.
"I just don't want it."
"Take it. Or you're gonna get sick."
Finally, her trembling hand slowly stretched toward him, catching the piece of clothing Joel dropped.
"You gotta drink some water. We're gonna keep walkin' in five minutes."
"I'm not a child. You don't have to remind me when to drink fuckin' water."
Though his mood had just calmed down as she had followed his order, new rage was brewing in his belly at once. Shit, his nerves were thin after everything that had happened, he didn't need another quarrel with Amy that only had one purpose: agitating his anger.
"I'm supposed to look out for you, you understand that? That's what I promised Marlene, and it's – what I promised 'er." His voice quivered ever so slightly, hopefully in a way that would go by unnoticed by Amy.
"I'm gonna get ya to Bill and Frank, so for me to do that, I can't have ya pass out from dehydration after a fucking mile. Do you understand me or is there anything unclear about that?"
"Who are Bill and Frank?" Amy asked, but she was met with a steep groan, nothing else.
"Joel."
"What?" he barked and fastened the straps of his rucksack, thinking that her ungrateful ass didn't deserve the five minute break he had promised her.
"It's not my fault Tess did that. I… I'm sorry that it happened, but I – I mean if you blame me, I… I just – She got infected. That sucks, but that's not my fault."
"Get up," Joel uttered, hands clenched into fists that hopefully prevented him from driving his fist into a tree close by.
"What, you just don't wanna talk about it?"
"No I don't. I want you to keep your mouth shut about Tess, about anything that's got to do with her – actually, you can just keep your mouth shut the entire time."
In Joel's mind, that was all that needed to be said, which was why he set off while Amy hurried up to catch up to him, clearly startled by the severity of his words. Fortunately, she followed his advice that was more closely related to an instruction than to guidance.
For a while, Joel and Amy were hiking through the forest side by side, Joel's eyes strictly ahead on the road while Amy's were scurrying around as if she were trying to suck in every scene from every angle. Had this girl never seen an abandoned city or a forest before? Where the hell had she grown up?
"How many days is it gonna take? To get to – Bill and Frank."
He scarcely even reacted, just his pupils snapping to the left for a beat before they found their familiar spot on the ground again.
"We're gonna be there tomorrow. Afternoon, probably."
"Can you tell me who they are?"
"Friends."
Amy nodded slowly, at least that was what he could assume she was doing after darting a glance at her from the corner of his eye.
"Of yours or of Tess's?"
"Both."
"Are you angry at me or something?"
"Are you fucking kiddin' me?" He finally shot her a furious look that seemed to make her remember something. Whom she was talking to, hopefully. Amy looked like she was shrinking beneath his gaze, her throat bulging as she swallowed hard.
"I told you that I – "
"No, I told you to keep your mouth shut, didn't I?" Joel exhaled unevenly, his breath a little shaky, which irritated him.
"I'm sorry about what happened. I really am. But what you're doing is very unfair, and I think it's gonna make this even more difficult."
Despite his initial urge to tell her to shut up once more, he couldn't help but shoot back another snarky reply.
"This? What is this? There is nothing. I'm gonna leave you with Bill and Frank tomorrow, and after that, we're never gonna see each other again. You better already forget my face."
"You're a real asshole, you know that? You've been treating me like a fucking monster from the start and now you're blaming me for Tess's death and I'm not even saying –"
Joel's hand extended suddenly, grabbing Amy by her shoulder. His fingers dug into her flesh forcefully, most likely creating a mark at that very moment, but if it was what it would take for her to learn her lesson, Joel gladly accepted it.
"I told you not to talk about her. Don't say her name. Don't mention her. You know that I could leave you out here, don't you? Maybe you're immune to the cordyceps but that doesn't mean that you can't be ripped apart by infected. Or by fucking wolves. So if you wanna survive, you. Don't. Mention. Her."
Amy squirmed under his grip, but then she nodded weakly, rubbing her arm for the second time today once he had let go.
This time, Joel didn't tell her to start moving. He was so done with her behavior, he might as well throw up in the bushes and hope that his upset stomach would settle down. Maybe he would have done so, if the food inside his belly hadn't been too precious.
Two hours later, Joel and Amy set camp in the middle of the forest.
Since they didn't have any sleeping bags with them, they had to use their jackets as bedding and wrap themselves in all the clothes they possessed, which weren't a lot, but it would have to suffice for tonight.
They spread them out in utter silence, sat down in silence and even spent most of their dinner in silence. They were busy chewing anyway, Joel found. When Amy was just about to finish the second of her delicious-looking sandwiches Marlene had given her as provisions for her journey, she raised her raspy voice for the first time in hours.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Depends," was his short response.
"What are you gonna do after you bring me to Bill and Frank? Are you gonna head back to the QZ?"
Obviously, it was none of her business. He had no obligation to share any of his ideas or plans for the future with her.
"No. I'm gonna find my brother."
"Your brother? Where is he?"
Joel sighed faintly, taking a bite from the dried bacon he had found in the last forgotten corner of his bag. It was really time to get to Bill and Frank, get a proper meal and trade for food and other supplies he was in need of.
"I don't know. If I knew, I wouldn't have to find him, would I?"
"No, I mean, do you have a rough idea?"
"Yeah."
Amy waited, clearly expecting him to add something else, but when he didn't speak, she opened her mouth again. This time, Joel was faster, though.
"Eat up. Then get some sleep."
"Sleep," Amy scoffed, pointedly glancing at the pile of clothes beneath her. "I don't think I'm gonna be able to."
"Why?" Joel asked before he could have possibly stopped himself.
"No, it's okay… Just – you know… The cold. And we're in the middle of fucking nowhere. But it's fine, it's gonna have to do."
Amy avoided his gaze as she pulled her legs to her chest, resting her chin on her kneecap. He waited without knowing what for.
"Take it." He took off his jacket like he had done earlier, shoving it roughly against her chest, but Joel assumed that she would be grateful regardless.
"Really?"
"Yes. I'll be fine."
In truth, there was no real answer for why he felt generous enough to forgo the piece of clothing to ensure she experienced more comfort during the night. The only thing Joel could come up with to justify his action was the sight of her small frame, her pale face, as well as her ensnared fingers. She looked helpless and scared. She most certainly didn't deserve his kindness, but the sight moved him in some way. It was an instinct, not a conscious choice. Besides, he didn't want her to freeze to death under his watch.
"Thank you."
Joel nodded briefly, then glanced at the rest of her sandwich.
"Now eat. It's also gonna help you with the cold. And don't fuckin' tell me that you don't wanna be treated like a child. I'm just tryna make ya stay alive."
Amy swallowed heavily but followed his advice without another snappy comment, which pacified his thrumming heart at last.
After she was done, and Joel was too, there was no reason to stay awake another minute, so he spread out his clothes a little more and lay down on his side, facing the deserted expanses of the forest. Even he had to admit that the gnarled, thin branches looked eerie, reminding him of the slender wrists of ghosts or monsters. He wondered if Amy felt that way too.
"Joel?"
It was as though she had read his thoughts.
"What?" he snapped in the opposite direction.
He heard some rustling as she lay down as well, buried underneath a pile of clothes that would ideally keep her warm during the night.
"We should keep watch, shouldn’t we?"
"Not here."
"Why?"
He stirred slightly, turning on his back but not yet changing his orientation. An owl cried nearby, and somewhere farther away a wolf barked.
"'Cause there ain't gonna be anyone here."
"What about infected?"
"Clickers won't see us, and we won't make any sound tonight. And we're not gonna keep on any light. We should be fine."
Joel closed his eyes. Still, it felt like the conversation wasn't over yet. In her mind, at least.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, goddamnit. Now sleep. Or you're gonna attract raiders with your voice."
"Raiders?"
Groaning softly, Joel turned toward her at last, though all he could see of her face were her eyes. Amy had pulled her sweatshirt up to cover her mouth and nose, while the hood was hiding her hair and brow.
"They won't come here. Why should they? Unless we make any light or noise. Now sleep. It will be easiest if you sleep. It's just a second, and then it will be the next day."
"But for that, I have to fall asleep first..."
Amy received no answer.
Joel could see her nose scrunch before he turned on his back again, glaring up at the night sky. It was cloudy with the exception of a small gap within the opaque veil, which showed him a glimpse of the silvery moon. Everything about the sight only added to the mysterious, unearthly feeling that lay upon the forest.
The next night would be easier. Perhaps he could even spend it in a comfortable bed within the safe walls of Bill and Frank's house, if they would be kind enough to let him stay for the night before they took Amy to Colorado.
Yes, a bed would be good, even if it was just for one night.
Amy
Amy woke up so suddenly, her heart jumped in her chest. She blinked a few times into the sun, thinking that she couldn't remember the last time she had been woken up by nature. By the natural daily cycle.
The next thing she noticed was the biting cold unfurling across her calves. She must have moved in her sleep, which had caused her jeans to ride up her legs. Quickly, she adjusted her clothes, tucked the end of Joel's jacket underneath her body, and turned around to see if he was awake yet.
Just when she looked at his face, a muscle twitched in his cheek, but he appeared to be soundly asleep with his steadily rising chest. Was she supposed to wake him up? Were they in a hurry to reach the ominous Bill and Frank as soon as possible? Or did Joel place value in a long, restful night before the last stage of their travels?
Amy decided to delay her decision until later and folded her hands on top of her stomach, covered by his jacket, of course. It smelled good, she had to admit. Not scruffy or sweaty as she had expected. Obviously, she didn't feel like she was burying her nose in a flower meadow, but the scent reminded her of wood and leather. Yeah, that fit with the picture of Joel that had formed in her head over the past day.
Wood and leather. Hardness. Strength. Uncompromising doggedness. Generosity, maybe? Amy wasn't sure yet. After all, he had willingly given her his jacket the night before, which had warmed her up in a way that hadn't been enough to keep every part of her body completely comfortable, but she didn't want to know how much worse it would have been without it.
So was there a soft side to him? Or had he only been driven by his hunger for Marlene's reward that awaited him after he had delivered her to her?
Amy would have rather bitten off her own tongue than even just say it out loud when no one else was around, but she wasn't utterly immune to his protection the way she was immune to the cordyceps. Unless, of course, there had been a different reason why she had felt the skin of her forearms prickle and why she had had to swallow extra hard to make the lump in her throat disappear.
Secretly, Amy suspected that her reaction was rooted somewhere in the past twenty years of her life, though she didn't care to go back to that place too extensively. No matter how awfully and rudely Joel treated her, at least he made sure she didn't get killed on her way to Bill and Frank. And that was something that got to her, no matter if she liked it or not. It was simply too easy to feel safe in Joel's presence, even though she might have gone insane for thinking that way.
He was impolite and mean to her, leaving no opportunity to make her feel dumb and unimportant. But at least he protected her. Not in a selfless and amiable way like Amy had always wished for growing up, but the outcome was just the same. Besides, it wasn't like she could control her body's reaction anyway.
Amy was ripped from her thoughts when the bunch of clothes next to her shifted. After some blinking and a low groan, Joel straightened up, his hair messed up and standing in all directions, which indicated that he had been just as restless as she had.
"Morning," Amy whispered and sat up as well.
"Mhm," he just grunted in response, making her doubt her attitude toward him all over again. Maybe he was just an arrogant, impudent asshole who couldn't have cared less about her life. Maybe he was just dreaming of getting rid of her as fast as possible and showed brief signs of cordiality so Amy wouldn't run away from him.
Did she have a choice, though? She wouldn't survive a day in the wild, and once she had eaten all her food, her end would be imminent.
Ten minutes later, Joel and Amy were nibbling at their food, which couldn't have been more different. She was chewing another one of her sandwiches, whereas Joel had to content himself with a few slices of plain bread and some almonds.
"Do you want some?" Amy said after a while, holding out the last remaining sandwich.
It was precious to her, sure, especially in case she actually ended up alone out here. But if Joel would understand it as some kind of peace offering, it might be worth a shot.
It wasn't like Amy was eager to uphold the ongoing dispute with him, though she had felt hostile toward him in the beginning. But now, with Tess gone and her supplies fading away, she sort of depended on him until Joel had brought her to his friends, who might be a little friendlier. She would surely benefit from him changing his feelings toward her and brightening his mood.
"No."
Great. So he was grumpy again. Perhaps it was just his nature, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. How had Tess handled that? Amy was seriously curious to know.
"Fine," she scoffed, putting the sandwich back inside the plastic bag with more force than necessary. "When are we gonna leave?"
If Joel treated her so coolly, why be nice to him? He didn't appreciate her truce but preferred to stay that ignorant, sullen prick who—
"Right now. Pack your things."
Another inimical reply tingled on her tongue, but she swallowed it and instead ground her teeth.
"Joel?"
He barely even twitched a lash, which bewildered her. How was he able not to shriek in startlement the way she usually did when someone suddenly raised their voice at her?
"What?"
"You know all about the world before the outbreak," she carefully asked, not wanting to upset him at once but to feel her way slowly.
"Is that a question?"
"No. I mean, I assume that you know all about the world before the outbreak."
Finally, his neck turned, and his dark eyes scanned her earnest expression. For once, Amy had a genuine interest in the answer to the question she was about to ask and didn't plan to taunt him.
"Yeah. Why?" he growled, his eyes flashing suspiciously.
"Can you tell me about it?"
"What?"
Scoffing harshly, Joel pulled up his shoulders, picking up the pace slightly as though to flee from her annoying questions. But Amy wouldn't give up. What did it matter anyway? In two hours, they would arrive at the place of those two guys who would hopefully take care of her, and she could say goodbye to Joel. Even if she was sinking lower in his estimation, Amy would forget all about that and this strange man in the coming days and never feel any consequences of their fighting for the rest of her life.
"I wanna know about how you lived. What you did all day."
"Didn't you have parents to tell ya about it? School?"
"My parents died when I was young."
She had told that piece of information to Tess the other day, and until now, Amy had believed that Joel had shamelessly eavesdropped on the two of them.
"So school."
"C'mon. I went to FEDRA school, okay? We didn't learn about... you know, the real daily lives of people. We learned about history and science. But not that. Besides, that was years ago."
"What do you wanna know, then, mhm?" Joel sighed like there was nothing he was less keen to do than have this conversation with Amy.
"What did you do when there was nothing else to do?"
He thought about it for a few seconds, his wrinkled forehead furrowed.
"Sometimes I read books. Or I played the guitar."
"You play guitar?" Amy asked, her features involuntarily drawing with interest and even delight.
Well, that was fascinating. She had once seen a couple of kids in FEDRA school play a ukulele, but she only knew what a guitar sounded like from TVs and her headphones. Joel, on the other hand, looked like he instantly regretted telling her about that part of his history and would have liked to take it back.
"I did. Yeah."
"That's nice. My mother played the piano before the outbreak. She even had lessons."
Amy absent-mindedly kicked a stone away, smiling at the memories that were more than blurry in her mind, but whenever she focused on them with all her willpower, she swore she could see her mother's ash-blond locks, as well as the dimples on her face.
"Great. Congrats, I guess."
"Fuck you," she hissed, the lines around her mouth pulling taut in an instant.
"You were the one who started this."
"Yeah, because I prefer to talk about something instead of boring myself to death."
The two of them remained silent for a beat, both mulling over what to say next, though Amy first and foremost contemplated whether it was worth forcefully keeping up their conversation.
"You're from Texas, aren't you?"
For the first time, surprise flickered across his face, though it was short-lived and faint.
"Yeah. How do you know?"
"Your accent. Obviously."
"Oh, sorry, Miss I-went-to-FEDRA-school."
Amy's eyebrows shot together, her eyes squeezing into two small slits.
"Do I sound like I'm proud that I went there?"
"No. But you're a smartass."
Joel looked fully unbothered by their argument, which only increased the temperature of the searing blood rushing through her veins.
"You got a strong accent. I'm gonna guess... Dallas?"
"Austin."
"Close."
"Not really."
Amy rolled her eyes, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "Austin... I went there once."
"Congratulations."
Deciding to just ignore his scathing comments, she continued speaking like she was the only one there.
"I can't remember, obviously. I must've been... three. But I have a photo."
"I don't wanna see."
"I didn't offer to show it to you, did I?" Amy sneered loudly, her jaw so tight she felt as though she were about to crack a tooth.
"Whatever. Are you done now?"
