Parenting is Weird

Mother to 2 girls under 2

[probably-not-your-mom]

[probably-not-your-mom]

Husband to toddler: why are your hands down your diaper?

Toddler: poo!!

Husband: you pooped?

Toddler begins laughing maniacally.

Husband: then why are your hands in it?

Toddler pulls hands out and displays clean hands.

Husband: I don't know if I'm disgusted or relieved.

[probably-not-your-mom]

In case you’re wondering what having 2 under 2 is like, at all times there are tears, poop and/or vomit. The tears aren’t limited to the babies, and they are happy to share the vomit and poop.

[probably-not-your-mom]

Me: I have no idea where our daughter gets her dramatics from

Also me:

[probably-not-your-mom]

Me: starting today, I'm going on a diet!

Also me: I'd like the rack of ribs, tri-tip, and loaded baked potato. Oh, and a salad...ranch on the side.

[probably-not-your-mom]

Husband to toddler: are you done with your pancake?

Toddler: yeah.

Husband: ok, then toss it.

Toddler proceeds to throw the pancake at husband and hit him square in the chest.

Me to husband: you really have to learn to be more specific.

[probably-not-your-mom]

Husband to toddler: Should you be touching that?

Toddler: Yes.

Husband to me: Well, she got me there.

[probably-not-your-mom]

Just put it in your mouth! No, not your hands. Your mouth! Just stick it in! Ok, now swallow it. Swallow. Swaaaaallllooooow. No! Don't spit! Ah. You spit it all over the floor. Ok.

Trying to feed a toddler when she'd rather play with her food

[probably-not-your-mom]

No, we do not put shoes on the baby! She's a newborn, not a shoe rack.

Things we say to our 1 year old