#awsten.

[whoa-where-did-the-pancakes-go]

[punkwriting]

awsten + mom

As usual, Awsten didn’t know what he was doing. Hiding at his parents’ house after sleeping with Jack was a good idea in theory, but now he was laying in his old room, staring at the ceiling and feeling like shit. He couldn’t bring himself to do anything else except think of how bad this all was. Well, the act itself wasn’t bad, but what was to come after had to be. He couldn’t imagine how Jack felt waking up by himself and not being able to reach him, seeing as he left his phone at home. Awsten swore he wasn’t going to do that again and he knew it was a shit thing to do, but waking up naked next to Jack freaked him out in all kinds of ways. He didn’t mean for it to happen, really, it just did. It was good, but Awsten hadn’t done that before, especially with someone like Jack. He wasn’t sure how to feel.

He didn’t know he felt, actually. Jack sucked him back in and he was excited and angry at the same time. He missed the other so much and the night was so good, but he was so scared. He didn’t want to get hurt again. Realistically, he could have just told Jack that, but running to his mom sounded like such a good idea. He hadn’t even said anything to his mom yet, though. He kind of just burst in, said he needed to go to his room, and his parents let him be. Which surprised him, to say the least. His mom was usually all over home in these situations. The soft knock on the door made him think otherwise though. No matter who it was, he was glad. He needed to talk to either of his parents right now. He told the person to come in and instantly smiled upon the sight of his mom. “Hey, sweetie,” She said softly as she walked over and sat down on the bed next to Awsten, who sat up to face her. He smiled, but stayed quiet, waiting to see where she would take this conversation. Although Awsten hadn’t exactly come out to her, mostly because he was still unsure of himself, she still knew about the Jack situation. Most of it. He didn’t tell her when he came back, and definitely didn’t tell her about last night. Not yet, anyway. 

“So. Are you gonna tell me why you randomly showed up?” She asked, which caused Awsten’s smile to fade and him to look down at his bed. He wasn’t sure how to talk about everything that was going on in his head. And there was a lot going on in his head. Awsten decided on a simply shrug for an answer, which earned a little glare from his mother that he could feel. He glanced up and upon seeing her face, he felt tears sting at his eyes. She noticed and softened again, then pulled her son into a hug. Awsten felt better at that, his thoughts became a little clearer. 

“I might have made a mistake, mom, I don’t know.” He shrugged again as he spoke, and Ms. Knight had to resist the urge to glare again. She hated when he shrugged. It didn’t tell her anything. 

“Gonna need a little more than that, Awsten.” She replied, and he couldn’t help but sigh. Opening up to his family was hard for him, because he was scared they’d see him differently. He knew there wasn’t much choice now, his mom wouldn’t let him leave until he talked now. 

“Jack showed up. Drunk, at that, because he broke up with his girlfriend.” He said bluntly. “And we slept together.” He added, earning a look of surprise from his mother. Her eyes widened and without meaning to, Awsten held his breath as he waited for her reaction. 

“Was it good?’ She asked, breaking the little silence that was going on. Awsten’s eyes widened now and he pulled back from the hug and just stared at his mom. Frankly, he wasn’t sure what reaction he was expecting, but it definitely wasn’t that

“Mom!” He exclaimed. A smile spread over her face, and Awsten couldn’t fight the one that came to his too. She started laughing and he quickly followed. They were like that for a little while, the both of them laughing, Awsten forgetting about all of his problems. This is why he came over here. He knew he mom would make him feel better. Once the laughing fit was over, the smile didn’t leave Awsten’s face as he nodded. But, the next question made it falter. 

“So, uh, are you...?” Her voice trailed off, because she wasn’t sure what the proper word was. He knew what she meant. He had heard the same question a few other times by now, and always answered the same way. He shrugged and looked down at his lap, avoiding eye contact. She nodded in response, understanding that the question seemed to upset her son. She reached out and put her hand on top of his, trying to comfort him. 

“It’s okay, sweetie. I just want you to know I-we’ll always love you, no matter what.” The words sent tears stinging at his eyes again. He wasn’t sure why, to be honest. Maybe without realizing, a small part of him was worried about that. The room grew silent again after that, Awsten didn’t know what to say, and she didn’t either. After a little while, she said that she was going to go downstairs to make lunch, that he could come down or she would bring it up. He agreed to come out in a little bit.

