Summary: You had a feeling this casual relationship with Jack was going to end badly. Figures, you were right.
Listen while reading: Figures - Jessie Reyez
All your life you’d been alone.
Not in an inherently sad way. At least not at first. You were independent, since you were young. Not that you had the choice back then, but now it was more of an active decision you’d made. You were never quick to trust or open up.
Until you met Jack Abbot.
There had been so many men before him, all of which you’d shut out. You couldn’t place what it was about Jack. Every time he was around you were smiling like an idiot and you felt a warm feeling in your stomach rather than the pit of dread usually associated with men.
It was casual, though. An agreement you both had made. Although, each time you were together it seemed the lines blurred. Neither of you mentioned it, but you both notice each time.
You never did relationships, all your life it felt easier to keep people at a distance. The closer you got to them, the more you felt trapped and suffocated. That’s why you had been the first to tell Jack you wanted casual. Because you liked him and you wanted to take it slow in hopes you could hold on to him for as long as possible before your heart began to pull away.
Except it didn’t pull away.
You were falling in love with him, something you had never felt before.
It was so scary to think about, especially on your nights alone. You knew how much he affected you and you had never been this vulnerable, always pushing away before you could get to that point. But it had snuck up on you, and you spent sleepless nights with the constant fear of the inevitable.
He was going to hurt you.
And you were so in love, you knew it would probably destroy you.
But the nights you were with him, those thoughts fluttered away. This was everything you tried to avoid all your life, but you couldn’t stop yourself from chasing the warmth of him.
“What are you thinking so hard about, baby?” Jack’s voice pulls you from your thoughts, you look up from your spot on his bed to see him standing at the doorway of the bathroom. He was wearing a towel low on his hips, freshly showered and looking as delicious as ever.
“Well now I’m thinking about what’s under that towel..” You try to deflect his question with flirting, but he gives you a stern look. “M’just thinking about a patient from earlier.”
He nodded at that, turning back into the bathroom while asking over his shoulder, “You staying today or going back to yours?”
The question was innocent, but you felt a pit in your stomach when he asked. Were you being too needy, staying here all day and then seeing him all night at work? Maybe he needed a break.
“Going home, getting sick of your face.”
You hear him scoff a laugh in the bathroom before he reappears, smirking at you with mischief in his eyes, “I know something you’re not sick of yet.”
“Alright, I’m leaving.” You deadpan and he laughs again, this time louder and you try to ignore the flutter in your stomach at the sound of it.
You try to walk past him to grab your stuff and pack up, but instead you feel his arm around your waist and he’s pulling your back into his chest, burying his face in your neck.
Never had you had this, the cute romantic moments that felt so light but so intimate at the same time. But you can’t shake the feeling of it being taken away.
“Want me to drive you home?”
“Mm, you actually have no choice.” He cuts you off, placing soft kisses on your neck.
“Jack-” You’re cut off by the sound of a phone ringing. Jack pulls away from you to grab his phone from the bathroom counter.
“It’s Mohan.” He states before answering and walking further into the bathroom, “Hey, what’s up..”
You tune out the conversation, reality hitting you that this is just casual. No matter how you feel, Jack views all this as casual. He doesn’t have that same sense of dread at the idea of losing you. The idea of that scares you.
You decide to sneak out while he’s still on the phone, leaving a note on his counter saying, “Walking home, can’t stand your old man driving.”
On the walk home, you put your earbuds in and tried to drown out the sounds of your overthinking.
Today was your birthday. You’d always spent your birthday alone. You’d tried to go out with your friends a couple years, but it always just felt like an excuse for them to get drunk rather than actually celebrate. So, you usually stick to picking up a cake and spending the night watching romcoms with your cat. You’d sing yourself happy birthday while your cat tried to hit at the flame of your candle.
Today, though, you had work. So those plans are put off until your shift ends, which will be long after your birthday but you were good at pretending.
Although you were dreading the idea of going into work and dealing with all the birthday wishes and attention, deep down you were excited. Nobody went crazy for birthdays, but there was always cake and balloons set up in the break room and sometimes, if they could find time, they’d sing Happy Birthday.
The idea of all the attention scares you, but also excites you. You’d always wanted someone else to buy you the cake, maybe even a present. But you always settled with the cheapest cake you could find and a night in watching movies where other women get celebrated and pretending it was you.
You’d come in with a smile on your face and a pep in your step. You were actually excited for your birthday this year. Maybe, if you were lucky, Jack would invite you over. The thought made you smile more.
“Someone’s extra happy today.” Lena said as you walked up to her station.
“Yeah, special day today.” You smile back.
