jaded

random writings of random characters.

[punkwriting]

Penny knew something was up as soon as Awsten agreed to see his parents. Something as in, he was super nervous, on edge. He insisted that everything was okay, so that’s what she convinced herself. She had to, because they both needed this to be good. This baby, girl, needed some sort of grandparents. Hers weren’t up to par, so she just hoped his were. He didn’t talk about them, and she didn’t push much, so she was hoping for the best as the pair walked up, hand in hand.

Things were pleasant up until a certain point. She was nice, made small talk with them, everything seemed pretty happy, which is why she was more than caught off guard when the snide comments started coming. She knew all about those, but these were worse than anything her mother every threw her way. Like, his hair? What was wrong with his hair? She loved his hair. But with that being said, she didn’t dare open her mouth to say that. She didn’t know how or what to say, and it killed her. But, she couldn’t help the fond smile that came to her face as he spoke about the band. She was so proud, and disgusted her that they weren’t. Her jaw dropped a little, in fact, but she quickly closed it, hoping that nobody would notice. He’s important to me, she thought, but again, couldn’t get the words out.

It went on like that for a little bit, them being nasty, Awsten trying to recover, and her having horrified looks on her face each time. She tensed up at the question about how they met, praying to god that he wouldn’t say the whole truth. But of course, he did, and she winced and let out a sigh. She looked up just in time, though, to smile back at him, even if it wasn’t a true one. How the hell could he be smiling right now? Penny wanted to run and hide. Oh god, was this his childhood? She wanted to run after one conversation, she couldn’t imagine being raised by these people. She should have asked more, pushed him more about his childhood, then they wouldn’t be here right now, both feeling terrible.

Penny zoned out when his mother really dug in, going after her, not being able to bare it. She stared down at her lap, mentally yelling at herself not to cry. That would do nothing but escalate the situation, she knew that. She really didn’t hear all that they said, but was yanked out of her thoughts as soon as Awsten started going off and based on that, it was bad. She just stared at him, her mouth hanging open. She glanced over at his parents and based on their reaction, they’d never seen anything like this either. She appreciated that he was standing up for her, but she really wasn’t worth this. She started to reach out, maybe to stop him, but quickly pulled it back. Awsten kept going and as he did, she realized he needed this. Her heart broke as he kept on and stuttered. He was basically spewing his whole life, more than he’d ever told Penny, and she just wished he had. A small part of her was mad, actually, but it was the tiniest part and she couldn’t bring herself to act on it.

Penny managed another smile back at him, but inside she was falling apart. It took everything in her not to start sobbing at his speech about them being parents. As shitty as the situation was, she felt so much love for him in that moment. She wasn’t sure if anyone had ever stood up for her like that before, let alone after not standing up for themselves. The speech about them being parents really got to her. Mostly because that was something she needed to hear, and made her realize how good of a dad Awsten was going to be. He took her hand, but she stayed sitting, unsure of what to do. But, she followed him out when he left, not even giving the Knight’s a second glance.

The reality of the situation hit her when they were walking to the car. They were alone, really alone in this. This child was going to have grandparents. She was hurting, but Awsten was clearly hurting more, and she was going to drive home, but he hopped in the driver’s seat before she could. It must not have hit him yet, she thought, but stayed quiet. She didn’t even know what to say. But when Awsten pulled over, it became clear that she needed to say something. But as soon as the pair locked eyes, it was over. Awsten broke down and Penny’s heart broke. She kept it together, somehow, but held him in her arms, gently whispering and trying to reassure him. They were like that for a little while, but then Penny realized they needed to get home to talk this out, or even just to get him to feel better. She offered to drive home, he agreed and then she did just that.

[punkwriting]

Geoff didn’t know how he let this happen. Here he was, in the back lounge, his shirt off, making out with practically a random guy. He met him after the show, he was cute, they flirted, and somehow it ended up here. But, he almost couldn’t bring himself to care at this point. He was all over the place lately, with struggling with finding out Otto’s problems, and then struggling with his own feelings for Otto, the past few months had been rough. The pair weren’t really talking at this point and when they were, it was awkward. Geoff hated it. That’s why he figured sleeping with a guy was a better than getting drunk. Maybe this would help him stop thinking about Otto.

The guy was getting his mind off Otto, at first. But the more they went on, the more he wished this was Otto, and the more guilty he felt. For doing things with this guy that he shouldn’t be doing, for not telling Otto how he felt, and so much more. Kissing Otto was so much nicer than kissing this guy. Otto was sweet, this guy was kind of just... sloppy. Otto was gentle, he was rough. Geoff liked kissing Otto better. This guy was fast, trying to get to the point, he figured, Otto would have taken things slower, which would have been nice. Not that the point of this encounter was to go slow, but anything with Otto would have been better.

As the thoughts become all consuming, Geoff had to pull away. He let out a nervous laugh, trying his best to reassuringly smile at this guy. He asked if he was okay, and Geoff assured that he was, that he wanted to do this. He felt guilty, but it wasn’t totally a lie. He did want to sleep with him, just maybe not for the best of reasons. Although, this guy didn’t seem to care, maybe that’s all he wanted. Geoff didn’t care at this point either. So, he went back and they started intensely kissing again.

Things started to really heat up and neither of them heard the front door open, or realized someone was on the bus until the door swung open and Geoff made eye contact with a horrified, maybe hurt, looking Otto. His eyes widened and he pushed the the guy off of him, confusing him, and sending him stumbling backwards.

“Otto, it’s not-“ Geoff started, but he didn’t have time to finish. Otto basically turned on his heel and stormed out. Geoff realized how bad of an ideas this was. This didn’t help anything, especially the Otto situation, based on the look on his face. It was burned into his memory now. He didn’t know what to do, this thing with the he clearly wasn’t happening, but he didn’t know whether to go run after Otto or not. Either way, Geoff send the guy away, who was only a little annoyed. After he left, Geoff curled up in the couch, trying his best not to cry at how quickly and how and this situation got fucked because of him.

[punkwriting]

A girl. We’re going to have a baby girl. I’m going to have a baby girl. With Awsten, my boyfriend. That is still the weirdest sentence to me. This whole thing is still weird to me. Mostly because I feel like I’m alone now. I mean, I’m not, I have Awsten, but that might be it at this point. I haven’t talked to Peyton in a few days, which hasn’t happened since we were in high school, and I would rather do anything than talk to my parents at this point. It’s not like they want to talk to me, anyway.

Whatever, I’m just over the parent situation. I’m trying to focus on the positives. Like the fact that we’re having a baby girl!!! I still can’t believe it. Awsten was so happy. Can’t believe that either. I’m happy too, this is just… a lot to process still. We’re going to have a little baby girl in a few months. There’s still so much to figure out, and it’s so hard for me to wrap my head around. Names(we haven’t talked, but I like Mollie, Ruby, Athena, and there’s probably more, but that’s all I can remember), our living situation, what the heck I’m going to do when he goes on tour. So many things.

