A Letter to the RPC
I don’t usually do OOC posts, I have a big rule about keeping the OOC stuff on the OOC blog, however, a couple of days ago I came across one of those blogs that talk about the celebrity roleplay groups, players and admins in the community. After reading through the blog I sent them a response and last I checked they hadn’t posted it or said anything about it so I’m posting it myself because I feel like everyone who knows me or has heard of me should read this.
https://celebrpanonymous.tumblr.com/ is the blog
-Sarah
Hello, there, Sarah here. I just discovered this blog today and I took the time to read everything that was said about me and I wanted to reply if that's okay? You can post this if you wish to.
I have been around since almost the very beginning of tumblr RP. I've started several groups and I've been in a few other groups I never was the admin for. I started roleplaying in October 2011 and opened celebrpg in 2012. At the time I was in a different group and didn't like how it was run and decided to open a group that was for the players. Where they got to do more of what they wanted. I'm truly sorry to everyone if that never came across or didn't come out exactly right, but that's always been my MO in every group I open. I noticed someone said something about my lack of social skills and how I shouldn't be a head mod because of them. I'm on the autism spectrum, something I didn't know until I was in my mid twenties. Also in my mid twenties I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and 3 years ago my husband killed himself. Tumblr RP was the only thing that held me together the last 11 years and I personally don't think anyone should be told they can't do something because they're socially awkward if it's something that is saving their life. I try really hard to be nice and friendly to everyone and what most people take as a tone or me getting upset isn't anything of the sort. I DO have social issues, I DO have a tendency to defend myself because I've always felt very misunderstood, but I NEVER meant to make so many people upset.
I've planned quite a few plots with people, I've been screwed over on plots that were promised to me but then the other player changed their mind and then I myself have changed my mind about something too. I've gotten upset OOC when a ship I love ends (and so have other people) and maybe me expressing myself to people I thought were my friends got taken the wrong way. I've talked to a few people about how they thought I was trying to guilt them into something when I swear I wasn't. On my end it feels like someone tells me something, I give them my opinion, and then suddenly I'm the bad person who's guilting them into something. Of course I've been sad when I've lost ships. Ships that were my main source of escape at that particular time period and I expressed my sadness. Maybe that came off as a different emotion? Maybe I don't know how to express tone properly when writing as myself so I do always try to clarify what I mean. That was something that took me a long time to figure out how to do but once I was diagnosed bipolar I had to start learning my triggers and moods and over the years how my perception is different on things than most people. Me expressing my sadness about losing a ship was NEVER me trying to guilt anyone into anything, just like when people have expressed their sadness to me about a ship ending because I didnt want to do it anymore I never took their sadness as guilt tripping so I've never understood why I've been taken that way.
I don't want to make excuses for the way I was in the past and I know that's what it sounds like I'm doing, but what I am trying to do here is get people to know that I have no bad intentions. I just want to play and when a group has been open as long as carpediem has it does build up a lot of history. It's a lot of time and effort that people have put into storylines. It's not fair for the players still in the group to have to give up their storylines when they're the ones who have played them all this time. Now, if both/all players involved in a plot leave the group then all the history gets erased and that's happened several times. There are certain plot points that are too major to the game play, to the overall storyline that would be too hard to erase now unless the whole group were to erase EVERYTHING and start brand new (which has been an option thrown around a couple times over the years) The history rule isn't meant to force people into things, it's to keep things realistic because in real life we can't just erase parts of our past.
The last thing I want to address is my lack of time on the main page. Over the years I saw groups get super strict with their activity rules to the point where people who had jobs and school and other things to do couldn't keep up and they'd get removed. I'm 33 years old with a full time job and a part time job. I'm trying to stay afloat since my husband died and it's not easy. I don't have the time to get online and promote the main page like I used to when my husband was alive or before I moved in with him and all I did was sit in bed all day too depressed to do anything else. I've come a long way on that aspect but I still want to RP. I still want to have a place where people can come and go and not worry about losing their roll because they haven't been active for a week. The activity became lax at carpediem and because of my husband dying and living where I was living I didn't and still don't have internet. Everything I do on the computer has to be done during the time that I'm in the office and if work is really busy that day well then unfortunately whatever work I wanted to do for the group was pushed aside. Britt stepped up a lot and started helping out in every single way possible and if it wasn't for her the group probably would have closed a long time ago. Carpediem is a group of people who have busy real lives, who can't get on every day, but I like to believe we're all still invested to these lines we've been writing for almost 8 years and that's why certain people are still there.
I want to genuinely apologize to everyone who has felt some type of way from me. I try really hard and I have the best intentions but I feel like Rachel Berry in Glee singing "Get it Right." Reading the things that were said about me on this blog made me feel absolutely horrible about myself. I never knew that people hated me so much, especially in the one place I actually felt free to be myself for a long time. I don't know what else to say except I'm sorry and I'll continue to try to be better.
