Just Keep Swimming

This blog contains posts on PTSD, trauma, quotes, as well as personal experiences. Feel free to get in touch.

[queendopamine]

Just a friendly reminder that the brain of those who have suffered trauma is physically different than a “normal brain”. Trauma and abuse has a severe, long-term psychological and neurological effect. This is why you have difficulty concentrating, why you have trouble sleeping, why you can’t seem to stay focused, why you cry at the drop of the hat, why you’re not satisfied with yourself, why you think everything is your fault, why you think you’re toxic, why you’re full of regret and you don’t know why.

And get this. When you experienced this trauma, no matter how long it happened or how many times, your brain instantaneously made judgments about the world, your sense of self, and others. This is why you’re paranoid. Why you trust no one. Why you perceive things to exist that aren’t true in reality. It’s why people say you’re crazy, over-dramatic, or too emotional.

You may not heal in a day, but know this: it is not your fault. Your brain is responding to trauma.

[supergecko64-deactivated2015122]

this is also why you may have memory problems - undergoing severe trauma or prolonged periods of stress can cause the amygdalae in your brain to change shape, thus causing damage to long-term memory and troubles with making and maintaining short-term.

[nytetyger-blog]

thank you

[ptcharliesd]

[...] trauma is actually NOT the story of what happened a long time ago; trauma is residue that’s living inside of you now; trauma lives inside of you in horrible sensations, panic reactions, uptightness, explosions, and impulses.

Bessel van der Kolk, http://m.dailygood.org/story/1901/trauma-in-the-body-an-interview-with-dr-bessel-van-der-kolk-elissa-melaragno/

[ptcharliesd]

I saw that what is so terrible about trauma is not abuse itself, no matter the brutality of treatment, but the way terror marks the body and then becomes invisible and inarticulate. This was the case even when someone could tell a story or reconstruct a memory. There was always something unsayable, too.

Annie G. Rogers, The Unsayable: The Hidden Language of Trauma

[furiousgoldfish]

i laugh when people say “it was a long time ago” yeah? so was war. i don’t see anyone forgetting about it. so was entire fucking history! and we’re still learning about it. do you think shit that happened long ago doesn’t trigger current events every single day? do you not think we should take past events into consideration when planning for new ones? do you think everything inconvenient to you should be forgotten? it was long fucking time ago and you still don’t feel like owning up to your actions? maybe that says something about you, and not me.

[furiousgoldfish]

Experience of living in abuse is one of the constant feeling of being left out. You’re left out of your own family, you don’t feel like you’re one of them, or like everything that’s theirs is yours, or like they want you around. You feel like you’re the extra, the burden, someone who is only a complication to their life. Like everything would be better if only you weren’t around. Abusive parents will often reinforce this feeling and try to convince you that everyone else sees you as burden as well. Friend’s parents giving you a ride? How could you inconvenience them like that. Being invited to a party? How are you going to make up to them for feeding you. Going to hang out at friend’s house? They’re probably tired of you and don’t want you around. It keeps happening until you feel like you’re a burden everywhere you go.

And then you’re always thinking of how to be useful enough, how to do enough to not be considered a hindrance, how to be good enough for something, how to deserve to exist, and to be a part of something. Even your appearance, your tone of voice, your clothing, your manners, everything seems to be exposed to criticism, and not good enough. In your group of friends, you keep analyzing if you do enough to make up for the face they’re keeping you company, you try to not have any needs or desires that would take up their time and energy. You’re always focused on how you might be dragging someone down or slowing them down, or being in their way of something. Making up reasons why you’re not good enough, or why people would probably be happier if only you weren’t in their life.

And there’s always something, maybe you said something that wasn’t the best possible thing to say in that situation, maybe you couldn’t do your best at someting because you felt too depressed or anxious or struggled with executive dysfunction, maybe you didn’t give enough attention when someone asked it of you, maybe you were focused on your own problems for a bit and called selfish for it. It felt dreadful. Like every single rejection, abandonment, betrayal and hurt you experienced could be blamed on you, and you deserved that.

