pulchra tormentum: beautiful torture.

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[heartvess]

what happens when you                         make fuck around and find out                               your whole personality?

a lot of unstable chaos mostly. and if you add in a little spice. well, you've got your own new brand of shitshow.

loved by Rocki. Personals DNI.

[pulchratormentum]

WE MOVED. FIND US HERE.

[heartvess]

let's talk about my absence && a cry for help.

Life has been, hectic. It just got worse, and I can assure you that it won't get better for a few months yet. There may be trigger warnings for some people, but I'll do my best to tag them accordingly:

A week ago, I took my mom to the Emergency Room. She'd been sick for a few days, and her fever just wouldn't come down. We thought maybe she had a gnarly cold since she home tested for Covid 3 times and all were negative. On Saturday, February 5th, the reality of why my mom was sick came to the worst outcome her team of doctors could give.

My mom was diagnosed with AML. AML is Acute Myeloid Leukemia. She has cancer. It isn't slow. It isn't nice, and it doesn't fucking care that she's otherwise healthy. That she has bills, a truck to pay off. It just doesn't fucking care. With Covid procedure, I'm only able to be with her for 12 hours a day. Daily. And the journey won't end when her 2 to 3 month hospital stay ends. With a blood cancer, we're doing the most aggressive treatment in a time where an infection is a wrong conversation away.

Chemotherapy began yesterday, and we are hopeful.

That doesn't help us right now. That doesn't help me make the missing payments on her truck, the rent, cellphone bills, and the bills of fighting fucking cancer.

So, I'm doing something I don't know if I'm ever going to good at doing. I'm asking for help.

For one year of payments on her truck, to save a business she's spent over 30 years wanting + all the other expenses mentioned above, my aunt, husband, and I started a gofundme. I know the number is daunting. It scares the shit out of me, too. I just really need help.

Any small donation, sharing, all of it will help. Take the link and help me get it out there? A few dollars towards her needs right now? Anything.

here is the link to the gofundme (and yes, I know it deadnamed me. my mom's well-being is more important):

Help us Fight with Mom Debbie, organized by Regina Cox

So, a lot of people know my mom, Deborah. She has been a trainer for truckers, a coach for bo… Regina Cox needs your support for Help us Fig

[heartvess]

what happens when you                         make fuck around and find out                               your whole personality?

a lot of unstable chaos mostly. and if you add in a little spice. well, you've got your own new brand of shitshow.

loved by Rocki. Personals DNI.

[pulchratormentum]

WE MOVED. FIND US HERE.

[pulchratormentum]

and we moved. consider this blog an archive. please read the rule attachment over there. 

[pulchratormentum]

and we moved. consider this blog an archive. please read the rule attachment over there. 

[pulchratormentum]

and we moved. consider this blog an archive. please read the rule attachment over there. 

[pulchratormentum]

yes, i am aware i just got back, but i am moving my baby girl. so, if you want it, like this. until then, i will return.

[pulchratormentum]

i burn for you.

it's too early for the world to be awake, locked away in that tiny canadian cabin and sharing feelings or outright lying. there is no in-between. the problem is, the tiny blonde has no way of telling the difference with her. she has no clue if danika is being honest in the casual way four words slip from her lips. it's enough to draw maddie short, ocean eyes squinting up at her.

" i've no clue if you're being serious or if you're fucking with me, but if you are- if you're being honest with me. " oh, you have her attention. she moves closer, tilting to brush gentle fingers along her cheek. " it sounds painful, and we both know that i am the last thing on earth you want to involve yourself with. "

but, she wants her to mean it. somewhere they'd tangled themselves so closely; woven a sanctuary where who they are or where they come from doesn't matter. and she doesn't know if she can say that. tell her that she wants her to stay instead of leaving before the sun rises. she wants to tell her she doesn't care what others think of her, and that she's pretty sure this is the craziest thing she's ever done. she wants to keep her in ways that the taller woman will never let her.

she wants to tell her so badly she's choking with it. and yet, she doesn't. she turns away to watch the sunrise through her windows as she always does. who is she to want?

here lies my last two braincells to respond to: ur shippy memes.

[pulchratormentum]

my absence is over! here is your update for anyone wondering:: Nothing triggering this time.

I got my associate’s degree after LITERAL years of putting off going to college. I am really proud of myself for cramming 6 classes in two weeks, so I am vibing about that! I got my meds adjusted to balance out my emotional and mental problems, so i feel more solid. We are moving FORWARD. I put firm boundaries with the narc. Which is big for me. I lost a friend, but it’s okay. I only want to see them thrive. I don’t want to continue to dwell on it. I am RE-OPENING shipping. With Dena. For now.  I feel so much better about being here, guys. I love you all, and thank you for the support and kind words through my breakdown.

