Axiom of Equality

Peter | he/him | KorAme

[peter1rose]

Finally made my way over to Balfour Books. Such a charming little bookshop.

Photos of my time in Toronto.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

[peter1rose]

I miss posting here. I have some photos from my trip to San Francisco from before I became extremely ill. I'm finally well enough to be at my desk for small stretches of time, so I am hoping to edit them soon. More calories are getting a little easier to stomach, but I'm just getting by nutritionally. I always get messages when I post, asking if I'm okay. I struggle to respond a lot of the time. I'm sorry about that.

I feel uneasy thinking about and admitting that I began feeling ill in mid-May. I feel so afraid that whatever dream I had was true, and what that could mean for my perception of my childhood trauma. I can't seem to stop thinking about the timing and to what degree this disease has ravaged my life. Most of the time I try to ignore it. Focus on my immediate wants and problems. The dead can't help me clear my debt after all. The past cannot reshape the present.

[peter1rose]

"I was nothing but the sum of those parts. The lump of rotting meat from which they oozed was the only me there was."

- Han Kang | Human Acts

[peter1rose]

It's been such an odd year for me, but not unexpected. It's all been repeats of previous years, but with worse symptoms, worse finances, worse debt. I fall again and again into a now-habitual loneliness as my illness makes me thinner, more tired, and more bitter.

I'm 102 pounds and my organs squirm whenever I eat. I lay in bed and torment myself with images and experiences of food I will probably never have again, as I try to grieve the person I was pre-hospitalization. My life feels like it's ending, but I can still draw. It's my only anchor right now, so I continue to try to eat. I line up all my vitamins and medications every morning as my last line of defense, hoping to stave off the malnutrition just enough to keep proper nerve function. And on days I'm too tired to make it to my desk, I endlessly search for any means to manage, or miraculously cure, my ailment.

In reality, I should be doing everything in my power to acquire sufficient medical care. Bills have officially run through the last of my funds and my employment was terminated due to economic issues. I'm too sick to work, not sick enough to collect benefits, and too poor to get proper care to get well enough to work. I've run to my friends and family for help as much as I feel like I can. The guilt torments me. I've hit a wall.

[peter1rose]

I've gotten extremely ill.. haven't been able to stomach food in a week. I've lost ten pounds and am extremely underweight. I feel like a skeleton. I feel like im dying.

[peter1rose]

I was hospitalized and a few days ago discharged. I am so nervous about my recovery. I would do anything not to go back.

[peter1rose]

I've gotten extremely ill.. haven't been able to stomach food in a week. I've lost ten pounds and am extremely underweight. I feel like a skeleton. I feel like im dying.

[peter1rose]

About a year ago I had a dream. It was a normal day chatting with friends when I suddenly spotted someone that died when I was a child. He told me something would happen on May 17th this year. I'm afraid now that the day draws close.

[peter1rose]

I was disappointed I couldn't grab photos during my D.C. trip that suited this blog, so I made a point to do so today in San Francisco! Excited to edit them later. On another note I have been meeting with some friends and peers from previous contracts and discussing writing and our passions. It's been such a wonderful first day.

[random-brushstrokes]

Igor Popov - Before Work (1966)

[peter1rose]

Michelle Zauner | Time Magazine: Time Off Opener

[peter1rose]

Café work day. Making notes, discussing writing.

[peter1rose]

I flew into D.C. to "network" and attend some educational panels in my field. I dislike calling it networking since it feels so disingenuous. I've loved meeting so many other creative people and learning more about those in my industry. It's been so enlightening, refreshing, and validating. I'm hoping I can spend my last day here grabbing some pictures of the museums and architecture!

[peter1rose]

Just arrived in the mail. I've heard a lot about The Vegetarian and I'm looking forward to reading it.

[peter1rose]

Currently reading...

[peter1rose]

I think I've spent the last four years ruining every relationship I have.

[peter1rose]

I feel so confused.