"What was your job before the outbreak?"
"None of your fuckin' business."
Amy halted, which seemed to catch him off guard, his feet coming to an abrupt stop as well. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah?" Joel shrugged.
"Oh my god, you're the child here, you know that?"
She lengthened her stride and suddenly set in motion. For once, she felt like she had the upper hand, like she was the reasonable, balanced adult rather than the needy child.
"I was a contractor. You know what that is?" Joel blurted after a short pause.
"Yes," Amy lied and stubbornly glared ahead of her, though the sun stung her eyes. It was a tolerable pill to swallow if it meant remaining the one with a clear head.
"What about you, mhm?"
"I was four years old when the outbreak happened," she hissed through gritted teeth, her chin high in the sky.
"I know, smartass. What was your job before Marlene picked you up? Did FEDRA pay you to be their break clown?"
"Funny," she scorned and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I worked in a shop that repaired clothes and shoes. Sometimes electronics too."
"Mhm," Joel snorted, showing no interest at all, but Amy hadn't expected anything else, even though he had been the one to ask.
"What about..." she started, but her voice trailed off, remembering one of the core rules Joel had told her.
No mention of Tess.
Even though her need to say something about the incident that had occurred the other day, as well as her curiosity, wasn't slaked yet, she was hesitant to strain Joel's nerves by bringing her up again, which was why she bit her tongue.
"What?" he snapped, his jaw flexing.
"Nothing."
"Do that more often."
Amy frowned, then put her confusion into words. "What?"
"Remembering to keep your mouth shut," Joel answered without a trace of amusement or anger in his tone. It was pure neutrality. Cold, distant indifference.
Amy's mouth opened, the words bubbling in her throat, but Joel actually had the audacity to cut her off and even lift his hand.
"No. Shut up."
She hated how much it got to her. How infuriated and livid his words made her feel, how hurt she felt deep inside despite knowing that this man was an insignificant, irrelevant person in her life and that his opinions and feelings toward her didn't matter at all.
Joel most definitely wasn't the first to willfully insult her or humiliate her with the phrases tumbling out of his mouth, but perhaps she had just never gotten used to it over the course of the past twenty-four years of her life.
Amy's mouth tightened, her hands forming fists, which she shoved deep inside the pockets of her jacket. Fine, if he wanted to behave like an imbecile, she would simply dwell on her own thoughts and not pay any attention to him until she absolutely needed to.
Two hours later, Joel cleared his throat, jutting his shoulder out to signal to Amy that the fence they were about to reach was the one they were searching for.
"Is that their home?" she asked, softly whistling at the sight of the heavy gate. She had expected a lot of things, but she had presumed that an abandoned cabin would be more likely than a whole goddamn town.
"Yeah. That's it..."
"Do you know the code?" Amy peered at Joel's profile. He seemed lost in his thoughts for a heartbeat before his body flinched and he cleared his throat for a second time.
"Yeah. Step aside."
His fingers flying over the number pad, Joel had his eyebrows low on his face, his features contorted with deep focus.
"Is... everything fine?"
"Yeah. Why shouldn't it be?" he answered and opened the gate, leading to a broad path that meandered through a town that looked both desolate and inhabited at the same time.
The houses were clean and tidy, not grey and splintered like the facades of the buildings Amy was used to in the QZ. Some even looked rather friendly with their planted front gardens and the colorful sunflowers that seemed to smile at her.
It was... unreal. A strange dream.
This was exactly what Amy had imagined neighborhoods in the rural areas of the country to look like before the outbreak. Whoever Bill and Frank were, they either had gone crazy, were geniuses, or had gotten very lucky and FEDRA had missed that little town in the middle of Massachusetts.
"Joel?" Amy whispered while Joel guided the two of them to one of the houses at the end of the street. It was just as well maintained as the rest of them, with a plant bed next to it, the lawn neatly trimmed, and the door painted a bright yellow, but it didn't look as untouched as the rest.
"What?" He seemed to be elsewhere with his thoughts.
"What the fuck is going on here?"
"What do you mean?" Joel barked, like the answer was right there on the table for everyone to see.
"What is this place?"
"Bill. He was a survivalist before the outbreak. You know what the government did in the first weeks of the outbreak?"
Amy looked up at him, surprised by Joel giving her the explanation she had asked for. "No."
"They evacuated most of the cities in this area. Well, Bill didn't want that, so he locked himself in the basement of his house, waited for everyone to leave, and then built his place."
"So he... he's been living here for twenty years?"
Joel shrugged faintly, pursing his lips as they stepped onto the porch of the house. "Yeah. I don't think there're many people on this continent who are livin' better lives."
Pushing the handle down, his eyes narrowed. It opened without any resistance.
"Stay by the door," he instructed Amy, whose gaze curiously drifted around the hallway, the paintings on the wall, and the flower bouquets on a wooden cupboard. Their heads were drooped, the stems starting to wilt, but they still couldn't have been picked more than a week ago.
"Where are they?" Amy whispered, somehow feeling intimidated by the house despite its beauty.
"I don't know. Stay here, I'll be right back."
She watched the dark-haired back of his head disappear through a door, then turned toward the canvases. Most of them depicted landscapes: flower meadows, mountains piling up at the horizon, and enraged storm clouds that looked on the verge of exploding, colored in all different shades of blue and purple.
Amy smiled gently, wondering which of the two men living here was the artist. Probably Frank. She couldn't picture a survivalist bringing such softness as the orange-pink flowers on the painting by the door to life.
When Joel hadn't returned after another minute, Amy slowly strolled through another door that led her to the living room.
It was just as lovingly decorated, only in here, the absence of any living creature became even more apparent.
On the table, rotten food sat on elegant porcelain lined with gold details on the rim. Amy could spot a wine bottle, two glasses that were completely empty, and dust that had gathered upon the surface.
This didn't look good.
There were endless possibilities running through Amy's mind, but every single one had an ugly undertone.
Joel appeared suddenly, his face rigid and dour as ever, though he had his head lowered. She pieced the puzzle together automatically, and when her eyes fell upon a letter on the coffee table, she had to gulp.
"Are they..." she began but didn't feel the need to finish the thought in front of Joel.
"Yes."
"Shit. I'm sorry."
She had no idea how close Joel had been with the two men. Hell, she didn't even have a clue whether Joel was generally capable of close human relationships, but Amy had learned to offer her condolences when someone's friend had passed.
Nodding once, Joel clenched his hands into fists, his eyes landing on the letter as well. Contrary to what she had thought would happen, he didn't move at once. He just kept his gaze fixed on the item as though his stare could magically make the paper levitate in his direction. But then his broad body moved so suddenly that Amy flinched.
In order to give Joel some peace while he read the words, she observed all the different furnishings closely, such as the olive-colored couch, the wall decorations, the lamps, and the calendar by the kitchen door.
Just when she was about to examine the leftovers of the food on their plates, Joel abruptly slammed the letter back onto the table.
To say that Amy was curious was an understatement. She would have loved to find out what exactly had happened to Bill and Frank, why they had ended it that way, and what words they had felt the need to write to Joel, but she didn't want to risk pissing him off further. Amy had lost people too, and even without having more insight into Joel's relationships, she suspected that an inquisition wasn't what he wished for right now.
"Get up."
His cutting voice made the air around her vibrate. Her body reacted automatically, her feet planting in front of him.
"Okay. Here's what's gonna happen." Joel sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair like he was still doubtful about what he was going to say. "We're gonna grab all the supplies we can find. Bill and Frank left us all they have, their food, their weapons, their clothes, their... car."
Joel's voice stammered, his eyes scurrying across Amy's face.
"We're gonna take whatever we can grab. Fill the car with it. Then we're gonna go west. My brother is... west. In Wyoming. He used to be a firefly so he might know where they are."
She didn't answer at once, just glaring back at Joel, whose jaw and neck were still stiff.
"Okay," she whispered after a while and grabbed the ends of her sleeves just to keep her hands busy.
"But if we do that, we're gonna set up some rules." Joel's teeth clenched. "You're gonna do as I say. When I tell you to shut up, you shut up. When I tell you to move, you move. When I tell you to stay somewhere, you don't move. Am I clear?"
Amy nodded slowly, feeling cowed by the sharpness in his voice.
"Say it."
"I understand. I'm gonna do as you say."
His head swayed slowly, his eyes moving away from her face at last to properly take in the room for the first time.
"Okay. We're gonna go through the rooms on the second floor and put the stuff we need in bags. C'mon."
She inhaled deeply, thoughts swirling rapidly through her head. All the plans she had silently made, her idea of how things were going to go once they arrived here, were thrown overboard.
And Amy didn't even have time to process all of it as Joel was already striding toward the staircase.
Contains: violence, death, canon typical themes, fighting, angst, tension, strong language, hostility, Joel being Joel, references to past trauma, they both need a hug
Wordcount: 5,587
Masterlist of this story
Masterlist
Joel stuffed his water bottle back inside his bag, glancing up to watch Amy pull her jacket tighter around her body. She was clearly freezing, given the way her shoulders were hauled up to her ears, shaky hands shoved inside her pockets.
"Here."
He peeled his jacket off and dangled it in front of her to grab it. She didn't though, which irritated him.
"Take it."
"I don't need it."
"You clearly do. You're freezin'."
She released a breath, making Joel believe that she was about to give in, but her hands remained snug within her pockets.
"I don't want it."
"Why?" His tone was harsh and cold, but Jesus, his composure was about to snap with her stubbornness, her way of contradicting him for no reason. Hell, it was better for both of them if she didn't get sick. It would certainly spare him many complaints from her.
"I just don't want it."
"Take it. Or you're gonna get sick."
Finally, her trembling hand slowly stretched toward him, catching the piece of clothing Joel dropped.
"You gotta drink some water. We're gonna keep walkin' in five minutes."
"I'm not a child. You don't have to remind me when to drink fuckin' water."
Though his mood had just calmed down as she had followed his order, new rage was brewing in his belly at once. Shit, his nerves were thin after everything that had happened, he didn't need another quarrel with Amy that only had one purpose: agitating his anger.
"I'm supposed to look out for you, you understand that? That's what I promised Marlene, and it's – what I promised 'er." His voice quivered ever so slightly, hopefully in a way that would go by unnoticed by Amy.
"I'm gonna get ya to Bill and Frank, so for me to do that, I can't have ya pass out from dehydration after a fucking mile. Do you understand me or is there anything unclear about that?"
"Who are Bill and Frank?" Amy asked, but she was met with a steep groan, nothing else.
"Joel."
"What?" he barked and fastened the straps of his rucksack, thinking that her ungrateful ass didn't deserve the five minute break he had promised her.
"It's not my fault Tess did that. I… I'm sorry that it happened, but I – I mean if you blame me, I… I just – She got infected. That sucks, but that's not my fault."
"Get up," Joel uttered, hands clenched into fists that hopefully prevented him from driving his fist into a tree close by.
"What, you just don't wanna talk about it?"
"No I don't. I want you to keep your mouth shut about Tess, about anything that's got to do with her – actually, you can just keep your mouth shut the entire time."
In Joel's mind, that was all that needed to be said, which was why he set off while Amy hurried up to catch up to him, clearly startled by the severity of his words. Fortunately, she followed his advice that was more closely related to an instruction than to guidance.
For a while, Joel and Amy were hiking through the forest side by side, Joel's eyes strictly ahead on the road while Amy's were scurrying around as if she were trying to suck in every scene from every angle. Had this girl never seen an abandoned city or a forest before? Where the hell had she grown up?
"How many days is it gonna take? To get to – Bill and Frank."
He scarcely even reacted, just his pupils snapping to the left for a beat before they found their familiar spot on the ground again.
"We're gonna be there tomorrow. Afternoon, probably."
"Can you tell me who they are?"
"Friends."
Amy nodded slowly, at least that was what he could assume she was doing after darting a glance at her from the corner of his eye.
"Of yours or of Tess's?"
"Both."
"Are you angry at me or something?"
"Are you fucking kiddin' me?" He finally shot her a furious look that seemed to make her remember something. Whom she was talking to, hopefully. Amy looked like she was shrinking beneath his gaze, her throat bulging as she swallowed hard.
"I told you that I – "
"No, I told you to keep your mouth shut, didn't I?" Joel exhaled unevenly, his breath a little shaky, which irritated him.
"I'm sorry about what happened. I really am. But what you're doing is very unfair, and I think it's gonna make this even more difficult."
Despite his initial urge to tell her to shut up once more, he couldn't help but shoot back another snarky reply.
"This? What is this? There is nothing. I'm gonna leave you with Bill and Frank tomorrow, and after that, we're never gonna see each other again. You better already forget my face."
"You're a real asshole, you know that? You've been treating me like a fucking monster from the start and now you're blaming me for Tess's death and I'm not even saying –"
Joel's hand extended suddenly, grabbing Amy by her shoulder. His fingers dug into her flesh forcefully, most likely creating a mark at that very moment, but if it was what it would take for her to learn her lesson, Joel gladly accepted it.
"I told you not to talk about her. Don't say her name. Don't mention her. You know that I could leave you out here, don't you? Maybe you're immune to the cordyceps but that doesn't mean that you can't be ripped apart by infected. Or by fucking wolves. So if you wanna survive, you. Don't. Mention. Her."
Amy squirmed under his grip, but then she nodded weakly, rubbing her arm for the second time today once he had let go.
This time, Joel didn't tell her to start moving. He was so done with her behavior, he might as well throw up in the bushes and hope that his upset stomach would settle down. Maybe he would have done so, if the food inside his belly hadn't been too precious.
Two hours later, Joel and Amy set camp in the middle of the forest.
Since they didn't have any sleeping bags with them, they had to use their jackets as bedding and wrap themselves in all the clothes they possessed, which weren't a lot, but it would have to suffice for tonight.
They spread them out in utter silence, sat down in silence and even spent most of their dinner in silence. They were busy chewing anyway, Joel found. When Amy was just about to finish the second of her delicious-looking sandwiches Marlene had given her as provisions for her journey, she raised her raspy voice for the first time in hours.
"Can I ask you something?"
"Depends," was his short response.
"What are you gonna do after you bring me to Bill and Frank? Are you gonna head back to the QZ?"
Obviously, it was none of her business. He had no obligation to share any of his ideas or plans for the future with her.
"No. I'm gonna find my brother."
"Your brother? Where is he?"
Joel sighed faintly, taking a bite from the dried bacon he had found in the last forgotten corner of his bag. It was really time to get to Bill and Frank, get a proper meal and trade for food and other supplies he was in need of.
"I don't know. If I knew, I wouldn't have to find him, would I?"
"No, I mean, do you have a rough idea?"
"Yeah."
Amy waited, clearly expecting him to add something else, but when he didn't speak, she opened her mouth again. This time, Joel was faster, though.
"Eat up. Then get some sleep."
"Sleep," Amy scoffed, pointedly glancing at the pile of clothes beneath her. "I don't think I'm gonna be able to."
"Why?" Joel asked before he could have possibly stopped himself.
"No, it's okay… Just – you know… The cold. And we're in the middle of fucking nowhere. But it's fine, it's gonna have to do."
Amy avoided his gaze as she pulled her legs to her chest, resting her chin on her kneecap. He waited without knowing what for.
"Take it." He took off his jacket like he had done earlier, shoving it roughly against her chest, but Joel assumed that she would be grateful regardless.
"Really?"
"Yes. I'll be fine."
In truth, there was no real answer for why he felt generous enough to forgo the piece of clothing to ensure she experienced more comfort during the night. The only thing Joel could come up with to justify his action was the sight of her small frame, her pale face, as well as her ensnared fingers. She looked helpless and scared. She most certainly didn't deserve his kindness, but the sight moved him in some way. It was an instinct, not a conscious choice. Besides, he didn't want her to freeze to death under his watch.
"Thank you."
Joel nodded briefly, then glanced at the rest of her sandwich.
"Now eat. It's also gonna help you with the cold. And don't fuckin' tell me that you don't wanna be treated like a child. I'm just tryna make ya stay alive."
Amy swallowed heavily but followed his advice without another snappy comment, which pacified his thrumming heart at last.
After she was done, and Joel was too, there was no reason to stay awake another minute, so he spread out his clothes a little more and lay down on his side, facing the deserted expanses of the forest. Even he had to admit that the gnarled, thin branches looked eerie, reminding him of the slender wrists of ghosts or monsters. He wondered if Amy felt that way too.