[pulchratormentum]

i am slowly but surely filling the queue with things i owe!

[benedictervention-deactivated20]

MUSIC ASKS these are actually pretty fucking hard but why not.

1:A song you like with a color in the title

2:A song you like with a number in the title

3:A song that reminds you of summertime

4:A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about

5:A song that needs to be played LOUD

6:A song that makes you want to dance

7:A song to drive to

8:A song about drugs or alcohol

9:A song that makes you happy

10:A song that makes you sad

11:A song that you never get tired of

12:A song from your preteen years

13:One of your favorite 80’s songs

14:A song that you would love played at your wedding

15:A song that is a cover by another artist

16:One of your favorite classical songs

17:A song that would sing a duet with on karaoke

18:A song from the year that you were born

19:A song that makes you think about life

20:A song that has many meanings to you

21:A favorite song with a person’s name in the title

22:A song that moves you forward

23:A song that you think everybody should listen to

24:A song by a band you wish were still together

25:A song by an artist no longer living

26:A song that makes you want to fall in love

27:A song that breaks your heart

28:A song by an artist with a voice that you love

29:A song that you remember from your childhood

30:A song that reminds you of yourself

[those-crazy-meme-nights]

Send “Yank!” For My Muse’s reaction to being pulled over into Your Muse’s lap..

[pulchratormentum]

find me on meg in these trying times. idk what to tell ya.

[pulchratormentum]

we're gonna be spending a fuckton less time here, and here is why.

full disclosure:: if you don't want to read or hear about ivf/miscarriage and general narcassistic bullshit? don't read this post.

a summary for people without my bg story: i'll be here when i feel i can and i'll be pretty less tolerant to fuckery. i'll date it when i have one.

so, some of you know, we're doing ivf. we have been for coming up on a year. we're lucky and i'm grateful. since, you know, we were able to freeze ten embryos after my doctor stopped cycle bc i got sick. ohss was something we KNEW was a higher risk, but uh, it still sucked. our next cycle will finish on sept. 16th. i've debated sharing this journey on what is my safest place on tumblr, and i don't want to. i don't want to talk about it, bc i don't want to deal with another place of ups and downs that have followed me the whole way through this. so, the easiest way to explain is: imagine being bottom of the barrel in this, and then consider you have less than half left, and they're basically telling you it's your fault it isn't working now. so, yeah. that's all i want to share on that part.

now, i am the youngest of five kids. one is in prison for double murder (it's not what you think. don't go looking. unless we're close, i will not be adding extra details to it if you come at me out of a place of judgement over it. i for fucking sure won't be doing it on the dash.) and this cycle is ending around the time he was first arrested. having been told since i was a preteen that i'd end up just like him? this is going to be the hardest cycle we go through. not because i'm not hopeful, but because i have a very shitty time at this time of year. i found out my parents have been sending child four of five money and calling it the baby fund, and idk if you know this, but because both the sperm donor and the incubator are truckers, they technically are on our lease. they've been there. every fucking transfer, and my mother's idea of a good time is telling me she's going to take our baby, telling everyone how awful i am for not voluntarily helping her run a business she put my name on without consent, and telling me to "really think about who you're having a baby with." mind you, they think it's fine. all three of them, but i'm not even surprised. and we aren't even going to crack into her. bc i have spent thousands trying to get over the shit she's put me through, and that's a shit show of it's own.

at the end of the day, i have injections, medications, trauma, and having to grip at hope right now. i am not okay, and i'm not going to pretend i am. just know, if you get short with me, my aspd is going to the second of the two emotions i have an entire grasp on. anger. i am going to get mad.

so, if i don't feel up to it, i just won't be here. i'm always on discord and i write there. i won't make promises to see something of yours right away, and i won't pretend i am going to vibe rn. i am gonna try that thing where i come first for once. not my family, not literally anyone. i'm gonna do my damnedest to focus on me. this is me saying no to more shit on my plate.

if this post is gone, we're all good. i'm back. until then, sporadic activity. that's it. that's all. go on.

[pulchratormentum]

i'm not unalive. we're vibing with the new oc and meg, rn. so, if you're looking for me and want to chill with the best demon and bad influence wine aunt, dm me or message me on disco. dena is thriving on discord and ignoring her actual need for therapy. so, when she feels like she has enough zoom-zoom go-go, and i feel like i am mentally stable enough for anything remotely ooc, can provide decent ic writing and/or what not, i'l be back to haunt all you bitches. until then, 👉😬👉.

[caldito]

[pulchratormentum]

not me. actually here to be a menace. no fucking way.