I need to pour my heart out and I have no place to go. So for some reasons I am once again dragging my ass back to dear Tumblr.
Anytime I get to see you in the world, which is rare, I found myself being composed. I don't flinch. I notice you in the corner of my eyes but I know better and never look at your direction. I feel your presence tho. And I hate it. I also feel her presence, as though she is your shadow. Two fucking peas in a pod. Last time I saw you, I dissociated from the physical space and got into my head and, oh boy, that was challenge. Trying to have fun and enjoy the show when deep down I was crumbling. Not this time. This time, I felt fine. But a storm is coming. I remember the wave of sadness I felt after that last time. I was devastated. Tell me: how am I supposed to keep all this passion inside of me? I love you, but I hate you. And I hate this. And I hate me for doing that to you. But I have no choice. Anytime I think about you, anytime I think I miss you, I have to remember myself why I did what I did. I have to remember how I felt when I needed you but you weren't there and I couldn't ask you to be there for me because you are not mine. I have to remember why I stopped talking to you because I knew, I know, deep down, that it would destroy me even more. How many times I have thought about telling you how I feel and every time, I concluded it was pointless. But right now, I miss you. I do. And I can feel my heart sinking in my chest. And this is really not the time, I am busy, I have things to do and to focus on. But you're here. You're once again in my head. I want closure, I need closure. But closure might involve you and I already took you of the picture. And it's been 5 years. I just wish I didn't have to see you ever again. Oh, I wish. And for the most part, I've already done it. I shot myself in both feet instead of my head. I have tried to disappear because I don't want people to see how miserable I am. How you make me feel miserable. And you don't even know it. But then, I am going to move on and live my life and move forward to other things. But I know that once I see you again, it's going to be all over again. Can you believe it's been 10 years? I don't understand why I feel what I feel for you. And right now, I am just confused because I still have this idea of you in my head. But you're a stranger now. I am a stranger. Sometimes I wish our paths never crossed.
