I have so much fear right now I feel as though I cannot do anything else but be afraid...like a dear in headlights, but this fear isn't instinctual.
No, this...this is learned, practiced, like I've rehearsed it over and over again, delicately, to perfection.
I am a ballerina preforming a program I've practiced since childhood, delicately mastering the control of my muscles, as not to take a single step out of place.
My trembles have all been felt before, the pain in my chest is nothing new, and the pit in my stomach, that horrificly familiar nausea? A visitor so frequent, it is almost welcomed by my body as a natural state of being.
There is...one difference in this specific instance of fear, though...that might be the my horrifying part of all.
This time...the news articles are real.
The possibility of a real, true war is real
This time someone I know, someone I love could be deployed...someone who might not even love me back, and...if he is deployed I may never know.
I can't expect him to give me an answer right now, let alone if that were to happen! He has so many people to worry about right now and I feel I am likely, justly low on that list.
I'm in pain all the time and I now know that will never go away, no matter what.
I have sabotaged one of the best relationships of my life because I didn't expect my actions to have consequences.
He is hurting, because of so many things right now, and because of my inability to cope, properly express emotions, and fear of rejection , I have become one of them.
Every day things on the news get worse, scarier, more grotesque in ways I didn't even think were possible.
I watch these events unfold and I cry, I tell people about them, I voice my fear, often times I am met with phrases such as "That's not real.", "That would never actually go through.", and "They would never actually get away with that!" All of them are followed with a sentiment of "stop worrying" or that there's nothing I can do.
This dose nothing to stop my worrying, and when these things do end up happening, no one even acknowledges that I was brushed off, and treated as though my comments were meaningless.
Sometimes...I do find my self pondering if they're right.
What if all of my worrying is pointless, and there's nothing any of us can do?
I think that notion is even more terrifying than all previous ones, because if that's the case now...there's no point in anything.
No point in trying to fix things, or better oneself...no point in...life itself, really.
Maybe...that is the truth.
Right now, I'm unsure if any of this matters either way.
Even if that is the case then I still had every right to worry, even if it's not, I still do.
Right now I am in my room on my bed, in pain, writing on the internet for a few folks to see...hoping someone might appreciate it or get something out of it.
germansingergirl
dailybridgerton
yousharknotpass
stormborns
2087
ellievsbear
prguitarman