It’s not really the truth. We’re all humans, and we sometimes do things that inconvenience others. It doesn’t mean we’re burdens, or that we don’t deserve friends and company and love and all good things that come from socializing with others. People who would have us believe that every single thing we do wrong means it’s better if we didn’t exist, are people who don’t mind hurting us horribly, in order for us to be more useful to them. Abusers who make us incredibly self-conscious about how much we give to others, are those who want us spending our every minute of the day trying to be more useful to them - trying to make us live our lives for them, and not ourselves. It doesn’t really matter if you sometimes inconvenience others. People are like that. And people are also warm and clumsy and sometimes funny looking and they’re impossible to live without. You are one of those too.

[furiousgoldfish]

(TW) csa symptoms that are not talked about (let me know if you are struggling with this):

re-living some aspects of the abuse (feeling uncomfortable, aroused but scared, having intrusive thoughts and memories) every time you have to go to the bathroom

sick fantasies, attraction towards pain, humiliation, control or being controlled, rape fantasies, really cruel and twisted fantasies

feeling disgusted with yourself because of the sick fantasies, wondering what is wrong with you and if you’re some sort of monster for imagining that

trying to desperately stop the fantasies but eventually giving in and feeling guilty

trying to have normal fantasies but in the end most of them re-enact abuse in some way (one person is in power over another, something is forced against your will, you are pressured or forced into something, your assent is ignored or dismissed, one person is using another as an object or service, there’s manipulation, humiliation, abuse, violence and pain involved, the situation is one of obligation to have sex and not done out of true desire for intimacy)

losing your ability to refuse or reject someone when in sexual situation

losing your ability to say no or defend yourself in a sexual situation

losing your ability to speak in a sexual situation

even if you desire intimacy once in a sexual situation you find yourself just waiting until it’s over and doing anything to end it faster

inevitably feeling fear and strong possibility of getting hurt in a sexual situation

feeling like a child in a sexual situation

re-living all the emotions you felt during sexual abuse, in any sexual situation

feeling terrified of sex in general, but still craving it

belief that sex is the only true form of intimacy and feeling awful and destroyed for not being able to share that with anyone anymore

belief that nobody will want you like this and that you’re irreparably damaged

[furiousgoldfish]

(TW) csa symptoms that are not talked about (let me know if you are struggling with this):

re-living some aspects of the abuse (feeling uncomfortable, aroused but scared, having intrusive thoughts and memories) every time you have to go to the bathroom

sick fantasies, attraction towards pain, humiliation, control or being controlled, rape fantasies, really cruel and twisted fantasies

feeling disgusted with yourself because of the sick fantasies, wondering what is wrong with you and if you’re some sort of monster for imagining that

trying to desperately stop the fantasies but eventually giving in and feeling guilty

trying to have normal fantasies but in the end most of them re-enact abuse in some way (one person is in power over another, something is forced against your will, you are pressured or forced into something, your assent is ignored or dismissed, one person is using another as an object or service, there’s manipulation, humiliation, abuse, violence and pain involved, the situation is one of obligation to have sex and not done out of true desire for intimacy)

losing your ability to refuse or reject someone when in sexual situation

losing your ability to say no or defend yourself in a sexual situation

losing your ability to speak in a sexual situation

even if you desire intimacy once in a sexual situation you find yourself just waiting until it’s over and doing anything to end it faster

inevitably feeling fear and strong possibility of getting hurt in a sexual situation

feeling like a child in a sexual situation

re-living all the emotions you felt during sexual abuse, in any sexual situation

feeling terrified of sex in general, but still craving it

belief that sex is the only true form of intimacy and feeling awful and destroyed for not being able to share that with anyone anymore

belief that nobody will want you like this and that you’re irreparably damaged

[aja-r-2]

Are You Dissociating?

“Dissociating is one of the most common responses to abuse and trauma. It involves feeling numb, detached or unreal and (while it happens to everyone once in a while) is experienced more frequently and severely in survivors. Dissociating people vary widely in symptoms and may experience any or all of the things from the following list.

