Fearless (13/x)
Pairing: Dodge Mason x Female OC
Summary: Dodge wasn't gonna lose Josie too. He promised himself he wasn't gonna let Panic destroy their relationship as the game took a personal toll on him. Past and present collide in the unexpected exposure of the player’s motivations.
Warnings: Minor Explicit Language, Violence, Mentions of Substance Abuse
Word Count: 6.9k
Disclaimer
I do not own the series of Panic or the characters. This is a slight AU of Season 1.
Masterlist || I. PANIC || XII. TENSE
XIII. RETURNS
"Wanna tell me what happened?" Sheriff Cortez probes her chiefly.
Sitting nervously in a chair at the sheriff's department across Cortez, Josie starts to recall the events of last night. From Ray jumping on Bishop and Heather, to Josie jumping in to defend them, to Luke hitting her, to Dodge jumping in to defend her, and Luke choking Dodge.
"So all of that happened in a span of an hour?"
"Luke was beating and choking the life out of him. He could've died." She crossed her arms, defensively. "I wasn't gonna sit back and watch him do that."
She froze in fear. She still got goosebumps remembering Dodge's state. His wheezing and coughing blood as Luke continued to strangle him. How his brown-blue eyes suddenly turned red and his skin turned pale white almost losing all its life. Even remembering what Dodge failed to tell her, she would've never imagined losing him like that. Even if she was against his idea of revenge, part of her impulse realized she might do the same for him or anyone else.
"Witnesses say that you pulled a gun on his head." He reads off the report.
"I-It was a rock." Josie lies under her breath. "A rock?" He raised his brow. She tried to nod calmly. "It was pretty dark. Maybe they didn't see it right."
Taking off his hat, Cortez loudly sighs as he scratches his middle-aged hair. "I did warn Dodge not to get distracted. Must've been why Luke Hall got the jump on him." He pinched the bridge of his nose. His stare studied narrowly towards Josie like she did something wrong. "But that's fine, I guess. Because he did it to save you."
She didn't know how to react to Cortez complementing Dodge's heroic, but impulsive, action. He wanted to be proud but the bitter smile he wiped across his face contrastingly told otherwise.
"Why are you only dealing with me?" Josie huffed, upset. "What about Luke? Won't you talk to him?"
"I'll deal with him later. Don't worry about that."
"So how is Dodge? Is he- is he doing alright?" He rests his elbow on the table, leaning and in the thought of the Mason boy's condition.
"I don't know." Josie looks down at her fidgeting fingers.
The cops Bishop called came to the scene a few minutes later. Most of the teenagers in the drive-in dispersed after the cops arrived except for the group who only wandered cautiously as they took a look at Dodge's wounds and escorted them home. That was the last time Josie had seen Dodge. She took the ride home with the nice police lady who told her she needed to visit the department in the morning.
Josie spent the whole night staring dazed at the ceiling of her bedroom and melancholically shifting her gaze to the spot beside her that felt so empty without him. Neither bothered to call the other. Maybe it was the jitters of what just happened. Maybe it was also avoiding talking to each other because they knew they'd have to talk about what Dodge said eventually.
"I haven't seen him." Her throat felt dry saying it. She bites her lower lip, trying to hold back emotions.
"Maybe that's for the best if you know what's good for you. Wanna keep some distance from each other just to be safe."
"What are you saying, sheriff?" She questioned the man who pretentiously sunk into his desk chair.
"He's been here a year. No trouble. No bruises. He's been keeping his head down. Now, he's getting into fights. Whatever's going on between you and your friends-"
"Luke Hall is not my friend."
"Well- whatever's going on, I don't want Dodge to get involved in it. I'm not saying it's your fault but I'm just trying to look out for him. Y'know, he's like a son to me." The man surmised. "I wouldn't want to put him in harm's way as much as you do."
His words felt like a shove to an edge of a cliff. He said he didn't blame her but his expression sure did so. His scowl covered up behind ailed looks made her stomach pit in misery and discomfort. Another feeling of it being her fault. With his odd closeness with the Mason family, Josie believed that she was dragging him down with her.
"Can I go now?" She impatiently says.
"Yes. Yeah, sure."
