blegggh

my own lil rant blog I guess. terfs, swerfs, and bootlickers need not interact. they/them

[pu22ygang]

I know one day I will be loved for who I am unconditionally and I will believe it wholeheartedly when someone says they love me, I wont try and figure out their ulterior motives or why they're probably lying to my face. One day that will happen to me, but I just wish it was now

I wish I believed the people I care about when they say they care about me, and I know in order to get to that point in my life I have to accept who I am and begin to love myself before I can accept that anyone else loves me either. It's weird to want love thinking it would cure my depression, even though I have plenty of it and my depression wont let me believe it anymore. Its wack haha

[pu22ygang]

Sometimes I wonder what's the point of living. I'm just an ugly fat gay loner, whose skin is as disgusting as their eating habits, I'm sure all of my friends secretly hate me, im useless. I'm unemployed, and for what? To go to uni? I'm failing my classes I'm sure, I may as well just fucking end everything before o get the chance to become an alcoholic again. No one will ever love me and I'm sure I deserve the worst in the world.

[pu22ygang]

Ever realize you dont know how to be physically affectionate?? Like when I had a mental breakdown about my own traumatic past a while back my closest friends -my family- hugged me and cuddled me in order to comfort me, and earlier tonight, my bro leaned his head on my shoulder and lowkey cuddled up to my side, which is very nice physical affection. But I dont know how to be physically affectionate. My family never was, I hug my parents once every time I see them (which is more than i did before i moved- which was like once a year, if that) and like never before that, when was the last time I curled up to my mothers side, or casually draped my legs over hers like my friends do? I wonder if that's why past relationships have failed? Because I don't know how to touch? Because I dont like to? Do I like to? It never bad if someone curls against me, but having to express myself to others is awful, I'd rather someone be uncomfortated and crying than me try and hug them. I just dont know how. and I hate my body so much I dont want to actively force it on others, or have anyone lean against me most times. Why am I so awful at this?

[pu22ygang]

Warnings: trauma, sexual assault, children getting hurt, abuse

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It's really wack how it takes other peoples reactions to shit to let you understand how severe it is. A while ago when I started my current psych class my prof mentioned repressed memories causing problems in the present. And he brought up a newly wed couple who couldnt get in on because of the wife's extreme fear everytime they tried to have sex. Turns out she was sexually abused by her older brother as a child and promptly repressed that shit while the family kinda covered it up, like no reason to put her through that again if it seems as though she forgot. Anyway, when I heard this it reminded me of my brother and my own fear of intimacy, and I thought "well, that was weird." As time went on i began to recontexualize my brothers relationship to me and all the mean shit he used to do to me. He would lock me in small closets for hours while listening to me cry and scream, he would constantly snoop through my own personal notes and diaries, once he tied me to my own bed, gagged me, and read my diary out loud to me. He would constantly manipulate me into doing his chores (through a recording of me calling him a bitch- I was very scared of my mother) and the more I realized, the more of those years I uncovered, surmounting in me remembering when he used to grab me from the shower, tie me up, blindfold and gag me to do all sort of unsavory things that I will not detail here.

Even after I had the slight revelation of what happened I still pushed it back and tried not to think about it, I hadn't seen my brother since January of 2018. And I managed for a bit until me and my 2 best bros got extremely drunk and started revealing some Deep Shit TM. We went on and whatever, emotions, secrets, vibes. We were all just sitting on our couch kinda cuddled on top of each other when I was like "yo, I think I was sexually abused by my brother" and started talking about it once they gave me the go ahead. When I finished my one friend was basically sobbing into my side and said "I'm so sorry you had to go through that" and I sat there stunned for a minute while comforting home because I just wasnt able to understand it as a horrible thing that happened to me. I kinda started laughing and was like "it wasnt all that dramtic" and then promptly had a panic attack, which my other friend calmed me down from, then everytime I thought about it I had another panic attack (she calmed me down from like all 300 of those too).

But it's just wild to me that it took watching someone break down at the thought of someone they love having to go through that shit, to even understand how awful that shit was for me. It's like my brain looked at my friend and said "that's the appropriate reaction to this scenario" and my body was like "for real? I've been doing this wrong the whole time? Aight"

Thank you for your time.