Polyamory

Loving is living. Loving more, can wonderfully blissful or a living nightmare.

[polyamzeal]

[showtimechamaco]

[safitheartist]

Power move.

[newtgeiszler]

one of the most aesthetically beautiful displays of protest i’ve seen

[biandprobablyhigh223]

[onlinecounsellingcollege]

The Key Ingredients of a Happy and Healthy Relationship

1. Giving and receiving unconditional love

2. Having a solid friendship

3. A commitment to understand each other, and each other’s perspective on things

4. Having a relationship that is built on trust

5. Having, and demonstrating, genuine respect for one another

6. Sharing common values

7. Maintaining open communication, and making time to talk and share what’s on your heart

8. Not assuming you can read each other’s mind

9. Being able to disagree and argue in a respectful way

10. Relationship decisions are discussed and made jointly

11.   Sharing laughter and fun

12.   Doing things you enjoy together

13.   Supporting each other’s individual interests (whether we share those interest or not)

14.   Being willing to give and take, to be flexible and to compromise at times

15.   Having time apart as well as together; having separate friends that you see on your own.

[polyamory]

I would add “Assuming good intent.” That’s about the only assumption I believe is a good one.

[polyamory]

What would it be called or considered if only 1 person in 3 is dating multiple partners? Ex. S is dating J and T. But J is only dating S. And T is only daying S.

That is a “Vee” dynamic. With S at the point.

VEE: Colloquial A polyamorous relationship involving three people, in which one person is romantically or sexually involved with two partners who are not romantically or sexually involved with each other. See also triad, pivot; See related quad, N.

Source: https://www.morethantwo.com/polyglossary.html

[polyamorous-intentions]

The Relationship Bill of Rights You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt: In all intimate relationships: -to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation -to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want -to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time -to be told the truth -to say no to requests -to hold and express differing points of view -to feel all your emotions -to feel and communicate your emotions and needs -to set boundaries concerning your privacy needs -to set clear limits on the obligations you will make -to seek balance between what you give to the relationship and what is given back to you -to know that your partner will work with you to resolve problems that arise -to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship -to grow and change -to make mistakes -to end a relationship In poly relationships: -to decide how many partners you want -to choose your own partners -to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take -to choose the level of time and investment you will offer to each partner -to understand clearly any rules that will apply to your relationship before entering into it -to discuss with your partners decisions that affect you -to have time alone with each of your partners -to enjoy passion and special moments with each of your partners In a poly network: -to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with your partners’ other partners -to be treated with courtesy -to seek compromise -to have relationships with people, not with relationships -to have plans made with your partner be respected; for instance, not changed at the last minute for trivial reasons -to be treated as a peer of every other person, not as a subordinate

Morethantwo.com (via polyamorous-intentions)

And there is also the bill of rights for secondaries

[sleepy-skittles]

Write diverse polyamory

Write couples that date people together.  Write couples dating other couples.  Write three people finding each other and deciding it works.  Write two people that fall in love with the same person, but not each other.  Write people whose relationship is more complicated, more undefined.  Write triads and quads and Vs with aromantic and asexual characters.  Write how characters navigate important discussions about gender and romance and sexuality.

Write relationships that don’t tie up in a nice, neat triangle or box.  Sometimes one person is in a triad, but also has someone else they love very much and start to date outside of that relationship.  Sometimes one person’s dating someone who’s dating someone else who’s dating someone else, and nothing ties up nicely and neatly.  Sometimes there are large groups that cluster together, with individualized dynamics that they simplify for other people as “we’re all dating” because it takes too long to explain to a passing stranger.

Write polyamorous relationships forming, or things not working out in the end.  It’s okay.  Sometimes things don’t work.  Polyamorous relationships are just like every other relationship in that if there isn’t open communication, things can fall apart.  It’s sometimes even more true of polyamorous relationships.  Jealousy can be real.  Awkwardness, too.  That’s okay.  Things are sometimes complicated and unhappy.  It doesn’t invalidate polyamory any more than monogamous relationships not working out does.

Write marriages that don’t go down on paper in the record books, because it’s not a simple couple, but that still mean the world to the people who are exchanging rings and vows.  Write first kisses and first dates and first “I love you”s and first times sharing a bed not big enough for everyone.  

There’s a big, wide world of polyamory unexplored by fic, just waiting to be written.  Don’t be afraid.  

Write diverse polyamory.

[polyamory]

Beautifully put.

[unlearning-monogamy]

“The three of us”

Polyamory is hard. Caring about more than one person is hard. Navigating the interests and needs of more than one person is hard. Romance and intimacy and love and all these additional factors make it even harder, and sometimes it feels like more than we can handle. Sometimes we say,

“Logically I know why, but sometimes I feel like ‘why can’t we just do monogamy?’”