The girl immediately stood up and stomped towards the door, departing the space of Cortez's desk before he called out her name once more. "Josie..." Her steps stopped, turning back around. "If there's any problem, be sure to go to me. Alright."
"I'll keep that in mind, sheriff." She faked a smile.
As the teenage girl left the room, irateness transformed his face. Frustratingly running his palm across his face in a disgruntled slouch on his swirling chair. He nearly slammed his hand on the table after hearing what Luke did to the boy. Luke wasn't gonna mess up his boy, not when he's so close to winning it for them. Cortez wasn't gonna let Dodge make the same mistake his son, Jimmy, did. He wasn't gonna let him throw away the game and the money just for some silly young love the boy would probably forget either way. The Mason boy wasn't gonna drop now. Not when they're so close. ----
Trudging through her workplace as she rashly classifies history novels, bewilderment struck her. Ms. Nina continued to ask her what was bothering her but continued to fail to express the reason. There were times she would love the sound of her being right but this time, she wanted Dodge to prove her wrong. When pieces started to fit into her mind, all she wanted was Dodge to tell her otherwise and that her thinking was getting the best of her.
She felt mad. She felt crossed. She felt-
"I thought I might find you here."
Turning around, she found the Mason boy standing conservatively near the double glass doors with his hands in his pockets. She missed him but she didn't want to see him. Josie tried to avoid him by going further to the bookshelves, drowning herself in tasks.
"Josie," Dodge calls out, following her. "Josie." She ignores him again. "Josie!" He pitched his voice.
"Shhh." The girl shushes him, a finger on her lips, and her eyes enlarged. "Keep quiet!"
Just before she could run away and ignore him again, he clutches her arm desperately. "I need to talk to you, Jo."
"But I don't want to."
"Josie, please just listen-"
"Why couldn't you just tell me?" She slumped.
She thought for a while that Dodge wasn't telling her something. And the whole time, she convinced herself that it wasn't a big deal. Josie would make excuses that would ease her mind. She'd say that if it's something, he'd tell her because he trusts her. She leaped and decided to take a chance, but the person she thought would be the last one to withhold something from her proved her wrong.
"A part of me wanted to tell you the truth about this whole thing, but that also meant putting you in harm's way so I didn't. I wasn't gonna drag you into this. That's why I told Cortez that-"
"So Cortez knows too." She wanted to laugh out of frustration. "He's in on this?!"
"SHHH." Her slightly raised tone received a pausing shush from an older man across from them.
"Cortez's been helping us from the get-go. He's been trying to bring charges against Luke to the D.A. for some time."
"And you trust him?"
He doesn't, Dodge answered. But Cortez was the only one who helped them with Dayna's case and who told them it was Luke. He's been a big help to them for months. Under the circumstances, Dodge had to trust him. It was the only way to get Luke to jail.
"Heather knows people are gambling on Panic. We also found out that Luke is part of it too. We think Luke might be in charge." Josie informs.
She felt like punching his unfazed expression. Humming in response and setting his sights on the soles of his shoes or the interesting contents of the floor. Josie laughs ironically.
"You're not surprised." She says, biting the inside of her cheek spitefully. "Because you already knew, didn't you?" Josie felt like an idiot.
"Cortez suspected ever since he found out about Panic, but he didn't know enough about the game or how it worked in order to build a case. So he needed a way in." The boy spoiled, not being able to meet her eyes.
"So you've been helping him too. Were you spying on us the whole time? How about the cops during the game, did you guys plan that too?" She couldn't help but accuse and speculate at the moment. Arms crossed, she narrowly gazed at the boy as her skin boils.
"Even when I'm working with Cortez, I'm still in the dark about the game just like all of you."
"But that's the thing. You're not playing to win. You're playing for revenge."
"That's winning for me."
"It's not illegal to gamble in Texas. But it is a felony to be the house. That's how we're going to catch him. If I win, we can prove that Luke is getting a kickback as the bookie. That's what Cortez needs."
"This is the only way," Dodge said.
"So it's really been all a game for you."
"I-" He ran out of breath. "I've been trying to win."
She couldn't recognize him. The boy who she believed that she knew to her core felt unfamiliar now. His eyes were now filled with rage and misery. His shoulders carry the weights he's been drowning with. It hurts to look at him.