That’s why I’m just trying to focus on the good things. I have a boyfriend, I’m pregnant, I think we’re basically living together at this point, and I’m really the happiest I’ve been in a long time. It’s almost all too much. Which is both a good thing, and a bad thing. If you asked me at the beginning of this year, hell even 2 months ago, where my life would be, never would I have said anything close to this.

[punkwriting]

geoff + awsten

Geoff had been anxious for what felt like forever at this point. He lost track of exactly how long after a few weeks. This was manifesting itself in all kinds of ways. Today, it happened to be in the form of pacing in the back of the bus, basically talking to himself because no one else was around. He probably looked like a madman, but this was actually helping him. He hadn’t been able to talk about his problem to anyone else and this was a semi good solution for that.

“What the fuck are you doing, dude?” Geoff practically jumped a foot in the air once he heard Awsten’s voice. He’d been so lost in his thoughts, he didn’t hear him come in. He took a deep breath to try and slow his now fast beating heart and shrugged.

“Being Geoff,” He replied, then walked over and sat down on the couch. Awsten raised an eyebrow, then walked over and sat down next to him.

“You’re fuckin’ weird, have I ever told you that?” Geoff nodded, managing a small smile in response, but it was easy to tell when he was upset. It was always written all over his face. Which, Awsten realized and mentally made a note to get to the bottom of it. Geoff had been a bit off lately, but he wrote it off to being homesick, that was the easiest answer, anyway. Although, as he was sitting next to his friend, it became clear that this was more than homesickness, or a very serious case of it. Either way, Awsten was going to find out. He leaned back against the couch and folded his arms across his chest, shooting a sideways glance in Geoff’s direction.

“What’s wrong with you? You’re weird but you don’t typically walk around the bus talking to yourself for no reason.” He joked and reached out and poked Geoff’s cheek, which earned him a glare in response. Awsten smiled his usual, dumb smile back at him, which caused Geoff to roll his eyes, then grow quiet. He was debating on telling him the real problem. He didn’t really have anything to lose at this point, he thought. He told Awsten much worse and Otto was only mad at him for 30 minutes. At this point, Geoff needed to talk, or he might explode, and honestly, he was half convinced that the kiss didn’t even happen, because Otto was acting like that.

“Otto kissed me and I’ve been trying not to freak out about it.” Geoff blurted and looked over at the other with a panicked look. Awsten met him with wide eyes, but that look quickly disappeared into a smile, and then a laugh. Which of course, confused Geoff. He huffed and crossed his arms across his chest.

“This isn’t fucking funny!” He exclaimed and reached out and smacked Awsten’s arm, who laughed again at that.

“It is in fact funny, because you said you’re treating not to freak out about it, but you clearly are.” He replied, in a matter of fact tone, but tried to make his voice sound as reassuring as he could. Awsten was an ass, but could tell that Geoff was struggling here, and didn’t want to be too big of an ass. Geoff broke eye contact to stare at his lap and felt a blush creep up on his face. Mostly out of embarrassment, because Awsten was right. He was trying to hard not to think about it, but it wasn’t working. After a bit of silence, Awsten reached out and poked him again, as a silent way to try and get him to talk. Geoff let out a sigh and response and dropped his arms, then sunk back into the couch.

“I swear I’m trying not to think about it, Awsten. ‘cause I don’t know if it meant anything, or if he even meant it as anything, because that’s how he’s acting and I can’t seem to work up the courage to fucking ask him what it meant or why he did it.” He started, rambling on in his usual Geoff fashion. It was amazing how easily he held things in, but how easily he was able to give them up. Mostly because for him, once he started talking about something, he couldn’t stop.

“Oh and-“ He started again, going to add the part about Otto still being with Grace, but then realized that would only set him off again like the last time. He decided to keep that part to himself and sighed instead.

“I mean, I don’t know, it’s not like I want to kiss him again, I don’t think I do, anyway, I think I just want to know why the hell he kissed me.” He continued, but his voice was a little quieter and a little sadder this time. It was the truth, though, Geoff liked to know what was going on and he didn’t now, and it was killing him. It was also killing, because this was Otto, his best friend. That only confused things and made them more complicated.

“It’s just Otto, Geoff. I’m sure you can ask him.” Awsten replied, trying to be serious for once. Geoff just groaned and sat up. If it was that simple, he would have done that by now. Although, maybe that was the problem, he was over complicated this and it didn’t need to be because it was just Otto. He was still Otto, his best friend, whom he could go to for anything, ask anything, and so much more. Honestly, Geoff never thought he would see the day where he agreed with Awsten.

“Or…” Awsten started, a smirk forming on his face. Geoff simply winced, bracing himself for whatever nonsense was going to come out of his mouth.

“I could help you!” He offered, the smirk only growing. Geoff rolled his eyes, but followed with a sigh. Again, what did he have to lose?

“Sure, go for it, I don’t care.” He replied, his voice sad and distant again. He smiled up at the other, not wanting him to be too worried, even if it was a face smile. Awsten’s eyes immediately went wide upon hearing that, not expecting that to be the answer. Oh, this was so bad, Awsten though. He would have to fix it, or do something, and he planned on doing just that.

[punkwriting]

Adeline knew she was in too deep with her back pressed against a wall, surrounded by guys that were bigger than her. Most people were bigger than her at this point, but they were a lot bigger. At first, she thought she could manage with words alone, she always did, but as they kept coming closer, she knew that wouldn’t be the case this time. They were pushy, like a lot of guys, and she could normally handle that, but these guys weren’t giving up. In fact, this was the worst encounter she’d ever had with so called “fans.” 

Although Adeline didn’t give up, she kept running her mouth, telling them off, making it seem like she wasn’t an easy target. Saying anything she could think of to get them to go away. That’s what she’d always been told to do, anyway, even if tt didn’t work out last time. Her hands started to shake at that thought. No, no, no, not again. She thought and balled her fists up, preparing to do something, anything, to try and get herself out of the this situation. She just started to feel normal again, the universe couldn’t be that fucked up to have the same horrible thing happen to her twice, and worse the second time around at that. Adeline’s mind went blank as thoughts of Casey clouded her mind, the guys came closer and just as she thought the end was coming, she heard familiar voices and then it was as if the next few minutes went by in slow motion. Blake came forward and hit one of the guys and Luca basically scooped her up and took her onto the bus. She was quiet the whole way there. 

