PerriewinkleNerdie

Scientist, little bit of a writer. *Masterlist* *AO3*

[perriewinklenerdie]

One shots

Winning (Ethan takes it upon himself to stop Claire from overworking herself.)

Pretending (It's another year of spending New Year's Eve together at the hospital for them. Ethan does everything he can to ensure they have a moment to themselves.)

In a mood (Ethan is in the “lovey dovey” mood - he doesn’t acknowledge that term, but Claire enjoys it very much)

[jamespotterthefirst]

Ode to a Nightingale (AU)

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Miss Lilac Allende)

Word count: 2.8K

Premise: Amid the dazzling ballroom, a single question from Lilac—about a mysterious woman from Ethan’s past—shatters the evening, forcing Ethan to confront buried memories, dark secrets, and the impending threat to his future with Lilac.

Series: AU, set in the 1800s. Continuation of She Walks In Beauty | A Red, Red Rose | How Do I Love Thee |

Part 2 of More Lovely and More Temperate

Ethan caught sight of Tobias Carrick’s tall, lean figure walking away from the far corner of the ballroom, his departure drawing a frown to Ethan’s brow. It was no secret he deeply loathed Tobias Carrick, and seeing him near Lilac set his nerves ablaze. His eyes darted to his fiancée, standing beside a petite young woman he didn’t recognize. The woman’s expression was one of pure fire, a look so fierce it might have reduced Tobias to ash if he were still within their range. 

But what concerned Ethan more was Lilac.

Even from across the ballroom, her pale face and the rigid line of her posture were enough to unsettle him. Her usual poise was gone, replaced by something unreadable—something deeply wrong. 

“Ethan?” a kind voice asked from somewhere to his right.

When he finally tore his eyes away from Lilac, he saw Naveen frowning at him. The older man, astute as ever, had a tendency to correctly gauge Ethan’s mood. 

“Is something the matter?”

But before Ethan could answer, a tall figure loomed nearby like a specter. 

“Good evening gentlemen,” Tobias Carrick greeted with a characteristic leer that made Ethan’s fists clench.

Naveen had the grace to return the greeting politely. Ethan, on the other hand, did not have a single ounce of forced pleasantness left and even if he did, Tobias Carrick would have been the last person to receive it. The cold reception only seemed to amuse Carrick, his amber eyes glimmering. 

“What a splendid evening,” Carrick commented, watching the dancefloor. His gaze slid back to Ethan, a smirk tugging at his lips. “And how lovely your fiancée looks tonight.”

All three men found Lilac across the room, standing tall and graceful, her gown catching the light as she spoke with the young woman next to her. Ethan’s eyes narrowed as he noticed how stiff her posture remained. The tension he could see pinching her shoulders even from this distance set his teeth on edge.

“I never quite had the chance to say congratulations on your engagement,” Carrick said, his tone smooth but with an undeniable undercurrent of malice. “Quite the catch, your fiancée. It’s rare to see someone of her... caliber with a man like you. She must have exceptional taste.”

“She does indeed,” Ethan replied at once, voice cool. “Which is why she saw right through you and chose a future with me instead.”

Naveen coughed into his drink, a poor attempt to hide his laughter. 

Carrick’s smirk faltered, just for a fraction of a second, but it was enough to tell Ethan that his words had hit the mark. The gleam in Carrick’s amber eyes dimmed slightly as he straightened, shifting his weight uncomfortably before forcing that smug expression back onto his face.

“Well,” Carrick drawled, his voice losing some of its previous smoothness, “not everyone can be so fortunate, I suppose.”

“Fortune had nothing to do with it,” Ethan replied, his tone sharp. “But then again, you wouldn’t understand what it’s like to be chosen by someone like her.”

Carrick’s jaw tightened, though his grin remained plastered on his face. “Enjoy the revelry of the evening,” he said, the malice creeping back into his voice. “You never know how long it shall last.”

Before Ethan could respond, Carrick tipped his head in a mockery of a polite farewell and disappeared into the crowd.

Naveen finally let out the laughter he had been holding in. “That was well played, Ethan,” he said, clapping him on the shoulder. “Though I must admit, Carrick’s presence alone is enough to sour anyone’s evening.”

Ethan grunted, his eyes still locked on Lilac across the room. “Something’s wrong,” he muttered. “I must speak to her.”

“Go to her,” Naveen urged softly. “Before someone else tries to ruin your night.”

Without wasting another second, Ethan moved through the crowd, his focus solely on Lilac. The noise of laughter, clinking glasses, and music became a distant hum as he closed the distance between them. Soon, the band would strike the first notes of the final song of the evening. Tradition dictated that even engaged couples were only allowed two dances together at such events, but tradition was the last thing on Ethan’s mind.

He needed to know what was troubling her.

As he approached, the petite young woman beside Lilac stiffened, clearly caught off guard by his sudden appearance. She quickly dipped into a curtsy, but the movement was rushed and awkward. She looked flustered, her cheeks flushing pink as she stole a glance at Lilac, perhaps uncertain of her place in the situation.

But Ethan hardly registered her discomfort. His eyes were solely on Lilac.

She was breathtaking, as always. The golden light of the chandeliers shimmered off her emerald gown, casting her in a warm glow. Her usual grace, however, was marred by the tension in her posture, and though she had laughed softly at whatever the young woman had said, it was a hollow sound—one that didn’t reach her eyes.

“May I have this dance, Miss Allende?”

Lilac’s face was a cold, expressionless mask. Her green eyes— usually bright and lively— fell down to his extended hand. She paused for just a moment, and in that heartbeat, Ethan’s pulse surged with anxious energy. Finally, she nodded, placing her hand in his, though the warmth that usually radiated from her touch was gone. Silently, he led her onto the floor, pulling her close as the music began.

They moved as one, as they always did, their steps perfectly synchronized, but the usual ease of their connection was gone. Couples moved gracefully around them, but to Ethan, it was just the two of them. Lilac, meanwhile, quietly glanced all around the room, pointedly avoiding his gaze and her silence— sharp as a blade— made his stomach twist. 

“Did Tobias upset you?” he finally asked, his voice low and careful.

Lilac didn’t answer. Instead, she continued to watch the dancing couples around them, her mouth pressed into a terse line. The deathly silence between them stretched on, making his heart pound in his chest.

Then, her green eyes finally met his, the hurt he found there striking him. Very softly, she asked, “Who is Harper Emery?”

Ethan’s heart stopped altogether.

The world around them seemed to blur as her question hung in the air. The melody of violins, the conversations and laughter, even Lilac’s barely controlled breathing— all of it faded into a sharp, agonizing ring in his ears. The lights dimmed in his mind, leaving only a sickening, suffocating sense of dread.

He didn’t answer—he couldn’t. 

Harper Emery.

The name hit him like a blow, one that reverberated through his entire body, dredging up memories he had spent years burying. And yet, despite all his efforts to keep them at bay, they rushed back now with cruel vividness, crashing into him like an unstoppable wave.

“Stop!”

A gunshot rang out in the dark, deafening and sharp, its echo still haunting him even now.

“Jonathan!”

The memory had haunted him for years, lurking in the darkest corners of his mind, never far from the surface. And now, just hearing her name had torn those memories free, forcing him to relive the horror all over again.

Ethan’s mind raced, scrambling for words, for any way to explain—to make Lilac understand—but nothing came. How could he possibly tell her about that night? How could he make her see that Harper wasn’t just a name from his past but a wound that had never fully healed?

His stunned silence was answer enough, however.

Lilac’s lips pressed into a tight line, her chest rising and falling more rapidly as her mind worked through the unspoken confirmation. Her cold, stoic expression betrayed the smallest glimpse of hurt, and his throat tightened in response. The weight of her unspoken pain pressed down on him, suffocating him with the thought that he might lose her.

The song ended, but before he could say anything, before he could even begin to explain, she slipped her hand from his and walked away. Without a word, she made her way out of the ballroom, disappearing down the corridor that led toward his study, the fabric of her dress catching the golden light much like it did all those months ago when he first saw her.

Ethan stood frozen for a moment, his hand still hovering in the air where hers had been. He had never been so unsure of what to do.

“Go to her,” Naveen’s kind voice said from behind him.

Ethan didn’t need to ask how his mentor knew. All he was certain of was that Naveen was right. He couldn’t let Lilac leave—not like this, not when she was the most important thing in his life. 

With long strides, he followed her, his heart pounding as he reached the study’s heavy doors. They were slightly ajar, and when he entered, he saw her standing across the room, gazing out, the silver glow of the night sky framing her in a halo of light. She looked as distant as the moon itself, and the sight of her standing there, with the weight of her hurt pressing down on her, tore at his chest.

“Lilac, please,” Ethan said quietly. “Let me explain.”

She turned to face him, and even from across the mahogany desk, he could see her green eyes shining with unshed tears. Despite her pain, she stood tall, her expression set in that fierce, stubborn way he knew all too well.

“Then explain, Ethan.”

Ethan opened his mouth, summoning the words he had been too afraid to say for years, but none came. Instead, the memories—those terrible, painful memories he had buried so deep—robbed him of his voice, of his composure. His hands trembled at his sides as images of Harper flooded his mind. The gunshot, the screaming, the blood.

Lilac waited in silence, her eyes locked on his. 

At last, he spoke, his voice low and rough with emotion. “Harper was never my fiancée.”

“Then who was she?”

Ethan took a deep breath, steadying himself as he walked further into the room, closing the door behind him.

“We were childhood friends. Our families… they were entwined long before Harper, her brother Jonathan, and I were born. My father and Mr. Emery were close, lifelong friends. They were business partners, confidants. Our futures seemed inexorably bound.”

Lilac said nothing, listening raptly to his every word.

“When our families saw how naturally Harper and I got along, the expectation followed. It was assumed—by everyone—that one day we would wed. Even I…” He paused, struggling to find the strength to confess. “Even I thought that perhaps one day I would make her my wife.”

Ethan took a deep breath, his gaze falling to the floor as he struggled with the weight of what he was about to reveal. Lilac’s eyes softened slightly, though the hurt still lingered beneath the surface as she absorbed his words.

“When Harper’s mother died, everything changed,” Ethan continued, his voice quieter now. “Mr. Emery… he descended into despair. He found solace in drink. It was not long before he gambled away half of his fortune. Cards, horse racing, any wager that could dull the pain. But as his losses mounted, so too did his temper. He… he took his anger out on Harper and Jonathan.”

Ethan paused, the bitter memories flashing through his mind. “Jonathan and I did what we could to protect her, but Harper… she bore the brunt of it. She resembled her mother so much, and it tormented him. Mr. Emery purged the house of all that reminded him of his wife—her belongings, her portraits… He pushed his children further away each day. He even forbade Harper and Jonathan from visiting her grave.”

Lilac’s eyes widened slightly at that, a flicker of empathy crossing her face.

“But Harper couldn’t stay away,” Ethan said softly. “Her mother had meant so much to her and losing her changed her, too. She would sneak out to visit her mother’s grave often. One day, I found her there, weeping. I didn’t know what else to do, so I held her… tried to comfort her.”

He hesitated, the next part of the memory too painful to express easily. “Mr. Emery and Jonathan found us there. Mr. Emery had been drinking—more than usual—and when he saw us, unchaperoned, with my arms around Harper… he lost it. He assumed the worst. He called her vile things, things I shall not repeat.” 

Lilac winced, and her expression softened further, the hurt fading as she listened to Ethan’s voice tremble with the memory.

“Jonathan tried to calm him down, but it only aggravated his father more. In the ensuing chaos, Mr. Emery drew a pistol. Jonathan and I both sought to disarm him, to protect Harper. But in the struggle…” Ethan’s voice broke as his eyes glossed over with emotion. “The gun discharged. Jonathan was struck.”

“Stop!” Harper’s anguished scream had rung out almost as loudly as the gunshot that followed.

 A tall figure—Jonathan—staggered, clutching his chest as his frame collapsed to the ground in a sickening heap.

Blood. So much blood. It spread quickly, staining the grass beneath them, pooling around Jonathan’s motionless body. 

“I ran to him, trying to help, but I knew nothing about medicine back then. I didn’t know what to do.” Ethan ran a shaky hand through his hair, his voice hoarse as he continued. “He died in my arms, Lilac.”

Ethan’s words broke until his throat closed altogether. 

“Ethan…” Lilac whispered, her voice no longer cold but filled with raw emotion.

“After that, Harper couldn’t look at me. She couldn’t bear to be near me.” His voice broke again. “It became unbearable to be in the place where I had shared so many happy memories with the Emery family. So I came to England with my father’s money, tried to disappear. I thought distance would help, that maybe I could outrun what had happened. And for a while, it worked. I buried myself in work, in studying, anything to keep my mind off what I had lost.”

He ran a hand through his hair, his brow furrowed as he recalled the early days of his career. “Here, I met Naveen. He became my mentor. Taught me everything I know about medicine, about saving lives. He… he saved me, in a way. Gave me purpose when I didn’t think I had one anymore.”

Lilac’s posture softened as she listened, uncrossing her arms. 

“I could not tell you, Lilac,” he said, letting out a shaky breath. His fingers clutched the edge of the desk as if it could anchor him to the moment. His eyes met Lilac’s for a moment, but he quickly looked away, unable to face the possibility of her seeing the full depth of his regret. “The things I have done… I knew you would never look at me the same if you knew.”

She moved around the desk, standing close to him, the warmth of her proximity a welcomed relief for him that he did not deserve. 

“Ethan, that is not—”

“I hurt people, Lilac. And I thought if I kept running, if I just kept working—distracted myself enough—I could leave it all behind. I thought I could become someone else, someone worthy of... this.” His eyes flicked briefly between them, finally falling on the ring he had placed on her finger merely weeks ago. 

Lilac opened her mouth to respond, but the door creaked open with a soft groan, and Mrs. Martinez appeared in the doorway. She took a step into the room, a brief, kind smile curling her lips, though Ethan couldn’t miss the heaviness in her gaze.

“Pardon the intrusion,” Mrs. Martinez said smoothly, her voice gentle as she looked at Lilac, “but Señor Allende is asking for you, my dear. He wishes to speak with you at once.”

The old woman’s words were polite, measured—but Ethan felt a shift in the air. The weight of her unspoken message pressed heavily on his chest. Somehow, he knew his secret had gotten out. Carrick’s parting words were proof enough.

“You never know how long it shall last.”

Ethan’s stomach twisted with unease, knowing what this meant. The whispers about Ethan’s past—about the things he’d done and tried to escape—had clearly reached Mr. Allende. And now, the man who held Lilac’s future in his hands was reconsidering his approval. 

Lilac met Ethan’s gaze briefly, and he could see his own dread reflected there. 

“Of course,” she murmured. “I shall attend him immediately.”

Mrs. Martinez nodded, her eyes lingering on Ethan for a fraction of a second before she left the room, the door closing softly behind her.

Ethan’s heart sank as silence filled the room once more. He could feel the walls closing in on him. He had known it was inevitable that someone would find out eventually, but hearing the weight of Mr. Allende’s disapproval—a father who had given Lilac the world—was something he couldn’t bear.

“I am sorry, Lilac,” Ethan whispered, his voice almost breaking. “I never wished to put you in this position. You deserve better than... this.”

Note: I swear this wasn't going to take a MONTH. But I hated the first draft I wrote so I had to start over. I was also stuck on a title. I finally settled on this one, inspired by a John Keats poem.

Hope you liked it!

Thank you so much to everyone who read "More Lovely and More Temperate"! And thank you so much if you read this, too!

[perriewinklenerdie]

*PTERODACTYL SCREECHING CONTINUES*

ETHAN BBY BOO DON’T LISTEN TO THIS (hot) ASSHOLE SPREADING facts RUMORS NOT YOUR FAULT HONEY (I think)

My queen Bree delivers as always and I find out a few days after she uploads (as always)

[jamespotterthefirst]

Call it What You Want (Ethan x f!MC)

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey and MC (Lilac Allende)

Word Count: 2.2K

Rating/Warning: T/ Some Language

Summary: After their kiss, they both agree to take a break enjoying the city of Miami. Set after the events of 1.10.