The Mason boy's phone lit up in notification. A message from Panic sparks up stating: TUMBLEWEED HOLLOW, 10 P.M.
Both knew what it meant.
"Guess you have to go." Josie exhales in exhaustion and sadness.
"Good luck, Dodge Mason. I really hope you win this one." She stuttered. Immediately walking away, swallowing the emotions bottling up in her chest and now evident in her eyes.
Dodge was scared of telling her. He knew she'd react this way. But he didn't anticipate how much it hurt happening in reality. He anticipated that she would turn away from him. Maybe that was a good thing. She doesn't have to be in harm's way and he wouldn't lose her any more than he already did. He lost people that he cared about. He almost lost Dayna. And for that split second Luke Hall smeared his hand across Josie's face, an instinct rose into Dodge, screaming that he wasn't gonna let Luke take her away from him. Dodge wasn't gonna lose Josie too. He promised himself he wasn't gonna let Panic destroy their relationship. But it didn't. He did.
Giving her one final look, he solemnly took his steps towards the exit and left.
Josie buried her head in the novels and books piled up in front of her. Wiping the sniffs off her nose, distracting herself through work. Ms. Nina trolled up beside her, pulling the girl into conversation after seeing her hunched shoulders.
"Was that your boyfriend? He seems like a sweet boy." The woman jilts her chin, a sly grin on her face.
"You never even met him."
"What happened to his face?" She asks, observing the cut on the boy's lip and the blue-purple bruise atop his right eye. Josie had her lips pulled into a straight line. "He got into a fight 'cause an asshole shoved me. They both started punching and things just went out of hand. Dodge really shouldn't have. It was my fault anyway."
"I doubt he thinks that, Josie." The Slater girl felt comfort in the gentle squeeze toward her hand. Ms. Nina always had an aspect for saying the right things to reassure people. "Only love makes you that crazy, hon. And that damn stupid."
"He does do a lot of stupid things." She releases a chuckle.
"He's been keeping this secret from me and I don't know I just got mad."
"Why?"
"Because it's not the first time people don't tell me the truth just to spare me from getting hurt. They think they're protecting me or saving me, but it really just makes things worse." Josie bemoaned.
"Nothing feels real anymore."
Josie wasn't delicate. She was defensive.
It wasn't the first time someone lied to her, hid things from her, or only told her half-truths. Truth be told, she got used to it. Her mother used to have this habit of telling her she'll be gone for an hour but in reality, it's code for goodbye forever. She'd wander around the front door, waiting for her to come back any second. And those seconds turn into years. Josie just never really expected it from him. The guy who dared her to break her walls of trust issues and take a risk. Perhaps she was scared that she wouldn't notice the half-truths and lies in the future. As the world keeps changing, maybe just like her mother, he'll leave her all of the sudden. ----
The Slater girl drove rushingly with a fueled temper in her brain to Ray Hall's place after receiving a threatening text from an unknown number which she can only assume to be Luke. After finishing her work for the day, her phone vibrated in her pocket as she walked along the streets of the town. She looked around warily as if someone was watching her.
"HEY!"
Josie screams aloud, grabbing the attention of the younger Hall fixing up scraps laid out in front of their porch. Ray's expression grew baffled as he turned around seeing the girl carelessly parking her car and stomping her way toward him furiously. The next thing he knew, she grabbed the rusty metal fences he was carrying and threw them away on the ground.
"Tell Luke to stop whatever shit he's playing!"
"What are you talking about?"
"If he thinks he can scare me to back out of Panic, he has a bullet coming in his head."
His once boring mood changed into an active one. The sound of her threat whispered alarms in his head. Moving defensively near the space, he raised his tone. "What the fuck are you talking about, Josie?" Ray questioned. Fishing the phone out of her pocket, she showed him the message that only sparked confusion in the boy.
THE BETS ARE IN. THE GAME IS ON.
QUIT NOW, IF YOU KNOW WHAT'S GOOD FOR YOU.
"I don't know what the hell this is." He tossed the phone back to her.
"Oh please." Josie scoffs. "I know what you and Luke are up to."
"I know Luke's running bets on Panic and you're in on it. Fixing the game like your brother did last year."
"If I was fixing the game, I'd be winning," Ray yelled out, both smugly and rationally. If he wanted to fix the game, he would've made himself the winner from the beginning. He wouldn't need to go through lengths just to get to the next round.