The next thing she knew she was in her boyfriends lap, her hands still somehow shaking. She kept them in her lap, hoping maybe he wouldn’t notice. Adeline was definitely rattled by the experience, but she would never tell anyone, especially Luca that. She didn’t even know how to tell him. She didn’t want him to think she’s weak. That was one of her biggest fears, and somehow it kept coming back to haunt her. This lips against her forehead and whispered words brought her back into reality, back to the realization that she was okay, that Casey was back in Ireland somewhere, that she wasn’t weak. Although she still felt that all of that was a lie. She nodded weakly at his statement, still quiet, as she tried to convince herself that what Luca was saying was true. The first part is, but the second part wasn’t. She’d been hurt too many times to count at this point and there wasn’t anything he could do about it. Adeline glanced up with sad eyes, a lump forming in her throat. Luca was so pure, so good, so didn’t know how she got so lucky to have someone like him. He told her things she never thought she would hear again, treated her in the same way. She tried her best to reciprocate it, but didn’t know how came off. Frankly, it was a miracle he was still with her. He never complained, though, so she always took that to be a good sign, but she knew he was way too good for her. He deserved someone who could tell him how much she loved him, who’s hands didn’t shake every time she got nervous, someone as good as him. Someone to complete opposite of her. “Someone already has Luca,” She spoke, her voice barely above a whisper. She hadn’t figured out how to tell him about Casey yet and god knows what he knows or heard from just being a fan. Of course, there were rumors swirling based on her lyrics and his sudden departure from the band just as they were taking off. But, none of those rumors were ever publicly confirmed. Adeline felt a lump form in her throat and wished she could take what she said back. She didn’t want to see his reaction, or even be questioned about it at this point. So, she shook her head and ducked her head down and buried it in his chest, basically molding herself into him. She swallowed the tears that were threatening to spill over, knowing that would help nothing right now. This night started out so good and Adeline was cursing herself for how quickly it got fucked.

[punkwriting]

awsten + mom

As usual, Awsten didn’t know what he was doing. Hiding at his parents’ house after sleeping with Jack was a good idea in theory, but now he was laying in his old room, staring at the ceiling and feeling like shit. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything else except think of how bad this all was. Well, the act itself wasn’t bad, but what was to come after had to be. He couldn’t imagine how Jack felt waking up by himself and not being able to reach him, seeing as he left his phone at home. Awsten swore he wasn’t going to do that again and he knew it was a shit thing to do, but waking up naked next to Jack freaked him out in all kinds of ways. He didn’t mean for it to happen, really, it just did. It was good, but Awsten hadn’t done that before, especially with someone like Jack. He wasn’t sure how to feel.

He didn’t know he felt, actually. Jack sucked him back in and he was excited and angry at the same time. He missed the other so much and the night was so good, but he was so scared. He didn’t want to get hurt again. Realistically, he could have just told Jack that, but running to his mom sounded like such a good idea. He hadn’t even said anything to his mom yet, though. He kind of just burst in, said he needed to go to his room, and his parents let him be. Which surprised him, to say the least. His mom was usually all over home in these situations. The soft knock on the door made him think otherwise though. No matter who it was, he was glad. He needed to talk to either of his parents right now. He told the person to come in and instantly smiled upon the sight of his mom. “Hey, sweetie,” She said softly as she walked over and sat down on the bed next to Awsten, who sat up to face her. He smiled, but stayed quiet, waiting to see where she would take this conversation. Although Awsten hadn’t exactly come out to her, mostly because he was still unsure of himself, she still knew about the Jack situation. Most of it. He didn’t tell her when he came back, and definitely didn’t tell her about last night. Not yet, anyway. 

“So. Are you gonna tell me why you randomly showed up?” She asked, which caused Awsten’s smile to fade and him to look down at his bed. He wasn’t sure how to talk about everything that was going on in his head. And there was a lot going on in his head. Awsten decided on a simply shrug for an answer, which earned a little glare from his mother that he could feel. He glanced up and upon seeing her face, he felt tears sting at his eyes. She noticed and softened again, then pulled her son into a hug. Awsten felt better at that, his thoughts became a little clearer. 

“I might have made a mistake, mom, I don’t know.” He shrugged again as he spoke, and Ms. Knight had to resist the urge to glare again. She hated when he shrugged. It didn’t tell her anything. 

“Gonna need a little more than that, Awsten.” She replied, and he couldn’t help but sigh. Opening up to his family was hard for him, because he was scared they’d see him differently. He knew there wasn’t much choice now, his mom wouldn’t let him leave until he talked now. 

“Jack showed up. Drunk, at that, because he broke up with his girlfriend.” He said bluntly. “And we slept together.” He added, earning a look of surprise from his mother. Her eyes widened and without meaning to, Awsten held his breath as he waited for her reaction. 

“Was it good?’ She asked, breaking the little silence that was going on. Awsten’s eyes widened now and he pulled back from the hug and just stared at his mom. Frankly, he wasn’t sure what reaction he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t that

“Mom!” He exclaimed. A smile spread over her face, and Awsten couldn’t fight the one that came to his too. She started laughing and he quickly followed. They were like that for a little while, the both of them laughing, Awsten forgetting about all of his problems. This is why he came over here. He knew he mom would make him feel better. Once the laughing fit was over, the smile didn’t leave Awsten’s face as he nodded. But, the next question made it falter. 

“So, uh, are you...?” Her voice trailed off, because she wasn’t sure what the proper word was. He knew what she meant. He had heard the same question a few other times by now, and always answered the same way. He shrugged and looked down at his lap, avoiding eye contact. She nodded in response, understanding that the question seemed to upset her son. She reached out and put her hand on top of his, trying to comfort him. 

“It’s okay, sweetie. I just want you to know I-we’ll always love you, no matter what.” The words sent tears stinging at his eyes again. He wasn’t sure why, to be honest. Maybe without realizing, a small part of him was worried about that. The room grew silent again after that, Awsten didn’t know what to say, and she didn’t either. After a little while, she said that she was going to go downstairs to make lunch, that he could come down or she would bring it up. He agreed to come out in a little bit.

*

Lucky for Awsten, his dad and sister were gone for the day. He wasn’t sure if he could face them in his current state. His mom knew how to handle him, the other two, not so much. She was being especially gentle today, and he was extra thankful. 

“So, I have to ask, why are you here instead of back at your place with Jack? You said everything was good, I’m not understanding why you’re hiding.” She blurted out, catching Awsten off guard. He almost choked on his food. It was a valid question, but not one that he could answer. He shrugged, which earned a glare from his mom. Which, he could see now, and he didn’t like it. He swallowed and thought about an answer. He let out a sigh before replying. “I don’t know.” He stared down at his food and now, it was his mother who was sighing. Sometimes talking to her son was like pulling teeth, but she was determined to get to the bottom of this. He realized she wasn’t buying the half-assed answers, he might as well start talking. 

“I guess I’m just scared.”

