Kid Brother
It’s late but you don’t send me away to bed It’s dark and the stars pick out shapes and swirls in the black velvet sky I make up stories point out characters You know it’s bullshit but you nod make all the right noises You tell me I got one wrong and make up an outrageous lie about the diamond string above us I screech laughter And I feel your eyes watching me It’s late but we’re not tired I want to eat something and you Indulge me Put your arm around me Take me to an all-night diner I ask for a milkshake and you laugh You call me a kid And it’s fine It’s fantastic I’ll be a kid forever if it means you’ll smile like that If it means you’ll hug me like that You’ll hold me and touch me and kiss me like that It this how kid brothers act? You’re a kid brother, too, but I won’t ask if you act this way with him. I know the answer So I’m loud And rude And too familiar And you don’t stop me So I hug And I kiss And I do other things And you let me And you won’t tell me you love me but I know I wouldn’t love you if you didn’t. Something crackles between us The love I have for my brother? Maybe I never had one before When it’s dark I crawl under the sheets Under your arm You doze and I listen to your breath and your heart My brother Is this what brothers do? But I’m ahead of myself The diner is empty Except for you And me And the tired man behind the counter The milkshake comes and it’s thick and sweet And before I can start you pull the glass towards you Your hand Wrapped around The tall cold thing And before I can speak you drink my treat Your lips Pursed Focused And I want to protest but my tongue isn’t working I’m thinking Something a kid brother shouldn’t think About that straw in your mouth And when you’re done the glass is half empty And I’m nearly spent But I bluster and shriek I pretend to hit you And my face feels so hot that I nearly pour the rest of the milkshake over my head I could do it Kid brothers do stupid shit like that all the time Don’t they? But my mouth is dry and I’m thirsty And you lean back and smile Your eyes crinkly and shiny And as my heart Slowly Thuds Back to life I tell you I hate you And you look me in the face And call me a liar With that big-brother shit-eating grin. It’s late And you ask if I want to stay with you tonight Maybe there’s something in that Something in the way you raise an eyebrow Or look at me a little too long Of course You can’t leave your kid brother alone Who knows what mischief he’ll make? I nod And as your lips curl I wonder if the sun always comes up this early. Then we’re yawning Laughing at the synchronicity. It’s late, you say. It’s too late.