"Y'know someone's gonna come down on Luke for what he did to Dodge's sister." She heaved, treading intimidatingly towards him. "Tell me something, what kind of animal leaves a girl on the road like that."
"What do you mean Dodge's sister?" His face paled in confusion.
"She's gonna be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, Ray. But I guess that's just the whole family way. Leave a girl on the road to die." Josie shrugs.
"You think your family's so perfect?" Ray snorts. "Your mom was a junkie. And the only reason you started hanging out with Tyler and me was 'cause she needed some more." Josie froze on the spot after hearing him utter the mention of her mother.
She felt ashamed looking back at her desperate attempt to get together with Ray just because he was Tyler's friend and, even if she loathed to admit it, she liked him. Her mom was addicted and she seemed to only make it worse. Josie would also smuggle some for herself.
"That's the difference between you and me. I don't try to lie away the worst parts of myself." She gulped as Ray looked her straight in the eye. "One of us makes it all the way to the finish line and the other one fucking chokes."
"You know what your problem is?" She exhaled with a sharp tinge on her face. "You could be walking with a blindfold on, staring at the pictures that are going on in your head. And you'd be convinced that your eyes were wide fucking open. You gotta know what to be afraid of. When to be afraid of it. And you gotta know the difference. Every decision is dangerous when you're wearing a blindfold."
"Come clean about what Luke is doing and maybe Cortez won't come down on you too."
"Did it ever bother you that this whole thing is a complete cliche?" The boy muttered exhaustingly as he sat on the steps of the porch.
"Fine, go to jail with him. I don't fucking care. Be my guest."
Josie turns around heading for her car, not wasting more sweat on the guy who wouldn't listen to her. If he wants to be stubborn, then so be it. She had nothing to lose on that. Before unlocking the car door, he stops her.
"Dodge? H-How is he?" Ray asks.
"Breathing."
"How are you?"
"I'm good." She plainly says, getting in the car and turning on the ignition. Josie couldn't help but feel slightly awed at Ray's concern.
"You're seriously gonna drag yourself into this, Josie?"
"I just want things to be fair." She says. "Tell your brother to stop messing with me or he's gonna get another thing coming." The dark-haired girl warns before driving off.
Ray rested his arms on top of his head as he looked up at the sky feeling torn. Many emotions are running into him right now. Mixed of astonished and betrayed at another fucked up thing Luke did. His brother was an asshole who did stupid shit, Ray admits that. But it still shocks him that things like these continue to surprise him and that some part of him still wants to defend the only family he had left. ----
Dodge surveyed his sights as he pulled up on an almost abandoned ranch with dark twigs and cut-down trees atop and below the wooden houses. Probably doesn't seem abandoned under the daylight. He deeply exhales, cracking his knuckles, frantically running his hand across his face, minding the bruise under his eye. If there is anything he's not in the mood for, it's this. Dodge has been stressing about his individual challenge for weeks and now it's here on impeccably terrible timing. After Cortez found out somehow, he chastised him to keep his head in the game. That this was his only chance.
Shutting the engine off, he spots Summer sitting seriously on the edge of the wooden steps, bowing her cowboy-hat-filled head intricately while waiting for him to show up.
"Howdy, stranger." She stood and greets.
"You're the welcoming committee?"
"At least you don't have to pay for admission." She quips.
Dodge heeded right behind her as she went deeper into the place. He studied the almost unending space of the ranch. The tall boy wanted to roll his eyes. The setting is quite elaborate for an individual challenge. Probably because, unlike everybody else, they had nothing on him. Psychological or emotional torture wouldn't work on him.
Stopping in front of a sign, he reads.
"Tumbleweed Maze?" Dodge chucked. "I'm almost offended."
"The judges...they're looking for a specific key. You have one hour. Find it and you're in." Summer advised. "And keep it moving, because every minute you spend looking, that's just another point you won't get."
"In three, two, one."
Unenthusiastically at first, the Mason boy quickened his steps forward going into the maze. As soon as he left, Summer couldn't cover the grin on her face anymore. He had no idea what was coming.
