[polareyed]

beyond the mainstream

“Part of my thesis when I was still in art school was to attend gigs in Manila for roughly a year. I had fun being a wallflower in those events. Incidentally, after passing my thesis and graduating university, a friend lent me her DVD copy of Almost Famous. To this day, I'm thankful for my old friend's timely movie recommendation. Watching the film at that point of my life was a sweet ending to a year of learning, growth, and intimacy with this side of Philippine music.....”

you can click on this link (https://www.behance.net/gallery/103614829/Beyond-the-Mainstream) to see the photos i took and the whole “blog”..? not sure what to call it!

photos taken by 20-yr-old polareyed, words written by 27-yr-old polareyed (and still there might be typos) 

[polareyed]

i almost lost my hearing.

the day i found out i was going to lose it anytime, i realised how i failed to really cherish the simplest blessings of life. naturally, i asked God, why? i know He is purposeful with everything. even suffering. i asked for prayers but my soul was grieved. i love listening to music, i enjoy silence... i love everything about the ability to hear! but listening to music wasn’t permissible and wasn’t really enjoyable. silence was/is unachievable--there is a loud ringing in my ear. it grows louder in quiet places.

i asked myself if i used my ability to hear to the fullest. all 27 years. did i take it for granted? did i use it for good? then i turned to the future and had questions like, until when will i be able hear laughter? what does silence sound like when you can’t hear anymore? will i hear him say i do?

tears. lots of ‘em.

my soul had nowhere else to run.

i turned to His word; i was comforted. God assured me that it’ll all be okay. if i lose my hearing or if i keep it. i am still functional. i can still help, i can still be there for people. i’m still here. and i will still hear Him—He assured me that i’ve already been truly healed. healed from my shame. healed from my sins.

He opened my eyes to the sufferings of others. friends, family, people all over the world, losing their loved ones. there are others who have it far worse than what i’m going through. what i’m losing will never compare to the loss they’ve experienced. but as a believer, i was reminded..what is all this suffering i’m experiencing compared to the glory that awaits me in Heaven—where my body will be finally renewed. this is a chance for me to exercise my faith. God loves me, but values my soul and spirit more. this body, with or without the ability to hear, will come to pass.

Romans 8: 18-25 (18 For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worthy to be compared with the glory that is to be revealed to us. 19 For the anxious longing of the creation waits eagerly for the revealing of the sons of God. 20 For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, [a]in hope 21 that the creation itself also will be set free from its slavery to corruption into the freedom of the glory of the children of God. 22 For we know that the whole creation groans and suffers the pains of childbirth together until now. 23 And not only this, but also we ourselves, having the first fruits of the Spirit, even we ourselves groan within ourselves, waiting eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our body. 24 For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.)

today, more than one month later, i can still hear. my left ear is 100% okay. the pressure and infection in my middle ear is gone. i don’t know how much time i have left with my right ear. could be days, could be years. i’m doing my part in taking care of it. the day it loses its ability to function, i will probably cry and cry and cry. but really, there’s very much more to life (: i’m choosing to hope. and the object of my hope is in Him and His word.

thank you to all my beautiful family, friends, and prayer partners. you guys have been awesome company for my soul. everyone has enough trouble on their plates this 2020 but you took the time to encourage, grieve and pray with me. i praise God for putting every single one of you in my life. i hope that i can be there for you too when the suffering is beyond words. i want to pray and intercede on your behalf too. maybe we could heal together..? we can trust and hope together (:

ANYWAY i love listening to this track! it’s an instrumental version of a song that i love. here are some of the lyrics. (the track is just so captivating. it takes me to a different world~~)

Grander earth has quaked before Moved by the sound of His voice Seas that are shaken and stirred Can be calmed and broken for my regard

And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You And through it all, through it all It is well

And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You And it is well with me

And far be it from me to not believe Even when my eyes can't see And this mountain that's in front of me Will be thrown into the midst of the sea

And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You So let go my soul and trust in Him The waves and wind still know His name

And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You And through it all, through it all It is well Lord And through it all, through it all My eyes are on You And it is well with me

[polareyed]

Arc North x Polarbearz - Together Now (ft. Camilla Neideman)

just a beautiful song with a beautiful video. people i worked with when i was still active in production made this video! i’m so proud of them! i heard this won an award already! maybe i’m being biased but i really think they gave this beautiful track justice! like, they added to the track’s awesomeness! congrats to the actors and the team! great forking job! (sooo many exclamation marks in this post haha)

