Movies - Before sunrise (1995), Vivre sa vie (1962), Cold War (2005), La Jalousie (2014), La Dolce Vita (1960), High noon (1952), Spellbound (1945), Double Identity (2009), It's a wonderful life (1946), Hiroshima mon amour (1959)
“Way way too often, we’re compelled to let a singular person embody love. And the minute they disappoint us, we allow that disappointment to reshape our entire perspective on love and to let it make us feel unloved. If you think about it, it’s misguided in the first place to assume that a singular person can embody something like love. Love comes in many different ways, love can come from friendships, work, hobbies and that kind of love is just as real. So whenever you feel unloved or get the poisonous thought that you’re unworthy of love, look around a bit more. Because you’re definitely worth it.”
‘me&me&me’ - ‘mère’ by asma (matias armendaris & hanya beliá), 2023, silver plated brass, oil, cardboard, acrylic medium & medium density fiberboard, 29 x 25 x 7 centimeters
Anon wrote: Hi, I’m writing for you because I need help with social struggles/skills. I’m an autistic ADHD IXFJ (prob looping), I’m struggling with identifying the limits between keeping and leaving friendships. I worked to have better and genuine social interactions, however, I never know when I should forgive people’s disrespect or not, or when it’s worth it to keep a friendship. Do you have any idea of how to “behave” in this sort of situation?
People do harm to me sometimes, but I’m quick to search for their shoes and understand why they did it. Most of times, conflicts happens by poor communication, or by accident, not by bad intentions (I don’t use it as a defense to justify keeping a friendship, actually I often do a lot of effort to collect data to find a conclusion, talking to the other part clearly and involving a third part when needed). But when/how much should someone take the others context or difficulties into consideration when judging to leave or not a friendship? I get confused about this. I learnt that the “am I sad or not by the situation” is not enough criteria, since sometimes people repeat bad behavior, however I still lost in this process.
That thoughts happened to me because lately someone very important to me hurt me badly, I know this person is not bad intentioned, however she struggles with egocentrism and things like that, so it’s incapable of realizing it, even though I tell her so (what I did). I understood her and wished to keep the friendship because, as far as I know her, she’s not bad intentioned and care about me, she’s also doing therapy and progress about these concerns.
However, my friends are mad at me because I decided to keep the friendship by understanding it wasn’t her intention and she’s doing progress, although she didn’t show the same effort to understand my side of the story (or what she did meant to me) and asked me sorry only because I mentioned she didn’t (what means she doesn’t care about me and is trying to manipulate me).
I have an INTJ friend who is often well balanced in these concerns, and she told me that I’m self-inflicting suffering by going for her for a resolution, in her understanding I should leave the friendship (and she wants to kick my ass) because the other part lack respect for me. I get her however the one who possess all the information is me. However, although I possess the information, I don’t know what I should do with it either. So, I understand my limits, when they’re crossed, I know I should stand for them and ask for respect even when I’m not so triggered, but I don’t know how to decide what to do next. I hope you understand my question, sorry by any English mistakes. Thank you!!
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I think your question is getting at a very important issue that many people, especially FJs, struggle with, so I think it's worth going into detail about it.
On Why Relationships Get Complicated
Generally speaking, your question is difficult to answer for a variety of reasons, including:
- Relationships have a lot of gray areas. It's hard to know exactly where to draw lines and boundaries sometimes. Most relationships fall into the "normal" category, where some disagreeable behavior is inevitable yet it's never so extreme as to warrant immediate breakup. And then you're stuck wondering at what point does bad become bad enough to warrant breakup. To complicate matters, the breaking point differs for each person based on their individual needs, wants, and goals.
- "Hurt" is sometimes difficult to define due to its subjective nature. What one person deems hurtful, another person easily brushes off. Even when you try to look at the situation as objectively as possible, some behaviors still seem quite ambiguous, making it difficult to determine exactly what needs to change. For example, it could be that one person is too insensitive and needs to be more tactful, but it could be that the other person is oversensitive and needs to be more accepting. Or both could be true. It's hard to make sense of it.
- Relationship compatibility is not either/or. The question of compatibility doesn't have a straightforward yes/no answer because there are so many possible ways of looking at it (one recent study came up with 24 different factors). To complicate matters further, the factors that people consider most important for compatibility can change over time, due to individual change and/or societal change.
On the Source of (FJ) Indecisiveness
Whether to end a relationship is a personal decision. It's not something someone else can decide for you. While your INTJ friend is worried for your well-being, it's not her decision to make. Like you said, only you have all the information and outsiders don't know the whole story. At the same time though, outsiders might be capable of viewing the relationship more objectively, so their opinions shouldn't be flippantly dismissed, either. But too much conflicting information can then breed confusion.