"Joel?"
It was as though she had read his thoughts.
"What?" he snapped in the opposite direction.
He heard some rustling as she lay down as well, buried underneath a pile of clothes that would ideally keep her warm during the night.
"We should keep watch, shouldn’t we?"
"Not here."
"Why?"
He stirred slightly, turning on his back but not yet changing his orientation. An owl cried nearby, and somewhere farther away a wolf barked.
"'Cause there ain't gonna be anyone here."
"What about infected?"
"Clickers won't see us, and we won't make any sound tonight. And we're not gonna keep on any light. We should be fine."
Joel closed his eyes. Still, it felt like the conversation wasn't over yet. In her mind, at least.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes, goddamnit. Now sleep. Or you're gonna attract raiders with your voice."
"Raiders?"
Groaning softly, Joel turned toward her at last, though all he could see of her face were her eyes. Amy had pulled her sweatshirt up to cover her mouth and nose, while the hood was hiding her hair and brow.
"They won't come here. Why should they? Unless we make any light or noise. Now sleep. It will be easiest if you sleep. It's just a second, and then it will be the next day."
"But for that, I have to fall asleep first..."
Amy received no answer.
Joel could see her nose scrunch before he turned on his back again, glaring up at the night sky. It was cloudy with the exception of a small gap within the opaque veil, which showed him a glimpse of the silvery moon. Everything about the sight only added to the mysterious, unearthly feeling that lay upon the forest.
The next night would be easier. Perhaps he could even spend it in a comfortable bed within the safe walls of Bill and Frank's house, if they would be kind enough to let him stay for the night before they took Amy to Colorado.
Yes, a bed would be good, even if it was just for one night.
Amy
Amy woke up so suddenly, her heart jumped in her chest. She blinked a few times into the sun, thinking that she couldn't remember the last time she had been woken up by nature. By the natural daily cycle.
The next thing she noticed was the biting cold unfurling across her calves. She must have moved in her sleep, which had caused her jeans to ride up her legs. Quickly, she adjusted her clothes, tucked the end of Joel's jacket underneath her body, and turned around to see if he was awake yet.
Just when she looked at his face, a muscle twitched in his cheek, but he appeared to be soundly asleep with his steadily rising chest. Was she supposed to wake him up? Were they in a hurry to reach the ominous Bill and Frank as soon as possible? Or did Joel place value in a long, restful night before the last stage of their travels?
Amy decided to delay her decision until later and folded her hands on top of her stomach, covered by his jacket, of course. It smelled good, she had to admit. Not scruffy or sweaty as she had expected. Obviously, she didn't feel like she was burying her nose in a flower meadow, but the scent reminded her of wood and leather. Yeah, that fit with the picture of Joel that had formed in her head over the past day.
Wood and leather. Hardness. Strength. Uncompromising doggedness. Generosity, maybe? Amy wasn't sure yet. After all, he had willingly given her his jacket the night before, which had warmed her up in a way that hadn't been enough to keep every part of her body completely comfortable, but she didn't want to know how much worse it would have been without it.
So was there a soft side to him? Or had he only been driven by his hunger for Marlene's reward that awaited him after he had delivered her to her?
Amy would have rather bitten off her own tongue than even just say it out loud when no one else was around, but she wasn't utterly immune to his protection the way she was immune to the cordyceps. Unless, of course, there had been a different reason why she had felt the skin of her forearms prickle and why she had had to swallow extra hard to make the lump in her throat disappear.
Secretly, Amy suspected that her reaction was rooted somewhere in the past twenty years of her life, though she didn't care to go back to that place too extensively. No matter how awfully and rudely Joel treated her, at least he made sure she didn't get killed on her way to Bill and Frank. And that was something that got to her, no matter if she liked it or not. It was simply too easy to feel safe in Joel's presence, even though she might have gone insane for thinking that way.
He was impolite and mean to her, leaving no opportunity to make her feel dumb and unimportant. But at least he protected her. Not in a selfless and amiable way like Amy had always wished for growing up, but the outcome was just the same. Besides, it wasn't like she could control her body's reaction anyway.
Amy was ripped from her thoughts when the bunch of clothes next to her shifted. After some blinking and a low groan, Joel straightened up, his hair messed up and standing in all directions, which indicated that he had been just as restless as she had.
"Morning," Amy whispered and sat up as well.
"Mhm," he just grunted in response, making her doubt her attitude toward him all over again. Maybe he was just an arrogant, impudent asshole who couldn't have cared less about her life. Maybe he was just dreaming of getting rid of her as fast as possible and showed brief signs of cordiality so Amy wouldn't run away from him.
Did she have a choice, though? She wouldn't survive a day in the wild, and once she had eaten all her food, her end would be imminent.
Ten minutes later, Joel and Amy were nibbling at their food, which couldn't have been more different. She was chewing another one of her sandwiches, whereas Joel had to content himself with a few slices of plain bread and some almonds.
"Do you want some?" Amy said after a while, holding out the last remaining sandwich.
It was precious to her, sure, especially in case she actually ended up alone out here. But if Joel would understand it as some kind of peace offering, it might be worth a shot.
It wasn't like Amy was eager to uphold the ongoing dispute with him, though she had felt hostile toward him in the beginning. But now, with Tess gone and her supplies fading away, she sort of depended on him until Joel had brought her to his friends, who might be a little friendlier. She would surely benefit from him changing his feelings toward her and brightening his mood.
"No."
Great. So he was grumpy again. Perhaps it was just his nature, and there wasn't anything she could do about it. How had Tess handled that? Amy was seriously curious to know.
"Fine," she scoffed, putting the sandwich back inside the plastic bag with more force than necessary. "When are we gonna leave?"
If Joel treated her so coolly, why be nice to him? He didn't appreciate her truce but preferred to stay that ignorant, sullen prick who—
"Right now. Pack your things."
Another inimical reply tingled on her tongue, but she swallowed it and instead ground her teeth.
"Joel?"
He barely even twitched a lash, which bewildered her. How was he able not to shriek in startlement the way she usually did when someone suddenly raised their voice at her?
"What?"
"You know all about the world before the outbreak," she carefully asked, not wanting to upset him at once but to feel her way slowly.
"Is that a question?"
"No. I mean, I assume that you know all about the world before the outbreak."
Finally, his neck turned, and his dark eyes scanned her earnest expression. For once, Amy had a genuine interest in the answer to the question she was about to ask and didn't plan to taunt him.
"Yeah. Why?" he growled, his eyes flashing suspiciously.
"Can you tell me about it?"
"What?"
Scoffing harshly, Joel pulled up his shoulders, picking up the pace slightly as though to flee from her annoying questions. But Amy wouldn't give up. What did it matter anyway? In two hours, they would arrive at the place of those two guys who would hopefully take care of her, and she could say goodbye to Joel. Even if she was sinking lower in his estimation, Amy would forget all about that and this strange man in the coming days and never feel any consequences of their fighting for the rest of her life.
"I wanna know about how you lived. What you did all day."
"Didn't you have parents to tell ya about it? School?"
"My parents died when I was young."
She had told that piece of information to Tess the other day, and until now, Amy had believed that Joel had shamelessly eavesdropped on the two of them.
"So school."
"C'mon. I went to FEDRA school, okay? We didn't learn about... you know, the real daily lives of people. We learned about history and science. But not that. Besides, that was years ago."
"What do you wanna know, then, mhm?" Joel sighed like there was nothing he was less keen to do than have this conversation with Amy.
"What did you do when there was nothing else to do?"
He thought about it for a few seconds, his wrinkled forehead furrowed.
"Sometimes I read books. Or I played the guitar."
"You play guitar?" Amy asked, her features involuntarily drawing with interest and even delight.
Well, that was fascinating. She had once seen a couple of kids in FEDRA school play a ukulele, but she only knew what a guitar sounded like from TVs and her headphones. Joel, on the other hand, looked like he instantly regretted telling her about that part of his history and would have liked to take it back.
"I did. Yeah."
"That's nice. My mother played the piano before the outbreak. She even had lessons."
Amy absent-mindedly kicked a stone away, smiling at the memories that were more than blurry in her mind, but whenever she focused on them with all her willpower, she swore she could see her mother's ash-blond locks, as well as the dimples on her face.
"Great. Congrats, I guess."
"Fuck you," she hissed, the lines around her mouth pulling taut in an instant.
"You were the one who started this."
"Yeah, because I prefer to talk about something instead of boring myself to death."
The two of them remained silent for a beat, both mulling over what to say next, though Amy first and foremost contemplated whether it was worth forcefully keeping up their conversation.
"You're from Texas, aren't you?"
For the first time, surprise flickered across his face, though it was short-lived and faint.
"Yeah. How do you know?"
"Your accent. Obviously."
"Oh, sorry, Miss I-went-to-FEDRA-school."
Amy's eyebrows shot together, her eyes squeezing into two small slits.
"Do I sound like I'm proud that I went there?"
"No. But you're a smartass."
Joel looked fully unbothered by their argument, which only increased the temperature of the searing blood rushing through her veins.
"You got a strong accent. I'm gonna guess... Dallas?"
"Austin."
"Close."
"Not really."
Amy rolled her eyes, chewing on the inside of her cheek. "Austin... I went there once."
"Congratulations."
Deciding to just ignore his scathing comments, she continued speaking like she was the only one there.
"I can't remember, obviously. I must've been... three. But I have a photo."
"I don't wanna see."
"I didn't offer to show it to you, did I?" Amy sneered loudly, her jaw so tight she felt as though she were about to crack a tooth.
"Whatever. Are you done now?"
"What was your job before the outbreak?"
"None of your fuckin' business."
Amy halted, which seemed to catch him off guard, his feet coming to an abrupt stop as well. "Are you serious?"
"Yeah?" Joel shrugged.
"Oh my god, you're the child here, you know that?"
She lengthened her stride and suddenly set in motion. For once, she felt like she had the upper hand, like she was the reasonable, balanced adult rather than the needy child.
"I was a contractor. You know what that is?" Joel blurted after a short pause.
"Yes," Amy lied and stubbornly glared ahead of her, though the sun stung her eyes. It was a tolerable pill to swallow if it meant remaining the one with a clear head.
"What about you, mhm?"
"I was four years old when the outbreak happened," she hissed through gritted teeth, her chin high in the sky.
"I know, smartass. What was your job before Marlene picked you up? Did FEDRA pay you to be their break clown?"
"Funny," she scorned and tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I worked in a shop that repaired clothes and shoes. Sometimes electronics too."
"Mhm," Joel snorted, showing no interest at all, but Amy hadn't expected anything else, even though he had been the one to ask.
"What about..." she started, but her voice trailed off, remembering one of the core rules Joel had told her.
No mention of Tess.
Even though her need to say something about the incident that had occurred the other day, as well as her curiosity, wasn't slaked yet, she was hesitant to strain Joel's nerves by bringing her up again, which was why she bit her tongue.
"What?" he snapped, his jaw flexing.
"Nothing."
"Do that more often."
Amy frowned, then put her confusion into words. "What?"
"Remembering to keep your mouth shut," Joel answered without a trace of amusement or anger in his tone. It was pure neutrality. Cold, distant indifference.
Amy's mouth opened, the words bubbling in her throat, but Joel actually had the audacity to cut her off and even lift his hand.
"No. Shut up."
She hated how much it got to her. How infuriated and livid his words made her feel, how hurt she felt deep inside despite knowing that this man was an insignificant, irrelevant person in her life and that his opinions and feelings toward her didn't matter at all.
Joel most definitely wasn't the first to willfully insult her or humiliate her with the phrases tumbling out of his mouth, but perhaps she had just never gotten used to it over the course of the past twenty-four years of her life.
Amy's mouth tightened, her hands forming fists, which she shoved deep inside the pockets of her jacket. Fine, if he wanted to behave like an imbecile, she would simply dwell on her own thoughts and not pay any attention to him until she absolutely needed to.
Two hours later, Joel cleared his throat, jutting his shoulder out to signal to Amy that the fence they were about to reach was the one they were searching for.
"Is that their home?" she asked, softly whistling at the sight of the heavy gate. She had expected a lot of things, but she had presumed that an abandoned cabin would be more likely than a whole goddamn town.
"Yeah. That's it..."
"Do you know the code?" Amy peered at Joel's profile. He seemed lost in his thoughts for a heartbeat before his body flinched and he cleared his throat for a second time.
"Yeah. Step aside."
His fingers flying over the number pad, Joel had his eyebrows low on his face, his features contorted with deep focus.
"Is... everything fine?"
"Yeah. Why shouldn't it be?" he answered and opened the gate, leading to a broad path that meandered through a town that looked both desolate and inhabited at the same time.
The houses were clean and tidy, not grey and splintered like the facades of the buildings Amy was used to in the QZ. Some even looked rather friendly with their planted front gardens and the colorful sunflowers that seemed to smile at her.
It was... unreal. A strange dream.
This was exactly what Amy had imagined neighborhoods in the rural areas of the country to look like before the outbreak. Whoever Bill and Frank were, they either had gone crazy, were geniuses, or had gotten very lucky and FEDRA had missed that little town in the middle of Massachusetts.
"Joel?" Amy whispered while Joel guided the two of them to one of the houses at the end of the street. It was just as well maintained as the rest of them, with a plant bed next to it, the lawn neatly trimmed, and the door painted a bright yellow, but it didn't look as untouched as the rest.
"What?" He seemed to be elsewhere with his thoughts.
"What the fuck is going on here?"
"What do you mean?" Joel barked, like the answer was right there on the table for everyone to see.
"What is this place?"
"Bill. He was a survivalist before the outbreak. You know what the government did in the first weeks of the outbreak?"
Amy looked up at him, surprised by Joel giving her the explanation she had asked for. "No."
"They evacuated most of the cities in this area. Well, Bill didn't want that, so he locked himself in the basement of his house, waited for everyone to leave, and then built his place."
"So he... he's been living here for twenty years?"
Joel shrugged faintly, pursing his lips as they stepped onto the porch of the house. "Yeah. I don't think there're many people on this continent who are livin' better lives."
Pushing the handle down, his eyes narrowed. It opened without any resistance.
"Stay by the door," he instructed Amy, whose gaze curiously drifted around the hallway, the paintings on the wall, and the flower bouquets on a wooden cupboard. Their heads were drooped, the stems starting to wilt, but they still couldn't have been picked more than a week ago.
"Where are they?" Amy whispered, somehow feeling intimidated by the house despite its beauty.
"I don't know. Stay here, I'll be right back."
She watched the dark-haired back of his head disappear through a door, then turned toward the canvases. Most of them depicted landscapes: flower meadows, mountains piling up at the horizon, and enraged storm clouds that looked on the verge of exploding, colored in all different shades of blue and purple.
Amy smiled gently, wondering which of the two men living here was the artist. Probably Frank. She couldn't picture a survivalist bringing such softness as the orange-pink flowers on the painting by the door to life.
When Joel hadn't returned after another minute, Amy slowly strolled through another door that led her to the living room.
It was just as lovingly decorated, only in here, the absence of any living creature became even more apparent.
On the table, rotten food sat on elegant porcelain lined with gold details on the rim. Amy could spot a wine bottle, two glasses that were completely empty, and dust that had gathered upon the surface.
This didn't look good.
There were endless possibilities running through Amy's mind, but every single one had an ugly undertone.
Joel appeared suddenly, his face rigid and dour as ever, though he had his head lowered. She pieced the puzzle together automatically, and when her eyes fell upon a letter on the coffee table, she had to gulp.
"Are they..." she began but didn't feel the need to finish the thought in front of Joel.
"Yes."
"Shit. I'm sorry."
She had no idea how close Joel had been with the two men. Hell, she didn't even have a clue whether Joel was generally capable of close human relationships, but Amy had learned to offer her condolences when someone's friend had passed.
Nodding once, Joel clenched his hands into fists, his eyes landing on the letter as well. Contrary to what she had thought would happen, he didn't move at once. He just kept his gaze fixed on the item as though his stare could magically make the paper levitate in his direction. But then his broad body moved so suddenly that Amy flinched.
In order to give Joel some peace while he read the words, she observed all the different furnishings closely, such as the olive-colored couch, the wall decorations, the lamps, and the calendar by the kitchen door.