Unfazed, he trailed across poorly structured wooden boundaries they'd call a maze. Some walls broke. Some intact. The dimly lit lanterns kept his vision from going sore. From the corner of his eye, he could spot some crap and trash on the ground. The smell was inevitable and the insects trilling in the background were the only ones keeping him company. He followed surely and undoubtedly. Left, right, left, right, right, left, and another left. Dodge got out of that maze easily. But he didn't walk confidently. That wasn't the challenge yet.
Exiting the maze, his eyes grew partly wider seeing a bigger setting right in front of him. The wooden houses seemed endless. There was fog coming out of the corner. The world was lit dark so he didn't know if his sights were betraying him.
Dodge kept his direction straight. If he squinted his eyes, he could see the shining silhouette peering from the barn door opening from across the ranch. Immediately sprinting towards there, he didn't want to waste any more time and wanted to get this over with.
"Shit." He muttered.
Opening the wooden doors, he nearly stumbled backward. His mind got busy and his judgment was tested seeing a thousand or maybe millions of keys hanging from the ceiling with a thread. At every step, he saw different-looking ones scattered all over the floor of the empty barn.
Walking closer to the middle, he sharply exhaled in annoyance at the twisted humor of the judges they liked to call a game.
"Hello? Is someone there?"
Dodge froze as his eyes grew wide. His breath hitched in dread as he recognized that voice. He heard that sound every day for nineteen years of his life. The one who would tell him bedtime stories and calm him down in the middle of a storm. The voice that sang to him lullabies and lulls him to distraction whenever their parents would argue like crazy. The voice that dreaded him to shreds in that haunting night. No...It couldn't be.
"Dayna?"
"Oh, god. Please help me!" She shrilled, pleading.
"Dayna!" He crouched down to the small wooden door, knocking. "Dayna, are you in there? Can you hear me?!"
"They know about our plan!" She screamed.
"D-Dayna, it's Dodge, can you hear me?" Each word grew louder and alerted. He kept knocking on the wood, asking for a sign or a response. He taps the floorboard frantically. Grabbing and hauling the tightly latched padlock to set her free but it wouldn't budge.
"They put me down here!"
"Just be calm, okay? I'm-I'm right here." The panic in his voice echoed in the void. "I'm g-gonna, um-"
Dodge rose up to his feet hectically, nearly staggering his steps as he looked high and low for the key that would unlock the latch. At every decision, he felt unsure. At every key he set his eye on, a voice in the back of his head told him it was wrong. Dayna's frantic screams and call for help made him question everything. All he wanted to do was cover his ears, close his eyes, and ask the world to stop.
"Fuck. Fuck." He mumbles under his breath, wiping the drop of sweat dripping from his forehead. The Mason boy grabbed every single key he believed could open the trap. The metallic clinking sound echoes the room as he snatched each one. Yanking them out from the strings tied to the ceiling. Plucking them out from the ground.
He was on his knees again, using every key possible if he had to if it meant freeing his sister. "I'm gonna get you out of here, okay?" He tried reassuring her as his hands shook in anxiety. "Dayna, k-keep talking to me. Dayna, can you hear me?!" He cried out. Dodge clamored out for help from Summer, but there was no answer. He groaned in frustration, nothing seemed to work.
"Hey, this isn't funny!" He yelled aloud.
"Dayna!" Dodge screamed desperately. Red flushed in his face while his hands turned dark. Fumes grew under his nose. His heart went rapidly, battering the door again and again. Slamming his marked fists against the wood, trying to break it open if he has to. The dead silence of Dayna gave him flashbacks of the past that left him with a burning, unbearable intensity on his chest. "Fuck!"
He continued to call out to her. Now, wretchedly and defeatedly slam his foot on the wood board. Every crashing step was a desperate cry for help. Fear and panic pierced through him like a bullet. Terrible thoughts flowed through his mind just like the night of her accident. What if she doesn't make it? What if he loses her? It was his fault all over again. If only they didn't fight, maybe she wouldn't have gone off on her own that night.
Pulling the lock once more, he moved quickly as it itched, finally breaking free. Dodge opened the wooden door but just before he could sprint towards his sister, his steps halted. His mind rendered confused as his chest rose up and down, exhausted. There was no basement. No room underneath. No cage or trap, like he reckoned. It was empty. Nothing but the key hung over the small voice speaker that played Dayna's voice. She screams and pleads on repeat. Bending down, Dodge grabbed the speaker, still staring unbelievably at it as he stood. Still listening as Dayna spoke once more. He laughed. He stood there laughing. His laugh of anger grew louder and unhinged as he threw the speaker severely on the wall, smashing it into pieces.
