PerpendicularPotato

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[perpendicularpotatoes]

Illustration for Useful by Bigbluebuttfeathers

Inspired by @batsarebetterthanpeople / Bigbluebuttfeather's devastating (in the best way) Kraken Era Ed/Frenchie fic. I had been sitting on this almost finished for way too long.

Frenchie and Ed do a bit of Rhino Horn in the captain's cabin on Frenchie's first night as Blackbeard's First Mate. Ed gives himself one more chance to feel something before one of his suicide-by-proxy schemes finally pans out.

Here's just a closeup of their faces since the full piece is very much not safe for Tumblr. (You can find it either on ao3 or bluesky)

[perpendicularpotatoes]

Kinktober Day 19: Punto In Aria [fic]

3.5k words, E-rated, Ed/Wee John

featuring Feminization, Size-Difference, Cockwarming and unreasonably intricate needlework

He lifted the center panel and held it up to Edward’s chest while making thoughtful humming noises. As John carefully adjusted the position and ran his hands across the fabric to flatten it against the skin, Edward felt himself break out into gooseflesh. There was something about the combination of delicate silk and lace brushed against his skin by Wee John’s huge rough hands—calloused from shipboard labour and needlework alike—that still got to Edward every time. He had to fight the impulse to look down and keep still instead.

A raided trunk full of finery clearly not intended for a body like his sparks something in Edward.

Sometimes it can be a lot less scary to ask for what you want if you can turn it into a bit.

[canonizzyhours]

i think i could have a lot more sympathy for izzy's "unrequited love" if people framed it as being less incel shit about how sad it is to be friendzoned despite your endless selfless devotion and more about how legitimately deranging it would be to spend every single day of your life for years working in close quarters with one of the hottest people in the world while they constantly perform your exact personal fetishes. if taika waititi was my co-worker i'd be insane too

#601.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

To Be Seen [fic, 2/3]

Chapter 2: A Pathetic Simulacrum

Upon Edward’s return to the Revenge from the academy, all the crew saw was that he had come back without Stede, but what none of them could have known was that that didn’t mean he had returned alone. It was only natural that it should come back now because, really, Edward had never felt emptier.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

To Be Seen [fic, 1/3]

Last month, I got [Tattoos], [Voyeurism] and [Monster-Fucking] from a kink prompt generator.

So here's chapter 1 of a canon-compliant exploration of generational trauma, coping mechanisms and the desire to be seen.

With lots of tentacle sex.

Chapter 1: Like One Last Bruise

There was probably something to be said about how many of Ed’s most prominent tattoos were of things he was absolutely terrified of. The giant snake on his arm, for example. Or the not one, not two, but three enormous spiders on both feet and his left hand, that instead of desensitizing him, had just led to him religiously wearing his black leather glove... So he couldn’t even really blame the choice of a kraken on drunk stupidity alone. Though that night’s events were all a bit of a blur and he wasn’t even entirely certain that he had even been the one to make the call.

For years, Edward Teach had been hiding safely in Blackbeard’s shadow. But the only thing scarier than being seen clearly might be not being seen at all.

He’d long ago written off being recognized and held unconditionally and without judgment as a childish dream—until he discovered that some dreams might be far more real than they should be.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

Whatever Happened to Blackbeard? [fic, complete]

Chapter 3: The Breaking of Blackbeard

The day has come for the Great Blackbeard to rise like a phoenix from the ashes—just so he can be mercilessly railed into a mewling little puddle of leather and eyeliner.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

Whatever Happened to Blackbeard? [fic]

Chapter 2: The Prelude

Featuring marmalade, the intricacies of kink negotiations when balancing a history of self-destruction, an 18th century understanding of anatomy and whim-prone lunacy—plus a lot of feral theatre kid energy.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

Whatever Happened to Blackbeard? [fic]

A several years post-canon E-rated GentleBeard fic.

Chapter 1: The Poster (1/3)

Edward blinked at the piece of paper in his hands. It was one of his old wanted posters. The one with the big nose and the crazy eyes and the writing on the back. They had all had crazy eyes though, hadn’t they? This specific one however had been re-titled in bright red paint ‘The Gentleman Pirate’s Bitch’. And underneath—presumably in thoughtful consideration for the wide-spread illiteracy amongst pirates—there was a crude drawing (in both senses of the word) helpfully illustrating that very statement.

It's been a few years—post-piracy, post-myth, post-Blackbeard—and despite all odds, Edward has done the work and found peace.

But the world never got to witness the legend's grand downfall, so now they just won't stop poking the corpse and drawing dicks on its face.

And for some reason, this time... Edward just can't look away.

A celebration of a life post-public gaze, a reclamation of narrative and the most meta revenge-hatefuck fantasy imaginable—staged by two soft fucking lunatics in love.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

The After-Image of a Myth [fic]

Chapter 4: A Clusterfuck of Tedium

The one thing Edward hadn't reckoned with was that it would be this fucking boring.

Ned has theories.

Edward has ADHD.

Vincent has nightmares.

John Russell wishes he still had his rosary.

And Izzy has to admit he lost Blackbeard.

[You can find optional details on this chapter's consent dynamics breakdown in an expandable details tag in the chapter notes.]

