Who is Tumblr? What is she?

[burgerlords]

Is mayonnaise on instrument

Mayonnaise is on third, and instrument is resting. 

Friends, please smoke responsibly.  What else?

[dimlylitmealsforone]

Legitimate businessman and import/exporter hatebeams slipped me this one wrapped in a filthy banknote:

'I just couldn't be fucked. instant noodles, a chopped bok choy, sliced cocktail franks and a scattering of wasabi peas and it was gross'

I’m going to go out on a limb and say you’re probably not meant to rehydrate wasabi peas, especially not with hotdog water. That’s a real good way to get sick.

[jonathanob]

Fourteen Fantastic First Lines

They say the first line is one of the most important parts of a book*. Get it right and the readers’ eyes are all yours, get it wrong and they’ll start looking around, distracted by the feet of strangers or two birds fighting over a sandwich.

Over on our Instagram account (here, follow it here) we’ve been asking people for the first lines that have grabbed them. So, along with a few of our own personal favourites, and a pleasingly alliterative title, here are fourteen fantastic first lines.

Read More

[thisdanobrien]

BREAKING BAD FINALE SCRIPT LEAKED

[pixiewolf22]

Online Dating: Advising the Unadvisable, or "My Penis is Illiterate"

So as you may or may not know, my darling Hubzord-To-Be and I met on OKCupid. Even though we are very, very much off the market, we wanted to spread the word that online dating worked for us. We know it can be SUPER rough to sift through the the bullshit of the Internet, and finding your true love is a fluke, but we wanted to give people who wander across our profiles hope and let them know that it CAN happen. So in this spirit, we've left our profiles up for the past two years (the statuses changed to "seeing someone" because no engagement status exists for some reason) along with yearly one-paragraph updates at the top with each other's handles clearly indicated so people can cross check for verification.  I've actually received quite a few lovely messages from people who read these passages, thanking us for reigniting their fire in searching for someone to love. Which is awesome! But more often, I'll just get the slapdash cut-and-paste "Hey, you're cute, you wanna go out sometime? You seem like a fun girl" messages from guys who don't take even a moment to read my profile and try to see if we'd actually be compatible. This is fine, it's expected, I know this is how a lot of dudes use OKC. But I also know there's just no way this can garner any positive results. Or rather, maybe once in a blue moon they'll have sent their canned email to some girl who doesn't mind that a guy just peeped her pictures (I mean, maybe she's just looking for a hookup, too), but I'm inclined to believe this isn't a method that works in general. Very, VERY rarely do I ever respond to these emails, because 1.) Not worth my time, obvs, and 2.) There's just no point, because I know exactly how the conversation will go. The rare times I *have* tried to gently turn this into a teachable moment, you can always expect the same exact response. Today was one of those times.

Hey, how's it going? I took a look at your profile and I think we should talk some time and get to know each other a little bit better. See if there is a connection, ya know?

2% Enemy78% Friend92% MatchMessage from 

  Jul 22, 2013 – 8:12am Me:

Just some friendly advice: Girls can tell when you're not treating them as individuals, which we don't like. For instance, I can tell you didn't "take a look at my profile", because if you had, you'd see that I just got engaged, which it says in the very first paragraph. You'll do better on here if you actually try to, you know, individualize things a bit. Actually read a profile. Get to know a girl. Good luck! :-)

Jul 22, 2013 – 8:14am

Sorry BUT this is a dating site. Not a site for married people. So instead of giving me hypocritical advice, why dont you delete your dating profile, and worry about your already doomed marriage. INSTEAD of leaving that door open in case something better comes along on OkCupid. I bet women dont like being called a bitch either. Bitch.

Jul 22, 2013 – 11:37am Me: Lol, alright, good luck with online dating! If you read my profile, you'll see why it's still up. I was just giving friendly advice from someone who's had a successful relationship on here. I wish you every happiness. :-) Yeah, it's really sad, but I also kind of love it because it really is THE SAME EXACT SCRIPT EVERY TIME. EVERY SINGLE ONE of these guys immediately accuse me of cheating. Even though you can literally read Trey's handle and go to his profile and see he's giving *the exact same reasons I am* for leaving his profile up, it doesn't matter. My advice immediately enrages them.  I have at least 3 other messages that followed this format to a T. So here's my version: Guy: Hey, what's up. We should go out sometime, you seem like an interesting girl. Me: Hi! I'm actually taken (which my profile does clearly say right at the top), but just a little advice, you should really try reading these girls' profiles and try to make your messages fit their interests a little. Girls like to be noticed as individuals. Good luck! :-) Guy: FUCK YOU FOR NOT WANTING TO SLEEP WITH ME! YOU'RE TRYING TO SCAM ON YOUR BOYFRIEND AND WAIT FOR SOMEONE BETTER ON HERE!!! HAVE FUN IN YOUR OBVIOUSLY MISERABLE RELATIONSHIP!!! Me: Soooo you're not going to read anyone's profile. K. Good luck! :-) "RAOAOAOAOROAORARRRR HOW DARE YOU ASK ME TO READ THINGS!!! WHAT HAS READING EVER DONE FOR MY PENIS?!?!" Love it.

[slaughterhouse90210]

“The revving heart of my hopefulness, kicked into gear anew, is the most precious thing about me, I refuse to vilify it.” ― Jonathan Lethem, Men and Cartoons

[pixiewolf22]

Yes. Yes yes yes.

[zodiacsociety]

Pisces Facts

[pixiewolf22]

Yuuup. Cusp baby.

[theclearlydope]

WORTH READING: Paul Miller went without the Internet for a year so we didn’t have to. 

via The Verge

[amypoehler]

[theclearlydope]

Friday is brought to you by Queen Amy. 

[azspot]

There is no such thing as not voting; you either vote by voting, or you vote by staying home and tacitly doubling the value of some Diehard’s vote.

David Foster Wallace

gottavote.com

(via barackobama)

[fuckyeahbostonterriers]

Frank the iPhone muncher.

[imaginonsensemble-deactivated20]

A lovely story about Romney/Ryan.

[pixiewolf22]

YUP. lizdexia:

This is the best, most concise explanation of the past four years ever.

[pixiewolf22]

[theclearlydope]

Thanks mom.

[sekiya]

[theclearlydope]

No lady of mine goes home without a slice.

(If I ever write a book, that will be that will be the title.)

[imremembering]

My friend Ken Reid  just got this in the mail from Donkey Lips himself. He wrote him 18 years ago. Jelly?

[pixiewolf22]

Buttermilk!