Hedonism @peachesand-dream - Tumblr Blog

Hopelessness

I feel like I've forgotten how to just exist. I forgot just how lonely it can be and how tyrannical your thoughts can become living alone. I feel such deep unrelenting sadness. I feel empty. I don't know how to pull myself out of this. I don't know why I deluded myself that I was capable of doing so by myself. I feel so lost, so completely and utterly stressed out, so painfully lonely and desperate for connection yet ashamed of how broken and hopeless I feel. I can't stop crying. Even sitting and trying to shovel food into my mouth while a big lump sits in my throat and I feel too sad to even swallow. I miss Maroubra. I miss the beach. Sometimes I miss just having someone to talk to even though part of me never wants to talk to him again. I'm struggling to make sense of the duality of those feelings. I'm just struggling all around. I feel too sad to do anything, even the things that would usually bring me joy. very waking second of my life feels like such a chore. The paradox is I'm desperate for connection yet desperate to shut myself off from others because I feel like a nervous wreck right now, and I dont want to overburden anyone. I know I need to trust the process, but this chapter feels like being sucked into a black hole. I don't know what's keeping me going. I don't know how to move past this.

Sun 19/1/25 - 6.53 pm

I've been journalling more lately. I save the biggest heavy entries for typing as opposed to writing. My fingers can't keep up with writing the endless flood of thoughts that surface otherwise. I'm trying to work through this big life change - navigating suddenly being single in my early thirties, living alone again, trying to get my head around a new extremely overwhelming career, feeling like I have such little time to myself and when I do it always feels wasted. It's been rough. It's been an emotional rollercoaster to say the least. The added layer of trauma of leaving what would be considered an abusive relationship is only making it harder. The endless string of health issues too.

What feels most consuming to me are the below thoughts that never leave my brain, and come with a heavy feeling of existential dread.

Some days I genuinely have thoughts of suicide because I worry I'll never truly be happy and feel valued and loved. I also feel this way because my health often feels so overwhelming, so consuming. Like I'm doomed and I should just quit before it gets worse because what are the chances I'll actually find another human who wants to support me through this. What are the chances my health can actually improve? I don't feel optimistic at all. I just live in constant fear of what will happen next.

Knowing I can't have kids is making me view myself from the victim lens of who would even want to be with me. I know that's not helpful and I know I have traits that would make me an ideal partner. But this feels so easy to sink into sometimes when I'm already feeling sadness and hopelessness. It's another strike against me

I feel torn between wanting to be with someone because I feel so painfully lonely and wanting to be entirely alone because it's easier than being vulnerable about all the pain and suffering of the last few years

When I reflect on all that trauma, it feels too heavy to share with anyone and makes me feel really unloveable.

I find myself missing parts of my old life. Which is a strange feeling.. because my old life had me so unhappy. But I lived near the sea and as toxic as it was, I was loved. Some days that looks shiny and enticing from a distance. Some days I know better. But I still delude myself every so often and compare that to my loneliness now, which is easy to do. And on those days I find myself breaking into tears in public. Which is not great. These are all my dark, heavy Sunday night thoughts. My head isn't a nice place to be right now but it feels good to get them out.

It's been a while... For the longest time I feel like I've tried to numb myself, distract and disassociate because it's the only way I thought I could get through the constant rollercoaster. I was bound to hit a wall eventually... An avalanche of rage, desperation, guilt, shame, powerlessness, fear and anxiety has hit me and left me absolutely depleted. Right now I'm dealing with this persistent, joint pain that's crept in insidiously with a tidal wave of fatigue and lethargy. I have a million and one obligations, mostly work and relationships- none of which I feel I can currently meet. I am drowning in hopelessness and fear. I'm scared that another autoimmune diagnosis is headed my way and I'll have to succumb to it's gravity. My unhealthy coping mechanisms are well and truly exposed. My perfectionism, my eating disorder and obsessive compulsive tendencies- a meticulously created, yet deceptively detrimental system for managing my anxiety and to my realisation now; masking it. I've mastered appearing fine on the surface, diminishing and devaluing my own needs the way I've been conditioned all my life to. Don't be the burden Lauren. Don't overwhelm others with your basic needs. I'm trying to rewire my brain to not be so attached to others responses or lack of responses. To focus my intention instead on validating myself, my needs. It's fine to want things from others -it's human. But it's not sustainable or productive to expect everyone to love you in a certain way or in a way they may not be capable of, then cling to resentment and disappointment that they couldn't live up to your unspoken expectations of them. That's setting yourself up for heartbreak and disappointment. I need to stop breaking my own heart. I need to learn that loving myself is a superpower, that I don't need another human to provide me safety - I can do that for myself. Even when it feels like my body is falling apart. I can still be my own safe haven. I can still give myself the love I need and deserve.

down bad — t.s

India Cardona

Jessica de Oliveira

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Hedonism