I refuse to say goodbye because I believe that the deceased still live on in our hearts and memories. Even now, you don't feel truly "gone" to me. I feel like I see you in so much, especially in seeing the kindness and dedication that so many people put into honoring your name. No one could've imagined how many people you touched in your life.
Putting words together is hard, given that I tend to not have any when I experience a harder loss. As much as I’d love to write pages upon pages for you, my mind draws a blank. I know that I don’t have to prove how close we were to anyone, but I do hope that my actions so far are able to reach you, somehow.
I’ll grow that Stardew potato farm we always talked so much about making, and it’ll be the best anyone’s ever seen. I’ll learn what I can about anteaters. They never really stuck out to me before, but I’m sure you loved them for a reason. I’ll even try again to give Hajduk an actual design because I know how much you, much to my chagrin, simped for the bastard. I’ll make sure the community you grew and hand-picked is as good as they can be, though gods know that they’ll be able to do that by themselves. It’s been surreal seeing everyone so together, even under these circumstances.
Feelings are... weird, dude. I know that when we discussed polyamory however many times over, it was something that I could wrap my head around, I just struggled to know if it was something that applied to me, after all. As far as I’m concerned, I love a lot of people in a lot of different ways. It’s ironic that we had so many discussions about being honest about thoughts and emotions because you withheld so much for the sake of keeping things calm. I could never tell you because I knew how much of a fresh wound losing Kat was for you. I don’t even know how you managed to do it, but I fell for your soul in a way that was so specific that it’s hard to describe. It was just your spirit, I guess, and while I know we discussed the idea of being something, I never really wondered if you genuinely felt those kinds of ways or realized just how strongly I felt. I know that it didn’t hit me until I’d gotten the call and felt like my soul had been ripped straight from my body.
The last time we ever spoke in DMs, you were so comforting to me, and your faith in me was so clear. You said that I was only going to improve, and gods know that it’s still hard for me to believe, but if I’m not making it true on my behalf, I guess I’ll have to on yours, won’t I?
Whatever happens from here on out, I’ll try to make sure that it’ll be alright. No promises, seeing that I’m only one person, but I keep looking back at the beautiful network and community that you created, and it’s all felt so much more manageable.
You did well, Rhys, and I’m so proud of you for how strong you were up until the end. This is for the sake of myself and anyone else who wondered, but I can see right now where you said that your favorite potato dishes were sweet potato casserole and scalloped potatoes with ham. I’ve got a bag of potatoes in my kitchen right now, I don’t mind cooking a little something for whenever you come around. I just hope no one asks if the shape of a foot happens to appear in the dish.