“Because you don’t want to get hurt again?” Awsten nodded, still not looking up from his food. It was amazing how she was able to read him so well, because he hadn’t even admitted how scared he was. She walked over and wrapped an arm around her son, pulling him into a half sort of hug. 

“He broke up with her though, chose you, don’t you think that means something?” That hit Awsten harder than he would have ever expected. Mostly because she was right, and he couldn’t believe he freaked out again. 

“Oh my god,” He whispered, bringing his hands up to cover his face. A part of him was embarrassed. Now he had to go face Jack and deal with the repercussions of this. Oh, it would so not be good. Hopefully, he hadn’t ruined everything. 

“You can still fix this, Awsten.” He sighed after she spoke. It was like she was reading his mind, which he was thankful for and hated at the same time. He finally nodded and stood up, then pulled his mom into a hug. He thanked her, for everything, and she just smiled. She pulled away and gently pushed him in the direction of the door, figuring he needed it. 

“You better have a boyfriend next time I see you!” She called out as he walked out, earning a smile and a shake of his head from Awsten. He would try his best, he just hoped that Jack now wasn’t pissed at him.

[punkwriting]

penny telling her parents

The Rhodes’ sisters were standing outside of their parents house, both of them equally nervous at this point. Penny was always nervous when something involved her parents though, so it wasn’t anything new. She wasn’t as nervous as she probably should be, but it was still there. Peyton had pretty much talked her down and assured her that everything was going to be okay, even if she was on edge about it herself. So, that’s what Penny kept telling herself. They were in a good place, this had to go well. They were supporting her a lot more lately, why wouldn’t they do the same now? 

“Ready?” Peyton asked as she smiled over at her sister. Penny hesitated, but nodded in response. This was going to be okay. She had her sister with her, who was there for practically every big thing in her life. A part of her wished she had Awsten with her, but she thought her parents might get overwhelmed with all of that at once. Her mom wouldn’t like the colored hair, she knew that, so she was going to leave that for another day. 

As soon as Penny nodded, the other reached forward and rang the doorbell. Their parents were expecting them, they were going to have a nice dinner, or so her mother said. It had been a while since all four of them had a dinner, a nice one would be good. Both of them just hoped that’s all this would be, a nice dinner, with a nice reaction to some big news. Penny just hoped they didn’t notice right away. She was showing a bit by now, but tried to cover it up with a baggy sweatshirt. It’s hard to tell if her parents would even say anything. Her mom might make a snarky comment about eating so much, or ignore it all together. She was never consistent. 

Their parents came to the door quickly and soon enough, they were sitting down for dinner. The girl’s stepdad, Mark was pleasant as always, and their mom, Melissa, seemed to be in a good mood as well. That gave Penny hope. Maybe her mother was changing for the better. She didn’t made any comments and they were both thankful. Peyton was mostly here for moral support, but she didn’t want to have to deal with the aftermath of the situation if it went south. Mostly because Penny had been doing so well since Awsten came into her life. He was good for her, hell, this baby seemed to even be good for her, she didn’t want it to get ruined by their parents. 

Dinner went well, now Penny just had to work up the courage to share her news. She grew more worried as time went on, that’s how her anxiety worked. She kept thinking of Awsten and how much she wanted him here to help her. He probably couldn’t handle her parents any better than she could, but he could support her. The four of them were now sitting in the living room, watching something random on television, making random small talk. 

Tired of the small talk and with Awsten in mind, Penny cleared her throat and turned to face her parents on the other couch. Peyton reached out and took her sister’s hand and gave it a gentle squeeze for support. Penny appreciated it, she needed all the support she could get. 

“So, um, I kind of have something to tell you guys.” Penny spoke, her voice quieter than she would have liked. She hated how cryptic that sounded, but didn’t know how else to start. 

“Ah, I knew there had to be something else.” Her mother replied, showing her true colors already. Penny winced as the words left her mouth. So, she wasn’t changing for the better. But that was alright, she had always wanted grandchildren, even made that abundantly clear when Peyton came out. Penny tried to tell herself there was no possible way she could react badly to the news of a grandchild. 

“Mom.” Peyton stepped in, her tone harsh. She always felt the need to protect her sister, especially when to come to their mother. 

“It’s okay, Pey.” Penny replied, a small smile on her face in an effort to reassure her sister. She knew the other had been stressing at how tonight would go, possibly more than herself, and she just wanted her to relax at this point. Penny focused her attention back to her parents and mentally gave herself a small pep talk. Do it for Awsten, she thought. Do it for the baby. The baby deserves grandparents, even if they suck. Maybe they’ll be better grandparents. Most importantly, do it for yourself. 

“Look, you’re right, I guess. But, we didn’t have bad ulterior motives or anything like that. I have something that I need to tell you guys and I figured this would be the best way to do that.” She started and took a deep breath, in an effort to keep herself from panicking. Both of the girls pushed their negative thoughts down  before Penny spoke next. They needed to think positive for this to go well. 

“Um, I’m pregnant.” Penny ended up kind of blurting out. For once, she maintained eye contact to see their reactions. She wanted to take it all in. Time felt as if it was going in slow motion as she watched her step-father break out into a smile and a horrified look overcome her mother’s face. Penny knew what she was thinking though. She probably should have lead with the fact that it wasn’t Reese’s, but she just needed to get the words out. 

“Mom, it’s not-“ She tried to start, hoping that would calm her mother down, but the woman simply cut her off and shook her head, same horrified look on her face. 

“How could you be so stupid, Penelope?” She asked, her tone a mixture of disappointment and anger. The words hit Penny like a ton of bricks. They hit her harder than she ever thought they would. Her face heated up and she yanked her hand out of Peyton’s, who had an equally horrified look on her face. At her mother’s reaction though, not at Penny. Peyton never really was around for their mother’s attitude towards Penny, because it was mostly in private. She always told her about it, but a small part of her didn’t want to believe it because she was always so good to her. Now, she realized that Penny had been right all along. 

“I-I’m not, I don’t-“ Penny stuttered, shaking her head in disbelief. This was going downhill so fast and she wasn’t prepared for it. 

“Melissa!” Mark hissed next to her, sending a sharp glance her way. She didn’t look over though, lost in her own thoughts about her daughter. 

“I’m serious, Penelope. Out of all the things you could do, this has to be the worst.” The room grew silent after Melissa said that. No one knew what to say. No one was expecting that. Penny had a billion different emotions swirling around in her head. But one was clear, she was angry. She couldn’t believe this. Even if her mother did think that it was Reese’s, she didn’t give Penny a chance to explain, not that she even wanted to at this point. It was like something inside her snapped. She was done dealing with her mother. 