Just when she was about to examine the leftovers of the food on their plates, Joel abruptly slammed the letter back onto the table.
To say that Amy was curious was an understatement. She would have loved to find out what exactly had happened to Bill and Frank, why they had ended it that way, and what words they had felt the need to write to Joel, but she didn't want to risk pissing him off further. Amy had lost people too, and even without having more insight into Joel's relationships, she suspected that an inquisition wasn't what he wished for right now.
"Get up."
His cutting voice made the air around her vibrate. Her body reacted automatically, her feet planting in front of him.
"Okay. Here's what's gonna happen." Joel sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair like he was still doubtful about what he was going to say. "We're gonna grab all the supplies we can find. Bill and Frank left us all they have, their food, their weapons, their clothes, their... car."
Joel's voice stammered, his eyes scurrying across Amy's face.
"We're gonna take whatever we can grab. Fill the car with it. Then we're gonna go west. My brother is... west. In Wyoming. He used to be a firefly so he might know where they are."
She didn't answer at once, just glaring back at Joel, whose jaw and neck were still stiff.
"Okay," she whispered after a while and grabbed the ends of her sleeves just to keep her hands busy.
"But if we do that, we're gonna set up some rules." Joel's teeth clenched. "You're gonna do as I say. When I tell you to shut up, you shut up. When I tell you to move, you move. When I tell you to stay somewhere, you don't move. Am I clear?"
Amy nodded slowly, feeling cowed by the sharpness in his voice.
"Say it."
"I understand. I'm gonna do as you say."
His head swayed slowly, his eyes moving away from her face at last to properly take in the room for the first time.
"Okay. We're gonna go through the rooms on the second floor and put the stuff we need in bags. C'mon."
She inhaled deeply, thoughts swirling rapidly through her head. All the plans she had silently made, her idea of how things were going to go once they arrived here, were thrown overboard.
And Amy didn't even have time to process all of it as Joel was already striding toward the staircase.
Javi shows you how much he loves you after a visit in the bar with his friends who couldn't stop teasing him about his new-found love...
Contains: smut, p in v sex, oral sex (m & f receiving), fingering, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, praise kink, dirty talk, use of pet names, light possessiveness, condom use, brief mention of morning-after pill, soft!Javi, teasing, crying during sex (from pleasure), fluff, domesticity, Javier is obsessed with you, "i love you" for the first time, yearning, soft ending, vulnerability, established relationship
Wordcount: 8,957
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Javi took a small sip from his whiskey, feeling the alcohol burn against his throat as he swallowed it.
"Seriously?" Steve barked, gripping his shoulders tightly, his behavior noticeably altered by the alcohol he had consumed so far. Which was a lot more than Javi had.
"You're still at your first drink, Javi? Jesus… You're in a bad mood?"
Derek and Tom, two more friends from work, exchanged knowing glances, then leaned forward.
"He's not in a bad mood, Steve. You know that. But he's got a place to be. Just watch this motherfucker leave the bar at 11 to go home to his lady," Derek laughed.
Javi rolled his eyes, though he didn't deny their accusations right away.
"Right…" Steve snorted, emptying his glass in one go. "The mystery lady. How is she? You're gonna go to her after this?"
"Of course he is. Our man couldn't sit still since we got here."
"Just look at him being all shy…"
Their voices were a swirling chaos, mixing with the music gushing from the speakers in the corners. All Javi could do was roll his eyes again and shake his head faintly.
"Will you shut up? Goddamnit…"
"Are we wrong, though? That's why he doesn't drink so much. Because he's got other plans."
Javi chose not to answer and neither deny nor confirm their suppositions. Obviously, they were right, Javi did was going to come over to your apartment after this, just like you and he had planned. But his friends didn't need to know that.
One might not expect it, but Javi had never in his life encountered people more keen to gossip than those three men. He would tell them more about you, of course. But everything in its time. And he definitely wanted to find a quieter moment than a bar at 10 o'clock.
"I can't believe Javier Peña is in love at last… Would you guys have ever believed it? If I told you three months ago that we would be sitting in a bar and instead of approaching a beautiful lady at the counter, Mr. Playboy would sit here with his first whiskey of the night thinking about his girlfriend? Doesn't sound right to me."
Steve chuckled softly, but Javi could see in his gaze that he wasn't actually irritated by the shift in his behavior. No… just like Derek and Tom, he seemed satisfied. Genuinely happy for Javi, which made his lips curl involuntarily.
That and… you, of course. He couldn't help it. With his friends bringing up the topic of you over and over, it wasn't difficult to get lost in all the memories in his head, the countless dates, every single angle he had ever seen of your beautiful smile, the wrinkles around your eyes when you laughed, and how you jutted your jaw forward whenever you were thinking hard. There were a million things he could tell his friends about you if the circumstances allowed. How your eyes for some reason teared up when you drank sparkling water. How you always stubbed your toe on the last step when you sprinted up the staircase. Javi had told you so many times that you should just take it slower, but somehow, he couldn't stop you from falling into your old patterns.
"He's dreaming again," Tommy suddenly said, making Javi's eyes focus on his friend wearing a broad grin. They were clearly amused by the change in him. It wasn't that Javi was a different person around you, but nowadays, his head so busy going over every single detail he had ever spotted on you and was most smitten with, he was seldom fully present.
"Sorry," Javi whispered, but didn't really sound it. He lowered his gaze to the counter, scanning the wooden lines until Steve patted his back.
"Don't be sorry. I'm proud of you, you know?" His voice was oozing sarcasm, but Javi chose to just listen to what his friend had to say.
"You're finally in love… And it suits you. You've got that glow about you, my friend."
"Glow?" Tom laughed loudly, leaning in closer as if he intended to scrutinize his expression more closely.
"Yeah. Sometimes. Like during lunch break on Wednesday."
Goddamnit, Javi already knew what Steve was talking about without him having to give him any more information.
"What happened?" Tom asked, looking between Derek and Steve.
"Right, you weren't there for it. Missed quite the party. We were all eating peacefully, going over a case when Javi got a phone call. I swear to god, he looked at the number for a second and then rushed out of the room saying that he really needed to take that. Steve and I spent ten minutes guessing who it was, and this guy was fucking convinced it couldn't be her because Javi wouldn't be that worked up about it, but when he came back, I knew I was right. Because that man's face was glowing."
Yes, Javi remembered that moment so clearly he could go back to it any time he wanted. You had called him because you had had an important business meeting that morning. After you had told him about it the day before, he had insisted on you letting him know how it had gone the second it was over, which was why he had spent most of his lunch break in the copy room, listening to you recount the meeting, which had fortunately gone very well.
As so often these days, Javi had felt his cheeks burn when he hung up the phone, which hadn't gone unnoticed by his colleagues. It was just the natural effect you had on him. The sound of your voice alone made his knees weak and the blood rush through his veins, even when you weren't even in the same room.
"Really?" Tom chuckled at that, ripping him from his thoughts. "You really have to introduce her to us, Javi. We need to know what she's like when she's got that kind of effect on you…"
"You will," he quickly assured them, drinking the last sip of his whiskey before putting the glass back down with a low thud. "You will get to know her. She's… incredible."
Steve, who always became a little more touchy when he'd had a lot to drink, put a hand on his shoulder.
"He looks like a teenage boy with his first crush, doesn't he, guys?"
Tom and Derek laughed in unison, examining Javi's clenched jaw and sweaty brow, which was evidence enough that the teasing was getting through to him.
"Not a crush, though," Derek then corrected. "That man is head over heels. Remember when we saw him daydreaming in the office with that stupid smile instead of working?"
Tom and Steve, who only now seemed to recall the moment, burst into laughter.
"Yeah, yeah… very funny," Javi growled.
"You've gotten soft, my friend. You've turned into a soft, loyal puppy. I don't know how much I like that version yet, but it was about damn time you found someone. Need to make sure you're capable of loving, don't we?"
An hour later, Javi quietly walked up the stairs of the apartment building you lived in. His keys, or rather your set of keys you had given him, since he basically stayed over every single night, were dangling at his side, his head a little languid even though he hadn't had more than one whiskey. Which had been the source of a lot of teasing.
Javi normally didn't mind a few drinks in the evening at all, especially on a Friday night. But as his friends had so astutely figured out, he didn't want to show up at your place drunk, stumbling through the door so that you would have to get him to bed like a helpless child. No, the prospect of coming home to you was motivation enough and a source of infinite happiness to keep his good mood up even while everyone around him was gradually getting more wasted. They were probably still at the bar right then, making jokes about the changes in Javi's lifestyle, how he seemed more content and at ease these days.
Some of the things Steve, Tom and Derek had said about him had actually been rather kind, things that Javi felt proud of, but at the same time, he hadn't been too sad about leaving his friends early. Well, most of his anticipation about exiting the bar had probably been tied to you, to be honest.
He slowly put the key in the lock, turning it as quietly as he could. Javi assumed you were still awake, but he couldn't be too careful, especially since you had complained about a headache earlier when he had come home after work. It had worried him enough to offer to stay in with you rather than go out with his friends, but you had insisted that he go, claiming that you would be fine with a relaxed evening on the couch and a large jug of fresh water.
"Javi… hey."
You were sitting at the kitchen table, hair loosely tied in a knot and a sudoku in front of you.
"Hi, sweetheart." He crossed the distance between the two of you in two large strides, then pressed his lips against the side of your head. "How are you? How's your head?"
"It's fine, baby. I drank so much water, I think I went to the toilet four times in the last hour, but it worked."
Releasing a soft breath, Javi pulled up a chair to sit down next to you. "Great… I was worried."
"You were?" you asked softly, lips pursed in sympathy. "No… I told you to enjoy yourself, didn't I?"
Your hand connected with his cheek, gently tracing along his shaven skin that was never fully even.
"I know. And I still had a very good time."
"Yes?"
Javi nodded. "Yeah. Even though they can't stop with the teasing."
"What teasing?" you asked, eyes wide, but he just snickered softly.
"Just the usual… You know, the stuff about me being distracted at work sometimes… Talking to you on the phone. They said I had a glow on my face on Wednesday during lunch break."
"Oh," you said, your hand dropping to rest on his thigh instead of his face.
"Yeah. I figured I should take it as a compliment. I think you should take it as a compliment," he then added, prompting you to chuckle lightly, your voice warm and soft against his skin.
"Maybe I should… They really can't stop, can they? I thought they would grow tired of teasing you about this after a week or two."
"Oh, they're persistent, baby," Javi muttered and briefly kissed you on the mouth, running a hand up and down your arm. "Today, they also said that you made me all soft. That you softened me."
"I softened you?" you repeated with raised eyebrows, a dark gleam shimmering in your eyes.
"I hope you disagree with that, Javi…" you hummed seductively, glancing at his crotch.
"Jesus, darling…" Javi muttered, only now realizing the double meaning behind his friends' comments.
"What? I would be very disappointed in myself if you agreed with that…" Your hand followed your eyes, drifting up his leg until your index finger trailed along the stitching of his jeans.
"You don't, do you?"
"No. I — don't," Javi murmured, voice threaded with a faint tremble that you might have imagined. Yes, there it was. Javi looked down his body where his cock was stirring beneath the confines of his underwear. He could both feel it and see it, which meant it hadn't gone unnoticed by you either.
"Good… I would rather like to make you harder, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Javi purred, leaning in once more to capture your mouth in a gentle, still explorative way, even though he knew the lines and curves of your lips better than he knew his own by now.
Meanwhile, the two of you had shifted to sit on the edge of your seats, minimizing the distance between your longing bodies as best as you could. But it just wasn't enough. Javi felt his cock uncomfortably rub against the tightly woven fabric of his jeans, your index finger ghosting over his crotch doing nothing to calm his breathing.
"Sweetheart…" he murmured, letting out a sharp hiss that tingled at the corner of your mouth.
And then, it wasn't enough anymore either. Javi felt frustrated sitting so far away from you, your back too far away to reach around and unclasp your bra. So he stood up abruptly, nostrils flaring as he took in the sight of you. You had that feverish glow about you, and maybe it was exactly what his friends had talked about earlier. If that was the case, it seemed to be infectious.
"Where are you going?" you breathed, sweetly sucking your bottom lip between your teeth. With a deep huff, he took a step forward, slung an arm around your back and hauled you up, pressing you close against his front as he headed for your bedroom.
"Oh, I'm taking you right with me, cariño…"
Everything about your apartment was so familiar, which was why Javi moved with such confidence, each stride willful and determined.
"You look so gorgeous, Javi."
Throaty laughter left him as he placed you in the center of the bed like he owned the room and everything inside it.
"Oh yeah? I'm flattered then…"
"I really need you inside me, Javi. Please. I… I thought about it all day."
Running a hand through his messy hair, Javi climbed onto the bed as well, the mattress sighing under his weight.
"Don't worry, hermosa, I'm gonna fill you up well… You want it right here?" Without any warning, Javi cupped your pussy, not moving or rubbing against you but just holding his hand right there while you squirmed and sighed heavily.
"Yes. Yes, there, Javi… But I would also like to suck it."
With the sole purpose of teasing you, he pretended to think about your request for a moment, lips pouty and brow furrowed. You, of course, knew that he would never deny such a proposal, which was why you quickly gripped his length through his jeans, although you weren't able to paw at him like you would have been had he worn sweatpants like you did right now.
"You're getting a little greedy now, aren't you?"
Despite his teasing, Javi didn't stop you when you moved to the edge of the bed, challengingly darting your eyes at the empty spot in the middle. How could he have possibly found the strength to do that? You were a perfect dream, the most beautiful and intoxicating person he had ever laid eyes on, and there you were asking him to let you suck his cock. It was ridiculous and unreal.
Still, Javi moved into position fast, his head swimming and his tip already leaking with precum, just a reaction to what you were about to do to him. He remembered all the times you had taken him in your mouth in vivid detail, but the most outstanding experience to date had been the very first time.
There was no use pretending to be new to any of this, in fact, Javi wasn't hesitant to admit that he had spent a good amount of his early adulthood sleeping around and exploring all sorts of things.
This had advantages and disadvantages. For instance, he knew precisely what he liked, what he didn't like, what he despised and what his guilty pleasure was. But on the other hand, when Javi was with you, he wished he could experience everything again with you for the first time. Not that it wasn't great all the same. Actually, sex and everything around it felt even more enthralling, intense and arousing since he did it with someone he was so bewitched by. Still, there was something so intimate and special about sleeping with you that made him want to relive all his first times with you. Which was applicable to the rest of his life as well.
He was lowering himself onto the bed now, spreading his legs a little so that there was enough room for you to crawl between.
"Baby, you're too good to me, you know that?" Javi whispered, his hooded eyes taking in the way you found a comfortable position between his legs, your hands settling on the waistband of his jeans.
"I like making you feel good, Javi," you answered with a playful smirk pulling at your lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yes… I like the things that you say." He drove his teeth into his bottom lip, breath hitching while he lifted his hips to help you yank down his pants.
"You like the things that I say?"
"Mhm." You nodded, eyes brightening with joy at the tent in his boxers.
"So you like it when I praise you?"
"Maybe," you grinned wickedly, one of your hands wandering up his thigh all the way from his knee. You clearly wanted to tease him just a little longer, stretch out the moment until he was going to lose a bit of his composure himself.
"Sweetheart, you're killing me here… Saying stuff like that… Touching me like that."
"Like that?" you muttered, your hand ghosting less than an inch above his clothed cock.
"Yeah, fuck — like that. I really need you to touch me, cariño. Are you gonna do that? Or are you gonna try to make me lose my fucking mind?"
His tone was more hollow now, lacking the intense depth of his usual voice. Maybe that was exactly what you had been talking about when you said you liked the things he said, how you could probably tell from the way he spoke how far you had driven him with your teasing.
"I like making you lose your mind just a little bit…" you admitted, but finally brought your hand to his hard cock, caressing it like it was much more sensitive than it actually was.
"Fuck, baby…" He drew a sharp breath through his tightly clenched teeth, one hand buried in your hair while the other pressed flat on the bed. "Is that what you wanna do tonight? Tease the shit out of me?"
You pretended to think about it, which provoked Javi to chuckle softly. "Oh yeah? You're seriously considering that? What do you want to punish me for then, mhm? Did I do something?"
