hel7l7

[sideblog] - INSTAGRAM: @HEL7L7 - all art is queued - Age: 26 - Pronouns: they/them/she/her

[hel7l7]

Like atm istg I’m not going outside anymore

[hel7l7]

I think an hour of screaming would do me really good. Just leave me in a corner and let me get this out.

[hel7l7]

I received a couple more asks about the person who sent me asks last night. I appreciate the support that's being given about my crisis-situation! Those messages really mean a lot to me and I will save them for myself.

However I don't think that going even deeper into this is a good idea. I'm sure anon didn't have any bad intentions.

[hel7l7]

I keep crying till my head hurts and my hands are shaking

[hel7l7]

I deleted yesterday's post. Maybe I just didn't word things right.

[hel7l7]

Also I'm tired of the 'make-positive-art' comment. You don't HAVE to follow me and look at my art. For me it's cathartic to make these pieces, for many people it's something that brings comfort, makes them feel less and seen. It's vent-art for a reason. This blog is part of my life and not my whole life. 🫶🏻

[hel7l7]

I wish I could do something to help from probably thousands of miles away, but you don't need to apologize for being too negative. it's your blog, and you have every right to express how you're feeling here. especially when the crisis team that's supposed to be helping you with that is instead scolding you and brushing you off. I hope things get better for you soon

Thank you anon 🫶🏻 It really does mean a lot to me that people take the time to write these messages.

[hel7l7]

its almost impossible that theres not someone out there who cares about how youre doing. for example i do right now! it sounds really hard trust me but the ppl in your life want to hear it. evwn if its depressing just getting it out hekps. best of luck before ur therapist comes back💗💗💗🤗🤗🤗🤗🤗🫶🫶🫶🫶🫶i love you

Hi anon,

This is so sweet. 🩷 I know people care about how I'm doing!!! Sorry if I let it seem like I forgot about that. Thank you for telling me that you care too. And thank you for your message! 3 more weeks before my therapists gets back whoop haha! Take care <3 -Bear

[hel7l7]

can’t help the helpless

YOU have to be the one to save yourself, not anyone else, so don’t blame other people for that. Ofc it’s gets exhausting, you have to snap out of your bullshit & chill the fuck out, learn to control your emotions & thoughts.

Hi Anon, By no means I do want this to come over like I'm fully in the right. After all I'm the one doing this to myself.

Part of me wants to explain myself, to add details about my life and situation in the hopes of you understanding it all better. Although I wonder if that's helpful. I'll try to reply a bit more without going to much in depth about it all.

I know I have to save myself. I am very aware of that. That doesn't make it less sucky that the whole therapy system that's there for support is failing. Not that they will be the ones to save me, but they can be the ones who help.

I am not blaming anyone for not saving me or not doing more. Everyone is doing their best. I can see that. I think my message from yesterday might have come across a bit differently than I intended it to. It's a bit hard to explain all the ways our system works here, and all the specific details about the situation. So what I posted was vague and incomplete.

And dear, if only I could snap the fuck out of it... I haven't wished for anything else since this hell started.

My suicidal-behavior is not based on logic. It's not rational thinking. It's not just impulse-driven. A part of me wishes it was, but I'm still trying to figure out how exactly it works and how to stop it. Cause believe me, there's nothing I want more than to stop this cycle.

I lose myself in those moments. Things happen that I do not have any recollection of. It's all vague. I remember fragments afterwards. Some parts are very clear to me. At the same time there's plenty of things I don't remember. I don't remember leaving the house. I often don't remember the things I say to people in those moments. I am not saying this because I want to paint myself the victim. Just to give a better explanation of what it is like. (And if anyone has tips?)

This all was chaotic and I may still have explained myself too much. I don't know.

-Bear

[hel7l7]

you’re genuinely a pussy for thinking that suicide is the only way out of something. stop being so damn weak. there’s SOOOOOOOO MUCH in this life to live for, even if you can’t grasp the concept right now. bro just try & make the effort to see the good in things. make positive artwork, go to concerts, learn to bake, go to the beach, go to the movies, learn a new hobby.