Note: Two things about me: I will always write about Miami and I am manifesting Reputation (TV)

A faint pink glow seeped through the drawn curtains that morning, indicating it was right before sunrise. Lilac rolled over on the mattress, groaning. Her head felt like lead as she struggled to find comfort on the fluffy hotel pillow. Her stiff muscles protested as she moved, a side effect of a long and restless night. She had lost track of the time when the rolling waves outside had finally lulled her to sleep. It couldn’t have been more than three hours ago.

Now, she lay awake in the rosy-hued and desolate hotel room. Try as she might, she couldn’t stop her gaze from wandering to the closed door. Every nerve in her body was too aware of the fact that just on the other side, Ethan lay on the living room’s couch, most likely awake too. 

Was he replaying their kiss from the previous night like she had been doing all night? Did his thoughts stray to the way their bodies fit so perfectly or to how their hearts shared the same frenetic beat? 

With a resigned sigh, Lilac decided to start her day. There was no use lying in that cold bed, thinking of the sting of Ethan’s rejection. Temples pulsing, she hastily got dressed and quietly padded to the common area. The couch where he had slept was empty, his blanket already neatly folded. Something akin to relief flooded her at the prospect of avoiding him altogether. 

The universe, however, had other plans. A few steps further and Lilac saw his tall frame by the kitchen counter. He was in the middle of pouring himself a cup of coffee when he froze, sensing her.

He turned to face her and their eyes met, paralyzing them both.

The silence stretched for so long that Lilac thought he would opt for not speaking to her. 

“Morning,” he said at last. 

His tone was imperceptible, but Lilac could see the remnants of tension in his expression. The bags under his eyes told her he didn’t sleep well either.

“Morning,” she replied, careful to keep her voice neutral. 

There was more loaded silence, neither of them sure how to be around each other. A strange instinct in her gut screamed at her to say something… or run away— either option would be preferable to this awful limbo they were stuck in. At long last, Ethan set his cup down and cleared his throat.

“Our flight isn’t until tomorrow morning. I was thinking of heading downstairs and attending a few seminars.”

Lilac paused, unsure how to reply. The professional thing to do was letting him go his own way. Hell, she would probably benefit from burying herself in work. But the thought of sitting in long presentations or wandering the show floor made her muscles heavy with dread. There was something stubborn and unresolved between them and she knew she would know no peace until she addressed it head on.

“Actually,” she said before she lost her resolve. “I was thinking of taking a break from the conference…”

Ethan said nothing, waiting for her to continue. Lilac, meanwhile, gestured toward the floor-to-ceiling window framing the stunning Miami skyline. As the sun rose, it cast the sky into a mosaic of orange, pink, and blue. In the silence, they could hear the faint sounds of the city slowly coming to life to greet the day.

“I’ve never been to Miami before and today’s weather is supposed to be nice. Enjoying the city sounds a lot more enticing than being indoors all day.”

Ethan nodded once but said nothing more.

Swallowing, Lilac mustered the last dregs of her bravery. “Want to come with?”

He paused at that.

“Do you think that’s a good idea given…”

More of that unbearable silence ensued after he trailed off.

“Given what happened last night?” she finished for him. 

Ethan’s face flushed with color and she would have found it adorable in any other situation. He remained stoic and silent nonetheless. 

Lilac sighed. “Look, you don’t have to join me if you don’t want to,” she began. “But if we’re going to forget what happened last night, avoiding each other is not going to help.”

“Forget?” he asked quietly. 

Their eyes met. His gaze pinned her in place, something intense swirling in their depths. Lilac looked away, unable to handle it.

“Move past it,” she amended. Then she rushed through—“We will still have to see each other everyday and for that to work, we need to learn how to be around one another again.”

Ethan nodded, considering her words.

“A reset,” he said.

Lilac shrugged. “If you want to call it that. I see it more as a break.”

He seemed on the verge of being convinced.

“When was the last time you took one of those?” 

“I admit it’s been a while.”

“Then let’s change that.”

They strolled the streets of the city, admiring the vibrant colors of Miami. Everywhere Lilac looked, the air bloomed with color— the iconic art deco buildings they passed, the array of fruits in vendor stalls at the outdoor market, the vibrant art murals of Wynwood Walls. The city came alive in blooms of pinks, yellows, and blue. The bustling streets moved to the sounds of traffic, mixed with the rhythmic music drifting from the outdoor cafes they passed— salsa, merengue, bachata. It was all too familiar to Lilac yet new at the same time. 

Ethan walked beside her, in complete silence at first. The vibrant promise that the city painted for them, however, eventually melted the tension between them. 

“We have to go to Racoon Island,” Lilac said hours into their tour. 

“No.”

“Come on! It’s an island full of racoons,” she insisted, turning her phone's screen for him to see the pictures.

“I gathered that,” Ethan said, unimpressed. “That is precisely why I want to stay as far away from it as possible.”

“You’re no fun,” she said with mock disappointment. In reality, Lilac didn’t care what they did next. She was just so relieved their dynamic felt almost back to normal. 

They walked for a few more minutes before neither of them could resist the enticing smell of Cuban coffee wafting from the cafes all around. Soon, they found themselves seated in the outdoor patio of Café del Sol, a lively place facing the oceanfront. As they waited for their server, Ethan looked out at the waves, a pensive expression on his face.

“Where did you go?” Lilac asked quietly.

Ethan glanced at her, offering her a soft smile.

“Just... thinking. It’s been a while since I took time to do something like this. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to just... be.”

Lilac nodded, feeling a sense of connection that was almost painful. Their daily lives demanded so much from them that it was easy to completely lose all sense of self in the job. She too had forgotten what it was like to just enjoy the present moment without constant movement. 

“It’s nice,” she agreed. “Just living in the moment.” 

Ethan mulled over her words carefully. She could practically see the gears of his mind working. Almost as if by instinct, she knew he was thinking about last night and the road that had led to their kiss— living in the moment, forgetting about rules or duty.

“I’m enjoying it,” he finally allowed. “But things are still complicated. You and I—”

There it was. 

“Please,” she said in an almost whisper. “I understand we need to be careful. And there’s a lot we need to figure out. But maybe … we don’t have to have all the answers yet.” She sighed. “Maybe just for today, we can just… exist.”

For the first time since last night, Ethan visibly relaxed. “I can do that.”

A woman in her mid-50s approached them with a warm smile. She had short, dark hair, a patterned apron tied neatly around her waist, and eyes that crinkled at the corners with the warmth of hospitality.

“Good morning,” she greeted in accented English, holding a small notepad in one hand. “What can I get for you two today? Café con leche, perhaps? Best in town.”

Lilac smiled politely. “Buenos días,” she replied, switching seamlessly into Spanish. “Sí, un café con leche suena perfecto. ¿Y también un cortadito para él?”

The woman’s eyes brightened immediately, a wide smile spreading across her face. “¡Ah! ¡Hablas español!” she exclaimed, clearly delighted. Her words flowed faster now, full of warmth and energy. “Qué bien, mi niña. Entonces, dos cafés, uno con leche y un cortadito para el caballero. ¿Algo más?”

Realizing just how hungry she was, Lilac ordered more food than the two could finish—tostones, ropa vieja, empanadas, croquetas, maduros. 

Ethan leaned back in his chair, watching the interaction with amusement.  When the woman left to put their order in, he said, “I didn’t know your Spanish was that good.”

Lilac gave him a teasing glance. “Really? I’ve helped patients in Spanish right in front of you.”

He tilted his head, his eyes narrowing slightly, as if searching his memory. “Yes, but… this is different,” he said, his voice softening. “You look happy. Relaxed. You look good.”

Lilac paused, the compliment catching her off guard. The weight of the last few days seemed to momentarily lift as she felt the warmth in his gaze. Despite her plea to just enjoy the moment, her foolish heart could not be dissuaded. Not when Ethan had a tendency to see her—truly see her.

An hour later, Ethan sat back in his chair, watching as Lilac playfully mocked his Spanish for the third time since their food arrived. He allowed himself a smile, the teasing, light banter a welcome change from the tension that had hovered between them. She was right, of course. Her Spanish was flawless, flowing effortlessly as she ordered from the café earlier, while his was more… functional. He could get by in medical settings, communicate well enough, but nowhere near her level of ease.

“I swear, it doesn’t get easier than café con leche,” Lilac teased, shaking her head, but there was nothing but warmth in her voice.

He chuckled. “You make it look easy, Rookie.”

Her laughter filled the space between them, and for a moment, it felt like everything had settled back to normal. They were just two colleagues, sharing a meal, enjoying a break from the usual demands of their field. But as he watched her smile and the way her green eyes sparkled when she was at ease, the weight of everything that had happened between them pressed down on his chest.

Last night. 

God, last night.

He had wanted her for longer than Ethan was willing to admit even to himself. Somewhere along the line, the beautiful, intelligent, and intriguing Lilac Allende had woven herself into the fabric of his every thought. To this day, Ethan still couldn’t pinpoint the moment everything changed. For so long, he had kept himself in check, keeping his distance, hiding behind his professionalism. And yet, all those efforts crumbled the moment they kissed. 

They finished their meal, the laughter and teasing slowly giving way to a comfortable silence. 

Eventually, they wandered toward the beach, too full and drowsy from their meal to make much conversation. Ethan found he enjoyed the easy silence as they walked barefoot down the soft sand, shoes in hand. The peace of the moment served as a balm, soothing the restless thoughts that had been gnawing at him all night. 

“Thanks for convincing me to go out,” Ethan finally said, breaking the silence. “We needed this… the break. Just… being.”

Lilac smiled, recognizing her words from earlier. “Yeah. I think we both did.”

For a while longer, they walked side by side, neither in a rush to leave the moment behind. But eventually, the weight of their restless night and the early morning flight that awaited them began to settle in. They turned back toward the hotel, the reality of their return looming closer with each step.

When they reached their hotel room door, Ethan paused. His hand hovered over the handle, his body still, as if frozen in place. He didn’t know why he stopped—he just knew that something inside him wasn’t ready to cross that threshold yet.

Lilac glanced at him, her brow furrowing slightly. “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t answer right away.

Ethan knew, the second they stepped through that door, this brief, blissful reprieve would be over. Their lives—complicated, professional, and full of boundaries—would unpause, and they’d go back to pretending nothing had happened between them.

Lilac seemed to understand, even without him saying it. 

“It’ll be okay,” she said so quietly that Ethan thought he had imagined the words. “It has to be.”

But as Ethan stood there, watching her green eyes read his face, the realization hit him hard. It was foolish to think they needed a reset, a way to move past that kiss, to put it behind them. No matter how many boundaries and defenses he put up, there was no going back to the way they had been. At least, not for Ethan. 

Stealing a day for themselves only strengthened the roots of Ethan’s admiration for her. Watching her today, seeing her so at ease, hearing her laugh, seeing her face lit up by the sun—it had only made him want her more.

More than he ever should.

And he knew that no matter how much they tried to pretend, no matter how hard he tried to pull away, he was far too gone now.

Note: I don't know what that was! I'm just getting myself back in the habit of writing. Thank you for joining me on this ride!

[perriewinklenerdie]

Girl HOW DID I MISS THAT

You are among a group of people that make me want to replay my beloved bullshit classic (don’t tempt me I just might), I missed my idiots and I missed your idiots. All the idiots. Just- idiots. Especially Ethan.

Thank you once again ma’am for continuing to provide me with the good stuff

(If rep tv has two clowns that manifest it we’re alive, if it has zero we both dead, Blondie ffs where is it, I heard ready for it yesterday and almost had a nervous breakdown spare some new music please-)

[jamespotterthefirst]

More Lovely and More Temperate (AU)

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Miss Lilac Allende)

Word count: 2.2K

Premise: The surly and reserved Dr. Ethan Ramsey is engaged to the spirited and determined Miss Lilac Allende. However, as they celebrate their love, unresolved ghosts from the past emerge, threatening to unravel their newfound happiness.

Series: AU, set in the 1800s. Continuation of She Walks In Beauty | A Red, Red Rose | How Do I Love Thee

Edenbrook had never looked quite so opulent, decorated from top to bottom with embellishments of crystal and gold. It was everything Ethan loathed. In fact, he carefully masked his disdain as he marched the familiar path toward his study, seeking a recess from the whirlwind of preparations. He reminded himself that enduring such a frivolous display was all worth it if it meant telling the whole world about his beloved.

The loud creak of the heavy, intricately-carved doors announced his arrival. From within his study, a figure clad in the most exquisite shade of forest green jumped with a start. There, by the grand windows, veiled in the golden glow of the sunset and looking even more radiant for it, was his fiancée. 

Lilac’s brief surprise turned into a coy smile when she realized it was him.

“Thank God it’s you,” she exhaled with palpable relief. “I thought it was my sister come to fuss about my hair again. She went on and on about how it was in dire need of pearls. I couldn’t stand it a minute longer! So I retreated here for a bit of peace.”

Ethan watched her from the doorway, momentarily transfixed. No matter how long he knew her, he always seemed quite perplexed that such a lovely creature existed, with those intelligent eyes set on him as though he was the sole object of her affection. The silent little smile she gifted him assured him that he was.

 Lilac sauntered over to him, as though the distance separating them was unbearable. The lush silk of her gown commanded his attention, swaying around her frame in ways that defied propriety. By the time his eyes reached the lovely ridge of her exposed collar bones, Ethan felt all his gentlemanly upbringing vanish in a flash. 

“Hello, my darling,” she murmured, walking into his awaiting arms. Her ungloved hands found the planes of his chest, burning pleasantly through the fabric of his coat. 

“You look—” she paused, her eyes studying him with torturous intnet. “—exceedingly handsome.”

A thrill scalded him at the unmistakable notes of desire in her voice. Breathless and entirely weakened by the familiar scent of her perfume, he leaned in and pressed a kiss on her exposed neck. Then, he moved to her ear to whisper—

“You look divine, my love.”

Lilac, unlike Ethan, did not miss a beat.

“I believe that's partly because of this corset,” she whispered in return, lips hovering over his jaw. “It works wonders, doesn't it?” 

As if to demonstrate this point, she took his hand and carefully guided it to the front of her gown. As his fingers skimmed the swell of her breasts, Ethan groaned, overcome with need. He kissed her quite fiercely. 

“It does make it quite difficult to breathe, though,” Lilac continued breathlessly between kisses. “You'll have to be a gentleman and peel it off of me at once.”

“A gentleman is the last thing I'll be.”

His voice was nothing short of a feral growl. Lilac responded in turn with a soft moan that reduced him to a savage. Before either of them knew it, Ethan had her pushed against the bookcase, intent on doing every scandalous thing she had been begging him to do to her for weeks. 

The sound of distant conversation from the hall brought this plan to an abrupt halt. With practiced ease, they separated, taking care to stand a respectable distance, even if Lilac's cheeks were far too flushed to ever convince anyone. 

Luckily, it was Mrs. Martinez who appeared at the door moments later. 

“There you two are!” She glanced between Ethan and Lilac, her knowing smile only growing by the second. “Lilac, my dear, you still need a chaperone, even if you are to be married soon. You can't be rid of me that easily.”

Lilac rolled her eyes, the gesture too loving to ever be mistaken for annoyance at the older woman. 

“Now, plaster on your best smile, Dr. Ramsey,” Mrs. Martinez continued. “Your guests are arriving.”

“Splendid,” he replied dryly. 

Lilac laughed, fixing him with a fond look. “Just think of me. Hopefully that summons a smile.”

Very gently, Ethan brought her hand to his lips. “There isn't a moment when you don't inhabit my thoughts.”

Levator labii superiosis. Masseter. Risorious. 

As the night progressed into a cacophony of lively conversation and music, the only activity that could assuage her nerves was privately naming the muscles of the face. Incidentally, they were the very same muscles that strained and ached as she forced polite smiles for the benefit of people she had barely seen in her life. Lilac was certain most of the present guests couldn't care less about her happiness with the infamous, taciturn Doctor Ramsey. Instead, they readily accepted the invitation to the engagement party as a pretense to closely inspect the poor woman doomed to spend her life with him. 