“What, you finally found first level parking?” She responds, not looking up from her monitor.
Your heart sinks at the realization that she forgot your birthday. Your eyes flick to the break room, which you’d thought would have a couple balloons, maybe a card, but it was bare.
Your cheeks flush in embarrassment, “You guessed it.” You run to the lockers before she could say anything else, trying to push down the lump in your throat.
It was your first birthday on night shift, you couldn’t be upset at anyone for forgetting. If anything, you should’ve reminded them.
You decide it’s better they forgot, now it won’t be a big thing and you could just celebrate your birthday how you usually do.
Just as you shut your locker, you turn to see Jack walking in, a smile forming on his face at the sight of you which you mirror immediately. “Hi.”
“Hi.” You respond shyly, beating yourself up for how you sound like a lovesick puppy.
“You look extra pretty today, what’s the occasion?” He asks, opening his locker to throw his bag in it.
He doesn’t see the way your expression falters for a second.
A little part of your heart breaks at that. You’d thought out of everyone at least he would remember. You weren’t expecting anything from him, he didn’t owe you anything.
Still, there was a part of you deep down that was hoping he’d do something special. Invite you over, get you flowers, make you breakfast.
But you were just casual, that was too much for casual.
A ‘happy birthday’ is casual, though.
And he couldn’t even give you that.
“Just.. trying something new.” You respond, not meeting his eyes. Your cheeks flush in embarrassment at how you’d even done your makeup for your special day only for it to be just like any other.
“Well, I like it.” He responds, checking the door before stepping closer, “Maybe you could come over to mine after work?”
You hear the hope in his voice and you hate how your body reacts to it, butterflies filling your stomach. It’s the words you wanted to hear, but it didn’t feel the same.
“Sorry, got plans tonight.” You don’t wait for his reaction, instead scurrying out of the locker room and as far away from him as possible.
You go through a couple patients, finishing up charting when you hear your name being called. You turn to see Mohan approaching with a big smile on her face.
“What are you doing here?” You ask, confused why the day shift resident was here at night.
“Oh, I switched to nights.” She responds.
“Really!? Finally, I’ve been telling you forever to!” You exclaim, so thankfully to have an old friend on the shift. You use to work days with her and you two got super close before you moved to nights.
“I know, Jack’s been helping me with choosing my elective and he said he could switch me and Ellis so he could help mentor me before I leave.” She explains and although you manage to keep the smile on your face, you feel the lump in your throat grow larger.
You noticed him getting closer with Samira, but you never let yourself think about that. Jack wasn’t yours, so you had no right to harbor jealousy.
But your feelings like to ignore your brain.
And you couldn’t ignore that feeling when she referred to him as ‘Jack’ instead of Abbot.
“That’s amazing, Samira.”
“I know!” She exclaims excitedly, “I need to go check on some patients, but I’ll tell you later about which fellowship I chose.”
You nod, trying to focus on your charting again and ignore the feeling in your gut that seems to never want to leave today.
You hear your name again, and this time you recognize the voice immediately, your whole body tensing as you try to come off unaffected.
“What’s up?” You ask casually, not looking up from your charting but you feel Jack’s eyes burning into the side of your head.
“Did you discharge the patient in 8?”
“Yeah, the one with the wrist fracture? Checked her vitals one last time and all was good so I sent her home.” You reply, still focusing on the screen in front of you.
“Well, she had a CT scan pending and you sent her home before we even got the results.” That’s when you notice the frustration in his voice, finally turning to see his expression.
“If you checked her chart you would’ve seen that she also hit her head when she fell.”
“The chart didn’t say anything-”
“Yes. It did. Because I wrote it myself.” You try not to let his tone affect you, but you already feel the pressure behind your eyes.
You blink aggressively, “I-I’m sorry, I swear I thought-”
“Yeah, well you’re gonna be sorry if that scan shows anything. You know how much trouble we could get in for sending her home, how much trouble I could get in-”
“I know, Jack, I’m so sorry-”
You feel you lip tremble, looking away from his gaze in hopes he doesn’t see. You try to think of something to say, but you couldn’t trust your voice enough to speak without breaking.
“Take a break. Shadow Mohan for a while, I’m gonna try to clean up your mess.”
You just nod, only lifting your head up when you hear his footsteps receding. Then you push yourself out of your chair and run to the bathroom.
“Stop crying, stop crying.” You murmur to yourself, knowing if you let the tears fall everyone will know thanks to your birthday makeup.
What a way to spend your birthday, trying not to cry in the bathroom while everyone outside goes about their day, unaware of your birthday and your feelings.
