Drawings?? In This Economy?? @pretcil - Tumblr Blog

Mar 26

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Red Dwarf (UK TV) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kristine Kochanski/Deb Lister Characters: Kristine Kochanski, Deb Lister, Arlene Rimmer, Hilly (Red Dwarf) Additional Tags: Compulsory Heterosexuality, First Kiss, Crying, Sexuality Crisis, The rest of the parallel universe gang and Kris' Dave are mentioned but they dont have any dialogue so they're not getting tagged Summary:

A series of incredible coincidences following her leaving of Red Dwarf means that Kris has had to spend the last few days on the parallel universe version of the ship she just left. When she feels herself drawn more and more to her host, it's up to Kris to decide what it is she's feeling... and how she can avoid it.

Kris sat in her room, looking at the clock on the wall. Well, not her room. This wasn't her Dwarf, even if she had been here nearly a fortnight. Turns out driving (crashing) through the first wormhole you find doesn't always get you to your preferred dimension. Sometimes it takes you to one with gender swapped versions of your crewmates, a human dog, and your technical grand kids (although Kris hadn't really brought that last bit up).

These last few days had been weird to say the least of it, but also…nice. There was some kind of comfort to be found in the routine they had settled into, spending each day checking the scanners for a wormhole, fixing up the starbug she had crashed with, chatting over dinner and drinks with Deb in the evenings.

8pm every evening. Just her and Deb.

Arlene and Daizee weren't particularly fond of Kris (no change from the last dimension there), and Dog was always off on walkies somewhere with the kids, so Kris had spent every evening with Deb. And sometimes the afternoons. And sometimes later into the night.

She just missed Dave. That was what she told herself. How she justified how drawn to the scouser Kris had felt herself over her stay here. Why she was desperate every night to just stay with her, talk with her, drink with her, look at her. That excuse wore thin when Kris, say, looked over the scanners a little less attentively, or unhooked some wires in Starbug, or asked Hilly to check a sector a little slower. That, she explained to herself in her bunk late at night, was just nerves, or maybe left over absentmindedness from hitting her head in the crash.

And Deb just missed Chris. That was why she was sending so much time with Kris, why she was being so nice and sweet and close to her all the time. There was nothing between them. And why would there be? Kris was straight.

A jaunty knock at the door. Kris' eyes flicked up to clock on the wall - 8:30.

"Come in!" Called Kris, getting up from the bed where she had been sitting and trying to make herself look casual.

"Hey Krissy!"In came Deb, grinning and holding an icebox under one of her arms "Sorry I'm late, there was a whole thing with Dog I needed to sort out. Y'know what men are like."

Kris snorted slightly. The gender politics of this universe still felt a little foreign to her. Deb put the icebox on the table and opened it, pulling out two cans of larger, and tossed one to Kris.

"Y'didn't miss me, did ya?"

"Of course not" Kris lied through her teeth, catching the can.

"Ouch! Well maybe I'll stop coming, then"

"No, don't!" blurted out Kris, a little too quickly. Embarrassment took over her immediately, this being compounded by the can fizzing over uncontrollably when she opened it. She tried futilely to drink it before it went everywhere, but ended up covered in cheap beer. Deb laughed sheepishly.

"Guess I shouldn'tve tossed that, eh?"

"You think so?" Kris played up her annoyance with a smile on her face. The can was half empty now, but she put it on the table anyway and sat down. When she looked up, Deb was smiling at her coyly. She stamped down the butterflies in her stomach.

"And what are you looking at, Miss Lister?"

"You've got foam on yer face" Deb tapped at her cheek. Kris wiped at her face with the side of her hand.

"Did I get it?"

"Not all of it" Kris went to wipe her face again but before she could, Deb had walked over and wiped at Kris' cheek for her with her thumb. Kris felt her face grow hot and watched as Deb licked the foam of her thumb and smile cheekily.

"Holy smeg" muttered Kris.

"You say something?"

"Nope!"

Deb smiled, that full cheeked gerbil smile, and sat in the chair next to Kris. She sighed and stretched out in it.

"I was joking about not coming, by the way"

"Oh?" Kris was still reeling from the foam incident.

"Yeah. Not like I got anything better to do, anyways."

