BLOG OF SHAME

All the pervy stories that @NotARingRat can't fit into 140 characters on Twitter. You'll laugh; you'll cry; you'll masturbate while reading it. Some names have been changed to protect the innocent.... @NotARingRat (formerly @2ndCitySaint) is a 30-something female, former chef in Southern Ontario. These are her stories from the wacky world of dating and sex. Things you need to know: she likes the internet, beards, pro-wrestling, the Montreal Canadiens; she's insensitive, offensive and a pervert extraordinaire. Recurring Posts • Real Life Girl Struggles • Things You Shouldn't Say At Work Praise for the Blog "...it's so twisted, & fucked up, it's heartbreakingly hilarious & sexy." ~ @getoffendedbone "[...] reads like a @chuckpalahniuk novel! Very funny, sexy, gross, and entertaining. All hail the #pervertextraordinaire." ~ @nobodysloss "Great stuff I read it with my arm in my hand!" ~ @vancemeek "Whoever said that your blog was like reading a Chuck Palahniuk novel (one of my favorite authors), was dead on balls accurate." ~ @dwkii "If Marla from Fight Club had a blog, it would look like yours." ~ @CMPunkSays

[pervertextraordinaire]

Real-Life Girl Struggles - Chapter 48: Shoes

I really wish my winter boots cut my heels in the same spot my summer flats do so that I didn’t have to break my feet back in twice a year.

[pervertextraordinaire]

Things You Shouldn’t Say At Work (Part 72)

“I prefer an 8 but I appreciate when a 6 feels like an 8.”

Me.

[pervertextraordinaire]

Things You Shouldn’t Say At Work (Part 71)

[context: on the drive to work I was telling my buddy how I pretty much only get laid once a year these days]

[later at work]

Coworker: How does your box look?

[she meant my email box]

Me: Given the information I gave you earlier about frequency, I think you can guess the state of my box.

[I was not talking about the email box]

[pervertextraordinaire]

Things You Shouldn’t Say At Work (Part 70)

[Context: had an extra case of fresh fish come in that we had to try to sell off]

Me: Nobody wants to buy my snapper :(

[pervertextraordinaire]

Things You Shouldn’t Say At Work (Part 69)

Coworker: Austin Watson’s suspension for beating his wife was reduced from 27 games to 18.

Me: Why? Did they find out she was into it?

[pervertextraordinaire]

Things You Shouldn’t Say At Work (Part 68)

Me: This isn’t a tong-job; This is a hand-job.

[pervertextraordinaire]

‪New Tinder profile: I’m rehabbing an ankle injury, so I have a bit of a limp at the moment. I used to be self conscious about it around guys, but then I realized: if you’re doing you’re job properly, I should have trouble walking anyway 😉‬

[garbage-empress]

[jesus-lizard-journal]

“do you fucking mind” 

[pervertextraordinaire]

GPOY

[pervertextraordinaire]

Real-Life Girl Struggles - Chapter 43: Spotting

‪Vagina: I know we're not supposed to start our period for a week but I'm gonna give you some heavy spotting today.‬

‪Me: It's cool. I have a pad in my bag‬; I'm actually prepared. I'll go throw that on right now.

Vagina: Oh, well, never mind then.

[pervertextraordinaire]

Have you cum today?

In fact, I have.

[rbcages]

One. You see her for the first time and she’ll walk right past you like you are a crack in the wall and she is a skyscraper with her head so high in the air and when you can’t sleep you’ll think about the way her eyes strayed into yours for a moment too long before breaking away and disappearing into the crowd of people. Two. She’ll look both ways before telling you she loves you under her breath and when she hugs you her eyes scan the empty room as if the walls had eyes and ears and mouths that could give you away. Three. When she’s curled up on your lap shaking with mismatched breaths you’ll wonder how someone who looked like she carried mountains on her shoulders could crumble so easily in your arms like the tornado in her mind finally hit her and knocked her off her feet. Four. In half-light she’ll run her fingers over your arms like she is reading words carved into your skin, binding them together into the perfect metaphor and you’ll hear it playback in your head at 4am when your head runs wild with thoughts of her. Five. You’ll find a safe haven on rooftops and abandoned rooms where she’ll set fire to your insides with hushed breaths between kisses planted perfectly on your lips and make you wonder how dangerous it is to play with wild flames while your body is made of paper. Six. You’ll stare God right in the eye and tell him that if loving her was a sin then you want no place in heaven with him because the way her lips fit perfectly on your neck is a type of paradise you’ll never forget.

The six stages of falling in love with her. // by rb (via rbcages)

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I never thought of your pics as porn actually but seeing an unedited shot of your tits or you sucking on a cock would be amazing.

Keep dreaming ✌🏻🙃

[pervertextraordinaire]

Is it strange that I jerk off looking at your pics?

No? That's the whole point of "porn" isn't it?

[pervertextraordinaire]

Would you rather take a load on your face or your tits?

Tits, always. Again, do you even read this blog 😂 lol.

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First millenials "brought back" the 90s, then the 70s, now the 50s. Pretty soon white nationalism and nuclear war will be passé and hipsters will be burning witches at the stake again.

[pervertextraordinaire]

My biggest dilemma on Tinder.

[pervertextraordinaire]

Do cum from having your ass eaten?

No.