Depressor labii inferioris. Buccinator. Corrugator. 

Lilac recited the words like the names of old friends, effectively diverting her mind from the watchful eyes that scrutinized her every move. Without realizing it, her eyes scanned the crowd, easily finding the towering figure of her fiancé among a crowd of gentlemen. His carved jaw worked tightly as he pretended to listen, his handsome face a mask of impassiveness that barely disguised his disdain. When his eyes swiveled to meet hers, however, his expression softened. 

“Your hair is in dire need of pearls,” a voice said from behind her. “I am convinced that is the reason everyone here is staring at you so decidedly.”

The smirking face of her sister, Laurel, appeared before her. Though she was a few inches shorter than Lilac, the eldest Allende sister made up for it with character and snark. Her hair and eyes were darker, with high cheekbones and an elegant nose. In a peach satin gown, she ensnared the attention of many around her. 

Lilac scoffed. “I assure you, my hair is not what makes me an exciting topic of conversation.”

Laurel laughed, the sound unrestrained and just as beautiful as she was. “They're worse than a flock of uninhabited hens.”

“Ethan enjoys calling them a pack of rabid dogs.”

Her sister considered that, allowing an impressed nod. “I quite like that fiancé of yours.”

The sisters glanced at Doctor Ramsey in unison, watching the graceful movement of his mouth as he spoke to his mentor, Naveen Banerji. The latter said something amusing because Ethan allowed a small smile that transformed his features at once, melting the ice like the arrival of Spring. Laurel turned to Lilac with an approving nod.

“Very good choice, little sister. Very good choice indeed.”

Lilac opened her mouth to respond, but something—or rather someone— caught her eye from over Laurel's shoulder. The man, tall and handsome as ever, moved through the outskirts of the crowded ballroom with the grace and tact of a majestic creature, charming smile securely in place. Brilliant amber eyes that were alight with amusement met Lilac’s very briefly, before settling on Laurel. 

“You have an admirer.”

“Who?”

“Lord Carrick.”

Laurel let out a disapproving noise that would have been deemed unladylike by their mother. “The man who wanted to marry you?”

“The same.”

“His plan to court one sister failed so he hopes to court the other?” Laurel laughed as a thought struck her. “Or perhaps he knows I’m a widow and his intentions are wickeder—”

Laurel stopped abruptly, inspecting a scene unfolding by the pianoforte. “Papá is persuading our poor cousin Natalia to sing. You know how she dreads doing that. I must go.”

And without any further farewell, Laurel disappeared into the crowd. 

Lilac exhaled, searching the ballroom for her husband to be. She was determined to whisk him away to a desolate balcony and find comfort in his embrace. If Lilac had her way, which she easily did where Ethan was concerned, she could also find solace in his kiss. Her stomach felt weightless as she searched, every nerve ending buzzing with need. 

Before Lilac could make it very far, however, a young woman appeared before her, taking the place Laurel had just vacated. She was extraordinarily small, with a beautiful, delicate face that was rendered prettier still by her sunny disposition. Her black hair, inkier than any Lilac had ever seen before, was neatly plaited and pinned atop her head, with the exception of a thick, curled tendril resting over her shoulder. 

“You're Miss Lilac Allende,” she proclaimed, her ebullient smile growing wider. “Forgive me for not making your acquaintance appropriately. My father is acquainted with your fiancé and I hoped he would initiate an introduction. However, he has spent the whole night talking to his business partners with no end in sight. I simply could not wait any longer to meet you!” 

The girl spoke with so much glee that it was infectious. It was difficult to begrudge her anything, let alone a societal rule Lilac never understood in the first place. She did, however, feel quite embarrassed about not knowing the girl's name. 

“Pardon me,” the young girl said with a start, as though reading Lilac's mind. “Sienna Trinh, at your service.”

“It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.”

“Believe me, the pleasure is all mine!” Sienna studied Lilac's face before glancing around, as though to make sure they wouldn't be overheard. She lowered her voice regardless for good measure. “Forgive me for being so blunt but I've heard about your hobby.”

Lilac felt the color drain from her face. 

“My hobby?” 

“Medicine,” she added, her voice dropping even lower. 

Lilac's heart dropped to the bottom of her slippers. She hadn't been naive enough to believe she could keep her practices with Ethan a secret forever. The patients they treated were either trustworthy or under the impression Dr. Ramsey's apprentice was a boy named Liam. Still, it felt like a shock to learn word had gotten out. 

“My aunt was treated by you last month and my cousin realized you were not a boy. Please be assured your secret is safe with me.” Sienna added the last part quite urgently, as though willing Lilac to believe her. “Ever since I learned of your apprenticeship, I've wanted to meet you.”

“Are you in need of medical care, Miss Trinh?”

 “Not at all,” she clarified quickly. Then, she cast a nervous glance around to ensure their momentary privacy. “I, too, wish to study medicine.”

The words were whispered, lost in the din of music and conversation. 

“For my whole life, actually. As you know from experience, doing so was nearly impossible so I surrendered that dream. When I learned you're not only studying it but practicing it, I felt hopeful. You've inspired me, Miss Allende.”

The sparkle in Miss Trinh's eyes, in turn, granted Lilac inspiration of her own. Suddenly, she felt compelled to aid her in this ambition. 

“I can speak to my fiancé about assisting you. He's quite understanding—” 

But Sienna was already shaking her head quite vigorously. “Please, Miss Allende, do not think this confession comes with any expectation. I merely wished to meet you and inform you of how empowering you are. Not only for me! I've made the acquaintance of another extraordinary young woman who was also inspired by you. Jacqueline Varma—” 

Sienna's eyes swiveled to something over Lilac's shoulder and whatever she saw, made her words die at once. She paled, pressing her lips shut in an effort to appear casual. Before Lilac could ask, a new addition to their group made himself known. 

“Good evening,” Lord Carrick said with a bow. Both ladies curtsied in turn, Lilac rather begrudgingly. “You look radiant this evening, Miss Allende.”

“Thank you, my lord,” Lilac returned, thinking of how scandalized her mother would be if she was anything but polite to a baron. 

Sienna, sensing Lilac's dislike for the handsome devil before them, straightened her spine, as though standing guard. This, combined with Lilac's barely contained glare made the baron chuckle. The gesture ended in a charming smile that might have worked on anyone else. 

“Congratulations on your engagement,” he continued rather cheerfully. “I am pleased to see Doctor Ramsey engaged at last.”

Lilac nodded tursely, unwilling to say anything. Instead, she trained her eyes on the evening's guests, chatting and drinking around Edenbrook's grand ballroom. Lord Carrick let out another low chuckle, undeterred.

“Here's to hoping this engagement lasts,” he said, raising his glass of brandy up to the light. “Unlike the last time he was set to be married.”

Lilac looked at him then, unable to conceal her surprise. 

“He didn't tell you?” 

She said nothing, feeling the color drain from her face. Beside her, Sienna shifted closer to her, a fierce protector. Lord Carrick's eyes glinted in the golden light of the chandelier, poorly disguised glee glinting in their depths. 

“He was set to marry an old family friend when his family resided in Scotland. Miss Harper Emery was a brilliant, beautiful woman of high pedigree. Such a shame their marriage never came to pass.”

It was suddenly difficult to breathe as Lilac glanced around the room, searching for an escape. Her gaze fell on Ethan, silently willing him to look at her, to deny these claims. 

“Why did it end?” 

Her voice was strangled. 

“I shouldn't—” 

“What happened?”

“Miss Emery's brother was killed,” Lord Carrick said, shaking his head in a lament. “And I imagine Miss Emery couldn't bear to marry the man who pulled the trigger.”

Note: If you read this, then I dedicate this to you with all my heart.

Part 2 will be posted soon!

[perriewinklenerdie]

Miss MA’AM

MA’AM

I forgot how much I love this series this is my crack. I need next part like yesterday. I am *so* happy that you’re writing again, thank you kind ma’am for providing us with the good shit once again

[jamespotterthefirst]

Dress (Ethan x F!MC)

Book: Open Heart

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey and MC (Lilac Allende)

Word Count: 1.5K

Rating/Warning: T/ Some Language

Summary: Loosely based on the events in Book 1, Chapter 9. After dinner with her roommates, she runs into Dr. Ramsey at the bar.

Note: Because Ethan never saw my MC in that hot dress. Inspired by Dress by Taylor Swift. Longer note at the end (meep).

The dimly lit bar thrummed with excitement, the energy as palpable as the plethora of glasses leaving the bar. All around, overworked medical staff in various degrees of inebriation laughed and talked over the loud music, making the most of the rare moments of freedom at their disposal. It was undoubtedly karaoke night—and if the neon sign flashing from above the small stage didn’t clue him in, the awful singing, the ruckus laughter, and the smell of fried bar food definitely would. Still, the tension pinching Ethan’s muscles knew only one remedy.  

“Well, I’ll be damned,” Reggie exclaimed with exaggeration at the sight of Ethan. “Hell must’ve frozen over if you’re here for karaoke night. What song should I queue up for you?”

“Very funny,” Ethan replied dryly, taking his usual seat at the bar. “No song, but I will take the usual.”

The bartender laughed his characteristic guffaw, one that he reserved for whenever he taunted Ethan. “Must’ve been one hell of a day if you need a drink badly enough to put up with all this.”

He nodded toward the stage where a group of interns belted the notes of some 90s song Ethan couldn’t place. They huddled around one microphone, swaying under the effects of half-priced pitchers of the night. One of the interns broke off in laughter, signaling at someone in the crowd to join them. 

“Hell of a week,” Ethan began to reply, but his attention lingered on the group. 

The more he watched them, the more recognition dawned on him. The one grinning broadly at the center, shorter than the rest, was Sienna Trinh. Beside her, Elijah Greene rapped the verse of the song expertly. On his right was a tall, lanky intern Ethan could not name if his life depended on it. 

If they were here, then so must—

“Lilac!” Trinh hissed into the mic, beckoning wildly from stage. “Get up here, now!” 

Jeers erupted as the crowd parted, revealing a laughing Lilac Allende. She shook her head enigmatically, but Trinh refused to give up. At long last, a pair of strong arms engulfed Lilac and easily picked her up. That arrogant surgeon that strutted through the halls of the hospital carried her on stage. 

Ethan looked away, annoyed. Lucky for him, Reggie had long since placed the glass of amber liquid in front of him. He took a swig, refusing to give in to the urge of glancing her way. 

It was no use, though. 

The last few months had proven that Lilac Allende was impossible to ignore. She had confidently taken reign of his senses from the moment her green eyes met his. Defeated, he glanced at the stage. The stage lights had brightened, matching the rhythmic Spanish song blaring from the speakers. One glance at the screens surrounding the small room told him it was a song by Selena Quintanilla.

“Anything for Selenas!” Lahela screeched through cupped hands. 

Lilac, meanwhile, made no use of the screens with the flashing lyrics. She sang the words confidently into the microphone, swaying and dancing, letting the music take over. Each sway of her hips commanded the space around her, all but hypnotizing anyone who watched. She was aware of how badly her voice sounded as she tried to hit the high notes, but the peal of laughter that rang out made Ethan’s chest feel weightless. 

At last, during a pause in the song, she shrugged off her long coat to the wild cheers of the crowd. 

“Get it, bitch!” Sienna cheered as she caught Lilac’s discarded coat. 

There was nothing particularly special about the dress Lilac wore. It was a shade of dark green Ethan could not specifically name if pressed. It could have even been modest or plain on anyone else, with long sleeves and a skirt that reached the floor. But on Lilac Allende the dress was nothing short of sinful. It caught the light as she danced and swayed to the music, captivating many in the room. The fabric hugged every curve and dip, flowing in a tantalizing rhythm as she danced. 

Ethan watched, clinging to his glass with unnecessary force. 

For one wild moment, he allowed himself to fantasize what it would be like to run his fingers along the leg slit. His lips would find her exposed shoulder, moving up her neck, and whispering in her ear, “Let’s get out of here.”

The song ended with a roar of applause. 

As though sensing his gaze on her, her green eyes found his from across the room, paralyzing him. 

Piercing blue eyes pinned her in place, making her body hum more than cheap alcohol ever could. Ethan Ramsey was watching her from his usual place at the bar, his expression unreadable but intense. Every instinct told her to stay away from him, her senses recognizing what grew heavy between them with each passing day.

Before she could think better of it, Lilac hopped off the stage and made her way to the bar, giving her friends some pretense about needing a drink badly. As she approached, Ethan’s posture stiffened, his attention on his glass of scotch. Though he stared at the amber liquid intently, it was nothing compared to the way he had watched her from across the room. 

“Didn’t expect to see you here, Doctor Ramsey,” she said by way of greeting. “It’s karaoke night.”

He looked up at last, though his posture still appeared tense. Lilac noticed his fingers flexed around his glass. 

“I’m aware,” he responded. “It looked like you were having fun.”

Lilac gave him a little shrug, sliding onto the barstool next to him. “Just blowing off some steam after a difficult day.”

Ethan’s shoulders stiffened slightly. She knew he was thinking about their earlier conversation regarding Mr. Platt. He opened his mouth, impassioned, as though ready to go toe-to-toe with her like before. Then, he seemed to think better of it. 

“Did you figure it out yet?” he asked instead. 

“Why you assigned him to me? No.”

“His diagnosis, Rookie.”

“Also no. That’s eluding me as much as your reasoning behind this.” 

She knew he was pushing him a little too hard. He could very well angrily shut down like he had done earlier, leaving her even more irritated and confused. Instead, he set his glass down on the bar top, sighing heavily. 

“I thought you could handle it.”

The inadequacy of this response made Lilac’s annoyance flare up.

“I must’ve miscalculated,” he added. 

“I can handle anything you give me,” she returned scathingly. 

“Surely not if this simple assignment is throwing you off.” “It’s not the assignment or the patient. It’s the reason why you did it.”

“The reason is simple. I'm your mentor. It's my job to push you.”

The busy bar around them continued to buzz with excitement. No one around them paid them any mind, and if they did, the look on Ethan's face alone was enough to make anyone glance anywhere else. Lilac, however, was not afraid of the icy glare fixed on her. Instead, she straightened her spine, her body imperceptibly closer to his. 

“I don't believe you,” she informed him. 

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You're not letting this go, are you?” 

“You already know the answer to that, Dr. Ramsey.”

Lilac watched him take a long swig of his drink. Truth be told, she was shocked he was still sitting there, humoring her. Any other time, he would have stormed off. 

Tonight was different. 

“If you're so sure there's some grand explanation, then enlighten me, Rookie.”

Lately, everything was different with him, as though the Earth shifted on its axis without their knowledge, leaving them swaying for balance. 

“I think…” she said, her voice quiet. She trailed off, entranced by his blue eyes on hers. Without her knowledge, she had leaned closer to him, their arms and thighs so close that she could feel the warmth of his body. For a breath, she allowed herself to imagine what that warmth would feel like pressed against her body, roaming every inch of her… The warmth of his hands on her skin, as he tugged her dress, pulled it, ripped it...

“I think…” she tried again, willing herself out of her haze. 

“Yes?” 

“You're deflecting.”

Ethan reeled back. “Deflecting? Deflecting what exactly?” 

How did she explain that she burned for him and a part of her believed he longed for her too? She couldn't bring herself to explain her deluded reasoning: that he wanted her just as badly as she wanted him. That there was something tangible between them that neither of them could ignore. That the reason Ethan assigned her an impossible patient was to prove that he didn't feel the same as Lilac— that she was just another intern. Saying the words out loud felt like giving up too much of herself. 

“There you are, Lilac!” Trinh exclaimed as she appeared by her side. “We need you. Landry and Elijah want to sing ‘Non-Stop’ but I have to sing ‘My Shot’. I have to or I will cry.”

Sienna's eyes fell on Ethan and she froze. “Sorry—Am I interrupting?” 

“Not at all,” Lilac assured her, hopping off the barstool. “Dr. Ramsey and I were done talking.” 

Ethan, on the other hand, looked as though he wanted to reach out to stop her. Lilac's body thrilled at the thought. 

“Enjoy your night, Dr. Ramsey.” 