"Not tempted by a lecture from Arlene then?"

Deb laughed and took a swig from her can.

"You're great to hang out with, Kris. You really are."

Kris smiled at her shoes and drank some more beer. The evening rolled on and the pair drank and talked and talked and drank. At about 9:30 Kris turned in her chair and suddenly winced. Deb looked concerned.

"Y'alright, Krissy?"

"I'm fine, my shoulder's just playing up a bit. Guess the crash has finally caught up to my body!" laughed Kris, trying to brush it off. Deb wasn't convinced.

"If it hurts, I could give you a back rub?"

"What? Actually?" Kris felt her whole body tense.

"Oh yeah, for sure! I used to give 'em to my boyfriends all the time"

Kris tried to ignore her body's reaction to the word 'boyfriends' and found herself agreeing to a back rub. She didn't remember what exactly she or Deb said next, as all she could hear was the same desperate thought over and over again.

I'm not gay, I just miss Dave. I'm not gay, I just miss Dave. I'm not gay, I just miss Dave. I'm not gay, I just miss Dave.

Suddenly, Deb's warm hands were on her shoulders and Kris was having to force herself to breathe.

"Bit stiff up here, huh?" said Deb, playfully squeezing Kris, who just nodded vaguely. She was still concentrating on breathing and heterosexuality. Deb slowly started working at Kris' back and shoulders, somehow managing to actually work some tension out of her body. It was painfully intimate, neither of them saying anything for a while. It was just Deb, Kris, and the knots in her back. The silence was broken by Deb asking a question.

"How come you didn't choose a nicer room?" asked Deb, pushing her thumbs either side of Kris' spine.

"I just went with the first room Arlene suggested", answered Kris, who had her eyes closed, trying to picture Dave's face. "I didn't realise there were nicer rooms available."

"What, seriously?" Deb took her hands off Kris, who breathed out shakily, and walked around to face her. "We gotta go use the captain's room then!"

"The Captain's room is free? I thought Dog would be using it?"

Deb smirked "There's no way in hell Rimmer would let him anywhere near that even if he wanted to. Nah, it hasn't been used since I first got out of stasis. You should totally have it, yer the guest!"

"If you're sure…"

"Sure I'm sure! Let's go already!" At this, Deb grabbed Kris' hand and dragged her up out of the chair and out into the hallway. They managed to find their way to the quarters eventually and the tipsy pair flopped onto the queen sized bed, the only one on the whole ship. Deb scrambled her way into the centre of the bed and patted the space in front of her.

"C'mere Kris, I didn't finish with yer back"

Kris shook her head slowly "Nuh uh. Tired. I just wanna lie down now."

Deb smirked. "Well at least lie down on the right bit of the bed, eh?" She shifted so she was firmly on the right side of the bed and coaxed Kris into lying on the left. They lay there for a few minutes silently, drunk and tired and close. Kris' mantra played over and over at the back of her head.

I'm not gay, I just miss Dave. I'm not gay, I just miss Dave. I'm not gay, I just miss Dave. I'm not gay, I just miss Dave.

Kris looked in Deb's eyes and her stomach ached with guilt and something else she refused to put a name on.

"Deb… is this how you imagined your life turning out?" Kris had gotten to the part of the night where she felt existential.

"What, 3 million years into deep space with a smeghead hologram, a man-dog, an anxious robot, a senile computer, and two kids I had with me self? No, not quite."

Kris sniggered.

"Do you wanna know what I imagined my life was gonna be like?" Kris nodded, and Deb continued "We were gonna live on Fiji, with a cow and a sheep and breed horses. Me and yo- Chris."

Kris' eyes glistened over slightly at the mention of Chris. Deb's Chris. She looked at Deb's face opposite her, seeing a slight sadness in her eyes.

"Well, if it's any comfort", said Kris, "That wouldn'tve worked out anyway"

"What? Why?"

"I'm allergic to horses"

"Actually? You're takin the mick!"

The two of them laughed together.

"Man, how am I supposed to get you to stay with me now?"

Kris' breath caught. Deb just said her. She wanted her to stay. The mantra at the back of her head piped up again.

I'm not gay, I just miss Dave.