[polareyed]

i guess i just needed a reason to update this. can’t believe it’s december of 2019 already!

i wasn’t able to do much personal illustrations this year. i feel like i played around in the kitchen more than with my pen and paper. the visual art stuff i did were mostly for work.

so these are just doodles of my friends--already on my instagram but for the sake of posting something here.....lol. i didn’t plan this out or anything. like, i didn’t have a “draw my friends” project. but maybe i should for practice??!

top: naomi (i took this photo of her that i’m pretty proud of and decided to doodle it)

the one with the dude was a birthday gift to my friend who loves exo.

the third one’s my birthday buddy/travel buddy from last march.

anyhoo, (do people still say anyhoo) to whoever’s reading this, i hope you’re day/evening’s alright. if it’s not, take a breather. and if by any chance, you want me to doodle you, hit me up on instagram! i need to practice (; merry Christmas in advance!

sincerely,

polaaaaaa

[polareyed]

“hope gardener”

so i joined my first drawing contest ever. the theme was “fantasy job”. because it was so broad, it took me a while to think of a subject. somehow, i ended up making the hope gardener. the week after i started this, something really trying happened to our family. then work became more challenging; i barely had the time and energy to draw. i’m happy i pushed myself. i’m happy i’m even sharing about this here because i’m still pretty shy and insecure about my personal art WAHAHA but yeah good job @polareyed (also, thank you to my friends who are so intentional in encouraging me to try things. i appreciate it, really!)

if you could like it on facebook, that would be great (: https://www.facebook.com/celsys.clipstudiopaint/photos/a.1175443659329014/1191271427746237/?type=3&theater

there are about 700 entries so far. they’re pretty rad. i liked this one!!: https://www.facebook.com/celsys.clipstudiopaint/photos/a.1175443659329014/1186041374935909/?type=3&theater

my work qualifying was an answered prayer yaaaay

[polareyed]

today was both disappointing and amusing.

my uncle is about to have a triple bypass and we need 15 blood donors. i mustered up the courage to go to the blood bank this morning to get my first blood extraction evahh (pls read this the way bretman rock says it). i’m pretty healthy so i was expecting to pass the health test. and i did. i was pretty proud of how my lifestyle could help save my uncle. but lo and behold, my veins were thinner than the needle for the extraction. i was so deflated. it took me about 2 days to gain the courage to face that needle man! i bugged my friends a lot, asking for prayers, messaging them my inner monologues etc. but hey, my veins said no.

i tried to laugh it off with my family but my pride found it difficult to accept my inadequacy to donate. “i could’ve gotten a tattoo all this time!?” i said. lol, as if. i’m too scared of needles. that incident sprouted anxiety it’s insane what our mind can do. stuff like, what if my dad needed the blood? or my sister? or my mom? i’d hate to be so useless. but it’s a sin to worry. so in prayer, i’m letting it all go. forgiving my self for how i am. how i was made. my “uselessness”.

i got so stressed after the rejection, i had to get a haircut—a post blood donation failure act. this time with a different stylist. different from the one who’s been cutting my hair all my life. and i’m happy i did it! my friend who came a long with me also got a haircut.

and here begins the amusing part of this blog/narrative/irresponsible online oversharing thing

while my friend was getting her hair done, an east asian looking guy with a pretty cool hairstyle came in with the warmest smile. we were conversing with the stylist—exchanging social media— when he seated himself next to us. we learned that he had the same stylist as my friend’s. so we chatted him a bit (the language barrier was real) and asked if he was on instagram. he said no because he was from china. we all laughed at our ignorance. then my friend asked him if our country was being mean to him. if it was a thumbs up or thumbs down living in our country. now, i don’t know if he was just being polite but we got a thumbs up. 

i usually find it such a delight to interact with people from different cultures. it’s a conscious and constant effort not to typecast or stereotype cultures, but when you’re there interacting with that single person with an open mind, it’s amazing to see his/her individuality. oh yeah, for the heck of it we took a photo together.

again, today was both disappointing and amusing.

ps i learned the importance if blood donating today. and how hard and humbling it is to actually ask people for blood. knowing that you can never repay that blood. to the people who donated to my uncle, and to those who were willing but can’t as well. thank you! we still need 13 bags. trusting that angels will come our way.

to those who are privileged to donate. you are so blessed. i wish i was eligible too. you have no idea, until you get to the receiving end, how noble it is to donate