“You, too, Dr. Allende.” 

Note: Hi. Hello. It's me. I'm the absolute problem, it's me.

There's so much to say. I always forget everything I want to say when I type these.

First, if anyone is still out there, and read this-- Thank you!

Second, to everyone reading and liking my old work while I was away, also thank you! You made my day when I would log on and see!

Third, I am working on a huge Open Heart project. As I re-read ch. 9 inspiration struck. Writing after all this time felt like rusty gears slowly starting to turn. It felt good, though. I hope I can do more of it!

I will definitely post old fics I wrote once upon a time but never posted.

Love you all. Missed you!

-Bree

[perriewinklenerdie]

*dinasour screeching in the background*

What do you MEAN I get back onto the hellsite and get treated right away? And with a masterpiece like that? Who do you work for-

Queen queening as always, Ethan x MC is so TSwift coded that a combo like that is always a pleasure (plus its rep. We love rep in this house, where the hell is rep tv, Taytay)

Sienna’s „Get it, Bitch” is a mood and a half, we love supporting besties

Thank you ma’am for gracing my screen once again, live laugh stan Bree ✨🩷🔥

[jamespotterthefirst]

You & I (3/3)

Book: Open Heart, beyond Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Lilac Allende-Ramsey) Word count: 1.7K Rating/ Warning: Teen/ Language

Series: You & I | Part 1 | Part 2

Premise: Her husband’s colleague seems a bit too interested in him. Things take a turn for the worse when she finds her in his hotel room during a work trip.

Note: Thank you so much to everyone who read and supported Part 1 & 2! This is based on a really old anon who asked: “has anyone every come between Ethan and Lilac?”

Keep reading

[perriewinklenerdie]

🎶I came as soon as I heard (whaaaat?)🎶

(Literally dropped everything I was doing and sprinted here to read this)

What a dumb bitch. Words can’t even express how stupid that was of her. Embarrassing, really 🤦🏼‍♀️

Let it also be known that I WHEEZED when Laurel went for the wig. As she should, 10/10, you’re doing great sweetie

I love to see my babies having eyes only for each other ❤️

QUEEN SHIT RIGHT THERE AND EVERYWHERE, BREE 👑

[jamespotterthefirst]

You & I (2/3)

Book: Open Heart, beyond

Pairing: Dr. Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Dr. Lilac Allende-Ramsey)

Word count: 1.3K

Rating/ Warning: Teen/ Language

Series: You & I | Part 1

Premise: Her husband’s colleague seems a bit too interested in him. Dread sets in when they have to go on a work trip together. Determined to fix things, Lilac decides to surprise him in New York. 

Note: Thank you so much to everyone who read and supported Part 1! This is based on a really old anon who asked: “has anyone every come between Ethan and Lilac?”

Czytaj dalej

[perriewinklenerdie]

Coming out of my little hole to say

what

a

BITCH.

Excuse me? The audacity of that woman. My blood is boiling, Ethan has some explaining to do.

Anyway, as always, you dropped it, Queen 👑❤️

[morgeysplace]

Voice actor appearances in latest The Last of Us episode!

Ashley Johnson

Laura Bailey

Pallet

[dreametheworld]

[yelena-bellova-deactivated20241]

Twenty Years Later: Joel Miller x F!Reader - Chapter Twelve

Chapter Twelve: As We Were, As We Are

Plot: Y/n and Joel work to avoid each other in Jackson, until they’re forced together in their most vulnerable state.

Word Count: 13.9k (longest chapter yet)

Warnings: tlou ep.6 spoilers, canon-typical violence, implied smut, suggestive dialogue, blood, guns/knives, wounds, language, ptsd, anxiety, death of a child, (16+)

A/N: Oh, boy…this is the chapter it’s all been leading up to. Every question will be answered. This is the first part of the series I’ve been genuinely nervous to release because it’s so important, and I hope it lives up to all your expectations.

As always, this series is 16+ and I will not be adding anyone to the taglist unless your age/range is specified in your bio. Gotta look out for younger eyes 👀

I hope y’all enjoy this one, I definitely had the most fun writing it ❤️

—————

December, 2023. Jackson, Wyoming.

For as small of a place as the Jackson commune was, it was very easy for Joel and Y/n to avoid each other.

Soon after she returned from the bar with Tommy, Maria announced that it was the town’s movie night and she was going to take Ellie. While Y/n would have rather stayed at the house and hid herself away, she knew the best place to hide from Joel was anywhere a crowd was present.

Inside the mess hall, they’d organized the benches to create rows of seats for the kids. Ellie was seated in the middle, looking back every once in a while to Y/n, who was stood with Maria and Tommy.

After their conversation, Tommy hadn’t pressed Y/n anymore on the subject of Joel. He had observed them from the night they’d met to the minute he’d left the triage clinic. With his bird’s-eye-view of their relationship, he could tell that the torch they’d carried for one another burned still, purely from the passion in their voices when they spoke about each other. The way their eyes came alive when the other’s name was mentioned.

Y/n had allowed herself to switch off, mindlessly watching the movie. The overwhelming rush of emotions she’d felt from both the domestic beauty of Jackson and the reminder that she could never have it had exhausted her. When Ellie would look back, needing reassurance she was still there, all Y/n felt capable of was a tiny nod. There was nothing left in her to give.

At some point during the film, Tommy reached over to tap Y/n on the shoulder and nodded towards the door. With him being the only person she fully trusted, she followed him out without question.

They walked through the light snowfall in silence, Y/n was under the impression he was trying to get her some fresh air. Even the snowflakes, in all their puritan beauty, couldn’t lift her mood. They just felt cold and annoying on her face.

Tommy guided them back to his and Maria’s house, unlocking the door. “WaIt here a minute.”

Y/n nodded, if it were possible, she never wanted to step foot in the house again.

Tommy disappeared for thirty seconds before emerging with a pair of winter boots in hand. Y/n was beginning to grow curious, but not enough to break her vow of silence.

They resumed their path down the middle of town, the lights strung from rooftop to rooftop combined with the decorated pine tree gave it a true Christmas feel. Tommy led them towards a building Y/n had yet to go into, a cobbler’s workshop.

“You pulled me out to help fix your boots?” Y/n asked as they climbed the steps.

Tommy didn’t answer, only opening the door and gesturing for her to enter. Y/n walked in, her eyes trailing the walls before they fell on the center of the room.

Where Joel was sat.

Joel had done a stellar job of not just avoiding Y/n, but his brother, Maria and Ellie. After his last episode, he hadn’t wanted to be around anyone. His busted boot had brought him to the workshop, he’d been pulling at the sole for nearly thirty minutes with no success. With each fruitless tug, his frustrations grew, and so did his tears. It was the meaningless failures in life that brought the deepest ones to the surface.

Y/n and Joel’s eyes met across the room, realization hitting Y/n as to why Tommy had brought her out. She turned to glare at him, seeing no remorse at all on his face.

“The guys said I might find you here,” Tommy said, brushing past Y/n to Joel and handing him the pair of boots, “Figured I’d save you the trouble.”

Y/n ran her palm across her forehead in both frustration and anxiety, turning on her heel and reaching for the doorknob.

“Hang on,” Tommy called, stopping her from moving any further, “Before you storm out of here…” he looked to Joel, “I shouldn’t have said what I said. I don’t even believe it…I know you’re happy for me, it’s just…complicated for you. And I’m sorry.”

Tommy turned his gaze to Y/n, “And you. I wasn’t tryin’ to hurt you, back at the bar, and bringin’ all that up wasn’t my best move.”

Y/n’s hand hovered over the knob, debating whether to run or stay. She didn’t have an explanation for the pull to remain, considering Joel was ten feet away from her, but she listened to it.

Joel didn’t have to question what ‘all that’ Tommy was referring to. If he’d brought it up to him him, he’d surely have brought it up with Y/n. Just knowing they’d talked about it hurt.

“So are you two gonna let me off the hook, or what?” Tommy asked, smiling the same way he had each time Y/n or Joel had bailed him out of jail.

Joel wished with everything in him that Y/n wasn’t in the room. Not with what he was about to say.

“This ride to the university…” he began, “Is it a suicide mission?”

Tommy’s brows lowered, “No. It’s dangerous, but it’s nothin’ you can’t handle. Just prepare and do what you do.”

“You’ve had people go that way and come back?” Joel continued.

“All of ‘em,” Tommy answered, “What is this?”

Joel couldn’t find it in himself to meet Y/n’s eyes. He felt the absence of her gaze, but his drifted in her direction, landing near her boots.

“She’s immune.”

Y/n instinctively tensed up, the two words they’d all swore not to speak suddenly hanging in the air.

“What?” Tommy said in shock.

“Ellie,” Joel replied, “She got infected but she didn’t get sick.”

Tommy flinched, naturally, making Y/n slide her body in front of the door.

“It’s true,” she said, “Fireflies found her up in Boston, she’d just been bit. We brought her in, quarantined her, tested her…” Y/n couldn’t bring herself to look at Joel, only at the floor under his feet, “Then it happened again. I saw it with my own two eyes…that was three months ago.”

A beat of silence added to the tension of the moment.

“She’s immune,” Joel pushed, his voice low and pleading.

Tommy looked between his brother and his almost-sister-in-law, thinking about the stark contrast between the last time it had been the three of them. He crossed the room, reluctantly coming to sit across from Joel.

Y/n, with her hands at her side and her eyes looking anywhere but at Joel, moved to where Tommy had been standing. It was too late to leave now…

“From the beginning,” Tommy requested of them both.

For reasons she couldn’t understand, Y/n’s eyes began to water before Joel even started to speak.

“It was Marlene,” he explained, “She hired us to smuggle her to some Fireflies. It went bad. Tess got bit. She made me swear to take the kid. It was her dyin’ wish,” Joel’s voice wavered slightly, “What the hell was I supposed to do?”

Y/n sunk her teeth down into her bottom lip, that hadn’t been Tess’ final request.

“We made it as far as K.C and then…”

Joel paused, the memories of Kansas City were ones he tried not to look back on, for so many reasons.

“You know, she saved my life there,” he continued, “From another kid.” He intentionally left Y/n out of the story, just addressing the memory of her almost dying overwhelmed him.

“Five years ago, I would have destroyed him,” Joel went on, “But she had to shoot him to save me. 14 years old. Because I was too slow and too fuckin’ deaf to hear him comin’.”

Y/n looked down at the worktable below her, her eyes misting over. It was so easy for Joel to pretend like she hadn’t been there, it almost hurt.

“And I saw…” Joel paused, Henry’s two fatal bullets ringing in his good ear, “I saw a man kill his own brother, to save her, while I just watched.”

Curling her fist against the table, Y/n bit down on her lip until she tasted blood.

“And today, I thought that dog was gonna tear her apart because it smelled somethin’ on her. And all I did was stand there,” Joel’s pace had quickened, “I couldn’t…move. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I just…”

Joel, in that moment, wished for a thousand miles of space between him and Y/n. He wished she remained in Jackson and he was back in Boston.

“I was so afraid,” his voice finally cracked.

Two silent tears danced down Y/n’s cheeks like a sprinkle of rain before a thunderstorm.

“You think I can still handle these things, but…” Joel’s voice regained its strength as he watched Tommy take in what he said, “I’m not who I was. I’m weak.”

With all the force inside her, Y/n still couldn’t bear to look at Joel. She couldn’t handle watching him fall apart.

“Lately, there are these moments where the fear comes up outta nowhere and…” Joel took a quivering breath, well aware he was addressing two people, “My heart…feels like it’s stopped.”

The long overdue explanation didn’t feel like a victory to Y/n, it felt hollow. It was coming at the expense of so much.

“And I have dreams,” Joel went on, “Every night.”

“What kinda dreams?” Tommy asked, it was the first time he’d dared to speak.

“I don’t know,” Joel’s tone became breathless with emotion, “I just know that when I wake up…”

Joel paused, trying to gather the strength he’d lacked twenty years ago.

“I’ve lost something.”

There was no longer any story to tell.

This was Joel’s admission of guilt.

“I’m failin’ in my sleep,” Joel cried, “That’s all I do.”

A river now streamed down Y/n’s face, they were addressing all that had happened between them without actually talking about it.

“It’s all I’ve ever done,” Joel whimpered, the faces of the three most important women in his life flashing through his mind, “Is fail her.”

Y/n’s cheeks were red from holding in her screaming sobs.

“Again and again…” Joel trailed off, feeling the weight of Y/n’s pain without seeing it.

“You want me to take her,” Tommy stated, he knew what was coming before they got there.

Y/n’s eyes finally found the courage to fly to Joel, her lips parting in shock.

“I’m just gonna get her killed,” Joel trembled, the fears he’d had to live with the last three months were beating him into cowering, “I know it. I know it.”

Of all the things he’d said concerning the piece of his heart standing across from him, none had hurt Joel as much as the one floating on his tongue, clutching to his throat…begging not to be released.

“I have to leave her.”

In that moment, Y/n was no longer in the shop. She wasn’t in Jackson. Her knees were sitting in dirt, wind whipping at her shirt, her screams echoing off the triage clinic walls…Joel was abandoning her all over again.

She must have gasped or sniffled, because Tommy turned around to look at her. Joel’s tearful gaze finally came up to meet hers, her heartbroken stare piercing his chest. He knew exactly what he was doing to her, the anger that had died out three months ago filling her eyes once again. Except this time, there was so much sadness behind it, Joel’s tears started up again.

Y/n couldn’t stand to hear another word, her own opinion not mattering in the already-made decision. Desperate for Joel not to witness another one of her tears, she went straight for the door, throwing it open and letting it swing shut behind her.

Her mouth hung open, trying to force the winter air in and out her lungs as her head spun. He was doing it, he was leaving her as if she hadn’t ever meant anything to him.

A crunch of snow under another pair of footprints drew her attention to her left. Ellie was moving so fast away from the door, Y/n barely recognized it as her.

“Ellie,” Y/n called, the girl was marching back through town, “Ellie!”

“So he’s just gonna leave us here?” Ellie asked, her voice raised to compensate for the distance between them.

Y/n couldn’t form an answer, she couldn’t defend Joel’s actions.

“You have to talk him out of it,” Ellie said, bitterness seeping into her tone.

“I can’t,” Y/n said, letting the cold freeze what was left of her tears.

“Yes, you can,” Ellie was sounding more and more like the child she should have been, on the verge of losing something important to her.

“Ellie, I can’t,” Y/n practically shouted, the girl was too fast for her, “I can’t make him do anything, you know that.”

Ellie spun around, her face red from the cold air and her anger. “You have to,” she yelled, “He can’t…” her voice nearly caught, “He can’t fucking do that to us.”

Y/n had concealed so much of her history from Ellie, it wasn’t anything she needed to know. The girl looked at Joel like he was everything, she couldn’t shatter the illusion.

With nothing but tears to give as a reply, Y/n watched Ellie storm back off through the snow. She waited, giving the girl a wide berth before heading in the same direction.

When they got inside, Ellie stomped up the stairs, leaving Y/n standing aimlessly in the middle of the living room. She felt so small, so fragile, it was a vulnerability she hadn’t felt in twenty years that only came with someone owning a part of your heart. It was permission she hadn’t realized she’d given to Joel to break her all over again.

Somehow, quite blearily, Y/n made it up the stairs. She stood in the hallway, her eyes drifting between doors. Two options lay in front of her. She could a) knock on Ellie’s door and try to console her or b) go into her room and sleep off the pain till morning.

Despite the twenty years of independence she’d had, Y/n had never felt like she had full autonomy. She was owned by her past, haunted by the choices that she’d been forced to make and the ones that had been made for her. There was a piece of her mind beating her into submission, counting on the trauma to make her cower from facing the truth.

There was a third option, and she strode towards it without hesitation.

—————————

“You’re right. You’re not my daughter, and I sure as hell ain’t your dad.”

The words struck Ellie like a blow to the chest.

“Now, come dawn,” Joel finished, “We’re goin’ our separate ways.”

He left her there, knowing there were tears pooling in her eyes, knowing she felt abandoned. He knew all of it, and he still slammed the door shut. He was the only one who could see that it truly was the only option where she kept her life.

