@propertyofhisoka - Tumblr Blog

Aug 5th: As I lie awake in bed, I'm hoping all of this wasn't for naught. My efforts..

I really hope he will someday find them here in message form, in posts, and most importantly of all..the secret email. I know they're long, hell very long, but I hope he will read them all someday.

I never gave up on you, even when you would have deserved it too. Times were very hard sometimes, but I made my choices, which were to stay and never give up. I love those choices. I'm happy with them. You need to see that. Because you know I was always capable of leaving. You know because you worried about it. You had bad dreams about it. I just truly found the best part of this world. You are worth fighting for.

Can you let me save you?

Can you let me save us?

Can you stop, if it saves us?

I'm bleeding my heart out this past two months in secret posts, messages, and a private email for us to be unlocked by you later. But I'm afraid my heart will be glanced over. (Also words you spilled to me before)

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I've been looking at our old conversations(when you first came back), and things just seem so different now...It is hard to see how you were a few years ago verses now and not think you are tired of me, bored, drifting away. I feel like I have been trying so hard to get reactions out of you(your words here; When I said reactions earlier this month I literally meant roleplay responses to further the plot), make you happy, just to see a glimpse of the man who was so happy and in love and attached when you first came back. Instead I feel like I get the bare minimum back...you were so worried about never wanting to hurt me before, now anytime I bring up anything involving my feelings you get angry at me. I understand being busy lately, but it seems like you've been busy in some form or another for awhile now, and I don't see things magically going back to how they were afterwards, whenever that is. I feel alone,neglected,depressed,worthless..and I know the reaction you'll have after reading this.. I...I'm the opposite of how I was then. Now you see me as an annoyance.

I miss how attached to me you were. You would spend hours just talking to me. I miss the amount of physical contact you would show me as well. We hugged a lot more, kissed more frequently, you held onto my arm or just sat close to me all the time. You really seemed to enjoy being around me.

Now it seems like you are bored of me..we don't kiss as much and we rarely makeout. Before we would actually enjoy eachother, now we just sit across from eachother on comps or phones doing whatever. We are in the same room but I feel far away from you. //Before AI was a thing... So how sad is it now?//

And I am sorry I can't fix it, I still wake up every day and try to cuddle you or hold you close throughout the day, but I feel like I just annoy you now.

I do annoy you, not just this past couple years, but for awhile now, I try to be affectionate and I just get in your way.

That one time you got upset with me when I took your phone and sat in your lap, then later regretted it and welcomed things like that so badly then.

When you cried wishing you held onto those moments more. I cry wishing I had held onto those moments more, appreciated every single second, I thought they would last for the rest of our lives, but they didn't. You'll be angry at me, upset, hopefully you won't leave me over this. I feel like if I would of told the old you this same wall of text, you would have dropped everything and showed me that I was incredibly important to you, heh...//RUN to me//, cry with me..tried to make your baby happy. I wish I didn't break that man's heart....

And if you knew that dextromethorphan could make you very emotionally flat, distant, lacking connection and intimacy in your relationship, what would you do?

If you knew dextromethorphan could cause you paranoia at times and talk to me so nasty (that time you didn't come home from work because your drugged brain caused you paranoia), to make mistakes you would never have done before, and become more irritable and angry towards your partner/the closest person to you (like Keppra does to those who need it for real seizures and makes them treat the closest person to them badly), what would you do?

And that long term abuse of the substance could have affects that last even after not actively using? It can still have an affect on you like this even after a few weeks of not taking it. And also affects your sex drive and ability to even finish, even initiate... And, that kind of explains some things there.

If you got to feel these feelings of hurt and distance about me back then and they were VERY valid, you know that if I feel these ways about you now that they're also valid.

Just like everything else, just like my messages, like my private email for us, you may never find this link ⭐️🌙

ChatGPT helps you get answers, find inspiration, and be more productive.

This was about something that happened in the past. A couple/few years ago. But I am still sorry I'm not an AI.

What did you feel when you decided to try to end your life? ... What did it feel like in the world? In your head? What did it feel like in your heart? Am I feeling similar ways? Because it hurts so bad and I do truly feel like I've lost everything. Like I lost you. Our reasons may differ, but the painful feelings might very well be similar...

I'm sorry.

I'm nothing like I once was.. I wish I could turn back the clock. Because I wish I had never hurt you in the past...

That man who ran to find me in the cemetery and immediately hugged me close and tight because he was 'worried' about me... I think I lost that man...

I was remembering seeing you ran across the field in the cemetery as it was getting dark. Realizing just how much you loved me because of how out of breath you were. How tight you held me.. I don't think you could ever do that again. It's all my fault in the past. And while I changed for us, for you. I don't think you can.

I am sorry I ever hurt you..

Thank you for showing me so many wonderful things. For giving me the best parts of my life since I was born.

I really am sorry.

