I blame you for not being able to write happy endings in any of my stories.
anotherliferelatedblog (via anotherliferelatedblog)

❣ Chile in a Photography ❣

blake kathryn
🪼

@theartofmadeline
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trying on a metaphor
Sade Olutola
cherry valley forever
hello vonnie
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JVL
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me

roma★

izzy's playlists!
sheepfilms
Monterey Bay Aquarium

Janaina Medeiros
will byers stan first human second
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
Aqua Utopia|海の底で記憶を紡ぐ
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@peanut-monster
I blame you for not being able to write happy endings in any of my stories.
anotherliferelatedblog (via anotherliferelatedblog)
Athletic retirement aka my worst nightmare
Tears are streaming down my face, I feel anxious and overwhelmed, I cannot think of a worse moment in my life so far and I have been through a lot this year, and yet this is the day I feel lost, hopeless, sad, defeated, useless, forgotten. And all of this just because I realised, the younger players are no longer catching up, they are flying and passing me by. I guess this is how it feels when it is time to retire. I am not one to give up easily, I have fought for my spot on the team but my body cannot handle the same fight anymore. My body is one big overuse injury; my ankles, my knees, my shoulders, my wrists, my back and my neck. I guess, it is the time.
I have not given retirement much though, because up until now, I believed I could still do it. I was sure I could squeeze another season or two in, i hoped I could finish my last season strong but the young woman who joined our team this year as a rookie, a baby, we nicknamed her Junior, is improving at a very fast rate, the coach is giving her the opportunities even when not earned but she takes them, and she performs amazingly. I am proud of her, I am happy for her, but is it selfish if I feel just a bit sad for me?
I do not know where to go from here. I always thought my career would not end voluntarily. I really thought the only way I would stop playing was if my body completely broke down and I did not think of overuse injuries, I am good with battling those. I thought my only way out was a career ending blow of the knee, or shoulder, or something big. Something I could not control, something out of my hands, a sign maybe, telling me it was enough. I would be okay with that kind of retirement. But seeing that I am not able to do things the way I want to anymore, that is more heartbreaking than any injury could be.
So my retirement is coming soon, I do not know how much time I have left in me, seeing kids surpass me, sitting on the bench. But while I do, I am going to keep being the biggest cheerleader of my younger team mates and love them unconditionally and while I do that, I will let myself feel sorry for myself just a little bit. After all these years, maybe I deserve a little pity party before I leave it all behind. At least I know that when I do retire, I have a career waiting for me, that is what will keep me going. I just have to get there.
Anxiety through time.
For some unknown reason, I spent my afternoon being sucked in a black hole of my old tumblr posts and I have realised, I have grown. My old posts pictured my anxiety as a demon in my life, the anxiety attacks were daily, so were the panic attacks. My mental state was out of control and nothing really helped. I felt like my entire life, my every single decision was dictated by anxiety. I read through my old posts feeling bad for my younger self. I felt sad, I remembered how lost I felt in the world but I did not remember until now, how hopeless I was, how defeated, how exhausted. I wrote about chronic anxiety and the after math of that and I cannot seem to relate to that anymore. I am not sure that ‘I grew’ is the right way to explain it, but things are not the same as they were.
I do not experience anxiety on a daily basis. I know my triggers and when I cannot avoid them, I can control my mind to not get over stimulated and I breathe my way out of it. I maybe have 1 or 2 true panic attacks yearly! I do not suffer from chronic anxiety, I am not exhausted all the time, my body has time to recover, I sleep, I do not get sick every couple of weeks, I do not have issues keeping my food down, or issues with over eating. I still have days or weeks when my body is in a constant state of nervousness for no particular reason but it is not nearly as bad as it used to be. I am not hopeless or defeated. I am happy and healthy and when I do get anxious, I know how to get better. And that is growth. I grew.
Turtles are so beautiful
Social media vs. reality