Joel glanced down the hall, spotting the bathroom, a closet and a closed door, no doubt a bedroom. He didn’t dare go near it, he couldn’t face the demons that lay behind it. Instead, he made his way to the bedroom at the end of the hallway, nudging the door open…

Y/n was sitting on the bed.

Joel froze.

Her elbows rested on her knees, her hands were clasped together. She stared ahead at the carpet, her stare boring into the beige threads with a fire that was intended for the man standing across from her.

Joel had been running from her all day, it seemed like they both had. If Y/n had thought this was her room and had been caught off guard, she’d have jumped, rushing to leave or forcing Joel out. Her stillness told him that this was intentional.

“I want the truth,” Y/n was the first of them to speak, “About that day.”

Joel had made one of the biggest choices in her life for her and it had ruined the last twenty years. If this was the last time she would ever see him, she was taking what she wanted before leaving.

“I need to hear it,” she continued, her voice thick from crying. She finally dragged her gaze up to him, shooting daggers, “I need to hear you say it.”

Joel’s muscles had locked up, every inch of him suddenly running painfully cold. There was no escaping what she wanted to hear, nor did he have to strength to keep it buried any more. The words lay trapped in his chest, rotting between his lungs.

Joel reached behind him and shut the door, not wanting Ellie to hear what was surely to come. He walked towards the bed hesitantly, the first step sending Y/n across the room. Distance was necessary for such an intimate conversation.

Y/n watched him walk, his posture was more drooped than usual. She’d heard Ellie yelling through the walls, no doubt reading him the riot act for his plans. And whatever Joel had responded with was, undoubtably, worse.

Joel took Y/n’s spot on the edge of the bed, sighing to himself and trying gathering his mind. Were they really doing this?

He paused a good long while before beginning his confession.

“After it…” Joel paused, unable to call on the tragedy by name, “After it happened, I couldn’t…see. I-I couldn’t…breathe. Nothin’ made sense any more,” Joel’s eyes were brave enough to look up at Y/n, “Nothin’.”

Y/n kept her arms crossed over her chest, protecting herself the last way she knew how from the ghosts of the past.

Joel clasped his hands in his lap, as if to pray for forgiveness that wasn’t his to have. There was nothing that could soften the blow he was about to strike.

“Somehow, in my mind, when you told me…” Joel referred to another nameless point in time, “What you told me…I knew it was true.”

There it was.

“You’d never lied to me before,” Joel admitted, tears threatening to reveal all his cards, “You wouldn’t’ve chosen then to start.”

He’d known. He’d known the whole time. And he’d still tried to make her feel like a liar.

“I wasn’t thinkin’ straight,” Joel struggled, his chest trembling as he tried to hold himself still, “The pain was just…I couldn’t handle it.”

With Ellie in the room over, Y/n bit down on her lip to stop whatever violent reaction threatened to escape her mouth.

“So instead, you decided to blow up my life,” she said, nodding.

Joel felt breathless, staring into the same weeping eyes he had twenty years ago, watching her fall apart. Except this time, it was controlled. She wouldn’t let herself break until he broke first.

Y/n couldn’t hold back the river in her eyes any longer, the festering resentment building in her like a hurricane.

“Do you have any idea what I went through after you left?!”

The force of her voice startled Joel, but he didn’t flinch. He deserved every bit of her hate, and he would take it all.

Y/n took a rattling breath, the volume of her tone dropping to a hiss, “Do you have any idea what I had to do?”

—————————

October 1st, 2003. St. Louis, Missouri.

By some miracle, Y/n made it home.

After Joel had abandoned her and she’d cried herself nearly into dehydration, she stood up, brushed the dirt off her knees…and walked away. Her apartment complex was near the clinic and she’d snuck back without coming across any army or Infected.

She promptly packed up her backpack, shoving as many dry goods in as she could. She filled water bottles, rolled a change of clothes, a flashlight, a blanket, and a hammer. She didn’t have any intention of hurting anyone, but she was going to be prepared.

The problem was that her car was parked at Joel’s house.

Unhappily, Y/n had snuck into the neighborhood through the trees, the army was still stationed on the highway directly in front of the entrance. When she arrived, cutting through the shared lawn between the Millers and the Adlers, she kept her eyes down. She didn’t think she could handle the sight. She climbed into her car, which was blissfully still there, and started it up.

It took everything in her not to look up at the house, or go inside to say a goodbye.

To avoid the army, she drove her car through the space between the houses, cutting back through the forest and getting onto a side. She couldn’t save Sarah, Joel had left her for dead, but she was determined to find her family.

It had taken a full day of driving, carefully avoiding the army’s various stations, and when her car had run out of gas, two days on foot. But she’d made it, alive and as well as she could be.

Y/n’s parents owned a plot of land that they’d built her childhood home on. The nearest neighbor was a mile away, giving them a decent chance at survival by isolation. Her sister lived five miles away, her brother twenty minutes, but she knew they’d huddle together in such an emergency.

When her weak limbs and weary eyes reached the property, she huffed a tearful breath. The world may have been falling apart around her, but she was home. The sight gave her a new boost of energy and she quickened her steps across the grass.

“Mom,” she called the closer she got, “Dad!”

Y/n hurried up the front porch steps, finding the door slightly ajar. There had never been a moment in their house where the door hadn’t been locked. Her hand hesitated over the knob, afraid of what she might find.

She didn’t really have a choice.

Y/n cautiously stepped inside, “Mom! Dad!”

Her voice bounced off the hallway, echoing into the house. There was no answer.

“Annie,” she called for her sister, then her brother, “Jason!”

She walked down the hallway, finding the tables and knicknacks that decorated it to be as meticulously straightened as ever. It all looked normal.

“Guys,” Y/n shouted, growing more anxious, “It’s me!”

Through the hall was the kitchen, the counters were covered in dry good wrappers and bags. Clearly they were here, the power had been cut and that would have been their only option for food.

Y/n’s breaths grew quicker, “Guys!”

There was a clatter from upstairs, Y/n spun around to face the staircase. Her worst fear was that someone had broken in, killed her family and was stealing any valuables they could. It was a miracle her apartment had been intact.

Another large thud, followed by a low growl.

She wasn’t even thinking about the other possibility.

A humanistic screech sounded through the house before a blurry body threw itself down the stairs, launching itself towards Y/n.

It was her father.

“Dad!”

As her father’s hand swung at her, she swerved out of the way, the rush of air brushing her face. She stumbled backwards into the living room, blidnly reaching for the edges of furniture to topple in her dad’s path. Undeterred, growling and snarling at his own daughter, he climbed over them effortlessly.

“Dad,” Y/n yelled with tears in her eyes, “Daddy, stop! It’s me!

A snarl and another swipe was all she received.

Until the second growl came.

From the other side of the stairs, Y/n’s mother emerged with the same possessed look in her eye as her husband.

“Mama,” Y/n cried, “It’s me! Stop!”

Her mother ran down the hall, her steps wide and clunky. Y/n’s father was heading towards her too, his movements slower than his wife’s.

There was no time to think her decision over.

Y/n reached for her grandmother’s vase, sitting on the end table by the front door and swung it around, smashing it into her mother’s head.

Her mother let out a scream, one of anger rather than pain, and stumbled back a few steps. Y/n shoved the end table at her father, ramming it into his stomach and causing him to drop to the floor. It gave her time to cut across into the home office, sliding under her mother’s arm as it reached for her.

“Mama,” Y/n cried, her tears were long past restraint, “Mama, it’s me…please.”

Her mother stalked forward, too far gone to recognize her daughter.

“Mama,” Y/n pleaded, “Please don’t!”

Y/n was out of time and out of options.

It was either take action or become one of them.

Y/n yanked the hammer out of the open slit in her backpack and slammed it into the side of her mother’s head.

The woman dropped the floor.

Y/n could barely register what she’d done before her father’s growls neared. She looked up to see him, quickly encroaching on her. She waited until her was close enough before jumping to the side, letting him slam into his bookcase and bludgeoning him with the hammer.

Y/n bolted out the glass doors, sprinting towards the stairs and screaming for her siblings, “Jason! Annie!”

More growling came from one of their childhood bedrooms.

Acting purely on adrenaline, Y/n bolted in the opposite direction of the sound, heading for the master bedroom. She ran for the closet, clearing the top shelf of her father’s side to reach his fireproof safe. Her fingers trembled as she punched in the code, the growling getting closer to the room.

The safe door opened, offering her her father’s hand gun as a blood soaked salvation.

A sickeningly shriek filled the bedroom, the lean body of Jason entering and sniffing Y/n out like a hunter would its prey.

Y/n couldn’t afford to think, but she felt the full weight of her decision as she took off the safety and landed a bullet in her big brother’s head.

She stood over his lifeless body, her breath caught somewhere between her heart and her lungs. From behind her, there was more manic growling.

Y/n spun around to find not only her sister, racing towards her, but her parents dragging themselves up the last steps on the staircase.

“No,” she whispered, “No, Annie, stop. Please!”

Her sister screamed, her eyes completely blackened and her nostrils flared in blind rage.

Y/n fired a shot with a shaking hand, causing the the bullet to hit a decorative plate on the wall, ricocheting back across the room and hitting her in the shoulder.

She couldn’t feel the pain.

She couldn’t feel anything.

Because the next three shots she didn’t miss.

When it was over, Y/n couldn’t move. She couldn’t see. She couldn’t breathe. All she could do was stare at the destruction she’d caused. And in her numbness, she didn’t hear the small footsteps, the heaving breaths coming for her…

Her little nephew, Matty, let out a vicious cry as he lunged for his aunt.

“Matty!” Y/n cried, the boy clinging to her leg and unhinging his jaw, “No!”

Y/n reached down, prying him off her leg and holding him in the air, his little legs flailing and his hands clawing for Y/n’s throat.

“Matty, stop,” Y/n screamed through her tears, her pain rising to match the demonic one of her nephew.

She threw him down on the bed and bolted for the stairs, the gun still in her palm. She knew that the next thirty seconds would decide who she would be in this new world, and whether her soul would retire to heaven or hell.

Her nephew flew down the stairs after her.

Y/n stumbled on the last step, landing on her knees and sliding across the blood slicked hardwood.

Matty shrieked.

Y/n raised her gun.

—————————

December 2023. Jackson, Wyoming.

The soft glow of the lamplight couldn’t help the darkness that filled the bedroom.

Joel’s lips were parted, in horror and in sorrow.

The entire expanse of Y/n’s cheeks were painted with her tears. Not a day had gone by since her tragic homecoming where she wasn’t haunted by her decisions. But the last three months, particularly after Henry and Sam’s tragic endings, it lived at the forefront of her mind again.

“I needed you there,” Y/n whispered angrily, incapable of making any louder a sound, “I needed you there to…”

To save her? To commit the atrocious sin for her? To hold her afterwards and tell her she was still a good person?

“You left me there,” Y/n whimpered, “To die.”

Joel felt the weight of the words, each one slicing through his heart the way he deserved. He deserved so much more.

The worst part, was that in all of Y/n’s twenty years she’d spent wanting to hurt Joel, with the opportunity in front of her, she couldn’t…because she understood. She understood what grief that powerful could do to a person. When she had made the choice to end her family’s lives, she lost herself. She couldn’t make sense of a single part of her mind, her heart, what was left of her soul…and twenty years later, Joel’s delusions were perfectly clear to her.

Despite all her efforts, she couldn’t hate his decision. Only the ramifications.

Joel felt like his entire body was made of led, unable to move so much as a finger. Only his eyes seemed to work properly as they rolled tears down his cheeks.

He had abandoned her in a state of unawareness and had doomed her to a life as broken as his. He had condemned her soul the minute he’d walked away from her. The reason for all her pain was him.

The emotions balled inside Y/n, gathering more and more pressure until she couldn’t hold it in any longer. Screw understanding, she had to get it all out.

“She chose me, Joel,” Y/n cried, “She fucking chose me! And you fucking stole that from me,” she pointed at him, “You tried to take her memory away from me like it was nothing. Why the fuck did you do that?!”

“Because,” Joel’s body shot up off the bed, turning to face Y/n, his voice possessed a strength that only came in desparate sadness, “We were so close! We were so damn close,” he drew a shaking breath and ran his hand through his hair.

Y/n stood as still as she could, nearly relieved that Joel was finally being honest with her, but heartbroken all the same.

Joel had kept so many secrets over the years, from Tess, from Tommy…it was the nature of survival. Keeping your cards close to your chest. But he couldn’t take the physical pain, the sick feeling in his stomach, that came with hiding one in particular.

He lowered his voice, his own pain softening the edges of his tone. “Did you know I was gonna buy you a ring? That weekend?” Joel asked, feeling stupid for posing it as question, “‘Course you didn’t. That’s why I was workin’ all those extra shifts,” he pointed a finger in the distance between them, “I was goin’ to get it the next morning…”

That was it. There was no more pain for either of them to feel. This was the great, whopping, life-stealing heartbreak that would steal the last of them.

“We were so close,” Joel whispered, his lip quivering as he bit back his sobs, “And we lost it all. And I couldn’t handle it…” his voice cracked with his final admission, “And there hasn’t been a day on this godforsaken planet that I haven’t regretted it.”

There was ten feet and two decades of space between them, but their minds were back in Austin on that last night, before tragedy struck. The glow of the TV flickered across their eyes, the soft sounds of Sarah’s breaths against Joel’s legs filled their ears, the phantom weight of Y/n’s head on Joel’s shoulder nudged him. It was the start of the future they were never meant to have.

Y/n stopped any attempt to slow her tears, instead allowing soft sniffles to escape her. She pressed a hand to one side of her face, digging her palm into her cheek. Sarah had chosen her as her mother, Joel had chosen her as his wife. They had been on the verge of…everything she’d ever wanted for them.

Joel watched her process his confession, still tied to her soul enough to feel the pain wash over her as if it was his own, because it was. He had felt the gaping hole of her at his side for two decades, knowing he was the one who caused the vacancy. Regardless of whether he ever saw Y/n again, he would carry that scar for the rest of his miserable life…

Y/n fought to draw a breath deep enough to keep her from losing consciousness. She met Joel’s eyes, wet and bloodshot and with all the strength she could summon.

“We did lose everything,” she agreed, the pressure of the lump in her throat forcing the words out of her, “But we didn’t have to lose each other.”

In the three months they’d worked together, risking their lives for Ellie and each other, they’d fought any and all feelings towards one another that didn’t pair well with Joel’s dishonesty or Y/n’s fury. They’d raged just as hard against their past as they had the violence of those against them. And now, with the truth exposed and nowhere left to hide…they felt it all.

Three months spent carefully considering every move they made towards one another, every word thought over with such consideration…they’d been so committed to keeping up their great divide.

There was nothing left to fight.

Only to feel.

Beautifully in sync with one another, Joel and Y/n surged towards one another, colliding in a kiss that could have stretched twenty years and back.

Joel’s arms wrapped around Y/n’s body, one around her waist and one sliding around her back, anchoring her to him. There was a duality to the way he held her; unbridled passion pressing his fingers deep into her skin, his pained adoration reining in the intensity of the touch, as if he was holding fine china. He practically melted as his hands roamed her, letting the full force of his feelings overwhelm him.

Y/n’s body trembled against Joel, her hands holding his wet cheeks as their lips frantically moved together, clashing and submitting to one another so perfectly. When close became not close enough, she wrapped her arms around Joel’s neck, leaving no space between them. She wept into their kiss, euphoria putting every inch of her at ease. She could feel nothing but him and him alone.

As their touches intensified, their lips digging for more and more of each other, Joel maneuvered them backwards. He blindly guided them until Y/n’s knees hit the edge of the bed, the two of them falling back onto it, never breaking from one another.

They spent their night falling apart and putting each other back together. Twenty years and three months of yearning was spilled out into the darkness of the early morning hours, both Joel and Y/n pouring all the love they’d ever felt for one another into each kiss.

—————————

Y/n’s eyes fluttered open, the clouded sunlight waking her up before anyone could knock on her door.

She could feel the absence of Joel without reaching across the sheets.

