[playacts]

personal venting blog for a system (v2) and primarily run by eden. i’m a saparata fictive and i use he/she, bodily a minor. i’ll talk about source stuff here but also things regarding us as a collective or irl things will also be brought up so be warned. tagging system under cut and stuff

#private means don’t read or interact

#personal means it’s a vent (sometimes i wont add the keep reading thing so really you can just filter out the tag i think if you want)

#source well this one is self explanatory

thanks

additionally if any of my headmates decide to use this account for stuff theyll use emoji signoffs but probably not include their names… my emoji is 🕊️ and will be referred to as that in their posts or just saps

im a whole 17 years old if someone finds this dont be weird. if you recognize my name 1. no you dont and 2. if you ever got told something different from what i write on here it was a lie. mentally unstable and stunted

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paranoid again. they have our privtwt so i'm here. i hate it whenever i feel like maybe someone's copying us. they're not faking systemhood i'm sure but they're

this is the same feeling we had with choir and harmony back in that server. this is. the same signs too. am i going insane

also

everything. reminds me of him. i hate looking at any source things or whatever's related to it because of him everywhere. us as a duo. it makes me want to tear my skin off. it makes me want.to. run back to him

because he's. right. right? it wasnt. he wasnt an abuser. maybe he should have done worse maybe id feel more.validated.

and now people around me are reminding me of him endlessly i dont want to get close to anyone i want to run ihave to get out of every friendship i have out of fear ill trust them and then they'll just end up like him

hate.

i hate my source

i can never trust anyone ever again what's wrong with me whats happening

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i want to disallow saps from posting about our mother here. are you serious man

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micro is irresponsible we slept for 2 days straight i can't feel my legs

i hope it passes soon. andrew is irresponsible too but i can't fault him as much because i am just as bad. i can't front in these conditions. i basically am just a presence most of the time because i'll be too unstable if i main properly

i

i miss my mom. i want my mom . she hasn't wanted me in a very long time

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lately we've been talking to cres less which is. terrifying . i can't stomach the idea of losing them at all this was the same feeling i had with him before anything i'm so afraid i'm really so afraid i don't know what to do

i'm. the people we've been trying to surround ourselves with lately don't make us feel any better. the attention fix is just to balance us out sure but all i feel after that is empty. like it didn't mean anything other than that. im scared ill never be able to feel care again

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all i do is complain what's wrong with me

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fuck my life

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FUCK

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i forgot how much better we feel immediately whenever we speak to one of our safe persons

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revenant has been in front for a bit i'm unsettled

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WHY AM I GETTING THE FORCEMASC STUFF ON MY TL "YOU ARE A MAN. DIG. DIG. DIG" LIKE WHAT DOES THIS MEAN

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why did he actually .oh ok no need for me to mask! hi echo hi gray wow im so. wow

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i cannot trust myself i lie to myself and i am such a bad person and im masking as echo right now because i cant face her myself. flowers

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aaaahhhhh ahhh aaaahahhh. i need to shut upforever. if i was released from hthe church snd my duties i swear id be so great as a hollow 9-5 worker and dreaming of things bigger thsn me. i swear.please why canf i be normal

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im a parasite everyone stay far away from me now so i cant hurt anyone ever.im gonna throw up i cant trust or care for anyone ever again i . i forgot im not completely apathetic Curse my selective empathy and my poor judgement

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i have enough problems icant dwell on this my god we're gonna get reprogrammed by our own internal handlers at this rate cause we cant fucking get a grip . its ljke this always. we cant care about people not even ourselves unless theyre a part of the church and if they are we have to give them our all but not be too much and not be too little .im gonna throw up

theria won't front if this is another ceri situation i dont know what to do and shes the only one who can fix something around here but do i really deserve it. do we deswrve to fight at all im pretty sure if we just die righr here we'd spare another life from us just like being bad people andbbeinh the cause of so many deaths

i feel so bad. ive seen so many people die. if its me next i bet id feel less bad

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am i really that unlikeable ialresdy knew i was unloveable but i don’t think people can even tolerate me huh