Dodge clenched the key, which seemed to be mocking him as he looked at it, in his red blood-boiled fists. He nearly blasted the barn door shut as he exited. Nothing else filled his senses as he sauntered back to the entrance of the Tumbleweed Maze. Dodge tossed the key towards Summer who was standing carelessly near the sign waiting for him.
She checks over the timer on her phone. "That took a little longer than I expected. But congratulations. You're still on the running." Summer smirked.
"You know I gotta tell you, Summer, you got me there." The Mason boy infuriatingly chuckles. His lips released an outright grin but his gaze narrowed sharply against the girl. "Is this some fucking joke to you?"
"Don't blame the messenger, man. The judges orchestrate the whole thing."
Dodge flexed his hand, open and close. Trying to control his temper and the bullshit utterance of the judges of Panic. His shoulders rose up and down, thinking about how they got him. They got him so well, that Dodge wanted to punch himself in the gut. Them has the nerve to mess him through the important person in his life. They played with him well.
"Well, you can tell the judges to fuck off." ----
Heather strolled inside the regular young adult bar they used to dread going to when they were in high school with her head wandering contradictorily on the clouds. She didn't know why she had to be there. The place was empty and quiet but the lights still detected it open. It has Panic written all over it, what else would it be? Only the unknown message sent to her number gave her a reason to. All it said was MOTOR LODGE, 10 P.M. No more follow-up texts. No clues. Nothing but a location and a time dictated her plans for the night.
"Diggins?"
The only response to Heather's call was silence.
The brunette trudged softly. As she loomed closer to the blackboard, her brows crinkled in puzzlement reading the letters posted.
SPECIAL SCREENING TONIGHT IN THE BAR
FEATURING NATALIE WILLIAMS
INDIVIDUAL CHALLENGE
What was she doing there if it was an individual challenge? Was she part of it? Or was it some silly local prank other teens were playing on them? Heather wandered dubiously inside the establishment, surveying the unfilled and gloomy room. She lost her luck in trying to turn the lights on. Shifting her attention, Heather dragged her feet in front of the working television with a Panic symbol plastered on it.
"Swear to God, my dude, if you put porn on that screen, I'll kill you." She says to the heedful ghost watching her from afar. It was Panic. Someone was always watching.
She rested her palm on the table, waiting for the show or whatever it is they had planned for tonight. Still wondering about her purpose for being there. A need for an audience?
"Hello?"
The girl whips her body around. Her nose let out a calm exhale. Her shoulders faltered down in relaxation after seeing Natalie's familiar face walking toward her after spotting her.
"Heather." Natalie's voice went low.
The last time they spoke was when Natalie told her to back out of Panic. Both girls had fights but they always managed to get past it at the end of the day. They haven't spoken to each other since so that's why their interaction felt so awkward. Neither could meet the eyes of each other while speaking.
"What are you doing here?" Natalie asked.
"Umm...urgent summons."
"But you're not playing." Heather didn't know if it was a genuinely confused reaction or a reminder.
"I think I got invited to your individual challenge."
A jutting noise was heard from the corner of the room. Both girls squinted, awaiting for the dark figure to emerge from the shadows.
"Josie?" Natalie said, confused. The dark-haired awkwardly stepped into the room, skittishly waving at the girls. "Sup."
"What are we doing here?"
"What are you doing here?"
"A text told me to come here."
Josie's forehead creased seeing the setup television screen. "Alright seriously, if they're gonna make us watch porn or some weird snuff film, fuck it, I'm leaving."
"Are we just gonna, like, talk through your favorite movie or something? What'd your invitation say?"
"It didn't." Natalie sighed. "I just got a start time, some friendship necklace thing, and- Damn."
Just then, the grey television screen turned on. Heather and Josie's eyes went large at the screen flashing a scene of Natalie in a blindfold answering questions on the hanging train tracks while being filmed by Summer and Diggins.
"I should've brought popcorn." The brunette smiled.