“Are you kidding me?” She asked, anger fueling her words. God, maybe she was stupid. Not in the sense that her mother meant, though, in the sense that she actually thought this would go over well. Everybody in the room seemed to freeze in anticipation of Penny’s next move. Penny rarely talked back, only when things got especially bad, like now. Everyone knew that, even her mother, and she was about to respond, but Penny wasn’t going to let her. 

“No, don’t say anything, because I seriously can’t believe you. I swear to god, Peyton comes out and all you can talk about is how she’s still going to have to get you grandchildren and then I’m actually going to give you one, and that’s stupid?” She raised her voice, but it broke at the end, which only angered her more. She needed to hold it together now. Losing it in front of her mother wouldn’t help at all. If anything, it would only fuel her. The next realization hit her hard. It sent tears stinging at her eyes, but she did her best to swallow them. “I’m never going to be good enough for you, am I?” Penny asked, biting at her lip to try and keep her tears at bay. Mark and Peyton were stunned at the sight in front of them. Their fights were never as bad as this. They hadn’t even fought in a while. 

“I was a shitty kid, yeah, I understand that, but god knows I’ve apologized to her and you enough times by now.” She was on a roll now, everything that she ever wanted to say seemed to be coming out, and her mom seemed to be just listening and taking it, which was a welcomed surprised. 

“I don’t know what more I need to do for you to see me like you see her. ‘Cause we all know that if Peyton told you she was pregnant, you wouldn’t even question it.” Peyton winced when the other spoke. Their relationship was always a sore spot with Penny and actually, she thought it was fine now, but obviously it wasn’t. A small part of Penny knew she would regret saying that later, because it wasn’t fair to throw Peyton into this when all she’d done was help her, but she couldn’t bring herself to care in the moment. She felt like she didn’t care about anything right now, she was numb. I should’ve seen this coming and prepared myself, Penny thought. But there really isn’t a way to prepare yourself for dealing with your awful mother. 

The room grew silent again, seeing as no one knew what to say. Melissa was speechless for once. Nobody knew why either. Maybe she was realizing how terrible her actions were, Penny thought. No, of course she wouldn’t. Mark and Peyton felt horrible because she just said what everybody had been thinking all along, but never had the guts to say. 

“Okay, sit there, say nothing, I don’t care. I’m done.” Penny spoke and got up off the couch, raising her hands up in a defensive motion. Mark opened his mouth to say something, maybe apologize for Melissa, but quickly he realized he didn’t even know what to say without upsetting one of them further. 

“Thanks for dinner, Mark.” Penny headed for the door, not saying anything else to her mother. She meant her words, she was done with her mother. At this point, she didn’t need the constant negativity in her life. Penny was on her way to getting better, being a better person, for herself, this baby, and Awsten. She wouldn’t be able to do that with her mother in the picture. 

As she walked out, the tears finally spilled over and she wasn’t able to stop them. This wasn’t the most thought out plan, because Peyton drove, but Penny was too numb to care. Peyton realized this and got up to chase after her sister. But not before getting her last word in.

“You fucked up.” She looked Melissa in the eye and said this, hoping she would understand the gravity of the situation she just caused. This was the last thing Peyton wanted, to have to clean up Penny. She was doing so good, she thought, who knows where this would send her. Either way, she would be there for her. 

By the time Penny got to the car, she was sobbing. Everything in her was telling her to stop, because stress wasn’t good for the baby, but she couldn’t seem to get herself to stop. Peyton finally caught up and her heart shattered at the sight of her sister. She walked over to her and pulled her into a tight hug, hoping that would help calm her down. 

“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Peyton spoke softly and started to rub circles along her back. This was so fucked, Peyton thought. She couldn’t believe her mom acted like that, especially when Penny was so happy all night long. 

“We’ll go home now, okay?” She asked, even though it was more of a statement. Penny nodded meekly in response and Peyton helped her to the car. She was still crying, but she calmed down a bit by now. 

The drive back home was dead silent, mostly with Penny trying to calm herself down and Peyton not knowing what to say. It was a first, but it seemed to work, now all she wanted was Awsten. He would be back soon, but not soon enough. She didn’t want to bother him on tour either, so that made things worse. The pair finally arrived back at the apartment, the air surrounding them heavy. Peyton parked the car and looked over at her sister, wanting to say something but not knowing what. She almost hoped that Penny would break the silence herself. 

“Uh, when Awsten gets back, I-I think I’m gonna stay with him for a while.” Penny did break the silence, but that wasn’t what the other wanted to hear. While she understood, it felt like a punch to the gut. Peyton realized that this was something that she probably couldn’t help her with and that hurt. Thank god she has Awsten, was all she could think. 

Peyton almost wanted to argue with her sister, tell her that she was better off here, that she could help, but she couldn’t bring herself to. Penny needed to do what was best for her right now and if that was getting space, so be it. So, she simply nodded in response and they both got out of the car and went their separate ways into their rooms for the rest of the night.

[punkwriting]

I’m over him. I keep telling myself that. Haven’t heard from him in a month, since tour ended, he’s over me too. Don’t think he’s even fucking broken up with his girlfriend. He’s gotta be over me. It was just a fling. To both of us. That’s all it was. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself, anyway. Even if it felt like so much more than just a fling. I don’t want to accept how fucking stupid this makes me. He was the first guy I kissed and first real thing with someone in a while, of course it was more than a fling to me. But he doesn’t know that, and I probably won’t ever tell him. It’s not like he would care anyway. I’m so fucking stupid for thinking it was more to him. I knew he had a girlfriend and I still went for it. That’s what I get, I guess. I believed everything he was telling me, which makes it my fault. I believed that he would actually break up with his girlfriend and want to be with me. How fucking stupid can someone be? Really stupid, evidently. I was trying to give him space when he got home for him to break up with her, but he hasn’t even so much as tweeted me. Damn, is this how he felt when I went silent on him? Well, I’m an ass, but I still feel like this is more serious than when I ignored him. Whatever, he can have fun with his stupid girlfriend and his stupid life and I’ll get on with mine. I need to get on with mine. I don’t want Jack in it anymore. I don’t even want to think about him anymore. So, I won’t. We have shit to do and I’ll focus on that instead.

[punkwriting]

Awsten was exhausted. He always seemed to be at this point.  This tour, and Jack, was taking everything out of him. It had been especially bad lately, so that didn’t seem to help anything. The constant screaming matches were starting to get to him. He was isolating himself from his friends because he was embarrassed that the fighting was in front of them and obviously, it wasn’t going well with Jack. He just wanted to get home at this point. See his parents, his cat, his friends at home. He needed to be at home. They only had a week or so to go, but Awsten wasn’t sure if he would make it at this rate.

