[sugarysweet444]

[porchlightdarling]

yesterday i cried for hours. though perhaps that isn’t saying much anymore, because lately i cry every day. the sadness seemed to settle over me with such force that i could hardly bear it, and i think what lies ahead is only more of the same sorrow stretched into the future. for the past month, i’ve struggled even to take care of myself. getting out of bed sometimes feels as though it requires every bit of strength i have. i keep trying to do small things, to move gently through my days, hoping that one morning this ache will finally be lighter, but somehow it seems to deepen instead. yesterday i lay in bed for hours listening to music and crying. there was a knot lodged in my throat, a weight pressing against my chest, nausea curling through me. it felt as though something inside me had become diseased with grief and was poisoning the rest of my body, making it difficult to even breathe, and i cried so desperately. i think what breaks me most is the thought that he will never be the same again. even writing these words now makes me cry. why is love so cruel? why must it move forward while the heart remains behind? if only i could remain frozen in the moment when he loved me. even if it wasn’t real anymore. even if it was only a dream

[anglkissss]

[porchlightdarling]

i’ve been having a hard time adjusting

[porchlightdarling]

i love taylor swift every1 else go away

[lambwound]

[kmerteuil]

[trashmagic888]

[babydollwounds]

[1polish]

[porchlightdarling]

4 months ago i said that i was tired of always being the bigger person, and that remains true. it isn’t really about wanting to feel morally superior. i think kindness simply comes naturally to me, i genuinely want to understand people, i want to be patient with them and sympathetic toward them. ofc there is some comfort in knowing that i did my best, but that has never been the reason. the difficult part is that in nearly every relationship i form, i seem to be the one trying the hardest. i try my best for everyone, truly everyone, even people i have only just met. yet even in my oldest friendships, i often feel as though that effort is not returned. ppl rarely seem willing to meet me halfway, and after a while it becomes difficult not to wonder what is wrong with me. the truth is that i try. i really do try. i have never been a natural. everything worthwhile in me has felt assembled through effort. to be a good friend, to be generous, to be patient, to be kind, i work at all of it. the only thing natural in me is to try / the desire to try. and when that labour is met again and again with indifference, it becomes impossible not to notice the common denominator: me. which leaves me with the suspicion that the flaw may not be behavioural at all, it may be ontological. something embedded in the architecture, something less like a habit and more like a fact, and that’s scarier, because then it can’t just be fixed

[porchlightdarling]

um i like it tha best whe ur nice to me

[porchlightdarling]

i don’t want to talk if ur not going to talk to me nice

[porchlightdarling]

be nice 2 me

[porchlightdarling]

they are not grateful enough, at all. i’d be so happy if i had someone like me in my life

[porchlightdarling]

98% of people who know me do not even deserve me

[porchlightdarling]