Your expression shifted at that, eyes growing wider as you gripped his cock more firmly.
"No… You didn't. It's just really hot, you know? How you… look at me. Makes me feel like you want me so much."
"Oh, and I want you so much. You know that, don't you?" Javi leaned his head back against the wall, lips curling upward while he gently ran his fingers through your hair.
"Yes."
Returning the smile, you started to pull down his underwear and yanked them to his ankles with his help. His cock was hard against his abdomen, the veins standing out prominently and you involuntarily curled and uncurled your toes.
"It's so pretty, Javi," you murmured, lowering your head to the same level as his cock and darting out your tongue to lick a slow strip across his glans.
"Baby," your boyfriend huffed, his muscles coiling even though his gaze seemed to soften further. "Fuck… Your tongue's — so good."
His hand at the back of your head didn't push or hurry you but rather caressed your scalp in a way that made it all too tempting to glance up at him every now and then and devour the look he gave you. That sheer expression of his lust, his appreciation and even admiration. But since your main focus remained his cock, you kept your eyes on it for the most part, letting more and more of him slip past your lips in a manner that made Javi's eyes roll back.
"Jesus fucking Christ… Darling, you — you're so good to me. How the fuck did I deserve that, mhm?"
You brought your hand to his cock, pumping the part of his length that you couldn't reach so easily with your lips while twirling your tongue around his tip.
"You're just really good to me too, Javi. And you taste good."
"And you just want me to lose my mind… That's it, right? Fuck…" His free hand combed through his own messy hair, sweaty and tousled both from his time in the bar and the attentive work of your generous mouth.
Slowly, gradually, so that you wouldn't gag around him, you went deeper with closed eyes, your tongue flat so that his cock could slide past it. He really did taste good, a little salty, mixed with something warm and strong. And then there was his scent… Javi always smelled clean and fresh, but beneath the layers of his aftershave there was also something you couldn't quite find words for, something that you could only link to him. He just smelled like… Javier Peña. Through and through. Which was part of the reason why you loved going down on him so much. Why you loved it when your face was pressed against him and his lips whispered your name like it was a sin that shouldn't make its way out of his apartment.
"You feel so good, baby. So good, you — fuck, cariño… Can you look at me? Please."
You raised your head a little, just enough so that you wouldn't choke the second you lost your focus on your breathing, following his request instead. It definitely wasn't the most comfortable position, but you managed to lock your gaze with his, blinking a few times, determined not to let go of his dick just because he had asked to see your eyes.
"You're doing so well, sweetheart… I don't deserve you, shit… Holy shit — I don't know how you do it."
After toying with his cock for a few more minutes, focusing on his shaft and tip rather than forcing all of him down your throat, Javi tenderly pulled you off with a low groan. Spit and precum were coating his member, which was also the reason why slick, wet noises had been bouncing off the walls of his bedroom for the past few minutes. You liked it messy and therefore didn't mind the mixture of your drool and his wetness trickling down your chin or dropping onto your neck. If anything, it just made you feel like you were putting all your effort into the blow job, which was your goal at the end of the day.
"I need to make you feel good too, darling… Can I? Please, princess."
"Yes, Javi," you quickly murmured, allowing him to lift your face and kiss your lips.
"I need you, sweetheart." His motions were a lot more urgent, rushed even, as he cradled your head for a little longer, then helped you lie back. This time, neither of you even bothered to turn around on the bed so that your head could rest on the pillow, Javi just guided you down, his face hovering above yours.
"Fuck, baby, you don't know how much I want you. How much I was looking forward to coming home to you."
He knew that he sounded like he didn't give a fuck about his friends, like the cliché of a person who falls head over heels for a woman and abandons all his friends for months because he is so deeply in love, but in that moment, he didn't care. Because it was true. He had thought about you with almost no break ever since he had left the house and had to say goodbye to you.
"Can I have your fingers, Javi?" you breathed, rolling your hips up into his to grind against his hard length.
"Anything you want, hermosa… Where do you want them, mhm? Inside you? On your pretty clit?"
"Inside, please," you replied at once, making Javi believe that you had been thinking about his hands the entire time you were sucking his cock.
"Alright, baby. You're gonna get everything you want, I promise. You just gotta tell me, and you'll get it. Always."
"Always?" you giggled, hips rising while your boyfriend kissed his way down your body, pulling your shirt up for his mouth to leave a wet trace across your skin.
"Of course. Wherever you are… When I visit you at work… In a restaurant… a bar." Javi's hands were splayed across your ribcage, his lips purposefully tickling your stomach and making you jolt.
"I don't know if that's a good idea…" you whispered, your pussy clenching with excitement as Javi pulled down your sweatpants along with your underwear, wasting no more time with teasing you.
"What is?"
"You saying that…"
His large hand stroked up your thighs, gently parting them to take in the state of your cunt. "And why?"
"Because I want you often."
Javi lowered his head, though his eyes remained fixed on you. "How often?"
"Mhm… depends."
"Depends on what?"
Before you could respond, you had to get your breathing under control, which was why you drew in a deep breath, watching his tongue peek out and carefully circle your protruding bundle of nerves.
"Many things… Like what you're wearing… The things you're saying…"
Although Javi was thoroughly occupied with drawing patterns all over your pussy as though he intended to craft a painting with the quick swipes of his tongue, your words piqued his interest and his eyes found yours once again.
"What things I'm saying, baby?"
Your mouth twisted, eyes sparkling brightly. "Like… Like when you tell me about your work."
"My work?" Javi couldn't help but chuckle, effortlessly parting your pussy lips with the thumb of his right hand.
"Mhmm, yes… Sometimes. It just… sounds so hot."
He was still laughing as he slowly pushed his thumb inside your fluttering, soaked hole that was sucking him in so well Javi assumed it wasn't nearly enough to satisfy your needs yet. You needed more of him, all of him preferably.
"Well, then I guess I should tell you about my work more often, cariño," he murmured, his voice a deep vibration against your skin. "Because I like seeing you like that. S'really fucking sweet."
Driven by pure instinct, your head tilted away from him, your hair covering the side of your face where heat was rising in your cheeks. Javi couldn't be sure, though.
"Am I making you blush, cariño?" he wanted to know, pressing an open-mouthed kiss right on top of your blazing clit.
"No," you quickly lied and thrust your hips forward, beckoning Javi to push his finger further inside you.
"Good. 'Cause if you were, I'd tell you there's no reason to feel that way. Now do you want more, babygirl?"
You couldn't believe he was even asking you that, your hand flying out to grab his broad shoulder.
"Yeah. Yes, please. Please, Javi. I need more."
He was so smug and so stirred by your pleas at the same time, tempted to draw the moment out a little longer, but in the end his desire to watch your pleasure unfurl in its purest form won out, and Javi put more strength behind his motions. He worked his thumb inside you to the knuckle, let a generous amount of spit run down your pussy and sucked the little nub between his lips, hollowing his cheeks to build pressure. All of it happened so quickly that your nails scraped his shoulders, even the thin layer of his open shirt unable to keep him from feeling a sharp pain soar through him. Still, it wasn't the kind of sting that would prompt him to tell you to keep your hands to yourself… No, Javi felt proud of making you lose control like that.
"Javi…" you howled, eyes pinched shut and thighs convulsing even though he had only just started.
"I know, baby. She tastes good. And I know she's been waiting for me, hasn't she? S'why she welcomes me like that. And s'why she's so wet and warm for me. Just for me, isn't that right?"
You adored listening to Javi giving your pussy pronouns, talking about it like it was a separate part of your body with a mind and needs of its own. You didn't know what it was about it, but you were well aware of the effect it had on you.
"Yes, Javi. Just for you. Only for you, fuck —" Your shoulders rolled, shoulder blades lifting off the mattress, hands travelling up to his dark hair, which you lightly tugged on. Once Javi decided it was about time to give you more of his fingers, he pulled his thumb out and instead fed you his middle and ring finger, both so long they reached far deeper inside you than his thumb had.
You nearly choked on your own spit, tension rippling through your spine like tiny shock waves, though you associated them with something good and pleasurable.
"Yeah, you're really fucking warm and tight for me right there, mhm? All that for me?"
"Yes, Javi. All that for you, please, fuck —"
You didn't even know what you wanted. Hell, how were you supposed to figure it out with his fingers seizing all your attention like a black hole every time you tried to coherently sort your thoughts?
But your boyfriend seemed to understand you regardless, or at least it felt like he was really hitting an aching spot when he slid his tongue over the underside of your clit. Yes, he was hitting all the right spots with that. His fingers were tapping against the spongy patch within your walls, which you rarely even found on your own, whereas Javi never let a single session go by without that little area getting its treat. "Like it deserves it," your boyfriend used to say.
Meanwhile, his tongue was taking care of your clit, which seemed to be in flames, your nerve endings on high alert. You wished he would quench your desires, finish what he had started and put out the fire scorching across your pearl, but at the same time you wished he were inside you with his cock rather than his fingers. Sure, you loved to squeeze around them, to feel them move and stretch your walls, but there was always something entirely different about Javi putting his cock inside you. The intimacy, the closeness of it all was probably what was most alluring to you.
"Javi…" you whined, voice higher than when you normally talked to him. You squirmed on the bed with your thighs pressing against either side of his head, your hips bucking in search of something you couldn't quite describe.
"I know, baby. I'm gonna make you feel so good. So good that this pussy's gonna soak my face. She's so wet, sweetheart, so fucking perfect for me… You feel that?"
Javi slowly drew his fingers back, proving to you that your cunt couldn't be called wet but downright drenched. Slurping noises rose from your center, so unambiguous and filthy that you might have felt embarrassed about it. But not with Javi. Not with a man who always worshipped your body's reaction to him and showed his adoration in the same way that he savored every last one of your moans and whimpers.
"I want you to — fuck me, Javi," you stammered, his lips closing around your clit and dragging his heavy tongue along the outline. It was staggering, so perfect that it took a lot of willpower to make peace with the fact that he was about to comply with your request and pull away, but you longed for his thick cock inside you too much to wait for your first orgasm of the night.
Javi loved to make you cum at least once before he buried himself inside you, but tonight your need to feel him was especially strong. You wanted to feel every inch of him on top of you, be able to tangle your fingers with his and drape your legs around his hips. And that was only possible with him lying on top of you, fucking you into the bed.
"You want me to fuck you, sweetheart? Now?"
"Yes," you whimpered and spread your legs wider. Javi didn't need any more than that. He hadn't been lying when he said he would give you anything you wanted, which also included stopping his tongue play on your cunt earlier than he had anticipated.
Panting heavily, Javi left his space between your legs, though he rubbed your clit one last time with the pad of his thumb. Then he crawled toward your bedside table and opened the top drawer with a confidence that suggested he knew his way around your apartment effortlessly. There they were. Condoms that fitted him perfectly.
"Really, Javi…?" you muttered through pursed lips, feet planted flat on the bed, your hand busy tucking your hair behind your ears.
"Yes, cariño. C'mon, don't give me those eyes."
He should have known that he had made a mistake the first time he had fucked you raw. Okay, it had happened more than once, but definitely no more than three or four times. Obviously, Javi had regretted it within minutes, but you had shown a particular fondness for feeling him without a condom every single time.
And to avoid the fear of getting pregnant, you had taken the morning-after pill, which had relieved Javi even though he wasn't keen on watching you go down that path just because it was convenient and allowed you that special connection during sex. Condoms were safer, and Javi knew that, goddamnit. At times, it was just very difficult to deny you anything at all. Tonight, he would remain unwavering, though.
"Just this once. Please," you begged, putting even more hunger and yearning into your eyes, though Javi quickly averted his gaze so that he wouldn't feel too tempted by your dangerous request.
"Baby, you gotta stop… I'm gonna make it good, I promise. You trust me, right?"
"Yes," you whined, glancing down at his cock, which was throbbing in his firm grip.
"Okay… Then just relax. And enjoy it."
Javi was quick to tear the small package open, fumbling with the plastic and dropping it onto the nightstand. Then his eyes connected with yours again, skimming past the yearning in your gaze with a faint stumble of his heart.
"I'm gonna make it good, cariño… Gonna do all the work… Just need my princess to enjoy it and keep her eyes on me."
You couldn't help but chuckle softly, which relieved Javi, who had feared that refusing to fuck you raw would set off your pouting.
"I can do the work too," you insisted, reaching for his hard, throbbing cock, but Javi shook his head with a glossy twinkle in his eyes.
"I know you can… But tonight I just want you to lie back and relax. Okay?" Javi lovingly placed his palm on your cheek, thumb stretching out to brush against your cheekbone.
"Okay…"
He didn't need to hear more than that. Running his hand up and down your thigh, Javi single-handedly rolled the condom over his cock and stroked himself a couple of times. Of course, he would have liked to forgo the condom as well, but he already knew that he would feel guilty afterwards when the two of you had to rush to the pharmacy in the morning for the morning-after pill.
His left hand guided his tip through your slit, smearing your wetness all over your folds to make a mess he would be happy to clean up later.
"Javi," you whimpered as his cock nudged your sensitive bud, your legs spreading a little wider as though reminding him where your hole was.
"You want me to put it in?" he murmured, leaning down with his entire weight, knowing well how much you adored feeling as much of him as you physically could.
"Yes. Yes, Javi, please."
Your chests were flush against each other, not just sweat connecting your bodies but your heat as well. Everything was in sync, your heavy breathing, your heartbeat, probably even your temperatures.
"Put it in," you demanded once more, then drew a slow breath when you felt his heavy tip nudge against your hole. As always, Javi pressed his thumb into your clit while he worked his cock inside your cunt, giving you something to cling to and focus on while your walls stretched to accommodate him. Besides, he swore he always felt you loosen up a little more whenever his finger provided extra stimulation.
"Oh my god," you hummed, sliding your hands over the toned muscles of his arms and shoulders before planting them on his back. You pushed gently against him, communicating that you wanted to minimize the distance between the two of you without using your words. And just like you had hoped, Javi understood despite your inability to speak.
"Baby, you feel like a fucking dream. Look at me, cariño, please."
It wasn't easy to keep your eyes focused on one spot as your pupils tended to uncontrollably flick to the sides whenever he was stretching your walls like that. Still, you tried your very best for him.
"Javi, oh my god, oh my god," you whimpered quietly, feeling his chest cage you beneath him in the most exciting way possible.
"That's it, sweetheart. That's it… You like it? You like it when I go in slowly like that?"
He wasn't even halfway inside you even though you were more than ready to take him in one go.
"Yes," you breathed, your legs wrapping around his hips tightly.
You were holding onto him like a monkey, like you weren't planning to let him go any time soon. Pulse thundering behind your temples, you hid your face in the crook of his neck while Javi disappeared inside you painfully slowly, taking his time with every single inch. Of course, his touch on your bundle of nerves hadn't stopped and he still rubbed fast circles over your skin, which caused your lids to flutter and your pussy to drench his girthy cock.
You didn't know how Javi managed to squeeze his hand between your bodies, which were pressed so closely together that you had been certain not even a sheet of paper would fit between you. Still, he somehow found a way.
"Just a little bit more…" Javi hummed against your earlobe, pinching your clit between thumb and index finger. "Fuck… You're squeezing me so tightly. Just need you to look at me. Need to see how — good you're feeling."
That was something you could comply with. You didn't struggle for a second to convey your love for his actions and didn't shy away from moaning his name softly, working it between your teeth like a reverent prayer or a holy exclamation.
"Javi… Javi, please —" You took a deep breath, which didn't help. You felt too hot and short of breath, your body deliciously confined in the best way you could imagine. Buried beneath the man you needed so badly, held in place by his strong arms.
At last, he was fully sheathed inside you, his cock hitting all the right spots from within. Now that he was entirely buried in your warmth, he couldn't hold back any longer and quickly started to move in a steady rhythm. You weren't new to his technique, his long, intense, still quite slow thrusts that seemed to press you a little deeper into the bed with each one.
"Oh my god," was all you could breathe, your eyes on him as requested, though a thick veil hung over your sight.
"I know, baby. Feels good, doesn't it? I can feel you clench so hard around me. S'a lot for your pretty pussy, isn't it?"
You nodded softly, hazy eyes gazing back up at him.
"Too much?" Javi searched your face suspiciously at the faint shake of your head. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Need to hear you say it."