Sinking her teeth into her kiss-swollen lip, she shut her eyes and drew a slow breath. The night was never going to change either of their plans, it had been a funeral for all they’d never mourned. Neither of them could have afforded for it to be anything else.

It was a comfortable numbness to settle back into, longing for Joel against the reality of their world.

Y/n dressed in the new clothes Maria had left for her in her room, returning to Joel’s bedroom only to make the bed. It was the least she could do.

While she was tucking the quilt in, a knock on the door drew her focus. It was Tommy. Despite the years of separation, they could still read each other like the siblings they’d almost been. Tommy’s sad eyes registered Y/n’s unusually quiet demeanor and he knew that she was feeling the loss of his brother timelessly, just as she would have in 2003.

“Ellie up?” Y/n asked, finishing up with the blanket.

“I think,” Tommy replied, “Haven’t checked on her yet.”

Y/n settled the pillows back under the headboard, smoothing down a crumbled edge of the quilt and stood up straight. She was making the rest of the journey without Joel, but she was still going to hold her head high.

“Gimme a minute with her,” Y/n said, squeezing past Tommy in the doorway, determined not to look back at the room. She crossed the hall to Ellie’s door, gently knocking.

“Come in.”

The second Y/n walked in the room, she knew that Ellie had been expecting Joel in a new state of mind. There was barely concealed disappointment in the young girl’s eyes. Y/n smoothed her hands over her jeans and came to sit next to her in the bay window. Before they took one more step in their journey together, Y/n needed to make something clear.

“I know you didn’t sign up for any of this,” she began, “I know it’s been hard. You’ve seen things that no one should ever see, let alone someone your age,” Y/n paused, this was as honest as she’d ever been with Ellie, “And I know you’ve lost…so much.”

Ellie’s eyes shifted in Y/n’s direction before darting back forward.

“And it’s okay, you don’t have to tell me any of it,” Y/n carefully reached out and placed her hand over Ellie’s, “But I’m not walking out on you.”

Ellie looked up finally, watching the words fall off of Y/n’s lips.

“I’m with you until you tell me to stop,” Y/n continued, giving a small smile, “Even then...”

The side of Ellie’s mouth barely quirked upwards, that was enough for Y/n to know she had taken the words to heart. Since the beginning of their journey, it had been her and Ellie above all else.

Tommy knocked on the door, poking his head in. “Ready?”

Y/n looked to Ellie to decide, waiting until the girl stood to rise with her. Tommy handed Y/n her backpack which she promptly slung over her shoulders. She was thankful, at least, that Tommy was finishing out the rest of the trip with them.

The three of them filed out of the house, it had snowed heavier at some point in the night, creating an even thicker blanket.

“Stables,” Tommy said, beginning to guide them in the direction.

“Hang on,” Y/n said, cutting across the street in a move that surprised herself, “I’ll be right back.”

She climbed the steps to Tommy’s house, opening the unlocked door and entering. She bypassed the living room entirely, making her way through until she found the kitchen, where Maria was seated with a cup of coffee.

Maria’s fingers traced the handle of the mug, staring down at the liquid, “Are you here to tell me my husband will be fine and I shouldn’t worry?”

“No,” Y/n shook her head, “I mean, he will be, but…no. I came to say thank you.”

Maria dragged her gaze up to Y/n, she’d given enough to warrant wondering what exactly she was being thanked for.

“For…” Y/n exhaled, dancing carefully around the memory of the woman holding her as she wept, “For-“

Maria held up a knowing hand, her voice gaining a softer edge, “You’re welcome.”

Y/n hesitantly smiled, the woman had allowed her to grieve in a way nobody else ever had. A simple thanks seemed too simple, but it was all she had to offer. She turned on her heel to leave and let her have her morning.

“Hang on,” Maria called her back, rising from the table and heading down the hall. She returned with Y/n’s rifle and handgun, extending them out to their rightful owner. As Y/n reached for them, she pulled them back.

“You make sure my baby has a father,” Maria demanded, her eyes pleading with Y/n.

“With my life,” Y/n promised, it was one of the truest things she’d ever said.

Maria handed her the weapons, watching Y/n sling the rifle over her back and holster the handgun. She would never trust her brother-in-law, but she wanted to trust the sister-in-law she could have had.

Y/n exited the house, making her way back to Tommy and Ellie as quick as she could without slipping. Upon seeing the returned firearms, Ellie held up her own pistol, somehow mysteriously returned to her. One look to Tommy’s averted gaze told Y/n all she needed to know.

The three of them strode past the animal pens and into the stables, the same melancholy cloud hanging over them. Y/n was ready to take her night spent with the man she loved and tuck it away in her mind as nothing more than a beautiful moment in time.

When she turned towards one of the stalls, she hadn’t expected to see him standing in front of her.

Joel had made a lot of mistakes in his life, a lot. Most of them spanning over the last two decades, but many had come before. The one that kept him up at night, the one he saw in his dreams, the one that would haunt him every hour of every day would forever be leaving Y/n. Not just because he’d lost the love of his life, but because he’d made the decision for her. He’d played with her life in a way that made her still standing and breathing a damn miracle. Somewhere between leaving the warmth of her body in bed and saddling his horse, he’d realized he couldn’t take that away from her or Ellie.

“You came here to say goodbye or something?” Ellie asked.

“No,” Joel replied, still fiddling with one of the saddle straps, “I came here to steal one of these horses and go.”

“I woulda gave you one,” Tommy said.

“I know,” Joel turned to them, addressing everyone but Y/n, “Anyway…that was thirty minutes ago and I guess…” he stepped forward, finally letting his eyes fall on the woman before Ellie, “You deserve a choice.”

Everything at war inside Y/n settled at Joel’s words.

“I still think you’d be better off with Tommy-“ Joel began.

Ellie had heard enough, shoving the bag of food Tommy had packed them into Joel’s chest, “Let’s go,” she looked back to Y/n as she moved towards the horse, “Say yes.”

Y/n nearly smiled at Ellie’s bossiness, her and Joel’s eyes meeting softly. She hadn’t expected him there, but the change in heart, in the way he was handling the situation was even more unexpected and more welcome. She gave a reserved nod, allowing her cheeks to tug her lips upwards.

Joel could never go make up for what he’d done to Y/n. But whatever time they had left together was going to be spent trying.

Y/n turned to Tommy, “We’re gonna need another horse.”

Tommy nodded, unlatching another stall’s lock, leading one of the horses out and handing the reins to Y/n. “Maybe don’t tell Maria about this…” he smirked.

Y/n nodded, “Gotcha.”

The four of them exited the stables and finished readying the horses. Joel and Y/n both helped Ellie onto the one Joel would ride.

“Hold onto both,” Joel instructed, handing Ellie the reins.

“Mm-hmm,” Ellie nodded, her mood had already perked up.

Y/n and Joel came to Tommy, the three of them standing in a triangle. It was the first moment the three of them had shared since the night before.

“General direction?” Joel asked.

“Head southeast till you hit I-25,” Tommy answered, “It’s right off the interstate, shouldn’t be hard to miss.”

There was a brief pause before Tommy spoke up again, “Promise me y’all are gonna stick together.”

Joel gazed over at Y/n, feeling the history between each of Tommy’s words. Under the cover of night, it would have cut right through him. Now, it was a guarantee he could give both of them.

“I promise,” Joel said, his eyes never leaving Y/n’s. It was the first time she’d smiled at him in a long time, and he felt a new surge of strength through him.

Tommy pulled Joel in first, embracing him with a prayer that this wouldn’t be the last time he laid eyes on his brother. He tugged Y/n into his chest after, wishing the same. He couldn’t regain them only to lose them.

Y/n relaxed in Tommy’s arms, wishing they could stay in the safety of Jackson just a little longer. Twenty years of struggle, a little relief, and then back out into the jaw of danger.

“There’s a place for you here,” Tommy said, keeping a hand on Y/n’s shoulder and looking to Joel, “All of you.”

“Countin’ on it,” Joel said, earning a l eyebrow raise from Y/n. He didn’t feel like explaining his answer any further.

Joel glanced at Tommy’s rifle hitched to his shoulder, “Could I borrow that?”

“Yeah,” Tommy reached for the gun.

“”Cause Maria took mine, you know?” Joel added.

Tommy smiled, “I already said yes, Joel.”

Y/n chuckled, she hadn’t missed Joel scanning the firearms on her person.

“Adios, big brother,” Tommy said, taking one last long look at Joel.

Reluctantly, Y/n and Joel rounded their horses. As Y/n slipped one foot into her stir-up and prepared to swing her leg over, two familiar hands fell on her hips, helping to lift her. When she looked down, Joel was standing below her, his eyes tracing the curve of her calf he was holding. Y/n’s skin tingled under his touch.

They weren’t going to analyze it to death, but things had changed.

Joel saddled his own horse, Ellie wrapping her arms around his body, and the three of them rode through town. Tommy followed them to the gate, a few of the residents opening it up for them. With a final shared look between the three of them, Joel and Y/n led their horses out of Jackson’s borders, parting with Tommy.

Y/n’s chest tightened as soon as the gates slammed shut, they’d had a few wonderful hours of sanctuary. Back in the throes of losing their lives, she wanted to run back.

Joel could sense her anxiety, it was so similar to how he was feeling. If the stakes weren’t so high, he would have never left. He took one foot out of his stirrups and nudged Y/n’s boot with his, dragging her eyes to him. He gave a small nod to let her know he was there, for the first time in twenty years, he was with her in any and all ways she needed him.

—————————

It took them a solid day of travel, with sneaky glances and reserved smiles, for Joel and Y/n to start talking.

Closer to sunset, Joel decided to cave and teach Ellie how to shoot with the rifle. She’d practically fallen off the horse in her rush to get on the ground.

“Wide right,” Joel instructed, after Ellie had missed her fourth shot, “You’re flinchin’.”

“The target’s too small,” she complained.

Y/n watched them from beside her horse, sneaking in a quick bite of food. Ellie and Joel were on their knees with the rifle resting on a log. Their closeness and the way Joel was guiding her through her shots wasn’t lost on Y/n and for the first time, she didn’t think it was lost on Joel either.

“I made it bigger than I should’ve,” he told Ellie, “Eject the cartridge.”

Ellie did as she was told, “And I am not flinching.”

“Mm-hmm,” Joel humored her.

“The rifle just sucks.”

“Okay, give it,” Joel said, reaching for the gun.

Ellie gladly handed it over and switched spots with him, “It doesn’t aim right.”

“Mm-hmm,” Joel adjusted his position.

“You’ll see,” Ellie insisted.

Y/n dusted the crumbs off her hands and came to watch, “How can you tell it’s busted if you’ve used it?”

Ellie gestured to the target Joel and Y/n had made her, “‘Cause I should’ve been able to fucking hit that!”

“Ah,” Y/n smiled, “So you’re just that good? Never touched a rifle in your life, but you’ve got the raw talent.”

Ellie flipped Y/n off, settling in beside Joel with a pair of binoculars to spot the target. Y/n moved to stand a few inches away from Joel.

“A deep breath in, slow breath out,” Joel recited, he was ultra aware of Y/n’s presence beside him, “You squeeze the trigger like you love it. Gentle…steady…” he purposefully paused, unable to help himself, “Nice and slow.”

An involuntary heat creeped up Y/n’s neck and landed in her cheeks.

“You gonna shoot or get this thing or get it pregnant?” Ellie smirked.

When Joel glared up at Ellie and stopped to see Y/n’s reaction after, she kept her eyes dead ahead on the target. The small smile gracing her lips told Joel enough.

“It isn’t gonna work,” Ellie insisted, looking through the lenses of the binoculars, “It doesn’t aim right.”

Joel took a flawless shot, the bullet cutting through the middle of their target.

Ellie’s jaw dropped, “You dick.”

Proud of himself, Joel casually shrugged it off.

“Okay, okay,” Y/n nudged Joel’s leg with her foot, “Now that the amateurs have had their turn…”

Joel let go of the gun and scooted to the side, allowing Y/n the space to kneel down against the log. Even under the circumstances, teaching a fourteen year old how to defend herself in the worst case scenario, with the wind brushing through her air and her brow knit in concentration, Joel couldn’t help but admire Y/n’s beauty.

They had yet to talk about what had happened between them on their last night in Jackson. He didn’t know where they stood, what she was feeling, or the smartest way to go about finding out. Coming back to her and Ellie had been pure emotion. It wasn’t just that he didn’t want to leave them, he couldn’t.

“Hang on,” Joel held up a hand before Y/n took a shot, moving in closer to her, “Posture’s wrong.”

“My posture’s fine,” Y/n said plainly.

Joel decided to test the waters, stretching an arm out around Y/n’s body and sliding his trigger finger over his. His other hand reached forward to envelop hers against the body of the rifle.

Y/n tried to conceal her smirk as Joel wrapped himself around her, her skin felt like it was buzzing and crackling under the pressure of his body.

“Eighth of an inch could be the difference between life and death,” Joel defended his actions, his lips nearly brushing Y/n’s ear.

“Mmm,” Y/n hummed, sucking on her bottom lip and trying to pull it straight.

Carefully, Joel rotated her body a barely imperceptible amount. Through his gloves, he could feel the way Y/n’s pulse sped up under his touch and decided he’d made the right call.

“You gotta think through every move,” Joel said, the depth of his voice rumbling against Y/n’s back, “Don’t rush through it.”

Y/n lined her eye up with the viewfinder, deciding to join in on Joel’s game. “There’s not always enough time. Sometimes you gotta be fast,” she paused, “And firm.”

Joel felt his own heart rate pick up, the adrenaline of their banter sending him back to the night before. But Y/n still hadn’t succeeded in catching him off guard.

“Nobody’s shootin’ back,” Joel said, readjusting his grip on her hands, “You can take your time.”

Attempting to take a steady breath, Y/n fired her shot, the bullet lodging itself a millimeter apart from Joel’s.

Y/n pulled away from the viewfinder, turning her head towards Joel only to find him waiting for her.

“I think I could’ve done that on my own,” she purred.

Joel’s eyes were locked on her lips, nearly admitting defeat and giving into the tension they’d created. “Guess we’ll never know,” he replied huskily.

“Nice and slow, huh?” Ellie interrupted the moment, smirking at them, “Fuckin’ disgusting.”

Y/n smiled as Joel’s head dropped a little, sliding the gun back into his hands and getting to her feet.

“Come on, Cowgirl Jane,” she pulled on Ellie’s shoulders, steering the girl back to the horses, “Saddle up.”

Joel watched the two of them walk back to the horses, his eyes focusing on Y/n’s silhouette as she tugged Ellie’s body into hers. For months, all he could think of was what could have been, what almost had been. He’d never stopped to think that he had something so similar to what he’d lost in front of him the whole time.

—————————

They camped for the night under a rock formation, similar to the one they’d slept at the night before making it to Jackson. Ellie was tired enough to call it a night earlier than usual, leaving Joel and Y/n to themselves…for the first time since their conversation.

They sat across the fire from one another, unable to tear their gazes away for more than maybe five seconds. It had been like that all day, they couldn’t keep their eyes off one another. If a stranger took one look at them, they would never guess they’d been running from each other just 24 hours prior.

“You warm enough?” Joel asked, scanning the layers she had on.

“Mm-hmm,” Y/n nodded, heating her hands by the fire.

Joel settled back against his rock, watching the light of the flames dance across her face. It was the same shade of orange as the bedroom lamp had been.

“It’s rude to stare, Miller,” Y/n remarked, feeling the heat of his deep brown eyes on her.

“‘M not starin’,” Joel replied, a lovestruck smile pulling at his mouth.

“Really?” Y/n chortled, finally meeting his gaze, “Then what’re you doin’?”

It had been three months of avoiding looking at her too long, Joel wanted to take his time and admire every inch of her face for as long as she deserved to be admired, “Somethin’ else.”

Y/n felt the blood rush to her cheeks again, Joel could wield sentiment just as expertly as a gun. It was so tempting to just watch him watch her all night.

But they had to face the music at some point.

“Listen,” Joel started, his gaze darting to his hands in his lap, “About last night…”

“Yeah…” Y/n nodded, hugging one of her knees to her chest.