It is often the case that too much conflicting information is confusing to people who don't know what it is they really want. People with crystal clear needs, wants, lines, and boundaries tend to make relationship decisions very quickly and firmly. They are not easily swayed by outside opinions unless new information is presented. In other words, one big reason people suffer from indecisiveness is because they don't know themselves well enough.
How would you respond if I were to ask you directly, "Do you want to keep this friend?" It's a simple yes/no question. Unfortunately, FJs tend to have difficulty giving a definitive answer because they often don't pay enough attention to their own needs and wants. Hearing you describe this problem, so much of what you've said is about trying to understand others and/or the situation. But what about understanding yourself? What do you want? What do you need from people AND are you getting it?
Can you answer straightforwardly, or do you tend to start with "it depends..."? If it depends, then what does it depend on? On what basis are you going to decide whether a relationship is what you need/want or something worthwhile for you to keep and maintain? Being an introvert with socializing challenges (AuDHD), your time and energy for socializing is somewhat limited, so at what point do you decide that a relationship isn't worth your investment and/or that your time and energy would be better spent elsewhere?
Even when FJs know what they want, they can still have difficulty making a firm decision and sticking with it. Decisions made on purely subjective/personal grounds often seem "selfish" to them, which then makes them feel compelled to come up with some kind of "objective" reason to back it up. But because of low Ti, they might have difficulty developing a clear explanation or a coherent justification, which leaves them unable to resolve the situation to their satisfaction.
I'm not here to convince people to make decisions that go against their personality type, since that can end up being harmful. All I can do is prompt you to reflect on the following:
Do you have difficulty making personal decisions purely for the sake of your own well-being? If so, do you like/dislike this quality of yours? Do you wish to change it or not?
Do you usually feel that you owe people an explanation or justification for personal decisions? If so, do you think this is a good thing or something that needs to change, and why?
Under what conditions, if any, would it be possible for you to feel completely at peace with making a purely personal decision (with no consideration given to others)? Do you believe you have a right to make such decisions? Why or why not?
Unfortunately, many FJs get stuck in unhealthy relationships because they are far too forgiving for their own good. They accommodate others at their own expense, perhaps feeling like they should be the bigger person. It's important to remember that a healthy relationship arises from establishing a healthy balance between oneself and others. I can see that you're trying to do this.
Unfortunately, the downside of having to consider so many factors is that it muddles the decision-making process. If you think it's important to take many factors into consideration, that's perfectly fine and admirable, but then you also need to improve your critical or analytical thinking skills. You need to have a reliable method to sort through it all. This is why Ti is meant to complement Fe. It sounds like you've got some development to do regarding the Fe-Ti balance.
On Hurt
An essential factor to take into consideration is whether people are getting hurt in the relationship. When people are afraid of getting hurt, they can sometimes be quick to conclude that hurt = bad. From there, it's easy to jump to bad relationship = must breakup.
Sure, it's not good to get hurt, but at the same time, one must accept the fact that some amount of hurt is bound to happen in any relationship. It takes a while for people to really get to know each other, right? It's inevitable that toes will get stepped on or that boundaries will get crossed because you simply don't know exactly what's going to offend/hurt someone before it happens.
If hurt is a given - a fact of life that can't be avoided - then the key point isn't about (over)reacting to every hurt but to learn the best methods of handling it. This requires you to have a more nuanced approach to hurt and a deeper understanding of its purpose.
The concept of "hurt" can be looked at through a variety of factors, such as: 1) severity: some forms of hurt are more emotionally injurious/traumatic than others, 2) destructiveness: some forms of hurt are more damaging to a relationship bond than others, and 3) morality: some forms of hurtful behavior are more morally objectionable than others. These factors can be rated on a scale of 1 to 10, which would help you get a clearer idea of what kind of response is warranted.
In terms of severity, perhaps a rating of 1-4 is the "bearable" kind of hurt. Perhaps this is the kind of hurt that arises from the natural friction of individual differences in personality or communication style, the remedy to which should be nurturing greater tolerance and acceptance. Perhaps a rating of 5-7 is the kind of hurt that warrants one or both parties to make a change, in order to improve the relationship. Perhaps a rating of 8-10 is the kind of hurt that warrants distance or breakup. You get the point.
In terms of destructiveness, a healthy relationship requires a healthy amount of trust and faith. Trust is about believing that someone has your best interests at heart, that they care about you and intend to treat you well. Faith is about believing that a relationship has a future, that progress is possible as long as both parties remain committed. Rate how much trust and faith you have in the relationship from 1 to 10. What is the threshold (of lack of trust/faith) at which you believe the friendship becomes untenable and isn't worth salvaging?
In terms of morality, a major source of conflict between people comes from differences in values. You're not going to agree with everything other people think or do. This raises the question: What amount of difference in values is intolerable to you? What kinds of moral beliefs/values constitute deal-breakers for you? You can rate the morality of behavior on a scale of 1 to 10, with 10 being very moral and 1 being quite immoral. At what point does the immorality of someone's behavior make it impossible for you to keep associating with them?