"I would've liked living on Fiji with you"

Kris shifted awkwardly. "You're too drunk Deb. Wrong Kris. I've got a K at the start"

"No, I mean you, Kris."

Kris started breathing very heavily. Deb shifted closer to her.

"I've really liked getting to know you."

I'm not gay, I just miss Dave.

"Yer just so fun, and nice, and…"

I'm not gay, I just miss Dave.

"and pretty"

I'm not

They were so close now, their noses were touching. They could feel each other's breath. What was one inch closer?

I'm

And so they were kissing. Warm, and soft, and safe and perfect. So goddamn perfect. Kris was no expert in kissing, but she had never felt anything as perfect and right as this kiss here and now. It all made sense now. The feeling with all her boyfriends before this. The feelings with the girls back at school. The feelings with Deb. It all clicked into place.

And Kris started crying.

Deb pulled away, concerned. "Kris, are you alright? Smeg, did I misread summin?"

Kris shook her head slowly, gripping her damp face with her hands. "I'm… I'm a lesbian"

"Oh, uh… good?"

"I'm a lesbian…" whispered Kris, shakily, and suddenly Deb understood.

"Smeg, Kris, you only just…" Deb looked at Kris' glistening eyes and silently hugged her.

For a while they stayed like that, the only sound in the room being soft sobs muffled by Deb's shoulder. Eventually Kris pulled away, still with tears running down her face, and spoke shakily.

"Deb… Deb I'm so sorry"

"Hey, hey, don't be sorry. It's a lot to deal with." Deb's soothing, forgiving tone burrowed a hole in Kris' stomach. She sat up in the bed, staring into the dark of the room to avoid looking into those kind brown eyes.

"No, Deb, I- God. I want to stay here. I want- I want to stay with you, really. But I-" Kris blinked back tears, "I can't do it. I have- I have to go back to Dave."

Deb sat up in the bed slowly, sadly. Kris choked back a sob.

"I've been gone, what, five years? I can't just… just, leave him. By choice, I mean. Surely I owe it to him? To go back?"

Deb put her hand on Kris' shoulder. "But do you love him?"

Kris could hear her heart thumping in her ears. Did she love him?

Love him like she loved Deb?

She didn't answer.

"Kris, you can't spend the rest of your smegging life with someone just cause you think you owe it to 'em"

"I know. God, I smegging know! But I can't… we were going to have kids, Deb! What if he's still out there, desperately looking for me? Can I stay here with that on my conscience?"

Deb withdrew her hand, looked away and sighed. Regret immediately rushed through Kris, but she couldn't bring herself to say anything.

"Kris… I really, really, like ya. But we're both drunk and tired" Deb got up from the bed and started to walk round it. "We'll… we'll figure something out tomorrow."

Kris could only just make out Deb's face in the dark of the room. She was disappointed.

"Okay." said Kris, the only thing she could say. "Tomorrow."

Deb left the room and Kris wished she had asked her to stay. She lay back down on the bed, ran her fingers over the outline Deb had left, breathed in the scent she had left on the sheets. The bed felt unbearably empty with just Kris in it. She drowned in the sheets, in the tear stained pillowcase, in the overwhelming tidal wave of drunk feelings that had rushed over her that night. After what felt like hours, Kris fell into fitful sleep, dreaming of love and guilt and wormholes.

—

Morning came and Kris slowly peeled her throbbing head off her pillow. The room was quiet, thankfully, as she rubbed her temples and painfully recalled the previous night. Kris bit the inside of her cheek as she thought over everything.

We'll… we'll figure something out tomorrow.

It was coming up to 11am now, so Kris slipped out of bed, still in the same clothes from yesterday, and went to go find Deb. She didn't know what she was going to say, what they were going to do. All she knew, as she stumbled through the hallways, was that she wanted to see her.

Deb was in her room sitting at the table when Kris burst in. Unfortunately, so was Arlene. They both grimaced on seeing each other.

"Kochanski" sneered Arlene

"Rimmer" groaned Kris back.

"Shouldn't you be off doing officer-y things somewhere?"

Kris ignored her and turned to Deb, feeling her heart tug when she saw the tiredness on Deb's face. She started to ask her to talk somewhere, when suddenly Hilly's face appeared on the screen on the wall.

