my (cptsd) journal

Like if you read for all the posts i make. im 22

[thingsfromthedirt]

[texaschainsawmascara]

Aloha from Hell - Richard Kadrey / unknown / I Can Fly - Lana Del Rey / Alejandro Jodorowsky / Cut - Catherine Lacey / How’d Your Parents Die Again? - Fatimah Asghar / Margaret Atwood / Courtney Love Prays To Oregon - Clementine von Radics

[pinky-bone]

I'm not sure what to do like I don't have any money but I'd rather be homeless then stay here I WILL kill myself to escape this abuse without a fucking thought

[pinky-bone]

if I have to stay here any longer I'm going to lose all the weight I managed to gain and then I'll probably kill myself

[pinky-bone]

I'm so fucking sensitive I'm mad at myself we were only talking for a month and I'm crying my fuckin eyes out

these people make me feel disgusting about myself

[pinky-bone]

I need to focus on my actual goals for the future instead of this lie I'm living with her

[pinky-bone]

this sense of rejection is sending me into overdrive

[pinky-bone]

I'm so mad I can't sleep

[pinky-bone]

I'm not sure if being really overwhelmed is adding to this feeling but I don't feel loved or appreciated. I feel like a huge fucking inconvenience to the people I care about most and I just want to vanish. my life feels like a slow crawl towards nothing. I am nothing and I mean nothing. I am an inconvenience to my boyfriend to my family and to the people I see every day. they say otherwise but their actions tell me. I don't want to leave my apartment. my black mold infested cockroach filled apartment.

[infpisme]

Unlike other forms of psychological disorders, the core issue in trauma is reality.

Bessel A. van der Kolk, Traumatic Stress: The Effects of Overwhelming Experience on Mind, Body, and Society

[pinky-bone]

I've been lying about when and how much I eat while simultaneously trying desperately to gain weight. I'm just too tired to try sometimes. I feel like I've been giving my all in some areas of my life, giving it all to some people then I'm done and I get nothing back then I go to bed. I wake up and I do the same thing over again. I think I might have gained some pounds in the last couple months but it feels futile. do I have to chose between health and my ethics? my health and my relationships ? I want to disappear, as if that would even fix anything. I'm a broken record my heart aches my ears are doing the thing they did at conversion therapy where I'm so stressed my hearing is starting to turn off. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. I acted like everything was perfect and now I have to pay for that

[pinky-bone]

maybe I wasn't splitting maybe I'm upset

[pinky-bone]

sometimes it feels like I'm immune to having bpd like I've done work and I just have other issues now with a personality disorder that I'll always have but then I split on someone I love and

[julykings]

i watch myself sleep / more

[humanwithnohead]

“My wound existed before me; I was born to embody it.”

— Joë Bousquet  (via mirroir)

[faeriedreams]

*deletes u from my weather app bc I don’t care if you’re a little chilly anymore 😡*

[pinky-bone]

Im the thinnest I've ever been even tho I've actively been trying to gain weight. -.- chronic pain + chronic fatigue kicking my butt. I'm starting some new meds for fatigue and I'm gonna see a doctor about my general health soon but this is such a FUCKING bummer. I'm trying I'm trying