Hey, your blog has been a huge help for me. I'm a new Dom and stuff you post has given me a lot of knowledge. Like I said I'm new at this and I was wondering if you had any overall advice. I honestly just want to do what's best for my little/sub. Her safety and happiness are my #1 priorities
tyler-12698-h, thank you for your kind words. I’d be happy to give some general advice, but let me tell you something first about what you are already doing right:
First and foremost, you say that her safety and happiness are your number one priorities… That should always be any dominants number one priority. So that’s a really good start.
Second, you are not afraid to seek help and advice from someone who is more experienced. That’s excellent too! So many dominants out there are too proud to seek advice, for fear that it somehow makes them less dominant. That couldn’t be further from the truth. Good dominants are, at their core, good leaders, and seeking out help and advice from others is a characteristic that literally every good leader on the planet possesses.
I won’t pretend to be an expert, despite some people painting me as such. I have been involved in this scene for years, true, but I learn more every single day, from every single dominant and submissive I meet, regardless of their experience level. I guarantee I could learn things from you as well.
But here are a few things I have learned that will make you a more effective dominant:
1. Every rule you make, every command you give, should be for the betterment of your submissive, the betterment of your relationship, or the strengthening of the dynamic. Never make a rule just for the sake of making a rule. Never give a command for selfish reasons.
2. Discipline is important, but a good Dom also knows when to stay his hand. Sometimes being gentle and understanding is what she needs.
3. Never blame your submissive for something that is beyond their control. This goes hand-in-hand with number 2 up there. Your submissive wants to please you more than anything. So when something goes wrong that is beyond their control, they are already going to be panicking because they fear disappointing you. Don’t exacerbate this. Smile, make clear that you aren’t angry, and make clear that you understand that they were making an effort to please you, even if something got in the way.
4. Never make a rule without explaining why you made it. Ever. Your submissive needs to understand why you do the things you do so that they can see that it all comes from a place of love.
5. Never punish in anger. I do not give a flying fuck how disrespectful they were or how badly they screwed up. You keep your fucking hands to yourself and your mouth shut until you calm down. I can’t stress this one enough. An angry Dom is a Dom not in control of himself. Always approach corrections and punishments with a steady, measured voice and equally steady mind.
6. Never make your submissive feel bad for their hard limits. You respect those limits and make clear that those limits do not bother you in any way.
7. Positive reinforcement for the good things that your submissive does is far more effective than waiting till they are bad and punishing. Positively reinforce even the little things. Any tiny success, any accomplishment, any good behavior should be praised and rewarded. It not only shows your love, but it helps build good habits.
8. Know when not to be a Dom. Sometimes they don’t need you to be particularly Domly. Sometimes they don’t need you to be particularly commanding or strict. I am always belovedsangi’s Master. The dynamic is present 24/7, both in the bedroom and out. But you know what we spend most of our time doing? Goofing around, making each other laugh, and playing video games together. And yes, sometimes the situation can go from silly as hell to “yes, Master” in a split second, but the point remains that you don’t always need to act overly dominant. Know when it’s needed and when it’s not. Finding that balance is key to this type of relationship.
9. It’s fine to be territorial, but don’t be insecure. You need to understand the difference. Territorial for the sake of protecting her is not an issue. But freaking out if she so much as says hello to someone is a huge problem. It makes you look weak and afraid. Sangi will tell you that I am very protective. Like, VERY protective. And she likes that. But I always want her to have friends, both male and female. Isolating her would just make her feel bad and that is the opposite of what I want.
10. Love your submissive for who they are, NOT who you want them to be or wish they were. Love their scars, both mental and physical. Love their eccentricities, their dreams, their silly flights of fancy. Love their hopes and their fears, love their worst moments as much as you do their best. Love their fears, love their guilty pleasures. Love every extra pound and every flaw. The supreme beauty of a D/S relationship done right is that both partners get to be exactly who they truly are around one another. Even the parts that they hide from the world are brought out in all their glory for their partner to love. If this feels like the most honest relationship you’ve ever been in, you’re doing it right.
11. Be fucking PROUD of them. Did you know Sangi recently graduated with high honors? I tell every single person I meet, because it makes me proud as hell of her. Make sure they know how proud you really are.
12. Never stop paying attention. Like, ever. This person needs to be your number one priority, because you damn sure are theirs. Don’t ever accept being your submissive’s number one without making your sub your number one.
13. Your submissive is your equal. Never, ever lose sight of that. Your sub may call you Master or Daddy or Sir or any number of other titles. There may be times when they are begging you to cum while chained to your bed. But your submissive is never beneath you. Ever. They are your equal partner in all things.
14. Never forget the power your submissive has over you. The submissive controls the relationship by choosing to submit. They always control it by continuing to choose to submit. They can choose not to submit at any time, and at that point your illusion of control will vanish quickly. So understand you only have what power your submissive grants you, which means you need to always prove yourself worthy of that power. Every single day.
15. Honor your submissive. Your submissive is giving of themselves for your pleasure. Never lose sight of that. Never lose sight of the extreme amount of discipline and strength it takes to fully submit your body and mind to someone. Your submissive is probably the strongest person you know.
16. Understand that rules and protocols can and should change over time. If a particular rule is no longer needed, get rid of it. If something is not serving its intended purpose, modify it. Always ask for your submissive’s input in these decisions.
17. You can, and you will, make mistakes. Owning up to them is crucial. Learning from them is even more so. A true dominant knows when they are wrong and isn’t afraid to admit it.
18. Remember your purpose. It isn’t “to get your way”. It isn’t command and control. Your ultimate purpose is to calm your submissive’s mind. Your ultimate purpose is to help them feel purpose and direction. That is your role. That role can take many forms, but that role never changes.
I could easily write more of these, but I feel like I’m getting long-winded and I’m probably coming off as self-indulgent here. Look, I’m not the expert on all things Dom. Nobody really is. There are a million different ways to be a good dominant. As long as you and your submissive feel happy and fulfilled in your roles, that’s all that really matters.
Best of luck to you, and please feel free to reach out anytime you have specific questions.
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