I realised I have a telltale sign. When I am most anxious, most depressed or mostly not okay, my instagram seems perfect. The photos I post are vacation selfies, me posing with the biggest smiles, hanging out with people and having fun when in reality I feel broken, unhappy, disappointed, lifeless even.
It happened this weekend too. I was walking down the streets of Split, Croatia, paranoid because of the masses of people surrounding me and my friends. One of my friends had her dog with her and shielding a terrified dog and guiding her through tiny alley ways was a priority for all of us. I was freaking out, on verge of tears and a panic attack, I was stressed and yet I took a million of perfect selfies in which I look happier than ever. I was not happy. I was terrified. I was not happy, I was a mess. And today, looking through the photos I noticed my friend took one of me, sitting uncomfortably in a chair at a bar we went to, in the busiest street in Split, looking sad, horrified and not happy at all.
It made me realise that faking happiness for social media or to change my own memory of the experience, when looking at those happy photos later on, is not doing any one any good. I should not feel the need to take and post happy photos when I feel down, what I should do instead is speak up, tell the people I am with, that I am not okay. Looking back at the experience should never be “Oh, I look so happy there, I must have had such a great time”, when the reality is that I got stressed and that no matter how hard I tried to hide it and act normal and get over it, I had a rough time. And there is nothing wrong with that.
30 before 30.
I am almost 25 years old and I have had a bucket list for every year of my “semi-adult” life, so from around the age of 15. My bucket lists are usually about yearly goals I almost never achieve, because going to the gym 3 times a week the entire year is just not possible to do. For the first time in my life, I am making an actual list of things I want to achieve before the big 30. So here we go.
1. Travel to Australia
2. See northern lights
3. Visit London
4. Swim with manatees
5. Spend a week or more in NYC
6. Get eye surgery because I want to actually use my eyes :)
7. Keep a blog for a year
8. Read 25 books in a year
9. Spend half a year without social media
10. Go vegan
11. Get a tattoo
12. See another broadway show or west end show
13. Start doing yoga
14. Live on my own
15. Get a dog
16. Keep a plant alive for a year or longer
17. Write a book
18. Run half a marathon
19. Set foot on all continents
20. Get my dream job
21. Go to a huge music festival
22. Go solo travelling
23. Get my drivers licence
24. Spend a night in a tree house
25. Visit a trampoline park
26. Return to Wah-nee
27. Find my style
28. Learn how to cook better
29. Be happy
30. Marry the love of my life.
Reblog if you're not homophobic
Every url that reblog’s will be written in a book and shown to my homophobic dad.
Reblog this you little shits.
Always reblog.
Hearing your name used to feel like a bullet to the heart, but now I don’t quite feel anything at all. It’s funny how things change over time and makes me realize I’m stronger than I thought I was.
Excerpt from a book I will never write #1129 // B.K Laurel (via excerptsofstories)
I’ve been thinking a lot about the meeting between Trump and Obama at the White House, and here’s the thing.
Obama used to be a law professor. This is key.
Law school is so, so different from college.
In college, everyone expects there to be a “syllabus day,” kind of a grace period where they can show up and get the lay of the land, figure out the bare minimum that they can get away with, the TA gives everyone their office hours, there’s an introductory lecture, and everybody leaves a few minutes early to go take a nap or something. You do the bullshit assignments, you say something in class now and then to get your participation check mark, and figure out how badly you can do on the final and still pass.
But see, in law school, all the methodologies you’ve spent the last 17 years operating under go out the window. Day one of law school is you being thrown into the deep end of the pool—you’ve had a homework assignment for two weeks now, and it’s to read the first 200 pages of your casebook. And now it’s you and the teacher (who is usually as smug as Alex Trebek) gauging and assessing what you managed to absorb while you skimmed through all those pages of reading so you could hurry up and get to the other 150 pages of reading for your next period class, in front of 50 people who are all smarter than you. And if you fuck up, or you didn’t do the reading, you are at the mercies of not just the professor, but the silent satisfied judgment of your peers.
Law school is hard, and it will make you feel stupid and tongue-tied and like you don’t know anything and can’t form an argument—because you don’t, and you can’t. Everybody there has had a 4.0 since birth. Everybody there was the smartest kid in their class, and you’re all rabidly competing for a sliver of a chance at something down the road. It’s petty, and savage, fiercely entrenched in a culture of formalities and ceremony, and exactly like Washington DC.