Yes, hurt is meant to serve as a warning sign that there's something not right in the relationship. But on the other side, this also means hurt serves as a catalyst for discovering how the relationship should improve over time. Hurt is an opportunity for two people to learn more about each other's likes/dislikes, preferences, habits, beliefs, values, goals, hopes, and traits or styles. Through this long learning process, the relationship should gradually grow more bonded and intimate.
However, if learning isn't taking place and hurtful patterns of behavior stubbornly recur and persist, that's when you have to step back and assess the quality and health of the relationship, in order to determine whether it's good for your mental health to continue.
You don't owe people your friendship. People aren't entitled to your time, energy, empathy, or effort. A relationship should be a two-way street. It's important that you get your fair share of benefits, that your needs are being equally cared for and met. If those benefits aren't forthcoming and, worse, you seem to bear most of the relationship costs, then you're harming yourself by staying.
On Compatibility
Be it friendship or romance, whenever people ask me "should I stay or should I go?", the first question that always pops into my head is, "How compatible are the two of you?" Why does compatibility matter? Generally speaking, compatibility encompasses the factors that impact relationship satisfaction. As a concept, compatibility is used to measure/predict things such as:
how well two people can get along overall
what kinds of mutual benefits are possible
where the points of conflict are likely to lie
the degree of intimacy that is possible for a relationship
whether a relationship can last over the long term
whether a relationship is meaningful or fulfilling
Generally speaking, compatibility is a way to compare and contrast how similar versus different two people are. Studies have shown that, the more points of similarity you share with someone, the more likely you are to feel satisfied with the relationship.
There are many points on which people can be compared. For example: personality/style factors; biographical/background factors; socioeconomic factors; belief system; moral values; perspective on career and family; etc. The study I mentioned above listed 24 important points, including: lifestyle; opinions; emotions; origins; sociality; romanticism; morals; family; food; sensation; class; religion; conformity; leisure; appearance; job; conflict; empathy; humor; residence; speech; intellect; enthusiasm; activity.
Compatibility is usually studied in relation to romance. This makes sense because, if you're thinking of marrying someone or spending 24/7 with them, you don't want too many potential points of misunderstanding or conflict. Compatibility can be applied to friendship as well, only with less stringent standards. Friendships often allow for more differences because you don't have to confront them constantly like in a romantic relationship.
Different people value different compatibility factors. For instance, people with a post-secondary degree tend to value similarity of educational attainment level more than those with a high school diploma. Thus, you have to ask yourself which factors are most important to you. Which factors do you believe are necessary for building a good foundation of friendship with you? Search your past relationship experience and examine which compatibility factors help you feel closer to people (similarities) and which factors often pop up as points of conflict (differences).
Through understanding which compatibility factors you value most at this point in your life (they do change as you age and mature), you can get a much better idea of what you're looking for in a friend. Essentially, this is the process of learning how to set some basic standards that must be met before you enter into a relationship. As you get older, you'll increasingly feel like time is precious, which means standards become important for helping you put your time and energy where they count the most, into relationships that feel the most meaningful and fulfilling.
Note that people at lower levels of ego development tend to misunderstand or misapply the notion of "standards". They turn it into something snobby or elitist because they think standards are about superiority/inferiority, that being un/able to meet certain standards makes one a greater/lesser person. This kind of thinking is antithetical to healthy and loving relationships. It's an indication that the person is not yet fully capable of genuine friendship.
Ideally, standards should only be about facing the facts of compatibility, facing the reality of human similarities and differences. Someone being too different from you to be your friend shouldn't be a judgy statement about them but purely a practical statement about your own needs and preferences. Do not universalize your standards or assume they are any kind of objective measure of anything.
For friendship, difference in itself should not be a deal-breaker. Quite the contrary, differences should be welcomed and treated as opportunities to improve your knowledge about the diversity of human beings, as this would help you improve your social skills and allow you to get along with a wider variety of people. Of course, when differences are accompanied by hurtful behavior, the calculation changes. But too many people treat differences as automatically bad, which seriously shrinks their friendship opportunities.
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The concepts of "compatibility" and "hurt" can be thought of as two sides of the same coin. Compatibility helps you understand the light side, the aspects of the relationship that bring something positive into your life. Hurt helps you understand the dark side, the aspects of the relationship that bring something negative into your life. By examining both sides of the coin, you get a bigger picture view from which to make wiser relationship decisions.
Some people think that a friendship is acceptable as long as nobody is getting seriously hurt, and they don't care about compatibility (very loose standards). Some people think that compatibility is everything, and maybe they're too quick to give up on friendships (very stringent standards). Remember, the concepts I've discussed aren't about forcing everyone to approach relationships the same way (which is something unhealthy Fe desires). This discussion is meant to help you develop your personal perspective on relationships from which to make decisions that are best for your own well-being and fulfillment.
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