Iâm writing this from the forge in the hope Iâll have a better chance of keeping it a secret, but every time something inside the furnace clanks or pops Iâm jumping out of my skin thinking itâs your cane on the grating and youâre coming down to bust me.
I told Sky it was your birthdayâI know, I know, please donât be mad. She threatened to twist my ear off if I didnât tell her when it was. I know you donât like anybody making a big fuss about you, but weâre doing it anyway, because we love you, and if you donât let us, itâll hurt Skyâs feelings. Maybe mine, too, but whoâs counting.
Ever since the day I met you, Iâve been trying to work out how to put into words what you mean to me. Even now, Iâve crumpled up more pieces of paper than Iâd ever admit trying to get it out of my body and onto the page. It never feels quite big enough to simply say youâre my best friend in the world. Donât get me wrongâyou are. Your friendship is the thing Iâve treasured the most over the past seven years. Every award, every prize, every shiny stupid heavy thing someone handed me hasnât felt anywhere near as good as getting to see you hiding out of view of the audience sidestage, (you lucky bastard), grinning up at me with your crooked little tooth shining in the dark.
It doesnât feel like enough to tell you that youâre my favorite part of the day, every day, and I miss you whenever weâre apart. I wonât ever be able to thank you enough for everything youâve done for me. For taking even my craziest ideas seriously. For treating me like your intellectual equal when we both know you quietly fix up my calculations without making me feel embarrassed about it. For not laughing at me that time I panicked when I got my finger stuck in a wheel nut and you got the jar of engine grease to help me get it out.
It doesnât feel like enough to tell you your quiet strength, your dignity, your humility, your wisdom, your fierce, unswerving kindness and your commitment to doing good, to making the world better than you found it, gave me a reason then and give me a reason now. For inspiring me simply by being the person you are. Choosing to see the best of people, wanting to see them happy and cared for, and never asking for a thing in return. Like the day two summers ago when a bird got into the lab, and you caught it with your hands and took it outside so it wouldnât hurt itself, even though it pecked your fingers like crazy.
It doesnât feel like enough to tell you meeting you felt like the right thingâthe only right thing, the most right thing.
I know you donât believe in fate or destiny or soulmates or any of that nonsense; in fact, I can almost hear you clicking your tongue at me, but humor me for a second here. If thereâs any other version of me somewhere in an alternate universe, I believe heâd have found whatever version of you existed there, too. Whatever it is that makes me me, whatever combination of carbon atoms and molecules it is thatâs holding me together, I believe was meant to find you. Maybe at the inception of the universe, when everything was new, we were together then, and weâll be together again at the end.
And maybe youâre rolling your eyes, or snickering at dorky mushy Jayce with his head in the clouds, too many fairytalesâbut itâs the truth. I love you, V. Hereâs to another year of burnt coffee and sleep-deprived arguments about whoâs better at drawing a freehand circle (itâs me, but for the sake of your birthday letâs just call a draw for now).
( @askviktor | @peregrines-glorious-evolution )