"Kristine?"

"What?" snapped Kris as she whipped her head around to look at his face on the screen. All she wanted, needed, was to talk to Deb. She really couldn't deal with more delays.

"We've got a wormhole."

Kris froze "…What?"

"A wormhole? You know, big swirly thing. We've been looking for one for weeks. Well, we've got one a mile or two out."

Kris felt like the floor was giving out below her. "…Actually?"

"Yep, sure's sure. Starbug's all good to go as well. If you leave now you'll probably be back by teatime"

Arlene lit up "Well, isn't that good news? So sorry to be saying goodbye so soon, Miss Kochanski."

Kris didn't hear any of this, her ears filled with the pounding of her heart. She couldn't take her eyes off Deb. She was looking back at Kris, her eyebrows drawn together, her eyes shining with a mix of fear and resignation.

She looked just like Dave.

"Kristine?", Hilly questioned, "Are you going or not?"

Kris turned away from Deb, holding back tears as two kinds of guilt clawed at her stomach.

"I'm going"

—

It was all a blur from there. One second Kris was shielding herself from eye contact she wasn't prepared to make with Deb, and then she was now sat back in Starbug's cockpit as she had been two weeks ago. She tapped a dial on the dashboard, stalling even now as there was o backing out from her decision. The route was mapped out on the system, she was cleared for takeoff, all she had to do now was go.

A shaky breath out. This was what she needed to do. What she had wanted to do since she had first stepped foot in the wrong dimension. It was the right thing to do. Logically.

It didn't feel like it.

Kris buried her head in her hands. Desperate, she forced Dave into her mind again, tried to picture their reunion, what they would say to each other. He spoke with Deb's voice. She leaned back in the chair and groaned. Her hand shifted from her side and traced her shoulder, the same shoulder Deb had put her hand on last night.

"But do you love him?"

Kris dug her fingernails in her shoulder as the memories span around her mind. What she had thought last night.

Did she love him?

Love him like she loved Deb?

Slowly, Kris smiled, embarrassed,as she realised fully for the first time the extent of her feelings. She loved her. More than him. She had known her for two weeks and she loved her more than anyone she had ever known. It felt stupid, it was stupid, like something out of one of the sappy romance films that Deb loved and they hadn't had a chance to watch together.

A pang of pain ran through Kris' entire body. They hadn't had the chance to properly do anything. She loved her and they had barely done anything. She loved her and she hadn't even told her.

She hadn't told her.

Kris straightened up in her chair.

…

"WHAT THE SMEG AM I DOING?!"

She couldn't get put of Starbug any faster, scrambling out of the airlock doors like a mad woman. Bolting down the corridor, thoughts of the full extent of what she was doing rushed and slipped past her, drowned out by just the thought of Deb's smiling face. In her franticness she nearly ran straight past Deb's room, but found her in there sitting (thankfully) alone.

Deb was sat facing away from the door, hunched over the table smoking a cigarette. Kris walked up behind her slowly, making last minute plans for what she was going to do, to say. Hearing the footsteps behind her, Deb sighed and put out her cigarette on the table. She began to spin around in her chair.

"Rimmer, I'm really not in-"

"Hi, Deb"

The scouser's eyes grew wide and she practically leapt up from the chair.

"Kris? I thought… you…"

Kris didn't say anything, preferring simply to wrap her arms around the other woman and rest her face in the crook of her neck. Shaking slightly, not quite believing her senses, Deb slowly put her arms around Kris.

"I'm sorry, Deb. I'm sorry about everything." Kris murmured, "I shouldn't have left without saying goodbye."

"Hey, it's alright-" began Deb.

"No, it's not. I'm sorry Deb. I was scared." Kris lifted her head so they were face to face now "I love you. I know we barely know each other and it feels silly, but… but I do. I love you Deb Lister. As you. Not as a replacement for anything."

Deb's eyes lit up as she started to smile. "I don't think it's silly at all. I love you too, Krissy"

And they kissed, feeling even closer and better than last time, and even though there was still so much to work out, to fix, Kris didn't feel a sadness or a clawing guilt or anything else that left her in tears. All she felt was warmth, safety, and love.

#pretcil's fics #red dwarf

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