You finally calm yourself down, deciding to block out everything until the end of your shift. You just need to make it to the end, and then you can let it all out.
You avoided Jack for the rest of the shift. Initially you followed Mohan around, but then Jack requested her and you ran the other way. You didn’t know if it was just because you didn’t want to see Jack or because you didn’t want to see Jack and Samira.
Now, you were finishing up the last chart and the events of the day were slowly washing over you again. You decide to look back at the chart, the one Jack had yelled at you about.
Scrolling through, you look for anything that mentions head injury or a CT request. There was nothing. Rage fills you as you stand from your chair, ready to fight Jack for yelling at you.
When you turn a hallway, you find him coming out of the locker rooms with a bouquet of flowers. Your heart flutters at sight of him and a smile forms on your face when he finally looks up to see you, startled that you snuck up on him.
“You remembered.” You cut him off, a blush forming on your cheeks as you try to push back the tears.
Because after the loneliest birthday ever, Jack remembered you.
“Remembered what?” He speaks, genuine confusion on his face.
That same confusion forms on your face at his response, and just then you hear cheering from the nurse station. You both make your way over to the commotion, finding Samira surrounded by nurses and doctors with balloons in her hand.
“What’s going on..” You murmur the question aloud, not really directed at one person.
A passing nurse excitedly replies, “Samira finally chose her fellowship, geriatrics.”
You feel the hurt deep in your chest and this time, you can’t hide it in your face. The tears pool in your eyes and your lip trembles watching everyone celebrate Samira.
It was so selfish. You aren’t entitled to a whole day just because it’s your birthday. You should be happy to celebrate and share your day with her.
You see Jack moving out of the corner of your eye and turn to see him walking towards Samira with the flowers and a small smile on his lips.
“Congrats. You’re amazing here and I know you’ll be amazing anywhere.” He speaks with so much adoration it makes you nauseous.
Samira blushes as she accepts the flowers.
You feel anger at first, then it drifts into sadness when you see the way Jack smiles at her. He could celebrate her loud and proud, yet he couldn’t even remember your birthday.
Then, Robby walks in and takes everything in, realization seeming to be hitting as he turns to you, “Oh, Happy birthday! Hope the night shift wasn’t too rough on you.”
Everyone pauses at Robby’s words, turning to face you.
“It’s your birthday?” Samira responds, her face dropping at the sight of the tears now flowing freely down your face.
You feel like you can’t breathe with all the eyes on you.
This is not the attention you wanted on your birthday.
You turn and start running to the stairs, ignoring the shouts of your name from behind you. You run all the way to the roof, trying to take a deep breath when you reach fresh air. It comes out more as broken sobs and wheezes.
You don’t know why you thought it could be different, why you thought this would be the first birthday not alone. You knew this would happen.
You knew all along Jack was going to break you.
“Baby..” You didn’t even hear the door open and you flinched when you felt his hand on your back, “Breathe, honey..”
“Get off me!” You push him away, your voice wet and raw with all the emotions you’d bottled up all day.
“Baby, please. I’m so sorry. You don’t understand how sorry I am-”
“Sorry isn’t enough.” You finally meet his eyes, your face turning from sadness to rage.
His eyes are watering too now, dread written all over his features. He looked so ashamed, so beaten down. In any other situation you would have ran to his side and held him tightly. Right now, though, you couldn’t bring yourself to care.
“You know that chart.” You began, laughing humorlessly, “It was wrong. Didn’t say anything about head injury or CT.”
His face dropped, “I-I.. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say, I’m a fucking asshole-”
“Wha-… no, no. Look, I’ll do whatever to fix this, please, what can I do?” He’s begging now, grabbing your arms and trying to meet your eyeline.
“No, Jack. You think just because you’re sorry it’s enough? Just because you feel really bad?” You push at his chest and his hands fall from their place on you. Just as the warmth of him leaves, it’s replaced by a hot rage, “How do you think I feel then!? How the fuck do you think I feel!?”
He lets you continue to push his chest. “You thought you could just have me after how you treated me? You thought I was just going to let it slide and come running back?” Each sentence was punctuated by another push to his chest. “You can just hurt me and hurt me and it doesn’t matter because there’s nothing I could do to hurt you, right!? Nothing I could do could hurt the tough Jack Abbot, right!?”
“That’s not true-” He grabs your wrists before you can push again.
“But it is!” You scream, pulling away from him, your lip wobbling as you back up from him. “You think you’re hurting? I wish you could feel what I feel. I wish I could make you feel how I feel.” Your voice gets smaller each time you talk, the fight slowly leaving your body.
The realization sets in then.
This played out exactly how you thought it would.
You should always trust your intuition.
