9:27 A.M

Maybe more high school students should consider going into journalism.

[zzzze]

Ernst Haas New York,1952 / Medium: Chromogenic print

[poeticleigh]

**I'm gonna go ahead & stick a trigger warning here. This poems unfinished, won't be revisited anytime soon.** I told my mom once that I had this ache under my skin. She told me not to worry, but I'm not sure she knew what I meant. My blood boils now, constantly I just want to forget I've been sleeping on the couch 'cause we have the same size bed The boy who sat three rows back in chemistry wore the same scent as you 5th period became a reminder so I stopped going to school. The boy I love vowed to kill the man, Yet demanded I hide the proof broken vessels, he wrote his story, my skin screamed the truth

[poeticleigh]

Dear mom, I turned down ice yesterday and felt so damn proud. I wanted to tell you 'cause, I know you don't look at me the same since I moved out. I fell asleep in my own bed last night and I swear I dreamed of a sober life. My boss could count on me, I was awake when I came around. Your dog can tell when I'm all strung out. I'm not sure if you ever noticed, but she leaves the room if I'm high at your house. I had this thought like, I'll visit soon and she'll let me pet her and I won't even need to mention it 'cause, you'll know I'm clean by the way my voice sounds. I woke up this morning to the sunrise blinding my eyes. I remembered how I used to sit and watch it, after so many sleepless nights. I remembered how once I watched the sun's full rotation around the earth two times 'cause, I kept redosing to maintain that high. I'm not sure if it was when I pushed off the covers, or finally got out of bed but, I felt this coldness that kinda made me forget. Mom I love you so much, you raised me right, there's just something wrong in my head Like, I woke up this morning, a few hours have passed I wanted to come by today But the sun's about to set again

[poeticleigh]

How to start a prayer Dear Lord, The thunder outside sounds like gunshots I was wondering if you could shoot me with one of your bullets? I'd like to eat it, with a side of pity of the life I've lived I'll pay ya my last $10 to do it I'll trade you pack to tell my mom I love her And I'll throw in a gram if you damn my ex to hell Hell, don't even accept me into heaven I'm sure the Devil would love a new pal

[poeticleigh]

I'm still listening to the same poets who inspired me long ago. They were hooked on words, like I'm hooked like a fish with the bobber in its throat.

excerpt from a night I won't remember

[poeticleigh]

I swear I don't want to be here but yes please I'll take another hit is it just me, or is the room getting smaller? like, do you feel the walls caving in?

excerpt from a night I won't remember

[poeticleigh]

Let's fuck like there's value in sex we can't remember and the diamonds we'll never recieve hell, let's get married in a cemetery with ice on our wedding rings

[poeticleigh]

No matter where I’m heading, direction is suggestion. North is but a theory if my toes are pointing west.

[poeticleigh]

I’m not a poet while sober I’m a Jumbled mess of slurred word, Vowels blurred by a shaking tongue My mind and my mouth do not connect My system fails unless fueled with man-made substance Sure, I could see a doctor But he’d just prescribe me more meds When amphetamines aren’t clouding my veins, Benzos do the job instead

[poeticleigh]

Coffee and speed and cigarettes and weed My lungs are deflated and I can hardly breathe I didn’t eat dinner, never got into bed Acid rains inside my head Puddles and rivers and waterfalls There’s a calmness within it all Bite down hard and tune your ears Take a hit and abandon all fear

[poeticleigh]

I used to draw the people I love but in the past nine months, I've not tried to sketch you once. I tell myself to feel the words I whisper in your ear but the best lies are told drunk. You bring me liquor every night and I'm starting to think you're trying to burn my throat. You want affection when I'm sober and are seeking revenge on these notes.

[poeticleigh]

I have given myself to a boy who has already left me twice Because I loved him enough to take him back When he asked to make things right I try to emphasize with him when he tries to belittle me I shine a pretty light on his little lies and tell myself that’s not what he means Lately, I’ve been taking it out on him Then telling myself I’m insane I lie to myself Because he’s trying;I’m the one being mean.