Yesterday when I was driving home, the NPR reporter talking about the Oval Office meeting mentioned that Trump had thought it was going to be a “getting to know you” type meeting, but that he was surprised when Obama stretched their talk out to 90 minutes before sending him along to the Capitol building where he met with congressional leaders for more lengthy meetings and stuff he didn’t want to do.
And he hasn’t even gotten to the actual job yet.
So think about that as we go into this.
Trump walked into the Oval Office like a two-pump-chump freshman thinking it was syllabus day, and what he got was the first day of law school, and he hadn’t done the reading like everyone else had, and Professor Obama decided to put him in the hot seat.
This was Obama’s chance for the most perfect revenge that would never be picked up on as revenge at all. He was gracious, polite—everything he needed to be for a peaceful transition and a good review from the press. And that would continue when the doors were closed, because that’s the key. Not a Come to Jesus meeting, oh no. If Obama were smart—and he is very smart—he would have treated Trump like an equal, and brought the discussion to a level that assumes far more of Trump than anyone has so far. Assumes that he’s an adult who’s been paying attention. Statistics, esoteric minutiae about the executive branch procedure, economic growth numbers, labor figures, domestic policies, countries Trump has never even heard of, shit that would never in a million years have been in Trump’s campaign soundbites or digestible summaries.
No way to escape. No aides to remember any of it for him. Just the two of them.
Because that’s what would strike a precise chill into Trump. The thundering realization that he’s woefully unprepared for the hard, boring, thankless reality of this, and Obama’s version of a smooth transition won’t and shouldn’t include remedial civics.
That’s what I saw when they shook hands and Trump stared at the floor instead of looking back into Obama’s face. He’s just figured out how little he knows about any of this.
And that should give you a small glow of satisfaction, because after those meetings, Trump definitely has the 1L Terror Shits. In January, the night sweats and insomnia will show up, but for these first few weeks—nothing but diarrhea and self-doubt.
Happy Ghost is my favourite Ghost! :D loot at his tiny happy face, that little baby. So happy.
Used to be hype af when she saw
I still do this 😂
I send my mom photos of my cleaned up apartment!
Yesterday a terrorist killed 41 people in a stadium in Al-Asriya, a few miles from Baghdad. It was a football tournament. Seventeen aged between 10 and 16 died. Had it happened in Europe, the entire world would be weeping; our politicians would spend hours saying how Islam hates the West and how we should ‘close the borders’ to refugees. But these boys died in Iraq, and some bombs are not as loud as others. May they rest in peace.
To the little dark cloud in my brain.
Hi, I see you so often I consider you my friend, you are here in my worst times after all. But even in my best times, I can still feel your presence somewhere near me, ready to creep into my mind and cloud it with darkness.
I had a great day and I knew that the second my friends left me on my own, you would come to hug me close. Hug me and pull me in this void I fear one day I will not find and exit from. Now, half past midnight, you are still here, making me relive every wrong thing I had ever done, feel every heart breaking emotion I had ever felt while draining every single bit of energy left in me.
Little dark cloud, why? Why do you always have to ruin the most beautiful of days by taking me back to the place where I feel like my entire existence is worth nothing to no one, not even me.
I am thinking about transitioning from vegetarian (pescetarian to be completely honest, i do eat fish once in a while) to a plant based diet, but I kind of still want to eat fish because:
a) I live by the sea and I have grown up eating fish at least once a week
b) fish is freaking healthy
c) my dad catches exactly the amount of fish we eat
d) I kind of love fish once in a while
Chicken, beef, pork was so easy to let go of, why can’t fish be too :( I love fish.
Note to self.
Never give up. Never take an easy way out when it comes to your life. Never give up on breathing, on your heart beating, on little things that take your breath away, on people who make your eyes sparkle. Never give up on hope. Never give up on sunny days. Never give up because you are drowning. You are always strong enough to keep swimming. You are!
a damaged soul does not equal a weak one
i can’t remember where this is from it is just stuck in my mind all the time.
Hahah