I don't recognize the girl I was back then after my mom died, around the years I treated you badly. It's no excuse. I should have never been those ways to you. You didn't deserve it. You stuck by my side, full of love, 'in' love, supporting and encouraging me, making the most fun memories together. I can't believe I ever treated you badly. I can't believe that I cursed you out as easily as you have started to me. But I did. I can't believe I could do that, because I don't feel anything like those ways now. I can't even imagine being like that anymore. I can't erase the damage I caused you. You can't erase what you've caused me either. But I wish you could truly know how sorry I am that I ever hurt you. You were the best part of my entire life. You still are. I wish I could run to you and hold you tightly and tell you how you never deserved that from me, that I am so sorry and I would do almost anything to make it up to you. That you are loved and so important. Neither of us ever deserved the hurt we inflicted on each other. We are just too emotional souls.

I am so sorry, Loki.

Remembering a cute time when you wanted to take pictures for me and you had me help you decide a combination of dress shirts and ties. 🥰 You loved dressing up for me. I also know you love suits and stuff. It made me feel so happy.

For the first time in my life, I'm truly alone at home. I've been trying to distract myself, but today it isn't working. I feel so depressed.

I miss his voice, his laughter, his eyes, his warmth in bed at night, sprawling out over him and holding him close.

And now everything's really quiet.

I don't think he could ever speak about the possibility of us ever being homeless again or that he has no where to go.. because he will now forever go back to 'their' house. I can't believe it even happened...

And I'm almost sure I wouldn't be welcome there. I don't have family like he probably thinks I do. So, Janice helped *us* out a lot, they're not people I really connect with or could 'ever' live with. I don't see his old 'family' helping 'us,' but more so just him.

I hope if they were to ever say I was not invited he would stick up for me. Because he always said if I wasn't allowed then he wouldn't accept that, since, if I am insulted or ever left out it's like insulting him, no matter who does it.

I am just journaling my depressive thoughts right now.. I guess I'm going to get back to going through my stuff and getting rid of more and clearing out the junk. It kinda helps.

July 13:

"Love is best measured in what we forgive."

In 'what' we can forgive. Well I've forgiven, forgiven, and forgiven. Even what should be unforgivable. Even my 'worst' fears back in 2019... out of how true ans genuine my love is for you. You were worth fighting through it for.

💜💜 I carry these things with a heavy heart, but I continue on with you, loving you as fierce as when we got together, smiling at your texts, feeling butterflies at your voice. Longing for your touch simply because it is yours. Yet I am carrying these silent, heavy weights inside. I'm waiting for you to come home. Wanting to go on dates our little dates, have little dates at home even. Wanting to cook together, wanting to bake deserts for you. I want to sprawl out on you in bed at night. I want you to lay close to me, sleeping peacefully, because you feel safe and at home beside me. I want to brush your hair with my fingers. 💜💜

If I get upset because of your deceitful actions, then you get upset at me because I reacted to your actions that blatantly hurt me, it's not the same thing. It's just you being held accountable. And it's okay!!

When I explain how you made me feel, it's not me trying to argue. And if you say "I'm tired of this" when I bring up anything you did to break trust and hide it from me, then that's dodging responsibility and also heartbreaking. You're tired of me for finding out you hurt me and hide it from me? But you love me and cry for me? ... Are you just upset with yourself but taking it out on me? Baby, I'm hurt, I'm mad, but I'm right here in front of you wanting you! Loving you as ever before! Stop and see that! Shame and guilt should be felt for deceitful behavior, especially when you still say how much you love me, but it's going to be okay! Let me love you and show you I am still here for you! But you can't call them mistakes and there are no excuses. Pills aren't even an excuse. That's not how that works. I've spilled my heart out countless times, so you know exactly how I was going to feel.

But I'm here. Be vulnerable with me right now.

💔 Now.. as for the heavy heart; Here goes...

Remember, I'm fighting for you. I'm really, truly fighting for us. You always wanted that.. Well here it is. I mean.. do you think I'm stupid for staying with you? I don't think you feel that way, so come on! I don't think that either.

Candy ai. It was searched and visited a few times last year. Even searched and visited a few times THIS year; 2026. June 14th even?! 💔 That's days after you said I was still yours and you're mine. March and January too. But... Never mind the rest of what I wanted to say right now. That's, that's in the secret email I made for us...

Wow..... Heh. ^-^ *Softly smiles* ...

That.. That really hurts. It's pretty painful. I've visited it to see what it was. I know what that AI app/site's about. You literally can't get past the first page without picking a sex animation. So... which one did you pick?.. Realistic, anime? What did you try to create her to look like? :' /

You, You weren't like that...

... I.. guess I deserved it. I must have deserved it.

I'm sorry I'm not AI...

You tell me I deserve some (stupid) great things, but then what of deceit? ... I don't feel like I deserve great anything. I can't even not be decieved by anyone. I hope when you say those things it isn't just an excuse.

This is what I want to confess to you. How I know these things... Own my actions of finding out. To take responsibility..

But, I did find out I was being hurt... Which you've told me before a person should have a right to find out.

You have got to appreciate I am a girl who holds standards though. ♡

I wish we could grow the way we were always meant to together. Before phones took over our lives more and made us so distant. (That's your statement about *us* earlier on, being distant and on 'comps or phones on other sides of the room,' and that was BEFORE Ai even).