“I, uh…” Joel looked earnestly back up at her, “I didn’t plan that or anything.”

Y/n nearly laughed, “I didn’t think you did. And for the record, that’s not why I was in your room.”

Joel nodded, never in a million years could either of them have guessed how the night would have ended.

“Do you…” he paused, fearing the answer he knew he might get, “Regret it?”

Y/n knew she was well within her rights to resent Joel, in one way or another. But the thing was, she was tired of holding a grudge against him, of pretending like he wasn’t still engrained in her soul. What happened between them had been unexpected, unplanned and…beautiful.

“Y’know,” Y/n began, “I really tried to hate you at the beginning of all this. I mean, there was a part of me that definitely did but…I never could’ve made good on any of those promises to kill you…” she inhaled, “I’ve spent twenty years just…wanting to scream every time I thought about you. And then at some point, one of the many times I ran that day back in my mind…I understood. Why you did it.”

Joel’s amusement was sucked right out of him, a somber expression capturing his face again.

“It made sense,” Y/n nodded, watching the fire instead of Joel, “‘Cause after I…” she stopped short of the horrific memory, “After I did what I did…I broke. I mean, I shattered on the floor and I never found all the pieces…

“You’re still you,” Joel interjected, unable to help himself.

“Joel…” Y/n smiled sadly at him, “I’m not the same. Neither are you. I don’t think you can go through something like what we went through and not come out different…,” Y/n sighed, “And it’s not fair of me to keep blaming you for what I did after you left.”

The last thing Joel was going to let her do was try and make him feel better about what he’d done to her, “Y/n, I-“

“No,” Y/n readjusted herself against the rock, “Stop. I can be upset you left me, I can be sad about it…but I can’t blame you for the choices I made. They were mine to make and…” she sniffled, “I have to live with them.”

“So, no…” Y/n sighed, “I don’t regret it. Any of it.”

Joel shifted, so unsettled by how the air was shifting. He couldn’t handle the way Y/n was treating him. It wasn’t what he deserved.

“Just…please hate me,” he asked of her, his throat forming a lump, “In some way, just…just a little.”

Y/n knew what self-loathing looked like, she practiced it every minute of every day. She’d never felt something stronger than the way she despised herself, and she didn’t want Joel to drown in the same whirlpool.

Picking herself off the ground, she walked around the fire, nudging Joel’s legs flat against the dirt. She lowered herself onto his lap, rendering him still and speechless.

Joel’s breath caught in his chest as Y/n sat atop him, her gaze travelling across his face and her hand coming up to cup his cheek. He nearly flinched at the softness of her touch, here he was begging for her vitriol, and she was bathing him in honey.

“We don’t always get what we want, Joel,” she whispered, her words crossing the small, small distance between them.

Joel could do nothing but tremble at the sentiment, underlying feelings rising to the sentence’s surface and embracing him. None of it was fair, what he’d put her through, what she’d gone through after, and what had put them there in the first place. He knew he didn’t deserve Y/n anymore, if he ever had, but…he wanted to be selfish. He wanted to love her again with the full force that came with twenty years of missing a person.

It all came down to whether or not he would let himself.

And the way her fingers grazed his cheek and her tender gaze flipped his stomach practically threw him into her arms.

Joel leaned forward, pressing his lips to Y/n’s in a passionate, yet slow kiss. She caught his face in her palms, allowing him to drag her closer till their chests were pressed together. It hadn’t taken long for their bodies to remember the feel of one another. Joel inhaled deeply, breathing Y/n in like she was his life support, and she was. He would forever live and die by her.

When they broke, muscle memory brought their foreheads together. The crackling of the fire and their quickened breaths were the soundtrack to their intimate moment. Y/n couldn’t help the tears welling in her eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Joel’s hands sliding up her back, one coming to cup the back of her neck.

Y/n shook her head, biting back a smile as her eyes travelled Joel’s face. “I just never thought I’d see you again…” she whispered, her thumb gliding over Joel’s beard.

Joel turned into her palm, pressing apologetic kisses to the skin. The same thought had echoed through his mind for two decades.

“You still gotta give me hell,” he said in between kisses, “Make me pay for what I put you through.”

Y/n smiled, her skin tingling at his touch, “Stop.”

Joel’s lips travelled to her wrist, “Fire a warnin’ shot every once in a while, just to keep me on my toes.”

“Shut up,” Y/n laughed softly, pulling his chin up to gain access to his lips.

Under the midnight Wyoming sky, they let themselves fall for each other all over again. It would never be exactly as it had been, they were different people, but the core flame remained the same. Joel and Y/n had travelled for twenty years only to find their way back to one another. In every kiss, every touch, there was forgiveness. There was redemption. Above all, there was love that nothing, not even Cordyceps could lay waste to.

When their kisses began to slow, exhaustion hitting them both, Joel pulled back. “Get some sleep,” he brushed a strand of hair from Y/n’s face, “I got first watch.”

“You don’t fucking wake me up,” Y/n smiled, “Ever.”

“No, I don’t,” Joel ran his hands slowly up and down her back. He had a hard time dragging her from peace to the cold reality they spent their waking hours in.

Y/n rolled her eyes and rolled off of Joel’s lap, crossing the fire to retrieve her sleeping bag. Joel watched her every move in daze, fully consumed by his love for her once again.

She dropped her bag at Joel’s side, pointing to him decisively before sliding in, “Wake me up.”

“Okay,” Joel smiled, humoring her. They both knew he wouldn’t.

Y/n settled in next to him, resting one hand on his thigh. She knew they were too vulnerable to ask him to lay next to her, but she needed some piece of him to fall asleep.

Joel sat there, holding his rifle for the first time with a smile on his face. He had ended up right where he’d tried so hard not to be, exposed by his instinctual need to love someone. He glanced down at Y/n and further away at Ellie. He couldn’t say that he regretted falling captive to either of them.

—————————

The next few days went by in a blur of snow-coated landscapes and trees that all looked identical.

Perhaps the most beautiful part of Joel and Y/n’s reunion was the freedom it allowed them. They didn’t have to hide any more behind their shields, they didn’t have to try and find fault in each other. They were unshackled from their grudge and it didn’t just serve them.

“So the way they ran stuff in Jackson,” Ellie asked on their second day of travel, “Was that how things used to be?”

“No,” Joel answered as he guided their horse, “The country was too big for that. Back then, there were basically two main ways of lookin’ at things. Some people wanted to own everything. And some people didn’t want anyone to own anything at all.”

“Most people didn’t even care about the actual issues,” Y/n added, remembering sitting through mind-numbing debates amongst friends at dinner parties or candidates on a tv screen, “They just wanted to argue.”

“So which one were you guys?” Ellie asked.

“Neither,” Joel answered for both him and Y/n, “We just did our jobs.”

“Which was…” Ellie tried to recall the details they’d told them earlier, “Building?”

“That’s right. Houses, stores, that kind of thing. We were called contractors,” Joel replied, nodding to Y/n, “She used to sell me all my supplies.”

“Oh,” Ellie smirked and pumped an eyebrow at Y/n, “That makes sense…you hooked him up.”

Y/n rolled her eyes, “You live in the fucking gutter, child.”

Ellie snickered, before lowering her voice, “‘The Contractor.’ That’s pretty cool.”

“Yeah, we were cool,” Joel breathed, deciding rewriting an insignificant piece of history wouldn’t stunt Ellie’s growth, “Everybody loved contractors.”

Y/n nearly snorted, turning her face so Joel could maintain his reputation in Ellie’s eyes but earned a light kick from him to the shin. When she looked back, Ellie was resting her face against Joel’s back and Joel was beaming. The lover’s eyes met, a silent understanding passing between them that this was the happiest either of them had been since…

Y/n thought to the plastic butterfly that had survived the last three months in her backpack. Joel still didn’t know it was there.

Each night that they camped, Y/n drifted a little closer to Joel until the second after they’d start their fire, she’d settle right into his arms. Ellie continually took the piss out of them, making a suggestive remark or serenading them with an off-key rendition of an old ballad. Y/n would laugh and throw something at her, Joel would watch them both and try to conceal just how much they were bringing him back to life.

When Joel would stand watch, Y/n would be right by his side, unable to be apart from him even in sleep. On the nights where he’d let her take the second shift, desperate for a moment’s rest, he’d lay his head on her leg. Twenty years of separation were driving them together with a force neither of them could fight.

Each day, Joel and Y/n explained a little more about their lives or how the world had worked to Ellie. She absorbed it all as best she could, but it was naturally difficult to imagine a world different than the only one she’d known.

“Okay, so if you mess up your fourth down,” Ellie recited what Joel had explained to her, “Then you give the ball to the other team?”

“Right,” Joel confirmed, “It’s called a turnover.”

“Turnover,” Ellie tested out the word, “But if you make it to ten yards, then you’re back to first down?”

“Yep,” Joel nodded.

“So, basically just moving in one direction.”

“Basically,” Joel replied, “But violent.”

“Oh, well,” Ellie nodded, “There’s that.”

Y/n guided her horse alongside them, “Do you remember that Cowboys game we went to?”

It was the first time either of them had brought up one of the lighter periods of their past. “Tommy’s birthday?” Joel recalled, “Yeah, they barely pulled through.”

“We made it up on the big screen,” Y/n remembered, a smile coming to her face.

“And Tommy was so fuckin’ wasted, he started dancin’,” Joel continued the memory.

Y/n grinned, “We had to pour him into the car, let him sleep it off on the couch.”

Joel chortled under his breath, for the first time feeling like he could look back on the happier parts of his life without feeling guilt. Y/n represented both the best and worst times he’d gone through, the hope and the fall of all his dreams. The light she was bringing back into his space was illuminating all their history, and they couldn’t sustain themselves anymore on grief.

He wrapped the reins around one fist and reached over to Y/n’s horse, pulling her hand into his. She looked across to him, smiling warmly and tightening her fingers around his.

Ellie groaned, making a convincing gag sound.

“Would you rather us try and kill each other all day?” Y/n asked as Joel scoffed.

“That was easier to stomach,” Ellie remarked, though it didn’t really bother her all that much. She liked Joel and Y/n getting along.

They came up on the I-25, just as Tommy had directed them. The city’s outline acted as a homing beacon.

“Well, how ‘bout that?” Joel said, “Made it in five days.”

“Easy days,” Ellie added, “I don’t know what Tommy was so afraid of.”

“Still time to find out,” Joel commented, he was happy, but he couldn’t be delusional.

Ellie lowered her voice and threw on a bad Southern drawl, “‘Still time to find out.’”

Joel glared back at her before she switched to a strained, creepy whisper, “‘The Contractorrrr.’”

Y/n and Ellie shared a laugh, Joel rolled his eyes and dropped Y/n’s hand, causing them to laugh harder. The sound warmed his chest.

They rode another hour before making it to the outskirts of the university.

“Wow,” Y/n muttered, taking in the corroded architecture.

“I know,” Joel agreed, having not stepped foot on a campus since tours in his junior year of high school, “Been a while.”

“‘Home of the Big Horns,’” Ellie read off the sign, “What does that mean?”

“Team mascot,” Joel explained, “It’s a kind of sheep.”

“Oh, see?” Ellie said, “One step closer to your dream. Don’t see any Fireflies though.”

“They’re gonna be further in,” Y/n said, nudging her horse forward to lead them. It had been three months since she’d actually thought of herself as a Firefly. Being with Joel, taking care of Ellie had made her feel like her old self. To put on her other identity felt…unnatural.

They rode through the dormitory section of campus, of all the abandoned buildings she’d seen over the years, Y/n was sure this was the strangest.

“So these places,” Ellie started, “People would live here and like, what? Go to classes and stuff?”

“Yup,” Joel answered,

“Even though they were adults,” Ellie struggled. FEDRA recruited straight out of high school. College was, truly, an alien concept to her.

“Sort of adults,” Joel clarified, “I think it was just as much about partyin’ and findin’ themselves as anythin’ else.”

“Hey, hey,” Y/n spoke up, “Some of us were studious.”

Joel smiled, “Alright. And figurin’ out what they wanted to do with their lives.”

“What they wanted to do with their lives,” Ellie repeated, chuckling to herself.

“It didn’t always go that way,” Y/n added, “I mean, I went for four years, got a degree and it stayed on a wall. I never used it. Ended up in a hardware store.”

“So why go?” Ellie asked.

Y/n shrugged, “Like he said, you try to find yourself at that age…” she hesitated to continue, “I didn’t find myself till much later in life.”

Joel knew exactly what she was referring to, transporting himself somewhere between their first date and their last kiss.

“So I’ve been thinkin’,” he spoke up.

“Mm-hmm?” Ellie hummed.

“I don’t want a sheep ranch, actually. I mean, if the deal is I can do anything?”

Ellie looked over his shoulder up at him, “That’s the deal.”

“Well…” Joel was about to reveal the very last secret he’d been keeping, “When I was a kid, I wanted to be a singer.”

“Shut up,” Ellie laughed.

Joel looked back at her, “Why is that funny?”

“You gotta sing something now,” Ellie said.

“No.”

“Oh, you can’t just drop that on her and run,” Y/n grinned, “C’mon, hit us with a little Patsy Cline.”

“Yeah, c’mon, man,” Ellie joined in, “I’m not gonna laugh.”

“You’re already laughin’,” Joel pointed out.

“Yeah, okay, true,” Ellie replied, it was just too funny to think about dark, brooding Joel belting out an 80’s pop song or a 90’s grunge anthem, “Well, you’re singin’ for us later. I’m gonna save the fuckin’ world, man. It’s the least you can do for me.”

“I can’t top that,” Y/n smiled, “But I’ll make your life a complete hell if I don’t get to hear that voice again.”

Joel smirked, looking between the two women who could make him do just about anything, “Fair enough.”

Y/n and Joel drove their horses deeper into campus, coming up on what would have once been considered the quad. Now, there were wild animals freely roaming the frozen grass.

“Are those monkeys?” Ellie excitedly asked.

“Must be from the old labs,” Joel considered.

Ellie laughed as they chased each other away, “Look at them go.”

“First time seein’ a monkey?” Joel asked.

“First time seein’ a monkey.”

Y/n was a few feet ahead of them, scanning for her west coast counterparts. Spray painted on some signage, she spotted the Firefly symbol.

“Hey,” she called back to Joel, who was already coming to her side, “Look.”

Ellie sighed, “Here we go…”

Joel and Y/n kept their rifles against their chests as they followed the path, Y/n continued to ride ahead of them to handle any of the talking.

“Guard stations,” Ellie observed.

“Empty,” Y/n added, a twinge of suspicion lacing through her stomach.

“Uh…” Ellie dragged out the non-verbal question.

“Yeah,” Joel confirmed.

“Gun?”

It was foolish to think that their happiness would last the whole way to the base without a hint of trouble. “Yeah,” Joel sighed.

Y/n slid off her horse first, tucking her reins with Joels between a tree and its branch. The two of them shared a look, tender yet hardened as they removed their gloves to handle their guns better.

“Stick behind us,” Y/n ordered Ellie, who already knew the drill.

Joel and Y/n walked side by side, their pistols unholstered, as they entered the main building. The inside was utter destruction, everything from medical equipment to vials and medication bottles strewn across the floor.

“There were definitely doctors here,” Ellie said, picking up a small box from one of the carts left standing.

Joel picked up a file, flipping the manilla folder open and finding a piece of yellow pad paper.

“This is a packing list,” he explained, “Somethin’ you make before moving.”

He turned it to Y/n, who examined the contents of the list. Marlene had moved the Firefly base in Boston a few times before they’d found their home, their lists were nearly identical to this one.

“They just left?” Ellie asked.

There was a metallic clang from somewhere on a floor above them, all of their muscles tensing at the sound.

“Maybe not all of ‘em,” Ellie looked to Joel and Y/n.

The three of them carefully climbed the stairs, following the noise to the third floor. Joel managed to get ahead of Y/n, making himself a human shield. The same mess that littered the ground floor was scattered down the hall. Something, or someone, had cause the Fireflies to leave in a hurry.