I love big. I have a lot of love inside me, and it belongs to more than one person. Inside of me, it doesn’t feel ‘divided’ or ‘distributed’ or ‘rationed’ or really separate in any way at all. To me, it all just feels like love. When I imagine the love inside me, it is whole; there aren’t lines down the middle of my devotion or my concern or my loyalty.

In a conversation with my partner about another person who is very important to me, I said: “I’m worried about falling into this way of thinking, which isn’t good for you, or for me, or for them.”

My partner called this out for what it was - a shift in the way our conversations take place from “the two of us” to “the three of us.”

Here’s what “the three of us” means to me:

More challenges

More people’s feelings who could be hurt

Potential stress on time and energy

Potential for jealousy

Discomfort as we navigate this for essentially the first time

Helping everyone feel that communication lines are open

Staying out of the middle of communication between others

Navigating that I still experience loneliness even when I have more than one person who loves me

Questions like “what does this look like now?” and “how will this change?”

Fear

More capacity for joy

More people’s feelings that can be happy and fulfilling

Potential for more intentional use of time and energy

Potential to work through jealousy and feel stronger afterwards

Joy as we discover the possibilities of something we’ve never experienced before

More and better communication

Facilitating relationships between people I care about

Learning to be happy being alone sometimes

Questions like “what can this become?” and “how will this change for the better?”

Love

There is another side to every coin. It’s a 50-50 toss. Even if I toss the coin a hundred times and every time it lands on tails, I know that eventually just by shear statistics, it will land on heads.

I’m learning. I’m unlearning. We all are. When I accidentally changed the rhetoric from “the two of us,” to “the three of us,” I was afraid of that. I was afraid of that fact that I had done that without being aware of it. Now I’m unlearning that fear, and trying to help everyone around me see that my heart colors outside the lines.

Polyamory is hard. Polyamory is also a great adventure.

Here’s to each of us learning what comes next.

[happypolylife]

Love this!

[polyamory]

Here's to the adventure of lifetimes!

[polyamorous-intentions]

Adventures in Terminology

Metamour: noun, met-a-mour -The partner of your partner. ex - My wife has a boyfriend. He is my metamour.

Paramour: noun, par-a-mour -A lover. Originally used to describe the lover of a married person whom is not their betrothed.

[brats-rule-the-world]

you said you're poly - how do you deal with jealousy?

The short answer? Not well unless I admit that I’m jealous.

I’m a very jealous person, but I hate admitting it. I see it as weak, which makes me feel vulnerable. Which makes me angry. Which makes me try to make the other person jealous so we’re “even.” It’s disastrous and unkind. 

When I’m jealous and I admit it, I follow these steps:

1) Admit I’m jealous and determine what about and why. For example maybe I’m jealous that my boyfriend has a crush. Why? Because I’m worried he’ll like his crush more than me and replace me.

Depending on the situation I conclude a or b

2a) Recognize how the thought is irrational. Following the previous example, if my boyfriend wanted to replace me then we wouldn’t be dating. The logical thing to do would be to break up with me. I have no reason to believe that his crush would amount to anything more than additional significant other. Feelings for someone else do not cancel out his feelings for me.

2b) Accept that if the thought is true I will still be okay. If worse comes to worse?If the crush does replace me? It will be okay. It will suck. But it won’t kill me unless I let it. And in the end I’ll be better off. It’s not ideal for me to be with someone who sees me as replaceable anyway. 

3) Address my insecurities. Jealousy comes from comparing yourself. The other person has or percievably has something that you don’t. For me I might worry the person is prettier, funnier, better in bed, more interesting… any number of things. In the end I worry about these things because I doubt myself. I address this by reminding myself what I like about myself and what my daddy has said he likes about me. Side tip: believe people when they compliment you, especially when it’s without prompting. People in general are genuine with their compliments. If they care about you they wouldn’t lie - they just would say nothing. So when your SO says your eyes are beautiful or you’re great at singing (etc) believe them. 

4) Talk about it. Easier said than done. Especially for someone who has anxiety and grew up with parents who were a less-than-stellar model for how to have important conversations. And conversations about jealousy are important. Because when jealousy festers? It gets nasty. Really nasty. When I get jealous and pretend I’m not, like I said above, I become somewhat manipulative. I don’t like admitting this but it’s true. One of the rules my daddy and I have is to talk when we feel jealous. Anon, you’ve actually inspired me to have another conversation with him. Since I feel like prevention is key, it might be best for us to check in with each other weekly instead of waiting to bring things up. 

5) Make your relationship special. Make it unlike any of your other relationships. Maybe you only call partner A “honey” or maybe you only practice bondage with partner B. This will help you when you feel you’re not “special”. 