You may be dissociating if you:

• find yourself staring at one spot, not thinking anything • feel completely numb • feel like you’re not really in your body, like you’re watching yourself in a movie. • feel suddenly lightheaded or dizzy • lose the plot of the show or conversation you were focused on • feel as if you’re not quite real, like you’re in a dream • feel like you’re floating • suddenly feel like you’re not a part of the world around you • feel detached and far away from other people, who may seem mechanical or unreal to you • are very startled when someone/something gets your attention completely forget what you were thinking just a moment ago • suddenly cover your face or react as if you’re about to be hurt for no reason • can’t remember important information about yourself, like your age or where you live • find yourself rocking back and forth • become very focused on a small or trivial object or event • find that voices, sounds or writing seem far away and you sometimes have trouble understanding them. • feel as if you’ve just experienced a flashback (perhaps rapidly) but you can’t remember anything about it. • perceive your body as foreign or not belonging to you”

[infpisme]

Traumatic events, by definition, overwhelm our ability to cope. When the mind becomes flooded with emotion, a circuit breaker is thrown that allows us to survive the experience fairly intact, that is, without becoming psychotic or frying out one of the brain centers. The cost of this blown circuit is emotion frozen within the body. In other words, we often unconsciously stop feeling our trauma partway into it, like a movie that is still going after the sound has been turned off. We cannot heal until we move fully through that trauma, including all the feelings of the event.

Susan Pease Banitt, The Trauma Tool Kit: Healing PTSD from the Inside Out

[double-blind-broken-mind]

Funny sides of Dissociative Identity Disorder

-Who changed my passwords?

-Who ate my food!? or Woah who made me food!

-Wow I look fabulous today, or, holy heck I look terrible!

-*hair constantly changing*

-enormous wardrobe

-Is this my body? 

-WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE! 

-That one Alter that loves junk food too much.

-HOW DID I DO THAT! *reactions to things your alters can do exceptionally better than you.*

-Child alter draws not on paper.

-Doesn’t need drugs to feel disconnected and strange.

-Feeling like you never eat but YOU TOTALLY DO.

-What day is it?

-What time is it?

-WHERE AM I?

-IS CONFUSE?!?

-That one Alter that makes you jealous of yourself.

-That one alter that never front’s enough to take substantial amounts of time but just enough for you to forget you were doing something.

-*Sneezes* *Switches*

-Partners/friends/children missing some of your alters

-Your children having “favorites”

- Being a mom and a dad and brother and a sister.

-

feel free to add on and reblog

[ptcharliesd]

your brain on trauma: how about we only vaguely remember this event, and we can't be sure if we made it up or dreamed it (if we say it out loud other people will accuse us of making it up or dreaming it so better we assume that on our own) or if it was real, but the consequences of this, seemingly made up event, are so severe we can't normally live our life, we feel anxious, ashamed, guilty, paranoid, restless and hurt, but however all these symptoms, they aren't proof enough that this event happened or that it traumatized us, no, maybe we just feel all that, because there's something wrong with us - we're weak, thats it, we made this up and now we feel horrible about it all on our own, there's no way it could have been real--

[achronicarchive-deactivated2020]

Bad parenting includes:

-Physically harming your child for any reason. No, it doesn’t work the way you think it does. No, your child doesn’t deserve it. You’re just an immature sadist who doesn’t know anything about conflict resolution and you certainly don’t know anything about having/raising another human being. Physical abuse encompasses hitting, shoving soap or vinegar down their throat, rough grabbing, etc. Instead of acting like a toddler, try talking to your kid.

-Punishing your child for not doing their homework. The modern education system’s stupidly unfair for a majority of people, especially compared to how it was decades ago. Plus there are several reasons for why your child isn’t doing well in school that doesn’t relate to them being lazy. They could be getting bullied. They could have one or several undiagnosed mental or physical illnesses. You might be an abusive parent which makes your child unable to focus on anything but escaping reality ‘cause you’ve made your household a stressful environment. Instead of jumping to conclusions about your child’s own shortcomings, try having an open dialogue with them like a responsible parent.

-Taking your child’s internet-accessing electronics as a punishment for disobedience/failure to conform to your or society’s expectations. You know what doesn’t help a person succeed in life? Depriving them of a means of escapism, communicating with others, obtaining unlimited information, and working on personal projects/projects that are vital to their career path. Most people need the internet to function in the modern world, and you have no idea how helpful internet access/access to technology is for those with mental health problems. Instead of tackling a possible symptom of a problem, tackle its source.

-Taking away your child’s privacy “for their own good/protection.” You don’t actually care about the physical and mental well-being of your child when you go through their devices, take away their locks/doors/curtains, read their diaries, and monitor their activity obsessively. You only make your child more distrustful of you and more unsafe in their own home. If you actually cared about your child, you’d give them space. If they want to talk about something that’s bugging them, they’ll come to you.

