so yeah, i'm moving! this post is long, it's certainly a doozy.
i'm glad the followers that considered me and my opinions toxic benefitted from me shifting everything around, because they deserve people that will make their space safe and comfortable for them and my obstinate opinions and habits weren't good for them, weren't good for that purpose. i'd gone into this blog never tagging things -- fear triggers, anxiety triggers, and never properly took the time to set up proper tags for such things later on down the line, and i apologize for that. it's an issue that a lot of my followers had, and though i continued to learn (and never gracefully, anyone who had ever said that about me gave a great overstatement of my levels of tact), i did horribly as the person i claimed to be and the ally i wanted to be and was in no way any great addition to any enlightened communities on this website
at the same time it's kind of shameful admitting i dropped off a major means of contact with little means of tracking me down again, i've done that before when it came time to end an internet paper trail, but for the people i left behind --
i really do hope they live good lives!
they really deserve it, and on top of it, a safe space with people who can help create it, who can share opinions and build happy social lives with them, because that's just not something i could provide, or can provide presently on this blog, though starting fresh will certainly leave me wanting to try properly, to be a better person and to lend a better listening ear.
but on top of the stresses from family and the things i'm going through at home, things i can't even talk about for fear that they'll only make the situation worse, and the school stresses and group stresses, i really did not have time to worry directly about nitpicking and other things on my blog, or dwindling friendships that i probably should not have picked up again for the benefit of the other party, because they were doing well enough without me as it was --
i haven't taken the time to worry about myself lately, i haven't taken the time to worry about other people lately -- it's only always been move forward, do well in school, get a job, find out what i want to do in life
and my relationships have been suffering, slowly, my mental health has been suffering too, and i can suffice to say i've grown so distant from my major relationships online (like i even had any offline anymore) that i don't really feel like there's anyone i deserve to confide in, with how i've snuffed people and neglected the communities i really love lately
so for the people that can't see this, that were involved, i'm sorry. i really am sorry.
i'll leave this blog up, as a means of reference, a means of contact, something to look back on. maybe i will come back, but i take faith in the fact that by that time, people who would have found me problematic will have moved on to better things, and i really commend them for that.
i don't want to get out of this with hard feelings, just apologies, a wish for those who found the need to follow me to continue to smile and continue to learn and grow and just -- be happy? because that's not something i can give to many people, can help many people with.
to those of you who are continuing to stick with me despite the negativity i've perpetuated, i guess i should start with a thank you, and a note that that sort of attention, being seen in a positive light as i try to grow from this negative sort of personality that i've always had into something more positive, less pessimistic and more outgoing -- those of you who have had to go through the worst to see the improvements --
it takes a lot of clarity to know your flaws, and i'm not entirely sure i've acknowledged all of mine, but i know there is a lot to work on, i know i'm not inherently a good person, and that's something i want to move on from, even if i know there are some aspects of myself i may not be able to force to change in the present, i know i'll be able to grow away from that stagnation as time goes on
so for now i'll take faith in that
and i'll take some steps forward, and hope you do too, because writing this has made me feel somewhat better in my decision
so this may not be a goodbye! but if it is, i leave you with sincere apologies, a sincere thank you, because for all the time i've wasted on this site, it's people like you who have really made it fun
snowghoul
yousharknotpass
germansingergirl
dededos
janainaart
titsay
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
theartofmadeline