"No. S'not too much. It's good like that."
His hand gently slapping your clit wasn't really a reward, yet it felt like one.
"Deeper, Javi… please. Please, I need — more."
This time, it was Javi nuzzling your neck with his lips, kissing along your pulse point and hungrily inhaling your scent.
"Deeper? I can't go any deeper, hermosa. I'm already all the way inside you… She won't let me, you know?" To give you something different all the same, Javi swirled his finger around your clit with more force, smiling contentedly as you softly cried out his name.
"Javi… Javi, oh my god. I'm gonna cum."
It was no surprise that you were so close, considering he had already spent some time between your legs warming you up. It wouldn't take him much longer either, even though part of him just didn't want to let go yet, wanting to feel you a little longer.
"Jesus… You're so fucking warm, babygirl. So wet 'n' warm. Just made for me alone, mhm? I want you to cum for me and I want you to let it all go. Don't hold back."
He tucked your hair behind your ears, which didn't align with the powerful, sharp thrusts he delivered at all. They weren't painful or brutal, of course, but rather made you believe that Javi wanted to make sure you felt him. Preferably for days after. Each one was pointed and precise, driving into you with so much force you shuddered when he slammed back. Occasionally, Javi even broke the rhythm just to make his thrusts a little more surprising, drawing out a few more of those squeals from you. With success, obviously.
"You're so —" you mumbled, teeth dragging over your tongue to release the tension building in your body.
"I'm what?" Javi grinned, knowing that whatever words had formed in your head would amuse him.
"Good. Fuck… so good."
"That's my girl… You know what it does to my cock, don't you? Hearing you talk like that." Javi glanced down meaningfully, though you couldn't see a thing with your heavy, swimming head comfortably resting on a pillow.
"No. What?" you innocently asked, toying with the hair at his temples as your hooded eyes took in each of his lustful glances down your body, your jiggling tits, the thin layer of sweat covering your cleavage.
"Makes it really fucking hard… And proud." Javi purposefully drew his hips back before snapping them forward harshly, fully filling your spent pussy.
"Oh my god," you panted, unable even to tease him further about the effect of your words on his cock.
"Makes me wanna give it to you all night… Just playing with that sweet pussy for hours while she cums for me over and over again… So often that she forgets which one was coaxed out of her by my fingers, which one by my tongue and which by my cock… Makes me wanna give it to her really good, hermosa."
Javi lazily dragged his thumb around your bundle of nerves, throat vibrating with laughter at the way you jolted and jerked underneath him.
"C'mere, cariño…" Javi placed wet kisses along your jawline, all the way around your face until he landed one on your lips. "I want you to cum for me. Want you to give it all to me, baby, fuck… Need to — watch it. How you lose it."
His face was flushed and gleaming with sweat, drops falling from his brow onto your cheeks, but neither of you could have cared less. You were both on the verge of exploding, so much pressure and tension built up in your bodies that Javi felt like the condom wouldn't catch his entire load.
Meanwhile, your hands were still pulling at his hair, using a little more force every time he hit a particularly good spot or touched your clit right at its most sensitive point.
"Cum for me, baby. C'mon, sweetheart," he whispered at the exact moment his cock was buried all the way inside you, the rough skin of his thumb pressing directly onto your nub.
It was all you needed. His exhausted voice, his torso trapping you beneath him. Your head spun like a carousel, and the next thing you knew you were orgasming around Javi's cock, clenching around him ten times harder than before. He followed at once and spilled into the condom, his entire body quivering and shuddering.
His head dropped while you greedily let air fill your lungs, the muscles in your stomach convulsing.
"Oh my god," you murmured like a religious mantra, a single tear escaping from your lower lashes, which Javi quickly wiped from your face. "Javi… I — shit."
"I know, cariño… I got you. I got you, always. Just look at you cumming like that… S'fucking perfect. You're perfect."
There was a lot of vulnerability resonating in his voice, but since you were hovering in a similar dreamy state, you met his tenderness precisely, bringing your hands up to the back of his neck.
"Don't leave," you whispered, caressing his shoulder blades and closing your eyes.
"Where would I go, baby, mhm?"
"You could go home. But I want you to stay."
"I want to stay too…" he muttered through clenched teeth, flexing his jaw as he glided a hand from your hip up to your ribcage.
Javi stayed.
And he didn't just stay, he also fucked you again and again, like he had wished for earlier. First with his tongue, since his cock needed a little time to recover. Javi knelt between your legs and kissed his way down your body, which drew a fresh layer of sweat across your thighs and raised goosebumps along your forearms.
He made out with your clit slowly and passionately, like an ardent kiss shared between two lovers. After your third high of the night, you were crying softly, causing Javi to crawl up to you and scoop you into his arms. Your chin resting on his shoulder, he brought his lips to your ear, nibbling at your skin and speaking quietly.
"Can I give you more, baby? I just can't fucking stop. You taste so good and I need to see it again. Need to hear you say my name when you cum. You say it like you're mine. Like you're trying to tell me that you belong to me and that I'm the only one who gets to touch that pretty pussy."
You wanted to tell him that it was the truth, and that you only ever wanted him to be so close to you, but the words caught in your throat. All you could do was nod and whine his name once more while Javi crawled back down your body.
"Never gonna be done with her, hermosa… Never gonna be done telling her how perfect she is," Javi murmured the instant before he dove back in.
After making you cum again, this time keeping his tongue inside you throughout your high, he fucked you one more time with his cock. He had had great plans to coax a fifth one out of you, but about halfway through you had pressed a hand over your mouth, whimpering that you were too sensitive, which he had respected without a second thought. So it was just him spurting into the condom while hissing curses through his gritted teeth, mostly followed by high praise for you, how well you always took him, how addicted he was to your cunt, how perfect you felt. Better than anything else he had ever experienced.
"Jesus Christ… You're gonna be the fucking death of me, hermosa, shit… Fuck, yeah, like that… Don't move, baby, yes… Just stay like that, goddamnit…"
Then it was over.
Javi pulled out of you carefully, aware that after four releases, you would shriek at the slightest contact against your raw skin. A much darker, more twisted part of him found delight and rotten pleasure in the idea of his cock turning you into such a mess. You had willingly let him bruise your insides, had allowed him to push his fingers or tongue back inside you again and again just because you were so intoxicated by the feeling of him.
"You make it really hard to stop, baby," Javi chuckled, lying down next to you and offering you his hand, which you eagerly took.
"How late is it?" you whispered.
"I don't wanna know…"
"Why?" you asked, turning your head to glance at his profile. "We can sleep in tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah… we can. But still. I think it's really late."
Chest rising and falling steadily, you kissed the knuckles of his hand. "I'm feeling very sleepy, Javi…"
"That's okay, cariño… I put you through a lot today. Are you feeling good? Everything okay?"
You nodded with a faint smile lingering on your lips. "Yeah. Very good."
"Your pussy too?"
Your grin broadened as you felt Javi's fingertips ghost over your thigh, drifting toward your center.
"Yeah… But I really can't go another round."
"I know," he admitted, jutting his jaw forward. "You're just… really addictive. All of you. Makes it hard not to touch you all the time…"
"Well, we've got all the time in the world tomorrow…" you murmured, knowing well how much your boyfriend adored lazy morning sex when neither of you were really awake but highly sensitive to each other's touch.
He had barely even stopped touching you, yet Javi was already excited by the idea of waking you up with his mouth. Perhaps you would still be wet from the night before. Or maybe his proximity, his cock pressed against your backside, would make you dream filthy things that would turn you on in your sleep, resulting in drenched panties when you woke up.
Before Javi's thoughts could wander too far, he quickly kissed the top of your head.
"I can't wait for it. I'm gonna be all yours."
You smiled, then tilted your face so that his next kiss landed on your lips.
"I love you, baby."
Those four words had been as quiet as all the others, yet they carried a different feeling. A different weight, a different emotion ringing in his tone. There was longing and desire mixed with curiosity and fear. Fear that you wouldn't say it back. Now more than ever, Javi became aware that he had never said it quite like this before. He had spoken about being in love with you, told you how wonderful and perfect you were, but saying it to your face like that? It was a first. And hell, it was a little scary.
"I love you too, Javi. I love you so much."
Tears welled in your eyes, your bottom lip quivering as you pushed your face against his neck. A wave of relief coursed through him, flooding from the top of his head down to his little toe. It was ridiculous to feel so afraid of you not reciprocating his love after everything you two had just done, but Javi couldn't help it.
He wasn't half as confident with you as he usually was. Not in a bad way, though. It wasn't like you drained his self-assurance, but he just felt so much shyer and more afraid of doing something wrong whenever he was around you.
Maybe that was what his friends had talked about in the bar. They weren't blind to the way you had fundamentally changed something within him. Something that Javi couldn't quite grasp, but he knew that he liked it. He liked this version of himself, the one who was capable of allowing himself to feel things he had been reluctant to admit before. He liked what you did to him, how he acted in your presence.
"Just stay, baby. I just want you to stay," you whispered, his and your limbs a tangled sprawl across the bed.
"I will stay, cariño. For as long as you want me to. God… I love you."
Javi shows you how much he loves you after a visit in the bar with his friends who couldn't stop teasing him about his new-found love...
Contains: smut, p in v sex, oral sex (m & f receiving), fingering, multiple orgasms, overstimulation, praise kink, dirty talk, use of pet names, light possessiveness, condom use, brief mention of morning-after pill, soft!Javi, teasing, crying during sex (from pleasure), fluff, domesticity, Javier is obsessed with you, "i love you" for the first time, yearning, soft ending, vulnerability, established relationship
Wordcount: 8,957
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Javi took a small sip from his whiskey, feeling the alcohol burn against his throat as he swallowed it.
"Seriously?" Steve barked, gripping his shoulders tightly, his behavior noticeably altered by the alcohol he had consumed so far. Which was a lot more than Javi had.
"You're still at your first drink, Javi? Jesus… You're in a bad mood?"
Derek and Tom, two more friends from work, exchanged knowing glances, then leaned forward.
"He's not in a bad mood, Steve. You know that. But he's got a place to be. Just watch this motherfucker leave the bar at 11 to go home to his lady," Derek laughed.
Javi rolled his eyes, though he didn't deny their accusations right away.
"Right…" Steve snorted, emptying his glass in one go. "The mystery lady. How is she? You're gonna go to her after this?"
"Of course he is. Our man couldn't sit still since we got here."
"Just look at him being all shy…"
Their voices were a swirling chaos, mixing with the music gushing from the speakers in the corners. All Javi could do was roll his eyes again and shake his head faintly.
"Will you shut up? Goddamnit…"
"Are we wrong, though? That's why he doesn't drink so much. Because he's got other plans."
Javi chose not to answer and neither deny nor confirm their suppositions. Obviously, they were right, Javi did was going to come over to your apartment after this, just like you and he had planned. But his friends didn't need to know that.
One might not expect it, but Javi had never in his life encountered people more keen to gossip than those three men. He would tell them more about you, of course. But everything in its time. And he definitely wanted to find a quieter moment than a bar at 10 o'clock.
"I can't believe Javier Peña is in love at last… Would you guys have ever believed it? If I told you three months ago that we would be sitting in a bar and instead of approaching a beautiful lady at the counter, Mr. Playboy would sit here with his first whiskey of the night thinking about his girlfriend? Doesn't sound right to me."
Steve chuckled softly, but Javi could see in his gaze that he wasn't actually irritated by the shift in his behavior. No… just like Derek and Tom, he seemed satisfied. Genuinely happy for Javi, which made his lips curl involuntarily.
That and… you, of course. He couldn't help it. With his friends bringing up the topic of you over and over, it wasn't difficult to get lost in all the memories in his head, the countless dates, every single angle he had ever seen of your beautiful smile, the wrinkles around your eyes when you laughed, and how you jutted your jaw forward whenever you were thinking hard. There were a million things he could tell his friends about you if the circumstances allowed. How your eyes for some reason teared up when you drank sparkling water. How you always stubbed your toe on the last step when you sprinted up the staircase. Javi had told you so many times that you should just take it slower, but somehow, he couldn't stop you from falling into your old patterns.
"He's dreaming again," Tommy suddenly said, making Javi's eyes focus on his friend wearing a broad grin. They were clearly amused by the change in him. It wasn't that Javi was a different person around you, but nowadays, his head so busy going over every single detail he had ever spotted on you and was most smitten with, he was seldom fully present.
"Sorry," Javi whispered, but didn't really sound it. He lowered his gaze to the counter, scanning the wooden lines until Steve patted his back.
"Don't be sorry. I'm proud of you, you know?" His voice was oozing sarcasm, but Javi chose to just listen to what his friend had to say.
"You're finally in love… And it suits you. You've got that glow about you, my friend."
"Glow?" Tom laughed loudly, leaning in closer as if he intended to scrutinize his expression more closely.
"Yeah. Sometimes. Like during lunch break on Wednesday."
Goddamnit, Javi already knew what Steve was talking about without him having to give him any more information.
"What happened?" Tom asked, looking between Derek and Steve.
"Right, you weren't there for it. Missed quite the party. We were all eating peacefully, going over a case when Javi got a phone call. I swear to god, he looked at the number for a second and then rushed out of the room saying that he really needed to take that. Steve and I spent ten minutes guessing who it was, and this guy was fucking convinced it couldn't be her because Javi wouldn't be that worked up about it, but when he came back, I knew I was right. Because that man's face was glowing."
Yes, Javi remembered that moment so clearly he could go back to it any time he wanted. You had called him because you had had an important business meeting that morning. After you had told him about it the day before, he had insisted on you letting him know how it had gone the second it was over, which was why he had spent most of his lunch break in the copy room, listening to you recount the meeting, which had fortunately gone very well.
As so often these days, Javi had felt his cheeks burn when he hung up the phone, which hadn't gone unnoticed by his colleagues. It was just the natural effect you had on him. The sound of your voice alone made his knees weak and the blood rush through his veins, even when you weren't even in the same room.
"Really?" Tom chuckled at that, ripping him from his thoughts. "You really have to introduce her to us, Javi. We need to know what she's like when she's got that kind of effect on you…"
"You will," he quickly assured them, drinking the last sip of his whiskey before putting the glass back down with a low thud. "You will get to know her. She's… incredible."
Steve, who always became a little more touchy when he'd had a lot to drink, put a hand on his shoulder.
"He looks like a teenage boy with his first crush, doesn't he, guys?"
Tom and Derek laughed in unison, examining Javi's clenched jaw and sweaty brow, which was evidence enough that the teasing was getting through to him.
"Not a crush, though," Derek then corrected. "That man is head over heels. Remember when we saw him daydreaming in the office with that stupid smile instead of working?"
Tom and Steve, who only now seemed to recall the moment, burst into laughter.
"Yeah, yeah… very funny," Javi growled.
"You've gotten soft, my friend. You've turned into a soft, loyal puppy. I don't know how much I like that version yet, but it was about damn time you found someone. Need to make sure you're capable of loving, don't we?"
An hour later, Javi quietly walked up the stairs of the apartment building you lived in. His keys, or rather your set of keys you had given him, since he basically stayed over every single night, were dangling at his side, his head a little languid even though he hadn't had more than one whiskey. Which had been the source of a lot of teasing.
Javi normally didn't mind a few drinks in the evening at all, especially on a Friday night. But as his friends had so astutely figured out, he didn't want to show up at your place drunk, stumbling through the door so that you would have to get him to bed like a helpless child. No, the prospect of coming home to you was motivation enough and a source of infinite happiness to keep his good mood up even while everyone around him was gradually getting more wasted. They were probably still at the bar right then, making jokes about the changes in Javi's lifestyle, how he seemed more content and at ease these days.
Some of the things Steve, Tom and Derek had said about him had actually been rather kind, things that Javi felt proud of, but at the same time, he hadn't been too sad about leaving his friends early. Well, most of his anticipation about exiting the bar had probably been tied to you, to be honest.
He slowly put the key in the lock, turning it as quietly as he could. Javi assumed you were still awake, but he couldn't be too careful, especially since you had complained about a headache earlier when he had come home after work. It had worried him enough to offer to stay in with you rather than go out with his friends, but you had insisted that he go, claiming that you would be fine with a relaxed evening on the couch and a large jug of fresh water.
"Javi… hey."
