The experts believe
Bipolar Disorder
is caused by (issues)
with a little thing called
Neurotransmitters
Itās how the brain Functions
They say thereās
āUnderlying problemsā
With the way our brains circuit
And sometimes itās like
Sometime you can feel that misfire
And you might physically shake your head
Like an etch-a-sketch
To try and remove the intrusive thoughts
We are bullied by our own minds
We are our biggest critics
Some days, some months
I couldnāt leave my house
Having a mental illness is like a BOGO symptom deal
I may have OCD tendencies, but
I have a bipolar diagnosis
If I didnāt have bipolar, I would have OCD
You see?
The fears seem real when youāre experiencing them
The anxieties, the paranoia, the sleepless nights
self-doubting. overthinking.
when youāre low, the sleepless nights are spent the opposite way I lose sleep from the energy when youāre in a high when
Itās like youāre invincible
Until I feel the fears come back
The fear of dirty hands
The fear of being touched
The fear of dirty surfaces
The feeling of germs crawling on my skin and spreading around
until they reach every inch of my body
Itās hard to eat most days
And the groceries go bad
I canāt eat anything close to an expiration date
It could be contaminated
Bipolar is different for everyone
And hard to diagnose because of it
When Iām manic
I talk fast
I get āgrandā ideas
(That last about 2 days -
I spend a lot of money that way)
Iām shaky
I drink even more coffee than usual
I listen to my music way too loud in my car
And sometimes go just a bit too fast
I clean my house obsessively
Ever little piece of dirt tracked in gets picked up soon as I see it
I may vacuum twice in a day
Mopping is second nature to me
And boy does this shortage of disinfectant wipes these days bothers me
I smoke a lot of cigarettes
And forget to eat until itās dark
I want to buy all the books
And want to read them all at once
My mind is going so fast
I donāt even remember the plot.
I get a song stuck in my head
āI think about kissing you every dayā I yell
āI want to be that place where you write and readā I want tattooed
Iād get a tattoo today if I could
The front bottoms are my jam
And I canāt stop singing
I want to dance and move and pace
And get everything done in one run
Iām on top of the world
And I canāt come down
Until Iām down
Iām not obsessed with anything
Except what my brain is telling me
I find myself thinking,
āIf I didnāt have all of these
Animals that rely on me
I wouldnāt need to be hereā
And thatās what intrudes my brain.
When Iām down, I talk slower and move slower.
I donāt even notice Iām doing it
But my voice, speed, tone changes entirely
I donāt want to shower, but Iām afraid of the germs so I push myself to do it
The dishes are such a task
The laundry pile is unreal
I feel like the world is against me
And Iām never going to recover
Until I do.
It ends.
Iām stable.
It will happen again,
But for now,
Iām safe
And I will be again and again.
