Have you ever ghosted someone? If so, why?
I have. Sadly, numerous times. I have never been proud about it. A lot bother me because I was a little boy in a grown mans body. However, the one that haunts me the most is….I ghosted the ONE person who meant the most to me. It was the straw the broke the camels back for her. During that time, in my previous life, I was a police officer and I had just gotten in an Officer Involved Shooting. It was a very traumatic thing for me which triggered a pretty cataclysmic event in my life. Prior to that event, my metaphorical bucket was having gasoline poured into it (deaths, protests, fights, alcohol). At the time, I was so upset with that somebody, we had always made plans to be together forever and she would eventually move towards me. She never did. Mostly because I was an idiot. My childish brain took that as “well let me find someone who will make an effort for me if she won’t.” FLAWED. I KNOW. I basically tricked myself into thinking that we were just longtime lovers and we would never be together like we once were. So I decided to see another person. I was such an idiot.
My second to the last conversation I had with her was me calling her on the phone after I had gotten into my shooting. She was the FIRST person I called. Not my mom. Not my dad, but her. She wanted to come down and see me, but I was terrified that she would come and see me in the most vulnerable position of my life. So I told her “no.”
prior to that, I had not seen her in 3 months. My heart was convinced she would never leave the comforts of her parents house, so I checked out. Fast forward another 3 months post shooting….I had a complete mental breakdown at work. My shooting, the stress, the verge of alcoholism….I worked 6 days a week of 14 hour shifts to try and run away from my problems. But they found me. When I was laying on the couch drunk, having called off of work, I had the gun on my lap…prepared to end my life. I texted her saying “I’m not doing so well.” To which she replied, “I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore, I hope you get the help you need.”
I had to face the realization of the fact that the one person who was there for every important milestone would never be there again.
I deserved it. Every. Fucking. Bit.
Now she is happy with her new person, from what I’ve heard. That makes me so damn happy.
it’s been 4 years since. I’m no longer a police officer. I spent a lot of years working on the problem. ME. I dove into my faith (albeit I’m absolutely terrible at being a Christian). I dove into therapy. I recognized that I was responsible for ruining the most important relationship in my life. I was terrible for cheating on her and lying to her, but most importantly…lying to myself.
Today, I can full heartedly say that I’m a different person. I found a career as a project manager for a kick ass company. I make time for my faith. I make time for my son. I make time to learn from my mistakes. I learn to forgive. I learn to love.
I guess if I could have changed something, I just would have wanted our last conversation to be filled with apologies and gratitude, not from her, but from me. Why can’t I erase my memories like Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind?
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