But since 2023, AI has somewhat seemingly become almost like an obsession of yours, not just an interest. I used the word 'almost.' If you'll someday see my secret email for us (if I give you the key there), you'll see what I mean. I actually go in depth there and I explain that it just feels like it. You mighr disagree and it may well not be true. You've blatantly told me in your opinion, me sending you tons of TikTok videos means I am obsessed with social media. But if that's the case, it's easy to see how you may be obsessed with AI then.

But I don't want to think that. It's just a feeling and I'm speaking out of sadness. Just look at what all you've done with them knowing it hurts me (you know exactly what I mean when I say that and I only mean 'those specific' things). Also, look at how many apps you've tried/used. The lengths at which you've tried to delve into them. Promising to never use specific ones again that caused relationship heartbreak but turned around and did it again anyways. The girlfriend AI apps should have been dropped when you said they would be after I found out (shouldn'thave happened to begin with). Gemini could have certainly been worked on, provided you never made that one particular gem again... For reasons. And hell, almost any AI is acceptable if you know how to be respectful of your relationship, or even any male AIs. I wouldn't have a single trust issue with male AIs, because I trust and knkw you won't try any funny business with them.

Before AI blew up, I told you in a fantasy future I worried you'd choose a robot over me, which you assured would never happen in any universe . Heh..... You spoke so surely and could guarantee it even. But then AI chat bots got popular and, yeah... I think.. I don't want to actually think.

Am I just really stupid? For believeing in anything? And I kinda feel like something that happened in 2021-present is why some of it even ever happened. You didn't even doubt it when we discussed it before. Something that impaired you to do the things you wouldn't have otherwise done.

Sad part is... You really could have got me into AI a little more. Like, I could accept it more as some futuristic chatbot thing. I could be excited for it like you maybe or at least for you.. I love technology... It was until the f'd up shit you did with it that broke trust, your word/boundaries, and more importantly my heart/us is where I started to resent it. I can't even enjoy or like Detroit: Become Human anymore. Anything with androids and robots just hurts me because I feel like I know the outcome with you.

If you've come this far, after my private messages here on Tumblr.. then 🌠🔑📧 you can find the secret email and password written on stationary with 'Frisky' cat's face in your tote that has your baby/child photos... 📧🔑🌠 'Frisky' is the plush kitty I got you when we were teenagers. You'll see it.

I'm sorry for everything, Loki. And.. thank you for being the best part of my life. There's way more good and always will be.

August 4th:

Within 2 days, just this past June, you said these things and I quote; "if you really love me" "if you truly love me" "if you love me" and once more "if you love me." I did so for you. Now it's my turn. Loki, if you truly love me you will show me the candy ai account/s, the Nomi account/s, and dating app accounts and *delete* them so that they do not exist out there. You once gladly deleted a dating site account back in 2016 after you came back and told me you had one once. Please. My request, like you make requests for me, is to *show me*, don't hide anything, and let me hug you and tell you thank you and we're all good. Like adults.

I will be angry, hurt, but oh well for me. I will just prove to you that I still want you!!

(It's not privacy. Candi ai, any deceit, any broken trust/boundaries aren't privacy. It's secrecy. It is my business. I deserve to know. I don't want to know your 'innocent' comments or journal entries. Innocent is innocent. Keep those to yourself. I want to know what you're guilty of within 'us.' That's different. Please don't be afraid! Please. I'm not going to yell. You yell at me, but I will not yell at you like that. I will just hold you close! Trust me. Trust IN me!)

You tell me many times if I ever want to see your AI chats, I can ask to see them. But when I do, you get very defensive. Again, I don't care about your innocent private thoughts. I can honestly move past those with such a quick glance I don't even notice what you said. But my eyes can catch deceiving wording pretty quickly. You tell me I can ask to see but then act guilty. It's so confusing... I hope the character roleplays have stayed respectfully tame. I don't know if you still do those or not, but you told me I could trust you. I remember when you never gave me any reason to ever doubt you, because you didn't do guilty things. We were pretty amazing. We are more amazing now than we ever were. Let's continue Baby.

Aug 4, random thought:

You also have no filter when it comes to telling me the things you're tired of. Like me just not being hungry (Aug 3rd). I have been snacking and eating what I can tolerate/have an appetite for. I tell you what I get to eat. It was not a big deal. I want you to know that while you may choose to tell me what you are tired of, I choose not to. I feel like I lose either way it goes. You tell me you're tired of something, I worry you'll leave. If I were to tell you what all I get tired of that you do (lies, AI affairs, drug abuse and what it makes you like at me, anytime you snap at me too), I feel like you'll just want to leave me/tell me I should leave. You don't see the bigger picture where I want you. That you can be annoyed and still truly love and want to be with someone. Remember, I used to be a meaner person way back. So if I am 'meek' now, it's me choosing to take pain and protect us. And truthfully, this is the real me anyways. Not years of pent up anger from losing a mother who never cared about me. I am truly someone who cares deeply, loves truly, and would do almost anything to make her Loki happy.