Hope this helps anon!

[polyplaydate]

THIS THIS THIS

[kurushiharu]

I need this!

[startrekgaysex]

reminder to people in polyamorous relationships who get jealous:

its okay to be jealous

jealousy doesn’t make you an asshole

as long as you deal with it in a healthy way, jealousy isn’t a problem

being jealous doesn’t mean you’re selfish

being jealous doesn’t mean you’re a hypocrite

being jealous doesn’t mean you’re faking being polyamorous

being jealous (occasionally) won’t ruin your relationship(s)

[polyamory]

Jealousy is a feeling. Feelings are never wrong. It's the way we handle those feelings that matters.

[haveagaydayorg]

Polyamorous Dating: 5 Tips For Dealing With Jealousy

“But don't you get jealous?” This is often one of the first questions about polyamory, and it's true that jealousy can be tricky to navigate. If you're polyamorous, these helpful tips can give you the tools you need.

[polyamory]

Feelings are never wrong... What matters is how we deal with them.

[my-poly-life-ramblings]

Hi there! I was just wondering how deal, and how you would respond to a question like "Well isn't one person enough for you?" Or like "Was one not enough for you?" You definitely don't have to answer but I would appreciate it if you did! Thanks so much! :) (hope this isn't offensive, the last thing I'd want to do is offend anyone!)

Hey! No offense taken. This is a common question that polya people get. For me, my situation was a little different than the “usual” realizing I could love more than one person. It mostly had to do with me being late to the coming out party. It took up to 2 years ago to finally admit to myself that I love women as much as I love men. At that point my boyfriend and I were dating for six years and being the selfless person that my boyfriend is, we agreed to explore my bisexuality in the most ethical way. We didn’t know it at the time but I’m completely aware of the polyamorist person I’ve become and thankfully I’ve got two partners that love me and let me love them. So in a way of answering the “why isn’t one person enough"question is to simply put it, everyone loves differently. It doesnt mean one person’s love or relationship is greater than the other. It just means I gotta a whole lotta love to share with people who let me love them and they love me for me.

Hope this answers your question! Have a good day! ❤️✌🏼️

[polyamory-ponderings]

Hello. I don't know if you can help. When my boyfriend and I were early into our relationship, he asked for it to be poly. I agreed to but also stated that I prefer to have just one man (him) but that he can still do what he'd like. Well, much later in the relationship (2 years later) i decide i may want to see someone else as well But he decided he is not ok w/ me seeing someone else anymore even though he has seen around four other women through the years. How do I handle this? I feel cheated

Hi, thanks for the question. You bring up an excellent point with this question - and that is that people/relationships will change over time. As we go through life we are always learning, experiencing, growing, which will lead us to discover and change things about ourselves. This is a normal progression of life. It can be really rewarding and/or very scary. 

You’ve reached a point in your life where you now feel confident enough to try having more than one loving relationship. That’s very cool - for you! However, to your boyfriend, this is probably going to a be a shocker, and game changing realization. 

I don’t know the background story, but feeling cheated seems like an appropriate response. It is ok to feel cheated - that is your feeling and you’re owning it. However, how you deal with this is what will truly affect the outcome here. This is where the hard stuff of poly comes out to play - communication.

Telling him you’d like to try seeing someone else has probably caused a flood of thoughts and emotions. His mind may have starting spinning a web of all kinds of crazy stories and scenarios. Things like fear of loss, fear of abandonment, fear of not being good enough, etc. The only way I know how to get through this is with communication - talking through these things with each other. Finding out what he’s feeling, finding out what he needs in order to help him work through those feelings. Sharing with him your feelings, and what your needs are. For example, let’s say he is afraid you will no longer find him good enough. Maybe he will need to hear you say it, or show it more often, or provide more affection to help reassure him that you do.

Hopefully, this helps you. I wish you guys well.

[polyamory]

Feelings are never wrong. How we deal with them is what matters most.

[polyamorous-tangles]

“… failures to communicate happen when we lead with our fears instead of our hopes.”

Franklin Veaux

[polyamory-ponderings]

So true!

[polyamory]

Look forward to what is ahead. Xoxo

[lgbt-advise]

What does polyamorous mean?

Polyamorous means you can have a relationship with multiple people who are informed and consenting. It means you can be in a relationship, fall in love with someone else, and not have that love extinguish the love for the other person. It doesn’t mean never getting jealous at your metamour(the partner of your partner), but thinking why you are jealous, talking to your partner about it and seeing what you can do about it. It means many loves, and loving many. It means some people will not accept you for simply loving multiple people, regardless of their gender. It means multiplying love, not dividing it. (sorry for the mini rant;p)

~Kris