-Depriving your child of sleep and getting mad at them when they don’t perform well in their daily life. It doesn’t matter that they have to get up early for school. Teenagers’ circadian rhythms/melatonin levels aren’t the same as adults, and even if that weren’t the case, it’s COMMON SENSE that a full night of sleep is vital for your health. Either a) be understanding towards your child’s irritability and ineptitude at school/work/whatever, or b) work around their obligations and let them get uninterrupted sleep. Societal responsibilities are NOT more important than your child’s well-being.

-Blaming your child for their mental disabilities, depriving them of means to control their mental disabilities/not accommodating their special needs, or claiming they’re pretending/exaggerating. You have no right to say your child’s thoughts and feelings are invalid based on your own narrow-minded assumptions about reality and the human body. Do research before forcing your unfounded beliefs on your child, or even better, actually listen to your kid when they say they have a problem. And don’t give them your half-assed presumptuous diagnosis, especially if said diagnosis makes claims about your child being egocentric/a psychopath.

-Telling your child they can’t pursue their dreams because their dreams are apparently not as financially secure as more traditional jobs. You can’t expect every person on earth to be satisfied with an exhausting/creatively uninspiring/9 to 5 job. If you weren’t prepared to take care of your kid financially/offer emotional support during a time in which they’re pursuing their dream jobs, then why did you have kids in the first place? You don’t know the best career path for them, THEY do. Saying no to ambitions you deem “impossible to reach” or “unwise” just means that when your child is old and on their deathbed, they’ll have infinitely more regrets about not doing the things they really wanted than if they’d done what they loved decades ago. Money is a stupid human construct and while it’s necessary for survival, having an independent, large income ISN’T (this assumes you have enough resources to care for your child, which you SHOULD already have.)

-Telling your child their negative feelings towards you are unfounded. You’re not a god, and if you claim to be anything close to infallible, then you’re a narcissist. Listen to your child’s criticisms. Be open to change. You don’t know everything just 'cause you’re their parent/an adult.

-Purposely having multiple individual kids when you can’t financially/emotionally support each and every one of them. (Not that this needs to be said, but I’m not referring to having multiple kids in one birth, I’m referring to many, purposeful births). You’re not allowed to just have as many kids as you want without thinking about the long-term consequences. These are actual human beings you’re choosing to care for, each with their own wants and needs. If you create an environment where there’s not enough money/food/space for every member of your family, then reconsider having kids. (Of course it’s a different matter if the lack of finances is unplanned.) It doesn’t matter that society pressures you into it. It’s still your choice. (in the words of adults everywhere, “if your friends told you to jump off a cliff, would you?”)

-Forcing your religion onto your child when they disagree with it. Your view on spirituality isn’t special; your beliefs are one of several in existence, and trying to indoctrinate your child into believing the same things as you either won’t work or will create a toxic belief founded on fear of judgment/punishment instead of something genuine.

-Convincing your child that you’re the only one who actually cares about them and that they wouldn’t survive in the outside world without you. I don’t know if you understand the concept of friendship, romance, or just basic human sympathy, but I guarantee you’re not the only person who’d care about your child. Blood relatives are drops in an ocean of billions of humans, humans ranging from strangers who can provide helpful services to friends who would probably be willing to lend money/housing/etc if the people they cared about needed it. If you’ve somehow convinced yourself you’re the only person in the world who’ll be there for your kid when they need help, then you’re probably not.

-Mocking your child’s appearance (too fat, too skinny, etc). Teenagers are already struggling with body image issues and the last thing they need is for their parents to point out flaws. It doesn’t matter that you didn’t mean anything when you made your comments, it still makes an impression, and even if you do mean it, your subjective perception isn’t objective truth.

-Threatening to kick your child out. YOU chose to have a kid. YOU chose to take full responsibility of their physical and mental health. You have absolutely no right to threaten them with homelessness just 'cause they’re different/disobedient. If you can’t recognize that, then you’re unfit to be a parent. Either try to fix the situation without forcing your own child out of their home, or get professional help to manage it.

In short:

-You don’t know how to care for your child just 'cause you created them.

-You don’t know how to care for your child just 'cause you’re older.