*

Lucky for Awsten, his dad and sister were gone for the day. He wasn’t sure if he could face them in his current state. His mom knew how to handle him, the other two, not so much. She was being especially gentle today, and he was extra thankful. 

“So, I have to ask, why are you here instead of back at your place with Jack? You said everything was good, I’m not understanding why you’re hiding.” She blurted out, catching Awsten off guard. He almost choked on his food. It was a valid question, but not one that he could answer. He shrugged, which earned a glare from his mom. Which, he could see now, and he didn’t like it. He swallowed and thought about an answer. He let out a sigh before replying. “I don’t know.” He stared down at his food and now, it was his mother who was sighing. Sometimes talking to her son was like pulling teeth, but she was determined to get to the bottom of this. He realized she wasn’t buying the half-assed answers, he might as well start talking. 

“I guess I’m just scared.”

“Because you don’t want to get hurt again?” Awsten nodded, still not looking up from his food. It was amazing how she was able to read him so well, because he hadn’t even admitted how scared he was. She walked over and wrapped an arm around her son, pulling him into a half sort of hug. 

“He broke up with her though, chose you, don’t you think that means something?” That hit Awsten harder than he would have ever expected. Mostly because she was right, and he couldn’t believe he freaked out again. 

“Oh my god,” He whispered, bringing his hands up to cover his face. A part of him was embarrassed. Now he had to go face Jack and deal with the repercussions of this. Oh, it would so not be good. Hopefully, he hadn’t ruined everything. 

“You can still fix this, Awsten.” He sighed after she spoke. It was like she was reading his mind, which he was thankful for and hated at the same time. He finally nodded and stood up, then pulled his mom into a hug. He thanked her, for everything, and she just smiled. She pulled away and gently pushed him in the direction of the door, figuring he needed it. 

“You better have a boyfriend next time I see you!” She called out as he walked out, earning a smile and a shake of his head from Awsten. He would try his best, he just hoped that Jack now wasn’t pissed at him.

[punkwriting]

I’m over him. I keep telling myself that. Haven’t heard from him in a month, since tour ended, he’s over me too. Don’t think he’s even fucking broken up with his girlfriend. He’s gotta be over me. It was just a fling. To both of us. That’s all it was. That’s what I keep trying to tell myself, anyway. Even if it felt like so much more than just a fling. I don’t want to accept how fucking stupid this makes me. He was the first guy I kissed and first real thing with someone in a while, of course it was more than a fling to me. But he doesn’t know that, and I probably won’t ever tell him. It’s not like he would care anyway. I’m so fucking stupid for thinking it was more to him. I knew he had a girlfriend and I still went for it. That’s what I get, I guess. I believed everything he was telling me, which makes it my fault. I believed that he would actually break up with his girlfriend and want to be with me. How fucking stupid can someone be? Really stupid, evidently. I was trying to give him space when he got home for him to break up with her, but he hasn’t even so much as tweeted me. Damn, is this how he felt when I went silent on him? Well, I’m an ass, but I still feel like this is more serious than when I ignored him. Whatever, he can have fun with his stupid girlfriend and his stupid life and I’ll get on with mine. I need to get on with mine. I don’t want Jack in it anymore. I don’t even want to think about him anymore. So, I won’t. We have shit to do and I’ll focus on that instead.

[punkwriting]

Awsten was exhausted. He always seemed to be at this point.  This tour, and Jack, was taking everything out of him. It had been especially bad lately, so that didn’t seem to help anything. The constant screaming matches were starting to get to him. He was isolating himself from his friends because he was embarrassed that the fighting was in front of them and obviously, it wasn’t going well with Jack. He just wanted to get home at this point. See his parents, his cat, his friends at home. He needed to be at home. They only had a week or so to go, but Awsten wasn’t sure if he would make it at this rate.

