he didn’t intend to seek amelia out to guilt her , but he was beginning to see the error in his approach . he’d spent so much of his time worried sick over her , blaming himself for not being good enough for her to confide in , making desperate attempts to get ahold of her for so long yet she’d evaded him like a phantom . he wanted nothing more than to keep her safe , something he’d failed so miserably at … and she fled from him . ivaan knew he was selfish , too preoccupied with how she’d wronged him to fully comprehend the circumstances . while he’d never dream of rushing her grief , he was lost as to why she had to cut him out of the picture as well . if not him who else would be there to kiss away her tears and make sure she was eating ? it was a thought that made him nauseous . overcome with regret , he couldn’t bear to look at her . his tall physique towered over her’s and yet he felt miniscule , reduced to smithereens , heart shattered by the harsh reality of what their relationship had dissolved into . things between them were forever changed and she was blissfully unaware of the hold she had over him .
he had no desire to erase their memories and start afresh with someone new . he recalled the days in which her eyes shone for him , shimmering with the possibility of love . the unconditional kind . he wished he had a time turner , a way to set the clock back to prevent her from experiencing such trauma , or a way to plummet the two back to an era where they could be themselves — untainted by the impending war . he flinched as she spoke , her words resonating within his chest . “ and i’m sorry . i’m so fuckin’ sorry and i know those words don’t mean anything at this point but i am . i just was so scared for you . i didn’t know where you’d ended up or if i’d ever see you again . ” he sighed , sincerity evident in his expression . he reached out for her hand hesitantly , craving the warmth of her touch one last time , “ i’ll fuck off and leave you alone , since that’s what you want . but know that you aren’t replaceable to me . i wouldn’t be behaving like such an obnoxious git if that were the case . ”
the bedtime stories her mother would read her growing up had certainly warped her perception of reality , shielded from the harsh actualities of life . of course , she had been exposed to tales of evil stepmothers and ironically enough wicked witches , but she had learnt that good always prevails . however , only recently has she come to realise that the real world is nothing like her fables ; she is no princess and he is not her knight in shining armour , no matter how hard he tries to be . what he’d face would be far worse than any dragon or old hag , and it’s attempt that she will not allow , for the sake of losing him too . letting him go is a sacrifice , with both of their happinesses on the line , but it’s silly to think that they’re each other’s ‘ happily ever after ’ , still so young and naïve to think those exist . with each tragedy she experiences , she becomes less of an idealist , but she cannot physically ignore how she feels about him , despite how hard she tries to suppress it ; certain that if soulmates exist , he is hers . it still doesn’t make it right for her to ask him to wait , not when she can’t be certain if it’ll ever be safe or if she’ll be able to reciprocate how he feels in a way he deserves .
her grief wasn’t the only reason she never opened his letters , but for fear of the unknown . she was afraid that absence hadn’t made the heart grow fonder and perhaps he had found someone else , unable to handle another heartbreak . though , he’s never given her reason to think that , plagued by her own self sabotage . but any insecurities that she had would flee with just one look , one that would make her feel like the only girl in the world , never mind just a room . her hand slips into his out of habit , as a way to calm his rambling , and she tries to convince herself that she doesn’t feel the electricity , as she brings it up to her face , so that his hand cups her cheek . “ you don’t have to be scared anymore . i’m here , i’m safe . ” though , she doesn’t entirely believe that , not with how the war continues to break out . his words cause her expression to falter , more so than it already has , and she removes his hand , “ it’s not what i want and i know that doesn’t make this any easier , but i need to do what i think’s best for me . and i can’t let you wait around for me whilst i do that . i think once you find someone , you’ll think differently . ”