-You’re a flawed human being like everyone else, and odds are your (older) child knows more about what they need to live a happy, fulfilling life than you do.

-Good intentions don’t make you a good parent. Good actions do.

-No one asked to be born. Children don’t owe you affection/obedience for bringing them into this world.

-Empathizing with your child/appealing to their empathy and capacity to learn is the best form of parenting.

~Sincerely, a victim of parental abuse.

[womanifesting]

“Emotional abuse works like this: You are screamed at, and then, not knowing any better, you stand up for yourself. You think this is a way of being strong. You think this is a defense tactic.But this only provokes more screaming. Going silent provokes more screaming too, but usually it keeps the threats to the minimum. It keeps it just at screaming and not: a shove down the stairs, or order to pack your stuff and get out. So you learn how to go silent. How to play dead. How to cry without making a noise. How to swallow noise. How to wipe your cheeks, get out of the car, and go about your day. You learn. And when the screaming has stopped, when the two of you are in the car or out to dinner and they’re all smiles, all asking for favors, all questions, you are still hurt and annoyed and want to ask them, how? How can you speak to me like that? How can you pretend you did not say those things? How can you have forgotten? But you’ve learned. So you listen to, “Can I borrow your key”s and “how was your day”s and you play dead. You swallow the noise. And sometimes it doesn’t matter who is speaking to you, it doesn’t matter if they’re a friend, it doesn’t matter if their criticism is constructive, it doesn’t matter. You’ve learned. Any sort of speaking, any raising of the voice, any insult and you play dead.”

— Good Girl, Lora Mathis (via lora-mathis)

[neurodivergentaf]

not knowing you had dissociative identity disorder is

“Man it’s so embarrassing i’ve had this imaginary friend for so long.”

getting scared because you ‘woke up’ in a place you had no recollection of getting to

“I think i’m straight” “No wait i’m bi” “No i’m gay” “Maybe I’m transgender?”

“I hope today is the day I act more social!” / “I hope today I’m magically smarter like other times!”

“haha wow I’ve been daydreaming a lot about me interacting with my OC’s”

feeling The Switch™ happening and being like “What the fuck”

headaches 

so many headaches

to-do lists ranging from grocery shopping to brushing your teeth

feel free to add more

[wordsnquotes]

I’m fighting myself. I know I am. One minute I want to remember. The next minute I want to live in the land of forgetting. One minute I want to feel. The next minute I never want to feel ever again.

Benjamin Alire Sáenz, Last Night I Sang to the Monster (via wordsnquotes)

[thatdiabolicalfeminist]

Kids who sought out sexual/romantic interactions with adults…

because they were lonely and needed human interaction/attention

or had emotional needs not being met

because they thought it was the price of being treated with care

or because it was a way to understand/reenact/overwrite/escape previous trauma

because they thought it was normal

or because they had picked up the message that this was how to be daring and cool and sexy/mature

or because they didn’t really understand how it would affect them

because they felt like they deserved it

or because they thought there wasn’t a big difference and “age is just a number”

or because being sexual around adults was the only time people said nice things to them or seemed to like them or notice them

or for any other reason

… still did not deserve the abuse they suffered.

Kids who initiate flirtation with adults still don’t deserve abuse.

Adults who aren’t abusers will not take advantage of a kid’s crush or advances. It’s the adult’s responsibility to set clear boundaries and enforce them. It’s an adult’s responsibility to not become sexually or romantically involved with a child. Adults who do are abusers.

Children did not cause those adults to become abusers. Children cannot tempt nonabusers into becoming abusers. Children are never responsible for adults deciding to abuse.

Even if you feel like you made it really easy for them to abuse you, being vulnerable to abuse around a nonabuser doesn’t result in abuse. Your vulnerability wasn’t the cause of the abuse. Their choices were.

It’s not your fault, it was never your fault.

[furiousgoldfish]

There are things that are inexcusable, unforgivable, and never ever allowed for parent to do to a child, no matter the circumstances, no matter what you did, no matter how they did it or what they intended. If a parent, or anyone else, does this, you do not have to forgive them, you do not have to let it go, you do not have to leave it in the past, and you do not have to trust this person ever again.