Awsten thought maybe tonight would be different, since the tour was in a hotel. He thought maybe he could relax with Jack for the night and they wouldn’t end up fighting, but of course, they did. This one was especially bad. It was over the fact Jack still hadn’t broken up with his girlfriend. It bugged Awsten to no end. He was an ass, but he didn’t like being the kind of ass that was a cheater. Jack kept saying the same things, too, that he would break up with her when he got the chance, or whatever bullshit he was spewing for the day. Awsten figured he had plenty of chances by now, he just wasn’t taking them. He could only ignore the girlfriend thing for so long. Not to mention, that made him feel like shit. It made him question everything because since the other still had a girlfriend, he wasn’t sure how real this all was to him. It was definitely real for Awsten, but he wasn’t sure how to communicate that to the other. Maybe that’s why they were fighting so much, because they sucked at communication. But nonetheless, he was beyond done with it. He was done with feeling like shit. He wanted to be done with Jack so badly, but he just couldn’t seem to bring himself to be.

The pair had been going back and forth for a while and Awsten knew his voice would hate him tomorrow. When they finally stopped, he couldn’t help the tears that spilled passed his eyes. They were a combination of anger and sadness, he wasn’t even sure at this point. He cried his fair share, but normally not in front of other people. He couldn’t help it, but he didn’t want Jack to see either. As he started to cry harder, he turned away from Jack and hugged his knees. He so badly wanted to be out of this room right now, but he wasn’t sure where else to go. He was too stubborn to go to Geoff or Otto by now and besides, he wasn’t even sure where they were.

He sat like that for a while, hugging himself, trying to mentally calm himself down, hoping that maybe even Jack would leave. He was so caught up in himself he hadn’t realized Jack walked over and the fingertips brushing his arm startled him. He froze, not really sure what to do. Against his better judgement, though, he leaned into Jack, who wrapped his arms around him in response. Awsten still didn’t say anything. He was so tired of this. The back and forth, the empty promises. Awsten couldn’t handle it for much longer.

Awsten let out a shaky sigh at the kiss on his neck. “Y-you keep saying that,” He whispered, turning on his side and burying his head in Jack’s chest. As angry as he was, the other still somehow was comforting him. That only annoyed him more. “I-I can’t keep doing this, Jack.” He whispered again, sniffling a bit too. He seemed to be calming down now, despite all the emotions swirling around in his head. Jack didn’t say much else, he figured he had to be just as exhausted as he was. That didn’t make him any less mad, though. Awsten needed Jack to make a choice, and soon, for his sake.

[punkwriting]

Awsten Knight and Jack Barakat

Your silence is so loud There's a buzz in my head From what you never said I'll be seeing you around

[punkwriting]

Penny Rhodes and Awsten Knight

Wait, I think we're on to something We can't run from fate, but we can let it take us down Down this road, where all our colours run together Let's take the worst and make it better Let's take this mess and make a home

[punkwriting]

Penelope (Penny) Rhodes

I think it’s time you had a pink cloud summer ‘Cause you’ve gone too long without a smile I think it’s time you had another reason to stay for a while You should stay for a while

[punkwriting]

What’s happening? I keep asking myself that. I don’t have an answer for that either and I can’t seem to come up with one. And the one person who could help me figure that out I’m ignoring for whatever reason. That’s another question. Why am I ignoring him? I don’t know.

I think I’m scared. Jack yelled at me and kissed me and tried to do more with me(I think? Don’t know. Haven’t asked) when he was drunk, which all scared me equally. I mean, I am scared. He scares me a lot. In a bunch of different ways. I haven’t been with a guy before, especially someone like Jack. By that I mean someone who sleeps around a lot and doesn’t seem to.... do the whole relationship thing? Or not very well, at least. Considering he cheated on his girlfriend with me. Which is a whole different issue!!! He kissed me when he had a girlfriend and then we spent the night together! Again! I feel terrible about all of that. It was a good kiss, though, that’s why I feel so terrible about it. I’m scared that if I see him it’ll happen again because god knows I want to do it again.

Whatever. That aside, I’m definitely a relationship person, especially for something like this. I just don’t particularly feel like getting hurt and I feel like he’ll hurt me. Given how much he’s going to/has hurt his girlfriend. I don’t want that. I really have a lot of questions, but I feel like he can’t answer them or won’t answer them. Plus, with the relationship thing I don’t want to try and force him to do something? Or anything like that.

There’s not to mention that fact that he gets on my last nerve half the fucking time. He’s so cocky and throws me off my game. I mean, not that I have much game to begin with, but the little that’s there. But it’s like a good getting on my nerves though, I guess? ‘Cause he’ll say something stupid and at first I’m appalled but then I laugh and think about it for the rest of the day.

I don’t know. I miss him. I know that. But, I’m just stubborn at this point. I don’t want to get hurt, or really even give him the satisfaction of letting him now that I want to be with him. So, here we are. Me avoiding him again. Him not really seeming to care. I guess I don’t care either.

[punkwriting]

Everything feels numb and I don't like it. There's this big question mark over what feels like everything in my life and I don't know what to do. I always know what to do. I'm supposed to know what to do. I'm the Dad, as everyone fucking says. But I don't know what to do now. I mean, I think I know what I want to do. But, I'm just scared and I don't know how to go about it. For whatever fucking strange reason, I want to kiss Awsten again. But worst of all, I don't know if I can. I just broke up with Chloe, mostly for/because of him and because I cheated on her with him and I don't even know. A small part of me feels wrong about that because I lied to her and said it wasn't for him. I obviously didn't tell her that I kissed him, either. That would have just been.... yikes. If she ever finds out it's just going to be yikes. I don't want to think about that, though. I shouldn't think about it. I can't seem to stop thinking, though. About her, him, everything. You know when I wasn't thinking? When I was kissing Awsten. Which was really nice. I have no idea how to tell him that either. He says we're okay and that he's not mad and he's fine but I don't know. I'm so trained to think the worst and he's definitely not the worst and I just don't know what to do. Because I feel like he's not fine? Like? Who would be fine after someone pulled some shit like I did. I wouldn't be fine. I'm not fine now and I was the one pulling the shit. I wish he would be honest, but I don't know what else to do other than believe him. Which, I guess I do. I'm just trying not to press him and mess up what little we have going right now. I haven't really seen him in a bit, so it's hard to tell by just what he's saying. I'm mean, we've done some band things since and we're good at pretending and hiding.... but I don't know how long I can do that. Holy fuck, that just reminded me, what are we going to do on tour? You can't really figure anything out when you're surrounded by people at all time. Oh god, I don't know if I even want to tell anyone yet anyway. Otto, maybe, I doubt he'd have a problem, probably just tease us. But thinking about telling anyone makes my head hurt. That would bring lots of questions. Questions that I don't want to answer yet. Question I can't answer yet, Awsten too. Maybe I should ask because it's going to be a long tour if we're all awkward and tip toeing around each other like we've been. Otto would definitely know that something's up if we act like that. Honestly, anyone will. I don't know. I just wanna turn my brain off.

