I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow
Apart from the fact that I was exhausted, today was a pretty decent day. Went to see a friend to do some creative stuff. Finally continued with my embroidery piece! We listened to a popular podcast in our country about some interesting crime thingy. (We only listened to the most recent episode cause someone from our voluntary job was in there according to the group chat. Turns out they are going to be in next weeks episode lmao.) Still it was really fun and sparked on some interesting convo's. Then I biked home through the rain and a little bit of thunder eek and just crashed in bed. Which was alright, didn't feel too shit about it. Got up around dinner time and made dinner, cleaned up, did a bit of journaling, fixed my eyebrows and bleached all the other facial hair I could live without lmao.
Too bad that my mood switched completely halfway through the evening. Just chaos. Despair. Sadness that takes over everything. Anxiety that tenses up my whole body. I hoped writing would help, then I hoped the other things would help. Ended up crying through most of what I did... Try to tell myself it is ok. It all feels so overwhelming. I reach out and then hate myself for reaching out. I hate myself for trying. It all feels so fucking useless. I know I'm doing the right things. It just sucks that nothing is a quick fix, you know? Reaching out to my friends and talking about things is good. There's just this dark cloud following me that just keeps going with the suicide bs. Driving me fucking nuts.
Going to therapy tomorrow feels like a waste of time. (I know it isn't.) It is just that I feel so tired of talking about the same shit on repeat without feeling like it's getting any better. We need to discuss that I probably need to change to another therapist and it's something I'm both looking forward to and absolutely hate. So not really excited to talk about that and I really really really do not want to go. Everything that happens just feels like too much. Seeing friends and getting through the day is as much as I can handle. Every difficult thing that I need to think about or triggers more emotions just overwhelms me again and just throws me off balance even more? I think. I don't know maybe I'm just tired.
