혼자 @pneumonialisa - Tumblr Blog

I hope Phoenix regrets losing me. I actually committed 4 months to this. I hate him.

Everything I lied about ended up becoming true

I don’t have a lot to say about this year. I’ve spent majority of it inside, depressed and alone.

I’m gonna start using this as my dump for thoughts bc I suck at journaling and my therapist has asked me to start writing down my thoughts as they come and go. She also told me to schedule my overthinking sessions. If I wanna spiral, it’s ideal to do so before 12pm-1pm nothing after 3pm

Idk why that made me chuckle but just the thought of me crying and then an alarm going off and I immediately stop and lock in hahahaha

I also apparently need to keep track of my eating? lol I had therapy on Tuesday and haven’t written a single thing down (it’s Saturday now)

I’ll try again today!

the last time I posted on here was 6 years ago.

I read somewhere that it takes your body 7 years to completely forget someone, something about the cells in your body replacing themselves so within a certain amount of time, my body will never have been touched by anyone.

I think it’s interesting to think about that. Up until this moment I didn’t even know these thoughts, ideas and feelings still existed on here. Memories and painful experiences I once poured my heart out about on here I no longer hold in high regard.

It’s funny how time works like that.

early this morning albert told me he took a xan. he lied to me about not having any drugs other than weed. he lied to me about drinking water when we was actually drinking alcohol. he’s so mean to me

im always there for him when he needs me yet he always pushes me away. when he gets angry he tells me to fuck off and never come back again, yet expects me to stay.

after everything im still the only one apologising. he doesn’t seem to realise how mean he’s being to me. even though I tell him I’m upset and he can hear me crying he just pretends to not care. or maybe he’s not pretending.

I don’t know what it is about him. he craves constant validation and has terrible control issues. but can I blame him? he used to like hundreds of photos of half naked girls in bikinis and it turned me into a control freak. I used to click on my explore to see what he’s liked. I would find something new everyday. id go on a random girls ig and find him in the likes or comments. this is what made me controlling in the beginning. however, I hated myself for doing it. I was aware of how ugly it was to be jealous over the past, and overtime I trained myself to stop.

is it bad that part of me is beginning to resent him? every single time he makes me cry, calls me names, controls me, belittles me... my love for him lessens.

why do I want to be with someone that only hurts me? is it worth the pain? even after everything ive been through i stay.

why? am i afraid of losing someone else i love? i guess ill never know.

growing up, i was taught that forgiveness is love.

when Jesus Christ was ridiculed and tortured for doing what was right, he forgave those people.

forgiveness isn’t something that’s learned. it’s something that’s felt.

after everything that my dad has done to me and my family, i still forgive him because i can’t live my life in resent. that will mean that he’s won.

finding peace and happiness can’t be achieved if you’re holding so much hatred in your heart.

he doesn’t understand that. he believes that if people make decisions knowingly, then they don’t deserve to be forgiven. i know that’s why he’s so unhappy. sometimes I feel like he’ll never forgive me. part of me feels like he doesn’t even love me. like he’s in this relationship in spite of me. so he can hurt me back.

I wish I wasn’t here. I just want this to end.

some part of me wishes I never met him. I want to be with him and I want to spend my life with him but the person I fell inlove with doesn’t exist anymore.

he’s spiteful and rude. even my family hates him. I hope one day he regrets everything.

today I feel like dying.

somehow i can’t seem to stop overthinking. I’m usually really good at suppressing my jealousy and anger by listening to good music or thinking about how much he loves me.

but then I look at the photos of girls he used to like. those aren’t casual likes if they’re reoccurring. I hate myself more and more.

I just want to cry myself to death.

I hate this. why did I keep looking?

why did I continuously find more accounts... I hope he knows he caused this. I hate him.

I’m insecure, I’m jealous and I’m ugly!

Training myself to remember that jealousy is an ugly trait but am I wrong?

Am I wrong for feeling the way I do? Is it natural to feel this way. To hate someone you’ve never met before over a like??? WhAt does it all really mean?

I wish I never knew.

today I feel loved.

I can’t stop thinking about the day lockdown is over. I just want to be with him.

The more and more I think about my baby, the more worth it everything is.

he’s worth it. the fights, the tears & the pain.

he’s worth everything and I’ll make sure I give him that.

I want to fucking dieeeeee

I hate it here

I fucking hate him I hate him so much

I hope he feels bad

I fucking hate him I want to kill myself