[punkwriting]

fight!

Today was one of the best days Geoff had in a long time. Most of it was spent with his best friend, Awsten. They hung out all day and ended up going to dinner, which was fun in every sense. It was almost.... date like, but Geoff pushed that thought down every time it started to surface. He'd never had that much fun on a date with Chloe, though. Maybe that's how it was supposed to be. They were a little more affectionate than usual, but they were both just in good moods and they were best friends, that's all. That's what Geoff was telling himself, anyway.

He couldn't quite explain why, but something about the night just felt right. He felt like nothing could ruin his mood. That was until he walked through the doors of his apartment and was immediately greeted by his girlfriend. She had a sour look on her face and he could practically feel the tension in the air. Although, it was always like that with them. 

Geoff walked over to her and placed a kiss on her cheek, but she didn't soften any. He wasn't in the mood to deal with her and had to keep himself from rolling his eyes. After that, he walked over and sat down on the couch, not really knowing what else to do. Chloe cleared her throat as he did that. He looked up with a confused face, since he didn't know what the problem was. She stayed quiet and Geoff had to keep from rolling his eyes again.

"What, Chloe?" He asked, an obvious annoyance in his voice. He could feel his good mood slowly slipping away and getting replaced with annoyance. "Where have you been?" She snapped, which finally earned an eye roll from Geoff now. This was the start of the same fight they had 100 times before and he didn't want to deal with it today. He hesitated to answer, though, knowing the truth would only set her off. He didn’t really feel like getting lectured today.

"I was.... out." He said, but almost immediately he knew it was the wrong answer. She crossed her arms over her chest and huffed, somehow looked even more annoyed than before, which was kind is impressive to say that least.

"With who? And why were you out so long? You should have been back hours ago," She spoke, her voice sharp. Geoff simply shrugged, not knowing what else to say at this point. He didn't know what she was getting at. His laid-back demeanor only seemed to anger her more. That's how these fights always went, but he particularly was not feeling it today.

“I can do what I want, Chlo.” He finally replied quietly. Normally, he didn’t stand up for himself in any sense. He normally just took everything she said in, but today was different. 

"God, look, I know you were with Awsten and you guys were being...." Her voice trailed off, as she was unsure of the proper words to describe them. At the mention of his best friend's name, Geoff immediately tensed up. She never liked him and this was a constant thing. He had fun tonight, it was a shame that she was about to ruin it.

"Weird, inappropriate, gay, whatever, I don't know, take your pick." She listed off some of the words her friend who saw them used to describe the pair earlier. He inhaled sharply at her words, growing more tense. Gay? No, no, no. They weren't. It wasn't like that. He felt himself silently panicking, a billion thoughts jumbled in his head. That became obvious to Chloe, who simply rolled her eyes and cleared her throat at him again. 

“Nothing to say to that?” She asked, almost taunting him now. Geoff started to bounce his leg nervously, unsure how to respond. It was clear Chloe had her mind made up, even if he didn’t, so he figured nothing he could say would change her mind. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to change her mind. At this point, he was beyond annoyed and done with her shit. Awsten wouldn’t treat me like this. Geoff felt himself practically frozen as that thought popped into this mind. Why was he thinking that? That’s not something you’re supposed to think about your best friend. That’s definitely not something you’re supposed to think when you’re straight and in a fight with you girlfriend. No, no, no. Geoff was lost in his thoughts again until Chloe threw her hands up in the air and stepped away from him. It was clear she was beyond annoyed now, maybe this would be the end of the fight, Geoff thought. He felt almost relieved, because that meant he didn’t have to listen to whatever insults and accusations would be thrown his way. That was until a few minutes Chloe had enough of the silence. 

“Seriously, nothing? You’re not even going to deny it?” She asked, her voice just as angry as before. Truth is, Geoff didn’t know how to deny it. After tonight and all the creeping thoughts he’d been having lately, he wasn’t sure what to say to her.

“It-It’s not like that.” He finally spoke up, his voice still quiet with his eyes glued on the ground. She rolled her eyes, her mind made up already. She had her suspicions already and Geoff was only confirming them. Really, that’s the reason she never liked Awsten. A part of her was jealous. She always knew that Geoff would drop anything for him, even her, and that’s what he was supposed to do for her.

“Fine, whatever, keep telling yourself that.” She muttered, more to herself than to him. Geoff nodded, a silent I will to himself. Again, he thought that would be the end of the fight, but she could never let things end as simply as that. “But, I don’t know even know why you hang out with him, or like him so much for that matter, he’s so fucking annoying.” She spat, having to get the last word. She always did. But, Geoff wasn’t going to let that happen tonight. Chloe had never said something that mean before about Awsten, and it was almost like something inside him snapped in response. He usually let things go and he wasn’t normally the type to get mad, but he was now. And the more he sat there, thinking, the angrier he got.

“Why are you such a fucking bitch?” He asked, finally snapping. It was about time, too. He put up with her for too long. But, as soon as that left his mouth, he regretted it. He was never mean like that and before he could even take it back or apologize,  Chloe’s eyes narrowed and he knew she was about to explode. He tensed again, preparing for the worst that was about to come. “Excuse me?” She asked, her voice eerily calm. That’s what Geoff know he was in for it. And he was in for it. Chloe unleashed every little feeling that was inside of her at this point in the forming of yelling at her boyfriend. She started calling him every name in the book, saying every mean thing she could think of, and accusing him of everything she could think of. Geoff sat there, taking it, like he always did, until she brought up Awsten again. He felt himself get worked up again, which wasn't normal. Just the way she was talking about Awsten was setting him off. "Oh my god, shut the fuck up!" He spoke, his tone and voice raised to match hers. He hopped up off of the couch and walked over to where she was, anger fueling him. She didn't back down, though, and only kept going. Which in turn, fueled his anger as well.

The two went on like that for a while, going back and forth, probably disrupting all of the neighbors. They had been loud before, but never like this. Their fights were never like this before either. It was as if they both just snapped. Geoff didn't like it. He didn't like who he was in this moment. He didn't like yelling at anyone, let alone a woman that was supposed to be his girlfriend. During a breather for both of them, he realized that. He didn't like who he was around her or what she brought out in him. He couldn't believe it took him this long to figure it out.

"I-I can't do this anymore," Geoff finally said, breaking the little bit of silence they had going on. She simply rolled her eyes in response, figuring he didn't mean it. He always said something to that extent. But little did she know, he was serious this time. 

"I'm serious, Chloe, I can't. I'm done." He said again, confirming his statement again. He held his hands up and walked away from her, needing the space. "Oh yeah? Is this about Awsten?" She questioned, still not giving up. Geoff wanted to scream, or cry, or both. He was so far passed done with this. And her. Whether it was because of Awsten or not? He wasn't really sure. 