[polareyed]

Hats off to Wit Studio. The latest episode of Attack on Titan was too epic, my heartbeat was insane! I had to make myself a cup of tea to calm down haha. The unraveling of each story arc since season 1 has been so tastefully written and animated. The soundtrack keeps evolving and it’s beautiful (my favourite track has 24mil views on yt) So far, this show has been my favourite to follow in my 20+ years existence lol. If I die today put this on my epitaph 😹

I know not a lot of people won’t watch it because it’s a cartoon. I’ve always been kinda fond the exclusivity 😹 i could be so selfish 😅 but I wish more people would watch it! The creators deserve it 🌸 I have friends who started watching anime because of this show! It’s pretty awesome!

Had to watch Gilmore Girls after to calm le nerves 😹

*If you want to repost my art, kindly mention/tag me. (ig: @poalreyed) thanks!

[polareyed]

here’s the second version of this doodle because i accidentally deleted the original right when i was about to export the file. this quick draw was supposed to make me feel relaxed lol but when it happened i just stood up, ate a snack, then redrew everything. i prefer how i did it in the first version but we all know that’s gone lol

[polareyed]

would be so great if they could give us one more season for closure. especially on mr. ball legs!

[polareyed]

hey tumblr. did this on procrastinate! i mean procreate. haha. one of the first things i drew since i got an ipad last year. every episode since episode one has been in.sane. couldn’t be happier for season 3 part 2!

[polareyed]

(from an ig post last year! felt like posting it here too!: https://www.instagram.com/p/BoOxf0YAQtl/) 

i enjoyed watching the hunchback of notre dame growing up because of the jester, the gargoyles and the ost. last july, i rewatched it and got amused with how this disney film is such a good representation of society then and now. my favourite takeaway after rewatching was how imperfect the world and the characters were. there was good and bad in the church, government, and within all classes of people. Frollo was a good example of a passionate leader who personalises the definition of good and evil. he claimed to be a just man of God and of the law but when it came down to it, he turned to his own standards of good and evil. disregarding the law of God and of his land for his own personal gain, at the cost of people’s lives. if lust didn’t work for frollo it did for phoebus lol when he turned that lust into love. his crush for esmeralda led him to realise the responsibility of his position in power. esmeralda had the purest of intentions for society. she hated frollo and generalised the government as an evil body. but from that very government came her saviours who eventually became her bf and bff lol who were incidentally frollo’s very own servant and soldier. then there’s quazi of course, who faced so many inner battles! it was interesting how in the end after all the chaos, it was a child who took the first step towards change when really it was an issue amongst the adults. didn’t see these things when i was a kid! all that being said my fave is still clopin LOL. rewatch it some time too!

[polareyed]

[polareyed]

fragments of my first fall

[polareyed]

The Perfect Insider: Subete ga “F” ni Naru (Everything becomes “F”)

i stumbled upon this mystery anime about three years ago and i still find it very unique and underrated. the opening and ending them are sick! the art style isn’t what i’m accustomed to but adds to the peculiar calmness the feel of the show has. the whole show feels like the beginning of a horror movie where in you can't fully allow yourself to empathize with the characters because you know something dark looms even in merry scenes. i definitely had a nightmare about the amputated corpse from this show! i recommended this to my cousin after watching it and i still haven’t met anyone else who's seen this show! if you end up reading this (i know for a fact that close to 0 people read this now and i kinda like it that's probably why i'm on here again instead of livejournal) give the show a whirl! message me here or on instagram if you did. if these cool videos won't convince you to watch then i don't know what will!

[polareyed]

some doodles on my ipad

[polareyed]

My Kyoto ghoul, Naomi-san! Thanks for meeting me all the way in Fukuoka this time! So blessed to have this friend of mine suddenly present herself to meet me in my first ever personal solo trip/retreat. It was good having company for at least a few days.

It’s just really been one heck of a year. Inner battles, work challenges, loss.. it’s all beautiful and painful. Looking forward to posting more photos from the trip soon. Been a while since I held a camera. Been too lazy to peer through a viewfinder. Not proud of this! I’ve been such a grandmother these past few years. I’ve just been really enjoying “experiencing” than making sure I have a good angle or exposure. But my memory is easy to forget these blessings so I figured it’ll be good to take a few snaps. Pretty sure no one’s using tumblr anymore but it feels good to talk to myself here. Have a good one!

[polareyed]

minami-san and doraemon