The source of crushing self-doubt during the PhD
Am I doing the right thing at the right time?
What if I am wasting my time?
What if I am betraying my own potential?
What if I am just bad a this thing that I thought I wanted since childhood?
Why is wrong with me, that I can’t flourish like all my friends?
If there’s one thing that this experience has given me, it’s that I know I can function through the darkest periods that my mind can create. But as I type this, I am again questioning myself: what if this is just a symptom of my lack of ability? What if I am just giving myself excuses for poor performance?
I hate that I can’t truly be happy for my friends’ success. I hate being plagued with what-ifs that reach back to when I first picked up a pipette during my Master’s. I hate this constant need for external validation.
I am so confused these days, there are times I genuinely only getting that Nature/Science paper will make me confident again and make all of this worth it. That the approval of my supervisors will make me happy. All this makes me jealous and afraid of any progress my colleagues make.
One more year.