"Stop," He simply replied, his voice quiet to try his best and not feed into her any more. He was still facing away from her, trying to decide what he wanted to do. He needed a way out, he just had to find one. 

"God, I guess I should and you know what you should do? Just go fucking be with Awsten." She spat, the final word hers once again. Geoff simply nodded, his way out very clear now. 

"Yeah, maybe I fucking will." He spat back, turning on his heel and walking out the door. He definitely wanted to scream and cry now. He felt defeated, but he didn't know what he needed now and was more confused than ever. Maybe Awsten, maybe a drink, probably both.

[punkwriting]

random geoff

Geoff didn’t know how he got here. He was lying in bed, a bottle of vodka next to him as he stared at the ceiling. Truthfully, he thought getting drunk would make him feel better, help him think more. But of course, it did not. He only felt worse as the reality of the situation he was in hit him. He had a girlfriend whom he didn’t want to be with and a best friend that he kissed and couldn’t figure out if he wanted to be with or not. The fact that Awsten was a guy was what was throwing him off. He hadn’t so much as looked at a guy in that way before, let alone kissed them like he did with Awsten. It was freaking him out, to say the least.

Ever since they kissed, Geoff’s thoughts had been going a mile a minute and he couldn’t sort through them. He kissed his best friend of three years after a fight with his girlfriend and liked it. That much he knew. The rest is kind of fuzzy. He hasn’t talked to his girlfriend or best friend since that night. He didn’t know what to say to Chloe or Awsten. At this point, he was done with her, but didn’t know if he wanted to jump right into Awsten. There were so many obstacles there. He hadn’t been with another guy before, and he didn’t think Awsten had either, he didn’t want to lose that friendship and most of all, he didn’t know how Awsten felt about all of this.

That was Geoff’s fault, though. He’d been avoiding him since they kissed. He didn’t know what to say to him. Conversations about feelings were never his thing. He wasn’t good with his feelings to begin with, which is what landed him here, alone on a Friday night, drinking by himself. He knew one thing though, he missed Awsten. He wasn’t sure if he missed him romantically or as a friend, but he missed him. He missed his smile, his laugh, his blue hair, the way he slept in his arms, his lips. Geoff snapped out of his thoughts before he could go any further and sat up on his bed. He sighed and placed the bottle on the nightstand next to him. Maybe I should call him, Geoff thought. It couldn’t hurt. But it could, though. Awsten could tell him to fuck off, leave him alone, or even that he hated him. He didn’t know what the response would be. Mostly because Geoff didn’t know how he felt about the kiss. He left so fast after, he didn’t get to see his reaction. It couldn’t have been a good one, obviously, if he didn’t try to reach out. You should call him and tell him how you feel, he thought again. How did he feel though? Geoff still didn’t know, drunk or not. Drunk dialing was never good, but in his clouded brain the thought started to sound better. Geoff glanced around his room, trying to make up his mind as to what to do.

And soon enough, he found himself fumbling around to find his phone and dialing Awsten’s number. His heart was pounding in his chest, it feeling like an eternity for him to pick up the phone. He didn’t, though, and it ended up going to voicemail. Geoff let out a small sigh, almost of relief that he didn’t have to talk to him. Though, a small smile came to his face at the sound of his voicemail. He really missed him. Soon enough, it beeped and Geoff realized he needed to start talking.

“Uh, shit, okay.” He spoke, his thoughts jumbled in his head. “I-I miss you, Awsten.” He started, his words slurred a bit. He took a second to try and think. When he was drunk, Geoff didn’t have a filter. Which hurt him here, because he was going to say the first thing that popped into his head. “Uh, so I’m just kind of drunk, and sad because my girlfriend’s a bitch and I’d much rather kiss you than her because you’re a lot better at it than her, but I know I can’t do that because I still have a girlfriend and you probably don’t even wanna kiss me and I don’t know what any of this means.” He rambled on, his voice trailing off towards the end. Sober Geoff would never have said anything even remotely that rude, but this was the first time Geoff confronted his feelings about the situation, so he was just all coming out now.

“I’m not even gay, man.” He spoke again, the next thought that popped into his head. “I mean, for you maybe, but as a general, I don’t know.” He shrugged, even though he was by himself. Geoff was never good with words, but they all just seemed to be coming out now. “I dunno, I just miss sleeping with you, that was really nice. That’s not gay, is it? I guess it’s a little gay.” He shrugged again, not even fully knowing what he was saying at this point. He would definitely regret this in the morning. “I don’t even know why I called you, you obviously don’t want to talk to me, but listen, I just hope you’re getting enough sleep and taking care of yourself so, um, that’s all I guess. You don’t have to return this message.” With that, Geoff hung up and set his phone on the table next to him. He didn’t want to see it if Awsten tried to call or text him. He ran a hand through his hair and laid back down, alone with his thoughts once again.

[punkwriting]

So, what do you do when you're straight, have a girlfriend, but enjoy sleeping with your other straight male best friend? Definitely not in a sexual way, literally just sleeping. Like with him in my arms. That's a question I don't know the answer to. Not one I want to think about, either. I don't want to think about how good he looks when he sleeps either. Or how he does smell like apples. It's nice, but still don't want to think about it. 

That seems like too broad of a question for google, bing, yahoo, or anything for that matter. I don't know if I can research an answer to that one. I don't know if I want to research that one. 

I mean, it's platonic. But it's cuddling, I think. Cuddling can be platonic. It just kind of happened the first time. He was exhausted and we were laying down and he just went for it. And he was so tired, I didn't want to object. I also might have liked it a little? I don’t know. He looked so peaceful and he did smell nice. He gets... clingy when he's tired, I guess. It's sweet, though. Chloe likes to sleep on her own and do her own thing, so it’s definitely nice. 

It seems to help Awsten sleep better and it made me feel better last night too, after fighting with Chloe. That's really all that matters to me. I didn't realize he had such a hard time sleeping. I just want to make sure he's okay. That's not gay, right? I don't think it is. I just think it's being a good friend. I mean, we don't do anything, he falls right asleep once he's in my arms. It takes me a little bit because I just sit there worrying, about him and everything, but I eventually fall asleep too. 

He got weird last night, though. And not surprisingly, I'm thinking too much about it. He said he was just sad, but wouldn't tell me why. That's what it felt like, anyway. Or maybe he really didn't know. I don't know. It kinda hurt when he said he didn't want to talk about it. I can't make him talk, obviously, but I want him to. I still ended up going over and we slept together again, but it was kind of weird. We were just quiet. Not necessarily a bad thing, though, I like quiet. Quiet's good. I really don't know what any of this means, and I don't know if I want to, but I do know that I like it, and I just want to help him. That's not gay. Is it?