1. Physical violence. Beating, slapping, spanking, throwing objects, breaking your possessions, using a weapon, physically forcing you into actions against your will, not allowing sleep or eating, forcing physical contact, forcing eating, physical intimidation and threat of violence. All are inexcusable, you cannot provoke them, each one a crime against your person.

2. Death Threats. It doesn’t matter how they said it, if they dismissed it as a joke, if you couldn’t tell if they really meant it, if you think you shouldn’t have taken it seriously. A death threat, no matter how subtle, vague or in which tone it was said, causes permanent inability to feel safe. It is not acceptable for anyone, in any tone of voice, any situation, to imply or threat discontinuation of your life.

3. Slurs. Insults that were used for a long term to dehumanize, devalue, and express hatred towards entire groups of people are not to be used on a child! By their own parents! Slurs are expressions of utmost hatred and disgust, desire to harm and dehumanize, there is no excuse for using them on you, and certainly no need to forgive anyone who demands that you are not a human being.

4. Blackmail. Being forced to shape your decisions, your actions, words and emotions around a threat of being stripped of your well being, knowledge that unless you do what is asked of you, you will be forced to bear harm, to endure abuse that you find unbearable, being forced into a corner and having to allow yourself to be controlled in order to survive, that is not humane, that is not forgivable.

5. Psychological Abuse. A parent demanding that the abuse is for your own good, telling you that hurting you will make you better, demanding that you’re weak for getting hurt, degrading you to an animal or object, insisting that the abuse is your own fault, demanding that you deserve pain, that you need it, convincing you they’re not hurting you at all while they abuse you, gaslighting your senses, minimizing all that you are and all that you do, dismissing your humanity and brainwashing you to doubt yourself, doubt your worth, doubt your abilities, doubt your value, this is complete psychological destruction of a person and not something you could ever forgive.

6. Sexual Abuse. In any form. I’m not only talking sexual contact, a parent is not allowed to look at you in sexual way, talk about you or at you in a sexual way, comment subtly on your sexuality or your body, spy on your private moments, expose you to sexual material, imply in any way they own or control your sexuality, compare you to anyone sexually or in any way degrade you to a sexual object in their eyes. And they are not to ever, ever, touch you in a sexual way. Not even think about it. If you even get a predatory or sexual vibe from one of your parents, it’s wrong. It’s unsafe. No trust.

7. Humiliation. Both public and private. Forcing shame and degradation on you in front of others is psychologically and socially destructive, it causes trauma, toxic shame, and emotional isolation from others, it puts you apart as if you’re somehow less, unwanted and seen as disgusting by the social environment. It can hurt just as much knowing that in private, with someone you trust, you’re being used as a toy for their sadism. This kind of abuse is not from a person who could ever care about you. It’s not forgivable. 

8. Emotion policing. Absolutely nobody gets to decide what you should and shouldn’t be feeling. Nobody gets to interfere with you feeling your own feelings. Nobody gets to punish you for the way you feel. Nobody gets to tell you how you feel. Anyone trying to police and control your emotions is a danger. Anyone demanding for your emotions to be convenient to them is a danger. Nobody gets to compromise your own ability to experience and feel your own life in order to benefit and get what they want from you. Anyone trying to do so is destroying your emotional well being for their own selfishness. And you don’t ever have to forgive someone who was ready to destroy you for their gain.

9. Trauma invalidation. Any kind of invalidation hurts. All and any invalidation of your feelings, memories, opinions and conclusions hurts. It’s all painful and dangerous abuse, and it can hurt you as far as pushing you into insanity. But trauma invalidation is the most destructive, harmful, and hateful kind of abuse. Someone invalidating what already destroyed you will add up to the original trauma and reinforce it. It’s personal. It’s sabotaging your recovery. It’s pushing you further into trauma. It’s extremely malicious and deteriorating to your life and your health. You do not have to ever forgive it. You can do all it takes to stay safe from it.

10. Pushing into suicide. No matter what circumstances or intention, if you are feeling close already, and someone decides to give you a final push, give you extra reasons or ideas to why you should do it, imply that it would be better if you were dead and if you ended yourself, or in another way cause this “close” to get “closer”,  they are a huge danger. This is equivalent to a murder attempt, and it should be taken very seriously. Keep yourself safe from this kind of abuse at any cost. Your life is on the line. You do not ever have to forgive a murder attempt, in any form.