Pausing outside the room in which the sound was coming from, Joel held up a hand to Ellie. Y/n scrunched down, sneaking past the doors and coming to stand on the other side. She and Joel shared an affirmative nod, drawing their guns and slowly entering the room.

Where the monkeys revealed themselves as the noisy culprits.

“Jeez,” Y/n breathed.

“Well,” Joel sighed, “At least it ain’t Clickers.”

“Yeah, no Fireflies either,” Ellie began to roam the room, “Maybe in all that research, they turned into fuckin’ monkeys.”

Y/n put her hands to her hips, throwing her head back to stare at the ceiling. She wracked her brain for anything, any piece of information about the base out west. An emergency evacuation plan, a second meeting place…

“You got anything?” Joel asked, seemingly telepathic.

“Nothing,” Y/n replied, scrunching her eyes shut, “I’ve never been privy to all of Marlene’s secrets.”

The two of them began to examine the room, Y/n was drawn to a cork-board with papers pinned to it. There was a map of the country in the middle with thumbtacks leading a path all the way to Salt Lake City.

“Hey,” Y/n called for Joel and Ellie.

“That’s where they went?” Ellie pointed her gun towards Utah.

“All the pins lead there,” Joel observed, “Maybe gettin’ ahead of the weather…better facilities? I don’t know.”

Y/n shook her head, “I mean, I don’t remember there being a base out there but-“

A set of unfamiliar voices interrupted her thought.

Joel and Y/n hurried to the window, barely peeking out enough to spot a group of raiders outside.

“Out the back,” Joel ordered, the three of them quickly rushing out the room.

They filed down the stairs and out the back entrance of the lab, taking shelter behind old sandbags as they listened for the raiding party. When all they heard was silence, Joel led them to the next point of safety.

“Ready?”

Y/n and Ellie nodded, guns drawn and ready to make their grand escape.

The three of them ran across the distance to where they’d left their horses. Joel and Y/n quickly holstered their rifles while Ellie tried to keep their animals calm.

“Joel! Y/n!”

Ellie’s cry caused them to spin around, one of the raiders had snuck up on them. He swung a lead pipe around, Joel pulling Y/n out of the way just in time before it collided with her skull. Y/n reached for her rifle again, ramming it in their attacker’s stomach, causing him to stumble. Joel took the opportunity to lunge at him, slamming him up against the tree. He took a shiner to the chin before flipping the raider in his grip and cutting off his airways with a chokehold.

“Get her,” Joel grunted to Y/n as the man struggled against him.

Y/n ran to Ellie, who had her gun aimed with a shaking hand, and pulled her back from the danger.

Joel waited until the raider was too weak to fight back before snapping his neck with a sickening crack and dropping him to the ground. He turned around to Y/n and Ellie, his chest rising and falling in heaves.

They were both staring at his abdomen in horror.

He looked down in confusion, a knife sticking out of him.

The world seemed to stop, for all of them, as realization hit in different ways. Joel grabbed hold of the dagger’s handle, pulling it out of him with a grunt. His blood began to pour out of him.

Y/n’s slackened jaw trembled, watching it all unfold as Joel’s eyes flew up to hers.

“Joel,” Ellie cried, the only one of them still thinking clearly and spotting the other raiders coming up on them, “Get on the horse.”

Joel managed to take a few steps forward while Y/n rushed to her own horse. He mounted his horse, letting out a blood-curdling cry of pain that, despite all their instincts, neither of them could stop to care for.

“El,” Y/n called as she mounted her own animal, “Go!”

Joel and Ellie began to ride off with Y/n not far behind, she was trying to manage the horse and shoot. Most of her shots landed at the ground around the raider’s feet.

Ellie took a few shots as well, “Get back!”

One fatal bullet hit one of the men, a warning to the others that may try to follow them.

Looking back for a split second, Y/n made a shot that cut through one of the raider’s legs. She spun back around to urge her horse forward.

“Joel,” Y/n shouted, “Ride.”

Through the shock that was beginning to hit his system, Joel could still understand her. He nudged the horse forward, their speed picking up and creating a wider berth between them and the men chasing after them.

It took them twenty minutes of riding until they were sure they’d lost them.

“They’re not following us,” Ellie said, looking to their rear, “I think we’re safe.”

Y/n looked over at Joel, his eyes were glazed over as he hunched over the reins of the horse.

“Joel,” she called, as if she could warn him of what his body had already set in motion.

He slipped from his horse before Ellie or Y/n could do a thing.

“Joel,” the girl cried, “No, no, no, no, shit!”

He fell to the snow with a grunt, his vision going black, the last thing is ears registered being-

“Joel!”

Y/n rushed off her horse, beating Ellie to his body and kneeling over it. His skin had turned three shades paler than his usual glow, Y/n felt his deathly cold cheeks and began to cry.

“No, no, no,” she mumbled, tapping his face firmly, “Joel, wake up.”

“Joel?” Ellie called him, kneeling on his other side, “Joel?”

Y/n was sane enough to examine his wound, blood spilling out of it at an uncontrollable rate.

“Shit,” she whimpered, “Ellie, his hands.”

Ellie covered Joel’s hands and pressed down on the hole in an attempt to stop the flow.

“Joel, open your eyes,” Ellie ordered, leaning over his face, “Open your eyes. Joel, you gotta get up.”

Panic mounted in Y/n quicker than it ever had, her mind flashing back to Outbreak Day, the last time she’d felt the life slip from someone she loved.

“No,” she begged, her tears falling onto Joel’s cheeks and rolling down his own face, “Joel, come on. Please, wake up.”

“We can’t fuckin’ do this without you,” Ellie began to choke on her own cries, “We don’t know where the fuck we’re going, what the fuck we’re gonna do…”

They needed him.

Ellie let out one more heartbreaking croak of his name, “Joel.”

Y/n pressed her forehead to his as if she could will her life into him. She couldn’t go twenty years missing him, get him back only to have him ripped from her.

“Joel, please,” she whined, “Don’t do this to me. Don’t do this to me.”

They sat in the snow, begging him to do something he couldn’t.

Y/n fought against the fears bubbling in her throat, ready to swallow her. She had to think clearly and quickly if they had any chance of saving him.

She wrenched her backpack off her body, frantically pulling at her jacket until it was off her too. “Ellie,” she sniffled, “Lift his shoulders.”

Ellie crawled above Joel’s head and strained to lift him, Y/n forced and shimmied her coat underneath him, yanking it until it was around his lwoer back. She pulled the sleeves around to his front, lined them up with the wound and tied a tight knot. A makeshift tourniquet.

“We gotta get him on the horse,” Y/n thought out loud, trying to think of the best way to move him, “Bring one of ‘em down.”

Ellie ran to retrieve Y/n’s horse, leading it back to the dip in the land they were on. Y/n brushed a hand over Joel’s cheek again, praying he stayed unconscious for the next part.

“I’m gonna get him to his feet,” Y/n instructed through her tears, “You’re gonna keep the horse steady, then you’re gonna help me get him on, okay?”

“Mm-hmm,” Ellie nodded, just as emotional as Y/n.

“Okay,” Y/n wrapped one of Joel’s arms around her shoulders and hoisted him to a seated position, “C’mon, honey. Come on.”

Joel’s head lolled backwards, his lips were turning blue. It was better to try and keep him awake.

“Joel,” Y/n said into his ear, loudly, “Joel, c’mon, stay awake for me.”

She got to her feet, calling on a supernatural strength she didn’t know she possessed and getting Joel upright, only for his knees to go out. Ellie was quick to take hold of his other side, doing her best to keep him up. She and Y/n strained ahead to their horse, until it was time to lift him.

Y/n mounted the animal first, they’d gotten Joel leaned up against it and Ellie was keeping him steady. “I’m gonna pull, you’re gonna push, okay?”

Ellie nodded.

“Go,” Y/n ordered, pulling Joel by his armpits up onto the horse with her. He let out a muffled groan as they did, a sad, but good sign. Ellie strained as she helped to lift him the rest of the way.

“I got you,” Y/n lowered him onto her back, the full weight of him pressing into her, “I got you.”

Joel’s head fell forward against Y/n’s shoulder, knowing even through his haze that it was a safe place to be.

“Where do we go?” Ellie asked, having grabbed Y/n’s backpack and mounted her horse.

Y/n looked at the area around them, hopelessly clueless as to what their next move was. Joel wouldn’t make the five day ride back to Jackson, and they couldn’t go back to the university. It was uncharted waters, whichever way they went.

“We find somewhere we can hide,” Y/n decided, on the verge of hyperventilating, “Anywhere.”

“We passed that neighborhood on the way,” the girl recalled.

“Yeah,” Y/n tugged Joel’s arms around her waist, “Yeah, let’s try there.”

The two women urged their horses forward, somewhere between a sprint and a trot, cutting through the woods beside them to head back to their original route. Y/n clutched Joel’s hands, interlocking her fingers with his, determined not to let him die in her arms.

She wouldn’t.

She couldn’t.

—————————

TYL Taglist: @bachiracore @stolenxkissess @kayleezra @the-wistful-reader @allthesesonsofbitches @goth-detectives365 @trippovert @rh1nestonecowg1rl @emiliaserpe @khaleesihavilliard @frietiemeloen @gracie7209 @dorck26 @thegirlnextdoorssister @alanis-altair @mariwinns16 @whosscruffylooking @endofthexline @alexiaricciardo @eonnyx @pedrosmexicangf @scarlettequinn @ao-sleepy @toinfinityandbeyonce2 @deanlovescassie @turmoil-ash @sorrowjunky @kpopslur @xxlilyxx90 @midgetpottermills @presidential-facts @scoopsnini @tubble-wubble @jamesdeerest @burninggracesandbridges @star-wars-lover @lucyhotchner @cococola-cocaine @witheringhqarts @fall-writes @alwaysdjarin @xxmoonn @emilia-the-artist @wand-erer5 @boneyarrd @lizard-zombie @itwasallinmyhead1 @cassidylea123 @paleepeaches @mxltifxnd0m @kettlekatie @ultimate-cinephile @gloryekaterina @caramelkatsukis-bitch @whovianayesha @memeorydotcom @deadunicorn159 @get0ut0fmyr00m @siriuslymooned @emmyeed @superbreadsoul @hellu-people1 @ourautumn86 @inas-thing @noraapple05 @givemylovetoall @luvwanda (tags cont. in comments)

[perriewinklenerdie]

This was simultaneously everything I never knew I wanted from this series and also entirely too painful. Regardless, thank you very much for blessing me this fine evening (Europe time) and making it completely impossible for me to fall asleep peacefully ❤️😂

[userjoel]

cards against joel / cards against ellie : [ THE 1.02 PACK ]

[overgrownarchive]

Me tucking in Pedro Pascal making sure he's as snug as a bug in a rug, giving him hot Coco, kissing his forehead and reading him a bed time story

[genevievemd]

A Weekend Away With The Ramsey’s

September 24-25. 2022

Book: Open Heart (Beyond) Pairing: Ethan Ramsey x F!MC (Genevieve McClure) Format: Text/Edits Rating: T Category: fluff Trope(s): and one of them uses social media

Summary: Ethan and Gen get the keys to their new vacation home on the cape and spend the weekend

Warnings: alludes to adult activities

A/N: It took way too many tries to get this uploaded, I hate tumblr. Anyway, enjoy the fun – this will be the last “update” before ‘tis the damn season starts.

Saturday, September 24th

Czytaj dalej

[perriewinklenerdie]

MY BABIES ❤️

Ethan talking dirty so openly on PG is something I didn’t know I needed but here we are. Thank you for your service, ma’am, you’re doing god’s work here 😂

[perriewinklenerdie]

After the Miami kiss, Claire is hanging out with the gang and Ethan is (not so discreetly) staring at her, and a song starts playing that makes Ethan feel all kinds of emotions towards her, what is that song?

Hi!

*voice from the tv commercial* So you’re catching feelings for your coworker?

I know that it’s entirely his morals that screwed them over in Miami (that and him being a stubborn “I dOn’t HaVe a CrUsH oN hEr” teenager) but what I can’t deny is that it’s hard on him too. Poor E, would want to be anywhere else other than the spot he’s in at that moment to save himself from the feelings he has for C, both literally (because he believes if he puts distance, it will make him not think about the Miami Incident™️) and figuratively (because if he didn’t stop himself, he would be in a very different place regarding the relationship he has with her in that moment - and she most likely would be there with him)

So this song comes on. It’s not exactly “relationship touchy feely makes you think about love” but it’s special enough to make Ethan think. What’s making matters worse for him is that it just happens to be C’s favorite band- (OneRepublic is my favorite band and since it’s always been “What Perrie likes, Claire most likely likes too”, it’s no surprise that C likes them too. And for a good reason, they SLAY.)

[yes I’m going to brag here because while I was gone, I went to see OneRepublic in concert and I fought and waited my way to the FRONT ROW IN THE PIT BABY, I HIGH FIVED RYAN LIKE FOUR TIMES, best concert ever. And our concert was live streamed so I have a high quality recording of the whole show to look back on - I’m even shown in some moments 😌]

- and Ethan knows it. They talked about it on the way to Miami when she popped the headphones in to listen to some music - on his request, she gave him one and they listened together. This song was one of the ones they listened to, so Ethan knows it. Which hits even harder.

When he looks over, he sees her swaying with Sienna in their booth, singing along with all her friends (all of them slaying the song to a different degree). C is the only one that’s singing quietly and softly, which is only because she’s deep in thoughts. As Ethan looks at her, she turns her head towards him and their eyes meet. Before he can look away, she mouths along a line of the song, then winks at him and turns back to her friends.

How the hell do these always turn into story times, I don’t know. But there we are. He’s deep in his feelings even though he’s doing everything he can to prove that he isn’t (he’s trying to convince Naveen because his mentor sees right through his bullshit. And himself, most definitely himself, that he isn’t falling for the pretty intern that calls him out on the said bullshit). And Claire is just there, kinda struggling to make sense of it all because the whole situation is complicated.

And then they went to the opera and he kissed her face off

Man, I missed OH. Maybe it’s time for a replay.

-P 💜

[perriewinklenerdie]

Hey girl heyyyyy! How are you? Hope you’re doing well beautiful ❤️❤️❤️ missed ya lots 😘

HI HUN

I’m good, thanks for asking! I miss you too, you can’t imagine my surprise when I saw you back here too 😆 I hope you’re doing great too, it’s been a while since we last talked ❤️

[perriewinklenerdie]

PERRIE!!!

I just saw you reblog Bree’s fic and had to come say hi! I miss seeing you on my dash all the time and just around the fandom in general.

I hope you’re doing well, peanut 💕

- Sara (genevievemd)

SARA BBY HI!!! MY SIX THE MUSICAL SISTER 💜

I’m well! Lurking. Never really left, I just don’t have the time to write. Writing juices may have left me too, but reading what you guys are doing is still one of my favorite pastimes ❤️

S3 of Smiles was 110/10, chefs kiss, didn’t miss a single update, can’t wait for s4

Love you, nice to talk to you again 💝

[genevievemd]

Awwwww it makes me happy to know you’re still lurking and that you’ve kept up with my little au😭😭 I have seriously missed having you around, but knowing you’re lurking is great news lol

Glad to know you’re doing well too!!! 💕💕 you deserve all the nice things 🥰

[perriewinklenerdie]

I did see that you saw it and I’m high key jealous because that’s a dream. And the fact that you saw SAM? Jealous times 10000. Good for you, babe, so happy you had the chance to do that ❤️

[perriewinklenerdie]

PERRIE!!!

I just saw you reblog Bree’s fic and had to come say hi! I miss seeing you on my dash all the time and just around the fandom in general.

I hope you’re doing well, peanut 💕

- Sara (genevievemd)

SARA BBY HI!!! MY SIX THE MUSICAL SISTER 💜

I’m well! Lurking. Never really left, I just don’t have the time to write. Writing juices may have left me too, but reading what you guys are doing is still one of my favorite pastimes ❤️

S3 of Smiles was 110/10, chefs kiss, didn’t miss a single update, can’t wait for s4

Love you, nice to talk to you again 💝