It was lovely waking up to this. Honestly I've so many feelings about this message that I don't even really know where to start.

First, I think you mean well. To some part I even agree with the things you're saying. I do want to state that what you see on this page is far from everything in my life. It may seem that I'm stuck in a continues loop of self-pity and not trying at all to make something out of it.

While I maybe am experiencing more self-pity than regularly, I do also really try to get myself out of this shit. I do see my friends, I go out and distract myself. Sports/coffee with friends/dinner/movies/whatever. It's not like I'm in bed all day waiting for this to pass...

I won't bother you with too much more of my sad-shit. Yet I do want to mention that I KNOW suicide is not the solution. Even in the moments I'm overtaken by it I still know there's more. It really is some sort of fight in between the good/bad side in my head. It's not like I only and really believe suicide is the way out. Part of me does, but not all of me.

What I dislike about your message is being called a pussy and telling me to stop being weak. Like I said before, I think it's coming from a good place... There's this whole thing of people thinking suicide is cowardly and selfish and I'm really not into that. It's more complex thn that (imo).

Although I'm not at my best and I wouldn't call myself weak and I do think I've actually really been trying to get through this. I mentioned before that this blog/my insta is only a part of my life, so I really get if things come across more bleak than they are. Just maybe don't make such big statements about someone you don't really know.

[hel7l7]

Hi! I hope this isnt insensitive to ask but pls feel free not to responnd for any reason at all but I just found ur blog and wondered if u are a SRA survivor? I love ur art and so sorry things are hard right now

Hi there, Thank you for your message <3 I had to look up what SRA was 🙈 But no I'm not a SRA survivor. I've experiences with CSA. If you've been through SRA, I'm sending you much love and strength, cause gosh that must be horrible. 🩵

Hope you're okay

Take care -

Bear

[hel7l7]

Part of me thinks it’s absolutely insane what’s happening. I’m terrified of myself.

[hel7l7]

Tell me, when does the pain stop?

[hel7l7]

I wish I didn't need you this much

[hel7l7]

sorry for being so negative lately

[hel7l7]

tw -

The police wants me to go to a mental health facility/suicide-watch, whatever you want to call it. (It's much different here than it is in the USA.) The woman I saw today (the cop) was so insanely pushy about this. Which I get, cause the constant drama is tiring for everyone. So I was lowkey forced to call the emergency-gp (they are like the first step if you want to speak to the crisis-team.) And the GP-woman said, on the phone, "Yeah, sorry we don't see a reason to see you, since this has been going on for so long and nothing has really changed."

Nothing has changed, meaning: I am constantly in crisis and almost every week the police is involved. Which has been going on for MONTHS, now. The police have mentioned before that there needs to be more support for me cause this has to stop, but no one gives a shit. Last time the crisis team told me, "Yeah, but you aren't really suicidal, you just say that you are."

I'm glad I didn't have to come in and see the crisis team. I hate them and they always make me feel like shit. The GP also read a bit of the notes from last time, which mentioned that I had been friendly and had made eye-contact.... Lmao

Even when the police get called on me to drag my ass back home, I am still making jokes with them. It's called COPING. I feel like shit. Super vulnerable. These powerful people come into play. I don't know how to behave. I just check out. It's not me they're talking with, it's a shell of the woman I am.

I have so many feelings about it all (again.) I have to call my own GP tomorrow. My therapist is still on holiday... It's not gonna change anything. The woman on the phone was right. No one can fix this. It has been like this for months. It just doesn't feel less endless when they mention things like that. It feels like everyone has just accepted that everything is shit and that we're just waiting for things to magically snap back to normal? I don't know.

I'm tired. I'm tired. I'm so bone deep exhausted. The darkness only keeps getting stronger and bigger and I try to hold on. I try really hard cause part of me doesn't want all of this. I don't know what to do...

[hel7l7]

my eyes get so fucking empty