You were sitting at the kitchen table, hair loosely tied in a knot and a sudoku in front of you.
"Hi, sweetheart." He crossed the distance between the two of you in two large strides, then pressed his lips against the side of your head. "How are you? How's your head?"
"It's fine, baby. I drank so much water, I think I went to the toilet four times in the last hour, but it worked."
Releasing a soft breath, Javi pulled up a chair to sit down next to you. "Great… I was worried."
"You were?" you asked softly, lips pursed in sympathy. "No… I told you to enjoy yourself, didn't I?"
Your hand connected with his cheek, gently tracing along his shaven skin that was never fully even.
"I know. And I still had a very good time."
"Yes?"
Javi nodded. "Yeah. Even though they can't stop with the teasing."
"What teasing?" you asked, eyes wide, but he just snickered softly.
"Just the usual… You know, the stuff about me being distracted at work sometimes… Talking to you on the phone. They said I had a glow on my face on Wednesday during lunch break."
"Oh," you said, your hand dropping to rest on his thigh instead of his face.
"Yeah. I figured I should take it as a compliment. I think you should take it as a compliment," he then added, prompting you to chuckle lightly, your voice warm and soft against his skin.
"Maybe I should… They really can't stop, can they? I thought they would grow tired of teasing you about this after a week or two."
"Oh, they're persistent, baby," Javi muttered and briefly kissed you on the mouth, running a hand up and down your arm. "Today, they also said that you made me all soft. That you softened me."
"I softened you?" you repeated with raised eyebrows, a dark gleam shimmering in your eyes.
"I hope you disagree with that, Javi…" you hummed seductively, glancing at his crotch.
"Jesus, darling…" Javi muttered, only now realizing the double meaning behind his friends' comments.
"What? I would be very disappointed in myself if you agreed with that…" Your hand followed your eyes, drifting up his leg until your index finger trailed along the stitching of his jeans.
"You don't, do you?"
"No. I — don't," Javi murmured, voice threaded with a faint tremble that you might have imagined. Yes, there it was. Javi looked down his body where his cock was stirring beneath the confines of his underwear. He could both feel it and see it, which meant it hadn't gone unnoticed by you either.
"Good… I would rather like to make you harder, you know?"
"Yeah, I know," Javi purred, leaning in once more to capture your mouth in a gentle, still explorative way, even though he knew the lines and curves of your lips better than he knew his own by now.
Meanwhile, the two of you had shifted to sit on the edge of your seats, minimizing the distance between your longing bodies as best as you could. But it just wasn't enough. Javi felt his cock uncomfortably rub against the tightly woven fabric of his jeans, your index finger ghosting over his crotch doing nothing to calm his breathing.
"Sweetheart…" he murmured, letting out a sharp hiss that tingled at the corner of your mouth.
And then, it wasn't enough anymore either. Javi felt frustrated sitting so far away from you, your back too far away to reach around and unclasp your bra. So he stood up abruptly, nostrils flaring as he took in the sight of you. You had that feverish glow about you, and maybe it was exactly what his friends had talked about earlier. If that was the case, it seemed to be infectious.
"Where are you going?" you breathed, sweetly sucking your bottom lip between your teeth. With a deep huff, he took a step forward, slung an arm around your back and hauled you up, pressing you close against his front as he headed for your bedroom.
"Oh, I'm taking you right with me, cariño…"
Everything about your apartment was so familiar, which was why Javi moved with such confidence, each stride willful and determined.
"You look so gorgeous, Javi."
Throaty laughter left him as he placed you in the center of the bed like he owned the room and everything inside it.
"Oh yeah? I'm flattered then…"
"I really need you inside me, Javi. Please. I… I thought about it all day."
Running a hand through his messy hair, Javi climbed onto the bed as well, the mattress sighing under his weight.
"Don't worry, hermosa, I'm gonna fill you up well… You want it right here?" Without any warning, Javi cupped your pussy, not moving or rubbing against you but just holding his hand right there while you squirmed and sighed heavily.
"Yes. Yes, there, Javi… But I would also like to suck it."
With the sole purpose of teasing you, he pretended to think about your request for a moment, lips pouty and brow furrowed. You, of course, knew that he would never deny such a proposal, which was why you quickly gripped his length through his jeans, although you weren't able to paw at him like you would have been had he worn sweatpants like you did right now.
"You're getting a little greedy now, aren't you?"
Despite his teasing, Javi didn't stop you when you moved to the edge of the bed, challengingly darting your eyes at the empty spot in the middle. How could he have possibly found the strength to do that? You were a perfect dream, the most beautiful and intoxicating person he had ever laid eyes on, and there you were asking him to let you suck his cock. It was ridiculous and unreal.
Still, Javi moved into position fast, his head swimming and his tip already leaking with precum, just a reaction to what you were about to do to him. He remembered all the times you had taken him in your mouth in vivid detail, but the most outstanding experience to date had been the very first time.
There was no use pretending to be new to any of this, in fact, Javi wasn't hesitant to admit that he had spent a good amount of his early adulthood sleeping around and exploring all sorts of things.
This had advantages and disadvantages. For instance, he knew precisely what he liked, what he didn't like, what he despised and what his guilty pleasure was. But on the other hand, when Javi was with you, he wished he could experience everything again with you for the first time. Not that it wasn't great all the same. Actually, sex and everything around it felt even more enthralling, intense and arousing since he did it with someone he was so bewitched by. Still, there was something so intimate and special about sleeping with you that made him want to relive all his first times with you. Which was applicable to the rest of his life as well.
He was lowering himself onto the bed now, spreading his legs a little so that there was enough room for you to crawl between.
"Baby, you're too good to me, you know that?" Javi whispered, his hooded eyes taking in the way you found a comfortable position between his legs, your hands settling on the waistband of his jeans.
"I like making you feel good, Javi," you answered with a playful smirk pulling at your lips.
"Yeah?"
"Yes… I like the things that you say." He drove his teeth into his bottom lip, breath hitching while he lifted his hips to help you yank down his pants.
"You like the things that I say?"
"Mhm." You nodded, eyes brightening with joy at the tent in his boxers.
"So you like it when I praise you?"
"Maybe," you grinned wickedly, one of your hands wandering up his thigh all the way from his knee. You clearly wanted to tease him just a little longer, stretch out the moment until he was going to lose a bit of his composure himself.
"Sweetheart, you're killing me here… Saying stuff like that… Touching me like that."
"Like that?" you muttered, your hand ghosting less than an inch above his clothed cock.
"Yeah, fuck — like that. I really need you to touch me, cariño. Are you gonna do that? Or are you gonna try to make me lose my fucking mind?"
His tone was more hollow now, lacking the intense depth of his usual voice. Maybe that was exactly what you had been talking about when you said you liked the things he said, how you could probably tell from the way he spoke how far you had driven him with your teasing.
"I like making you lose your mind just a little bit…" you admitted, but finally brought your hand to his hard cock, caressing it like it was much more sensitive than it actually was.
"Fuck, baby…" He drew a sharp breath through his tightly clenched teeth, one hand buried in your hair while the other pressed flat on the bed. "Is that what you wanna do tonight? Tease the shit out of me?"
You pretended to think about it, which provoked Javi to chuckle softly. "Oh yeah? You're seriously considering that? What do you want to punish me for then, mhm? Did I do something?"
Your expression shifted at that, eyes growing wider as you gripped his cock more firmly.
"No… You didn't. It's just really hot, you know? How you… look at me. Makes me feel like you want me so much."
"Oh, and I want you so much. You know that, don't you?" Javi leaned his head back against the wall, lips curling upward while he gently ran his fingers through your hair.
"Yes."
Returning the smile, you started to pull down his underwear and yanked them to his ankles with his help. His cock was hard against his abdomen, the veins standing out prominently and you involuntarily curled and uncurled your toes.
"It's so pretty, Javi," you murmured, lowering your head to the same level as his cock and darting out your tongue to lick a slow strip across his glans.
"Baby," your boyfriend huffed, his muscles coiling even though his gaze seemed to soften further. "Fuck… Your tongue's — so good."
His hand at the back of your head didn't push or hurry you but rather caressed your scalp in a way that made it all too tempting to glance up at him every now and then and devour the look he gave you. That sheer expression of his lust, his appreciation and even admiration. But since your main focus remained his cock, you kept your eyes on it for the most part, letting more and more of him slip past your lips in a manner that made Javi's eyes roll back.
"Jesus fucking Christ… Darling, you — you're so good to me. How the fuck did I deserve that, mhm?"
You brought your hand to his cock, pumping the part of his length that you couldn't reach so easily with your lips while twirling your tongue around his tip.
"You're just really good to me too, Javi. And you taste good."
"And you just want me to lose my mind… That's it, right? Fuck…" His free hand combed through his own messy hair, sweaty and tousled both from his time in the bar and the attentive work of your generous mouth.
Slowly, gradually, so that you wouldn't gag around him, you went deeper with closed eyes, your tongue flat so that his cock could slide past it. He really did taste good, a little salty, mixed with something warm and strong. And then there was his scent… Javi always smelled clean and fresh, but beneath the layers of his aftershave there was also something you couldn't quite find words for, something that you could only link to him. He just smelled like… Javier Peña. Through and through. Which was part of the reason why you loved going down on him so much. Why you loved it when your face was pressed against him and his lips whispered your name like it was a sin that shouldn't make its way out of his apartment.
"You feel so good, baby. So good, you — fuck, cariño… Can you look at me? Please."
You raised your head a little, just enough so that you wouldn't choke the second you lost your focus on your breathing, following his request instead. It definitely wasn't the most comfortable position, but you managed to lock your gaze with his, blinking a few times, determined not to let go of his dick just because he had asked to see your eyes.
"You're doing so well, sweetheart… I don't deserve you, shit… Holy shit — I don't know how you do it."
After toying with his cock for a few more minutes, focusing on his shaft and tip rather than forcing all of him down your throat, Javi tenderly pulled you off with a low groan. Spit and precum were coating his member, which was also the reason why slick, wet noises had been bouncing off the walls of his bedroom for the past few minutes. You liked it messy and therefore didn't mind the mixture of your drool and his wetness trickling down your chin or dropping onto your neck. If anything, it just made you feel like you were putting all your effort into the blow job, which was your goal at the end of the day.
"I need to make you feel good too, darling… Can I? Please, princess."
"Yes, Javi," you quickly murmured, allowing him to lift your face and kiss your lips.
"I need you, sweetheart." His motions were a lot more urgent, rushed even, as he cradled your head for a little longer, then helped you lie back. This time, neither of you even bothered to turn around on the bed so that your head could rest on the pillow, Javi just guided you down, his face hovering above yours.
"Fuck, baby, you don't know how much I want you. How much I was looking forward to coming home to you."
He knew that he sounded like he didn't give a fuck about his friends, like the cliché of a person who falls head over heels for a woman and abandons all his friends for months because he is so deeply in love, but in that moment, he didn't care. Because it was true. He had thought about you with almost no break ever since he had left the house and had to say goodbye to you.
"Can I have your fingers, Javi?" you breathed, rolling your hips up into his to grind against his hard length.
"Anything you want, hermosa… Where do you want them, mhm? Inside you? On your pretty clit?"
"Inside, please," you replied at once, making Javi believe that you had been thinking about his hands the entire time you were sucking his cock.
"Alright, baby. You're gonna get everything you want, I promise. You just gotta tell me, and you'll get it. Always."
"Always?" you giggled, hips rising while your boyfriend kissed his way down your body, pulling your shirt up for his mouth to leave a wet trace across your skin.
"Of course. Wherever you are… When I visit you at work… In a restaurant… a bar." Javi's hands were splayed across your ribcage, his lips purposefully tickling your stomach and making you jolt.
"I don't know if that's a good idea…" you whispered, your pussy clenching with excitement as Javi pulled down your sweatpants along with your underwear, wasting no more time with teasing you.
"What is?"
"You saying that…"
His large hand stroked up your thighs, gently parting them to take in the state of your cunt. "And why?"
"Because I want you often."
Javi lowered his head, though his eyes remained fixed on you. "How often?"
"Mhm… depends."
"Depends on what?"
Before you could respond, you had to get your breathing under control, which was why you drew in a deep breath, watching his tongue peek out and carefully circle your protruding bundle of nerves.
"Many things… Like what you're wearing… The things you're saying…"
Although Javi was thoroughly occupied with drawing patterns all over your pussy as though he intended to craft a painting with the quick swipes of his tongue, your words piqued his interest and his eyes found yours once again.
"What things I'm saying, baby?"
Your mouth twisted, eyes sparkling brightly. "Like… Like when you tell me about your work."
"My work?" Javi couldn't help but chuckle, effortlessly parting your pussy lips with the thumb of his right hand.
"Mhmm, yes… Sometimes. It just… sounds so hot."
He was still laughing as he slowly pushed his thumb inside your fluttering, soaked hole that was sucking him in so well Javi assumed it wasn't nearly enough to satisfy your needs yet. You needed more of him, all of him preferably.
"Well, then I guess I should tell you about my work more often, cariño," he murmured, his voice a deep vibration against your skin. "Because I like seeing you like that. S'really fucking sweet."
Driven by pure instinct, your head tilted away from him, your hair covering the side of your face where heat was rising in your cheeks. Javi couldn't be sure, though.
"Am I making you blush, cariño?" he wanted to know, pressing an open-mouthed kiss right on top of your blazing clit.
"No," you quickly lied and thrust your hips forward, beckoning Javi to push his finger further inside you.
"Good. 'Cause if you were, I'd tell you there's no reason to feel that way. Now do you want more, babygirl?"
You couldn't believe he was even asking you that, your hand flying out to grab his broad shoulder.
"Yeah. Yes, please. Please, Javi. I need more."
He was so smug and so stirred by your pleas at the same time, tempted to draw the moment out a little longer, but in the end his desire to watch your pleasure unfurl in its purest form won out, and Javi put more strength behind his motions. He worked his thumb inside you to the knuckle, let a generous amount of spit run down your pussy and sucked the little nub between his lips, hollowing his cheeks to build pressure. All of it happened so quickly that your nails scraped his shoulders, even the thin layer of his open shirt unable to keep him from feeling a sharp pain soar through him. Still, it wasn't the kind of sting that would prompt him to tell you to keep your hands to yourself… No, Javi felt proud of making you lose control like that.
"Javi…" you howled, eyes pinched shut and thighs convulsing even though he had only just started.
"I know, baby. She tastes good. And I know she's been waiting for me, hasn't she? S'why she welcomes me like that. And s'why she's so wet and warm for me. Just for me, isn't that right?"
You adored listening to Javi giving your pussy pronouns, talking about it like it was a separate part of your body with a mind and needs of its own. You didn't know what it was about it, but you were well aware of the effect it had on you.
"Yes, Javi. Just for you. Only for you, fuck —" Your shoulders rolled, shoulder blades lifting off the mattress, hands travelling up to his dark hair, which you lightly tugged on. Once Javi decided it was about time to give you more of his fingers, he pulled his thumb out and instead fed you his middle and ring finger, both so long they reached far deeper inside you than his thumb had.
You nearly choked on your own spit, tension rippling through your spine like tiny shock waves, though you associated them with something good and pleasurable.
"Yeah, you're really fucking warm and tight for me right there, mhm? All that for me?"
"Yes, Javi. All that for you, please, fuck —"
You didn't even know what you wanted. Hell, how were you supposed to figure it out with his fingers seizing all your attention like a black hole every time you tried to coherently sort your thoughts?
But your boyfriend seemed to understand you regardless, or at least it felt like he was really hitting an aching spot when he slid his tongue over the underside of your clit. Yes, he was hitting all the right spots with that. His fingers were tapping against the spongy patch within your walls, which you rarely even found on your own, whereas Javi never let a single session go by without that little area getting its treat. "Like it deserves it," your boyfriend used to say.
Meanwhile, his tongue was taking care of your clit, which seemed to be in flames, your nerve endings on high alert. You wished he would quench your desires, finish what he had started and put out the fire scorching across your pearl, but at the same time you wished he were inside you with his cock rather than his fingers. Sure, you loved to squeeze around them, to feel them move and stretch your walls, but there was always something entirely different about Javi putting his cock inside you. The intimacy, the closeness of it all was probably what was most alluring to you.