[perpendicularpotatoes]

The After-Image of a Myth [fic]

Chapter 3: The Monstrosity

Ned has come up with the perfect punishment for being ignored way to break Blackbeard.

Edward has a realization and an orgasm, in that order.

Hellkat Maggie regrets learning how to read.

[You can find details on this chapters consent dynamics breakdown in an expandable details tag in the chapter notes.]

[perpendicularpotatoes]

The After-Image of a Myth [fic]

Chapter 2: The Thing in the Corner

Just posted the second chapter of my Edward/Ned Low fic that ended up coinciding perfectly with Ned Low week...

Chapter Summary: Ned thinks the "Breaking of Blackbeard" is imminent. Edward realizes with dismay that he can't even remember the last time he got to suck dick. Consent being muddled would an understatement—the power dynamics might somehow be even less clear.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

The After-Image of a Myth [fic]

Can't believe I was finally getting ready to post the first chapter of my 7 chapter Edward/Ned Low fic and now it's apparently Ned Low week... so here we go:

What happens if someone tries to violently strip away what you have desperately tried and failed to shed for years? And what does it mean if after the mask shatters, still all they can see are their own projections?

Chapter 1: The Looming Threat of Mold

It had seemed like a good idea at the time. Eighty-nine raids! So much that could go wrong there, so many stray bullets, so many opponents—their sheer number meant one might get lucky after all. And if all else failed, well, there was still the deranged sadist that had set the original record… “You know, uh, we've never met.” Low was slowly pacing around Edward. “But there's a reason for that.” Oh fuck me. Low had barely said two sentences and Edward was already getting tired. He was too hung-over for this…

This fic deconstructs dub-con captivity tropes to explore the tragic futility of just trying to be Edward—while the world just won't stop projecting all their fucked up shit onto you.

More consensual and hornier than you'd expect—but no Stockholm Syndrome, no “oh no, what if I like it?!” nonsense.

[optional consent dynamics breakdowns will be included in chapter descriptions]

[perpendicularpotatoes]

History's Most Brilliant Tactician Brought to Ruin [fic]

Got distracted from my new long fic (that I'm almost ready to start posting) and wrote a filthy, kinky, sweet and loving post-canon one-shot.

Comfortable in their semi-retirement/prospective innkeeper life, a visit on the Revenge might just be the perfect time for Stede to deliver on a fantasy Ed had been having. It goes well—maybe a little too well and Stede is faced with some ghosts he thought long exorcised.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

For It Is September 3rd, and Tonight Is Actually a Full Moon [Fic]

In response to an article about the OFMD Craft Fair (that ended up raising over 85k! Holy shit! 🥹) mixing up Rhys Darby and Ewan Bremmer, @petrichorca pledged to make an extra donation if anyone wrote at least 300 words of Ed/Buttons by Saturday.

So uh, this might have slightly gotten away from me (and kinda sorta may have turned into a Ed/Buttons/the Sea/the Moon foursome...):

3.6k, M-rated, canon-compliant crack-treated-seriously [with the M-rating only preserved by a potentially excessive amount of oceanic/lunar imagery and metaphors...]

(For tags see screenshot below or its alt text)

He was torn from his musings by… what the hell, was that a flute? Edward surveyed the deck but nothing stirred among the sleeping crew. Curious he stood up and followed the tones towards the forecastle. It was Bird Guy! Stark naked, bird on his head and alternating between playing a few notes on a recorder and throwing his arms open wide as if he was trying to pull the full moon itself into a passionate embrace. Edward stood there in silent awe, mouth slightly agape. This ship was fucking amazing! Where had Stede found these people?! He couldn't wait to find out what brilliantly mental thing Bird Guy was up to here. — or — Edward learns quite a bit about the intricacies of basking in moon glow and the proper way to worship Her Majesty. Might help him keep his lunar calendar straight in the future.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

By sort of doing an accidental redraw, I realized that pretty much exactly 6 months ago I was incredibly excited about the left eye...

Left one is from this and right one from a current WIP.

And to make it extra fun, the original first version of the right picture that I had considered almost done in August... 😆

[perpendicularpotatoes]

Too Much Fucking Rhino Horn

To nobody's greater surprise than my own, I bring you a second fic for @ofmdrareships:

A G-rated Kraken-Era crack-treated-seriously fic about Archie and Edward's first interaction.

[See tags in image/alt text]

It was a horribly, disgustingly, viciously, downright pervertedly beautiful Caribbean night. As soon as Ed stepped out on deck he was greeted by the giant middle finger of an otherworldly large, unbearably romantic full moon—shamelessly flaunting itself in an inky black cloudless sky, framed by a countless number of stars twinkling at him mockingly. — or — For Edward, a shit night turns quite memorable. For Archie...eh, in her experience, that's kind of how stuff goes.

[perpendicularpotatoes]

Like A Jackhammer

The accompanying illustration for my contribution to @ofmdrareships's Smut Day!

I'm 99% sure this isn't too much for tumblr, but just in case some's looking over your shoulder, I put the uncropped image after the jump.

Edward's a little overwhelmed right now, but no worries, he enjoying himself! (Well, for a given, slightly masochistic value of 'enjoying' that is...)

I'm happy I managed to finish this in time even though it's kind of a pity that I didn't have enough time to include the Swede properly...