"Wait a second. They were filming us?" Josie asked.
"Score! Are we gonna watch your video next, Josie?"
Natalie looked stunned, frozen in her spot with a hardened expression differing from the girls' astonished one.
"Turn it off."
"Okay, admittedly, it's not your best look."
"Turn it off." She said, "Turn it off." She repeated. Natalie dashes near the screen, searching for a remote, a cable box, a wire, an off button, anything. No. No, please.
"Nat, what's wrong?"
She turned around to the bewildered girls, tears nearly forming in her. Palpitations reached her chest and wavered her breathing. Her shoulders shook in panic and anticipation of what they were about to see as the video continued to play in the background for them to watch.
"Dodge and I made a deal. We're gonna split the money if either of us wins. Dodge probably told Josie already because he has a thing for her, but Heather doesn't know." Natalie admitted. Heather was quiet and focused.
"Because she'd be angry?" They recognized Diggins's voice in question.
"Because Heather, Josie, and I made a deal first."
"So you lied to Heather?"
"She lied to me. Besides... I don't care how many points she got at Jump. There's no way she's gonna win. She never finishes her stories. She never even applied to college. As soon as she has a chance of actually getting what she wants, she just quits."
Shifting her focused stare from the screen to her, Heather is shocked. Her mouth hung open hearing more of Natalie's words. "What am I watching?"
"Please just let me explain." Josie watched Natalie tremble at her spot. Desperation flowed down her face.
"This isn't real 'cause you wouldn't say those things about me, right Nat?"
Heather didn't know what to say. Her tiny bubble of hope that none of this was true and was just a trick of Panic was about to pop as she continued to watch. She stood there, hands crossed to her chest, shielding herself as she listened to Nat admit she sabotaged her by trapping her in the basement at Spurlock's ranch. The girl's eyes watered, heartbroken, hearing her best friend say that no one can stop 'cause no one has to. Heather wasn't a competitor. All she got was just sheer dumb luck.
"You seem to spend most of your time sabotaging Heather," Diggins spoke offscreen. "What about Josie? Why bother making a deal with her in the first place?"
Josie held her breath as her name was mentioned. Natalie's teary eyes moved to hers and all Josie thought was that she didn't know what to feel for her.
"Honestly, I'm surprised she even made it this far. I don't even know why she joined Panic in the first place. Maybe it's her last attempt to feel something that doesn't require pills. After she got clean, she got boring. But it didn't make her less useful. Josie can keep trying to make it to the final but she'll crack in the end like she always does. She always chooses to run away when things get tough. She's a coward."
"Stop it, we get it! Stop it! Stop, ok. We get it. Stop!" Natalie pleaded. Running a hand through her forehead, her breathing went rapid. She wanted to run to them. Hug them, apologize, anything that she could do to earn their forgiveness but she knew it was too late.
"Guys, please I -"
"Nice to know what you really think of me, Nat."
Josie could feel Heather's sorry eyes glancing at her from her side. The Slater girl didn't know what to do and just shifted her gaze down, sniffing and wiping the water falling from her eyes. Natalie's words felt like bullets and nails piercing through her skin. Like what basically people expected her to do, she ran out. Dashing her feet out of the bar, out of the door, and ran to her car. On her way out, she spotted Diggins watching in the corner of her eye. She felt Natalie running after her before being stopped by Diggins. What did you do, Josie overheard Natalie say.
As she drove far enough, she turned the car off. Her whole body shook in tears as her mind continued to replay Natalie's video. Her brain went as far as going back to her earlier conversation with Ray. Maybe she was lying to herself. She could try to change but it's useless. Like what Dodge said, she was acting like her mother. Something she feared and dreaded happening.
-----
As the ignition went down low, Josie sat inside the parked car blatantly staring into space consumed with her own thoughts. She buried her head into her hands, exhaling slowly. She had a long day. All she was eager to do was sink into her bed. Drown herself into the blankets and pillows or read a book if she can't do that. She tried to distract herself by reminding herself once more that she needed to clean her room. Giving herself the effort to get out of the car and walk through the porch, she beamed for a moment, peering through the curtains and seeing the house lights on. Josie couldn't wait to talk to Nick about the day she had. Walking through the porch, she hurriedly pushed the front door open, not knowing what was waiting for her.