"Javi…" you whined, voice higher than when you normally talked to him. You squirmed on the bed with your thighs pressing against either side of his head, your hips bucking in search of something you couldn't quite describe.
"I know, baby. I'm gonna make you feel so good. So good that this pussy's gonna soak my face. She's so wet, sweetheart, so fucking perfect for me… You feel that?"
Javi slowly drew his fingers back, proving to you that your cunt couldn't be called wet but downright drenched. Slurping noises rose from your center, so unambiguous and filthy that you might have felt embarrassed about it. But not with Javi. Not with a man who always worshipped your body's reaction to him and showed his adoration in the same way that he savored every last one of your moans and whimpers.
"I want you to — fuck me, Javi," you stammered, his lips closing around your clit and dragging his heavy tongue along the outline. It was staggering, so perfect that it took a lot of willpower to make peace with the fact that he was about to comply with your request and pull away, but you longed for his thick cock inside you too much to wait for your first orgasm of the night.
Javi loved to make you cum at least once before he buried himself inside you, but tonight your need to feel him was especially strong. You wanted to feel every inch of him on top of you, be able to tangle your fingers with his and drape your legs around his hips. And that was only possible with him lying on top of you, fucking you into the bed.
"You want me to fuck you, sweetheart? Now?"
"Yes," you whimpered and spread your legs wider. Javi didn't need any more than that. He hadn't been lying when he said he would give you anything you wanted, which also included stopping his tongue play on your cunt earlier than he had anticipated.
Panting heavily, Javi left his space between your legs, though he rubbed your clit one last time with the pad of his thumb. Then he crawled toward your bedside table and opened the top drawer with a confidence that suggested he knew his way around your apartment effortlessly. There they were. Condoms that fitted him perfectly.
"Really, Javi…?" you muttered through pursed lips, feet planted flat on the bed, your hand busy tucking your hair behind your ears.
"Yes, cariño. C'mon, don't give me those eyes."
He should have known that he had made a mistake the first time he had fucked you raw. Okay, it had happened more than once, but definitely no more than three or four times. Obviously, Javi had regretted it within minutes, but you had shown a particular fondness for feeling him without a condom every single time.
And to avoid the fear of getting pregnant, you had taken the morning-after pill, which had relieved Javi even though he wasn't keen on watching you go down that path just because it was convenient and allowed you that special connection during sex. Condoms were safer, and Javi knew that, goddamnit. At times, it was just very difficult to deny you anything at all. Tonight, he would remain unwavering, though.
"Just this once. Please," you begged, putting even more hunger and yearning into your eyes, though Javi quickly averted his gaze so that he wouldn't feel too tempted by your dangerous request.
"Baby, you gotta stop… I'm gonna make it good, I promise. You trust me, right?"
"Yes," you whined, glancing down at his cock, which was throbbing in his firm grip.
"Okay… Then just relax. And enjoy it."
Javi was quick to tear the small package open, fumbling with the plastic and dropping it onto the nightstand. Then his eyes connected with yours again, skimming past the yearning in your gaze with a faint stumble of his heart.
"I'm gonna make it good, cariño… Gonna do all the work… Just need my princess to enjoy it and keep her eyes on me."
You couldn't help but chuckle softly, which relieved Javi, who had feared that refusing to fuck you raw would set off your pouting.
"I can do the work too," you insisted, reaching for his hard, throbbing cock, but Javi shook his head with a glossy twinkle in his eyes.
"I know you can… But tonight I just want you to lie back and relax. Okay?" Javi lovingly placed his palm on your cheek, thumb stretching out to brush against your cheekbone.
"Okay…"
He didn't need to hear more than that. Running his hand up and down your thigh, Javi single-handedly rolled the condom over his cock and stroked himself a couple of times. Of course, he would have liked to forgo the condom as well, but he already knew that he would feel guilty afterwards when the two of you had to rush to the pharmacy in the morning for the morning-after pill.
His left hand guided his tip through your slit, smearing your wetness all over your folds to make a mess he would be happy to clean up later.
"Javi," you whimpered as his cock nudged your sensitive bud, your legs spreading a little wider as though reminding him where your hole was.
"You want me to put it in?" he murmured, leaning down with his entire weight, knowing well how much you adored feeling as much of him as you physically could.
"Yes. Yes, Javi, please."
Your chests were flush against each other, not just sweat connecting your bodies but your heat as well. Everything was in sync, your heavy breathing, your heartbeat, probably even your temperatures.
"Put it in," you demanded once more, then drew a slow breath when you felt his heavy tip nudge against your hole. As always, Javi pressed his thumb into your clit while he worked his cock inside your cunt, giving you something to cling to and focus on while your walls stretched to accommodate him. Besides, he swore he always felt you loosen up a little more whenever his finger provided extra stimulation.
"Oh my god," you hummed, sliding your hands over the toned muscles of his arms and shoulders before planting them on his back. You pushed gently against him, communicating that you wanted to minimize the distance between the two of you without using your words. And just like you had hoped, Javi understood despite your inability to speak.
"Baby, you feel like a fucking dream. Look at me, cariño, please."
It wasn't easy to keep your eyes focused on one spot as your pupils tended to uncontrollably flick to the sides whenever he was stretching your walls like that. Still, you tried your very best for him.
"Javi, oh my god, oh my god," you whimpered quietly, feeling his chest cage you beneath him in the most exciting way possible.
"That's it, sweetheart. That's it… You like it? You like it when I go in slowly like that?"
He wasn't even halfway inside you even though you were more than ready to take him in one go.
"Yes," you breathed, your legs wrapping around his hips tightly.
You were holding onto him like a monkey, like you weren't planning to let him go any time soon. Pulse thundering behind your temples, you hid your face in the crook of his neck while Javi disappeared inside you painfully slowly, taking his time with every single inch. Of course, his touch on your bundle of nerves hadn't stopped and he still rubbed fast circles over your skin, which caused your lids to flutter and your pussy to drench his girthy cock.
You didn't know how Javi managed to squeeze his hand between your bodies, which were pressed so closely together that you had been certain not even a sheet of paper would fit between you. Still, he somehow found a way.
"Just a little bit more…" Javi hummed against your earlobe, pinching your clit between thumb and index finger. "Fuck… You're squeezing me so tightly. Just need you to look at me. Need to see how — good you're feeling."
That was something you could comply with. You didn't struggle for a second to convey your love for his actions and didn't shy away from moaning his name softly, working it between your teeth like a reverent prayer or a holy exclamation.
"Javi… Javi, please —" You took a deep breath, which didn't help. You felt too hot and short of breath, your body deliciously confined in the best way you could imagine. Buried beneath the man you needed so badly, held in place by his strong arms.
At last, he was fully sheathed inside you, his cock hitting all the right spots from within. Now that he was entirely buried in your warmth, he couldn't hold back any longer and quickly started to move in a steady rhythm. You weren't new to his technique, his long, intense, still quite slow thrusts that seemed to press you a little deeper into the bed with each one.
"Oh my god," was all you could breathe, your eyes on him as requested, though a thick veil hung over your sight.
"I know, baby. Feels good, doesn't it? I can feel you clench so hard around me. S'a lot for your pretty pussy, isn't it?"
You nodded softly, hazy eyes gazing back up at him.
"Too much?" Javi searched your face suspiciously at the faint shake of your head. "Talk to me, sweetheart. Need to hear you say it."
"No. S'not too much. It's good like that."
His hand gently slapping your clit wasn't really a reward, yet it felt like one.
"Deeper, Javi… please. Please, I need — more."
This time, it was Javi nuzzling your neck with his lips, kissing along your pulse point and hungrily inhaling your scent.
"Deeper? I can't go any deeper, hermosa. I'm already all the way inside you… She won't let me, you know?" To give you something different all the same, Javi swirled his finger around your clit with more force, smiling contentedly as you softly cried out his name.
"Javi… Javi, oh my god. I'm gonna cum."
It was no surprise that you were so close, considering he had already spent some time between your legs warming you up. It wouldn't take him much longer either, even though part of him just didn't want to let go yet, wanting to feel you a little longer.
"Jesus… You're so fucking warm, babygirl. So wet 'n' warm. Just made for me alone, mhm? I want you to cum for me and I want you to let it all go. Don't hold back."
He tucked your hair behind your ears, which didn't align with the powerful, sharp thrusts he delivered at all. They weren't painful or brutal, of course, but rather made you believe that Javi wanted to make sure you felt him. Preferably for days after. Each one was pointed and precise, driving into you with so much force you shuddered when he slammed back. Occasionally, Javi even broke the rhythm just to make his thrusts a little more surprising, drawing out a few more of those squeals from you. With success, obviously.
"You're so —" you mumbled, teeth dragging over your tongue to release the tension building in your body.
"I'm what?" Javi grinned, knowing that whatever words had formed in your head would amuse him.
"Good. Fuck… so good."
"That's my girl… You know what it does to my cock, don't you? Hearing you talk like that." Javi glanced down meaningfully, though you couldn't see a thing with your heavy, swimming head comfortably resting on a pillow.
"No. What?" you innocently asked, toying with the hair at his temples as your hooded eyes took in each of his lustful glances down your body, your jiggling tits, the thin layer of sweat covering your cleavage.
"Makes it really fucking hard… And proud." Javi purposefully drew his hips back before snapping them forward harshly, fully filling your spent pussy.
"Oh my god," you panted, unable even to tease him further about the effect of your words on his cock.
"Makes me wanna give it to you all night… Just playing with that sweet pussy for hours while she cums for me over and over again… So often that she forgets which one was coaxed out of her by my fingers, which one by my tongue and which by my cock… Makes me wanna give it to her really good, hermosa."
Javi lazily dragged his thumb around your bundle of nerves, throat vibrating with laughter at the way you jolted and jerked underneath him.
"C'mere, cariño…" Javi placed wet kisses along your jawline, all the way around your face until he landed one on your lips. "I want you to cum for me. Want you to give it all to me, baby, fuck… Need to — watch it. How you lose it."
His face was flushed and gleaming with sweat, drops falling from his brow onto your cheeks, but neither of you could have cared less. You were both on the verge of exploding, so much pressure and tension built up in your bodies that Javi felt like the condom wouldn't catch his entire load.
Meanwhile, your hands were still pulling at his hair, using a little more force every time he hit a particularly good spot or touched your clit right at its most sensitive point.
"Cum for me, baby. C'mon, sweetheart," he whispered at the exact moment his cock was buried all the way inside you, the rough skin of his thumb pressing directly onto your nub.
It was all you needed. His exhausted voice, his torso trapping you beneath him. Your head spun like a carousel, and the next thing you knew you were orgasming around Javi's cock, clenching around him ten times harder than before. He followed at once and spilled into the condom, his entire body quivering and shuddering.
His head dropped while you greedily let air fill your lungs, the muscles in your stomach convulsing.
"Oh my god," you murmured like a religious mantra, a single tear escaping from your lower lashes, which Javi quickly wiped from your face. "Javi… I — shit."
"I know, cariño… I got you. I got you, always. Just look at you cumming like that… S'fucking perfect. You're perfect."
There was a lot of vulnerability resonating in his voice, but since you were hovering in a similar dreamy state, you met his tenderness precisely, bringing your hands up to the back of his neck.
"Don't leave," you whispered, caressing his shoulder blades and closing your eyes.
"Where would I go, baby, mhm?"
"You could go home. But I want you to stay."
"I want to stay too…" he muttered through clenched teeth, flexing his jaw as he glided a hand from your hip up to your ribcage.
Javi stayed.
And he didn't just stay, he also fucked you again and again, like he had wished for earlier. First with his tongue, since his cock needed a little time to recover. Javi knelt between your legs and kissed his way down your body, which drew a fresh layer of sweat across your thighs and raised goosebumps along your forearms.
He made out with your clit slowly and passionately, like an ardent kiss shared between two lovers. After your third high of the night, you were crying softly, causing Javi to crawl up to you and scoop you into his arms. Your chin resting on his shoulder, he brought his lips to your ear, nibbling at your skin and speaking quietly.
"Can I give you more, baby? I just can't fucking stop. You taste so good and I need to see it again. Need to hear you say my name when you cum. You say it like you're mine. Like you're trying to tell me that you belong to me and that I'm the only one who gets to touch that pretty pussy."
You wanted to tell him that it was the truth, and that you only ever wanted him to be so close to you, but the words caught in your throat. All you could do was nod and whine his name once more while Javi crawled back down your body.
"Never gonna be done with her, hermosa… Never gonna be done telling her how perfect she is," Javi murmured the instant before he dove back in.
After making you cum again, this time keeping his tongue inside you throughout your high, he fucked you one more time with his cock. He had had great plans to coax a fifth one out of you, but about halfway through you had pressed a hand over your mouth, whimpering that you were too sensitive, which he had respected without a second thought. So it was just him spurting into the condom while hissing curses through his gritted teeth, mostly followed by high praise for you, how well you always took him, how addicted he was to your cunt, how perfect you felt. Better than anything else he had ever experienced.
"Jesus Christ… You're gonna be the fucking death of me, hermosa, shit… Fuck, yeah, like that… Don't move, baby, yes… Just stay like that, goddamnit…"
Then it was over.
Javi pulled out of you carefully, aware that after four releases, you would shriek at the slightest contact against your raw skin. A much darker, more twisted part of him found delight and rotten pleasure in the idea of his cock turning you into such a mess. You had willingly let him bruise your insides, had allowed him to push his fingers or tongue back inside you again and again just because you were so intoxicated by the feeling of him.
"You make it really hard to stop, baby," Javi chuckled, lying down next to you and offering you his hand, which you eagerly took.
"How late is it?" you whispered.
"I don't wanna know…"
"Why?" you asked, turning your head to glance at his profile. "We can sleep in tomorrow, right?"
"Yeah… we can. But still. I think it's really late."
Chest rising and falling steadily, you kissed the knuckles of his hand. "I'm feeling very sleepy, Javi…"
"That's okay, cariño… I put you through a lot today. Are you feeling good? Everything okay?"
You nodded with a faint smile lingering on your lips. "Yeah. Very good."
"Your pussy too?"
Your grin broadened as you felt Javi's fingertips ghost over your thigh, drifting toward your center.
"Yeah… But I really can't go another round."
"I know," he admitted, jutting his jaw forward. "You're just… really addictive. All of you. Makes it hard not to touch you all the time…"
"Well, we've got all the time in the world tomorrow…" you murmured, knowing well how much your boyfriend adored lazy morning sex when neither of you were really awake but highly sensitive to each other's touch.
He had barely even stopped touching you, yet Javi was already excited by the idea of waking you up with his mouth. Perhaps you would still be wet from the night before. Or maybe his proximity, his cock pressed against your backside, would make you dream filthy things that would turn you on in your sleep, resulting in drenched panties when you woke up.
Before Javi's thoughts could wander too far, he quickly kissed the top of your head.
"I can't wait for it. I'm gonna be all yours."
You smiled, then tilted your face so that his next kiss landed on your lips.
"I love you, baby."
Those four words had been as quiet as all the others, yet they carried a different feeling. A different weight, a different emotion ringing in his tone. There was longing and desire mixed with curiosity and fear. Fear that you wouldn't say it back. Now more than ever, Javi became aware that he had never said it quite like this before. He had spoken about being in love with you, told you how wonderful and perfect you were, but saying it to your face like that? It was a first. And hell, it was a little scary.
"I love you too, Javi. I love you so much."
Tears welled in your eyes, your bottom lip quivering as you pushed your face against his neck. A wave of relief coursed through him, flooding from the top of his head down to his little toe. It was ridiculous to feel so afraid of you not reciprocating his love after everything you two had just done, but Javi couldn't help it.
He wasn't half as confident with you as he usually was. Not in a bad way, though. It wasn't like you drained his self-assurance, but he just felt so much shyer and more afraid of doing something wrong whenever he was around you.
Maybe that was what his friends had talked about in the bar. They weren't blind to the way you had fundamentally changed something within him. Something that Javi couldn't quite grasp, but he knew that he liked it. He liked this version of himself, the one who was capable of allowing himself to feel things he had been reluctant to admit before. He liked what you did to him, how he acted in your presence.
"Just stay, baby. I just want you to stay," you whispered, his and your limbs a tangled sprawl across the bed.
"I will stay, cariño. For as long as you want me to. God… I love you."