[poeticleigh]

I lean back in the passengers seat and shut my eyes, for the first time it seems, since Monday. My bones shake and I become hollow as the intensity of any sensation begins to decline. The need for sleep coldly consumes my body then silences me, like a mother rocking her sick child. Seconds pass by and god, it feels like years and then, lightning strikes. The drugs come up and I see lasers and the back of my eyelids become a light show. A curtain is lifted and the world shoots through like a bullet. My ears tune into the surrounding sounds and I grow hypnotized by the staccato beat of your fingertips striking your keyboard as you type a story about the reality of our existence. The speed of my heart corresponds to the speed of your hands. My frequency accelerates while I imagine all of my neurons implode. There's an itch on my brain and the room begins to spin and I begin to worry that you and the glow you are producing are not real. My eyes shoot open and I reach for my phone, and begin to describe these obsessive thoughts in my head. I'm frantic, but I hide it. I pull a blanket tightly around my shoulders and try to find comfort in imaging that is you. I listen. You flick the engine on and I flick the cherry out my cigarette. The world around me opens and my vision becomes clear. I am aware, laying in a broken state of mind. just trying to enjoy the high.

[poeticleigh]

Six months ago I became my own psychology experiment. In half a year, I tried pretty much every drug you can name. Now, I cannot wake up in the morning without a few amphetamines in my system. There is no coming back from the violence and situations I was placed in as a result of my actions. I don't know how to help myself. I want to die. I drained every part of me for a few hours of happiness a night and that scares the living fuck out of me.

[poeticleigh]

Apart of growing up is experiencing fantasies you had as a child.

When I was 7, I wanted nothing more than to be in love and to be loved.

When I was 17, I woke up for the first time knowing I was completely in love with my sleeping partners face.

I dreamed of friends and in high school, all of mine were college students

and I was regarded as “cool” because I partied every week with them.

I wanted to succeed and I wanted you to know, little one, that no one here is telling you that you have done good.

In kindergarten, I dreamed of growing up to one day be a teacher

But I’m failing all of my classes and am detested by my leaders.

I take pills too fall asleep and even more to get me through

I’m a walking bag of manmade chemicals

I am no longer myself; I have no home to run too

I did herion in a parking garage when I was 18, then didn’t stop doing heroin for the next 6 months.

The first time I stuck a needle in my arm, the childlike fear that grows in the doctors flashed before my eyes.. Then I felt none.

My lover left me and I blamed my tongue

Its the only knife I have that could destroy what I built when I was young.

But I have more bullets loaded in a pipe

I’m shooting them at myself

The pain is so soothing, I can’t cry out for help.

I haven’t been to school in a week but, Im learning.

I’m sad but I’m making ends meet.

These text books and essays taught me the way of the streets.

And I’m wondering if it’s always this tragic, when the suffering nameless try to get back on their feet.

Do u know how hard it is to not sit down and smoke a bowl

At this point, the grass can be synthetic I do not care.

My mom would tell you it started when she started finding resin covered knives in the sink

But I know it began the day I was born, and breathed in the air

I got the notion that there was something missing, there.

So when I was 13

I found the power of potion

And let the spells cast by these witches be my daily devotion.

You’d think I may have learned by now.

But you, the accused.

Substance abuse has made me unafraid of death And fire And losing my friends

And has taught me to selfish with no remorse And how to improvise And to worship cruise control while I’m speeding down the course.

I’m more handy now, and a little bit more synthetic

[poeticleigh]

I don't understand how people can be happy without drugs; I don't remember what it's like to be happy and sober.

[poeticleigh]

I miss waking up in the morning and just being happy to be alive. Getting out of bed, being greeted with the sunshine, and drinking a hot cup of coffee was the epitome of bliss. Now, the first thoughts I have in the morning are about when I can go back to sleep. My curtains are pulled and that coffee has been replaced by a bowl and a lighter. I have begun to live inside myself. It’s like, no light can get inside of me. I don’t notice things anymore. I can’t solve my own problems. And I can’t remember last week. My memory has been failing me and each day, that frightens me a little bit more than the last. I wish I could forget that I was forgetting.