by - virtue @peaksofprosperity - Tumblr Blog

butterfly leg chain by mammamiajwl

"That feeling that I rarely feel but am constantly in search of"

I feel so many things. but it has been seriously years since I've written out my thoughts. They are all swirling and mixing in my head, it's getting crowded I'm sure.

-i'm engaged.

-i moved to la

-i'm sitting in the office second bedroom. i was listening to taylor swift, but now i put on mumoford and sons because i saw a qoute from it while reading previous posts.

I loved reading all my writings about V. Its interesting b/c that was such a toxic relationship looking back, but I felt most myself, I was living the life I wanted, but it was destructive and toxic to myself and others around me.

I haven't written in so long it is hard to me to grasp just one thought, there are so many.

let me start with now.

T is out of town for another 6 days. J and P just stayed with us me for one night. P and I went to breakfast with Shannon. and I hated every second of it. since Shan and the KF crew have come it to my life, it has essentially been downhill. And i don't think i have truly felt like myself since that night at the Sutton in Van... when I was talking to G and it was the first time i had ever felt like someone was having a conversation with me and they generally wanted nothing to do with me. It is a sobering and saddening feeling. i've never been the same since. My dna has changed. once that happens, it's hard to build up confidence. Like a wall with a crack, you can fill the crack and sand it down but it will always and forever be a wall with a crack. unless you tear it down and start over.

If i wrote down my thoughts more, i don't think i would be in the situation i am in now.

I drove J and P to the airport, and stopped on the way back at chickfila. There is nothing like night driving with chickfila in the passenger seat that really makes you think and feel everything as it is.

As i was reading my past posts, is it sad, or selfish, or righteious of me that i thought "I want to feel what it feels like to fall in love again." Will i ever feel that again? I must. Will it be me falling in love with T again? with C? or with someone new?

is this it for love? is love now a shitty apartment in central LA with terrible insulation and the ugliest grey walls? Is love dimming my light while you ferociously roar? is love continued work with the same person? or does love need to die to find it again? is love finding myself while in this relationship? Can i be who i want to while in this relationship? i'm not sure. I'm certainty not now. i'm tired and lost and clinging on to the bright light that is you. You shine so bright in so many ways that it is enough to make up for my dim flickery light.

I think we live on different planets.

Hiiii

niclasvonschedvin-blog

roseydoux

The Secret Garden (1993)

Because you are so confident in us, faking it or not, it makes me confident in us. Like to you there is no other option than to get through this.

But then I think about the day to day.

Either me in New York City, making a brave face in the cold, all alone. Or me in my childhood bedroom annoyed and sad. While you are having long days filming with your new fam, the opposite of alone.

Funny how I just put all other probalems aside. Like oh you leaving for a long period of time? I know how to do this. Us not on the same page about sex, idk how to do that. I love a problem to know how to solve.