Awsten thought maybe tonight would be different, since the tour was in a hotel. He thought maybe he could relax with Jack for the night and they wouldn’t end up fighting, but of course, they did. This one was especially bad. It was over the fact Jack still hadn’t broken up with his girlfriend. It bugged Awsten to no end. He was an ass, but he didn’t like being the kind of ass that was a cheater. Jack kept saying the same things, too, that he would break up with her when he got the chance, or whatever bullshit he was spewing for the day. Awsten figured he had plenty of chances by now, he just wasn’t taking them. He could only ignore the girlfriend thing for so long. Not to mention, that made him feel like shit. It made him question everything because since the other still had a girlfriend, he wasn’t sure how real this all was to him. It was definitely real for Awsten, but he wasn’t sure how to communicate that to the other. Maybe that’s why they were fighting so much, because they sucked at communication. But nonetheless, he was beyond done with it. He was done with feeling like shit. He wanted to be done with Jack so badly, but he just couldn’t seem to bring himself to be.

The pair had been going back and forth for a while and Awsten knew his voice would hate him tomorrow. When they finally stopped, he couldn’t help the tears that spilled passed his eyes. They were a combination of anger and sadness, he wasn’t even sure at this point. He cried his fair share, but normally not in front of other people. He couldn’t help it, but he didn’t want Jack to see either. As he started to cry harder, he turned away from Jack and hugged his knees. He so badly wanted to be out of this room right now, but he wasn’t sure where else to go. He was too stubborn to go to Geoff or Otto by now and besides, he wasn’t even sure where they were.

He sat like that for a while, hugging himself, trying to mentally calm himself down, hoping that maybe even Jack would leave. He was so caught up in himself he hadn’t realized Jack walked over and the fingertips brushing his arm startled him. He froze, not really sure what to do. Against his better judgement, though, he leaned into Jack, who wrapped his arms around him in response. Awsten still didn’t say anything. He was so tired of this. The back and forth, the empty promises. Awsten couldn’t handle it for much longer.

Awsten let out a shaky sigh at the kiss on his neck. “Y-you keep saying that,” He whispered, turning on his side and burying his head in Jack’s chest. As angry as he was, the other still somehow was comforting him. That only annoyed him more. “I-I can’t keep doing this, Jack.” He whispered again, sniffling a bit too. He seemed to be calming down now, despite all the emotions swirling around in his head. Jack didn’t say much else, he figured he had to be just as exhausted as he was. That didn’t make him any less mad, though. Awsten needed Jack to make a choice, and soon, for his sake.

[punkwriting]

What’s happening? I keep asking myself that. I don’t have an answer for that either and I can’t seem to come up with one. And the one person who could help me figure that out I’m ignoring for whatever reason. That’s another question. Why am I ignoring him? I don’t know.

I think I’m scared. Jack yelled at me and kissed me and tried to do more with me(I think? Don’t know. Haven’t asked) when he was drunk, which all scared me equally. I mean, I am scared. He scares me a lot. In a bunch of different ways. I haven’t been with a guy before, especially someone like Jack. By that I mean someone who sleeps around a lot and doesn’t seem to.... do the whole relationship thing? Or not very well, at least. Considering he cheated on his girlfriend with me. Which is a whole different issue!!! He kissed me when he had a girlfriend and then we spent the night together! Again! I feel terrible about all of that. It was a good kiss, though, that’s why I feel so terrible about it. I’m scared that if I see him it’ll happen again because god knows I want to do it again.

Whatever. That aside, I’m definitely a relationship person, especially for something like this. I just don’t particularly feel like getting hurt and I feel like he’ll hurt me. Given how much he’s going to/has hurt his girlfriend. I don’t want that. I really have a lot of questions, but I feel like he can’t answer them or won’t answer them. Plus, with the relationship thing I don’t want to try and force him to do something? Or anything like that.

There’s not to mention that fact that he gets on my last nerve half the fucking time. He’s so cocky and throws me off my game. I mean, not that I have much game to begin with, but the little that’s there. But it’s like a good getting on my nerves though, I guess? ‘Cause he’ll say something stupid and at first I’m appalled but then I laugh and think about it for the rest of the day.

I don’t know. I miss him. I know that. But, I’m just stubborn at this point. I don’t want to get hurt, or really even give him the satisfaction of letting him now that I want to be with him. So, here we are. Me avoiding him again. Him not really seeming to care. I guess I don’t care either.