HELLO mothers and fuckers of the jury

he/him (trauma vent blog)

[marconeedshugs]

27.07.2020

[traumacope-backup]

June 2020.

[amourduloup-deactivated20210512]

Cut, Catherine Lacey / Hannibal NBC / In The Dream House, Carmen Maria Machado / Fire Walk With Me / Horoscope, Rob Brezsny / Thelma

[hel7l7]

SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD MAKE YOU FEEL THE PAIN THAT CAUSED ME

[ptsdghoul]

idk...maybe I should cut again? make everything a little less horrible?

[ptsdghoul]

I'm not sweet or caring or loving. im obsessive, disgusting, overbearing, and worst of all a liar.

[ptsdghoul]

I honestly think u should break up with me it seems like I'm gonna keep dragging you down and making your mental health worse the longer we go on and you shouldn't have to deal with that just bc I can't get my shit together. like. how many more years are u gonna waste with a guy who cant handle affection when. ur the most affectionate person on the planet. and that aint soemthing that changes with therapy that's just soemthing I am bc some people .. just aren't that affectionate. or a guy whos always blaming his mental health on you as if ur the Messiah who can fix that. yea right. I hoenstly can't believe we're still together cuz im the worst. I guess I'm just that good of a manipulator?

[ptsdghoul]

anybody else fucking love mind altering suvstances

[jarofblades]

impulses

[ptsdghoul]

i just now couldn’t help but think back to the one vague memory i have of watching my dad get arrested but strangely enough my mind was pulled to the direction of the police. 

the memory is really, really vague but as much as i remember there were I think two policemen, and i remember myself in the hallway just kind of staring and watching and i can’t help but wonder what the policemen thought. did you think poor child i feel bad she has to witness this? do you wonder how i’ll grow up? do you know the statistic of children in abused households? did you think about the trauma i’d live with after the fact? do you wonder where i am now? if you knew what i was like would you think ‘well, that makes sense’? 

[bitter-and-brooding]

Lack of empathy also means lack of distress from other people’s problems and, frankly, sometimes I’m grateful I can see a tragedy happen to someone and just continue my day five minutes later. If not else it’s productive.

[trauma-rat]

swedish fish taste like childhood trauma

[ptsdghoul]

oo yeah i felt this one. ppl don't realize u can get all kinds of sensory flashbacks from food and shit. i gotten em from like. candy corn. smell of certain cologne. literally just pictures of horses.

[bitter-and-brooding]

Things guilt-tripping me into feeling bad for people will make me do:

Get incredibly angry

Get exhausted

React in ways you’ll disapprove of

Think the person I should feel bad for is a weight

Think you’re annoying

Things it won’t make me do:

Suddenly feel empathy

[ptsdghoul]

its getting REALLY dark in here.

[ptsdghoul]

im sad again and everyone is tired ofhearing about it. .my grief fills others with grief. even when i try to unload the hurt, it just hurts everyone else. how can i not internalize it? how can i keep internalizing it?

[ptsdghoul]

i can literally just like...share a happy thing with them...and still wind up feeilng like shit after. hm. 

[ptsdghoul]

something is wrong with me. very wrong. wish they had seen it. cauterized it. long time ago. i wasnt ever meant to be born