"Hey!" Josie tried to add some light to her voice. "Nick, are you home?" She searches the living room before seeing him seated at the kitchen table.
"Anyways, are we gonna order in tonight 'cause I don't really feel like cooking-"
Josie stopped speaking immediately and fixed her gaze on the familiar person sitting across from her brother. A face she prayed she would never see once more. A face she wants to forget. The person who has hurt her the most throughout the years. The woman abandoned her family in the middle of an unfamiliar place after their father passed away.
"What is she doing here?" Josie asks Nick. Not even sparing a glance at her mother. "I said, what the fuck is SHE doing here, Nick?!" She yelled. Nick heaved a sigh at his sister's unsurprising reaction.
Josie could describe their relationship as strained. It's been five years since they last saw their mother. For a while, he'd check up on their mom if he can manage to find her. The last time they ever spoke surprised him. That time, it was her who reached out to him. She sounded good. There was a feeling of optimism again that Josie would remind him to shut off.
"She came here to see us."
"You're really falling for that again. Seriously?" Josie laughingly scoffed. "Are you sure she's here to see us or do you mean the cabinet where we keep all the money?"
"Josie."
"What?" She raised out her arms. "I'm just pointing out the facts. That's what she did the last time." Josie bit the inside of her cheek. She held her breath as she could feel the tears forming in her eyes. She wasn't gonna cry in front of this woman. She promised herself that she wasn't gonna waste her tears on her anymore.
"She's sober, Josie. She's been clean. All she wants is to apologize."
"Not the first time I've heard that." She defensively crossed her arms. "All she does is lie, Nick! Why can't you see that?!"
Josie, I'm sorry. Josie, I've missed you. Josie, I'm better now. Josie, I'm right here. Those were the words she'd hear often. The apologies and the promises that meant nothing to the person saying it. Josie felt so stupid to believe such promises. It took her a long time to learn how to not fall for those tricks again. But every time she tries to open her heart, the world around her always gives her a chance to speculate.
She remembered the time when her mom called her and revisited her home in the middle of the night. Her mother was unrecognizable back then. Her clothes disheveled, the bags under her eyes were dark, her hair looked like it hadn't been washed. She saw the scars on her arms that Josie was too young to understand. But despite that, she let her in. At the crack of dawn, she left like she wasn't even there.
"I should leave."
"That was quicker than I expected. You beat your last record." She mockingly claps as her mom stood from her seat.
"I just wanted to see how the two of you are doing."
"Oh! How very nice of you to think of us." Josie derisively says. "As you can see, we're doing just fine. I would've cleaned the house but I didn't know when you would show up whenever it was convenient for you."
"You know, I think about you two all the time."
For a second there, she drifted back to her childhood. There was that sweet tone Josie recalled that talked to her, sang to her, and assured her that everything was gonna be alright. The genuineness of her expression made Josie miss her. She missed her mom. Josie fought against the idea in her mind of wanting her back.
"I think that's guilt," Josie said halfheartedly.
"I understand that you're here to make amends or whatever shitty reason you crawled back in here. But if you think we can just forgive you for putting us through hell when you left and we're going act like some big happy family, then you're fucking wrong." She stated.
"If you were any smarter…" Nick tries to get a hold of Josie's forwarding stride but she manages to escape his grip. Holding in the tears and looking her in the eye, Josie refused to blink. She wasn't gonna falter. She wasn't gonna let her hurt her again. "Never come back here again."
Not looking back, Josie stomped her way into her room. Her feet increased their pace just enough to get her out of there. The other Slaters glanced in her direction. Nick bowed his head down in disappointment as he heard his little sister slam the door shut.
Josie wanted to run. She wanted to run away. She didn't know where but all she knew was that she needed to get away from there. She paced around her room, her feet growing restless, her heart pounding loudly like soldiers marching on the ground, and her arms growing tired as it rests above her head. Josie wanted to scream. Screaming so loud that the world would just fall apart like she is. Her hands fell on her knees as her sobs filled her surroundings. She clutched her chest as she let out the mixed frustration and sadness in her system. Her breath hitches as she closed her eyes, letting the tears fall. Seeing the emptiness surrounding her, Josie allowed her body fell forward, drowning in self tears and misery.
